1. Andrea Peyser confronts the mom of a 16 year-old shooting suspect about why she is such a bad mom that her kid would shoot somebody. Answer: Because she is selfish and she lets her son hang out with his relatives thugs. Black people! Why can't they raise kids the right way? "There do exist real fathers. Take Federico Grullon. He won't allow his three kids to leave the house."
Black kids should be shackled at all times.

2. Did you know there is a soup kitchen now for orothodox Jews? And other Jews are facing foreclosure? But Jews are the ones with all the money!

So — shhh! — The United Jewish Appeal has started Connect to Care, which already has given more than 8,000 needy Jews financial services, job help and mental-health counseling to get through unfamiliar territory.
Just don't expect anyone to admit it.

3. "If Johnny Depp is the Sexiest Man Alive, I'm swearing off men." That one wasn't totally unexpected.

So, yes, Showtime and Ilene Chaiken, creator of the lesbian soap The L Word, have again teamed up to pipe even more lesbian drama into America's homes. They're being mum on the details, so we're offering some of our own:

• Considering that Chaiken will be a part of the show, there's no doubt in our mind that some lesbian power couple will be included. Ellen and Portia are way above such antics, but we would settle for Jamie Babbit and Andrea Sperling, who brought us But I'm a Cheerleader and, yes, worked on a few episodes of The L Word. Plus, the couple has two children, so we can all get a "two mommies" moment.

  
  

• While we're on the subject of Hollywood's lesbian machine, how about inviting Top Gun actress Kelly McGillis to appear? She just came out and that always brings drama.

  
  

• It would be good for Chaiken to include a young dykette. Sure, she may not fit the "housewives" criteria, but you know how the lesbians love to take a youngin' under their wing and help them fly. Maybe McGillis can be the teacher.

  
  

• Now, we know this isn't likely, but we'll bring it up anyway: The L Word was great both for its over-the-top drama and its unabashed lesbian sex. We're sure there won't be any sexxx scenes on this new show. Titties, however, are definitely encouraged. Maybe a lesbian stripper trying to make it as a singer? We would also settle for a lesbian stand-up comic. Who shows her titties.

  
  

• We also envision a butch dyke worker who has a hot-ass wife who spends her days on Rodeo Drive shopping and getting her nails just right. Also, a woman with a really girly profession, like secretary or teacher.

  
  

• Please, please don't have anything centering around the gay and lesbian community center. Yes, we're glad they exist and all, but they're a total drag. And the lighting's always so hetero.

  
  

• No fat chicks. (Ha! We kid, of course. Don't hurt us!)

1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

But his next target? Jessica Simpson, played by a woman with more weight on her than the singer has.

In case you miss it, there's attention paid to her "fat." Also, she is eating a burger whenever possible.

Reference is made to Amy Winehouse, but we'll get to her later.

A Kim Kardashian look-alike also plays a part in this video, intimidating mere mortals with her otherworldly ass.

Next we see Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson doppelgangers. The lyrics: "Lindsay, please come back to seein' men: Samantha's a two, you're practically a ten." The way "seein' men" is rapped, it sounds like "semen."

Then Eminem, dressed as Spock, puts a sleeper hold on "Uhura."

Right after Em mentions Ellen and Portia, (he says, "Sorry, Portia, what's Ellen DeGeneres have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?") we see Sarah Palin, showing bra.

The Asian playing Inuit and the polar bear seem cribbed from SNL.

But Eminem doesn't just make fun of women, or reality stars. He makes fun of himself. Here he is as Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man, which is not only a tip of the hat to critics who say he is nothing without his producer but Em's own way of toying with the notion that he's the "idiot savant" who only knows one thing —how to rap — and not how to behave in public or be politically correct.

But it's about 3:13 miuntes in, when Eminem — as Spock — visits "Planet Womyn" — that will probably get people all riled up. This barren wasteland of butch dyke sterotypes finds Em fighting "Sam" Ronson while "Lindsay" looks on…

… From a cage. Homophobia alert.

Still, after dressing like Elvis and making out with "Amy Winehouse," it's intersting that Em is seen doing this:

Sticking the body of Kim Kardashian in a wood chipper [shades of 'Hustler'? Or 'Fargo'? -Ed.] , and watching cash come out. Because honestly, as the chorus of this song goes, "We're the ones who made you." It's easy to make fun of these women but to also see that they are targets, and in most cases, the more we talk about them, the more money they generate. Celebrity is a business that eats people alive, and there's an entire layer of this video which acknowledges this fact.

And "Sarah Palin" pulling off "Bret's" bandanna to find him bald is just hilarious, and something we have all speculated about.

While Eminem's video might be sexist and homophobic and also a little bit funny, at least he doesn't let himself off the hook: He's in the electric chair, getting fried.

By turning the attacks on himself, the video feels more like a zany free-for-all and a nihilistic look at one man's lost place in society than a straight-up attack on women and gays. It's not especially shocking; especially considering the kind of lyrics and videos hip-hop is known for. But judge for yourself:

Eminem — We Made You [This Is 50]

Just to give you a sense, here's the first sentence of Brian Stelter's profile of the Issues host in the New York Times:

Jane Velez-Mitchell is a true-crime author, a television talking head, a lesbian, an animal activist, a recovering alcoholic and a vegan.

OK! The anchor also has views on dysfunctional families and how many children is too many, but just to take a brief detour into, you know, her job: Velez-Mitchell boosted ratings last month 74 percent over the conservative commentator who had her slot last year beating competitors Keith Olbermann of MSNBC and Campbell Brown of CNN among 25-to-54-year-olds, the viewers advertisers covet. So being openly an gay news anchor is no barrier to ratings glory.

But then CNN already knew that, thanks to Rachel Maddow, whose quickly-successful MSNBC show debuted about two months before Velez-Mitchell was (quite abruptly) pressed into service (she'd been a "glorified freelancer," according to the Times).

Velez-Mitchell's ascent was probably independent of Maddow's. But the two anchors have each drawn enough viewers to make a solid case that you can be openly gay (and even in one case a recovering alcoholic) and a huge success in TV news. It might not be easy, and it's not for everyone, but it's possible. And that's kind of heartening.

Chalk it up as a positive side effect of advertisers' otherwise annoying obsession with reaching younger viewers.

Still, the lesbian goddess giveth with one hand while she takes away with the other, for no sooner did the two marry than details of a sapphic Hollywood breakup emerged involving the famously "gone gay" Lindsay Lohan.

According to News of the World, Lohan's assignation with Samantha Ronson isn't her first walk on the same-sex side. In fact, they quote an anonymous source that fills the tabloid in on all the steamy details that surrounded Lohan's relationship with Courtenay Semel (daughter of ex-WB topper Terry Semel).

“From the start Lindsay was very confused about her feelings for Courtenay so did more and more drugs to stifle the sexual attraction she was experiencing.

“But eventually she just gave in and at every party they’d kiss and touch each other in the corner. It’s a miracle nobody found out.

“Both of them would do lines of cocaine in the toilets then head home and fall into bed together."

Sadly, those strong romantic underpinnings were eventually undone by Lohan's refusal to go public, though her relationship with Ronson would be considerably more higher-profile. As for Semel, she moved on to Tila Tequila, the bisexual MTV star who was just quoted in the AP's Degeneres article: "I just want to say congratulations, and I am really sorry you didn't invite me to your wedding." Though it may seem like there are hurt feelings in the small world of Hollywood power lesbians, we're sure it's nothing that can't be settled by a day trip to Long Beach and a round of $2 domestic beers at Shotgun.

• Ellen DeGeneres marries lesbian partner Portia de Rossi in sunset LA ceremony [Daily Mail]
• My secret lesbian lust with Lindsay Lohan [News of the World]

Other quality threads include,

• "omg— did the criminal search thing and found SO much on my brother. so sad."
• "what would you buy for 100.00 at Bendels?"
  and finally:
• "i think i have finally decided to go ahead and have my tail surgically removed."
  
  Like... a devilish gossip tail, similar to Satan's? We have no idea.

[via Multicult Classics]

First of all, the rumors actually have some foundation. The duo were photographed cuddling at a party on P. Diddy's yacht in Cannes, a high-profile affair at which Lohan and Ronson kissed very publicly. They've also been spotted together in New York, L.A., and Chicago. Lohan's Dad is all duh, saying that the nature of their relationship is "evident to anyone with half a brain."

That means nothing. Photos can be misinterpreted or staged. Paris Hilton has made out with other girls, and nobody thinks she did so for any reason other than a need for attention. Even if the two were actually dating, Lohan's crush could be put down to the bisexual experimentation of an emotionally needy 21-year-old. And the Mean Girls star's creepy father Michael is so desperate to reinsert himself into his daughter's life that he'd say anything.

But tellingly, there's been no denial of the speculation from Lindsay's camp. Her PR rep Leslie Sloane said simply that the two are "close friends." Dina Lohan was quoted in US Weekly saying that Samantha was a "a sweetheart" and "the best spinner around," praising her DJ skills. Celebrity weekly insiders are convinced the romance is real—and serious.

Here's what's cool: Lohan has been entirely matter-of-fact about the whole affair. She's continued to appear in public with her rumored lover. There has been no moaning from her about private-life intrusion from the media, and no cries from her cougar mom to "Leave Lindsey ALONE!"

Of course same-sex relationships aren't as scandalous in Hollywood as they once were. There are plenty of openly gay actors and TV personalities, from Ellen De Degeneres to Jodie Foster. But they tend to be much much older when they come out—actors, for instance, when they're no longer up for parts as the heterosexual romantic lead and have less to lose professionally. In the case of leading man Cary Grant, for instance, it was only decades later that his "roommate" Randolph Scott was revealed to have been his lover.

So Lohan's openness is a big deal, and it's awesome! Despite her bouts of rehab and some unfortunate recent roles, she's young and still has most of her career ahead of her, so the stakes are high. Lohan acts as if she's in love with another woman—and she's put her personal happiness over any standard Hollywood career logic. Lohan's love has conquered all! She may be a mess; but someone give her one of those GLAAD awards for surprising us all as a modern gay hero.

[Photo: Celebrity Vibe via People.com]

Ms. Decker, 27, one of the movie’s directors, seemed a little embarrassed by her own limited experience.

“The sad thing is, I desperately need to get with a girl,” she said, adding that a few stolen kisses was all she could count on the female side of her sexual ledger. “I just didn’t want it to be some random woman.”

At least Decker is honest about her "desperate" attempt to jump on a trend. Given the tenor of the launch party for her documentary, it would have been hard for her to bill the film as a serious examination of female sexuality:

At the after-party for the screening, at Vlada on West 51st Street, the culture seemed to be shifting in several directions simultaneously. A woman in Ziggy Stardust makeup, wearing a prosthesis cast from a man’s penis, participated in a simulated sex act. A while later, the woman, Amy Ouzoonian, a dancer and performance artist, made out on a couch with a mannish woman in a black suit.

The documentary apparently does throw out some mildly interesting facts as it retreads the old idea that women, like men, tend to find women more stimulating to look at.

What really matters to women, Dr. Chivers said, at least in the somewhat artificial setting of watching movies while intimately hooked up to a device called a photoplethysmograph, is not the gender of the actor, but the degree of sensuality. Even more than the naked exercisers, they were aroused by videos of masturbation, and more still by graphic videos of couples making love. Women with women, men with men, men with women: it did not seem to matter much to her female subjects, Dr. Chivers said.

“Women physically don’t seem to differentiate between genders in their sex responses, at least heterosexual women don’t,” she said. “For heterosexual women, gender didn’t matter. They responded to the level of activity.”

So, generally-straight women like watch women masturbating and having lesbian sex. Interesting. Someone should do a study on the sexual appeal of a video of two disingenuous women going through the motions of a lesbian fling and then rushing to exploit the affair for cash and/or bragging rights. Who knows, maybe that'll still be hot! And bankable.

[Times]

Barring legal challenges, gay couples can begin marrying in California starting June 17. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will eventually wed, but the wire services needed some examples of couples getting into the spirit now, or maybe some archive stuff from the gay marriages four years ago in San Francisco. Reuters surfaced the picture on the left; the Associated Press the one on the right. As Daniel Radosh notes, "Ninety thousand lesbians in California, and the AP just happened to find the professional belly dancer. That's what I call a nose for news." Maybe there was some smart thinking behind the AP's strange new celebrity news division; the wire service has already learned to think like the paparazzi. [Radosh]

It's not like we didn't see this coming, although even the most cynical of marketplace buyers probably wouldn't have guessed the accompanying snapshots might be the biggest pick-up of the festival. And really, is this tame glint of intimacy any more suggestive than the hickeys, cohabitation, cattiness and mutual shopping excursions of their recent, torrid past?

Whatever. Hey, look! Another glowing Che review from Salon's Andrew O— What? You want... Oh, for Christ's sake. Fine. Just this once, though:

Here are a few fantastic round-ups of aQuentin Tarantino lecture from the other day. We admit we've always had a soft spot for his cockiness, his divisiveness, his... What? OK, OK — but this is the last one! We mean it!

Ahem. So. The Variety review of Charlie Kaufman's directing debut Synedoche, New York is about as cautiously optimistic as critic Todd McCarthy gets, at once praising its ambition while pointing out its certain doom among buyers, viewers and history alike:

Like an anxious artist afraid he may not get another chance, Charlie Kaufman tries to Say It All in his directorial debut, Synecdoche, New York. A wildly ambitious and gravely serious contemplation of life, love, art, human decay and death, the film bears Kaufman's scripting fingerprints in its structural trickery and multi-plane storytelling. ... On the most superficial level, many viewers will be nauseated by the many explicit manifestations of physical malfunction, bodily fluids, bleeding and deterioration. A larger issue will be the film's developing spin into realms that can most charitably be described as ambiguous and more derisively will be regarded as obscuritanist and incomprehensible.

"Obscuritanist," Todd? Really? We liked it so much better when we could just read from afar without feeling like it's our turn in a Scrabble game. Anyway, one of these films from the last week of dispatches will claim this year's Palme D'Or on Saturday; we'll bring you the news when it happens, assuming it immediately precedes or follows another torrid, yachtside lesbian encounter. Otherwise? It can wait.

• Looks Like Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian, Kissing Samantha Ronson [Egotastic]

• Dean talks about people he knew who used to frequent a lesbian club in LA. "A few times, I spotted "Asia," a 1990s female R&B singer who had an amazing voice and a number of widely successful ballads during that time. She started as a background singer, but her powerful voice proved she needed to be up front as a solo artist. Her short body was topped with her huge, curly hair. Asia made a number of love songs, and her claim to fame was her rendition of a sexy remake of a song originally done by an '80s icon."
• "There was a beautiful television sitcom actress, 'Daisy,' and her actress best friend, 'Lisa.' These two women have been friends for a number of years and are always together. Daisy had done a number of successful sitcoms and got her start in a Broadway musical. Her multirange vocals were often showcased on one of the sitcoms she co-starred on. She often plays a fiery and fiesty character...However, I suspected that Lisa, a former singer and popular comedic actress, was at the club only as support for her."
• "There were also a host of WNBA players, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. It's always been rumored that most of the women in the WNBA are lesbians."
• "'I don't give a fuck!' a curvaceous woman yelled. 'She better bring her ass over here!' Everyone turned around to see who was making such a fuss. It was award-winning female rapper/ actress, 'Sheena.'...This wouldn't be the first or last time I'd see or hear about this female rapper/ actress attacking her partners...When she made an appearance on Keenen [Ivory Wayans'] show, I couldn't imagine her being as violent as I had seen her that night because she was the nicest and sweetest person. She had a striking presence, but it was really her walk that made her appear as if she was pimping."
• "Lola was an R&B singer/ songwriter who had recently moved to Los Angeles from New York. She was a staple on the New York scene, partying with big name celebrities. Her skills caught the likes of super duper producers DeVante Swing of Jodeci, Stevie J, and Dallas Austin. She'd made a noteworthy album, and the critics were eating her up. Her style was a hard-edged rap with a little rock and R&B. Her new single topped the charts and was receiving a lot of airplay...

  As much as Lola wanted to be a trailblazer and open doors for other gay artists, she was still part of a machine. Lola had to do what the label told her to do. She was still at their mercy and on their dollar. In videos and on album covers, her look was softened with dramatic makeup, luxurious hair, and seductive clothing. It was like night and day seeing her transformation."

“'They get crushes,' she said in her office at Sky Sport & Spa, her penthouse gym in Beverly Hills with sweeping views of the city and the Hollywood sign. 'I have hard-core women that get major crushes. I have women that send me—this is the weird thing—I have women that send me photos of themselves with their husbands and three teenage boys or whatever—I’m just giving you an example—with a love letter attached.'”

But when you can't actually find any wedded women who'll admit for the record that they'd like to have... you know... actual lesbian sex times with Jackie, just hit the Net!

"Those who can’t afford the $400 an hour fee have joined social networking groups such as 'If Jackie from ‘Workout’ hit on me, I’d definitely reconsider my sexuality.' As a woman with the moniker LibbytheCute put it in the interactive magazine Zimbio.com. 'I’m straight. Very straight, and even I would seriously consider batting for her team.'" [NYT]

We will leave the decision up to you, the educated Defamer reader, to decide whether or not Page's brevity in conversation and pleasure in killing cows means she wants to hug another woman with her legs in friendship. Us, we're more disappointed in her too-cool-for-school attitude and reluctance play along when Jay lobbed a few "So! What kind of tourist-y things do you do here in LA!" jokes at her (mostly involving dinosaurs, tar pits, and dinosaurs in tar pits). Not to mention yet another wisecrack about how Kev was voted Sexiest Vegetarian a thousand years ago. No Tonight Show guest, no matter how above it all, can be forgiven for allowing Jay to speak or think on his own for that long.

• THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

Browhilda Frown-Free has just about everything a once desperately ambitious, unknown actress could desire: fame, wealth, notorious love, Academy Award notice, great bone structure, fab hair, free cosmetic procedures for the taking—everything but the freedom to love the one she's (really) with. Don't worry though, babes, Brow's been down this fake-amour alley before. She's a friggin' pro at navigating the affectionless twists and turns of the overly photographed.

Howev, BFF's latest man experience—heady as it all may be—has become slightly more than Browhilda's used to, what with her past liaisons of coolly arranged get-togethers. You know the age-old ersatz Hollywood plan: A couple goes out for a red carpet whatever; then they go in for separate, much more private dalliances with their same-sex partners. Brow's had this setup with almost every man she's hooked up with before.

But Ms. F.F.'s latest dude—who's more than happy to bed every slobbering femme he can find—has turned out to be far messier than Brow-babe would prefer. Not only does he womanize with indiscretion, he's stupidly starting to make a loud and rather visible stink about Brow's increased devotion to her current g-f. How does that Shakespearean saying go? Oh what a tangled guy web we weave, when at first we hetero deceive? Watch out, Brow, we be onto ya!

[The Awful Truth]