The Daily News reports that the charges were dropped after an investigation because Proenza Schouler co-designer Jack McCollough, who found himself on the business end of Keifer's forehead, was being uncooperative.

"We declined to prosecute after a full investigation, including talking to the complaining witness who was quite uncooperative," a spokeswoman for District Attorney Robert Morgenthau said.

McCollough had his nose broken in the altercation, which was spurned on because Sutherland did not like the way McCollough was treating Brook Shields. This was just like the time on 24 when Jack Bauer's daughter was stuck in a trap and being attacked by a mountain lion, except Shields has more acting talent than the daughter, and McCollough is not nearly as fierce as a lion.

Yes, he may have gotten off scot-free, but his reputation is not untarnished. After all, how macho is it to beat up on fashion designers? That's kind of like beating up a 14-year-old girl with glasses.

• The Mirror is claiming that Michael Jackson had a fourth child—a 25 year-old Norwegian named Omer Bhatti. Bhatti bears a striking resemblance to Jackson and was seated on the front row with Jackson's family at his funeral in LA a couple of weeks ago. [Mirror]
  
  
• In the Bruno movie Brittny Gastineau says some really mean things about Jamie Lynn Spears. Now she's saying it was all a big joke. Haha! [Page Six]
  
  
• Marc Anthony became a partial owner of the Miami Dolphins yesterday. JLo will hit the training room to teach some of the players the secrets to ridiculous glute development. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ruth Madoff wore ripped jeans and a baseball cap on a flight to North Carolina to visit her beloved swindler husband Bernie. [Page Six]
  
  
• Billy Joel has apparently found himself a rebound bang—former Young and the Restless actress Alex Donnelley. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears' LSU football-loving father Jamie thinks that Britney is all healed in her mind and ready to be left alone to handle her affairs on her own, something he's been doing since she lost her mind her a while back. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kiefer Sutherland and his girlfriend are just making out all over town, running their hands all over each others' naughty bits and just about having sex in front of mothers with their children. Gross. [Page Six]
  
  
• If you happen to interview Sienna Miller, be sure to avoid asking her any questions about her affair with Balthazar Getty, lest you be called a douchebag. [Sun]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's recent breakdown may cost her a role on a fall television show about supermodels she was scheduled to star in. [Sun]

• Gisele Bundchen is reportedly preggers with Tom Brady's baby. The 18-to-44 year-old male demographic throughout New England yet again begin ritualistic sacrifices of their own children as they pray for a better, stronger, faster, functioning-knee enabled, penis-equipped fetus to emerge from the holy Brazilian loins of Ms. Bundchen. [NYDN]

  
  

• Clay Aiken apologizes to his fellow alien from Planet Karaoke, Adam Lambert, for openly communicating his displeasure with Lambert's version of "Ring of Fire" to the heavens. His opening salvo: ""Who knew I had so much influence and that my words and opinion mattered so much to so many people!?!?! HA HA HA" Professors who devote their lives' work to post-modernism wake up in the middle of the night, start crying, and begin furiously scribbling away. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Beyonce's advice to women: You look gross when you're emaciated, stop going to the gym obsessively, we look good with some skin on us, you know? In other news, call volume to 1-900-Mix-A-Lot surges exponentially. [NYDN]

  
  

• Kiefer Sutherland and the Guy He Head-Butted issue a joint statement noting that any bad blood between them is gone. Meanwhile, after you read the term "head-butt" so many times, it starts to get funny. Because, you know, what if he butt-headed the guy? Just sayin'. [E!]

  
  

• Twilight looker Robert Pattinson gets some can in Cannes from a random. Teenage girls everywhere begin to file down their "fangs," ready their slambooks, and generally prepare to "slay that bitch." [P*r*z H*lt*n]

  
  

• The KKK (Kim, Khloe, Kourtney) materialize at some party in South Beach, their publicist gets hit in the head with a camera (apropos, much?), and Kourtney's all like "BACK THE FUCK UP!" which is hysterical because it's maybe the most articulate thing she's ever said. [Page Six]

  
  

• Like Christopher Hitchens and some Playboy blogger before him, Radio "shock" jock Mancow is not only still around, but apparently, got waterboarded. And nobody gives a shit. [TMZ]

  
  

• Beef, uncooked: Giada De Laurentiis and Rachel Ray have put the guns down, and will sign a peace accord, thus putting Food Network executives' concerns that they'd have to erect a tower-guarded twenty foot wall between their studios to rest. [Gatecrasher]

  
  

• Potential New Kickdog-Replacing Hollywood Accessory: bunnies, as evidenced by Nicole Richie's baby's daddy (did I get that right?) Benji Madden walking out of a Coffee Bean with one. Or he's going to eat it. Here's hoping he won't, because you know you want to see Christian Bale taking one of those to the gym. In fact, we're all about Hollywood adopting bizarre-ass pets to carry with them. Next should be a baby anteater. Seriously. [D-Listed]

The Vogue editor and Costume Institute gala organizer is furious the actor blemished the reputation of her big party, not to mention the face of designer Jack McCollough, a source tells Ben Widdicombe:

Now that's all anyone is talking about, not her party. And she is so genuinely fond of Jack, she has supported him and Lazaro for years, she really feels they are part of the future of American fashion. So she's doubly annoyed.

No wonder Wintour looked so depressed walking around town the other day. Truth be told, though, 24 producer Fox has far more at stake — and, after two drunk driving convictions, so does Sutherland.

(Pic: Associated Press)

Sutherland's behavior, like his corrosive and overtly propagandist TV serial, was gratuitously savage; undisputed is that he head-butted designer Jack McCollough at the nightclub, and that McCollough never laid a hand on the actor or presented an imminent threat to anyone else. The only fact in question is whether McCollough stumbled into actress Brooke Shields before getting slammed (Sutherland's people apparently mark this as sufficient justification).

Still, it's a minor charge: Third-degree assault. Sutherland is unlikely to face jail time — in New York.

But Los Angeles is a different matter. There, Sutherland is in the midst of a five-year probation term for his second drunk driving conviction, and will be in violation of that probation if he is found to have broken any laws. Los Angeles prosecutors have already told People they plan to "review the incident" in New York.

A finding of intoxicated battery could draw an especially harsh penalty, of 48 days or more. And that, in turn, could mean delays for 24, set to start production on its eighth season at the end of May, according to the Hollywood Reporter. The show already had a hellish, truncated season 7 due to the writer's strike.

Never let it be said that Kiefer Sutherland doesn't know how to get out of a jam like this one when the clock is ticking. But take away his ability to magically solve all problems by beating the crap out of someone and suddenly his situation, not to mention Fox's, looks a lot more precarious.

• Kiefer Sutherland is trying to explain why he head-butted designer Jack McCollough at a Met Costume Institute gala after-party Tuesday night, possibly violating his probation. He says he was defending the honor of Brooke Shields, who was knocked over by McCollough, according to Sutherland. Alternate theory: serial drunk driver Sutherland was just completely wasted, which is why he was running around a hotel bar earlier in the evening "wearing a giant feather boa and acting totally crazy."
  
• Rihanna's "somewhat masculine" tuxedo-looking outfit at the Met Costume gala means she really is a lesbian just as suspected. Do her "dominatrix stockings" mean the same thing?
  
• Courtenay Semel, last seen headed to rehab, is apparently broken up with heiress Casey Johnson, who has moved on to partying with Linsday Lohan. Maybe Johnson can now enable a new self-destructive young rich lesbian.
  
• After gaining 83 pounds, Kirstie Alley won't go out in public. But she did pose for the cover of People magazine. [People]
  
• Madonna danced with "at least five men" after the Met Costume event. But she still found time to give A-Rods ex the stink eye. Such a pro. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Brad Pitt said the other night that life is hell without Jennifer Aniston, he made a huge mistake and he wants her back. According to Aniston's buddy Courtney Cox, who had a long conversation with the actor and can be counted on not to exaggerate or distort what he said. [Ian Undercover]
  
• If Paula Abdul seemed weird, it's because she was heavily drugged, she says. Honest explanation! [Scoop]

Collared shirt and sweater he is looking good and clean. I prefer him with sweat and a gun, but hey I will deal.

Somehow, says the magazine, friends of the actor managed to sneak a mysterious adult performer through Sutherland's booze-soaked perimeter on his most recent birthday. However, there was something about this stripper that wouldn't take a hastily improvised torture session to reveal:

A source told the National Enquirer magazine: "The lights dimmed and raunchy blues music blared. A nearly naked blonde bombshell slinked in the room, shoved Kiefer down on a chair and began dancing. But at the moment of truth, when Kiefer expected the stripper to remove her leopard print teddy, 'she' ripped off her wig!"

Kiefer was lost for words and hastily pushed the stripper off his lap, much to the amusement of his friends.

The source added: "Kiefer's jaw dropped and he shoved the she-male away as his pals collapsed screaming. He looked angry for a moment, but soon regained his manners and spoke cordially to the stripper."

Ashamed at his inability to uncover a highly-placed gender mole before it was too late, Sutherland promptly went rogue, demanding answers from some of the more leathery women seated at the bar of his favorite watering hole, Ye Rustic Inn. "DAMMIT!" he barked. "Is that your natural, male baritone, or did you earn that voice through thirty years of breakfast bourbon and Camel Lights?"

• Kiefer Sutherland's stripper shock [FemaleFirst]

"This was my first Kiefer sighting, and as such, lived up to everything I had ever dreamed it would be. He was sloshed, and making loving, physically affectionate small talk with a young couple. (The girl was cute, and had a mohawk. The guy was nondescript.) At one point he was talking so kind of—oratorially—we really had no option but to stop our conversation and take it all in. We have no idea what he was saying—but not because it was too loud. We just couldn't understand what it was he was saying. Merry Christmas, Kiefer!"

[Hollywood PrivacyWatch is written by and for Defamer readers; send your sightings to tips@defamer.com.]

"There's no smoking," Sutherland, 41, tells Men's Vogue in its December/January issue, which hits newsstands Nov. 25. "The lights never go out, 24/7. You can't cover anything. You can't even put your head under a blanket. All the cells have cameras in them."

Although Sutherland has resumed smoking, the knowledge that he could go 48 days with his Camels is a comforting thought.

"My drinking was not a daily thing, so it wasn't an issue. And, oddly enough, neither was the smoking," he tells the magazine, adding, "I was very glad to know that I could quit. And one day soon I will."

Until then, though: hot wings at Ye Rustic are on Kiefer! He'll just be outside, trying to bum a Camel light off the drunk, 50-year-old blonde (Liz?) he saw sitting at the end of the bar, head lolling just low enough to earn her brittle bleached hair an extra sheen of beer-soaked highlights.

• Kiefer Sutherland Describes Jail Ordeal [People]

This installment's sightings include Kim Kardashian, Kiefer Sutherland, Pierce Brosnan, Farrah Fawcett, Marilyn Manson, Ari Emanuel, Marcia Cross, Isla Fisher, Jon Hamm, Larry Flynt, Chris Robinson, Peter Graves, Shenae Grimes, Dustin Milligan, Lisa Rinna, Bill Walton, William Baldwin, Chynna Phillips, Linda Evans, Gunnar Nelson (!) and more.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 4

· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said, "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me." Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough, hard-drinking, hard-partying, heavy-tanning life. Use sunscreen kids. Use sunscreen.

· Tuesday night's Bob Dylan concert at the Santa Monica Civic was ripe with celebrities, and I do mean ripe. NBA legend and Laker dad BILL WALTON couldn't get a reserved seat, he actually got tossed out of his first one that he just bogarted and was forced to stand against the wall, until someone recognized him and gave him a different reserved seat. Fellow Irishmen COLM MEANEY and PIERCE BROSNAN were spotted separately briefly. Anything but standing room only for TV's and former funnyman RICHARD LEWIS. And finally, one of the NELSON BROTHERS, most likely GUNNAR.

· I don't know if this counts, but I was having lunch at Porta Via and I spotted SWEET P (Project Runway, season 4) and a friend (boy? husband?). She walked by my table and was stunned when I called her name and that someone recognized her. She is sweet in person. I then had to explain Project Runway to my visiting co-worker from London. He remains confused.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 6

· Air Canada flight 744 from LAX to Toronto ... A very laid back and un-made-up MARILYN MANSON (or "Mr. Warner" to the attendants) and Endeavor's ARI EMANUEL (in gym shorts and crocs) in business class, film festival-bound.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 7

· Sunday afternoon, Silverlake - walked straight past KIEFER SUTHERLAND and a blonde woman in the Vons supermarket parking lot on Sunset / Hollywood / Virgil / Hillhurst / Sunset Drive. He was carrying the shopping bags (like a gentleman), no doubt stocking up on Haagen-Dazs to watch Britney's big comeback at the VMAs that night. More importantly, what is up with that K-hole of a junction?

· ISLA FISHER and baby OLIVE were at the Grove on Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30. Isla was wearing an orange, off the shoulder, embroidered hippie-ish cotton dress (the type popular at Anthropology last year), and little Olive was wearing a mini version of the same thing in white. Her hair was in a loose braid. I saw her first walking through Anthropology (she was disappointed her hippie dresses went out of style) and then later walking into Nordstrom. I was not stalking her; she was stalking me. I am worried Isla does not has any friends in LA— what celebrity goes shopping by herself (babies don't count), at The Grove, on a Sunday? Don't judge me for being at the Grove; sometimes you just wind up there. I'm hopeful she'll have a new posse following her around after her new movie comes out. Either way, she has Sacha Baron Cohen.

MONDAY, SEPT. 8

· I was walking my dog when I noticed Topanga from Boy Meets World (DANIELLE FISHEL) at Callender's Grill on Wilshire. She was sitting outside on the patio and in deep discussion with an older woman I didn't recognize. She had on really heavy eyeliner!

TUESDAY, SEPT. 9

· Oh poor LARRY FLYNT the Porn King. Saw him at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. Sweaty, quite icky looking and dazed. That's all I've got to say about that.

· St. Louis to LAX Tuesday morning, JON HAMM was in first class. We talked to him at baggage claim, and he was ridiculously nice. The man is also really ridiculously good looking. I can't believe Sterling Cooper allows its employees to fly the friendly skies with American Airlines.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 10

· Montecito, the lush, obscenely wealthly Santa Barbara enclave is a great little getaway, especially if you go off season as to avoid the onslaught of Hollywood- from Oprah to Cameron Diaz. (I just shuddered.) Ordering a late breakfast at Xanadu when I saw that 2 feet away, WILLIAM BALDWIN and wife CHYNNA PHILLIPS are at a table waiting for their grub. Did not even recognize her. She looked beat- a skeletor-long raggedy hair, in a floor length white totally weird Hare Krishna getup.

Not until Billy opened his sexy mouth to call her back inside to eat did I inwardly sigh upon hearing that famous Baldwin voice. Oh that dulcet, mellifluous voice! He looks good. My husband said "Has he done anything since Backdraft? ... Chynna was screeching into her cell; so obnoxious, looking for attention of which she got none, and finally for those of us eating outside, she succumbed to that Baldwin Brother siren-call and went back to her table. Yes sir, that is one good looking guy with a voice that makes my knees buckle. Yum Yum Yummy. Not the omelet, the Baldwin.

THURSDAY, SEPT. 11

· One for the ages, PETER GRAVES, looking great for 82, in business class on my flight today from JFK to LAX. Like a dork, I smiled and said “Hi” as I trudged back to coach with the masses. I saw him doing a morning show yesterday (they all blend), some sort of “reunion” with Robert Hayes et. al, and there he was, on my airplane, on September 11th, making me feel better about flying.

· MARCIA CROSS, one of TV's Desperate Housewives is sitting with me in AA ECONOMY from STL to LAX right now! How continental.

SUNDAY, SEPT. 14

· Saw that guy who plays Ethan (DUSTIN MILLIGAN) and that girl who plays Silver (JESSICA STROUP) on the new version of 90210 having lunch together at Mani's on Fairfax. In this case, lunch meaning that he was eating while she watched.

· The place: The Rose Bowl Flea Market. I'd always heard that lots of celebs frequented this, but in almost two years of faithful attendance, I'd never actually seen one. ... But today, I saw CHRIS ROBINSON of the Black Crowes (and ex-Kate Hudson husband), who appeared to be accompanied by a very comely lass. And that's the difference between a rock star and me (an accountant): Chris Robinson gets willowy, hot chicks, and i get girls who look like Chris Robinson. Conclusion: I have taken a severely wrong career path and am in the wrong profession. That is all.

MONDAY, SEPT. 15

· Saw the new Brenda (SHENAE GRIMES) and Naomi (ANNALYNNE MCCORD, who incidentally makes me ache for Tori's acting chops) last night at the Belmont. New Brenda is as shockingly adorable in person as on TV but was completely sans trademark smile and actually appeared pouty and pissed at times. She and the even-less-beautiful-in-person Naomi (the new Emily Valentine?), who has overgelled 90's hair and is clearly skinnier than her own body type would prefer, were feverishly chain smoking. They were also HARDcore flirting with their waiter, the only guy there more interested in them than the cowboys and eagles. Between packs of cigarettes the girls were, yep, drinking. I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: New Brenda's only 18. Oooooo! I hope new Jim and Aunt Becky don't find out, new 90210 is boring enough without old 90210's lesson-learned moralizing.

TUESDAY, SEPT. 16

· So about an hour ago, 3:15 or so Wednesday afternoon, I'm going for a run along Beverly Blvd. I'm just E of Fairfax on the S side of the street when there's a pretty bad car wreck right in front of me. A westbound car turned left into the CBS gate, and a small car was gunning it eastbound in the lane closest to the sidewalk and didn't see them.

So the security guard goes to one car, I tell another car to call 911. No one is critically hurt, but we help the guy who's bleeding pretty bad onto the sidewalk. I go out into the street to stand there and let people know they have to get over cuz one of the mangled cars is sitting in the middle of the intersection.

After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it's slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I'm waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won't. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say "get over - there's a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there's been a bad accident."

At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self [...] who tells me "Don't you touch my car." I thought, "Are you fucking kidding me?! there's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding." I then screamed at her "Are you fucking kidding me?! There's a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!" to which she responds "I know, but don't touch my car." She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection.

She said "I know?" I KNOW that I'm holding up rescue in my tinted-ass Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car.

I hate humanity.

WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 17

· Saw LINDA EVANS at the Intercontinental bar last night. Fortunately she left before I had my third martini — otherwise I would've hummed the Dynasty theme to her.

TODAY

· LISA RINNA working out at Fitness Factory with her trainer. Her face looked like the clay pot in the movie Ghost after Patrick Swayze fucked it up.

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[Photo credit: X17]

• Previously: Hollywood Privacywatch: Kiefer and Gary Oldman Enjoy Subs, Brunettes [Defamer]

This week's installment also includes: Katherine Heigl, Anthony Michael Hall, Bryan Singer, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, Louie Anderson, Tatyana Ali, Gordon Ramsey, Catherine Keener, Bradley Cooper, Victor Garber and more!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9
· Saw KATHERINE HEIGL at Cliff's Edge in Silverlake. My parents were in town and we wanted to take them someplace nice. We were sitting up in the outside covered area when Heigl and her entourage (which included her mother) were seated next to us. Alas, she decided that she didn't want to sit there (I heard her say something about not being able to smoke. Dead serious.), so they moved to a very secluded corner. Or, she may not have wanted to sit by us because when she came in, my sister nudged me and I totally turned around in my seat to look at who or what prompted the nudge ... perhaps she thought I was a super-fan who would lose my shit if she sat next to us. She would have been safe as I am not. Also, her voice is pretty annoying in person —way crackier than it is in movies.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13
· Saw ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL at Farmer's Market on Wednesday Aug 13th with Fiona Forbes (she's a Canadian tv host who no one in LA would reconize but i did!) He's still a little geeky.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 16
· Fiesta Cantina, The 'Ho: Fighting my way through the gay-os to secure one last 2-for-1 drink special, I spotted BRYAN SINGER jauntily hopping to the music as he entered. He looked fresh and young but not as fresh and young looking as the A&F wearing tyke he was with.
· JERRY O'CONNELL stopped by the 12 Shiny Nickels comedy show in Hollywood on Saturday night to see Carpoolers co-star TJ Miller perform. Seemed to have a delightful time.

MONDAY, AUGUST 18
· Around 11:30ish, saw PUFF DADDY trying to de-puff himself with some light cardio at Equinox West Hollywood. Take that, take that!
· LOUIE ANDERSON in front of Susina on Beverly.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19
· Saw twice in one night: the beautiful TATYANA ALI at Gingergrass and Hyperion Tavern with some friends.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20
· Had two good sightings in one night along the douchey Sunset Strip. First, outside of Ketchup, chef GORDON RAMSEY and his family. He was laid back and non-shouty, his kids looked happy and content and not snobby and privileged (I always look at the kids to see if they look miserable!). Then, later that night, outside of BLD Craft we see CATHERINE KEENER in the valet area. I spot her as we walk up and just as we pass her I said in a dorky voice "Catherine Keener, I love you". It cracked up the valet but she looked utterly confused and surprised (but awesome).
· Mini-Alias nonreunion in the Arclight lobby: BRADLEY COOPER exited with hipster friends; one minute later, VICTOR GARBER entered.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· KIEFER SUTHERLAND must like the sandwiches at Dan Subs. Because he was there in Woodland Hills, on Ventura Blvd, again. This time, he was with GARY OLDMAN a Gary Oldman lookalike. Kiefer did not look so good — he looked exhausted. But he seemed to be enjoying his sub, but not nearly as much as the two stunning brunettes that were with them.

• Late Show

Take a photo tour after the jump:

Before you begin sobbing between self-pitying bites of Myrtle Burger—positive the listing means we'll see a reduction in Kiefer's legendary pub-crawling exploits in the area—we'll leave you with this thought: You can take Kiefer out of Silver Lake, but you can never take the Silver Lake out of Kiefer. Whoever buys this property, perhaps some Arabian sultan seriously obsessed with 24, we hereby commission you to erect a wonky-looking-Kiefer mural on its facade.

Enjoy the tour.

• Kiefer Sutherland Lives Large in the Ghetto [The Real Estalker]

Is the movie sticking to the TV show's real-time format?

It is. This two hours is two hours in real time and there'll then be 22 episodes. I don't know how they connect it to the first of those 22 episodes but it's literally the third hour...

So it will lead straight into the new series?

Yeah.

Though last season's 24 might have been better off as 16, Kiefer-starved fans will no doubt take this news poorly (to say nothing of the Mary Lynn Rajskub message boards!). Rest assured, though, producers are working overtime to provide even more twists and turns to make up for the season's two lost episodes. Spoiler alert: the Christmas tree was behind it all!

• Robert Carlyle Talks '24: The Movie' [Premiere]

boomp3.com



Mirrors star Kiefer Sutherland and gal pal Siobhan Bonnouvrier attempted to flex their star power muscle at a New York area Apple Store over the weekend. After talking with the store's manager for quite a lengthy time, Sutherland was unable to get his hand on the soon to be release iPhone 3G. Bonnouvrier asked the manager if he knew whom they were dealing and if he's been enjoying all the freedom that Jack Bauer has provided over the last seven years. The manager replied, "I'd gladly give a phone to one of The Lost Boys, but we don't have any yet. My hands are tied on this one." Sutherland asked if he could use the excuse that it's a matter of national security to get the phone, but the manager shrugged his shoulders and said that he could sell them one of the first generation phones and that was about it. Sutherland and his girlfriend left the store while stating that it wasn't over between them yet and that the next time will be personal.

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

In 2001, 24 debuted. Its premiere episode was nearly pulled because it featured a plane getting shot out of the sky in a scenario eerily similar to the events of September 11th. But viewers who found the terrorists-are-out-to-get-us premise all too believable could relax because Jack Bauer was assigned to protect an African-American presidential candidate. There was no way that was realistic; there weren't even any Black senators. But a funny thing happened. Palmer won the election. We've spent the past six years watching an African-American president. We've seen him handle one ridiculous crisis after another — and he seemed to be doing a better job than the president we actually had. Palmer even had some of Obama's annoying qualities. He always wanted to take the high road, even when the situation merited a Jack Bauer style ass-kicking. He was too trusting of his unscrupulous associates.

The Obama/Palmer connection has been observed throughout the blogosphere and by the actor who played Palmer himself, Dennis Haysbert. Who knows. Maybe Hilary's real problem was that TV's female president is relegated to basic cable on Battlestar Galactica.

The gay marriage-television link is equally strong. While gay weddings were occasional plot points dating back to the Seinfeld episode where Elaine attends a gay wedding, this past season they were parts of the season finales of two of ABC's hits. Moreover, they were presented as ordinary events, no different than heterosexual marriage ceremonies. Brothers and Sisters ended with Kevin and Scotty's wedding, which was attended by a Republican senator.

On Desperate Housewives, conservative, gun toting Republican Bree, who once abandoned her gay son, catered the wedding of Wisteria Lane gays, Bob and Lee. None of the heterosexuals on the block raised an eye brow.

Mere weeks later, the California Supreme Court legalized gay marriage. Coincidence? Probably. But the muted opposition outside of Kern County could be because people are already used to seeing gay weddings on TV.