Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

It's funny that the AutoTune massacre "Somebody to Love" is being billed as Meester's first track, since the song "Birthday" was all over the internet this spring, but that doesn't make it any better. Meester is just the latest in a long line of small-screen ladies who want to hit the top of the charts. Plug your ears and try to stand the drone of AutoTune

Leighton Meester
TV Show: Gossip Girl
Musical Project: "Somebody to Love" (2009)
Gets Points For: Convincing Robin Thicke to sing with her and being Blair Waldorf.
Loses Points For: Not sounding like a creature that is found in nature.
Horrible-ometer: 7

Kim Zolciak
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Musical Project: "Tardy for the Party" (2009)
Gets Points For: Having a good beat, being a little catchy, and making Andy Cohen dance. Also says she has no desire to sing again.
Loses Points For: Did you watch her try to sing on the show? There's more robot than human on the track.
Horrible-ometer: 4

Heidi Montag
TV Show: The Hills
Musical Project: A number of singles, including "Body Language" (2009)
Gets Points For: Stealing from pop geniuses Yaz
Loses Points For: Have you heard this thing? The beat, the chorus, the singing, everything is disgusting.
Horrible-ometer: 10

Brooke Hogan
TV Show: Hogan Knows Best and Brooke Knows Best
Project: Two albums, Undiscovered (2006) and The Redemption (2009)
Gets Points For: Persistence.
Loses Points For: There's a reason you were undiscovered, and, sorry, there is no redemption after this.
Horrible-ometer: 6

Jo De La Rosa
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Date My Ex: Jo and Slade
Musical Project: Unscripted (2008)
Gets Points For: Going away.
Loses Points For: "Singing" the song "Rumors" about how she can't stand people talking about her after she signed up for a reality TV show.
Horrible-ometer: 7

Hayden Panettiere
TV Show: Heroes
Musical Project: A number of singles for Disney movies, "Wake Up Call" (2008)
Gets Points For: Sounding a little bit like Gwen Stefani.
Loses Points For: Not being punk enough to carry off a reggae-inflected slow jam.
Horrible-ometer: 4

Jamie-Lynn Sigler
TV Show: The Sopranos, Entourage
Musical Project: Here to Heaven (2001)
Gets Points For: Giving up the dream.
Loses Points For: Not making fun of it on Entourage. You will not reach heaven until you atone for your sins.
Horrible-ometer: 4

• Leighton Meester caused a scene in a Hamptons restaurant when she encouraged her friends to scream the Happy Birthday song loud enough to drown out another table of girls singing the same tune. The other diners were probably not amused. [Page Six]
  
  
• The attempted reconciliation of Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn has failed. As you may recall, Penn announced a few months back that he was putting acting on hold to focus on repairing his family, but Robin reportedly wasn't interested. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hotel peephole video victim Erin Andrews of ESPN appears in a "dirty" photo spread in the new issue of GQ. [Daily News]
  
  
• In addition to screwing over all of his clients, Bernie Madoff was allegedly putting the wood to some of the secretaries in his office at Madoff Securities. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Lindsay Lohan just can't catch a break. Over the weekend she attended some fancy event in the Hamptons filled with fancy people and then her creepy dad showed up and stalked her all over the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna celebrated her 51st birthday at an Italian resort with her children and her fetus boyfriend Jesus Luz. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Shania Twain is the latest lady to take a turn at being a judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul. [EOnline]
  
  
• Well here's a damn shocker! NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives fame says that she was once a stripper back in the days of her reckless youth and she's quite proud of it, mind you! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a another damn shocker! Sandra Bernhard isn't really much of a fan of Sarah Palin. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lady GaGa posed nude for the new issue of Out Magazine, but there's no frontal shot so we still can't verify whether or not she has a peen. [Sun]

• Twilight star Ashley Greene, rumored to be dating Chace Crawford, is the latest in a long line of starlets to have nude photos leak onto the internet. [Gatecrasher and Fleshbot (NSFW!)]
  
  
• So much for that little diet of hers — America's thuggish, chicken riot-inciting overlord, Oprah, ate her way through Manhattan over the weekend, making stops at the Times Square TGIFridays for potato skins and Dylan's Candy Bar for Starbursts and Hershey's Kisses, just like your average Midwestern tourist. [Page Six]
  
  
• No celebrities want to appear on Amy Sacco's dumb Bravo reality show, because Amy Sacco and her little nightlife empire and over and dead! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a bright little ray of sunshine to warm even the coldest heart — Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are giving it yet another go! [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper were spotted over the weekend boarding a plane to Spain. Though they've yet to confirm their coupledom, traveling overseas together is pretty much a dead giveaway, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Jessica Simpson recently got dumped by the epic tool quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and now she's scared to death in Japan after an earthquake made her pretty blonde little head worry. [Sun]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars Leighton Meester and Sebastian Stan are reportedly deeply in love with each other, so much so that they plan on moving in together very soon. [Page Six]
  
  
• So not only does Cameron Diaz now resemble a character on Nip/Tuck, but she also has armpits that have the audacity to sweat profusely, an unfortunate trait for someone who's photographed as often as she is. [Mirror]
  
  
• Finally, at age 35 and after years of drinking, drug use, nonstop partying, rocker dude-boning, etc., Kate Moss is beginning to show some wear and tear on that beautiful face of hers. [Daily Mail]

• Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie, supposedly. Also, the novelty of dating her A-Rod proxy, Jesus Luz, has worn off, sources say, which is besides all of her Kabbalah friends being like, OY, A GOYIM NAMED JESUS?! Madge, babbeleh, step off it. Anyway, now that Madonna's learning the whole Big Yellow Taxi Theory firsthand, maybe she will stop tearing down trees/divorcing husbands who are probably good for her in the long run and shtupping men who're half her age. Also, getting to write about Madonna and Kabbalah reminds me of this 1998 MTV VMA performance where she did this ridiculous Shanti chant that segued into "Ray of Light." Two things: (1) in retrospect, this moment makes so much sense on the Timeline of Madonna Being Ridiculous as it was clearly kind of an important one and (2) the VMAs, man: they just don't make them like they used to. Watch Lenny Kravtiz get on stage with Madge for "Ray of Light" and come to terms with the fact that you just don't have it in you to be as ridiculous as Madonna. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Star reporter and Star-fucker Kate Major thinks Jon Gosselin needs to be alone right now, and I think Kate Major needs to go to a decompression tank or something. She's the succubus of celebrity reporting.
  
  
• A bunch of Long Island teenagers in Great Neck freaked out and basically shut down a road after they saw Leighton Meester shopping yesterday. They had to, like, call in the SWAT team or something just to keep these kids at bay while Meester perused the racks of a, let's see, a Steven Dann store? Can someone tell me if that's impressive or pedestrian? No offense to Great Neck - okay, offense to Great Neck - but it can't be that impressive if she was shopping in Great Neck. Also: why was she shopping in Great Neck? The only truth to Page Six items is that, like religion and drugs, they only lead to more questions. [Page Six]
  
  
• In what's clearly a Richard Johnson-penned item, Joan Rivers, who's now like 109, hired three security guards to watch over her penthouse apartment "to make sure that guests weren't tempted to swipe any of her tchotchkes." Oy. Paranoia reigns supreme, but then again, Rivers' tchotchkes could probably be sold to the Natural Museum of History, so there's that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tracy Morgan and his wife are getting a divorce, and hopefully Morgan will remain stable without her, but for some reason, I don't think this is going to happen. Am I the only one on this? [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Sienna Miller told Conan O'Brien that she burned her boobs on the set of G.I. Joe after an explosion went wrong and her bra caught fire. I'm sure this won't encourage the young delinquient masses who're G.I. Joe's sad target audience at all. At. All. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Fanboys, appreciaite the sacrifice of Robert Downey Jr. He still hates getting in the Iron Man suit, and called it "torture." Most other celebrities I'd be like, psh, whatever, they're getting paid $20M to walk around in an Iron Suit and we can't even see their faces but it's Robert Downey Jr. Former crackheads receive the benefit of the doubt in instances like this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Gerard Butler's thought about having sex with Jennifer Aniston, and it's like, really? This is an item? Also, dude, you'd be getting John Mayer's Wonderland-esque Body's Sloppy Seconds. And then you'll think about John Mayer's O-Face. And that's about that. Also, is Butler not, like, everywhere lately? Please someone tell me how he likes his eggs because seriously, that's got to be the next item on him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson did something in private and People reported on it. [People]
  
  
• Ha. There was a wire profile of Lady Gaga and they didn't mention the rumor about her supposed peener. [Reuters]
  
  
• Shannon Elizabeth and some dude she was dating from one of those dancing shows broke up and Tweeted it. It was amicable, which Twitter obviously wasn't meant for. If you're going to end a relationship on Twitter, you need to make it a holy mess, or else, there's no point. Seriously. Just do the real thing where nobody can see it and live a normal life. [People]

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

• Tennis star and lover of Enrique Iglesias Anna Kournikova got into a fight Saturday night at a club in Vegas after some random woman threw a drink at her for "invading her space." [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester sings and acts in a new Gossip Girl-y video she stars in for Cobra Starship's song "Good Girls Go Bad." And yes, the song was written and the video was shot prior to the news that Meester's talented feet were the star of a new celebrity sex tape to hit the internet. [Daily Intel]
  
  
• Michael Jackson looked frail but appeared to be getting his groove on in these photos taken during a rehearsal at the Staples Center shortly before his death. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Chris Brown was supposed to take part in a Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards on Sunday night, but Jay-Z stepped in and torpedoed those plans. [Page Six]
  
  
• Alice Hoffman isn't just attacking people who offend her delicate sensibilities on Twitter—She recently attacked a blogger who was moderating a discussion about her new book at a Barnes and Noble store. [Page Six]
  
  
• Actress Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is moving to New York to attend school at Columbia, where perhaps she can follow in the footsteps of her fellow thespian James Franco and sleep her way to a degree. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jude Law, currently starring in a London production of Hamlet, strolls through the streets of the city coolly sipping on frappucinos. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sacha Baron Cohen got a taste of his own medicine last night when a Bruno imposter showed up at the movie's Australian premiere in a pink stretch Hummer filled with a bevy of scantily clad dancers. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have released the first photos of their new twin girls, who were recently delivered by a surrogate mother in Ohio. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mariah Carey got done up as an Eminem-type rapper for her new video for her song "Obsessed." We can't wait for Eminem to respond with a video in which he dresses up like a hideous-looking Mariah Carey, because you just know he's going to do it. [DListed]
  
  
• Lady GaGa claims that she's been doing volunteer charity work since she was two years old. [UK Sun]

Planned Parenthood is mailing condoms to college kids in their welcome packets, which would be totally passé in developed regions of the country. But this was in Missouri!

Chief among the university's concerns, Smart said, was an ad for Planned Parenthood with a condom attached. In bold type at the top of the insert are the words: "Welcome to MSU!"...

Smart said the university had received nearly a hundred phone calls about the material — mostly with concerns about the Planned Parenthood ad.

Haha! I thought that sort of protest went out of fashion in the 90s. Missourian parents are total throwbacks! For the more jaded kids in first-world parts of America, Trojan has paid for some product placement in the new Cobra Starship video, starring Leighton Meester and some young jerk in white sunglasses, who "makes it rain," with condoms.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Not since Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, a member of R&B girl group TLC, wore a condom in place of her left eyeglass lens in the 1990s has safe sex received such a starring role.

It's only one small step from this to "making it rain" with American Eagle t-shirts, or cans of Pepsi, or Taco Bell spicy chicken wraps, which is a trend much more disturbing than the trend of telling kids about condoms. Priorities, Missouri.
[Gannett Blog, NYP]

• Anna Wintour's main event-planning-lady - who she's had around for 11 years - is leaving to go spend time with her family. Her resignation probably came with an ambivalent scoff regarding weakness and moral fortitude, and as soon as she closed the door to Wintour's office, Wintour collapsed in heaving sobs. Probably. Maybe. Okay, that shit absolutely did not happen. [P6]
  
  
• Hollywood's Rapid-Fire-Speech Power Couple, West Wing actor Bradley Whitford and wife Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm In The Middle) are getting a divorce; they have three children. Want to tear up? Here's Whitford's famously charming and gracious Emmy acceptance speech in which he lovingly thanks Kaczmarek for her support of his career. It was going to be 17 years in August, and this is the second celebrity divorce announcement of the week (the first was Billy and Katie Lee Joel). [People]
  
  
• Last month's speculation Gisele Bundchen was preggers with Tom Brady's baby is now confirmed. No word on whether the child - like Brady's other baby - has a penis, or if it's right-handed. New England waits with baited breath. Meanwhile, somewhere late last night, the Manning family wardanced around a black cauldron and threw live lobsters into lime and burning sulfur. [NYDN]
  
  
• Gah! The Governator was on a flight when the cockpit filled with smoke and had to make an emergency landing. Everyone's fine and nobody had to "GET OUT OF THE CHOPPAH" because they were in an airplane, obvi. [TMZ]
  
  
• T.R. Knight made some stuff up about how sad he is to be leaving Grey's Anatomy, probably just to keep his agents from performing self-immolation in a Century City back alley. [People]
  
  
• Radio midget Ryan Seacrest was chillin' with Lindsey Lohan Thursday night until the late hours. Hey, whatever, I just work here. [E!]
  
  
• Woody Allen wants to put the moves on Carla Bruni. On behalf of all nerdy, sexless Semites everywhere, I say: Go with God. [NYDN]
  
  
• American producers of Britian's Got Talent are looking for their own Susan Boyle. Imagine that conversation: "Yeah, of course she can sing like Sarah Brightman, but unless she's seven and has a tumor protruding five inches out of her forehead, we're gonna have to pass. Sorry." [NYDN]
  
  
• Men's Health stud-in-chief Dave Zinczenko doesn't give a shit about swine flu. He had some party where they ate a bunch of pig. Meanwhile, the only men buying Men's Health still remain the ones who will never have AWESOME ABS IN NINE SECONDS. [P6]
  
  
• Beyonce totally stood up Manhattan nightclub Mansion - sorry, M2 - on a date. But the best part of the item is that M2's owner - Joey Morrisey - gets referred to by his last name throughout the piece. So it reads like the former lead singer of The Smiths and the former Destiny's Child frontwoman are about to throw down. Which would be awesome. [P6]
  
  
• Gossip Girl mom Kelly Rutherford is worried her ex-husband might run for the border with her kids. Josh Schwartz is somewhere taking script notes. [TMZ]
  
  
• Page Six watched Leighton Meester's sex tape - or, okay, "several different sources" coughNeel Shahcough - and notes that her feet are definitely the stars of the show. This was reported yesterday, but Gawker can't actually verify this until Managing Editor Gabriel Snyder approves an expense on the company card, so until then, turn to Page Six for all your hard-hitting Leighton Meester sex tape play-by-play action, which they will probably have the exclusive on before us. [P6]
  
  
• Heh. The Busey continues to spit game at whatever immortal age he's at. TMZ caught him at the beach talking to a gaggle of girls, though in all likelihood, he was probably lecturing them on the chi of the sand vulture's post hunter-gathering expedition sex rituals. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hugh Laurie could care less what happens to House. "I don't care what happens I only care how it happens. House could become a nun or an arms dealer or a transvestite," the Emmy-winning actor noted. Okay, House becoming a nun or a transvetite? Seriously great ideas, though. Either would get me watching the show again. [Showbiz Spy]

• TMZ is reporting that someone is shopping a tape of Leighton Meester and her ex-boyfriend having sex. The tape is supposedly a few years old but features Leighton showing off her "very talented feet." Let your imagination run with that one! [TMZ]
  
  
• Poor Robert Pattinson was just trying to shop for some books at The Strand when he was being harassed by those pesky teenage girls who were trying to sex him right there in the store, so he ran away into the street and got clipped by a cab. What a punk. [NY Post]
  
  
• Jennifer Garner obviously thinks that Kevin Smith is a fat, vulgar slob, according to Kevin Smith, and she is doing everything she can to destroy the man-love that exists between Smith and her husband, Ben Affleck. [Daily News]
  
  
• When Brian WIlliams leaves the news desk to broadcast from the newsroom, producers run all the fatties out and bring in the good-looking interns to pretty up the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Susan Boyle has been dumped from the Britain's Got Talent tour after she launched into a bizarre rant about her beloved cat, Pebbles. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Beyonce has pissed off some Chelsea club owner because she had agreed to make an appearance at the club's opening for $100,000 but backed out at the last minute. What's a $100,000 these days anyway? [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is still terrorizing England. The other night she was playing a show in Manchester when she became confused about where she was and yelled out, "what's up London?!" This didn't go over well with the Brits, who are sensitive to these kinds of things. [Sun]
  
  
• Kristen Bell is looking all hot in these pictures of her running around on the beach in Hawaii, but then there's a picture of her playing around in the water with her boyfriend, Dax Shepard, and that just kills all fantasies completely. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Christiano Ronaldo brought three girls back to hotel, not for a foursome or anything like that mind you, but for Pepsi and checkers and an episode of Fawlty Towers or something, because that's what European soccer stars do. [Sun]

While the increasing likelihood that someone has eschewed new music in favor of retreating into the nostalgic coziness of her iPod has made the idea of a genre-spanning "summer jam" less and less likely through the years, New Yorkers do have a somewhat dubious advantage when it comes to songs of the hottest season: Our lack of reliance on cars, which results in us actually having to hear ambient noise that we haven't picked after endless scouring of file-sharing sites our completely legally acquired musical libraries. Below, seven tracks that you will likely be subjected to should you decide to spend headphone-free time in the city's agora.

1. Flo Rida, "Sugar"

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The Sunshine State-repping MC has figured out a way to escape one-hit wonderdom: Egregiously "interpolate" the most annoying hits of the past, and employ singers almost more anonymous-sounding than Flo while doing so. Mr. Rida has followed the success of "Right Round," which rode the hook of Dead Or Alive's "You Spin Me Round" to record sales on iTunes, pretty ingeniously, releasing a track will have sane people everywhere on an as-instant-as-possible hunt for its hook's source material, so as to eradicate it from their brains / answer their synapses' incessant braying of "what was that?" And you thought you'd never have to think of Eiffel 65 again.

2. Kris Allen, "No Boundaries"

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Sure, the American Idol coronation song is dreck that newly minted judge Kara DioGuardi probably penned in hopes of finally severing ties with the show, which put her through a season-long hazing that ended in her revealing her ribcage to America on Wednesday night. But the playlists of the adult-contemporary stations that blare into your local Duane Reade are notoriously sclerotic, and new songs have to generally have a non-musical hook—hello, shiny crown sitting on the head of this year's sweetly smiling Idol victor—to even make it onto even the wee hours' playlists. Get ready to climb hurricane mountains and travel nowhere roads every time you need deodorant!

3. Jeremih, "Birthday Sex"

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R. Kelly's recent efforts have been subpar—hey, he's distracted—but this track from R & B newcomer Jeremih, which centers on the idea of giving good loving in honor of one's natal anniversary, can certainly, ahem, slide into the "Ignition (Remix)" void.

4. Black Eyed Peas, "Boom Boom Pow"

You are probably already sick of the Black Eyed Peas' minimalistish new single—and its remixes, and its attendant HP-advertisement video, and Pepsi's insistence that lead Pea will.i.am is our generation's Bob Dylan, and Fergie's crazed eyebrows, and that whole dumb hologram thing. But that's the whole point of the Black Eyed Peas, really. In that way, they represent America in 2009 better than any other pop-cultural entity.

5. Cobra Starship feat. Leighton Meester, "Good Girls Go Bad"

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Previous efforts by these dayglo-drenched synth-rockers have been too smart for the degraded landscape of late-decade pop by half, but the presence of Gossip Girl's Leighton Meester on this track should at least attract the ears of people waiting for her star vehicle's season-three premiere. (Personally, I prefer her co-star's efforts, but I also thought L7 was better than Roxette back in the day.)

6. Passion Pit, "Sleepyhead"

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Sure, it's more likely that you'll hear this in a bar than at your local Fresh-blaring bodega—but then again, it's only been 10 years since LeN's "Steal My Sunshine" ruled the pools, and it sure would be nice for a similarly left-fieldish hit to make an inroad or two into the black pits of yarl that are rock radio's everyday playlists.

7. Cage The Elephant, "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked"

Anyone who has nostalgia for the 1990s to the point where they wish that the decade would "come back" would do well to listen to this effort by Kentucky outfit Cage The Elephant, which sounds kind of like what would happen if the Butthole Surfers' "Pepper" were rewritten by members of Asher Roth's frat. Between this and the double-barrelled reunions of Limp Bizkit and Creed, we might be better off looking toward the future as a rule.

Honorable Mention: Journey, "Don't Stop Believing"

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What was that about looking forward? Oh, right. Well, this track was just resurrected by the cast of Glee—and let's face it, it pretty much trumps every other song on this list.

Begrizzled homo-loving son of a gun Sean Penn will be starring in a film about drugs. It's a Brian Grazer-produced film called Cartel and is a sorta revengey, child protect-y kinda movie. [Variety] David Ayer, who's previously dazzled us with such fare like the baroque LA crime flick Harsh Times and the broke-ass LA crime Keanu Reeves movie Street Kings, has received a seven figure deal from Regency to write and direct a film called Last Man, about American soldiers in space dukin' it out with frakking aliens. [Variety]

Fox has picked up the screen rights to the book Mr. Popper's Penguins. They plan to turn the 1938 publication into a thriller about what happens when the air conditioning is on too high at the Abbey. [Variety]

Begrizzled immigrant-loving wielder of a gun Melissa Leo, of Frozen River Oscar nodding, has signed on to a new HBO pilot. She'll be playing a lawyer in Treme, David Simon's New Orleans-set followup to The Wire. [Variety] Meanwhile at a project of completely equal prestige, former Ugly Betty transsexual Rebecca Romijn has signed on to play the lead in the Witches of Eastwick pilot for ABC. [Variety]

Michael J. Fox is returning to television, in a reality show called Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, in which he travels the world spreading good cheer. You just shut yer damn trap right now, Limbaugh. [Variety] Meanwhile a TV star of today makes Bambi steps toward movie stardom. Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl will star in the totally-mid-90's-ish thriller The Roommate, about a college student whose roommate becomes obsessed with her, Single White Female style. In that movie, Jennifer Jason Leigh was Bridget Fonda's, um, roommate. [THR]

Oh awesome. The wonderful Missy Pyle, Chris Parnell, and Deanne Dunagan are set to star in a CBS comedy pilot. Parnell and Pyle have been doing funny work in TV and film for years now, but Chicago actress Dunagan is probably best known for her ferocious, every-award-possible-winning turn in the play August: Osage County. She'll play a Southern mother making things difficult for an East Coast-transplant couple. [THR]