"17 stitches later" Katy Perry contemplates using a walker onstage. The cast of Glee won't stop banging on set. Conan and Lance Armstrong get in a Twitter fight. Tiki Barber is broke. Wednesday gossip gets you through the hump.

Lance Armstrong, True American Hero (and cleanest cyclist ever), is upset with Outside magazine for Photoshopping a slogan onto his t-shirt. So he did what you might expect—he took to the Twitter, writing "That's some lame bullshit. #weak."

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry split. Chelsea Handler has a sex tape. Johnny Weir and Evan Lysacek are at war. Lance Armstrong's unborn baby has a Twitter account. A topless bong pic causes controversy. Saturday's gossip roundup is making waves.

David Karp lectured the twittering masses on acting "classy," Lance Armstrong held forth on what Real Men don't do on the internet, and Andrew Keen detested your inspirational quotes. The Twitterati were feeling judgy.

James Gandolfini turns 48 today. Lance Armstrong is turning 38. Jada Pinkett Smith is 38 today, too. Designer Karim Rashid is 49. Comic actor Fred Willard is turning 70. Actor James Marsden is 36. The Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo is turning 33. The rapper Xzibit is turning 35. Senator Bob Bennett of Utah is 75.…

Damien Hirst thrives on creating controversy. (One of his first works to garner attention was that dead shark suspended in formaldehyde, which is now part of hedge fund mogul Steve Cohen's collection.) So it's hardly a surprise that he's stirring the pot once again. But this time Lance Armstrong gets to go along for…

A car chase failed to end on camera, making MSNBC's David Shuster sad; Ben Stiller hobnobbed merrily with Lance Armstrong; and a blogger became fascinated with Lydia Hearst's fulsome... theories in financial regulation. The Twitterati were excitable today.

Lance Armstrong uncensored his Wall Street Journal letter saying everyone hates Greg LeMond, except Lance Armstrong; Daily Show people had a vicious fight about chairs and the Economist got snarked on. The Twitterati got it out of their systems.

Britney is hell bent on meeting the Queen and is planning a "pop-in," Kristin Cavallari is pissing off Audrina Patridge on the set of The Hills, Brangelina denies breakup rumors AGAIN, and Jon Gosselin and his mistress are photographed on vacation.

• Madonna's backup dancers haven't been making friends at the Bryant Park Hotel. Reports a staffer: "They are presumptuous and cheap. Nearly every one of them have stiffed their bellman and servers, and what's worse is they have tons of stuff." [P6]
• The situations continues to deteriorate for Lindsay Lohan: She's…

Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate is blessed with bisexual rocker-dom; Lindsay Lohan's sister has been baptized into mega-decauchery; and Mel Gibson's family will be born into sin.

• Eliot and Silda Spitzer made their first public appearance together last night. The couple turned up at the Waldorf for the eighth annual Children's Benefit Gala and were spotted holding hands and making "lovey-dovey looks at each other." Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. [NYDN]
• The stress over the Kiefer…

• Things aren't looking up for Damon Dash. He's lost a fortune recently and is buried under a mountain of debt. Now it looks like he's losing his wife, too: Rachel Roy just slapped the hip hop mogul with divorce papers. [NYDN]
• David Letterman and his longtime girlfriend Regina Lasko got married last week. [NYP, Us]
…

This isn't the best time for a socialite to be pitching a high-end lifestyle brand. But you can't blame Tory Burch for trying to remake her image to suit the current economic climate. Burch, who is now preparing to introduce her line to British shoppers, "has created the go-to brand for affordable luxury" and is now…

• Bruce Wasserstein has been keeping busy. In between splitting up with his third wife and marrying his fourth, he found the time to have a baby with a recent Columbia Business School grad, with whom he's now sharing custody of a 10-month-old girl. [P6]
• The LAPD have launched an investigation into who leaked a…

• Naomi Campbell has settled a lawsuit by a former maid who alleged the world's most temperamental supermodel threw her phone at her head after she failed to find a pair of misplaced jeans back in 2006. [NYDN]
• Casey Johnson and Courtenay Semel appear to have made up following their violent brawl. They're heading…

• Was the "exhaustion" that sent Samantha Ronson to the hospital the result of a marathon screaming match with Lindsay? [TMZ]
• Walter Noel's five daughters are a bunch of maneaters who used to steal other girls' boyfriends, at least according to one of their former Georgetown classmates. [P6]
• Now that he's dated …

Drew Barrymore walking in the West Village ... Alex Rodriguez leaving a workout at the Reebok Gym ... Spike Lee posing for photos outside a hotel ... Julianne Moore carrying a shopping bag ... Kelly Ripa and David Blaine hanging upside down in Central Park for a Live segment ... Blake Lively and Leighton Meester …