• The cougar to end all cougars is on the prowl again as Kim Cattrall is single after dumping her boyfriend of five years. She is a man-eater and we are oh so willing to be devoured! [EOnline]
  
  
• Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith want everyone to know that they do lots of boning. They get it on all over the place. They will bone in your bed if you don't keep an eye on them. So, just so you know, they are married and neither of them is gay and they nail each other all the time. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chace Crawford is finally moving out of Ed Westwick's pad and getting a place of his own down in the financial district. [Daily News]
  
  
• Megan Fox is looking for a new pad in the Los Angeles area in the 2 to 3 million dollar range. For now she continues to shack up with David Silver. [Daily News]
  
  
• The LAPD is investigating the death of Michael Jackson as a homicide and they are focusing their investigation on Dr. Ronald Murray. [TMZ]
  
  
• Guy Ritchie came back into the picture and Madonna kicked Latin boy toy Jesus Luz to the curb. Maybe he and Carlos Leon can get coffee together and talk sometime. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lance Bass, who went to space camp as a kid and attempted to become a Russian astronaut or something a few years back, is holding fast to his dream of traveling into outer space. [Daily News]
  
  
• Is Penelope Cruz pregnant with Javier Bardem's baby? Page Six seems to think so, all because of what they see as a bit of an obvious "baby bump." [Page Six]
  
  
• After spending much of the past decade living the crackhead lifestyle, Whitney Houston has cleaned up remarkably well. [Daily Mail]

• Page Six reports that Chace Crawford was running around in the Hamptons last weekend with Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Esti Ginzburg, who just couldn't stop sending him text messages all over the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• International fame seems to be getting to Susan Boyle, who went bonkers on two strangers in the lobby of a London hotel. Cops intervened, and a hysterically crying Boyle went off on them as well. [Sun]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin's brother and sister-in-law, seeking to be the "voice of our nieces and nephews," claim that she and Jon are exploiting their children for money, fame and ratings. Well DUH! [New York Post]
  
  
• Rihanna will steam up the screen in a new Kanye West video, wearing nothing but sexy lingerie that barely covers up her ample lady parts. Chris Brown will not be pleased. [Sun]
  
  
• Speaking of Chris Brown, he posted a video to YouTube saying "I ain't a monster" and that everyone is just telling lies and all those bruises on Rihanna's face were just the result of her slipping in the shower or something. [Daily News]
  
  
• Anna Wintour knows that Conde Nast is going to crap so she's been stepping out all over the place in the secret hope that Barack Obama will name her ambassador to Britain. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson is set to star in a new reality series where she travels the world in search of the real meaning of beauty. No, we're totally serious about this. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Here's one we didn't see coming...Eliza Dushku is apparently dating Rick Fox, Vanessa Williams' ex-husband. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar says that there will be a Saved By The Bell reunion on Jimmy Fallon's show in June. [Starpulse]
  
  
• Lance Bass spent Memorial Day weekend partying down at The Chelsea Hotel in Atlantic City. On a related note, we are so saddened that there's even a Chelsea Hotel in Atlantic City. [Guest of Guest]

To pad out this foregone conclusion, first casualty Jeff Ross was invited back to roast the contestants, presenting the perfect opportunity to get in a few gay-themed jabs at Lance Bass. Because the gayest thing to come out of DWTS has to be Lance Bass—not the fuchsia breakaway sleeves, the Dr. Drew-elicited waterworks, or the soiled dance belt Ross had to peel out from between his ass cheeks following his humiliating first-week defeat. [Dancing with the Stars]

Life & Style
"Twilight Romance!" Lots of stuff about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart might OMG be having a secret relationship, because they had good chemistry on set and he tried to slip her the tongue in a kissing scene. But! She's had a boyfriend for 2 years, and this is fabricated story. Moving on: Pete Wentz texted a few friends on November 14th to say that Ashlee was in labor, but texted again the next day to say it was a false alarm. The baby's not ready yet! Holly Madison says that leaving Hugh Hefner has changed her look! She is wearing less makeup now that she is with Criss Angel. Who wears eyeliner, right? Whoa: Is this a picture of Barack Obama biting Michelle's ear (Fig. 1)??? Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, the good doctor believes that Heidi Klum, who is a flawless fucking supermodel, would be even sexier if only she had Michelle Williams's lips (Fig. 2) WTF.
Grade: D- (2 hour delay)

In Touch
"Jen, I'm Sorry." Sigh. Brad Pitt still feels bad about leaving Jen for Angelina. Jen is not mad at Brad, she just hates Angelina, "pure and simple." Not because Angie stole Brad, but because she won't shut up about it. A source close to Aniston says, "Just when she is in a good place, it seems as if Angelina has to throw some poison her way." The magazine also walks you through Jen's "Seven Stages Of Grief" over relationship in a helpful sidebar, as well as asking a "body language expert" to analyze her facial expressions from her appearance on Oprah (Fig. 3). Moving on: Valerie Bertinelli lost weight through grilled chicken and exercise, what a breakthrough. Kirstie Alley's gained all her weight back and "Oprah Want To Lose Weight For Obama." And Fergie gained weight for a film and she's up to a whopping 121 pounds, but she plans to lose the 13 lbs. she packed on. There's a story called "The Stress Is Getting To Madonna" with pictures of her arms and a line which reads, "The singer appears to be wasting away. Is she okay?" Next, Nicole Richie is planning her clothing line — her jewelry line, House of Harlow, is already in stores. There's an informative piece called "Drugs Ruin Your Looks," illustrated with two pictures of Amy Winehouse. Oh, and a whole bunch of druggy blind items (Fig. 4)! Since she was "dressed conservatively" on a beach in Mexico, and had her hand on her tummy a lot, and a source says so, Mariah Carey is two months pregnant. Oh, Ellen DeGeneres is hosting a show in Vegas called Ellen's Even Bigger Really Big Show: "I may be topless, which is potentially kind of exciting," she jokes. Lastly, an "At Home With Lance Bass" feature reveals that he has a purple satin bedspread and 'NSync bobbleheads (Fig. 5).
Grade: D (1 hour delay)

Us
"How Angelina Tortures Jen." Eight text-heavy detailed pages about the Aniston vs. Angelina feud. The magazine delves into the original betrayal, and uses metaphors like, "Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage" and "Jolie twists her dangerous knife." In insider says Anison is "as adept as Madonna at pushing the right buttons to stay in the spotlight." Plus, when Angelina was on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, instead of wearing the flesh-colored underwear provided, she was naked in bed with Brad Pitt. Intern Margaret's fave part is when a source says: "Whenever the topic of Valley girls comes up in conversation, Angelina likes to tease Brad by saying, 'Brad, you used to like Valley girls, didn't you?'" Next: A photograph of Sarah Palin reclining by the pool at the Republican Governors Association Conference in Miami last week (Fig 6). Oh, and there are pictures of what Michelle Obama could wear to the inauguration (Fig. 7). Hmm, where have we seen that before? Lastly: There's an exclusive interview with Brandy, who, when she got knocked up in 2002, claimed she had secretly wed the baby's father the year before, which was a total lie.
Grade: C (half hour delay)

Star
"Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen!" Jen told a friend, "I look forward to the day when I can get Angelina in a room and warn her that Brad is going to leave her, just the way he dumped me." Jen also reveals the reason she wouldn't have Brad's baby: He was cheating on her. The mag goes back to a 2003 Vanity Fair party, where Brad disappeared with a "very sexy party planner" and Courteney Cox had to send David Arquette to go find him. Also, when Jen and Brad were together, he liked to wake and bake — smoking pot all the time. Plus, he was "constantly" getting chemical peels and collagen injections. Wowza. Moving on: Guy Ritchie and Rachel McAdams have been flirting on the set of Sherlock Holmes. Crazytown! Four months after breaking up with Michael Bublé, Emily Blunt is dating John Krasinski! Tina Fey turned down an interview with 60 Minutes because she doesn't want to talk about politics anymore. But! She's still one of Barbara Walters's "10 Most Fascinating People." Dr. Phil can't stand curly hair, and makes the female staff come in with straightened hair. New hires are warned they'll have to flat-iron! Blind item! "Who is taking months to plan her wedding because she doesn't want to pay for it? The glamourous girl is calling in favors and trying to get freebies for her long-overdue big day." Mischa Barton is trying to find her way back into the spotlight with a line of high-end headbands. But! She is furious at Nicole Richie for including hair jewelry in her House of Harlow line. Rihanna and Chris Brown went to a lingerie store and Chris bought her $800 worth of unmentionables. Plus, they've coordinated their concert schedules and call each other "beauty" and "rebel." Which is which? L.A. photo agency X17 claims one of their photographers saw Britney's dad, a recovering alcoholic, down more than 6 large draft beers while sitting alone at a bar. His camp claims he was drinking O'Douls. Also: Jessica Simpson might be pregnant. A story called "The Hills: Running Out Of Lies" claims that MTV is "struggling" to come up with fake Hills storylines. LC and Heidi called a truce, and the producers are upset they missed it — they might recreate it. LC's hometown friend Jill Levin is always around, but the producers won't film her because they don't think she is thin or cute enough. And how will producers portray Audrina's new multi-million dollar mansion on the show without admitting that the way she bought it was with money from The Hills?
Grade: C+ (15 minute delay)

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Fig. 7

At the rally, we spotted Wanda Sykes (!), gaylebrities like Noah's Arc star Darryl Stephens, as well as the Defamer-investigated Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black (who, as a former Mormon, must have found the anti-LDS rhetoric a leeetle interesting). The crowd skewed decidedly young, and celebrities whose marriages might actually be nullified — like George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres — were nowhere to be found. Sad as we were to rally without Takei's basso profundo, at least the massive standstill traffic generated by the ensuing march trapped two more gay-appropriate celebs in the maelstrom.

Yup, that's Dancing with the Stars entrant Lance Bass, whose car was caught in the traffic as protesters marched down Sunset Blvd. He didn't get out to join the protest, and somehow, we think Cloris would've. Eventually, the crowd made its way to Hollywood and Highland, where cops made arrests and rebuffed any further progress. On the way back, however, one last gift was still to be unwrapped: a convertible bearing Tila Tequila, whose Stoli-infused reality show prostitution no doubt made the entire night possible. Good show, gays.

[Photo Credits: LAT, Towleroad, Indiewire]

• Police, demonstrators clash at prop. 8 protest [LAT]

• 
  Report from West Hollywood: November 5 Anti-Prop 8 Rally [Towleroad]

• No on Prop 8 Rally [Indiewire]

On NSYNCer Lance Bass's People cover two years ago and comedian Ellen DeGeneres' big Time cover ten years ago. Same exact head position, nearly the same hair, and Clay and Ellen even have that little extra "Yes" or "Yep"—that same sheepish sense of "yeah, I know you knew, I'm just sayin' so it's out there and all." Bass didn't get one of those folksy affirmatives because, we suspect, he was still laboring under the illusion that people weren't sure about his sexuality. Or maybe People magazine was. Gay rumors dogged him, to be sure, but not in the same way that they followed DeGeneres and Aiken.

So is this the way to come out on magazines? I mean, straight dudes would never do that head tilt, right?

Oh, and where in the heck is Lindsay Lohan's cover?

• On her new album, Britney Spears allegedly has a song called "ATM" where she sings, "Hey Mama, I know it’s my cash you seek." After being hospitalized in January and February, Spears stabilized her life and won increased visitation with her two sons, only to have her handlers push her back into various work endeavors. Point being, the song is probably more than mere celebrity whining, and I will actually purchase it on iTunes! (JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE, etc.) [Mirror]
• Vogue's Anna Wintour is having another step-grandkid. But she can't enjoy this news because her intern, Sean Avery, is totally flirting with another fashion mag editrix! That's emotional cheating right there!
• Kathryn Walker is happy to talk about why she's hasn't been talking about her novel being partially based on ex-husband James Taylor. [Times]
• According to his friends, Alex Rodriguez's ex-wife is a dragon lady who hates his hispanic side, made him stop eating Spanish food and controlled his mind with her master's degree in psychology. Totally plausible. [P6]
• Singer Lance Bass is hooking up with personal trainer Sebastian Leal even though Brazil-born Leal has a wife of nine years. Sounds like a total citizenship marriage, though, so meh, whatever. [P6]
• Giorgio Armani, 74, invited Prince Caspian from Chronicles of Narnia — Ben Barnes, 26 — for a ride on his yacht. Don't eat the Turkish Delight! [R&M]
• Under pressure from doctors, Amy Winehouse has given away eight of her cats. Now she has to relinquish the final six, which are her favorites. Apparently they give her breathing problems. And I'm sure she doesn't give them breathing problems, since feline lungs are totally brilliant at filtering crack smoke. [Showbiz Spy]
• Sean Connery faces accusations he "stopped giving his son money to force him to make his own way in life." Wait, you can be accused of that? Like it's a bad thing? And people will write about it? [UPI]

Historically speaking, ballroom dancing is considered to be an incredibly hetero environment. There's nobody "light in the loafers" on that stage. The constant bedazzling of the purple, stretch satin leisure suits is not so much a fashion statement as it is a safety precaution: you need those sparkly guides to assist you during all that hetero twirling. So the announcement of male partners comes as shock to many, but as always, Hollywood is ready to plan massive events to support this radical cause.

First up will undoubtedly be a massive A-List gala. Co-chaired by Elton John and T.R. Knight, the benefit will feature Eva Longoria-Parker, Victoria Beckett, Liz Taylor (scheduled to appear before 4PM), and cause-whore Sharon Stone, but only after promising not to speak.

Throwing "quieter" support behind the cause are Hollywood's Four Stooges – Clooney, Pitt, Damon and Cheadle. These four often opt out of attending flashy, public events. Per usual, they'll hold a far more civilized and appropriate gathering in Vegas called Poker Playing Celebrities United Behind Male Dance Couples.

And rounding out the trifecta of celebrity support will surely be the all-important PSA. We can't forget you, Julia, Tom, Cameron, Reese, Ben and Jen. Male dance couples everywhere will be thanking you for your overly earnest remarks.

Way to go, Hollywood!

• Celebrity Side Dish [NYDN]

• Maybe Barack Obama surprised Scarlett Johansson with a bunch of long emails because her brother, Hunter, works for him. Uh, sure. [P6]
• Richard Dreyfuss had a close encounter of the strip club kind. For "several hours." Or just maybe it was some other balding, white-haired, older white guy in a strip club. But what are the odds of that? [P6]
• That big $2 million performance Amy Winehouse snagged? The one for the Russian oligarch? She landed in Russia drunk/high and stumbled down the carpet two hours late. Then she flashed the audience. So it's not clear what the source who says "she still put on a terrific show" means, exactly. [R&M]
• The marriage of Madonna and Guy Ritchie has entered the "Kabbalah Marriage Counseling" phase. [Fametastic]
• Apparently 50 Cent finds naked girls waiting for him in his hotel room closets. He throws them out because "I don't want no [beep] that costs $50." Wow, no wonder all the businessmen are always so happy in those Holiday Inn Express ads. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell settled with a Slovakian housekeeper who said she was abused and mocked by Campbell for her language skills. As though any housekeeper who could read or hear things in English would ever take a job with Naomi Campbell. [Showbiz Spy]
• Singer Lance Bass' ex-boyfriends hooked up with each other, and the Post finds this touching, because it is a big supporter of gay unions. [P6]

Reichen has just updated his My Space profile so that his headline reads, "You Shady Lying Sack of Shit. You're BEYOND Gross. What an Idiot I Have Been!"

Reichen also posted a new blog to his My Space profile entitled Dating Tips for Hollywood:

"Tuesday, April 29, 2008 — Dating Tips for Hollywood

Never believe them when they say they're in love with you.

Never believe them when they tell you where their heart is.

Never believe them when they say they're only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them.

Never underestimate their need for celebrity, money, and fame.

Never believe you can fix it by being true or nice.

Never EVER believe love is more important to them than anything Hollywood.

Don't date in Hollywood. Realize that for them, it's all BUSINESS."

Words to live by, though we got a little bit tripped up on dating tip #3, "Never believe them when they say they're only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them." We find this confusing on so many levels. If your companion is honest enough to admit that their only intention is to bone you—whether for social-climbing reasons or simply because they "heard from a friend of a friend of Neil Patrick Harris that you fuck like a feisty piranha"—isn't that level of forthrightness something that should be celebrated? After all, successful relationships, regardless of how short-lived, are really all about keeping avenues of communication wide open.

• OH NO! Ry-Chen Dunzo?! [trent.blogspot.com]

He did it to cheer up his despondent friend, who had just undergone all the highs and lows of a tumultuous marriage and subsequent divorce in the greatly compressed time frame of 24 hours. Sadly, the disclosure, despite being truly fabulous, only further confused Spears, leading the singer to start questioning whether she too might be a gay man. After that anecdote, the infamous People cover makes an appearance, followed by Kimmel's own—an issue that somehow slipped our radar, but that probably would have better prepared us for the Matt Damon-cuckolded talk show host's shocking revenge ditty, "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck."

• Jimmy Kimmel Live! [ABC]
• SLEEPING AROUND [Page Six]

[Lance Bass et al at New York City's Club Butter, celebrating the 24th birthday of Bass's boyfriend, Ben Thigpen, Jan 7; image via INF]

New line from commenter CodePink.

They had left me with a chipped tooth, bruised ribs and a concussion, and they had snatched my cellphone — enough to support a charge of second-degree robbery. I subsequently discovered that my girlfriend had been pushed to the ground and took a fist to the cheek while trying to break up Round 2. Still, I consider us all very lucky.

Then a curious thing happened. A wave of fashion broke through the sea of blue uniforms and twirling lights.

"Is that Sarah Jessica Parker?" one of the women asked. It was. Seemingly oblivious to the mayhem swirling around them, the "Sex and the City" star and two female friends made their way through the throng of officers and down the street.

The attacker was arrested even though Derry's girlfriend couldn't ID the attackers. Derry goes on to posit that they could recognize ol' SJP but not the kids because we're used to staring at famous faces. Hmm. Though we don't know the race of anyone involved—although we just heard Derry's answering machine message and he sure "sounded" "white" to us, and he does work for the Yankees—we do know that, 1. they were walking by those projects between 9th and 10th Avenue, which are pretty much all-black and 2. to white people, all non-white people look the same and 3. as mentioned, Duffy's girlfriend couldn't ID the suspect in a lineup but no one had any problems identifying a white one-time guest star from "Square Pegs." (No one returned calls, including the police.) Double-hmm! And yes, there was another sighting of a white and famous face in store for them!

My girlfriend and I held hands as we left the precinct house, struggling to make sense of the entire ordeal. As we walked, we saw Lance Bass, the former 'N Sync singer, who had just crossed the street in front of us. I was dumbfounded at how quickly we could recognize him and had recognized Ms. Parker, people familiar to us only from television shows and gossip columns, despite the fact that we were unable to identify someone with whom we shared a physical connection....

[W]hen Mr. Bass walked in front of us, he brought with him an opportunity to close the unique celebrity angle. My girlfriend, who knows all too well of my struggles to be a writer, acknowledged that fact when she said, "That was your literary gift from heaven."