• Michael Lohan went on Maury Povich-Maury Povich? Really?-to say that there's "nothing left" of Lindsay Lohan, and that he doesn't want to see her die. Morbid! He says she called him crying hysterically after she got robbed and the Daily News reports Lohan as saying she's doing fine. Well, she got that Robert Rodriguez role, so maybe. On the other hand, he could be right, given, well, you know. Look at her. Really. When what Michael Lohan says about you -in a universe of insane, distinct possibility-might hold water, yes, you have problems. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's mom believes what she reads about him. Like OMG HE IS SO CUTE I H8 KRISTEN STEWART SO MUCH YOU GUYZZZ!!!!! Also, he's been approached by fans who want their necks bitten by him. Some people don't deserve necks. Teenagers are ridiculous; related news, I feel old. His security force has to keep fans-not even stalkers, just plain old fans-away from him. He literally has to keep women away with a stick. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Pete Wentz wants to have a "soccer team" of children. On behalf of soccer fans and the rest of civilization: don't. [People]
  
  
• The Osbourne Family's Ways to Get Drugs, Number 1,042: get a collagen injection. Nice one, Kelly. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• ARR MATEY. The Dread Pirate Rihanna wants to take you under her umbrellarrrrr. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Damn, Jon Gosselin. You are fucking up and consequently getting fucked in every possible way. TLC's suing Gosselin for breach of contract now that he's basically canceled production on TLC's "hit" show. Ha, TLC, we knew you were some evil bastards. See, TLC suing Jon costs the family money and eventually to repay all the legal fees they're going to have to go back on the show and be completely broke, and TLC's ratings go up: genius! I wonder if they'd do this to the midgets if they wanted to leave the network. Also, Kate's thinking about suing him or threatening him in court or whatever because he hacked into her email. Naturally. Also, did the Daily News just get this chyron for Jon and Kate gossip?
  

  Looks like the graphic design intern's in today. Meanwhile, welcome to #Gosselip (thank you, Sarrible). Your Jon and Kate rage-rants on how much you hate them (and/or #Gosselip specific tips) are welcome.

  [NYDN]

  
  

• People wants to know if Kevin Costner's the new David Hasselhoff. Costner's kicking off a tour with his band and will be going through Germany. David Hasselhoff would comment but he's probably drunk on the floor crying into his cheeseburger over the threat to his reign over the Rhineland or whatever. [People]
  
  
• The Kardashians are teaming up with Bebe for a clothing line. Great, but does the world need more Apple Bottom jeans than it already has? Yes, that's about Kim having a large ass, the only thing any of them are actually famous for. Oh, and her sex tape with Brandy's brother. That, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. The NYDN's big gossip story this morning is that Anna Nicole Smith took perscription meds while pregnant with Larry Birkhead's baby. Like you even needed to be reminded of this story, this is one of those things we pretty much all probably could've guessed and/or figured out on our own if we actually wanted to think about it. Which nobody did. She took methadone to offset the back pain caused by her breast implants, and also, used to drink out of baby bottles and eat baby food she kept bedside while she was pregnant (in anticipation of her baby). This all came out when Birkhead was testifying in some shady case about the shady people who gave her drugs. Meanwhile, thanks NYDN, for sucking up my morning. [NYDN]
  
  
• Upper West Sider to America: Madonna won't STFU. America to Upper West Sider: STFU obnoxious person. Complaining about Madonna being a shitty neighbor is just as obnoxious as Madonna being a shitty neighbor. [NYDN]
  
  
• Didn't know this! Tina Fey was a 24 year-old virgin. She told Letterman Wednesday night on his show, followed by a "I couldn't give it away." Who'd she give it up to? Her husband and the father of her kids. In related news, how can you not like this woman? [NYDN]
  
  
• Fred Durst is getting divorced after three months. He did it all for the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, so you can take that prenup, and stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH. Related: remember when Limp Bizkit sold records? I don't! Eternal Sunshine machine, take me awayyyyy!!!! [NYDN]

  [Photo via David Kriger/Bauer-Griffin]

He justifies his rationale in the ET interview above, though we don't really see why he feels the need to. It's the next logical step for young Dannielynn, who made her TV debut at age 0 being pried out of her mother via C-section, and who now closes the Circle of Reality Show life on the very same network that pushed her mother's career to the next level. We mean—what's the worst that could happen, right? [ET Online]

L&S: So why are you selling it now?
Larry: You know, I always said I’d never sell, but the longer we’ve been here, the more I’ve realized it’s not built for children. We live over a canyon, and while the view’s great, there’s no backyard. I’ve bought Dannielynn every toy under the sun, but they can’t replace a yard. She doesn’t have a place to have her friends over to play.
L&S: You’ve kept an entire closet of Anna’s clothing, accessories and jewelry. Is that another way of preserving her memory for Dannielynn?
Larry: Yes. Every piece in there has a story. Someday, I hope to show them all to Dannielynn and tell her what event her mom wore them to and what they meant to her — from the casual T-shirts to the fancy dresses. I want her to understand how beautiful and glamorous her mom was.

We have no doubt Dannielynn eventually will, once she's old enough to fully grasp the concepts of beauty and glamor, but before the time she's able to operate a DVD player. Until then, she'll just play among the Anna artifacts randomly strewn about in a meticulously art-directed fashion, blissfully unaware of the stories every urn, cherub, and leopard skin gown would tell if only these inanimate objects could talk.

• Saying goodbye to Anna Nicole [Life & Style]

"I think about life in a different way," he reveals. "I had kidney stones and was in the hospital for a week in July. I was freaking out thinking, If something happens to me, Dannielynn is by herself. I'm all this little one has left."

"I'm so paranoid medically with what we've been through," Birkhead tells Us. "If she has a sniffle: straight to the doctors. Anna had a fever when she passed away."

Birkhead is being wise to keep an eye out for the pitfalls that befell Anna Nicole. We'd even suggest he intervene should his daughter start bonding with any outrageously flamboyant, Asian-interior-decorating toddlers she happens to meet at daycare.

• EXCLUSIVE: See What Anna Nicole's Daughter Dannielynn Looks Like Now [Us]

Larry Birkhead paid nearly $3,000 at an auction Saturday for lingerie worn by late ex Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy shoot.

Birkhead explained he paid $1,800 for a pink bustier and $1,000 for a white negligee because he wanted to give their 1-year-old daughter Dannielynn a keepsake of her mother.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," he told the Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career.

"You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road," he added. "It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon."

While others might condemn Birkhead for buying Anna Nicole's used underwear (the sort of skeevy practice usually reserved for Japanese businessmen), we applaud him. Sure, a bustier is a little provocative to give to a one-year-old, but this is the same child Anna Nicole underfed to keep "sexy." We imagine Birkhead is merely carrying out Anna Nicole's wishes, and we look forward to the day that dad and daughter can truly bond: by watching extended outtakes from Anna Nicole's role in the deliciously terrible Skyscraper.

• Larry Birkhead Buys Anna Nicole Smith's Old Lingerie for Dannielynn [Us Magazine]

"Birkhead bought a pink bustier for $1,800 and a white negligee for $1,000 at the auction, run by Julien's Auctions and held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.

"He was awarded custody of Danielynn after Smith died from an overdose of prescription drugs in February 2007. She was 39. Birkhead said he hoped the items would help his daughter learn her mother's life story—when she's old enough.

"'You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road,' Birkhead said. 'It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon.'" [AP]

Estate executor Howard K. Stern, meanwhile—whom you may or may not remember ignoring a child's pleas not to exploit a drug-addled Smith for a zombie-clown video—tells ET he's established the Anna Nicole and Daniel Wayne Smith Charitable Foundation: "It will benefit charitable causes that Anna Nicole supported during her life: children, the elderly, and the treatment and cure of AIDS. Hopefully it will grow, help more people each year, and eventually be headed by her daughter Dannielynn," an exciting possibility we're sure will come to pass just as soon as Birkhead figures out how to take a fair cut of whatever Stern's pulling off the bottom line.

• Foundation Pays Tribute to Anna Nicole [ETOnline]

For starters, there's the sickening voiceover ("this is as close as [Dannielynn] will come to her mother") and the fact that Birkhead hasn't gotten around to taking care of a gravestone for Anna Nicole yet (it's nearly been a year!). Then there's the whole issue of compensation (if anyone who knows how much money traded hands here, please email us). Lastly, there's truly atrocious outro promo copy ("for more on Danniellyn's visit to her mom's grave, go to [URL redacted] and click the 'Get It' button!"). Nice work, jackals! Now excuse us while we go hurl.

In today's episode: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren; Larry David; Seth Rogen; Dave Annable, Matthew Rhys, and Emily VanCamp; Larry Birkhead; Laurence Fishburne; Peter Krause and Bob Odenkirk; Tony Hale; Jamie Lee Curtis; David Hasselhoff and Spoon; Connie Britton; John Landis; Cindy Crawford; Sharon Lawrence; and Janice Dickinson.

· I just ran into Jessica Alba and Cash Warren at the Ralphs on Doheny and Beverly Blvd, about 10:30pm Tuesday Dec. 5th. Cash was pushing the grocery cart and seemed to be doing all the shopping, while Jessica was wandering up another aisle by herself. She wasn't looking at anything on the shelves, just wandering, which I thought was odd. Also, there was a beautiful white Bentley GT in the parking lot. I'm assuming it was hers.

· Larry David having drinks last night (12/6) at Wilshire in SM with a smoking hot young blonde. Seriously, she was like late 20s, all done up and starlet-y. Not a daughter/relative/assistant b/c he was sitting on a bar stool and she was cozying up to him. And she kept smiling all lovey-dovey. Not a first date, but it looked like it was new. Nice work, LD!

· 11/30 - Went to Boulevard 3 to see Ringside play a late night show (almost too late for this old lady) and of course saw Balthazar Getty (he's in the band) but also spied his t.v. brothers Dave Annable and Matthew Rhys) who both looked so cute in person. I was told that the girl sucking face with Annable was his illegitimate t.v. sister (Emily VanCamp)- ew. But I don't watch the show much, so I can't say for sure. The band was solid, sounded better than I remember— LUV that song 'Tired of Being Sorry'!

12/02 - Was waiting in line at Milk on Beverly Blvd and Seth Rogen walked in behind me with a petite, down-to-earth looking brunette. I approve of the coupling (if that's the case). Not sure what they got, but I do know he drove off in a brand new shiny black Lexus sedan.

Really old, sorry: 11/19 - Daughtry show at the Orpheum. I was NOT there to see Daughtry (although those fans make for some good people watching). No, I was there to see cuties The Midway State— talk about an odd pairing of bands! Anywho, during the break between TMS and Daughtry, I spied much shorter than expected and just as thin as assumed, ANS baby daddy, Larry Birkhead. Now, I don't think the man is attractive, but in pictures he has that saccharine cuteness thing going. Not so in person. He was just sorta there.

· Dec 3 - WEIRD! I'm at the back bar [next to the kitchen] at the Abbey, and who's standing to my left? Laurence Fishburne. Wearing a black leather jacket, and with a white male friend around his age. Make your own speculations about this one!

· 12/5 Saw Bob Odenkirk (he of the hilarious Mr. Show and the unfunny everything else, not the reliably unfunny /Steve/ Oedekerk) at the Koo Koo Roo on Larchmont and Beverly. He was all "WGA this," and "strike that" into his cel phone. When I drove away I nearly hit Peter Krause crossing Larchmont. Maybe he was too busy thinking about the Darling family blah blah fakety-fake (though this /was/ a real sighting).

· Tony "Buster Bluth" Hale and family in line to see Santa at the Grove: It was last night (12.6.07) at around 5:00. My son and I were in line a few people back from them. Very jovial fellow. Their nearly one year old, as expected, didn't care for being on Santa's knee.

· Dec 4- With all the Jamie Lee Curtis sightings earlier this week, I feel obliged to give you mine. I was at a Shepard Fairey preview before the opening and saw her talking loudly to her Robin Quivers-eque friend about a piece she would have bought if it wasn't already sold. Not bad for a cougar but kinda sending that 'militant lesbian' vibe....but in a good way. Excellent art show BTW.

· Dec 5- Spotted the band Spoon outside baggage claim at LAX. Later, David Hasselhoff wandering down Robertson. He looked bewildered and sorta wandered back and forth around the block. He was probably waiting for someone to recognize him.

· My total girl-crush Connie "Mrs. Coach" Britton - enjoying a late supper at Cafe des Artistes in Hollywood on Thursday night. It looked like a date as they were still deep in conversation as we left at 12:30 AM. If it was, dude has definitely outkicked his coverage. Happy Holidays!

· Dec 5 - Dammit, I just just saw 80s auteur John Landis at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift store at the Century City mall. He and his wife came in to shop just as I was paying my bill. He looks pretty much the same since the "Making of Thriller" days, albeit a little greyer. I assume he was with his wife, who is pretty and classy in a mature/non-plastic surgery-laden way. I so wanted to tell him what a huge fan I was, but chickened out. I may just have to settle by watching my "American Werewolf in London" DVD.

· Dec 3 - Was on a little vaca down in San Diego this weekend and spotted Cindy Crawford hanging at the recently opened Sweetwater Saloon in the new Hard Rock hotel. I was way too shy to approach her on my own, but my wonderful girlfriend stepped in to make the introduction. Cindy, who is just as beautiful in person, was very gracious and sweet ... and I may never wash my hand again.

· Dec 6 - Last week saw Sharon Lawrence in the lobby of my office building; looking very content...and very doable...I always thought she was hot in a MILFy-like way...

· A couple of sightings from Wednesday's Spice Girls show: I wasn't anywhere near Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I did spot Nick Verreos, who was right up by the runway and totally into the show, and Janice Dickinson, who had floor seats but seemed to be coming and going the whole time.

Today, ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT spoke to Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead as they shared their continued grief for Anna Nicole Smith on what would have been her 40th birthday.

Stern, whose own birthday is tomorrow, told ET, "My only wish is that Anna is celebrating her 40th birthday with Daniel and Howard (Marshall) in heaven and that they are able to experience the beautiful development of Dannielynn from above. Then I know that she would truly be at peace. She was more extraordinary than words can describe. I will never stop loving her."

Birkhead reveals that he plans to commemorate Anna's birthday with Dannielynn, "We will have a private family celebration to remember Anna. Time still hasn't healed the wound of her untimely passing, as she truly was one of a kind. We miss her dearly."

If we know Birkhead, this "private celebration" is sure to be no less spectacular than the one he threw for Dannielynn's first birthday—a three ring circus swarming with clowns, magicians, and ET cameramen, with more little-girl pearls than you can shake a pink ballerina tutu at. Stern's commemoration, however, promises to be much more subdued, involving two individual cupcakes sitting at opposite ends of a dining table at her empty Bahamian estate, with her clown video looping in the background as the wistful lawyer savors the carefree, Anna-drugging days of yesteryear.

• Remembering Anna Nicole Smith's Birthday [ETOnline]

A full transcript of Larry's penetrating interview is at CNN.com ("KING: Is the book in the main lies? STERN: The book? KING: Yeah. [...] STERN: Totally false. Totally false. [...] KING: You have to say, then, you were whacked out, totally shocked by this? STERN: Absolutely, absolutely..."). But to fully grasp the scope of the injustices and tragedies suffered over the past year by the deceased starlet's creepy, ever-present lawyer-companion, we suggest you watch the clip above, asking yourself all along, "Is this the face of a guy who would engage in compromising, intimate relations for the cameras with his own babydaddy-in-law?"

• CNN LARRY KING LIVE [transcripts.cnn.com]

Cosby, meanwhile, faces a $60 million lawsuit from Howard K. Stern, the man she accuses of having engaged in videotaped intimate relations with Larry Birkhead. Now two of the sources she cites—Haitian nannies employed at Smith's Bahamian home at the time—are denying having said anything of the kind. The author has flown down to the Bahamas to see if she can't jog their memories; in Cosby's defense, however, the French term for "oral sex between men" is just one consonant off from another word that means, "to come to fisticuffs over the honor of a shared woman," which could go a long way towards explaining the nannies' confusion over the matter.

• Smith's nannies didn't speak to author [Yahoo/AP]
• Blonde Ambition [Amazon.com]

ANNA'S EX SUES OVER GAY CLAIM [AP]

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern, filed a $60 million libel lawsuit Tuesday against Rita Cosby and her publisher over a book she wrote that claims Stern and Smith's ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, had a sexual encounter.

The suit, filed in federal court in New York, seeks $10 million in compensatory damages and $50 million in punitive damages from Cosby—who wrote "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death"—and Hachette Book Group USA Inc.

With the gauntlet thrown down, Cosby's best hope at this point is to finally locate the rumored and elusive video capturing the "compromising, intimate position" enacted by the two Smith hangers-on; otherwise, the $60 million sex-act will remain relegated to the category of myth, despite being the most satisfying make-believe blow job Stern has ever not received.

• Anna Nicole Smith Book Prompts $60M Suit [AP/Breitbart.com]

The long-awaited inquest in the Bahamas into the death of the son of former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith will begin on October 30, and could last two months, a senior judge in the Bahamas said on Monday.

Bahamas Chief Magistrate Roger Gomez said at least 35 witnesses were expected to give evidence, including Smith's longtime lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern. The inquest would be conducted by Magistrate William Campbell, he added.

Just what the inquest hopes to uncover regarding Daniel's mysterious and tragic death—whose one-year anniversary was marked by a number of paparazzi-documented visits to his distant grave—is uncertain. We only hope none of those 35 witnesses is Dannielynn, however, as the much-exploited one-year-old is probably not yet equipped to handle a Bahamian prosecutor's pointed questions about what incriminating behavior she recalls witnessing in a hospital room just hours after her birth.

• Bahamas to hold inquest in death of Daniel Smith [news.yahoo.com]

"They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren't quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money." [...]

Speer adds, "I was with Larry when he went to meet Howard at the Horizon mansion [in the Bahamas]. It was a secret meeting, where he got to see Dannielynn. ... I heard Howard tell Larry that he'd give him custody of the baby if he [would allow] Stern to remain as executor of the estate. Larry said, 'I'll think about it.'

It seems to us hasty to presume Birkhead harbors purely opportunistic motives, simply because a cemetery visit was accompanied by tabloid photographers insisting he tilt his head up and give his best "Why not me, God?" face. Until Speer recalls the evening he witnessed the chunky-highlighted new dad holding up a check and purring to his supposed former nemesis, "How about a romantic lobster dinner for two, courtesy of my Oscar-caliber acting ability and that nosy teen you expertly disposed of, Mr. Hunky Lawyerstein?" we'll refrain from rushing to judgment.

• Guard: Larry Birkhead posed at Anna Nicole's son's grave [nydailynews.com]