Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

Never mind 90210 actress Shenae Grimes, who, well, stinks. Drake, who was born Aubrey Drake Graham, actually has talent. For true! And, more than that, he's doing quite well.

His single "Best I Ever Had" was number one on Billboard's R&B and rap charts. And another single, "Successful," reached number three. Numbers, of course, don't make the man, so let's examine the aforementioned tracks.

First, "Best I Ever Had." Yes, this song's about how some "ho" absolutely wants Drake's bizness, but, despite the egotistical bravado, "Best" actually comes across as rather sweet: "You can have my heart or we can share it like the last slice." Awww, our cold heart's thawing!

Now, "Successful." We've included the video above. While Drake does sing about wanting hoes, money and cars, he also warns "too much will kill ya." There's no room for greed here, for modest success, he insists, quite charmingly, is far more important. Being ostentatious simply isn't for him. He's far too sensitive.
Even if you disagree with our take on this, hopefully you can agree the 22-year old far outshines his formerDegrassi castmates. This is assuming, of course, that the CW's Vampire Diaries, which stars another Degrassi actress, Nina Dobrev, will suck. Which it will.

Regardless of your opinion, there's no doubt Drake will get far in the wild world of music. He's already worked with the annoying-yet-talented Kanye, musical genius Lil Wayne, Eminem and Trey Songz. If that combination can't help him beat the competition, nothing will.

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha

But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

• Oh boy. Chris Brown and Rihanna both attended Game 4 of the NBA Finals in Orlando last night seperately, but a source tells People that "they requested to sit together" once they arrived inside the arena. However, they sat in separate sections in the game's first half, then retreated to the private luxury box area for the second half. [People]
  
  
• Paris Hilton isn't wasting any time getting over Douglas Reinhardt—All the British tabs are buzzing about Paris' raunchy hookup in a London club with European soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. An eyewitness tells The Sun that "they were sucking each other's faces off like their plane was going down." [Sun]
  
  
• David Letterman bandleader Paul Shaffer said that Jerry Seinfeld had handpicked him to play the role of George Costanza on Seinfeld, the role that eventually went to Jason Alexander, but he was too busy to return Jerry's calls. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Page Six has an amazing gallery up of all the slimy dudes that Paris Hilton has been banging and infecting over the years. Put on a condom before you click the link. [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt became so enamored with a painting by German artist Neo Rauch at Art Basil, he plopped down $960k for the dang thing. [Daily News]
  
  
• Lil Wayne has knocked up yet another woman so that means he'll be having two children this year with two different women, which will match perfectly with the two other kids he already has. Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new ODB! [Perez]
  
  
• Madonna has been given a green light to adopt yet another African child to add to her ever-growing collection. [Sun]
  
  
• Well, here you were thinking that Megan Fox was physically perfect in every possible way—turns out she has some sort of odd genetic condition called "clubbed thumbs." Aren't you so very turned off by her now? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Kate Winslet has long said that she would never hire a nanny to care for her children while she worked, but she recently broke down and hire a nanny. Scandal! [Daily Mail]

This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was all bent out of shape about Phelps' bong hit, giving the tired spiel about how he's a role model and he's setting a bad example, blah blah blah. She went on to claim that since he's willing to use illegal drugs to have a good time, maybe he's open to using illegal drugs to advance his career, as though weed is a gateway drug to steroids or something. Whoopi shot her down pretty quickly, and admitted to enjoying pot.

Elisabeth's argument hinged on the fact that Phelps accepts money to endorse products. One of those is Rosetta Stone, the language-learning software, which is just about one of the most sedentary activities a stoner could enjoy, aside from watching The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing The Dark Side of the Moon. (I should know, since I've been using the program to learn Spanish.) His other sponsors, like Omega and Speedo, totally don't give a shit.

And they shouldn't, because it's silly — in my opinion, anyway — to pass judgment on those who take part in something as innocuous as pot smoking, which many believe is lot less harmful for one's body than alcohol. Besides, despite the fact that it's technically illegal, so many people smoke weed recreationally that it's not all that taboo. Here's a list of celebrities who have either been caught smoking marijuana, or admit willingly to doing so.

Woody Harrelson



Woody is an activist for the legalization of marijuana and hemp.

Willie Nelson



So is Willie Nelson.

Frances McDormand



Frances McDormand was on the cover of High Times in May 2003, in which she said, "I'm a recreational pot-smoker. There has never been enough of a distinction between marijuana and other drugs. It's a human rights issue, a censorship issue, and a choice issue."

Seth Rogen & James Franco



The pair stared in Pineapple Express together, and shared this maybe real/maybe fake joint on stage while presenting an award during the MTV Movie Awards last summer.

Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore



Also friends who share.

Justin Timberlake



Timberlake, who used to date Diaz, has been very open about how he smokes weed, sometimes even with is mother. He also admitted that he was stoned out of his mind when he was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

Kimora Lee Simmons



Kimora Lee Simmons took one of the stoniest mugshots after she was arrested in 2004 for possession.

Nicole Richie



Nicole admitted to having smoked pot, as well as taking a Vicodin, when she was arrested for a DUI charge in 2007.

Paris Hilton



Nicole's buddy Paris' reefer madness has been well documented.

Michelle Phillips



Former singer from The Mamas & The Papas said as recently as 2001 that, "Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It's the greatest drug in the world!"

Snoop Dogg



Duh.

Redman



We'll be here all day if we start listing rappers.

Lil Wayne



But we'll mention Wayne for good measure.

Mariah Carey



Mariah is such a goody-two-shoes that she'd never publicly admit to marijuana use, but on her most recent album, she made plenty of weed references.

Charlize Theron



Academy Award winners like their weed, too.

AARP



In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr.

Matthew McConaughey



When McConaughey gets loose, he does so with bongos.

Dionne Warwick



Her work with Burt Bacharach was way too mellow to not be under the influence.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



They've got "Something in Common."

Sarah Silverman



Sarah speaks favorably about weed in her act, and smoked with Doug Benson in his movie Super High Me.

Doug Benson



Comedian Doug Benson has centered much of his career around pot.

Oliver Stone



He has the perfect name for someone who's been busted for pot on numerous occasions.

Dawn Wells



Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was arrested last year for possession.

Dave Chappelle

The Pointer Sisters



Oliver Hudson tells a story about his first concert-going experience, during which the Pointer Sisters were getting blazed.

Paul Dinello



It's hard to watch this Strangers With Candy clip about smoking pot without thinking that writer/actor Paul Dinello believes what he is saying.

Barbra Streisand



In a 1972 Rolling Stone interview, Babs said, "I'd take out a joint and light it. First, just faking it. Then I started lighting live joints, passing them around to the band, you know. I was great, it relieved all my tensions. And I ended up with the greatest supply of grass ever. Other acts up and down the Strip heard about what I was doing - Little Anthony and the Imperials, people like that - and started sending me the best dope in the world. I never ran out."

Phelps Backed by Sponsors After Marijuana Photo [TCPalm]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck disses Michael Phelps; Whoopi Goldberg: 'I have smoked weed' [EW]

1. His first sexual experience was at age 11, in front of a packed house.
Wayne teases a 15-year-old hanging out amongst his entourage about his virginity, leading into a graphic retelling of his "rape" ("..and I loved it") at age 11. His older friends ordered the group's Honorary Ho to service the young Dwayne Carter. "That's when I became Lil Wayne," he recalls with bravado—though his eyes suggest he's still a little fucked up from the experience.

2. He never writes anything down.
As hard as it is to believe, he stores it all in his head. Nothing gets jotted down. Not lyrics, not thoughts, not ideas for future songs. He has a portable studio that he carries around in a black bag, allowing him to record tracks literally anywhere. He says "with all respect to my man Kurt" (Cobain—a huge influence), he doesn't want his diaries sold after his death.

3. Sippin' on sizzurp is getting to be a problem.
Wayne is frequently seen pouring his beloved "syrup" into large bottles of soda and sipping on the deadly concoction. While he defiantly refuses to acknowledge it's an addiction, it's pretty obvious it is. DJ/manager Cortez Bryant, the doc's secondary subject, refuses to get on the tour bus because of how it makes Weezy act.

4. His 12-year-old daughter Reginae has inherited his rap chops.
Sitting on her bed and positively beaming with pride over her dad, Weezy's impossibly cute daughter Reginae launches into a flow ("...I'm the heir to the throne...") that would put most aspiring rappers to shame.

5. Lil Wayne For President in 2012.
You watch Wayne submit to countless interviews throughout the film, frequently losing patience with their questions ("Do you write poetry?" "Have you ever pictured your own death?"). But one question—"What would be your presidential platform?"—gets a hilarious response, in which the multi-platinum recording artist explains he'd legalize "weed first. I'd do that twice," that he'd "put cocaine back in Coca Cola," "get rid of alimony and prenups," and lift the ban on all steroids and growth hormone in professional sports.

Increases in digitally downloaded albums and songs were not enough to offset a nearly 20% plunge in CD sales in the U.S., according to year-end figures published Wednesday by the Nielsen Co.'s SoundScan service.

That's 90 million fewer CDs sold, which adds up to a hell of a lot of revenue, even if they were in the sale bin at Virgin.

Amid a flurry of problems, including the delays of several major artists' albums that had blockbuster potential, sales in many weeks near year's end were down 20% or more.

2008 Music Industry Year in Review: Not even Lil Wayne can make up for Axl Rose. [WSJ; pic via The Sun]

The British quartet fell one nod short of rapper Lil Wayne's eight Grammy nominations, with their Viva La Vida and Tha Carter III (respectively, we think) facing Radiohead, Ne-Yo and Robert Plant and Alison Krauss for Album of the Year honors. Jay-Z, Ne-Yo and Kanye West followed with six nominations each, virtually none of whom will compete against the more formidable artistry of Jason Mraz ("I'm Yours"), Adele ("Chasing Pavements"), M.I.A. ("Paper Planes"), Sara Bareilles ("Love Song"), Estelle ("American Boy") and Leona Lewis ("Bleeding Love"), who will all vie for either/or/both the prizes for Song and Record of the Year.

And finally, providing the flaming beacon around which Pop-Culture Satan's vast armies have begun their bloodthirsty convergence, The Jonas Brothers are the runaway favorites to claim the year's Bew New Artist award — after three albums. (The Emanuel Brothers, though? Snubbed!) They humbly accepted their nomination in front of millions on Wednesday night:

"I can't believe we're here today, onstage," Kevin Jonas said backstage. "We've always dreamed of being recognized for being artists," Joe Jonas said. Brother Nick Jonas added, "I think what's been very important for us is the songwriting."

In fairness, we've already established that their singing and their style are clearly subordinate, so hey — why not? May their Grammy mascotry lead us all to a more melodic, creative Apocalypse for all. And pass the vodka.

• Lil Wayne, Coldplay lead Grammy noms [THR]

• Hip-hop, rock represent at Grammys [Variety]

No best new artist for Leona Lewis; Metallica wasn't robbed but will probably feel so with a mere three lesser nominations; Katy Perry got no top category nods despite a huge hit in "I Kissed a Girl."

Apply for your visas NOW, people! And also delay going to rehab, and also avoiding getting arrested for being high out of your mind. Because then you might not get to come to the big party and get high out of your mind!

Full list of nominations

• Katie Holmes got a visit from concerned ex-boyfriend and former Dawson's Creek co-star Joshua Jackson at rehearsals for her Broadway play, a British magazine reported. Jackson had this crazy idea that Holmes has been sucked into an isolating Scientology vortex, but Holmes was still thrilled to see and de-Thetanize him. [Showbiz Spy]
• For her landmark meeting with an ex, Jennifer Aniston needed two friends along for moral support. Her drink with Brad Pitt marked their first reunion since divorcing in 2005. [Sun]
• Mary-Kate Olsen at Fashion Week: Wearing black nail polish, drinking a Peroni. [Sun]
• A Vogue photographer flew over from London to snap pictures of Britney Spears. Hmm. [Post]
• Heather Mills wants nearly $2 million for her roman a clef. [Mail]
• It's legal to auction a virgin in certain parts of Nevada, and Howard Stern will not let this situation go unexploited. [R&M]
• Jennifer Lopez will be a judge on the season finale of Project Runway. Then she'll run a triathlon. Everything seems easy after giving birth to twins. [Us]
• Lil' Wayne stomped away from his Fashion Show performance because security refused to accept that guns and drugs are just other types of accessories. [P6]
• Ashton Kutcher, high school football coach. [P6]
• Michael Jackson's unwashed underwear, collected as evidence in the usuccessful molestation case against him, somehow ended up for auction on EBay with a reserve price of $1 million. [P6]
• Sad Madonna can't sell out a New York venue like Miley Cyrus can. [Post]
• Minnie Driver and her boyfriend had a son named Henry. [People]

A riveting memoir, Hiding In Hip Hop, uncovers a hidden and well-known unspoken secret. Deep within the confines of Hip-Hop is a prominent gay sub-culture. A world that industry insiders are keenly aware of, but choose to ignore. From the testosterone of men striving to be on top and in control, to the "by any means necessary" bravado in an industry that thrives on power, homosexuality is a reality at nearly every level of Hip-Hop.

What's really surprising is that hip hop has managed to keep the identities of its gay people officially secret for this long. Rap has been big business and big money for a long time, but unlike in Hollywood—where gossip hounds have essentially uncovered the gay celebrities, who are then allowed to go about their business—the rap industry still feels that being openly gay could jeopardize an artist's career for good. Tom Cruise hasn't lost work because of the gay rumors surrounding him; Jay-Z surely would. It's a barrier that everyone remains afraid to cross. A rapper who started out as openly gay could theoretically make a career in hip hop, but it would not be a mainstream one. Even today, fostering the twin images of sex lord and crime lord are the most reliable way that MCs propel themselves into superstardom. Though this is changing (see Kanye), it's a long way from changed.

So when Hiding In Hip Hop comes out on May 13—assuming that it does out some identifiable figures in hip hop, and that it is reliable—the fallout will be fascinating to watch. I would expect immediate denials, and private reprisals from anyone named. But the real gay rappers, whoever they are, would be wise to stand up and be counted for the first time. They would go down in history for something much bigger than mediocre album sales. And the marketing opportunities would be enough to relaunch a flagging career, albeit in a slightly more bohemian arena.

If Del tha Funkee Homosapien came out as gay, no one would care. If a hardcore rapper like, say, Fat Joe came out, people would be surprised. But if one of the usual suspects like Kanye or Puffy came out, they would be positioned to use their already-deep resources to continue their careers as trailblazers. So a bit of advice to whoever may be named in the book (assuming it's true): Don't be the mad rapper. When you're dead and gone, one small step you took towards toning down the homophobia in hip hop would be worth much more than your music. And if you are Puffy, your music always sucked anyways. So go for it!

(And if anyone happens to get their hands on the book before May 13, email us.)

In today's installment: Janice Dickinson, Quentin Tarantino, Ellen Page, Sarah Silverman, Jason Schwartzman, Scott Speedman, Gene Simmons, Kristen Bell, Rachel Zoe, Adam Levine, Mila Kunis, Seth Green, Stacy Keibler, Reggie Bush, Dave Holmes, Holland Taylor, Busta Rhymes, and Lil Wayne.

Tuesday, April 1
· Beverly Hills Post Office, Main Branch: Stacy Keibler in line ahead of me, and Holland Taylor in line just behind me. Both women were gorgeous in everyday makeup and neither seemed at all "above" standing in the ridiculously long line with the regular folks at the post office. I did notice that Ms. Taylor was sending a package to Martin Sheen; how adorable.

Friday, April 4
· 8000 Sunset, @ 9:30pm: Quentin Tarantino sits not inside the arthouse cinema but instead on the newly installed tacky "patio furniture" of the renovated plaza. Talks with a Lisa Loeb look-alike, but she has long black hair, and is not an actress type. They sit next to each other, but facing, on a park bench. Tarantino wears no hat, a black leather jacket, jeans, & black Asics soccer style low tops with white socks that I can see because of his awkward bench positioning. All I hear him say is a rat-a-tat-tat "Yeah, yeah, ..uh huh, of course" while jutting his chin out as Loeb-alike talks. Both hold paper coffee cups. The HQ for TMZ is in the same complex - I was hoping they would look out their window.

Saturday, April 5
· West Hollywood 7-11 on La Cienega and Holloway @ 5:50am: I ran into Busta Rhymes. He was riding shotgun in a red Cadillac CTX. (the 2 seater) His buddy bought a newspaper and he looked at a people magazine and contemplated buying batteries. I was buying Gatorade and coffee. I walked up to him and said "Bus a bus?" He did not respond for a second, I thought he might be talking to someone via Bluetooth. It was only him and I and the cashier. So I said "Busta of flipmode squad" He then turned toward me and laughed, said yes and gave me a bro's handshake then walked out.

Sunday, April 6
· Brewery Art Walk: Scott Speedman wandering about alone, looked confused, cute but much stockier in person than I would have expected. Still maintain Felicity should have ended up with Noel.

· Tampa International Airport @ 6pm: I had been to the NCAA Women's Final Four, aka Lesbian Super Bowl. I stopped to get a meal at TGI Fridays to help my hang over and lo and behold at the bar I see sex god (?) Gene Simmons! He was conspicuously leaning on the bar, facing out, scanning the restaurant. I couldn't get over his ridiculous hair.

Monday, April 7
· Hollywood And Highland: Treating some out-of-town relatives to the sight of other people's out-of-town relatives staring at the sidewalk, I took refuge at the Sephora. As weekend celeb sightings are rare, particularly at touristy places, I was a bit stunned to see Sarah Silverman browsing the skin care section. She looked just like she does on television, which is... or is not... a compliment.

· Beverly Center Chipotle @8pm: Reggie Bush. Short and stacked. Pretty sure the black on black Bentley in the fifteen minute parking was his. Unfortunately it can't compete with my '92 Subaru.

· Red Lion: Dave "I Wanna Be A VJ But for Some Reason Jesse Camp Won that Show but now he's working at a pet store or so I heard" Holmes was at Trivia Night (and even on the winning team). I don't know if they showed up especially for trivia or just happened to be there. He was with a group of about 12 completely average seeming people, including one guy that must have been his brother because they had the same vaguely smug but disarming look about them.

Tuesday, April 8
· Mani's on Fairfax @ 8pm: Saw Jason Schwartzman grabbing something to go from the bakery. Cute, short, almost as exciting as the delicious piece of cherry pie I was devouring mid-sighting.

· Graumann's Chinese Theater: I'm at Graumann's Chinese theater and I'm about 93% sure I am sitting behind Janice Dickinson. I have not seen her face, but she keeps yelling at the ads before the movie. Now I'm 100% sure. She keeps commenting loudly after every trailer. This was so worth the 11.50 per ticket. When she walked out of the theater she said "yawn" loud enough for pretty much everyone to hear. Awesome. Whore...she's also totally skeletal and ate two buckets of popcorn then left for a while. Bulimic coke whore...."

· WeHo Trader Joes, afternoon: i was in weho trader joes yesterday afternoon and i heard this woman on the phone talking loud and it bugged me so i looked and it was Rachel Zoe in the cereal section moving to the trail mix section stuffing her basket and talking but that wasn't the disturbing part, maybe she was feeding the homeless, not herself. but she was wearing this huge fur vest (i am not a activist but that vest could make me one) that looked like a bear was hugging her and these ridiculous shoes that she was trying to balance on and and her face was so well just so bloated looking.......people trust her to dress them?

· Hotel Cafe: Dancing With the Stars pros Mark Ballas and Derek Hough played with their band "Almost Amy." In attendance: The Cheetah Girls, Cristian de la Fuente, Cheryl Burke, Julianne Hough, Priscilla Presley, Kristi Yamaguchi, Shannon Elizabeth, Fabian Sanchez, Pasha (from SYTYCD). Derek and Shannon were looking particularly cozy after the show.

· Beverly Center Chipotle: None other than Weezy F Baby (Lil Wayne) in front of me after yet another Chipotle visit. He was in a Dodge Nitrosomething with 29s or 30s on it. I wanted to get out of my car and tell him what a huge fan I am but I was afraid of getting clapped.

Thursday, April 10
· Adam Levine, in a giant green cowl neck sweater, shorts, high socks and driving shoes; buying many spirits at Mayfair. He is slender and handsome enough to obviously not be drinking all that alone later.

· Was at the Forgetting Sarah Marshall premiere party last night, complete clusterfuck. Mila Kunis looked pretty and skinny. Kristen Bell looked pretty, skinny and really happy. Amber Heard.. skinny and wooden. Seth Green was short and friendly. The skinny guy from Superbad, the comedian with a gap in his teeth from Human Giants [Ed. Note - That'd be Paul Scheer]. Busy Phillips sort of channeling Anna Nicole. Paul Rudd - as dreamy as expected. Swoon.

Friday, April 11
· Hollywood Farmers Market: I saw Ellen Page at the Hollywood Farmers Market. She looked very Juno in a hoodie with the hood up. She was buying brussel sprouts or something similarly healthy. Good eating habits Ellen!

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

Prototypical white internet rap guy Tom Breihan of the Village Voice, analyzing a crappy new Lil Wayne video just yesterday:

The song's video is a typically glossy and show-offy affair, but I like how its garden-variety surreal plotline meshes with its airy track. As it opens, we see Wayne and Static getting ready to go out; both of them, for whatever reason, decide to wear disheveled, tore-up tuxes. A stretch Hummer pulls up outside, and they're happily surprised that it's full of video chicks. But as the song's chorus kicks in, Wayne doesn't waste much time partying with the video chicks. Instead, he opts to change into a completely different outfit and then climb onto the Hummer's roof, where he plays a fiery butt-rock guitar solo as the truck rolls in slo-mo down the Vegas strip. As gratuitous music-video melodrama goes, this reminds me of Slash walking out of Axl's desert-church wedding to play a fiery butt-rock guitar solo, a scene that may have even been Wayne's inspiration here. And I love the way that blinking whirlwind of lights creeps past him; he looks like he's being suspended in space while the world explodes around him.

Mmm hmm. Here's former Voice white internet rap guy/ fabricator Nick Sylvester, flirting with jumping off the "Wayne train":

Julianne wrote a great piece on Lil Wayne today, worth reading because it is most likely about you, the hyperfingered blogskimming danceremixing motherfucker who hasn't listened to any one song the last six months more than six times, except maybe "Young Folks." The general buzz is that Wayne is all-pleasure anymore, one moneyshot after the next, something like a rapping Girl Talk. He writes lyrics with their repurposing in mind, ready to be quoted out of context, which they happen to be from the outset. He chases tangents because he knows we're not listening; maybe he isn't either?

Am I jumping off the Wayne train? No but I feel like Drought 3 is a dare and I don't expect many people to take Wayne up. Here's a guy who can say whatever the fuck he wants on a track, free-associative, ADHD, "lyrical" or whatever, and most times it will hit really really hard, every two-bars something to take back home, a fount of one-liners that coincides with our embarrassingly short attention spans. Maybe you write these lines down in a moleskine, in a section called "@lyrics" using GTD, or maybe you have a sweet blog that needs a headline to go with an mp3 once in a while—maybe the line ends up there, cleverness by association, etc.

And here's the London crowd that apparently forgot to bring their moleskine to record Wayne's wisdom; bottle flies about 1:30 in.