Just in time for Veterans Day, last week Amnesty International U.K. released a two-minute video, "Waiting For The Guard." The clip shows the recreation of interrogation techniques apparently permitted by the CIA. It's quite dramatic—but to what effect?

The video promotes Amnesty's Unsubscribe campaign—they want online signatures of folks who wish to "unsubscribe" from the interrogation techniques used by their governments in the "war on terror." Currently, they've collected over 65,000 names.

The torture interrogation techniques dramatized are "Stress Position" and "Belly Slap." How it works is, if the prisoner relaxes or falls from his position on the rickety cardboard boxes, he gets beaten. Detainees released from Guantanamo have reported use of that the technique—and that the beatings were more severe than open-handed strikes to the abdomen.

Anyway, the detainee actor was convincing wasn't he? However, the "Can you go to the window and blow Daddy a kiss?" line by the interrogator was just plain ridiculous. For me, that turned the (admittedly well-produced) video into something more like a goofy movie trailer.

The video was done by London ad agency Drugstore. When opportunities like this one come up, ad agencies worldwide eagerly elbow each other out of the way for the chance to produce some sexy pro bono work. It allows them to "do some good" for a change— it also adds some luster to their T.V. reels full of the usual fast food and soft drink commercials.

But what positive effects, if any, do such beautifully-produced public service ads have on the public? Awareness? Entertainment? Are you now going to go "unsubscribe" from your government? Or are you going to develop a fondness for German S&M videos?

It's the Americans versus the Finns; the venerable Leo Burnett ad agency versus the hottest shop in Scandinavia; Kellogg's All-Bran cereal versus Levolac brand laxative. Both spots use cute visual metaphors to illustrate colon clogging and unclogging. Which commercial is better? To the figurative fecal matter!

First up, it's the Levolac spot via Bob Helsinki. (Yes, that's the firm's full name). They chose to go with a negative approach—showing people bottlenecked in revolving doors and such to remind us all how uncomfortable constipation can be. But not to worry!

People: They're pieces of shit! The quirky music really makes this spot go. Listen closely, and you can sort of hear simulated gas gurgling sounds. The copy translates as:

Even if you're constipated
no need to feel ill-fated.
It's so easy to do a poo
with Levolac helping you.

Anyway, I'm sorry Finland. Nice effort. But, the first annual Golden Turd Award, representative of outstanding advertising vis-á-via feces, goes to the Americans! We're #1 (with #2)!

According to iRobot's new advertising for its adorable little auto-vac, Mom is in charge of cleaning up after her pig children and jackass husband. Literally! But since it's tongue-in-cheeky, we shouldn't get our panties in a bunch, right? Riiight. Until the writer of the commercial says he's specifically targeting "Chief Home Officers." Ding ding ding goes the sexism alarm!

"The Chief Home Officer in our spot realizes that cleaning up after her family is a never-ending chore," said David Bernstein, executive creative director at The Gate, IRobot's agency. "But at least she can delegate it to a robot."

"Delegate it!" See? Moms can be bosses, too! VPs of Sanitation. Char-women of the floorboards.

And so on. Whatever, just watch it!

Aw, her jackass husband is her best friend. Nice save? And dig that campy 1950s, "Leave It To Beaver"-esque music. See, they think by showing us that they know it's a dated setting makes the insulting stereotypes copasetic.

But sexism aside, the commercial just plain yanks, doesn't it? Humans as barnyard animals! Who'd have thunk that craziness up! The ad is from an "edgy" ad agency that claims to be all about killing "sacred cows," naturally.

Whatever. The product's a goddamned high tech robot, built by a company that makes bomb disarming machines currently helping our brave men (and women) in Iraq and Afghanistan! Where's the cool demonstration of its capabilities? If I'm going to let a robot "do the dirty work," I want to know exactly what the drone can do.

Unless of course, the product isn't as efficient as advertised. But MIT roboticists with a lucrative government contract would never mislead the heroic American Mom, would they?

Many of you have probably seen the wince-inducing "Viva Viagra" TV spot now airing in the U.S. (Fun/sad fact: the drummer in the band is Dorsey Wright—Cleon from "The Warriors.") But what are Viagra commercials like in Canada? Turkey? In woman-hating Saudi Arabia? Well, they are all both more entertaining and more effective. To the videos!

First stop on the artificial hard-on ad tour is Canada. Much like here in puritanical America, erectile dysfunction advertising up north can't say anything remotely sexual. A couple of years ago, Pfizer was forced to pull a U.S. TV ad in which the V in the Viagra logo rose up behind the head of a suddenly flush man, forming glowing blue devil horns. To avoid any such marketing coitus interruptus, Toronto ad agency Taxi decided that saying nothing and yet, wink wink, everything was the best approach. I know it gave me a "chuckwubble"!

Next up (semi-heh) is Turkey. Though the directing and editing and acting and music on this 60-second spot are amateurish (it would have been much better as a :30), it still serves as a fairly effective product demonstration. Put blue pill in mouth and—boing!

Finally, this is how they sell stiffy-stiffeners in Saudi Arabia. It's my favorite of the three because it's brief, simple, cheap, and it does the best job of branding Viagra: Blue=Hard.

This concludes your world E.D. tour. I hear through ad scuttlebutt that Pfizer absolutely adores the Viva Viagra abomination (which is via impotent, bloated agency McCann Erickson). This makes me sad. Because just like with condom advertising, America comes up limp again.

Previously: The Great Diaper Wars

I hate babies—no no, not your little heavenly angel! But really, I hate them so much that I can't stand to walk down the diaper aisle in supermarkets. But now, we're all in that diaper aisle, as we happen to be in the middle of a pissing contest between Kimberly-Clark's Huggies and Procter & Gamble's Pampers. K-C is running a T.V. spot that claims that Pampers apparently fit brick-shaped babies better than human babies—and the matter has been dragged into court. Let's take this to the playground!

Here's the spot. It's the first diaper commercial I can remember that doesn't involve the pouring of beakers full of yucky blue liquid to show absorption (ew). And don't worry: unlike previously, there are no visible shit stains.

Last Thursday, a federal judge denied a motion by Proctor & Gamble to stop the Huggies ads from airing. P&G calls Huggies completely full of crap, saying in a statement "We don't think K-C's advertising is fair or accurate or serves consumers well." P&G is also seeking triple its damages for lost business and harm to reputation. Big babies!

Huggies countered by telling Pampers you'll always be 'No. 2' in the two+ billion dollar U.S. diaper market. "....[T]here is a clear and real difference between the two products in question," according to Deb Bauer, who is the marketing director for Huggies. "The ad itself was clever and humorous and effective at getting that point across."

P&G? You're in some deep doo-doo. I think you need to take this brick thing and literally throw it right back at K-C. Maybe shoot some commercials where you throw bricks through Huggies showing how badly made they are, or something. Get your agency on it—at the very least, stop whining about it to your lawyers.

This summer in Munich, a ubiquitous subway poster featured a photo of a woman's ass. And not just any ass; this was an ass that should be used as an erectile dysfunction test by urologists. This ass belongs in a Museum of Modern Ass. When we speak of history's great asses, this is the kind of ass of which we speak. It is the platonic ideal of ass. But! German do-gooders covered many copies of this arsche with posters that called this ad sexist. When you see what was being advertised, you'll probably agree. What follows is Not Safe For Work. Unless you work in Germany. Or at Ass Weekly.

Click to make this ass larger.

The headline translates as: "Actually, we are a serious career forum!" Of course you are. It's a poster for a career expo at the Technical University of Munich. Okay. Searching my mind for a non-sexist reason why a woman's tight, hot ass would be in this...LOOK AT THAT GODDAMN ASS! That thong is doing some serious flossing!

Maybe this perfect ass is a metaphor for the perfect job? Or perhaps they're intimating that women with asses like this one don't date directionless dudes? Or... no, of course it's just baldy simple: a career forum at a technical university is going to draw mostly single men. So to guarantee maximum attendance, they did a casting call of women's asses, picked the best one, shot it, and Photoshopped a tattoo of the forum logo on it. To show at least a nod in the direction of an idea, I would have liked to have seen some rolled-up technical drawings tucked under her arm, or something.

I had a dream last night about this ass. True story! It belonged to an American woman who was playing basketball and had a sweet jump shot.

[This post is dedicated to departing editor Alex Balk, just about the only other person around the Gawker environs uncouth enough to stare, unblinking and slack-jawed, at the above ass.]

[Balk Note: Choire, please double-check the editing on this particular column; for some reason I'm not able to focus properly on the words.]

Previously: How To Get Head In Advertising

Hear that giant sucking sound all around New York City? It's Advertising Week 2007—an annual event during which industry blowhards perform acts of love upon themselves so expertly and enthusiastically that it would wow Ron Jeremy. Last night, festivities got under way with Panic! At The Disco at the Nokia Theater. And it goes downhill from there!

At noon today, Panasonic sponsors Saving Darfur—how advertising has helped "educate, motivate and mobilize the international community." Hmm. I would say... job not very well done! But, Mira Sorvino, Goodwill Ambassador for Amnesty International, will be there. So, take notice, Janjaweed.

Nobody makes up buzzwords like otherwise useless marketing boobs. Last year, it was Brand Sirens and Focalysts. Tomorrow morning at 8am in the Time Life building, it will be "Passionistas"— the new empowered consumers. That's you-all! It lasts four hours. Craig(slist) Newmark will be there, trying to stay awake.

In the evening, 36 "leading luminaries" (My guess? Between 0 and 2 women) huff and bluff their way through a Texas Hold'em tournament at the Friar's Club. Ad honchos are probably generally pretty good card players, since they often lie right to clients' faces when asked, "Are you sure this campaign will increase sales?" All winnings go to charity. I'm kidding.

At 11am on Thursday, New York Times ad columnist Stuart Elliott—who I've been reading for about 20 years, in which time he's never written one column that I would deem to call "creative"—moderates a CEO Summit on "creative breakthroughs." If you can force yourself to leave that crackling discussion an hour early, you can catch AOL Presents "How to remain a leader in the interactive marketplace today." Yep. AOL.

But really, this week is about one thing: Oral.

Previously: Condom Ads About Contraception? Not In America.

Shocking admission time: I have used condoms. How did I learn about this non-babymaking coupling accoutrement? Not through condom advertising. Maybe next century! Our lack of condom ads is just another reason for Europeans to point and snicker at us. Let's open our American eyes to some of those oh-so-racy international condom ads. Maybe we'll learn something!

First, a little background. This week's AdAge reports on the TV networks' continued unwillingness to run condom ads, despite the ever-increasing number of sex acts portrayed during programming. Two of the four major networks rejected a silly but harmless "don't be a pig" Trojan spot. In a written response to Trojan, Fox gave this reasoning: "Contraceptive advertising must stress health-related uses rather than the prevention of pregnancy." How self-contradictory! And also incorrect, as the Trojan commercial certainly doesn't stress birth control.

Well, Fox, here's a commercial (via the Swiss Federal Office of Public Health) that certainly stresses a health issue, albeit using naked fencers and hockey players. It's not safe for work. Or America!

Touché! And this from the long-time world leader in Staying Out Of Things. I'm pretty sure though that it's impossible to contract an STD during a naked superbike race.

On to a couple of downright dirty Durex print executions out of Singapore that stress neither health-related issues nor pregnancy prevention. They stress doing it: It's a balloon animal sex show from Pervy the Clown! Jeez, check out that "scissors" position, below right. Now that's a bottom. Careful not to pop him!

Meanwhile back at home, at least according to the T.V., everybody must be using the Rhythm Method.

Previously: Is It Too Soon To Use The Burning Twin Towers In Ads?
[Images via]

Many agencies gladly put overused iconic images such as the Statue of Liberty in ads. It's profitable: dumb clients understand the concepts and usually buy them. It's easy: no long hours spent coming up with something original. However, manipulating pictures of those two mortally-wounded monoliths is still way off limits. But not in France! Earlier this year, the Paris office of my good buds BBDO exploited them—but for a good cause. Trees! Take a look.

The ad is for the ecological organization Défi Pour La Terre (Challenge for the Earth), in association with the Nicolas Hulot Foundation. This is the sort of European style super-clean layout that makes jealous American art directors touch themselves. Even the logo's wonderfully tiny!

Is the ad insensitive? How bout if they'd added a couple of falling leaves? (Ah! That's what it needs!) More to the point, is the ad effective? Does it make you want to get off your ass and do something? Maybe lobby your Congressperson in the name of Kyoto?

Back in 2005, MTV was evidently squashed by Uncle Sam in their attempt to use the burning towers to draw attention to AIDS, hunger, and homelessness. Those are digitally-rendered stills from a commercial that apparently ran only once before being pulled.
But you can bet at least a few copywriters and art directors have presented ideas to their creative directors using the image. Maybe even some of boards have survived to make it to a client presentation. After all, photos of the burning Hindenburg have been used in ads. So when will the towers no longer be verboten? 2011? Never?

Previously: Al Gore Needs Some Ads
[Image via]

Four major ad agencies are currently putting pretty green bows on their world-saving ideas promoting the Alliance for Climate Protection—the organization founded by former vice president Al Gore. The agencies will be presenting proposals to Gore himself early this month, maybe even this week. I've got some ideas. I'm sure you do, too.

"The world probably doesn't need much more meek communication on the issues of climate change," said David Hessekiel, founder and president of the Cause Marketing Forum in last week's AdAge.

I agree. That's why I spent exactly 90 minutes of my precious Labor Day thinking up some, um, ideas. All are TV spots/Web videos.

First choice: Al Gore, dressed as a penguin, on a white seamless soundstage. The floor is covered with stacked blocks of visibly melting ice/pools of water. Gore performs a lip-synching strip-tease to "I Melt With You" by Modern English, slowly disrobing down to green briefs. He then turns around as the camera zooms into climateprotect.org in white letters on his underwear.

If Gore wants traffic, this would drive more visitors to his fancy website than the gravitas-y tripe that's probably going to end up airing—after 100 different eggheads all put in their two cents.

OK, here's a few less-thought-out ideas...

• A group of bright, spunky pre-teens sitting around a campfire discussing global warming while toasting marshmallows made to look like mini-Earths.
  
• To the chorus of the song "Sixteen Tons," factory workers shovel dead penguins, baby harp seals, ermine, etc. into furnace fires.
  
• Backed by a full orchestra playing "Hail to the Chief," Gore, dressed in his best blue suit, white shirt and red tie, spends 60 seconds tongue-kissing a globe.
  
• All of the above, copyranter©2007.

  Can you do better? Probably! Give it a whirl, so that when the real, staid commercials start airing later this fall, we can look back here and see what might have been.

  Previously:
  Beautiful Anti-Gun Ad Makes Ya Want To Shoot Stuff!

UK ad conglomerate Abbott Mead Vickers/BBDO has produced one of the coolest PSAs you'll ever see. They got a former Navy SEAL to shoot eggs and apples and stuff and filmed it at 10,000 frames per second. Will the commercial help stop gun violence? Probably not. But it really sexes up the agency's TV reel. After the jump, watch stuff go ka-BLAMMO!

The commercial, tagged "Stop The Bullets. Kill The Gun," is part of London hip hop station Choice FM's "Peace On The Streets" campaign.

That water bottle explosion was wicked sweet, huh? Watching the video took me back to my grandparents' dilapidated Appalachian Trail cabin, shooting coffee cans and jugs of water from the back porch with a .22 semi-automatic rifle, the cans flipping in the air almost before you heard the report. Damn that was fun.

Anyway, back to the issue of whether or not the spot works as a deterrent against gun shooting. Jeff Beer of AdAge site Creativity thinks it's "effective," but he doesn't say why or for what. Gun possession is already illegal in England and first time offenders face a minimum of five years in prison. So who, exactly, is the spot supposed to be targeting? The criminal gun-runners/sellers? Teen gangsters? If I was a teen gangster, after seeing this fetishizing of gunplay, I'd grab my piece and head to a deserted area and start blasting away at watermelons. In fact, the first 50 seconds of this video would make a perfect opening for an NRA PowerPoint recruitment presentation.

The release of this commercial coincides with the shooting death of eleven-year-old Rhys Jones last Thursday, the latest in a string of inner city gun crimes in the UK. Maybe, as a result, British TV stations will pick up and run the spot for free and air the fuck out of it. Maybe, that'll do something.

But really? This beautiful piece of film was shot so that a couple creative directors and associate creative directors, and a bunch of copywriters and art directors who had nothing to do with its creation could all put it on their reels. Heck, after writing this piece, I think I'll put it on my reel.

Previously: Does This Ad Make You Wanna Smoke, Sluts?

Congresswoman Lois Capps (D., California), is fuming because women's magazines won't stop running ads for women's cigarettes. They won't even write her back! She's thinks it's "hypocritical" for the pubs to run the ads intermixed with editorial about tofu and other healthy crap. Uh, you've come a long way, baby?

Here's the latest ad from the new campaign for Camel No. 9s—the campaign that's got Capps crapping her pantsuit.

Ooh, baby—black on black, hit the sack, wearing five-inch stilettos and smoking a 100mm ciggy.

Congress claims the ads target underage females. In February, at a Senate hearing about the campaign, Ohio Democrat Sherrod Brown said, "It strains the imagination to think this campaign is aimed at anybody other than 15, 16, 17-year-old girls — something that's pretty morally repugnant."

This is balderdash. If RJ Reynolds was targeting kids, they would've put a Hillary Duff Fashion Fever™ Barbie® in the layout, leaning against one of the packs. No, I think the ads simply target slutty Jezebels. And looking at Capps, she appears to be the complete opposite of a slutty Jezebel. Seriously lawmakers—either ban all cigarette advertising, or shut the fuck up and move on to more serious health concerns, like maybe universal healthcare.

The campaign is apparently working, as sales of Camel No. 9 cigs are strong. Does the ad appeal to you sexy lady tokers? Does it convey the light luscious sweet taste of the cigarettes? Or does the deep black background conjure images of blackened lungs?

Combine this campaign with Camel's ads featuring the work of tattoo artists like Scott Campbell, and evil RJ Reynolds is clearly leading the pack in hip tobacco advertising. Time to step it up, Philip Morris.

Previously: The Poopy Pants Commercial

Alli, known to some of you as prescription diet drug Xenical, has racked up $155 million in over-the-counter sales in only five weeks. It's got a nasty side effect though—anal leakage. Sudden anal leakage. So a competitor has now prudently dramatized this sticky problem by showing a woman crapping herself while out to lunch with her friends.

Generix Labs, maker of competitive diet pill Leptopril, released this laughably amateurish video that looks like it cost about 20 bucks to produce. But at least the shitstain looks very real.

Even more amateurish then the video is the Generix spokesperson's mock shock reaction when none of the networks would air it:

"I can't believe they all rejected our commercial," lied Generix's Gina Gay. "The networks are willing to take GSK's [GlaxoSmithKline, marketer of Alli] money to run positive ads about Alli, [but] seem disinclined to offer the public the other side [the backside!] of the story."

A response letter from CBS read, in part: "We believe that the extended discussion and depiction of excrement fails to meet a premium standard of good taste and may offend a significant portion of our audience."

Me? I would love to see more of this negative smear (zing!) campaigning by advertisers. Forget your own product, sling the, uh, mud! "Drink Coke: Pepsi's slightly higher sugar content is more likely to rot teeth, cause diabetes, etc." "Eat Pork: the other non-bird-fluey white meat, etc." "Alpo: Slightly fewer chopped-up horse vaginas then Gravy Train, etc." Let the new age of comparative advertising begin!

Previously: Intel Ad: Stupid? Or Stupid And Racist?

The reason why most ad copywriters and art directors get in this business is that it allows us chances to think up ridiculously silly scenarios to sell products. I once got to work with a monkey to sell a pen. Thanks to online video, silliness in advertising is on the rise. That's great. But some of the silly is silly for silly's sake. And that's really painful.

Below is a new spot for Skittles. It is good silly.

It is good silly because, despite its unbelievable premise, it somehow has a feeling of truth to it. The casting of Tim has a lot to do with that. We're sold that he really has this affliction. And it sells Skittles, without "selling" Skittles. It leaves me wanting Skittles. Lots of them, and I don't even eat much candy. Mmm, Skittles.

It also reminds me of a candy campaign that didn't work. A few years ago, Snickers transparently tried to become more of an "adult" product by telling me to eat a candy bar at work at 3 p.m. for a pick-me-up. Now, I haven't reviewed any recent data on surges in adult candy-eating, but those kind of strategy statement TV spots usually don't cut it with consumers.

Now, here's a new two-minute "viral" video for Ray-Bans.

Much like a previous Ray-Ban dry-humping video, it's simply a stunt—and not a very good one. It gets stale quick. The "creatives" behind these videos (the agency is Cutwater in San Francisco) apparently think they are "artists," not salespeople. They would argue that it's a short film, man. It's viral, it doesn't have to sell product, dude. It even has that oh-so-hip scratching turntables music, to appeal to the kids! Terrible. This attitude behind the ads is bullshit. All agency creatives are salespeople and every thing they create is a sale tool. This video doesn't sell Ray-Ban sunglasses, no matter how many "views" it gets. It sells silliness.

Previously: Let Go Of My Lego!

After 15 years, it still amazes me on an almost daily basis how baldly stupid my job is. "We really like the ad, Mark, but could you make it 10% less edgy?" But there are jobs out there stupider than mine—jobs like "Certified Professional Lego Consultant."

I found out about this new vocation in, of all places, The Economist. According to Lego, consultancies are now setup in 25 countries. In these "Serious Play" workshops, business managers and such are given sets of the Danish firm's trademark colored plastic bricks and asked to build bridges and towers, but also abstract representations of corporate strategy or "the people you hate the most" in your company.

Companies like PricewaterhouseCoopers and Google have held Serious Play events. I recently attended a $7,000, two-day New York Lego workshop on Gawker's dime. Asked to build a character that best represented my boss, managing editor Choire Sicha, I designed Axonn, wearer of the Great Mask of Truth. Note the colossal curse-word cleaving axe in his right hand, and the powerful exclamation point laser gun in his left. [Ed. Note: Suck it!]

Lucio Margulis of Juego Serio, a consultancy in Buenos Aires, says the workshops are effective because playing with Legos produces "Eureka" moments not regulated by conscious thought. When I leave advertising, I think I may start CEO coloring book seminars.

Which brings me to the actual reason why I wrote this stupid Lego post—to show you the first ad I ever did for my first assignment in my first week at ad school. I played with some Legos for a few days, before coming up with the idea.

This was my "Eureka" advertising moment: Cute picture + word play = sold ad. If you'd like to see (and mock) the second and third ads of the campaign, here they are.

Previously: The Most Horrible Ad Ever

It's a lot of fun making fun of advertising every week. Ha ha, Kenneth Cole's a heel. Ha ha, Donny Deutsch is a cad. Ha ha, I'm a lazy shit. But then one week, somebody emails you an ad that's not fun, and hits you so personally, it makes you sick.

The above ad is from 1981, which was around the time that asbestos manufacturers were starting to take serious heat for their cancer-causing product.

"Asbestos contains fire, cannot burn and holds up after metal and glass have melted away, giving vital time for people to escape," reads the third paragraph copy. Also, note the tagline. For New Yorkers, this ad is of course ridiculously, tragically ironic. But it is not as a New Yorker that this ad hits me so hard. It's as a son.

Continuing with Overshare Month here on Gawker, my father has asbestosis of the lungs, thanks to working for 37 years as a millwright-pipefitter at a DuPont plant. His condition, and that of many of his now dead co-workers, was kept secret for years by plant physicians.

He's been having sharp pains around his heart the last few weeks. These pains can be the first and only warning sign of Mesothelioma—lung cancer caused by the inhalation of asbestos particles. Once you're diagnosed, you likely have less than a year left. The fact that my dad was a serious runner for 30 years is probably the only thing that's saved him. Doctors are baffled by his ability, at age 70, to kayak faster and longer than athletic men half his age. In 15 years of my own competitive running, I beat him in a road race once.

A thin-slice CAT scan showed no change in his lungs and no tumors, thank fucking goodness. My father deserves to live to 100, and I believe he may yet do it.

I'm sorry for the bring-down. Let's all return to the warm embrace of sarcasm!

Dad.

Previously: Let's Write Some Hooker Ads!

Last week in AdAge Lenore Skenazy got her panties (or whatever her choice of undergarment is) in a bunch over the adult classified ads in the back of reputable newspapers and magazines—she claims they're for hookers! The ads also upset me—they're boring! I've lined up three ads for alleged Ladies of the Night. Let's see if we can come up with some come-ons.

Back In May, I took a stab at writing lines for a SheMale escort ad. This time, I grabbed the latest copy of the Village Voice and turned to the "adult bodywork" section. It's spread out on my desk right now. My art director Keri just walked by, shaking her head.

First up, Yoko. As you may or may not know, the adult classifieds are chock full of Asian women. So Yoko needs a little something else to break through the clutter. Iif she's gonna use that name, then I think she's gotta play it up:

• Be My John?
  
• Oh No, You've Never Had Better.
  
• Give This Piece A Chance.

  Next: Atasha. Yes, she certainly is a piece of (yawn) dark chocolate. I do like the fun typeface on her name, but she needs to sweeten that sales pitch!
  

• What Can Brown Do For You?
  
• Godiva's Got Nuthin' On My Box Of Chocolate.
  
• Fudgie The Tail (eh).

  Lastly, there's Ruth. Well, I applaud the effort here with the candy bar reference. But we can do a little better.
  

• Ruth Likes It Uncouth.
  
• RUTH. BABE. (big Helvetica type, ghosted over her pic)
  
• Ruth something something...

  OK, I wrote this post this morning at 8, because I had to work past midnight last night because my boss is in the goddamn Hamptons this week in his fancy house on the bay. So, feel free to write your oh-so superior lines in the comments, Or not. I don't care. I'm tired.

  Previously: The Best Ad In The World

Last week, 11,000 ad people and 33,000 ironic t-shirts clogged Cannes to witness the awarding lion statuettes symbolic of "courageous" work. The Very Important Dove "Evolution" video garnered both the top film and cyber awards. But what about print, the dying medium? The winning ad was from a New York agency. And I don't hate it!

Click to enlarge.

Above is the best ad from the winning campaign for Ultra Tide Stain Remover, by Saatchi & Saatchi, New York. (A second ad featured a handful of ninjas representing a soy sauce stain.). I had not seen the ad before this, so I'm assuming it was a double-page spread execution, or a poster. The overwhelmed group of red-uniformed football players is a pretty damn cool trick. And I admit, reluctantly, that I wouldn't mind having this campaign in my portfolio.

Now, does it sell Tide? Fuck if I know, nor—like the judges at Cannes—do I care.

In an AdAge article about the campaign, judge Julian Watt, executive creative director, Network BBDO, Johannesburg, South Africa had these inspirational words for the losers: "Go home, and don't ever say you can't do great work for a difficult [brand]."

Hey Julian baby, a little heads up from down here in the trenches—a laundry detergent ain't a difficult assignment. A urine analysis machine is, though.

Previously: Virgin Mobile's 'You Rule' Ads A Huge Failure

Now that every local blogger and even The New York Times has huffed and puffed about the smug, insensitive Virgin Mobile "You Rule" New York neighborhood ads (Murray Hill? No.), it's about time a smug, insensitive ad blogger blustered a bit.

Virgin Mobile's campaign—created by a North Carolina ad agency—has managed to piss off people in all five boroughs thanks to copy like this for Staten Island residents:

Thank you for being our down-to-earth, suburban, predominantly Italian-American cousins. To show our gratitude, we've got something for you. No, not baked ziti—cell phone plans without annual contracts...

Do or Die is more than a moniker. It speaks to the fact that you don't take crap from anyone. Especially newcomers who want to change Bed-Stuy into some sort of yuppie strip mall.

So, yes the ads suck. But even if the Tar Heel copywriter had magically stumbled upon the perfect words that made every Gotham resident perfectly happy, the ads would still suck. Why? Replace Virgin Mobile's logo with a Nike, Chase, Bud, Gawker, Trump or T-Mobile logo and, besides a slight copy tweak, nothing would have to be changed. The campaign lacks anything that ties it inexorably to Virgin Mobile—it could be for anybody and about anything. 'You rule! Buy this ___ to rule more.'

I questioned a couple of ad acquaintances who had seen the ads. One remembered them being for Verizon and the other couldn't remember who they were for. If I had the time and if Gawker actually paid me, I think a larger sampling would be just as telling. Nobody remembers the product.

Thanks for reading. You rule, etc.

The soul of an artist? More like the breath of a dead artist.
[Image: Curbed]

Previously: Does Dry-Humping Sell Sunglasses?