Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

• Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning make out in The Runaways, and Dakota said they "were so into the scene." Dakota, who also co-starred with sulky Stewart in New Moon, continued: "It was passionate. We're playing Joan Jett and Cherie Curie and they're best friends in the film and became really close in real life. And that's something that went down back in the '70s." Actually, that's something that goes down now, too, but the bigger issue here is: Little Dakota Fanning grew up so fast! It seems like only yesterday Kathy Griffin was making inappropriate jokes about Dakota going to rehab, and now she's actually old enough to do such a thing, and to make out in movies, and do lesbian sex scenes, &c. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Joe Francis plans to file for bankruptcy today, because he owes the IRS $33,819,087.14, and while they wait for him to cough it up, they've frozen some $100M of his assets. Three issues of disbelief: (1) Why does this man have so much money? Yes, this comes up every time there is a story about Joe Francis' ungodly wealth, but it is necessary to keep saying it, lest we lose our grip on how wretched a world that rewards this man truly is. (2) He racked this debt up in three shorts years. Let this be is a lesson in the terror of IRS interest rates. (3) Does the IRS really need to specify down to the fourteenth penny in this case? You'd think that once you hit the $10M mark, they'd round to the nearest thousand or something. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Kirstie Alley says Conan "acts like I bit his dick off." During a twitter bitch-fest with Star Jones about how much they hate people who laugh at fat celebs, Kirstie nicknamed him "CONAN O'BITCH O'BRIEN" prompting Star to joke about "brothers from Brooklyn" who "wanted some" (I think. Between the typos and ellipses I'm having trouble making sense of this stuff. It's like decoding hieroglyphics.) and LOLs all around. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• Rihanna's dating again! She spent time with 90210 star Tristan Wilds in L.A. last weekend, and appreciates how he is "a real gentleman." Did we mention he's working on a CD? [NYDN]
• 
  
• Nicole Richie has been hospitalized for pneumonia. Richie skipped the launch of her Bebe jewelry line House of Harlow last week because she felt sick—did she already have pneumonia then? Are little Harlow and Sparrow okay? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• This advice will help an entire generation of starlets: Pam Anderson explains how came clean to her kids about her sex tape with their dad. Anderson says she anticipated a new wave of interest following her cameo on Borat, so explained to her 12- and 11-year-old sons that videotaping sex is something that happens when you are "massively in love," which, for some reason, strikes me as kind of sweet. I always thought a cleaned-up Tommy Lee was the one meant for Pammy. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Suri Cruise threw a tantrum over a mink coat she saw in a store window. Katie Holmes said no, so Suri cried, and I am reminded yet again that this child's life is 800 times better than mine. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Robert Pattinson needs to learn which stories about rabid fans are funny and which just freak us out. In a taped interview with Ellen DeGeneres airing Friday, Pattinson describes how he once cajoled a female fan into getting naked in public. An autograph-seeker asked, "What can I do to get your attention?" and Pattinson replied, "um, just take your clothes off." The girl ripped her clothes off and "got dragged out of the room by security." Lest we think Edward Cullen a total perv he adds that he "never felt more terrible," it's just that he has a terrible sense of humor, you see. [People]
• 
  
• The patriarch of a family that received tens of millions from Michael Jackson to settle a molestation case committed suicide yesterday. Evan Chandler shot himself in the head in his home and was "extremely ill" with cancer, so it probably had nothing to do with Jacko, but the MJ conspiracy theorists will probably go nuts today, anyway. [CNN]
• 
  
• Erin Andrews' alleged peephole stalker has been charged with one count of internet stalking. Court documents reveal that he used the email address handsfouryou@yahoo.com, which reminds me of Mr. Hands, the guy who died of a perforated colon after having sex with a horse. This raises an interesting question: Who is creepier, Mr. Hands or Mr. HandsFourYou? At least the horse consented, sort of. Anyway, Mr. HandsFourYou gave his peephole video the file name "Erin Andrews Naked Butt," suggesting that his ability to foresee the consequences of his actions were as weak as Mr. Hands'. [TMZ]
• 
  

Playgirl's Daniel Nardicio turned the tables on CNN.

Kirstie Alley, meanwhile, wants a piece of a certain NBC redhead.

Fortune's Philip Elmer-DeWitt passed along some good old fashioned bitching about Mike Arrinton, the TechCrunch publisher, from Kevin Rose, the Dig founder (and former CNET personality).

30 Rock's Grizz and Dot-com have a very specific niche within the show: bringing the funny.

Geek TV host Olivia Munn confirmed that it's an "ASS WORLD." So true.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

Do you think Paul Haggis' public defection opened the floodgates? Put your money where your mouth is. Lines are only open on 11 seemingly randomly chosen Scientology celebs. If any of these people do publicly renounce Scientology, some tabloid reporters are going to make a lot of money on it if they find out first. Here's our handicapping, such as it is:

John Travolta, 9:4
Rumors are swirling in the wake of his admission, contrary to Scientology dogma, that autism exists, and that his deceased son Jett suffered from it. But Travolta doubled down on the cult in July, announcing through his rep that he would be a Scintologist "now and forever," which basically means he knows that if he leaves his former co-religionists will leak all the gay-sounding stuff he said during his auditing sessions.

Katie Holmes, 3:1
We sort of doubt it, since she probably wants to see her daughter again.

Lisa Marie Presley, 4:1
Perhaps. We got a tip not long ago that Presley had blown the church, but her rep denied it. Again, they have files on her—and all of their members—which makes this whole exercise slightly academic. Maybe it would be more fruitful to bet on which vicious rumors will soon begin circulating about Paul Haggis.

Jason Lee, 6:1
Scientology gave him his career, and it can take it away. So no.

Priscilla Presley, 8:1
She and Lisa Marie will probably stay or go together.

Chaka Khan, 10:1
Huh. Who knew?

Nancy Cartwright, 12:1
Long odds are deserved—the Simpsons actor gave $10 million to the church just two years ago.

Brandy, 14:1
There are internet rumors that she turned her back on the church after a 2006 car accident. Combine that with the long odds, and she might be the best bet.

Beck, 18:1
Beck grew up in the church, as did his wife. So he's more likely to view the current trouble rocking the cult as a crisis in his religion that needs to be addressed rather than proof that it is, indeed, a cult.

Kirstie Alley, 25:1
She reacted to Paul Haggis' defection on Twitter in true Scientology style, by denying everything he said. So she's in for the long haul.

Tom Cruise, 50:1
Stranger things have happened.

CORRECTION: We initially described Paddy Power as a British bookmaker. It's actually an Irish company.

[Via New Humanist.]

Singer Jessica Simpson's missing dog might as well be her actual human baby, the baby she inadvertently fed to coyotes.

Kirstie Alley, the actress and Scientologist, has been hoodwinked into spending exorbitant amounts of money to achieve arbitrary nonsensical goals inside a made-up world created expressly for the purpose of separating people from their money. Go figure.

Mark Glaser, PBS' media critic, didn't know the power of his own tweets.

Diablo Cody craved a long-delayed three way with Ben & Jerry.

CNN's Situation Room has finally been hooked up to Twitter, as Wolf Blitzer joins the microblogging service. Finally, someone has brought a rapid, disjointed discussion of the news cycle to Twitter.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

If Kirstie Alley wrote a blog called "Insane Calls I Get from the Celeb-Media," we'd totally read it all the time. This one was apparently from the National Enquirer.

Writer Nelson George reported that White Sox caps are cool again, and not because you can make them say "sex" like in the big early 90s craze.

Activist Matt Browner Hamlin was disappointed to learn his evening entertainment had been canceled.

Dan Abrams' Twitter wrote about Dan Abrams' website writing about Dan Abrams' website being started one year ago, by Dan Abrams. Dan Abrams' stubble wrote a parallel entry on its own Twitter, also about turning one month old, but has yet to get a retweet from Dan Abrams, much less a Mediaite post or a consulting gig.

Boing Boing founder Mark Fauenfelder spread the Bad News, about Satan. #secularhumanistfriday

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

Venture Beat's Eric Rosser Eldon implied his computer might perform better with a little therapy.

Camera-loving blogger Shira Lazar explained how she sizes up men in Hawaii.

Wired's Adam Rogers placed his title at the center of a ven diagram involving sci-fi, tech journalism and hard-core narcotics.

Twitter made new-media whore Paul Carr especially #belligerent.

Kristie Alley found she could not escape the papparazzi, even on Twitter. This did not make her happy.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.

CNET's Caroline McCarthy discovered her attire was inappropriate.

Inked magazine editor Jason Buhrmester reveled in his own sacrilege.

Boing Boing's Joel Johnson had a good question to ask about D.

The Guardian's Jemima Kiss could hardly contemplate what she'd become.

Kirstie Alley became acquainted with the less happy side of Twitter.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets — or send us more Twitter usernames.

Extreme-dieting Scientologist Kirstie Alley explained who is first against the wall in the vegetable revolution. Ha... ha?

The Washington Post's Chris Cillizza wondered if it was him or the White House stonewalling he was livetweeting that scared away so many followers.

Time columnist James Poniewozik basked in the glory of Kiefer Sutherland's bar-assault joke.

Jezebel's Megan Carpentier had neither penis envy nor penis guilt.

The Onion's Joe Randazzo pseudo-lamented a tweeter's pseudo-fame.

Investor and pundit Paul Kedrosky contemplated his own vision of hell.

• Kiefer Sutherland is trying to explain why he head-butted designer Jack McCollough at a Met Costume Institute gala after-party Tuesday night, possibly violating his probation. He says he was defending the honor of Brooke Shields, who was knocked over by McCollough, according to Sutherland. Alternate theory: serial drunk driver Sutherland was just completely wasted, which is why he was running around a hotel bar earlier in the evening "wearing a giant feather boa and acting totally crazy."
  
• Rihanna's "somewhat masculine" tuxedo-looking outfit at the Met Costume gala means she really is a lesbian just as suspected. Do her "dominatrix stockings" mean the same thing?
  
• Courtenay Semel, last seen headed to rehab, is apparently broken up with heiress Casey Johnson, who has moved on to partying with Linsday Lohan. Maybe Johnson can now enable a new self-destructive young rich lesbian.
  
• After gaining 83 pounds, Kirstie Alley won't go out in public. But she did pose for the cover of People magazine. [People]
  
• Madonna danced with "at least five men" after the Met Costume event. But she still found time to give A-Rods ex the stink eye. Such a pro. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Brad Pitt said the other night that life is hell without Jennifer Aniston, he made a huge mistake and he wants her back. According to Aniston's buddy Courtney Cox, who had a long conversation with the actor and can be counted on not to exaggerate or distort what he said. [Ian Undercover]
  
• If Paula Abdul seemed weird, it's because she was heavily drugged, she says. Honest explanation! [Scoop]

It's a devastating charge that stands to upend celebrity religion as we know it — more details and a brief analysis by the Defamer Legal Team follow after the jump.

We know, we know: Racketeering? Scientologists? But they seem so modest! Nevertheless, as we're learning today, it's not just the Catholics who allegedly have ethics-challenged leeches dangling from the flock's soft flesh:

Letterese calls the church a "crime syndicate" and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization [RICO] law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

He singles out Cruise, who's made no secret of his religion, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is "aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars."

One of Letterese's beefs is that the church allegedly uses a business book, Effective Sales Closing Techniques, as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane.

A Scientology spokesman refutes all the claims, particularly the latter, which he said was already thrown out of another court. Scary Hollywood Lawyer Bert Fields, meanwhile, isn't talking on behalf of his client Cruise. We can't blame him, with previous CO$ scandals implicating Smith and Kirstie Alley both suggesting that the Scientologists aren't above calling in a hit when thetans get out of hand. Indeed, the whole thing sets up a scenario eerily reminiscent of the final shot of The Godfather, where a bellowing Cruise resists Katie Holmes inquiries before relenting for exactly one question about the reach of his nefarious religious dealings: "Is it true?" To which he responds with a blank-faced beat, a long stare beneath her severe bangs and, finally, the modulated, memorable reply: "You're being glib."

• Lawsuit goes after Tom Cruise, church [NYDN]

• Alec Baldwin lashes out at the family court system in his book, not his ex-wife Kim Basinger. He takes care of her at live party appearances: "My ex-wife reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." [Showbiz Spy]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their big house-de-thetaning party in Beverly Hills, and a helicopter or tree-climber showed up to take pictures. In the first shot, you can see Cruise trying to crash the photographer with his Scientology mind powers. Guests included Victoria Beckham, whose terrified husband stayed home so he couldn't be kidnapped again; Oprah Winfrey, who brought her very close personal friend Gail King; Jennifer Lopez, who likely left the babies at home with their security detail; Tobey Maguire; and fellow crazy Scientologists Kimora Lee and Kirstie Alley.
• Leven Rambin: "I have come to an understanding that soap fans are unlike any other; dedicated, passionate, and loving." Actually, all fans are dedicated, passionate and loving. That's the definition of "fan." [Oh No They Didn't]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston continue to hang out. [Faded Youth]
• Diddy and Cameron Diaz held hands. She said he "must" try her "bread pudding," and spoon fed it to him. Then they snuck off into Prince's basement together. They're of course "just friends." [Rush & Molloy]
• Wesley Snipes is confident he isn't going to jail for the tax evasion thing. He is out on bail and plans an appeal. [P6]
• Sulu from Star Trek getting married to his gay partner, has a sense of humor: "He got down on one knee. I said, ‘What are you doing down there?'" [R&M]
• About one-third of Kurt Cobain's ashes were stolen from wife Courtney Love, who kept them in "a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag" that she used to take "everywhere." She said she was suicidal. [News of the World]
• Rapper M.I.A., who was going to have to leave the country, is marrying a media mogul's son right before her work papers expire. So if they catch her at the border, she really will have visas in her name. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Charlie Sheen has remarried, which means he has a new person to apologize to. [Hollyscoop]
• Hugh Grant, the film star once busted for prostitution, was very interested in taking home a "leggy brunette" from a club until he realized photographers were present. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie keeps guns at home, knows how to use them. [Showbiz Spy]
• Awkward: Harrison Ford had to explicitly deny widespread rumors that he will finally marry Calista Flockhart. [Showbiz Spy]

As we all know, Megan's daytime show with a confusing chit-chat theme about all topics under the sun (we assume she was angling for Oprah's spot in the limelight, but why, Megan, why?) was swiftly canceled over a year ago, marking her post-Will And Grace comeback a quasi-disaster. And then there was the case of comeback-seeking Gabrielle Carteris, who debuted Gabrielle in 1995, only to have it canceled within a year. (But hey! She kinda "came back" on The Surreal Life along with Corey Feldman in 2005, right? Well, nevermind.)

But there is one daytime diva whose footsteps Kirstie might consider following, and those footsteps belong to Miss Tyra. The secret to Tyra's success remains a mystery to us, but her repeated usage of fat suits to prove that some kind of fatist conspiracy theory exists seems to keep viewers tuning in. While we doubt Kirstie would dare chub up for the cameras, we'd advise her to force her audience members into the sweaty contraptions.

• KIRSTIE ALLEY SIGNS DEAL WITH OPRAH [People]
• KIRSTIE ALLEY SIGNS DEAL WITH OPRAH WINFREY'S HARPO PRODUCTIONS [Digital Media Net]

• Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricks estimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.
• Ex-Beatle McCartney can pay since he basically sweats hundred-dollar bills — he's worth around 387 million pounds, which is like a billion trillion worthless American dollars. [Sun]
• Do NOT ask Lindsay Lohan to pose in front of Paris Hilton accessories! The Mean Girls star and Hilton rival will throw a "fit." [Daily News]
• Do NOT compare Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse and call her the unsexiest woman in the world! The Sex and the City star will fill with rage and anger. Her husband Matthew Broderick will question his sexuality. [P6]
• Like gullible actor Will Smith, talk show host Oprah Winfrey does not mind financial involvement with crazy Scientologists: She signed a deal with TV star Kirstie Alley and might give Alley her own show. Might? Is Alley going to produce, like, a poignant and unexpected Founding Father biopic instead?
• Singer Britney Spears in How I Met Your Mother TV cameo: "Can’t we have sex and then go shopping?" Ironic because: Spears ex Adnan Ghlaib now saying he never had sex with Spears, pitied her. [Sun]
• Spears is back into Kabbalah, allegedly. [X17]
• Singer-junkie Amy Winehouse was offered either $1 million or one million pounds to perform in front of Vogue editor Anna Wintour and movie stars George Clooney and Julia Roberts at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Or she wasn't.
• Halle Berry's baby daughter is called Nahla Ariela Aubry. Nahla is an Arabic-derived word meaning "honeybee." In modern English it means "destined to be so very hot." [P6]
• Model Kate Moss licked her rocker boyfriend's neck and stuffed a bottle of wine in her handbag after a "boozy" lunch. Paris is awesome. [Sun]

June 2006: "Reese Witherspoon: She's Not Pregnant, It's Bloat!" Star Magazine
After Reese played the lawsuit game with Star for claiming she was pregnant, the magazine launched a counterattack with this doozy.

May 10, 2007:"Val Kilmer Goes From Batman To Fatman," The Daily Mail
Among the story's gems were, "where a six pack once rippled on Val Kilmer's chest, now stands what looks more like a rather large beer belly," and "there appeared to be a lot more to Kilmer than once met the eye." But the report does give Kilmer one reason not to just drift off into the waves and end it all then: "Despite his growing paunch, Kilmer appears to be working harder than ever." Yes, believe it or not, Kilmer's expanding waistline didn't prevent him from acting! Astonishing.

November 2004: "260-lb Kirstie: Too Fat For Sex!" Star Magazine
At her worst, Kirstie wasn't exactly adored by the weeklies, who happily decorated their covers week after week with the world's most unflattering photos and cover stories. But rather than suing them all, she used some of the more stellar headlines in her comeback vehicle Fat Actress.

July 2006: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," National Enquirer
Demi Moore and Britney Spears were inducted into the "Cellulite Hall of Fame," and Michael Douglas and Chris Noth were accused of having frightful bellies. Poor Gerard Depardieu was even ragged on for wearing a thong on a European beach, where aging actors and healthy appetites are heartily welcome.

May 2007: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," Star Magazine
The award for "Worst Saggy"? Uma Thurman! "Worst Secret Sagginess"? Kate Hudson! Last we checked, Uma and Kate were two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, no? And poor Hulk Hogan won the title of "Worst Bikini," who "has gone wrong in so many ways," and whose neon beachwear "makes it touch to avoid noticing Hulk's uh, hogans."

[Photo Credits: Popbytes, Celebitchy, Daily Mail, Ms. Magazine]

• LISA MARIE SUES TABLOID OVER WEIGHT GAIN STORY [Us]

In today's episode: Sacha Baron Cohen; Adam Sandler and Richard Dreyfuss; Drew Barrymore; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, Omar Epps, and Arye Gross; Hayden Christensen; Jason Schwartzman; Chad Faust; Kirstie Alley; Howie Mandel; Nick Nolte; Mickey Rourke; Heidi Klum and Kathleen Robertson; Dylan McDermott; Lauren Graham; Justin Long; Rob Corddry; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; David Boreanaz; Emily Deschanel and Zachary Quinto; Nicky Hilton, David and Jeff Katzenberg; Christopher Mintz-Plasse; Danny Bonaduce; Brooke White; Monty Hall and Gary Owens.

· I saw Sacha Baron Cohen doing filming as Bruno (gay Austrian) at On Your Marks Studio in Sherman Oaks on Feb. 21st. He was dressed in tight leather black pants with a bedazzeled g-string showing. his hair was frosted blond and straight. He was interviewing parents with their children pretending to be an german / austrian ad agent looking for a child to do a car commercial. He asked questions like : are you willing to film your child with ants? bees or wasps? dogs? ect. very funny.

· Feb 20 - Adam Sandler was in the dining room of the Polo Lounge in a green t shirt at a table with a bunch of little kids. Kind of awesome. Then, in the lobby, a very old woman said, "I want something nice to snack on!" Her date, or friend, or companion, or whatever, an old guy who looked a bit like a shriveled Einstein, said, "Oh, something to do like THIS?"—and mimed shoving a candy bar in his mouth. Would it surprise you if I said that the wisened little man was Richard Dreyfuss?

· I'm simply shocked (shocked!) no one sent in Drew Barrymore at the Derby Dolls game on Saturday night (Feb 16). She sat front and center in the VIP section with some moody hipster types. I later saw her jumping up and down, all smiles talking with star jammer Mila Minute. Maybe Drew's scouting extras for her directorial debut? I've even got some photographic evidence.

· 2/20 Hugo's Studio City - Gwen, Gavin and Kingston Stefani-Rossdale looking magnificent, Arye Gross of "Ellen" notoriety, Omar Epps who only tip waitresses and the last time I saw Hayden Christensen there he hit on me, but I refuse to disclose the identify my sex.

· Feb 25 - This weekend I had two sightings at M Cafe de Chaya on Melrose. Saturday I saw Jason Schwartzman looking very cute with a nice healthy glow. Must be all that delicious Cafe M macrobiotic food! Someone was blocking his car in and he was very patient and polite. Sunday I went back to Cafe M for more deliciousness and saw Chad Faust from the USA show the 4400. I must be one of seven people that watch that show but man is the boy hot.

· Kirstie Alley: Saturday Feb 23 eating at Gingergrass in Silver Lake with two teen age girls and a couple 20 something chicks. One of her guests was eating salad; from the detritus on her plate, KA had KO'd a plate of sauteed meat and rice. KA had no make up and was dressed in large casual clothes. She's full figured but not obese, though some alpha hydroxy or laser around the lips and chin would def be a suggestion—more so than weight loss—for prettying up. No idea what they were gabbing about, they were too far away to eavesdrop on.

· last Thursday (Feb 21), having lunch in the 'bu at coogie's on pch, when who should walk in but the be-chromed dome himself, howie mandel. he was with a couple and the three of them were seated in the booth next to mine. i listened carefully as they discussed what they were going to order and waited to see what it was going to be for howie - a meal or no meal.

· then on friday, again in the 'bu, i was enjoying my delicious high protein burrito from howie's taqueria in the malibu country mart, when i see a tall-ish, dishevelled man walking my direction, wearing diaphanous, black man-made fiber pants, a black man-made fiber trench coat and a straw fedora-esque hat with a whole lotta crazy hair trying to escape from under it. as the gentlemen gets close i realize it's malibu's second favorite DUI son - nick nolte! aside from the air of crazy he exudes, what was most striking was the fact that he was wearing all that black and all that clothing in close to 80 degree weather.

· Feb 26 - I'm getting some work done at the Santa Monica Public Library, but some guy keeps snoring really loudly. I look up and am completely un-surprised to find that it's Mickey Rourke, sunglasses on and feet propped on a canvas bag. A girl politely wakes him up, and he proceeds to hit on her. Yes, that all sounds about right.

· It was a double dose of celebrity fun at 25 Degrees this afternoon (February 21st). Shortly after being seated in the far back booth for lunch, my friends and I spotted Kathleen Robertson of 90210 fame. Looking pretty and casually dressed, she ate with an older couple. Service for our meal was a little on the slow side (per usual), until it came time to pay the check and have our plates cleared. It was then we were informed that Heidi Klum needed a table — our table. We barely had a chance get up and walk away before Heidi and her entourage took over. She was shorter than I imagined; let's say 5'8".

· 2/25 - Dylan McDermott looking just as pretty as you'd expect Dylan McDermott to look cruising through Santa Monica in a black Porsche.

· 2/23 at Mexico City in Los Feliz: Lauren Graham sat in the booth next to us. She was with a couple and was looking fabulous. Still quite the (fictional) MILF!

· getting off the 10 at the 4th/5th st exit into santa monica, got cut off by some douche in a black prius. i'm able to use a pit maneuver and get in front of said douche, check my rearview and i see justin long. boytoy was in a hurry to get down to main street.

· Feb 21 - This morning! Rob Corddry! Jogging! In my neighborhood! (Almost ran over him with my car, but we won't mention that part in the awesomeness of the occasion.) Am wondering what he's doing hanging out so close to the place where they stash all the American Idol contenders each year.

· On Thursday, Feb. 28th, at about 10:10 am, I spotted David Boreanaz exiting a gas station on the corner of La Cienga and Holloway. He was in his silver mercedes, looking quite handsome.

· Feb 21 - Emily Deschanel and Zach Quinto of Heroes were at Brently Heilbron and Liz Feldman's Awesome War Show at the Comedy Central Stage Wednesday.

· Saw Zachary Quinto more times than I'd like to remember in the Silverlake hood. He seems to really think he's someone really special. He wears a hoodie over his head really low when he goes into Intelligentsia café—you know, incognito, cause he's so famous. Also, last Friday (Feb 15) at Akbar (in hood) he was occupying the service area, so the nice-guy bartender asked him to move. He refused, and actually pulled out the "Do you know who I am?" line.

· Didn't expect a star sighting at The Ivy morning of the Oscars because
I figured nobody in this town would be eating until 9pm that night,
but lo and behold, in walked Nicky Hilton and David Katzenberg, along with Jeff Katzenberg and I'm assuming a whole slew of other Katzenbergs. Things must be getting serious for Nicky if she's allowed to crash fam brunch...

· Feb 25 - I saw Christopher Mintz-Plasse (also known as McLovin of Superbad fame) coming out of a showing of Diary of the Dead at the Universal City Walk AMC Theatre on Saturday the 23rd. He was wearing a cap somewhat low (maybe so he wouldn't be recognized) but he was on his cell phone talking and I definitely recognized his voice

· Driving South on LaBrea approaching 3rd St, right by Trader Joes on Monday afternoon (2/25) when I looked out the window and spotted a unicyclist pedaling furiously on the sidewalk. Just as I was wondering to myself, just why unicyclists do what they do, I realized that this unicyclist was none other than Danny Bonaduce. And, well, since I don't understand anything he does, I just kept driving.

· Thursday night, 2/28, at the Westwood Urban Outfitters. The store had closed five minutes prior when a couple girls and a guy try to make their way in. Of course, they were denied entry by the sales staff but then the man starts pleading, saying she knows what shirt she needs. The cashier relents and that's when a perky blonde runs over to the shirt table. As soon as she opened her mouth, I recognized her as America's favorite LDS nanny from American Idol, Brooke White. I guess they do pick out their own clothes after all. I'll be looking for that white long sleeved shirt this Wednesday.

· Feb 20 - Gosh-a-roony! Just saw Monty Hall and Gary Owens (Millenials, you can Wiki them) waiting for their cars with a couple equally-aged buddies outside Factor's...Seemed pleasant in demeanor...Just four dudes kibbitzing after lunch. I grew up watching Monty and Gary back in the good old three broadcast network days, so me thinks it's always good to see some of the old school still reprezent. Bye.

The Accused: Rian at The Skinny, who must be feeling some post-holiday self-loathing. The Crime: Implying that Laetitia Casta is not thin.
The Evidence: "Some former supermodels stay extremely thin (like Janice Dickinson, for example) and some just kind of let it all go... I think Laetitia kind of stays somewhere in the middle." There is some serious body dysmorphia going on here. Keeping in mind that the camera adds ten pounds, Laetitia Casta appears to be a size two. Since when is that "somewhere in the middle"??? The Sentence: Rian clearly needs some affirmations to recite. And maybe a therapy sesh. Many docs have sliding scale fees, sweetie!

The Accused: The Superficial. The Crime: Calling Pink a man. The Evidence: "Pink and Carey Hart will continue boning random strangers but now without their wedding rings on. While some might say Pink will technically be boned and not do said boning, I stand by my statement. Feel free to do the math and check your work with the Answer Key at the bottom. Answer Key: X = Pink has a penis." Eyeroll. Such a cheap shot, such a 5th grade joke. The Sentence: A swift kick in the nuts. (From Pink.)

The Accused: Drunken Stepfather, whom we know loves us. The Crime: Calling 21-year-old recovering addict Ms. Lindsay Lohan a whore. The Evidence: "I know having a sheet between you and lohan[sic] seems pretty shitty in pictures because it's blocking out her pussy, but if this was real life that sheet is a necessity but preferably in latex because skin to skin contact with this whore has some serious repercussions." Please, dude. Like you wouldn't reach out and touch LL, or any living breathing woman — if you could only get close enough to one. The Sentence: A painful case of the clap, just for fun. Kisses!

The Accused: The unfortunately monikered Yeeeah! The Crime: Mocking Kirstie Alley's weight struggles. The Evidence: "After working for Jenny Craig for the last three years, actress Kirstie Alley is "stepping down" as the spokesperson for the weight loss company. Translation: her fat ass got fired... She's also grateful for KFC's big box variety meal and Sam's Club bucket o' bread pudding. And those Fresh Bath-Bathing Wipes for those days you're too fat to bend over in the shower." Newsflash: Crass≠Funny. The Sentence: Carry around an extra 75 lbs. of bodyweight for 30 days while simultaneously going without hot water for 30 days. Enjoy!

The Accused: Hollywood Tuna. The Crime: Suggesting petite actress Natalie Portman needs breast implants. The Evidence: "Natalie, on the other hand, still has some work to do. Surgical work that is. Yes, she's flat and I know it's not politically correct to talk to about a girl's shortcomings, but if she's not going to make an effort to show off what she does have - that being her ass - then just stay home!" So! Women have two choices: Get elective, dangerous, possibly life threatening surgery or stay home. What a wonderful world. The Sentence: An excruciating dental procedure sans anesthetic, while being forced to watch Natalie's shitty movie Where The Heart Is. Open wide!

Unfortunately, it seems to us that said roller coaster is one that Kirstie hasn't herself been able to get off of. Maybe her safety harness is stuck. An attendant ought to check that out. But, as the saying goes, those who can't do, teach. And who better to learn from than a totally healthy, stable lady like Ms. Alley? 2009 can't come soon enough!

• Kirstie Alley Launching Her Own 'Weight-Loss Brand' [People.com]