This is going to be really upsetting to read, but: Kylie Jenner, the 17-year-old sister of Kim Kardashian, has been banned from a club. Why? Because she was trying to enter said club without legal identification proving that she is 21 years or older. Somebody get this girl a fake ID! Let Kylie party, jesus!!!

A nice lesson for teenage Kardashian daughters Kendall and Kylie Jenner might be that it's fun to explore your passions without consideration for subsequent monetary gain. Perhaps that's the takeaway from the news that the teens' dystopian sci-fi novel, Rebels: City of Indra, sold approximately 0 copies.

In the midst of last night's awesome televised Beyoncé concert—technically known as MTV's Video Music Awards—there was a pause to acknowledge recent events in Ferguson, Mo.

Keeping Up With the Kardashians: Deep Space Nine stars Kendall and Kylie Jenner have been making talk show appearances all week to promote their new dystopian science fiction novel, Rebels: City of Indra. Wait a minute, Kendall "The Worst Reader, You Guys" Jenner wrote a dystopian science fiction novel?

Teens. Always rolling their eyes and making magical pyramids out of fiberglass resin, crystals, and metal shavings in an effort to protect themselves from the negative energies emitted by cell towers. A tale as old as time (itself a construct invented by humans unable to comprehend the concept of eternity).

Children: scaled-down versions of adults with shriller voices and less expensive jewelry. Their bodies are going through a lot of strange changes and they're starting to feel all different types of ways about friends..and enemies. Sometimes the boys trip over their too-big feet and land square in the arms of a girl…

Congratulations 2012 MFA graduates. Kim Kardashian's little sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner (aged 16 & 14 respectively) announced via E! News Thursday they are writing a book for young adults, to be released next summer.

Hark! Ye harbingers of consumer doom, the Kardashians, have released their 2011 Christmas card. Whereas last year's yuletide feat of airbrushed uncanny put viewers in a trance state, this year's card will make you go, "A-woooo-gah!" while pumping 3-D glasses back and forth in the airspace in front of your face. (Like…

Royal horror: Pippa Middle got into an upskirt photo situation at London Fashion Week. Now, the simplest way to avoid an upskirt photograph is to wear longer skirts or pants. (Or live in a world with civility. Hah! Right.) Unfortunately, starlets live in a world where the skirts are short, the cars are fancy and…

Because nobody should be forced to endure an entire 30 minutes of America's most overexposed family every Sunday night, I'll be watching Keeping Up With the Kardashians for you and reporting back with a clip of each episode's most cringeworthy 15 or so seconds.

I've come to believe the Kardashians are but an optical illusion designed to put viewers in a fugue state, wherein brain use stalls and the ability to recognize pores diminishes. Come, let us gurgle at the Kardashians' uncanny Christmas pictures.

Britney and Jamie Lynn give thanks for french fries. "Kim Kardashian is dead," but it's only a publicity stunt. Portia de Rossi walks all over Ricky Martin. Monday gossip is sick of leftover turkey.