Our sister site Fleshbot reports (link NSFW) that Vivid has announced that it has the tapes in its possession, and TMZ has published a letter from Vivid chair Steve Hirsch to Prejean's lawyers seeking the right to distribute "erotic footage that Carrie Prejean, former Miss California, produced for her boyfriend following their four (4) day rendezvous in February 2007." Here's where everyone purses their lips, nods slowly, and says "Four days? Nice..."

Ever the persuader, Hirsch explains that Vivid's platinum-leafed "Vivid-Celeb" imprint boasts starlet titles including Kim Kardashian Superstar, Shauna Sand Exposed, and former Miss USA Kelli McCarty's Faithless. Unfortunately for Vivid (and fans of teen masturbation) Carrie's mother—who is also her rep—has already said "No, not at any price" to the proposal.

If Hirsch's date is right, then Carrie didn't lie about her age in the video(s). She was nineteen, the "teenager" she repeatedly described herself as in her "worst mistake of my life" monologue—and above the age of consent. Everyone wins!

November 15, 2009

Law Offices of
Charles S. Limandri
P.O. Box 9120
16236 San Dieguito Road
Suite 3-15
Rancho Santa Fe, CA 92067

Re: Carrie Prejean

Dear Mr. Limandri:

Vivid Entertainment ("Vivid") is interested in acquiring the rights to distribute the erotic footage that Carrie Prejean, former Miss California, produced for her boyfriend following their four (4) day rendezvous in February 2007 (the "Footage").

We would like to present Carrie with several options where she could certainly earn millions of dollars

Vivid is the world's leading adult film company. It places a heavy emphasis on high quality erotic film entertainment. Vivid has been in the adult business for over 25 years and has built an excellent reputation for integrity and fair dealing.

Carrie is a beautiful woman. We believe the Footage will be a huge success and has the potential of being the most successful adult video of all time. We will do it right the first time.

The Footage, starring Carrie, would be distributed on Vivid.com and under the "Vivid-Celeb" imprint, which prior releases include: "Kim Kardashian Superstar" an adult film starring Kim Kardashian and hip hop star Ray J; "Faithless", an adult film staring [sic] Kelli McCarty, former Miss USA and finalist in the Miss Universe pageant; and "Shauna Sand Exposed" an adult film staring [sic] former Playboy Playmate Shauna Sand.

We trust that you will discuss our offer with Carrie, and we look forward to establishing a long term business relationship with her.

Very truly yours,
Vivid Entertainment, LLC

/Steven Hirsch/
Co-Chairman

[Fleshbot] NSFW
[TMZ]

• Uh-oh. When you read the headline "Paris Strikes Back at the Kardashians," you know you're in for some shit. #BEEF is the word. All I have to say before I read this is: Team Paris. Because it takes more to manage fame than a large ass and a bunch of braindead sisters whose names begin with K, you know? Paris backed out of the game for a while. Kept in on the DL, nahmean? She knows how to moderate these things. Now, let's see....oh, well this just sucks: Paris is "jealous" of Kim and Ko. because Kim and the Kardashians are kommanding all of this attention that she used to. So now she's gonna unveil a new line of products and let us know that her and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are stable and normal and are also kind of thrifty, or something. I don't like this at all. If Paris wants to get back on the scene, cool, except real recognize real, P: don't change your stupidly lavish ways, you're watering down the product. All that said, still: Team Paris. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meh, meh, okay. Fine. Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush and Molloy did an okay job this Sunday, after they rocked last week with crazy Scientology nonsense. This time, it's crazy strip club nonsense. Shitbag Michael Lohan supposedly wanted girls who looked like—eww—his daughter to dance for him, and Lindsay came in the week after to (heh) meet them. Madonna stiffed the dancers. Bill Maher was, naturally, a piece of shit. Bill Gates left a $3,500 tip. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis were, of course, totally cool. And then there's this gem:

  Ann Landers? The advice columnist?

  "Yeah, she interviewed John Kennedy Jr. while girls danced around him."

  Word. Related: let's bring back George, please. [NYDN]
  
  

• Okay, Diane von Furstenberg: clearly, you ate your vegetables and drank your Pimp Juice for dinner the other night, because this is pretty awesome. DVF was at a jam at The Standard and decided she needed to go home because it was ovah for her. Her rooftop Meatpacking District lair—I'm serious, it's like something that emerged somewhere between Narnia and Spaceballs—is just a few blocks away, so she decided to hoof it. Having recently been mugged in Spain, she pointed to tall, good looking guy at the party, and said, You, you are escorting me home. Baller status. DVF, we approve. [Page Six]
  
  
• Papa Lohan, besides being insane, is still in deep contention for Fuckface Father of the Year: he skipped out on some promise to raise money for special needs kids. [Page Six]
  
  
• Scary Metal Bro from Slipknot got married in Vegas, and him and his wife walked down the aisle to For Whom The Bell Tolls. Well, his mother definitely isn't Jewish. This is like the opposite of the Chris Brown Wedding Dance people. [People]
  
  
• Page Six: Michael Moore, you're fat and you're movie sucks. Also, you've done nothing to win the favor of Page Six, like escorting Diane von Furstenberg home. Asswizzard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Get this: some model named Chanel Iman thinks the Boom Boom Room is a great place to hang out. Big fucking surprise. Related, Gawker readers, for purposes of context, you should heretoforth do whatever research is necessary to understand what a Boom Boom Room is and why it's significant to this here feature. Because you will be reading about this Room of Boom Boom. Oh yes. You will. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy who used to be Billy Mays' partner on Pitchmen, Anthony Sullivan, wants a six-foot wall put up around his home because neighbor Derek Jeter has one, too. Yes, well: Derek Jeter also gets to have sex with Minka Kelly, but you don't see me trying to have sex with Minka Kelly, do you, Anthony? Jesus. Just be happy for him. You're worse than Jason Street. Also, notice how I had to actually preface Anthony Sullivan's name with what he did to get famous? That's because he's not famous enough to get cleared for building a six-foot wall in Tampa. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dear Art Garfunkel: Just because you're Art Garfunkel doesn't mean you have to treat the world like an Art Garfunkel. I hope Paul Simon laughs at you the next time he sees you, you complete assface. Art Garfunkel screamed at someone for a tissue and also told someone to quiet down a developmentally challenged person after they were making noise in his show, after which, they were escorted out. That's so sad. You know who'd write a great song about it? Yup: Paul Simon. Asswizzard! [Page Six]
  
  
• OMFGFGGG okay, wow, deep breath, okay. There's some story about Kelly Osbourne and a dog and a Swatch store but it doesn't matter all you need to know is that if you click on the link you will see a picture of something spawned from the demon asshole of hell and it's terrifying and almost kind of rock and roll but still Jesus be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you because I just did. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie O'Donnell's partner moved out and they're no longer making whoopie under the same roof. This is sad, except great, because I don't have to think about Rosie O'Donnell having sex again for another six months. Breakfast! It tastes worse coming up. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy from Hair has a huge dong. Go figure. Some lady ripped off his loin-cloth when he was doing his ridiculous hippie dance in the audience during the show and he got to let the sun/follow-spot shine in on his wang. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ugh. Sammy Sosa, you are freaking me out right now. Mark McGwire's balls shrink so you go and become white? So fucked up. Ughhh. Don't get it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Carrie Prejean's sextape is just aching to get out there. Also, best Carrie Prejean's Sextape-Related Headline: Carrie Prejean Has More Sex Tapes Than John McCain Has Houses. Genius. [NYDN]

Hey! It's Sunday. Enjoy yourselves today. Be thankful that you both (A) are not Art Garfunkel and (B) have gotten all of the Art Garfunkel's out of your life. And if you don't, maybe today would be a good day to do it, no? I hope I'm not your Art Garfunkel. In the mean time, a little jam from Paul Simon. I'd pick something from Capeman, but we're not that far into the day. So, let's do this instead:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

• The entire Kardashian family—who we've somehow let become famous for having a sister with a big ass—is making a shitload of money. Read this sentence: "Kim split with her boyfriend of two years, Reggie Bush, in July. Kourtney announced she's pregnant with on-off boyfriend Scott Disick's baby in August. And last week, Khloe announced she'll marry LA Lakers forward Lamar Odom after a whirlwind romance of just a month." And Page Six explains how this is somehow a hugely moneymaking enterprise. If you thought the banking crisis was bad, the fact that the Kardashian sisters somehow made a cool mil out of those events speaks volumes about where money's going these days: into the liposucked asses and cheeks of the Kardashian family. Oh, also, this: "'She's negotiating a magazine deal for Khloe's wedding, around $250,000, another deal for Kourtney's baby, and there will probably be yet another deal when Kim eventually gets back together with Reggie,' our insider said." Wow. Just...wow. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Douglas is trying to keep his kids busy while filming Wall Street 2 and while Catherine Zeta-Jones is in rehearsals on Broadway: Page Six spotted him inquiring about children's classes at the JCC. Anything to keep them away from coke-connoisseur Scarface director Oliver Stone and Shia LaBeouf, a psychotic director and the kid who ruined the Indiana Jones franchise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sometimes, in the world of reality television, people make good decisions: like deciding not to be a part of it. For example: Tori Spelling and whathisname, Dean McDermott, they have that show, right? Well, the producers called McDermott's ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace—a Canadian TV chef. They have those??—up to sign on to the show and create as much controversy as she could. She declined, probably because she knows how much reality TV and the people in it absolutely suck. And maybe she should have! McDermott sleazily left her for Spelling in one of those shitty somebody-wins, somebody-unfairly-loses divorces. Instead she told the producers to fuck off, and also, if her son—over whom she shares custody with McDermott—ever appeared on the show again (censored face or not), she was gonna have to cut a bitch. You go, Mama Bear! Also, she's writing a book called Divorce Sucks. True, but people suck even more than the awful processes they create. [NYDN]
  
  
• Same item: LeBron James goes to a Marquee party three hours late, is a dick to the patrons who came to the clurrb to see him. Heads straight for the VIP, doesn't talk to anyone, gets pissy when he doesn't get what he wants. To the people who fought tooth and nail to go to this thing: what'd you expect? You're stalker-y fans going to a club to see a basketball player be famous. You got what you paid for. Team LeBron. [NYDN]
  
  
• Florida Gov. Charlie Crist made Page Six, huh? He was at some fundraiser at New York Jets owner Woody Johnson's place when someone asked him whether he was for Florida or New York in this week's game. Page Six says he turned beet red. I wish he just turned into a beet. [Page Six]
  
  
• Louis Farrakhan stayed at Russell Simmons' place recently, while Farrakhan introduced "Libyan brute" Moammar Khadafy outside the UN. Apparently, Minister Farrakhan has 75 security guards? Thought having that much security about Farrakhan was soooo 1994, but whatever. It's New York. People love a good posse. [Page Six]
  
  
• And VICE makes Page Six this morning, too. Their director of video and new media, as well as their communications director, have been taken from the realm of politics. VICE is gettin' serious. Alex Detrick, TALKY DOUCHEBAG, or whatever title VICE is going to give him, comes from Andrew Cuomo's office, where he was the press secretary. Kate Albright-Hanna, who worked on President Obama's team as their video person, is going to be VICE's VIDEO HOT NEKKID CHICK, or whatever title they're going to give her. Their spokesperson tells Page Six: "We didn't go to J-school, we don't care about market research or handsome anchors, and we are making up our own rules as we go along. That's probably why all these squares want to work for us now." Comment needed? Fine: yes, this makes me like VICE more. The placement of the item, the hiring, the quote, everything. Good on them. [Page Six]
  
  
• Melrose Place hottie and sister of Elizabeth, Andrew Shue, is getting married! To Amy Robach, who Page Six makes some interesting notes about: "the hottest female on TV" and "agreed to marry (Andrew Shue)" amongst them. Playing up the inaccessibility factor, much? Jesus. Someone lost a bet to a publicist. [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love was charmed by Hugo Chavez. Then again, Courtney Love could also be charmed by a lampshade. [NYDN]
  
  
• Aw. The guy with the fro from Season One of American Idol who lost to Kelly Clarkson is getting married to some girl he's known since high school. That's sweet. [NYDN]
  
  
• Bruce Willis informs readers that he has no plans to start "breeding" again. Good. [US]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly got married, too! Her wed mans is now Simran Singh. His qualifications? ""What's important is that they realize there are other ways of taking care of me that have [nothing] to do with money. Like cooking me dinner or going to the grocery store or picking up after yourself." This is likable. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kelly Rutherford now has a restraining order from her estranged husband. That's sad. On, like, five different levels. [US]

• Ha! Here's a dose of reality: The Hills "star" Stephanie Pratt tried to buy a bottle of champagne at a VMA after-party and her credit card was declined. She was later seen crying hysterically. [Page Six]
  
  
• Speaking of "reality," apparently no real socialites want to hang out for Tinsley Mortimer's reality show, so producers are trying to concoct new A-listers to help provide some energy, because Mortimer is not "dynamic" enough to carry the show on her own. That's hardly surprising, but still amusing. [Page Six]
  
  
• There's video of Michael Jackson making the shocking confession that he was a pain killer addict. [The Sun]
  
  
• Jennifer Grey says she will always remember Patrick Swayze — and his arms — with fondness. Funny, because we always heard that they hated one another. [ET]
  
  
• Katy Perry sure does get around — and doesn't have the best taste. The singer was spotted smooching John Mayer last Friday and then, after Sunday's VMA awards, locked lips with Russell Brand. Bleck. We need a mint just thinking about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brittany "Bre" Scullark, a semifinalist on America's Next Top Model, was arrested for disorderly conduct in New York City yesterday and berating another woman at Starbucks. We all have our ugly side, huh? [TMZ]
  
  
• Bea Arthur once described Betty White as a "cunt." If anyone could get away with talking trash about White, it was Arthur. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ouch! Kim Kardashian wanted to meet Gerard Butler, but he told a would-be facilitator "No thanks." [MSNBC]
  
  
• Oh no! Elton John announced he wanted to adopt a Ukrainian lad, but officials claim that, at 62, he's too old. [NYDN]
  
  
• Speaking of old men: Harrison Ford says he's signed on for the fifth installment of the Indiana Jones franchise. Because the world needs more bullshit movies, right? [People]
  
  
• Colin Farrell has successfully impregnated his girlfriend, Alicja Bachleda. [People]

Kim Kardashian shared some great wisdom, from heaven knows who. She's re-tweeting the universe!

Air America's Ana Marie Cox found Joe Wilson surprisingly defensible.

Duncan "Atrios" Black is all about NBC News.

Choire Sicha spent some time with Kate Hudson and is already bitching about the paparazzi like a pro.

You will laugh at comedian Doug Benson, or he WILL cut you.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab for a third time, but her doctor says it's simply "routine." At this point, yes. [Mirror]
  
  
• Robin Williams has been asked to play Britain's Got Talent singer Susan Boyle in a biopic about her life. Sounds like a perfect fit. [Page Six]
  
  
• Singer-turned-loon Amy Winehouse has filed a £50,000 lawsuit against her former mother-in-law, who Winehouse accused of copyright infringement for selling one of her rambling love letters to her ex-husband. [The Sun]
  
  
• Ed Swiderski, the man who shocked — shocked! — the world by cheating on his Bachelorette "girlfriend" insisted he never took the show seriously. [Us]
  
  
• Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise inspired a Scientology fashion line. That says it all. [The Guardian]
  
  
• Lesbian tennis star Martina Navratilova former beauty queen girlfriend Julia Lemigova once dated Swiss banker Edouard Stern, who was murdered by his lover in a sadomasochistic sex romp. That may be the most titillating gossip we've heard in a long time. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• American Idol winner David Cook's so secretive about his love life that he refuses to buy anything for his girlfriend. Wait, isn't that just cheap? [Page Six]
  
  
• Sex tape and reality star Kim Kardashian will direct an "unscripted show" about her publicist friend Jonathan Cheban. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now that Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes are out in the open about their adulterous relationship, Cibrian's wife is free to rip him to shreds. She describes him as a "a compulsive liar, cheater and a home wrecker." Well, we know at least two of those things are true. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ian McKellen went to see his friend Rachel Weisz in A Streetcar Named Desire. That's just sweet. [Just Jared]

• Heidi and Spencer are taking their clown show to the Miss Universe Pageant, where Heidi is supposed to perform some horrible song horribly and Spencer is just being an enormous ass, as is his usual proclivity. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sting's daughter claims that her father knows nothing about tantric sex and that the whole rumor about his sexual prowess was a gag perpetrated by Bob Geldof. In other news, there's something uniquely creepy about a daughter discussing her father's sexual prowess. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Oh for Christ's sake! Just in time for the start of the NFL season, Kim Kardashian, the ample-assed Armenian succubus, is in New Orleans trying to win Reggie Bush back. Beautiful, just freaking beautiful. Geaux Saints! [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is still doing everything in her power to kill herself. She recently went on a 48-hour bender and The Sun has some ridiculous photos of Wino with white powder all over her face and a severely burnt finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Phil Spector is whining and crying about being in prison while his 29-year-old girlfriend smuggles him food in during her visits so he doesn't have to eat in the mess hall with all the animals. [Page Six]
  
  
• A 22-year-old model has filed a lawsuit against David Copperfield claiming that he sexually assaulted her in the Bahamas two years ago. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jason Schwartzman secretly married a clothing designer named Brady Cunningham at his home in California recently. [Daily News]
  
  
• Marc Jacobs is planning to marry his Brazilian boyfriend Lorenzo Martone this weekend in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Apparently, no one is invited, but there will be an afterparty at some point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Martin has revealed the one-year-old twin boys that he had through a surrogate mother last year by taking them to the beach and posting photos on Twitter. And no, he's still not out of the closet. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Okay here's a news flash: Paula Abdul will not be returning as a judge on American Idol. Again. So can we all just move on with our lives now? [Page Six]

• Oh, well, this is a shitshow: Jon Gosselin - on leave from his Tour of Duty in the War on Good Taste, Or At The Very Least, Conscious Sartorial Choices Not Involving Ed Hardy - had the kids the other night at Castle Wolfenstein Gosselin because it was his night for them to hate a parent to their face. Well, that didn't go well, because Kate, who's a little obsessive, came back to the house to make sure Jon wasn't having the kids get babysat by one of the many in his cadre of "hussy bitches" as Kate likes to call them. Jon could've had Benjamin Spock watching the kids, and she probably would've freaked her shit out. So they got into a fight, Jon locked her out of the house, and she had to check into a Days Inn off campus. All they need to do now is strike oil and move to La Jolla. Meanwhile, Jon's hosting a pool party in Vegas soon and do you need any more reasons to despise this person? [NYDN]
  
  
• And then they made up, or something, says this photo from TMZ. [TMZ]
  
  
• Bobert Pattinson comforted his co-star, Camilla Belle, after one of the Jonas Bro-ness broke up with her. Also, I finally just watched a trailer for the new Twilight movie yesterday, and did you know the entire thing is: vampire dumps regular chick to get eaten by another vampire and then a better looking guy who turns into a werewolf eats the vampire? I'm serious. That's it. The entire movie. This is the teenage Citizen Kane, supposedly. That's what the movie's gonna be. And people are freaking out over it? I could've written that book/movie/franchise with my ass. Seriously, how about this: weekend gossip writer gets out of bed late, does a line of blow off of his washboard abs before going for coffee and typing away at his laptop. All of the sudden, he goes to the bathroom and while looking for a flat surface ends up finding a magical land of princesses, unicorns, dark magic, and TIE Fighters. He decides to bring the coffee shop girl with him, and together they have lots of adventures and do a bunch of blow and debate whether or not to turn into unicorns. NYT Bestseller List, hear that ringing? It's me calling. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Remember Antonio Sabato Jr.? Was he on that one show with Lorenzo Lamas? Anyway: Rachel McAdams had a huge crush on him as a wee Rachel McAdams and she ran into him and told him! And Antonio Sabato Jr. sent her flowers. That was fun. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paying tribute to the common knowledge that Jews run showbiz, Jerry Seinfeld will be the first guest on Jay Leno's new show. This is the talk show equivalent of having a shaman come and smudge the set with sage. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• All it took was the headline "Arrest Warrant Issued For Bobby Brown" to make me laugh. Seriously. It's like someone rang a bell in my head that was like, "KISSMYASS!" Apparently, he's delinquent on paying some kind of child support bills. Naturally. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ha, love this: Eat, Pray, Love, or as it's well known around New York, Diet, Self-Pity, Desperation is getting flack from the religions the main character/memoir's writer embarks upon when looking for herself in food and spirituality around the world, only to find out that (SPOILER ALERT) everything sucks in the end: you get fat, some dude/lady dumps you for someone prettier or younger, and then, you die. Anyway, I digress: the religious people are pissed about the book already and concerned the movie version, starring Julia Roberts, is only going to make it worse. I mean, this quote! Via the head of the Universal Society of Hinduism: "The people of India will be anxious to see how perfectly Roberts does her job of cleaning ashram floors as a part of her devotional duty, trying to recite 182- verse Sanskrit chant, and going through grueling hours of meditation, while being feasted on by mosquitoes." I mean, we're anxious to see anybody get feasted on by mosquitoes, but America's Sweetheart? Holy shit, you've got a movie right there. Don't softpaw this, Sony. At least get Clooney to play one of the little bloodsucking gnats. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dan Rather's showing up to parties around New York and Richard Johnson was like, yeah, get an item out of this. Throw some outrage in for good measure. [Page Six]
  
  
• So, one of those Kardashian girls is extending the legacy of large asses by having a kid, and Kim spoiled the supposedly ratings-boosting suspense of who the Dad was. Isn't the better question who isn't the dad of that child? Anyway, hopefully that baby will come out of its mother with a gigantic badonk because otherwise, if you've ever seen the Kardashians in action, you'd realize it's at no great genetic advantage when it comes to smarts. [Page Six]
  
  
• TMZ has a theory/sources basically positing the idea that Michael Jackson is frozen somewhere, like my brain, right now, at this moment. [TMZ]
  
  
• E! does some shameless plugging for some Sierra Mist Beach House in Malibu that basically hires small foreign children for celebrities to snort drugs off of in private. [E!]

• Sherri Shepherd says she's been trying to help Andy Dick turn his life around by leading him to God. She says that he'd call her in the middle of the night seeking guidance and she even brought Dick to the Pentecostal church she attends but he wound up hitting on everyone there, including the pastor's wife. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Heidi Montag claims that her little boy-goblin husband delivers 20-30 orgasms per day for her. Imagine how much she'd get off if she were actually boning a real man on the regular! [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian's mouth may actually be bigger than her ass! Apparently, little sister Kourtney was trying to keep the name of the guy who knocked her up a secret to create drama on her new reality show, but Kim went and blabbered all over the damn place and screwed it all up. [Page Six]
  
  
• Is George Clooney gay? That's been the dirty little rumor for some time now, and now Brad Pitt is doing his best to fan the rumor flames, just as any good pal should. [Sun]
  
  
• Why don't the single ladies want to bone Nick Lachey? He reportedly went out to Avenue the other night and got a table and tried to get ladies to come over and hang with him, but he wound up having a party of one for most of the night. [Page Six]
  
  
• Somebody hired Lindsay Lohan! She's filming a movie right now in Texas titled, Machete. Sounds like a masterpiece, no? [Sun]
  
  
• Kanye West's girlfriend Amber Rose says that Kanye was undeterred by her past as a bi-sexual stripper when they started dating. Well, duh! [Mirror]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has one of the weirdest bodies ever! One day she'll look really slim and pretty in a photo and the next she'll be bloated and now she's riddled with cellulite in her legs. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Vincent Kartheiser, the guy who plays Pete Campbell on Mad Men, says that this season of the show will be especially brilliant and uses the word "asshole" a lot when talking about his character. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Good God Victoria Beckham looks like a monster in these photographs of her heading into work as a judge on American Idol. [Daily Mail]

Ok!
"How I Lost 10 Lbs In 10 Days."
Margaret found this story offensive. Here's how it starts: "Until recently, it seemed you couldn't have a strawberry festival or a chili cook-off without Jessica Simpson showing up to take the stage…" Sources say that Jess has "already peeled off" 10 pounds in ten days. And the story is called her "revenge bikini diet." The mag says "She doesn't want to be an even larger target" and "she doesn't want to play the role of pitiful plump punchline any longer." OH GOD. Then the story turns into an ad for Harley Pasternak's fitness plan. Next: The subhead on this Gosselin story reads: "As her husband Jon sows his oats with two 20-something blondes, a shocked Kate braves her public humiliation with quiet dignity." Ay yi yi. Also, didn't he already sow some oats, like 8 of them? Anyway, he might appear on Celebrity Apprentice; Kate might get hair extensions and plastic surgery. "Is Rebbie Right For Michael's Kids?" Apparently Janet Jackson did some "soul-searching" and decided to pass on being the "mom" of Paris, Prince and Blanket. Rebbie is the most down-to-earth of the Jacksons, is very stable and has been married to her high school sweetheart for 40 years. The bad news: She lives in Las Vegas, and so does Joe Jackson. Oh, look! A made-up story about Jennifer Aniston: She invited Gerard Butler to lunch in her trailer on the set of their movie and "calmly" said, "let's just be friends." Lastly: You know how it was a big deal that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart woud see each other at Comic-Con, and there were supposed to be "steamy nights"? Kristen told a friend she hugged Rob but it felt awkward. Boo.
Grade: F (poked with a dirty syringe)

In Touch
"Exclusive: My Dream Wedding."
Well, the cover is a big lie: It says: "Summer's gorgeous brides share intimate details about their big day." Yet! The magazine did not speak to Penelope Cruz, Rachel Bilson, Anne Hathaway, or any other women in the feature. And more than half of the ladies are not engaged. The magazine speaks to wedding experts from wedding TV shows and wedding dress designers, and then whips up sketches of dresses, floral arrangements and possible honeymoon destinations for each celebrity — using an old quote to hammer home the point. For instance, Anne Hathaway once said, "I'm not the sort of girl who dreams about her wedding," and that's what is used here. It's boring and stoopid, says Margaret. Moving on: "Brad's Furious: Angelina Takes Maddox To Iraq." She was on a UN Goodwill Mission, though, you know? A 7-year-old is probably okay. Once the news broke that Jon Gosselin was dating both Hailey Glassman and Kate Major, he had a "rough day trying to calm both of them down. It was dramatic." Hailey's brother Sean was overheard saying: "He seemed like such a nice guy… but he was two-timing her with that blonde reporter girl." Since In Touch has been claiming that Jon and Hailey were engaged, now they're saying that his proposal was "drunk and impulsive." In "Hollywood Body Watch," we learn "Who's Up Who's Down," meaning: Weight. Tyra Banks is down, Jessica Alba is down, Hilary Duff is up. Avril Lavigne was seen partying on the French Riviera with oil heir Brandon Davis while her husband was in Las Vegas. Is she having an affair? Mischa Barton can't go to rehab, because she'd violate her contract with CW show The Beautiful Life, so she's in an outpatient program and has a sober companion instead. A "friend" says: "She thinks it's silly, but she doesn't have a choice." Lastly: In "The Secret Ways Stars Hook Up," we learn that John Mayer leaves his guitar by his bed, so that when he gives ladies a tour of the house, he can stop and play "Your Body Is A Wonderland." Plus: Bad pick-up lines (Fig. 1)!
Grade: D-, downgraded to F+ for lame cover story (rotting meat covered with maggots)

Life & Style
"Kim's Heartbreak."
Hmm, since the breakup was mutual, why is it only Kim's heartbreak? Anyway, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush couldn't make it work because long distance relationships are hard. "Kim's sad, but she's diving into work," says a friend. Tragically, 28-year-old Kim once said "I want to be a mom before I'm 30." So she'd better get on that. Moving on: Jon Gosselin has been spending all of the family's money (Fig 2). He bought $900 shoes; his rent is $5,000 a month; he bought a $50,000 BMW and spent $400 on dinner with Michael Lohan. Priorities! Kourtney Kardashian says: "I finally love my boob job." Eight years ago, she says, "I wanted to go back to school with new boobs. I was so dumb." Luckily, now, she likes her C cups. In "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed!" We learn that Blake Lively's defect is that she is "tall"; Isla Fisher's problem is that she is "petite," and Kate Bosworth's issue is that she is "boyish." Plus, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who has spoken openly about her anorexia and bulimia, is deemed "pear-shaped." Margaret likes the "before" on 3 out of 4 of these damn "fixes." Also: THESE PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE FLAWS. (Fig. 3) Lastly: Amy Winehouse's courtroom sketch was pretty much the best thing in this issue (Fig. 4).
Grade: F+ (food teeming with flies)

Us
"Jessica's Nightmare: The Other Woman."
The "other woman" is named Natalie Smith and she is the daughter of an athletic director from Eastern Illinois University, where Tony Romo went to school. Tony has known her and her parents for years — they're family friends — but days after dumping Jessica Simpson, he flew Smith to Dallas for a "three-day rendez-vous" at his home. "They're not officially dating, but they have an intimate relationship," says a source. Smith says: "Honestly, this is crazy. We have always been friends and there is nothing else to it." Tony's rep denies any affair. Jessica Simpson's weight was one of the reasons they broke up, though: When the media would say things about Jess's body, Tony would say "well you do look a little pudgy." Next: Jon Gosselin's "friend" Kate Major calls Michael Lohan her "second dad." Naturally, Lindsay Lohan has something to say about that: "Yuck. She and my dad, like, lied to me and stuff." Wait, what? Be more specific! Anyway, kids' clothing maker HealthTex decided to pull products Kate Gosselin had endorsed, but one shipment went out to Midwestern Wal-Marts. Next, there's a six-page interview and photoshoot with Nadya Suleman, mother of octuplets — including what the inside of her refrigerator looks like — but it's SO BORING. She does have a book coming out, though. When does she have time to write? By the by, 26 across in the Gosselin Crossword is "I did not _____ Kate." Lastly, we're loving these old yearbook photos — did Kendra have a nose job? (Fig. 5)
Grade: D- (used condoms)

Star
"The Real Story."
Kate Major, who up until recently, worked for Star, and maybe still does, tells Star how she met Jon Gosselin, and how she felt "pangs of guilt" when he interview Jon and Hailey, since she was attracted to Jon and later went out to dinner with him and then to the Hamptons with him and Michael Lohan. In any case, Kate says "I think we have a future together," and seems to think that Jon will break up with Hailey and stay with her. Moving on: Michael Cera broke up with Charlene Yi, his girlfriend of 3 years — she is 33; he is 21. They're just starting a promotional push for Paper Heart, so that should be interesting. Kevin Federline cheated on Victoria Prince — he and his brother rented a yacht and picked up "a bunch of hotties" to party with; then took the ladies back to K-Fed's house, "where things got really wild." Brad Pitt travels with his own toilet seat, because it grosses him out to not know used the bathroom before him. Kirsten Dunst has been sending flirty text messages to Robert Pattinson; she thinks he would be the ideal boyfriend. She needs to get in line behind like, a million Twihards. Blind item! "Which blonde former teen singing-acting sensation hooked up with a woman twice his age? Even though he's young, his cougar fling is bragging that he was experienced beyond his years." Jessica Simpson and Kenny Chesney were both at the same crowded beach party in Florida on 4th of July, and since Jessica sat next to him for a second and spoke to him the magazine calls it a "PUBLIC AFFAIR." Next there's this picture they're using for a story called "Brad & Angelina's Bitter Blowout" which is really a shot of Brad & Angie in the car asking the kids what they want at the drive through at McDonald's. And if you read carefully, the text supports that, too. Lastly: In "What A Difference A Year Makes," the mag estimates that Alanis Morissette has put on 20 lbs. and Hilary Duff has gained 45 lbs.
Grade: D- (decomposing vegetables)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 3 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 4

Fig. 5

• Amy Winehouse's ex-husband says that she once reached into Kate Moss' handbag and swiped a baggie of cocaine from her. This has to be the most awesome thing the ole junkie's ever done while on a binge, right? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Ample-assed famous person Kim Kardashian and her boyfriend, New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush, have split up. As a lifelong Saints fan, I couldn't be more pleased. KK is Reggie's Yoko Ono, just a world class succubus. [Sun]
  
  
• Love letters Madonna wrote to an ex-boyfriend from the early 90s, a former bouncer at Limelight named James Albright, have been put up for sale by some entrepreneur looking to make a buck. It appears as though the most startling revelation of these letters is that Madonna liked to brag about how cute her "booty" was back in the day. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh here's news that'll make your day brighter—it looks as though Lauren Conrad's new novel, LA Candy, is being optioned to be made into a film. And LC's hard at work on a second book! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• A new reality show featuring Tobey Maguire's mom and little brother called "Growing Up Maguire" is in the works. No, we have no idea how this happened. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna and Chris Brown are claiming that the fact that they were both staying in the same hotel recently is merely a coincidence and that no laws were broken and please don't come and arrest Chris for breaking his restraining order Mr. Police Officer. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Quentin Tarantino got his buddy Eli Roth, who is Jewish, to make a bunch of Nazi propaganda films that Tarantino is using in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton has been released from the psych ward and claims that she'll be returning to work on her new TV series within the next couple of weeks. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Some sicko in possession of Michael Jackson's hair from the infamous Pepsi head-fire incident during the 80s says he plans to convert the hair into diamonds and sell them to fans. Yeah. [Sun]
  
  
• Katie Holmes was nearly set ablaze when a car on the set of her new movie exploded due a faulty battery or something. Katie reportedly noticed sparks coming from the engine area and bolted from the car seconds before it went up in flames. [Daily Mail]

• Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford are not dead, despite the plethora of rumors that have been floating around on the internet that they were both casualties of The Week America Died. [Daily News]
  
  
• Joe Scarborough was scheduled to be a guest this Sunday on ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanopoulos, but had to cancel because David Gregory cried like a little schoolgirl because he wanted Scarborough on Meet the Press or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Brown has been ordered by the courts to stay at least 50 yards away from Rihanna, but Rihanna and Chris both want the order dropped, probably so they can bone. [Daily News]
  
  
• The newly single Kate Gosselin wore a bikini in her front yard with the paparazzi around to make Jon eat his freakin' heart out at what he's missing out on! [Daily News]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian says she has a huge girl crush on Megan Fox, the deformed-thumbed shunner of flower-bearing British children. If I was my boy Reggie Bush, I'd do everything possible to stage an "accidental" run-in between Kim and Megan very soon. [Sun]
  
  
• Celebrities around the world did what celebrities around the world do when one of their own dies—They Twittered about it endlessly. [Mirror]
  
  
• Ashlee Simpson is stepping out around New York wearing black leather from head to toe, trying to look all hot for her boy Pete. [Sun]
  
  
• Kanye West is joining the lineup at a music festival in Britain and fireworks are sure to fly because Oasis is playing their too and Kanye and Noel Gallagher, both epic pricks, hate each other. [Mirror]
  
  
• Leonardo DiCaprio's ex, Bar Refaeli, is the new face of Garnier Fructis products, which she claims to have been using personally for years. For some reason we doubt that. [Just Jared]

  Pic via Daily News

• Ashlee Simpson apparently harbors some deep insecurities in regards to her husband Pete Wentz's ex, Michelle Trachtenberg. The problem started when Simpson and Wentz ran into Trachtenberg and her boyfriend at a party in LA. Ashlee then proceeded to get drunk and started giving Pete lap dances to mark her territory, then screamed at Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt shares his secret for keeping himself fresh and clean when he's chasing around a dozen kids and being pretty in movies and just doesn't have time to take a shower. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson has been spotted popping into bars in West Village to watch the Yankees play, but mostly just to see the dude she's boning, Alex Rodriguez, swing his might bat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian may or may not be getting married to Reggie Bush, depending on who you talk to. Star says they're engaged, Kim says they're not. Whatever, as long as Reggie gets 2000 total yards for the Saints this year, we're fine with it. [Star]
  
  
• Susan Boyle will get special visits from her cat Pebbles to aid in her recovery from the lunacy that international stardom has stricken upon her. [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Jackson, battling skin cancer, is refusing to eat any food and has dropped down to a dangerously low weight. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Star Trek Captain Kirk dude Chris Pine has used up Audrina Patridge for a week or two of fun and is now kicking her to the curb, as was widely predicted. [Sun]
  
  
• A new book says that Britney Spears spiraled out of control last year because she was afraid of her LSU football and booze loving father, Jamie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Neil Patrick Harris wants to get into Hugh Jackman's pants. [Daily News]

• Kelly Bensimon is ruined, Ruined! she says. Apparently, Bensimon realized during the reunion episode that she came off like a total bizznatch on the show and now regrets looking like an ass on reality TV. Whoops! [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman isn't into Sean Penn, she says. Which is too bad, because on the SAT question that asks what follows in a logical progression after Natalie Portman dates professional weirdo Devendra Banhart, I definitely wrote "Sean Penn." Shit. [US]
  
  
• Vogue intern and sometimes-hockey-player Sean Avery hit up Scores the other night and a stripper followed him out and gave him her digits. A few nights later, he hosted a charity benefit for something called the "Garden of Dreams," which incidentally has nothing to do with his cock-region. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears spent over $3M in scrilla, dishing out cash hand over fist in legal fees, $188,556 for assistants, and lots of groceries for "PopoZão" singer Kevin Federline. [E!]
  
  
• Paris Hilton's neighbors want her out of the 'hood so badly, they're willing to bribe her landlord an extra $5K. [TMZ]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face is here, and comes with rear airbags, a direct MP3 hookup, and a daughter who won't shut the fuck up about her Dad's new face. [NYDN]
  
  
• Paps checked Brooke Shields' mother out of a nursing home. Rights to the best meta-buddy-comedy of all time are being optioned as we speak. [Wonderwall]
  
  

• Poor Carrie Prejean just can't catch a break. She's just living her life trying to do right by Jesus and all those assholes with naked pictures of her in their sock drawer keep bringing her down. (TMZ)
  
  
• Now wait a minute...I love Bob Barker. And I love Betty White. So who the hell am I gonna lay a twenty spot on in this one? This is just like that time Fred Rogers and Aunt Bee got into a tiff over the perfect temperature to bake an apple pie. Or something. (BB)
  
  
• Eminem is doing his best to piss off Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, running around talking about how he wants her "back" and how he loves her and misses giving her golden showers each morning after breakfast. I predict this will end with knifeplay. (People)
  
  
• Well lookee here...Keith Olbermann's girlfriend just got hired at NBC! (Page Six)
  
  
• Kelly Clarkson has packed on a few pounds. (DListed)
  
  
• Madonna is now a Mets fan. Is she boning David Wright too? (Page Six)
  
  
• Bruce Jenner is having plastic surgery and Kim Kardashian is more than happy to blabber about it all over the place. (Daily News)
  
  
• The autopsy performed on Danny Gans' body has been ruled "inconclusive". (Perez)

OK!
"Love, Lust & Lies." The inside story does not live up to its lame selling point on the cover, since it is just a package of pretty headshots of male celebrities with random relationship quotes. Also, it is called "How To Snag An A-List Guy," but we thought it said "How To Shag An A-List Guy," which we would have preferred. Moving on: Apparently Chris Brown has been calling Rihanna's producer and "demanding" to know if Rihanna is there; Rihanna always says, "Tell him I'm not here." Kimora Lee Simmons says her baby shower was "last minute and low-key." [Fig. 1] But here's what she had: Sliced prime rib; lobster; crab; shrimp; caviar; poached salmon; macaroni and cheese; a fondue fountain with white chocolate, fruit and marshmallows; red velvet cake; Jamaican rum cake and strawberry shortcake. Don't you love a recession? Something Kelly Ripa said at the very end of an interview got turned into a headline: "I Look My Age." Here's her quote: "I don't think I really look that young. I think I look my age, but that's okay, I don't mind that." Then there's a Mother's Day shopping page which suggests a $595 orange bag, a $1350 Tiffany necklace or a $48 candle.
Grade: F (swine flu)

In Touch
"Brad Takes The Kids." …To Niagara Falls. Seriously, the story goes like this: Brad took Pax and Maddox to Niagara Falls, and the copy reads: "While Brad was clearly trying to make it a fun day for the boys, there was no missing the sadness etched into his face." Anyway, the only reason he keeps coming back to live with Angelina is "purely for the children's sake." This story contradicts itself! First it reads, "During the Niagara Falls trip, Angelina was conspicuously absent." Later in the paragraph, this: "Angelina, who was shooting in Albany…" She was busy, people. Then there's a sidebar called "Will She Get Pregnant To Keep Brad?" Because he could walk out on six kids, but not seven. There's also an arrow pointing to her abdomen with the words, "Is that a bump?" Next: Fergie and Josh Duhamel are "getting ready" for a baby, apparently because 34-year-old Fergs said she wanted to have kids by the time she is 35 and her birthday is coming up. Also inside: "Stressed Out Lindsay Is Down To 97 Pounds." The mag helpfully prints arrows pointing to her bones [Fig. 2]. A friend says "She is stressed out and nervous. She can't eat." Registered dietician Joseph J. Mutz, who does not treat Lindsay, warns: "Whatever the reason is behind Lindsay's obvious weight loss, her health is certainly in danger." In a story about the wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, we learn that their families were stuck in the back rows of the church while cast members of The Hills — including JustinBobby — sat up front. In "Octomom" news, a limo driver named Luis Ceballos says "I want to get a DNA test on that first kid." Luis used to drive Nadya Suleman around back when she was a stripper/dancer. He says he had unprotected sex "in the back my limo. right around the time she stopped stripping and disappeared, I found out she was pregnant. That is why I think the kid is mine." In Touch agrees, printing the words, "They look so similar!" [Fig. 3]. In Twilight news, Robert Pattinson is "living it up" because he was photographed having a drink and getting into a cab [Fig. 4] Even though the photos are laid out to seem like one long night of partying, they're clearly from different days. A source says, "He's definitely getting the hang of this heartthrob thing."
Grade: D- (pig sty)

Us
"Caught With Other Woman." Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 might be having an affair. He went out to a club in Reading, PA and wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He and a woman who is not his wife left from separate exits, but both got in his car. He was heard saying: "Hey babe, babe! Give me my jacket." When the two realized photographers had caught them and were taking pix, Jon panicked and said: "Get in the car! Get in the car!" The ladyfriend got in the driver sear and they sped off without headlights. Dramz! Kate was away at a book signing while all this was going on. One neighbor says that Jon is living in the apartment above the garage. Jon emailed the magazine with this explanation: "I went to [the club] to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car. So I let her drive it to her car." Uh, right. This story goes on for 6 pages if you're interested. There's a Lindsay Lohan story titled "Is She Too Thin?" A Lohan source says: "The eating stuff is a big control issue for Lindsay. She can't control her career or relationship with Sam or what people say about her, but she can just not eat." Then Lindsay texted Us, saying: "I am eating hash browns with eggs and bacon AS WE SPEAK! Lol." The magazine adds: "Her wheat toast, a magazine worker told Us, remained untouched." Multiple sources tell the mag that Lindsay is taking Adderall; another source says "she loves when her ribs are showing."
Grade: C- (pig knuckles)

Star
"Mom At Last!" Jennifer Aniston is adopting a baby boy, and Brad Pitt urged her to do it. An "insider" says she's finishing up paperwork and waiting to bring home her little bundle of joy, who is an American baby. A friend says she picked a boy because she is a tomboy at heart and not a girly-girl. The insider says, "This is definitely happening, and it's incredibly exciting for Jen." She was "toying" with the names William and Jeremiah, but finally settled on "Nicholas," to "honor her Greek heritage." The middle name will be John, not because of John Mayer, but because her dad's name is John. Moving on: Blind item! "Which reality TV sweetie is actually a huge diva? She whips off her mic and disappears for days when she doesn't want to be filmed. The crew can't wait to get rid of her." The story titled "LC Ruins Speidi's Wedding" claims that Lauren Conrad arrived at the church about 10 minutes before the ceremony, "but she wasn't about to sit there waiting. She got up and left the church and went for a walk to get away from the crazy scene." When she came back, the ceremony was already underway, but instead of just sitting the back, LC strolled up the aisle and took her original seat. "She showed little respect," says an insider. Or did producers TELL HER to leave and come back? Another insider said "The whole thing had a cheesy feel to it, it was more like one of Spencer and Heidi's publicity stunts than a wedding." The stars of The Hills only came because they were contractually obligated; Heidi tossed her bouquet on the front steps of the church because none of the Hills stars went to the reception. Anyway, Kristin Cavallari "caught" the bouquet and guess who stars in the next season of The Hills? Moving on: Sarah Jessica Parker is having twins via a surrogate. The mag prints a blurred picture of the woman, who is due July 18, and lives in SJP's home state of Ohio. She's 26, divorced, with one son, works at a kennel and is getting $30,000 to carry the kids. She'd already been a surrogate for two gay men in NYC, which is why SJP picked her. The babies were conceived in vitro using eggs SJP had frozen some time ago & Matthew's sperm. An "insider" says, "Twins is one more than they expected, but they are very happy and excited. It has brought them closer, because it is something they are doing together." There's a 2-page spread titled "How Kim Got Lil' Again." (She got meals delivered and started working out.) Is Angelina pregnant? She was seen wearing an empire-waist dress!!!! Hey, can you guess a celebrity by her silohuette [Fig. 5]? Lastly, "Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars" is celebrity baby pictures. Check out Ryan Seacrest's blue eyeshadow [Fig. 6]!
Grade: C (pig skins)

Life & Style
"I Have Cellulite. So What!" The "exclusive 100% unretouched photos" of Kim Kardashian wearing her mom's bikini are actually kind of boring [Fig. 7,8]. She says she wanted to do the shoot because of the Complex controversy: "I wanted to say, this is me, take it or leave it." She also says: "I love my body the way it is. I'm not perfect. I have cellulite. So what." And: "On the red carpet, the paparazzi scream for me to turn around, because they just want butt shots. People feel so free to talk about my butt, and it's not comfortable. Girls come up to me and grab my butt. Or if I'm doing a TV interview, people ask on camera to squeeze my butt. It's uncomfortable. I'm like, let's move on, everyone's got a butt, why do you care about mine?" In the Heidi/Spencer wedding story, it says that Spencer's parents almost didn't attend the wedding — not because they didn't approve, but because of the cameras: "When they started the show three years ago, my husband and I decided we didn't want to be on it," says Spencer's mom says. "We want nothing to do with it. We sat in the back so we wouldn't be filmed." When one reception ended at 10pm, Heidi changed into a white Juicy Couture sweatsuit with Mrs. Pratt on the back, and they all went to another bar for more cocktails. Also: Heidi is in negotiations to do Playboy. The story titled "Jen's Picking The Wrong Guys Again" is absurd. The mag says her "crushes" are Sean Avery and John Stamos. Avery is a "bad boy" and didn't call her back; Stamos doesn't date celebrities anymore. Someone who will date her? Aaron Sorkin. He's been pushing for a get-together, but "his history of drug problems scared her off." An "insider" says, "Jen admits she can't resist the dark side of men. So you can bet whoever she hooks up with next is going to wind up hurting her." C'mon now. That is just rude. "Is Lindsay's New Addiction Making Her Skinny?" A "friend" says, "when she gets stressed, she forgets to eat." The mag says, "but she doesn't forget to drink!" Apparently Lindsay loves Neuro energy drinks. So much that she's addicted. Lastly, in unrelated news, Extra's Dayna Devon says, "I Love My Tummy Tuck!"
Grade: C+ (spare ribs)

Fig. 1

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Fig. 8

Hannity almost certainly has no idea who Kardashian is. He told her some girls look up to her because, unlike Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, Kardashian doesn't drink. Then he asked her about her Playboy spread in a concerned, fatherly way: "Why Playboy? That's the only thing I didn't understand in your bio. That didn't make sense to me."

So that must mean the part of her bio where she taped herself having dirty naked sex with a man [NSFW], and the tape was fairly well-produced and well-lit—almost professionally so!—and then the tape was sold for $1 million? That part made perfect sense to you, Sean. Sean Hannity's America is sounding like a better place to live every day.

[Thanks to our astute commenters for their assistance with this matter]

1. Her skin has been lightened.
2. The skin tone on her thighs has been evened out.
3. Her arm is thinner.
4. Her hips have been shrunk.
5. Her waist has been shrunk.
6. Her thighs have been shrunk.
7. Her butt has been shrunk.
8. Her boobs have been shrunk.
9. Her sleeve has been smoothed out.
10. The color of her dress has been lightened.
11. The background color has been lightened.
12. Her pantyline has been reshaped.
13. The top of her hair has been evened out.
14. And just a leeetle bit of nipple has been erased.

Add any extras in the comments, obsessives.
[Photo-morphing illustration via Celebslam.]