it takes a lot to laugh's new line beats the original, "Sorry Did You Say 'Famous' Or 'Shameless'?"

• Heather Locklear's DUI bust? Called in by an ex-Us Weekly staffer who now runs a paparazzi agency. She watched Locklear get into the car, then snapped pictures as she was taking her sobriety test. TMZ paid her more than $27,000 for the shots. And, uh, for ensuring road safety or whatever. [Scoop]
• Lauren Conrad's flack said the reason her clothes are clogging up store racks is because they are selling so incredibly well. Same with the buy-one-get-one-free offer. [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen's flakey artist boyfriend doesn't get along with Ashley Olsen's much more blue collar boyfriend, whose occupations is "famous movie star." Such enormous differences to overcome with these four! [Star]
• Lindsay Lohan is presently feeling interested in headbands and human child adoption. [The London Paper]
• Britney Spears visited some kids in the Bronx and looked cleaned up and sane. Apparently getting that way involved banning her cousin and former assistant Alli Sims from her entire life.
• Adnan Ghalib said there is no sex tape with him and Spears, and he's going to sue someone to prove it. [Sun]

Where Audrina will go, there's just no way of telling (until the photographers and everybody finds her again). Maybe she'll end up at that big-windowed downtown loft that she looked at last season. That way Audrina could imagine herself in some dystopian future world, where she is the brave heroine, not some blonde floozy. I picture her standing looking out the windows at the glittery lights of downtown LA, finally happy, the muddled cricket hum of Beverly Hills just a dream of landscape she had one night.

The gears started turning when Heidigger, Heidi's prodigal older sister—now back living in LA after an indeterminate time spent banished in Crested Butte or whatever—expressed an interest in seeing her old friend Lauren, now Heidi's wistful arch nemesis. Spencer forbade Heidigger so see LC, but something in the chipper (and Daler) faced young lady suggested that she may go—daringly!—behind her younger sister's fake boyfriend's back and rekindle the connection.

And so they did, meeting for lunch at some sort of "bistro place," talking about old times and how they used to be the Three Musketeers. Which is sort of true. Dissatisfying, poop-like bars of nougat that are tossed aside from a child's Halloween bounty like so many Zagnuts. Lauren expressed some temerity about embarking on friendsies 2.0, because she didn't want to drive a wedge between the Sisters Rosenmontag, as she did with Spencer and his dim sister Spencerina. Lessons learned, LC! This is what the show is all about!

Meanwhile Audrina, charged with packing an LA coming-out party for some silly, whiny band called The White Tie Affair (do you get it?), invited her oft bobbing and swaying man friend Justin Bobby. He seemed reluctant to attend, but said he would for her. Of course, the party rolls around and he didn't show. Audy smiled in that softly devastating way that she does, years of disappointment and time spent in the shadows streaking, however fleetingly, across her face. At least Lauren and Lo and Spencerina came, jamming along to the band and flirting with its pierced-nippled members at the poolside after party.

And then, in the end, it came back to Heidi and Lauren. Heidi spoke with Heidigger about the past and her hope for the future. "Maybe by some miracle," Heidi hoped, they could be friends again. Lauren chatted with Spencerina (at their computer class!) and said that she didn't want Heidi to get her hopes up (oh you wicked editors). But when Spencerina asked if Lauren missed her old friend, LC made a face bordering on a genuine seriousness, a sudden realization of time's relentlessly ever-churning wheels. She said she did. And then the music swelled and the same sun swirled somewhere above both of them and it seemed for a moment that there was reason to hope still.

But the "scenes from the next" didn't show any Heidi/Lauren reconnection, just some nonsense about Spencerina going out with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir. Perhaps the producers are keeping that storied reunion in their back pocket, in case this is the last season of the show. For now we'll have to wait and, like so many moments spent at that age, wildly wonder.

Yes, Whitney finally began her bi-coastal Kelly Cutrone adventure, and boy did it start with a bang! Or, at least the potential for a bang. Yes, Whitney's first assignment was to help a casting for male models, impossibly-abbed lads with tousled hair and lazy, ambling gaits. And it made her wonderful dinner plate eyes bug out even more than usual. She was freaking out, albeit in the saturnine, slow lake ripple way that she freaks out. Kelly, schooling her on "multitasking in the power-bitch world," slyly arranged a date for Whitney with one of the models, a scruffy Columbia grad called Alex. Of course Kelly and company were mysteriously absent for the planned evening drinks, so it was just Whitney and the Morningside beau, left to wander the flat and blocky streets of Soho, making canned cute. That said, I would totally watch Whitney's show if it became a, heh, reality.

Oh, and yes, Lauren did end it with Doug the Frozen Burrito Heir, leaving him to contemplate the nature of loss in his well-designed bachelor pad perched high atop the Hollywood hills. At the end of the episode, Lauren pensively navigated those mounds of earth to which her success is owed, perhaps doing some moral arithmetic. "And this relationship ending equals this. And that equals this. And he equals this. And her times him equals me divided by... something." It looks as though things with Spencerina and the boys will teeter into the deep end next week, perhaps providing the final "It's a second pair of legs! A whole second lady!" magician's fumble that will once and for all put this show to bed.

Now it's time to get in bed and cuddle, my dear. [Shudder]

ColonelMustard's new line beats the original, Reality Star Ignores Signs About Her Chosen Profession.

There was, like any good Chekhov play, a party. Lauren, our reluctant and vaguely sad hero, threw a rocker-attended birthday blowout for her cabana-banished roommate Audrina. She had hoped it would put the friendship back on track, but as always Lo was a Maleficent-level bitch and holed up in her room and then hah! blamed Audrina for not making any effort in the faux friendship (see above clip). Lauren then looked sad and went on a date with a guy named Doug ("...Douggg...") who my sources tell me is the heir to a frozen burrito fortune. No fucking joke. Frozen burritos.

Meanwhile in the cartoonish world of Heidi and Spencer, the Piaf-esque singer had her might-as-well-not-have-a-name-she's-so-useless (on the show! she is a real person with feelings!) sister over for an extended visit. Ol' Fleshbeard was none too happy about it, because... well, it wasn't exactly clear what his problem was. Shared airtime? A worry that his sister, Spencerina, might have to cede some coverage? I'm sure we'll see the conflict explored further, because the buckiest Montag ominously intoned that she'd like to move to LA because she had nothing going on back in Colorado (what about the skiing and mega churchgoing???) and Heidi turned to the producers and made sure it was OK and then said it sounded like a good idea.

If something else happened, I don't remember. I guess Whitney made some spot-on facial expressions and Justin Bobby looked pretty decent with his short hair and did I mention the frozen burrito heir? My sister called me right after and declared that, based on the scenes-from-the-next, it was going to be a good season. I agreed and we chatted for a moment, but when I hung up I realized that I had no idea what actually looked "good" about this season. I couldn't remember anything in particular, but I did feel that way at the time. And I'm not sure why. It's a mystery I'll be unpacking for months, if not years, I'm sure.

In the meantime I'll grudgingly watch—pen in my hand, ending unplanned.

• Paris Hilton either added implants to "her A-cup" breasts or wants to spread gossip that she did so she can sell her stupid "push-up" bra. (Yes, you can click the thumb if you need a closer look. Yes, you will feel dirty. But don't you kinda feel that way already?) [P6]
• Graydon Carter's wife Anna gave birth to a baby girl, Isabella Rose Carter, who can already get better reservations and invitations than you. [P6]
• Oppressive Hollywood people will not let Danny Glover make a movie funded by beacon of tolerance Hugo Chavez. [P6]
• Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will receive money otherwise destined to the actors who completed Heath Ledger's turn in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell are all donating their proceeds from the movie. [Fox]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt plan to marry on live TV and also wrest the Hills from Lauren Conrad.

Well, first off, Audrina will die. While hang gliding with Justin Bobby, her erstwhile mumble-mouth boyfriend, she'll suddenly look directly at the sun. She'll blink furiously and lose control and spiral down toward the gleaming blue Pacific. Justin Bobby will mourn her by grunting a bit, then hitting on a girl. So yeah, Audrina is dead. Or is she? Lauren will start finding strange bits of detritus on her doorstep. Seashells, bits of glass, the severed head of Frankie Delgado. Is Audrina secretly alive, or is she exacting undead revenge, like the watery Ted Danson zombie in Creepshow? Tune in to find out!

While dealing with the bloated undead, Lauren will also be struggling with her next computer class. Expect lots of footage of LC swatting at the computer and sort of chirp/meowing. Spencer's sister, Spencerina, will be there too. Once Lauren leaves, Spencerina will make out with Lauren's computer. Traitor! Also, Heidi will become a prize at a carnival. She'll be hung up at the back of the booth until she is won by an acne-faced boy from Ohio who fills a balloon with water the fastest. She'll be passed off to the lad's girlfriend, who will absentmindedly leave Heidi in her cousin Dorine's Ford Probe when she gets dropped off at home that night. Spencer will cope with the loss by painting another vroom vroom! mural on the walls and then doing a slow, mournful jig. Then Whitney will come out reading a large, ancient book. She'll close it slowly and say, beatifically, "all has ended." Then she'll disappear into thin air. The credits will roll as Jenn Bunny croons Just the Way You Are.

Or, you know, this stuff happens.

• Kate Hudson totally finished her first Tour De Lance! Congratulations! [P6]
• Donna Karan is going to Africa with Calvin Klein and two Vanity Fair editors to try and find inspiration for her new collection, "Urban Zen." Because when you think of Zen, you think of the continent of Africa! [Observer]
• Despite rumors that Matthew Broderick cheated on Sarah Jessica Parker with a 25-year-old youth counselor, everything is totally fine in their relationship. You can tell by how hapy they look in the attached photo. [OK!]
• In jail for soliciting a 14-year-old prostitute, billionaire scuzz Jeff Epstein "has a cell to himself and spends his days at the library e-mailing various models he befriended in New York." I'll bet he does. [P6]
• So, wow, it turns out Amy Winehouse didn't go to the hospital due to legal addiction-busting drugs after all! Go figure. It turns out ecstasy was somehow involved. Also there was a four-hour drinking game and 11 prescription pills. Now her father is trying to figure out which devious soul slipped drugs into her drink. Um, gosh, no idea.
• Ben Silverman, onetime NBC golden boy and close friend to Rupert Murdoch's daughter, may be done for at the network if his fall shows do as poorly as his summer shows. [P6]
• OMG Lauren Conrad cried at home recently once. This means the Hills star is an "out of control... emotional train wreck" who is "wallowing in the misery that she feels her life has become." Someone stop her before she cries again! [Star]
• Though probably drunk, Shia LaBeouf may also have been the victim of a red-light-runner and thus not at fault in his big accident. [People]
• Britney Spears spent $22,000 per month to go from 144 pounds to whatever pretty hot weight she's at now. [Mail]
• The doorman who won $5 million in the lottery has been fired. [Post]

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."
• Silda and Eliot Spitzer "made only two seconds of eye contact during dinner" at Gabriel's. [P6]
• Anna Wintour is basically holding the Bill Blass fashion label together with he sweet talking and so forth. I guess in some circles she's known for that? Odd. [Post]
• Was Madonna's brother's nasty tell-all book about Madonna published by a secret cabal that includes... MADONNA HERSELF?? From what I've read of that book, she's just devious enough to try it. [P6]
• The entire celebrity media convinced themselves that Lindsay Lohan was sideswiped by a motorcycle while on foot outside a club. But apparently that was entirely fabricated, presumably by a very unambitious prankster. Also, she and Samantha Ronson were headed to Boston the other night instead of breaking up forever.
• Wham! might reunite. Because what would those songs be without Andrew Ridgeley... standing there... smiling? [Sun]
• Charlie Sheen wants full custody of his daughters after batting down apparently false molestation charges from Denise Richards. Please don't say a divorce can't get any uglier than this, because then it totally will. [Sun]
• Ha ha, try dodging the Post and they'll take a picture of you without your shirt on, even if you are some big shot Catholic who totally bro'd down with Anne Hathaway's ex. [Post]
• Mario Lopez's biceps are replacing not one but both Extra hosts. [Post]
• LA boutique Kitson has dropped Lauren Conrad's collection due to poor sales. [OK!]

• Madonna heard about her brother Christopher Ciccone's tell-all book, so she emailed him "Call me." He was all, "Hello? I don’t respond to commands anymore." Besides, writing the book "was like a giant fucking orgasm." [Observer]
• The (supposed) backstory on the Christian Bale assault investigation: He was depressed about the death of Heath Ledger, and exhausted from the movie, and his Mom said "some very outrageous things about him, and his wife," according to a Mail source. Bale yelled at her but didn't touch her or the wife, supposedly. Bale also reportedly lashed out recently on the set of Terminator 4.
• Lorne Michaels, the Saturday Night Live producer, won an initial court decision against a man who keeps trying to contact him because the Long Island man claims Michaels is eavesdropping on his private conversations, "singing and/or other utterances." [Post]
• Socialites Tinsley and Topper Mortimer might get to join the very exclusive Southmampton Bathing Competition. It was in Bonfire of the Vanities and everything! Think good thoughts, so that the Tinz and her sis might some day be cordoned off from rabble like yourself. [Observer]
• Banking heir Matthew Melon promised, in writing, to pay his girlfriend and business partner $1 million if he ever did cocaine again. Now, of course, they've broken up and she's trying to enforce the contract. He was definitely high at some point! [P6]
• Actor Balthazar Getty acknowledged that he has separated rom his wife, in case the pictures of him groping Sienna Miller topless weren't confirmation enough. [P6]
• Lauren Conrad was two hours late to a paid appearance, even though there was a helicopter to ferry her to the party. [P6]
• Here's a picture of Matthew McConaughey's brand new baby. [OK!]

There's some gobbledygook about Perez Hilton gurgling that she left "promptly" after the red carpet, but original source Emily Brill disagreeing. Brill says that Conrad lingered backstage for a while but, yes, ultimately decided to blow that pop stand prematurely.

So I guess, what, this makes Conrad a true celebrity now? Now that she's accused of being temperamental and moody and likes to disappear unannounced from charity events, it can only be a matter of time before she's embedding Bluetooth units into people's skulls, right? It must be nice though. The last time I angrily stormed out of work I had to clammily give two weeks notice beforehand. I guess the mystery of the whole event, if there is any at all, is what exactly set her off. Maybe she suddenly realized that her life would soon be an anonymous husk of the glamorous existence she now enjoys, so she ran off into the night, got herself a Slushee, and wandered around the East Village for an hour or two, listening to the Mountain Goats, and thinking about maybe going back to school, for real this time. Or, you know, she just yelled at her manager from the backseat of a Town Car.

Though! Hmm! Maybe the real fault lies in Animal Fair magazine's editor-in-chief Wendy Diamond. That noble publication was hosting the charity event, and a tipster tells us that Diamond is often demanding and less-than-kind to all involved in these galas. Supposedly she has a history of tirelessly haranguing "famous" people to come to this event until they just can't stand it anymore and relent. Maybe Lauren's just a victim.

Top image via Splash]

• Madonna did not show up to her alleged lover/disciple Alex Rodriguez's All-Star party, nor did his bitter teammates, so he hung out alone in the club with his mom and two "kabbalah buddies," including a woman spotted leaving his house the next day.
• Page Six detailed all the lies noted liar (and animal-hating monster) Paris Hilton has told them, although you never with the Post, really. One of the more bizarre ones is that Hilton smoked marijuana in front of Page Six staff and then promised to take a drug test, but never did. [P6]
• CNN's Washington, DC assignment editor is on the cover of Muscular Development, a magazine featuring guys with obscenely large muscles, and with a website hawking all kinds of, uh, "supplements." Fox News Channel's buddies at the Post think this makes him a "CABLE BULLY." [P6]
• A cat named Anderson Pooper was just named "Best In Show" on Daily Paws. And he's silver! [OMG]
• Lauren Conrad fails to bring dog to bitchfest, ends up crying and somehow flaking. [Emily Brill]
• It's not so much that Jesse Jackson thinks Barack Obama is "talking down to black people" when the presidential candidate tells black men to take responsibility for their children. It's that he thinks Obama is talking down to him, says the mother of Jackson's love child. [Enquirer]
• Cityfile, which profiles Gotham's rich and famous, is trying to take pictures of wealthy people coming in and out of their fancy apartment towers, and is getting harassed by goons and hangers-on. Genius. [P6]
• NBC Universal is eyeing new offices at 7 World Trade Center and 11 Times Square, a total of roughly 500,000 square feet. [Observer]
• Tatum O'Neal's crack dealer feels abandoned. And that's a bad thing? [Enquirer]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were maybe going to name their baby boy Rex Leon? But didn't? And an embroidered play matt somehow proves that? Something like that. [R&M]
• Lord Of The Rings director Peter Jackson probably just bought a Tribeca duplex fo $17 million. [Observer]
• OK! magazine is finally showing those Jessica Alba pictures it paid so much for! Actually, $1.5 million is a bargain these days. [Sun]
• Michael J. Fox will return to TV for four episodes of Rescue Me. [Us]

The Starlet: Heidi Montag, "Out Loud 'n Proud"
The Endorsement: "I'm a Republican, and he has a lot of experience."
The Effect: Not much, except for clueless old man hilarity. When asked about the Hills star's endorsement, McCain claimed to be a big fan of Montag and her show, calling her "a very talented actress." Heidi later showed up at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, further embarrassing politics.

The Starlet: Lauren Conrad, "Secret Republican?"
The Endorsement: Not exactly clear cut. After costar Heidi's earthshaking declaration, Conrad was pressed to throw her support behind a candidate. She officially said "no comment," (though she did speak up about her support for gay marriage). But, at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (yes, she was there too) she reportedly clapped loudly when emcee Craig Ferguson asked if he should vote Republican, then did a little crinkle frown when he asked if he should go Democrat.
The Effect: McCain has not yet acknowledged this tacit endorsement, so her effect on his morale and vote corralling is yet unknown. She has managed, though, to further embarrass politics.

The Starlet: Leven Rambin, "The One Who Likes Funny Things"
The Endorsement: Having just recently become a legal voter (and approved sexual being) when she turned 18, the soap star/socialite's thoughts have naturally turned to politics. Which candidate, after much thorough research and contemplation, has she allied with? McCain of course, because the old timer mumbled and yukked his way into her heart with his recent SNL appearance. She called him "shockingly coherent and comical" in a little blog post.
The Effect: None yet! Though, we can only imagine that McCain will benefit from being called "shockingly coherent and comical," as that never describes people who are old. Also, we suspect, Rambin has further embarrassed politics.

So, there you have it. McCain (the last living Civil War widow) is skewing big in the famous-for-no-reason starlet demo. All he needs now are a few American Gladiators and a Canadian to endorse him and he's looking at a smooth ride to the White House.

Actually, it's here.

• Carrie Fisher so totally did have take a ride in Harrison Ford's Millennium Falcon during the filming of the Star Wars movies. Fisher: "Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes." The Sun headlined their story, "Carrie: I gave Ford Obi-Wan." [Sun]
• Uma Thurman's stalker, a sometime mental patient, once wrote the actress, "My hands should be on your body at all times." Also: "Butter... chocolate... mouth... twitch... seduce." The stalker fixated on Thurman after elderly film star Carol Channing "broke my heart in the early nineties." Thurman took up "stress smoking" amid the stalking, her dresser said in court. Thurman is expected to testify as early as today. [Post]
• Lauren Conrad of the Hills is dating a 22-year-old minor-league baseball player named Doug Reinhardt, whose sister Carey appeared on Laguna Beach with Conrad in season two. TV host Ryan Seacrest finds him boring. [OhNoTheyDidn't]
• Mel Gibson gets to act in a movie again, for the first time since yelling at police about Jews while drunk. He'll play a heroic police investigator. Who uncovers a conspiracy to fleece society by a conniving, powerful elite. Good to see he's moved on. [Reuters]
• Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer didn't just have dessert after lunch. They had "dessert" after lunch. [Sun]
• Basketcase singer Amy Winehouse might get to sing the theme song for an upcoming James Bond movie. [LAT]
• Singer Britney Spears' perfume took in $84 million last year, because crazy smells delicious. [E!]
• Spears is going to be on that one show again. [Sun]

Spirit Fingers' new line beats the original, "Oh No... You Don't... Buster... There's No Way You're Taking... Our... Picutre... (Honey, Pose Hot!)"

She and Lauren were interns at Teen Vogue's Los Angeles office, and Whitney had enough brains to say yes to a chance to spend the summer working in Paris, after Lauren, incredibly, turned it down to be with her boyfriend. That boneheaded decision, her boss tells her later, means that she's "going to always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris."

The gist of the article is that the critic herself, Nancy Franklin, can hardly understand the appeal; possibly nobody can. "I think people watch it mostly to figure out why they're watching it."

I believe the appeal is that the viewer is not required to look for a deeper meaning. There is no deeper meaning, and that's comforting. In this way, The Hills is the Zen Buddhism of TV. We watch and accept the moments that Lauren Conrad gives us; the reward is the journey, not the ending. As critic Nancy Franklin says, the world of reality TV "has a surface but no volume."

Most of the conversations start with one or another of the girls asking Lauren what she did the night before, and, constant as the questions are, they seem to be asked not out of curiosity but out of obligation, as if the girls were being paid to ask—as, indeed, they are.

ChaimGnaldstein's new line beats the original, Reality Stars Overhear Someone Talking About Working Really Hard for a Masters.

Over in Heidi and Spencer territory, Spence's "Operation Win Heidi Back" began. He employed the genius strategy of talking callously about maybe dating another girl, letting Heidi get upset, then leaving the condo (again.) Heidi molded her Silly Putty face into a state of woe and befuddlement and Spencer returned to the sewers, where he lives with Linda Hamilton. I mean! To his sister's apartment where he dumped his shit all over the place and then demanded that she clean up after him. (Spence: "When's the maid coming?" Stephanie: "You're looking at the maid." Spence: "Well she needs to do something about those sheets on the couch where I'm sleeping." Stephanie: [in her head] "Oh, boyyyyys.")

And then, of course, we began to see the producers' indelicate hands meddling in the scene. You see, not only has LC been spending time with She-Pratt, but then, zoh mah gah, Audrina ran into Heidi at a clurrrb. Heidi extended a little olive branch, which Audrina accepted civilly, if reluctantly. Later on she let Heidi come over to pick up some old stuff, most notably a gaudy mirror. Lauren, upon hearing the news, was not terribly happy. "Just be careful..." (the title of last night's second episode) she said, obviously upset (and in the way that you'd talk to someone about a scary rollercoaster.) Earlier, Spencer freaked out on Stephanie for the perceived betrayal, which got her upset ("Stop making yourself cry," he said kindly). Then, when Heidi got more details about LC and Stephanie's budding friendship, she just couldn't understand why LC could accept Spencer's sister, but not his girlfriend (because of the history, duh). Stephanie argued that she and Lauren have "fashion in common." Heidi keened "But every girl has fashion in common." She has a point! Girls do wear clothes! I have to admit, though, that I felt a genuine pang of sympathy for poor disappearing Heidi. But then I snapped to and realized that the producers were slowly pulling off a wonderful, disjointed reunion of sorts. The Hills thrives on the Heidi/ Lauren dynamic, and it had been slackening a bit. But now, with these awkward new "friendships" being forged, everything's back in the center ring.

Oh, and I forgot the biggest detail of the night. At the beginning? What was playing? Fucking Tokio Hotel. They have arrived.

What did I miss? What of Brody's uneventful return? Is this show going anywhere, or are we forever going to be dreaming of an intangible Moscow?

(Sorry no clip. The video department at Gawker HQ is going through some new-office hiccups.)

• Over here, we had an old friend take on the weekend shift.
• A random schoolgirl in Queens settled the "Is Gossip Dead?" debate once and for all.
• Former model Veronica Webb got savaged for misreading Beowulf.
• Senator Hillary Clinton got Dan Savaged over her Bosnia story.
• We reminisced about The Breakfast Club.
• MSNBC shouting head Pat Buchanan told black people to be grateful.
• And The Hills star Lauren Conrad acquired new facial expressions.

homobot v3.0's new line beats the original, Reality TV Star Poses With Latest Victim.

After digging through the refrigerator for sodas, one of the girls pointed to a shiny copy of Us in the rack with Lauren Conrad's silly face staring vaguely at nothing and said, "I really want to buy that but I don't have enough money." Case closed, suckas!

But the real magic of The Hills is what it can do for the older gals, like those ones from Sex and the City. "A lot of older women, not even that old—I'm talking, like, late 30s—say one of the reasons they love watching is because they love reminiscing. And remembering what it's like to be young and free and in your early 20s." [Newsweek]

"Playing yourself on reality television isn't to our readers the level of accomplishment that you need to have on the cover of Cosmo." Dayyum. What level of accomplishment do you need to have?

A reality star's life might seem like a slapdash affair, marked by ups such as overpriced clothing lines and downs such as her exploits exposed on The Hills. In fact, in takes a whole team of people to do this kind of work, especially since MTV does not, as a rule, promote her non-Hills enterprises.

Since 2006, Ms. Conrad has signed up for deals with a toy company, a leather-goods maker and a cosmetics line. Ms. Conrad's team says it has refused a number of other offers, including a jewelry-licensing deal with a home shopping network. A department store offered to pay a six-figure fee to put her name on a clothing line but wouldn't give her any design input. "I wanted to have full creative power," she says.


To help her get her current clothing line, MTV approached Steve Friedman, the owner of Tangerine Promotions in suburban Chicago. The firm specializes in "tchotchkes, trinkets and trash" with company logos, he says, and MTV is one of his biggest clients. Although Tangerine has no experience in contemporary women's apparel, Mr. Friedman agreed to team up with MTV. The two companies share the financial risk.