• Angelina Jolie has a secret family in Jordan that she has been hiding for six years. The National Enquirer says Angie's been supporting seven orphans (three girls and four boys) at an orphanage in Amman and she considers them family. The kids "live together in one house with a surrogate mother" and Angie visits them sometimes. If this story resembles the truth even slightly, then it's definitely more like "Angelina Jolie donated a bunch of money and these seven kids won't die now, so they like her," but yada yada, let's get to the good stuff: If she has a second family in the Middle East, then surely she is cheating on Brad with... A Jordanian prince? An Arab sheikh? A Yemeni terrorist? [NatlEnq]
• 
  
• Apparently the Queen of England hosts an annual variety show, and this year Lady Gaga was a featured performer. Since it was the queen and all, Gaga chose a demure, floor-length red latex Victorian gown for when they met. Also performing was Bette Midler, who stole Gaga's lines: "I have been singing for queens my entire life. At last I'm singing in front of a real one." [Telegraph]
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• Suri Cruise has truly outdone herself, donning a bubblegum pink eyelet flamenco gown with red-and-white Minnie Mouse high heels and hoop earrings for a day in the park in Spain. [fig. 1] This child is a modern marvel. [Sun]
• 
  
• Did Tiger Woods OD? TMZ claims he was hospitalized the day after Thanksgiving, possibly for taking too much Ambien or Vicodin. Curiously, he was admitted under the alias "Will Smith." [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Tiger (and who isn't): Radar reported yesterday that Elin Nordegren walked out on Tiger. Now NYDN says she bought a mansion in Sweden. America is about to lose a ragingly hot bikini model, and it's all Tiger Woods' fault. [Radar] [NYDN]
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• Jay-Z's 40th birthday party featured "synchronized swimmers, fireworks, and an impromptu performance of 'Empire State of Mind,'" and was in the Dominican Republic, and included a surf-and-turf brunch the next day. This is how the other half lives: Categorically better than we do, even as they enter the middle age. [P6]
• 
  
• Lindsay Lohan is off to India to film a BBC documentary about impoverished children. Let's just hope she doesn't bring back an orphan. [P6]
• 
  
• Carrie Prejean was scheduled for an appearance at Foxwoods—this massive, trashy casino in Connecticut where I once spent 20 grueling minutes throwing away $100—but the time frame was after her curfew, so her mom wrote an emailing rescinding Carrie's presence based on "the hours specified": "Her reputation as a Christian is more important than any public appearance attention or monetary compensation." She added, "If in the future, you have an opportunity for her to speak to young adults, or physically challenged athletes, she would love it." I keep looking at that last part and wondering if it's a joke? [P6]
• 
  
• Dame Helen Mirren says nudity gets easier with age. "As you get older... it's more to do with the role than what men in the audience think. There's a liberation about it." [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

Figure 1.

• Now a porn star might have banged Tiger Woods, too. Holly Sampson (née Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Andrea Zoe) star of such film as OMG Stop Tickling Me and Flying Solo 2 is "not denying that she bedded Tiger." Apparently she was in a Wonder Years episode once, too. [NYDN] [IMDB]
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• In other Woods news, a mystery lady says through her layer that Tiger's marriage to Elin Nordegren was a sham, while an anonymous source tells someone else that Elin loves him more than ever and wants him in sex addict treatment. [TMZ] [ShowBizSpy]
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• Yu Tsai is very talented photographer who makes Lindsay Lohan look young and relatively vibrant in her Muse photo spread depicting a Kate Moss/Johnny Depp-inspired three-way. Some photos were sexy [fig.1] and some where just weird [fig.2] but she looks her age-ish, and pretty. When her nip slips, "it just happened in the moment. She was playing the role of Kate Moss." Please. Like we haven't seen Lindsay's Lohans before. [P6]
• 
  
• Michael Jackson had really creepy art. MJ coffee table book Michael Jackson Opus: The Ultimate Celebration gave the Post a sneak peek at an image of a nude, alabaster-skinned Jacko romping with winged cherubs, one of whom is black. [fig.3] Apparently it was "tongue-in-cheek," which probably refers to the god-like portrayal, but could also refer to the "raping little boys" thing, depending how wicked his sense of humor was. [NYP]
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• Susan Boyle will perform for the Obamas at the White House, at Michelle's 46th birthday, according to British paper The Daily Express, which is not terribly believable, because what "senior White House aide" leaks exclusively to the Express? Also, Michelle is too great a humanitarian to allow the ongoing torment of sad Susan Boyle to occur in her own home. [Express]
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• Lady Gaga has more than 20 wigs, which is actually fewer than I would have guessed. She's only been at this for a year or so, though so there's still time. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Eva Green wishes her lesbian sex scene in Cracks would have been dirtier. "The love scene is soft—I wanted to go even further," she said. In the movie, Eva plays a boarding school headmistress who goes Humbert Humbert on a student. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Oh, gross. (But can we say we're surprised?) "Two stars of the reality TV show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here have been charged with animal cruelty after allegedly killing and cooking a rat to eat." The most interesting part of this article is how the Associated Press characterizes Get Me Out's celebrities as "C-list." Is the assumption that the show bumped them up a notch from D? Is someone keeping track of the C-pluses and B-minuses too? [AP]
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• Tinsley Mortimer's dad, George Mercer, was a drunk mess at the Plaza the other night, when he grabbed the microphone away from a jazz singer and tried to make it a karaoke sing-a-long. The "horrified crowd" included Martha Stewart, Betsy Johnson, Isaac Mizrahi, Courtney Love, and Woody Allen, which is funny, because I always thought if Martha Stewart and Courtney Love were in the same room, the world would combust. [P6]
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Figures 1., 2.

Figure 3.

Everett said:

The fact is that you could not be, and still cannot be, a 25-year-old homosexual trying to make it in the British film business or the American film business or even the Italian film business. It just doesn't work and you're going to hit a brick wall at some point. You're going to manage to make it roll for a certain amount of time, but at the first sign of failure they'll cut you right off.

He then went on to admit that he's "probably happier" than closeted stars. But who cares about happiness when you could have an awesome career, a huge mansion and a million adoring female fans who you will never, ever sleep with? [Deadline]

•Although she certainly sucks, we now know Nancy Grace is not a vampire: The HLN talking hair will be getting her own daytime talk show starting in 2010. It will be called "justice," because that is what Nancy Grace's success proves does not exist in the world. [THR]

•Paul Thomas Anderson ("There Will Be Blood," "Boogie Nights") is directing an upcoming film starring Philip Seymour Hoffman. "The Master" will be a period drama about a charismatic guy (Hoffman) who sets up a new religion in 1952. Intense. [Variety]

•Dang, Adam Lambert's crotch has legs: Nearly two weeks after Lambert face-humped (that's humping someone's face) his way into America's hearts and/or minds, it looks like the FCC has kept him from performing as scheduled on Jimmy Kimmel Live: "It's the FCC heat," Lambert tweeted by way of explanation. [LAT]

•Your 52nd annual Grammy Nominees for Album of the Year: Beyonce, Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and The Dave Matthews Band (!?). [Variety]

•Brian Moylan's "The Hills" and "The City" recaps will return next season! (Also, the MTV reality shows "The Hills" and "The City" have been picked up for another season.) [Variety]

You can not fool us putting it behind your left leg. This is nothing more than a camera trick. We know what you're smuggling!

If this were America's Next Top Model, Tyra would say she's giving us "editorial." We know that she's really giving us Silence of the Lambs, because she has her candy tucked between her thighs. She's about to say, "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."

Now she needs a whole arm to keep the nubbin in place. Either that or it's hiding in the shadows. Damn, we thought she was way more hung than that.

Does that mean we don't get another glimpse at the hermaphrodite lady/man parts? Damn you, Gaga! You foiled us again!

When former MSNBC anchor and media pussyhound Dan "Slim Shady" Abrams opened up shop on both his consulting firm Abrams Research and his blog network (Mediaite and PR Cop), not gonna lie, I didn't think they'd be getting to know Glenn Beck's vagina or Lady Gaga's penis so intimately. I may have finally turned the corner on them!

OR WOULD HAVE had Dan Abrams henchwoman and Mediaite's executive editor Rachel Sklar not tried to ruin my life's work.

What kind of person would do this? A cruel one? Maybe. But the Dan "The Down Donger" Abrams has an entire site devoted to "debunking"—or printing publicist reactions to—celebrity rumors, the majority of which most people don't even give a shit whether or not their true! So this is perfectly in line with their culture of harshing everyone's mellow. And I do mean harshing.

But I have another theory: Rachel, who's basically working nine days a week on Mediaite for Dan, is starting to go insane. The media economy is competitive, goddamnit! But is it too competitive? Observe, her lede:

RA RA RA NA NA NA NA RA NA NA…okay I am maybe a little obsessed with Lady Gaga and her latest single, "Bad Romance," and its crazy, fantastic video filled with crazy, fantastic costumes.

A...little? Sklar's up to 63 screengrabs on this new Lady Gaga video. 63. And you know there's a reason for all of this, don't you? Only an insane person would spend that much time debunking another insane person like me and my insane (BUT TRUE) theory/research on The Facinating Subject that is Lady Gaga's Dick. Her commentary on one of the grabs:

I am amazed that this shot made it past the censors, unusually lingering as it was…it gives you more than enough time to notice the see-through fabric on her black lacy thong…all the way through. Okay, FEK, I think we have pretty conclusive evidence here.

OH, NO YOU DIUNT. SHOTS FIRED, Sklar. And what does she offer up for evidence? This:

But come on. How closely did she look? We used the Gawker PSI (Penis Scene Investigations) Zoom Lens to get a closer look.

You say potato, and I say penis. Unfortunately, I think we may have to close the book on all Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy talk here, before we go too far down the Gaga Hole. This is just going to have to be one of those things like Area 51, where you don't really find out the truth of the matter until the world needs saving, and this is one of those secrets essential to doing so (see: Independence Day, 1996, Dir. Roland Emmerich). Or this is one of those things you don't find out about until the world is actually ending (see: 2012, 2009, Dir. Roland Emmerich). Either way, here's hoping for the safety of the world and the crumbling sanity of Rachel Sklar that Lady Gaga whips out the truth sooner rather than later.

• Carla Bruni has agreed to appear in a Woody Allen film, which will mark the singer and French first lady's first acting role. During an interview on a French TV show she said that she doesn't know what role she'll play, but she said yes anyway. "I'd like to - you know - when I'm a grandmother, to have done a Woody Allen film. I cannot in my life miss an opportunity like this." So, how does she think she'll do in front of the camera? "I'm not at all an actress. Maybe I'll be absolutely terrible," she says. We're no huge fans of Woody Allen, but we think that this idea is the opposite of terrible—unless she ends up playing Woody's love interest. That would the terrible. [UKPA]
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• Nadya Suleman is the tabloid gift that keeps on giving. While promoting "documentary" OctoMom: Me & My Fourteen Kids (I love how calling a reality show a documentary somehow dignifies it?) she explains that she open to having more children ("If I get married one day...") and that, after realizing she was pregnant with octuplets, she refused to selectively reduce the embryos, "Because which one should I have murdered? Noah? Isaiah? You know, Jonah?" Apparently the kids know that not-murder isn't actually that great, because there's a clip of one of the kids nailing her in the face with a screwdriver. Forget Nadya—the documentary I want to see is what happens when these kids grow up and attempt to make their way in the world with the curse of Suleman hanging over their heads. They should really consider changing their names. [HuffPo]
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• What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve? Well a bunch of singers are making significant bank. Rihanna is raking in $500K for a performance in Abu Dhabi. The gig is a make good for a May concert date that she had to cancel thanks to Chris Brown's fists. Alicia Keys is only have the woman Rihanna is, or at least her salary is. She will only make $250K for a concert here in New York. Also in town will be Green Day performing live on NBC. Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden will be hosting a party in Vegas, and so will Christina Aguilera. It's good to know where all the losers will be on December 31. If you want to find they gays, they'll be in Miami, where Lady Gaga is rumored to ring in the new year in some ridiculous get up. [P6]
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• Now that Rosie O'Donnell's breakup from her partner is public, she says that she is not enjoying the single life. No wonder, because her escort to her annual charity gala Rosie's Broadway Extravaganza was her 15-year son, Parker. It's like the opposite of taking your mom to the prom. [People]
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• One little comment comparing your boss to Hitler, and your invite to the company Christmas party gets lost in the mail! Megan Fox was conspicuously absent at Michael Bay's Transformers reunion. On a related note, I still think she should've gone with the Hitler SNL monologue. (Hitler, outraged: Why did you compare me to Michael Bay?) Not like she's going to win these guys back, anyway. [P6]
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• Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are moving out of their Hollywood home because they neighbors complained about their partying ways. Where are they going? No one knows. Please say it's New York. Pretty please! [TMZ]
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• Everyone hates Usher's new girlfriend. His mom and his record label both want her gone. As for the rest of us, we could care less what Usher does and with whom. [Gatecrasher]
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• Courtney Love went to Scores and didn't even take a spin on the stripper pole. You can never go home again. [P6]
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• Zac Efron is so cute. Even though he's a star, he still gets impressed by celebs like Zac Posen and Amber Rose. And they're not even famous. He would probably wet himself if Tom Cruise walked into the room. He also said he loved kissing Claire Danes for his new movie because she's "a very pretty lady." So are you, Zac. So are you. [Gatecrasher]
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• Looks like the Pussycat Dolls are done for good. Thank Christ! [P6]
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• There's no new column from gossip dowager Cindy Adams. Is she dead? Someone better stop by her apartment and check on her.

[Gawker night editor Azaria Jagger wrote the funnier parts of this round up]

• Tinsley Mortimer's reality show Empire State gets more and more interesting. Now they've signed on phone-hacking flack Ali Wise as one of the "co-stars." They filmed her at a party at the Alice Olivia pop up store this weekend—a party also attended by reality whole and fictional reporter Betsey Morgenstern's boyfriend Freddie Fackelmayer—and a camera crew was spotted with her on October 19 when she was arraigned for breaking into romantic rival Nina Freudenberger's voicemail with something called a spoof card. Well, we will certainly be spoofing this show, and we hope that the CW will make a huge star out of Ali. It's the wise thing to do. And the puns just won't stop coming. We love this chick! Producers are a little worried what's going to happen to her after her next court date January 14. We suggest the sexiest version of Scared Straight ever. [Gatecrasher]
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson isn't exactly a slut, but she sure has been dating a lot. She was out on a date with fellow Brown student Rafael Cebrian at the Rangers game on Saturday with Yves Saint Laurent creative director Stefano Pilati as her gay chaperon. So, what did she do with ex-boyfriend, financier Jay Barrymore? Maybe she just cast a spell of invisibility on him. [P6]
• Lady Gaga's penis bought pizza for all the gays her fans who waited overnight to get her autograph in L.A. That's sweet, but doesn't she know her fans the gays still aren't eating carbs. [People]
• Hey everyone, Rosie Perez got a job! Congrats! She's costarring with Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell in some movie called The Other Guys, and they were filming during the real Knicks game on Saturday night. Brooke Shields also made an appearance. They also got Tracy Morgan for free, since he had courtside seats near where they were filming. [Gatecrasher]
• Even though her haircut says she is, model Agyness Deyn is not a lesbian. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez says she meant to fall on her ass during her performance of the loathesome single "Louboutins" at the American Music Awards. She also said that Gigli is supposed to be unfunny. No guile in that girl. [NYDN]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams let us know that the the Sex and the City sequel (also known as Carrie Bradshaw and the Temple of Doom) is filming in Morocco and all the ladies are staying in different hotels. She also tells us about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade back when they didn't have balloons so they just tied ropes to Pterodactyls and it was a great day in New Amersterdam. [Cindy Adams]

J. Peter Hogan (what is up with Republicans and that first initial?) is a crazy right-wing dude who loves Politico.com and Newsbusters.com. He has too much time on his hands and a strange preoccupation with socialites and other young, attractive famous women, namely Lydia Hearst, her sister Gillian, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and others. He regularly tweets them all random things that make little to no sense. This morning he sent the mini missive, "Pictionary poetry: A socialite looked up "socialism" & didn't like what she found yet stays a prominent person in fashionable society." Huh? That doesn't even make any sense.

Later he followed up with, "@Lhearst @parishilton my dctnry - socialite: a person who is prominent in fashionable society. @danaperino @ladygaga @katyperry." Is that supposed to be a dig or something?

Well, Lydia took the bait and replied. "Some people take things too literally and do not understand how words and definitions can change - they should watch S.Park F Word Episode," she tweets, adding in a second message that her comment was directed towards Hogan. Please, the only two stations this guy knows how to find on his dial are Fox News and QVC, he wouldn't be able to find South Park on Comedy Central with both hands and a flashlight.

Lydia, do not talk to the crazies! They're always going to be there, saying stupid things that don't make any sense, and if you talk back to them, you're going to give them power. And with some power, then they'll keep saying more things and crazier things and they might even do something drastic like show up at the red carpet and heckle you for being a communist because the carpet is red. Twitter is for telling us which parties you're going to, who you're hanging out with, and maybe even sending pictures of the outfits you're wearing. You just keep having a good time and being fabulous and let the professionals worry about shaming the crazy people, OK?

[Image via Getty]

The only thing more sickening than Gossip Girl (the narrator, not the show) and her repeated James Frey references was the writers ruining some good story lines with bad choices. We actually liked Olivia, and now she's getting the boot so that Dan can get it on with Vanessa, Our Lady of the Dreads. And just when slutty Serena was about to bag major hottie Trip, it looks like nelly Nate is going to be the one to win the hooker's heart of gold. Disgusting. After this boring episode, nearly everyone is on the decline!

Dorota:
Power Play: Helps herself to Olivia's outlets to plug in Blair's towel warmer: +2
Total: +2
Season to Date: 44
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Fashion Points: Just because you wear a beret does not mean you're arty: -2
Personality Flaw: Her sexual tension radar is tuned to perfection: +1
Power Play: Wouldn't be threatened by Willow Weinstein: +1, Knows something is up between Vanessa and Olivia: +1, Gets cast as the evil, aging queen: -3, Cause it's kinda perfect: +1, Can call in favors to Lady Gaga. No wonder the art fags love her: +5
Quip: "I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys": +1
Social Schemes: Finally assuming her rightful place as queen of the Tisch art fags: +1, Uses a movie star to advance her agenda: +2, Uses the threeway to exploit Olivia and Vanessa: +2, Her machinations get Dan into his playwriting program: +1
Total: 11
Season to Date: 27
Power Position: Up

Chuck:
Money: Has to do all sorts of menial things to impress wealthy hotel guests: -1
Personality Flaw: See's a little bit of himself in Jenny, and she's not that amazing, or bisexual: -2
Social Schemes: Saves Jenny from doing drugs: -1 (we wanna see druggie Jenny so bad!)
WTF: Has to go to the Statue of Liberty like some fat Midwestern tourist: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: A simple rule of thumb: if your earrings are bigger than your hand and uglier than sin, maybe you shouldn't wear them: -2
Power Play: Knows Bitches of Eastwick is a bad idea: +2, Her and Vanessa are living in one seriously awkward dorm room: -1, Takes the stupid witch movie anyway: -3
Sexual Intrigue: Gets her man into the cabaret: +2, Embarrasses Dan in public by telling him that he's in love with Vanessa: +2, Dan chooses her over Vanessa: +1, She doesn't want anyone who has been tainted by Vanessa's evil talons: +1
Social Schemes: Teams up with Blair: +1, Fighting over Dan. Come on, she could have anyone: -1, Uses the play to see if Dan and Vanessa are in love. This girl has read Hamlet: +2
WTF: Don't leave the show! We were just starting to like you, Lizzy McGuire: -2 (one point for each of the tears we shed)
Total: 2
Season to Date: 0
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Fashion Points: Chainlink fence necklace: -1, Her dress looked appropriate for work on top, but later we see that the skirt is up to her cooch and she's wearing brown printed hooker stockings: -3, Resists urge to wear a blue dress when playing the part of the easy political intern: +1
Personality Flaw: Doesn't know the different between love and lust: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Is distracting a U.S. Rep with her ample bosom: +1, Self aware enough to know that if she is in the same room as Trip, she'll end up fucking him: +2, Tries real, real hard not to be slutty: +1, Since Trip wants to break up with his wife, her boobs are basically a boobie prize: -2, Was just waiting for the first excuse to stop being virtuous and start getting dirty: -3, Is single-handedly destroying the career of an elected official: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -2
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Boring: Doesn't want Dan to have a threeway, doesn't want Serena to slut it up, doesn't want to go see Gaga. Lame: -1
Family Secrets: His mother knows more about what is going on than he does: -2
Fashion Points: Manbangs are back: +1
Personality Flaw: He is like the Anne Landers of Gossip Girl, since when did everyone start coming to him for advice?: +2
Power Play: Serena goes to him for help: +1, Tries to persuade Serena not to fuck Trip: +2, Doesn't realize that trying to make Serena not slutty is a losing gambit: -3, What kind of gay misses a free Lady Gaga concert?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Thinks it's nasty to have a threeway with Vanessa. Finally, someone says it: +3, Has prior sexual knowledge of Vanessa: -1, He just came out of the closet and told Serena he has a thing for "married men." Mazel!: +3, Goes back in the closet when Serena gives him a whiff of her magically potent pheromones: -1
Total: 2
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Personality Flaw: Hasn't outgrown Morrissey: -2, Is the only person who doesn't know the threeway rules: -3, No one wants to ride on his disco stick: -1, Trades Morrissey for Gaga. That is sort of like trading in being a sad bastard for being a screaming queen: 0 (just an observation)
Power Play: Blabs about threeway the first chance he gets. Bad form, dude: -2, Casts Blair as an old queen: +2, His skit is a major rip off of the Saved by the Bell "Snow White and the Seven Dorks": -3, Knows that everyone at NYU is too young and oblivious to realize it: +4
Sexual Intrigue: Threeway confidence: +3, Has two girls fighting over his man guns: +1, His celebrity girlfriend is getting him places: +2, His celeb girlfriend leaves him for a crappy witch movie: -2, Wants to get together with Vanessa: -2, And she's interested in another guy. Burn!: -3
Social Schemes: Needs Vanessa to direct his play: -1
Total: -7
Season to Date: -9
Power Position: Down

Rufus:
WTF: Doesn't know what gonorrhea of the throat is. No wonder he gave it to both Courtney Love and Justine Frischmann of Elastica when on tour with Lollapalooza '96: -3
Total: -3
Season to Date: -11
Power Position: Down

Jenny:
Bonus: She is well on her way to being a drug addict. Jenny all strung out on pills is going to be even cooler than that time when she was living under a bridge with her sewing machine: +10
Personality Flaw: Obsessed with waffles. Leggo my Eggo, Little J: -1
Power Play: Embarrassed in front of the Chapin girls: -1, Uncomfortable being the accessory to a drug deal: +1
Sexual Intrigue: No one wants to date her: -1, Scores a hot ambassador's son: +3, He's shorter than her: -1, Her man is a drug dealer: -1, No, we change our mind, having a drug dealer boyfriend is kinda rad when you're in high school: +3
Social Schemes: Chuck takes control of her life: -2, You could be in worse hands the Chuck's: +1
Total: 11
Season to Date: -20
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: We can't remember what she wore last night, but we're sure it was ugly: -1
Personality Flaw: Is no Julie Taymour: -2
Power Play: Things are awkward with Dan: -1, Lives in one awkward dorm room with Olivia: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Went from third wheel to number-one girl: +3, Olivia steals Dan away from their Morrissey date: -2, Fighting over Dan, of all people: -2, Gets to kiss Dan: +1, Dan chooses her: +3, She disses him for some nameless guy. Burn!: +3
Social Schemes: Does a swell job stepping into the play after Olivia runs off: +1, Is the bigger person and tries to get along with Olivia and Dan: +1
Total: 3
Season to Date: -25
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Personality Flaw: Can't seem to remember for two weeks in a row that she has a silent gay son: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Is pimping out her stepdaughter. Creepy: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -35
Power Position: Down

• Lady Gaga and Beyonce made a music video! It's for Beyonce song Video Phone. It alludes to Reservoir Dogs, Beyonce wears a Zorro mask and carries an assault rifle, and Gaga wanders around looking totally normal. All in all: Headtrip. Also, between this and her own video, Gaga's been showing a lot of her very, um, vampy face lately. Is it part of her campaign to convince us that she is a tranny? [fig.1, below] [MTV]
  
• 
  
• Nicole Kidman had an awesome time with her baby weight because it gave her boobs: "They're not very big, my boobs, so they just became normal size. I loved it! I felt very Woman," she told Ladies' Home Journal. But here's the thing: ShowBizSpy quotes Nicole's quote in LHJ, but when I went to LJH's website, I couldn't find the passage! It is possible that boring Nicole's boring yammering about Keith Urban caused my eyes to glaze over, rendering me temporarily illiterate during my attempt to read the profile? Does the pregnant-boob quote really exist? Inquiring minds want to know. [ShowBizSpy] [LHJ]
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• Levi Johnston dressed up as the Unabomber after his tragically not-penis-showing Playgirl shoot yesterday, but he messed up the disguise by choosing a hooded sweatshirt that said ALASKA on it. [fig.2] There are only two Alaskans in all of New York this week, and one of them is Sarah Palin, and to be her you'd have to have tits, so we know it's you, Levi, you cannot hide. UPDATE: I am informed that Levi's shirt in fact reads ALASKAN BREWING COMPANY, the beer of choice for rugged Alaskan frontiersmen. [TMZ]
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• Brangelina are designing snake-inspired jewelry for charity. The line—entitled The Protector—features silver baby spoons, an eggcup, a tooth box (eery?), and diamond-encrusted pendants and rings, all themed with coiled snakes. The proceeds will go to child education in wartorn regions, where snakes sometimes reside, but sterling silver eggcups rarely do. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Adam Lambert wants more tattoos, but he doesn't have any ideas what to ink on his body next. It's the perennial conundrum of ostentatiously "unique" vapid people: an insatiable desire to express oneself, but no dust bunnies worth expressing in one's empty little head. [ShowBizSpy]
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• This is horrifying: Tila Tequila (93 lbs, 4'11") has submitted photographs of her black-and-blue bruised arms as evidence in her lawsuit against ex-boyfriend and NFL star Shawne Merriman (280 lbs, 6'4"). Naturally, TMZ has compiled them into a gallery, along with pictures depicting the enormous size difference between these two humans. The San Diego County D.A. never filed criminal charges against Merriman, which makes the whole case even weirder. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Spencer Pratt went on a Twitter rampage yesterday after his and wife Heidi Montag's interview with Al Roker was cut from The Today Show "due to a change in the show's schedule," according to a spokesman. Roker and Speidi sparred months ago when Al called Spencer a "jerk" on the air and Heidi almost cried. Among Spencer's myriad raging tweets: "WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?" and "is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!" I really hope whoever cut Speidi did it for the express purpose of pissing Spencer off, because the effect was pretty glorious. [NYDN] l
• 
  
• Aaron Carter owes more than one million dollars in back taxes, which is apparently why he cried so hard when he got kicked off Dancing with the Stars. How can he possibly owe this much money? There is no way he's even earned that much money in his life, is there? [TMZ]
• 
  
• Janet Jackson blames Dr. Conrad Murray for her brother's death, because he "was the one administering" the fatal propofol. She also says she found out about Michael's death after her assistant saw it on CNN and called her, which is testament either to the brutal speed of 24-hour media or the callousness of Jacko's inner circle for not calling his family members sooner. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Signs of the apocalypse: Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) says Carrie Prejean should run for political office, because she "has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors." [TMZ]
• 
  

  Figure 1
  

  Figure 2
  

Fade in. Ms. Gaga, ever the generous host, is just chilling with her minions, listening to music.

She is wearing her razor-blade sunglasses, because a girl can never be too careful. The world assaults us with images! We must fight back! (Or, as she told MTV News: "I wanted to design a pair for some of the toughest chicks and some of my girlfriends - don't do this at home! - they used to keep razor blades in the side of their mouths… That tough female spirit is something that I want to project. It's meant to be, 'This is my shield, this is my weapon, this is my inner sense of fame, this is my monster.") I certainly hope you're taking notes.

FYI: Motherboard, barbed wire or fine screen door mesh manicures are the new hot shit. Adjust accordingly.

Suddenly, there's a flash of light.

A room! With Ukranian vodka! This must be a dream. Or a nightmare?

Coffin-like pods line the floor. Note the one which reads "Monster," as therein lies our heroine.

By the way: Since The Lady refers to her creative team as the Haus of Gaga, this scenario, naturally, takes place in the Bath Haus of Gaga.

The Lady emerges, wrapped up for freshness.

It's important to loosen up the joints and muscles after being transported — nay, kidnapped — into a questionable dimension. Working out with friends keeps you motivated.

Speeding through a hole in the time/space continuum often leaves a layer of grime. Bathing is a must.

Here, her eyes are wide with knowledge, not fear: She is a captive!

Product placement! Did you know that Dr. Dre, who has his own Beats By Dre headphones, worked with The Lady to make Heartbeats by Lady Gaga?

Back to the story: Gaga is ripped from the bath by her captors.

She is really just an innocent young thing, what could they possibly want with her?

Well, first they'd like to strip her of her latex garments…

…Then they'd like to force imported vodka down her throat. The usual Tuesday night stuff.

Fueled by liquor, Gaga is trussed up in a sparkly ensemble, robbed of her Burberry overcoat and forced to dance.

So many male bidders, so little time!

The Man With The Gold Chin Strap takes an interest in Ms. Gaga. Gold+Man= Goldman? As in Goldman Sachs? Is Gaga part of the bailout package?

Her brain aches; she must make a choice. She can flee. Sure. But she can also stay and dance her ass off, use this man the way he wants to use her. She could really, really use the money, you see…

…She's got a little problem with her spine. And Oxford won't cover the surgery.

So she dances. She seduces him because she has to. And because she can.

According to The Woman's Dictionary Of Symbols & Sacred Objects, the bond between cats and women has always been strong. There was a time that the patriarchy, suspicious of this connection, would accuse any woman seen talking to or petting a cat of witchcraft. Cats were sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, and festivals for the the cat goddess Bast were huge. The Norse goddess Freya rode in a chariot drawn by cats, and felines were generally thought to be magic. So save your shaved pussy jokes until the end.

Oooh, looky! Our favorite ankle-snapping Alexander McQueen shoes from his Spring 2010 show in paris. You know, the Futuristic Interplanetary Mutant Alien Queen one. Not Derelicte In Wonderland… that's so Fall 2009.

If you saw the McQueen ensembles and thought to yourself, "Who wears that? Now you know.

Anyway: Gaga drags herself and her bear carcass peignoir to do what she knows she must do.

Mr. Goldman awaits, hand creeping toward his stimulus package.

He'd like to see what he's purchased.

She's happy to oblige.

But! Little does he know — she has power, strength, and can, like a young Drew Barrymore, start fires with her mind.

(See, she has already informed the others that there will be a revolt! That's where the red and the leather come in: Viva La Revolucion!)

Yes, the bed is aflame. Fire can be symbolic of passion, but in this case, she is using it as a weapon, to destroy her enemy.

In the end, her sparkbra is saved, but Mr. Goldman? He is merely a charred skeleton.

The moral: Buy flame-retardant lingerie.

Here's the video clip, sans commentary. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga Says 'Bad Romance' Video Is About 'Tough Female Spirit' [MTV News]
Bad Romance Exclusive Premiere [Facebook]
Lady Gaga Bad Romance [YouTube]

Earlier: Questions About The High Fashion & Domestic Violence In Lady GaGa's Video
An Analysis Of The Underlying Themes In Britney's New Candie's Commerical

The interesting thing about this is that Saturday Night Live by no means has to edit the episode to contain the rehearsal footage skit; they could've just run the same episode and be fine. You have to wonder where along the chain of command someone said "run the funnier version." But why couldn't they have just performed it the first time?

Eh. SNL disappointment shouldn't come as a surprise to many, but the fact that they hold back on the good stuff is just depressing. Then again, it's nice to know they're making an effort to put it out there. Here's hoping they can add some pizazz to a fairly blase November schedule.

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

• The Todd English/Erica Wang PR food fight continues. In this round, jilted bride Wang's people are saying that celebrity chef English backed out of the wedding because his restaurants are in danger. English's people stick with the party line of "that Erica bitch is crazy, yo." Oh, also they added that Wang called English's kids "spoiled little pigs." This just gets classier and classier. [P6]
• All the tabloids and paparazzi disagree as to what exactly happened in Brad Pitt's motorcycle accident. Reports range from he knicked a paparazzi's car to a pap rear ended him, he fell off his bike, got up, cussed the guy out, flew to the moon, picked up the flag that we planted there, flew back, and stabbed the guy through the heart with it. Who knows which story to believe. [E! Online]
• Lindsay Lohan isn't drinking booze when she goes out now, but she may be addicted to shopping. To that news we give a resounding, "Duh!" [Gatecrasher]
• Someone finally learned about this whole Levi Johnston posing naked thing. They even got a quote that his manager thinks he's "90% sure" he'll go full frontal. Hmm. Wonder where they got that. [P6]
• Jon Gosselin has returned Kate's money. Like the rest of America, his lawyer is sick of him and fired Jon as a client. Hard times, brother. [People]
• Jude Law's babymomma Samantha Burke sold pictures of their newborn baby to Hello! for $300,000. Not too shabby. [Gatecrasher]
• In a desperate bid to be Oprah, Madonna is building a girls' school in Africa. She is visiting now and took her kids. So, while girls in Malawi need school, her own kids apparently do not. [UK Mirror]
• Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. Even the show queens who hate Phantom think that's sad. [NY Post]
• Let the scandal over 9-year-old Noah Cyrus (Miley's sister) and her inappropriate Halloween costume begin. [UK Mirror]
• Guess what Lady Gaga wears when she appears on Gossip Girl? It's something crazy! And we thought she'd rock the Blair Waldorf headband look. [People]

Do you still need proof of how many other Balloon Boys you'll run into if you go through with your oh-so-original-and-topical costume idea? There's a company that want to rush you a Balloon Boy costume. If you want to be one of the legions wearing this thing — and can't find any mylar and hangers laying around — it will only cost you $20 and your dignity.

And since we've had some time to think about it (and some great suggestions from the commenters) we came up with some more outfits that you shouldn't bother getting together unless you want to be dressed like everyone else.

Lady Gaga
Why Not: We love her dedication to her look, but no one can do Gaga like Gaga. Plus, half of gay New York has already bought all the cheap wrap-around sunglasses to encrust with rhinestones, so it's going to be hard to pull off. And Gaga never looks the same twice, so there isn't one iconic look. No, you do not get bonus points for attaching a dildo to your costume and going as Lady Gaga's penis.
Safe Alternative: Madonna
What You Need to Make It: Madge from any era is a timeless costume. It will work every year. The easiest look to pull off would be from the red-haired, purple-leotarded Confessions on a Dance Floor era, but it will be a little dated. Just give a friend a unibrow and some '80s togs and you have your own Lourdes Leon accessory!

The Gosselins
Why Not: Kate Gosselin wigs are already sold out, and going as dumpy Jon in Ed Hardy with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth isn't very inventive either. People will just mistake you for a frat boy who didn't bother dressing up for Halloween. Also: since these two entered the public consciousness as a joke, making fun of them isn't subversive. It's hive-inducing.
Safe Alternative: Grown-up, fucked-up Gosselin kid
What You Need to Make It: There are so many ways you can take this. Maybe dress up as an attention-craving porn star Hannah. Maybe a washed-up junkie Joel. Psycho, straight jacket twins Mady and Cara? Yes and yes. Let your imagination run as wild as these kids will be living in about 10 years.

Any Real Housewife
Why Not: There are plenty to choose from, but there will be packs of girls and gays who are going to get together and do this as a group. We even heard of an entire party themed around the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Besides, on Halloween some fake tits, tight dress, blond wig, and a bad attitude won't make you stand out.
Safe Alternative: Kim Zolciak's wig
What You Need to Make It: Take a whole lot of cheap blond weave hair, and just glue it to some clothing. Be sure to buy a cheap wig to wear on your own head, and some red lipstick. But be careful, I like this idea so much, I might steal it for myself.

Bash Back, a collective of grassroots militant activist chapters across the country, announced on their website that they defaced the headquarters of gay civil rights group the Human Rights Campaign Headquarters in D.C. this weekend before Sunday afternoon's National Equality March. It's gay-on-gay crime!

HRC headquarters was rocked by an act of glamdalism last night by a crew of radical queer and allied folks armed with pink and black paint and glitter grenades. Beside the front entrance and the inscribed mission statement now reads a tag, "Quit leaving queers behind."

Not that we're promoting something like vandalism (and the damage they did isn't nearly as savage as the verbal attacks on their website), but glamdalism really needs to catch on. If we're going to be protesting things by defacing them, the least we can do is make them pretty and glittery! This picture of the damage on Leslie Ewing's blog about the march. In the future, we're thinking about maybe a forest full of sparkly garden gnomes on Fred Phelps' lawn.

HRC has long been a target of more radical gay factions for what they see as HRC pushing assimilationist attitudes, kowtowing to elected officials, and preserving the status quo. More from Bash Back's statement:

Just like society today, the HRC is run by a few wealthy elites who are in bed with corporate sponsors who proliferate militarism, heteronormativity, and capitalist exploitation. The sweatshops (Nike), war crimes (Lockheed Martin), assaults on working class people (Bank of America, Deloitte, Chase Bank, Citi Group, Wachovia Bank) and patriarchy (American Apparel) caused by their sponsors is a hypocrisy for an organization with "human rights" in their name.

Of course, not everyone is as excited about glamdalism as we are, especially during a news cycle when Barack Obama and Lady Gaga's penis are putting a big spotlight on the gay civil rights movement. Glamdalism as a concept is totally rad (as well as radical) but next time, why don't we turn it on a target that is really oppressing us, rather than a group that tries to help. In the early '90s, ACT UP! covered Jesse Helm's house with a condom. That's what we talking about! And don't go doing anything illegal, kids. Prison is never pretty, no matter how much pink paint and glitter grenades you have.

Lady Gaga's been towing a line long pulled in pop music by everyone from Boy George to Dr. Frankenfurter to David Bowie to Madonna to Hedwig to Marilyn Manson: it doesn't matter what you have under there, we're all people (or spiders from Mars). Two great parts: when they place a riser behind the podium for her to stand on and speak, and when she woos the audience with a Judy Garland joke. Reminder: Obama makes Gaga joke, Gaga makes Garland joke. America, the beautiful.