We also got rid of our least favorite sub plot last night, but it was at the expense of Mr. Schuester leading our Glee kids to their inevitable sectional victory. That Sue Motherfucking Sylvester was also on a tear, and not being her sarcastic cutesy self. She was a hyena with carcass blood smeared all over her sneer, and she was out for murder. Also, everyone makes fun of the Glee kids and they love it. Next week Rachel is going to do a "You Spin Me Right Round" number in full S&M gear. Just you wait.

And we got our latte of pain with some ironic cocoa powder sprinkled on top thanks to the song selection which was all about sunshine and light and smiling. Yippee! Let's walk on sunshine through the choruses.

"Smile": Though this Lily Allen track may sound like a pretty ditty it is really a symphony of schadenfreude, with the singer laughing at the pain of her ex. How sadistic that this is what Rachael uses to get Finn ready for their co-captain yearbook shot. But before we get there, just who are these people in the band and where do they come from? If they're fellow music nerds, why wouldn't they just be in the Glee club? And how long are we going to go on using them and pretending they're not there? Shouldn't one of them get a joke or a story line or ask Mercedes out on a date or something?

These band members may just be part of the student body, which really loves defacing the Glee Club photo in the yearbook each year. Yearbooks are for doodling, but then why don't the Glee kids go and deface the cheerleaders picture? What's going to happen if they do? The cheerleaders are going to hate them and have their football player boyfriends throw Slushie in their faces? Too late. But they're a bunch of wimps, so when the principal bans the Glee photo from the yearbook so that it won't further humiliate the students, they don't protest. And why, oh why, Babygay Kurt, in your library research of past Glee photos didn't you unearth Mr. Schue's from back in the day?

Of course it was Sue MF Sylvester who really had it out for the little club that could. We don't know what happened to her at Thanksgiving, but it must have been worse than one of our horror stories, because her little quibble with the club turned into a vicious vendetta. She isn't acting because she hates them, she's doing this because she enjoys watching them suffer.

Just like all the New Directions kids love watching Rachael make a fool of herself. When Rachael, the secretary of the Muslim student's association, and Will insist that their club get a photo in the yearbook, Principal Figgins agrees, but there is only room for two people. The club elects Rachael of course. She wants the job, and none of them like her, so (like daft cheerleader Brittany says) they'll be the ones drawing a mustache on Ms. Barry.

Still, she convinces Finn to join her in the picture, and he agrees because his identity is more and more linked to being the big stud of the troupe. However, the football players are having way too much fun with his eventual humiliation. When they put a Sharpie to his face in real life, that's more than he can bear and he ditches Rachael for their modest photo shoot. Oh, the cackles of teens can be like razors.

"When You're Smiling": We only get a bar of this standard, but it's more than enough to make a point. The song is about overcoming disappointment and sadness and doing something to make your situation better, and Rachael needs that message when she's dissed by Finn for about the 7,543,319th time. He's not coming to take a picture, and he's not going to serenade you at your window, Rachael. Time to move on!

She gets into character right quick with a little pep talk reminding herself that it's lonely at the top and to stop caring what people think about her. As much of a bitch as Rachael can be, she really is quite a strong person to maintain her delusions of grandeur in the face of such staunch opposition. While her smile turns on the camera, it's her tears that really win the crowd over. By crying on demand and begging the cameraman, she books the club in a TV commercial. The whole world's smiling with them.

Quinn is trying to turn her frown upside down by getting reinstated in the Cheerios. Maybe if she got rid of that stupid side-pony-braid combination that she keeps sporting they'll let her back in. After getting kicked out by Sue and scorned by all the other girls (including the two who are in Glee with her), it's funny that so much of her status is wrapped up in being the chief flying monkey for wicked witch Sue MF Sylvester. She doesn't want her future "real" kids to think of her as some loser, but as a wonderful popular cheerleader. How is she going to do that? But forgetting her sorrow and convincing SMFS that she belongs on the squad.

The one really gritting her teeth and grinning through it is Emma, who is no longer getting married in Hawaii but at the VFW hall in Lima, Ohio, to a man that she doesn't love and doesn't have good hygiene. Of course that means she can't go with her beloved Will to see the kids at sectionals, since the ceremony is the same day, but she has decided that plunging into a life-long mercy fuck is the right thing to do and maybe if she smiles at it, eventually it will all be better. This story line is wearing as thin as an anorexic after a bout with H1N1, but we loved that Emma basically told Will to get over himself and stop assuming that she loves him. She knows pining away for him will end badly. Marrying Ken won't be much better, but she's hoping that by pouring sunshine all over it, she'll end up with a rainbow.

"Jump": Have you ever paid attention to the lyrics of this Van Halen chart topper? Me neither, and that's because they really don't make much sense. They're really just throw-away sentiment for a killer rock song. That said, we're taking the "jump" of the title to be a leap of faith or a call to some sort of drastic action.

Will didn't so much as jump, but was pushed when he found Terri's fake baby bump in her drawer. Finally, the fake pregnancy is over! Amen. It ended pretty well too. The scene between Will and Terri in the kitchen was a doozy as she desperately tries her best to manipulate him even though she knows her plot is over. The "Evil sister Kendra stole the baby bump from the maternity store" excuse was a dilly—It was so good, it's amazing it didn't work. The reason it didn't is because Will knows that Terri is one fucked-up, crazy bitch who would lie about being pregnant. He knows she's flawed but loves her anyway, for some strange reason.

Terri's rationale for why she did it is a little bit flawed. She says that Will is in love with her high school self, not the real Terri, and she had to save the marriage. That's a little hard for us to imagine, since we have no clue what she was like back then (flashback episode full of '90s classics, please!), but she knows there is something fundamentally wrong with the pairing. She blames his involvement with the club, but it's much deeper than that, and (as crazy as she may be) she's smart enough to know it. So, Will takes the big jump and moves into the Glee club's rehearsal room, where he finds a stack of mattresses, the payment for the crew's commercial.

Speaking of which, the spot in itself is a joy, but what was really great about it was watching Rachael make the jump from being a self-serving diva to doing something for the good of the team. While they all talk about how they will forget the little people when they're famous, the joy from their performance comes from the fun that they have as a collective. It's great that we're really starting to believe this. I want to be in the club too. I'd even go back to high school just to sign up. OK, maybe not...

The one who has really started benefiting from being a team member is Ms. Quinn Fabray, who uses her years under the bitchtastic tutelage of Sue Motherfucking Sylvester to save the club. When Will uses one of the mattresses, that means the Glee kids have been paid for their commercial, which is a no-no for a school group. That means the club is disqualified from competition. Pre-pregnancy Quinn was fighting to get these merry melody makers sidelined, but now that they've accepted her, she uses her scheming to get them reinstated, and with a full page in the yearbook to boot. The only gesture that Sue MF Sylvester can even feel anymore is a stab in the back, so Quinn tells her if Glee isn't resuscitated that she will rat out all the free shit the Cheerios have been swimming in for years. What did Sue write in her journal of doom about this move? She was probably proud and impressed.

And even better than besting Sue was when Quinn decided she didn't want to be a Cheerio anymore after all. She'd rather face the ignominy of being in Glee with people who care about her than the popularity of being the icy princess at the top of the Cheerios pyramid. Now she's using her scheming powers for good, not evil.

"Smile": The convention for ending each episode quickly became leaving the audience with a roaring and inspiring "11 o'clock number" (9:58pm in this instance) that will have us welling up, clutching our hearts, and loving this god-send of a show. Not this week. This song—another one about smiling through the pain—was not only bluer than normal, but also served as the background music for the Glee club's inevitable humiliation at the hands of a thousand malicious markers.

The real pain came when Will had to step down as head of the Glee Club in light of Mattressgate and left the kids on their own to lead the group. Wait, wouldn't control then go to Sue Motherfucking Sylvester, who is still unofficially the co-chair of Glee? Rather than getting them disqualified, Will would rather step down, which isn't as hard a decision to make after he saw them all come together for the commercial. Most of that responsibility rests on Rachael's shoulders, and it's inspiring to see her becoming a leader, which is as unselfish a position as she could take.

The kids even got excited about their full page in the photo book, brought to them by the letter Q and the noun "gumption." They were so jacked that Puck even worked up his delicious man guns just for the shoot (and boy, he shot us right through the heart with those guns). As Will watches on, smiling at the happiness that he's brought his group, they're all laughing, but everyone's a little sad. But wasn't Will's goal to give the kids the wonderful experience he had in high school? Looks like mission accomplished Mr. Schue. Put on your jump suit and get to an aircraft carrier.

With a stop by Sue's Corner (about how the day after Christmas all ugly people should stay inside so that her retinas could rest from seeing them) we see what is making her so angry she vowed to "innocently murder" Will: she's still smarting about losing her man to bitch-faced Andrea the anchor. All SMFS wants is to be loved. And if she can't be, then everyone else will suffer!

But it doesn't look like the Glee club is suffering at all. As sad as the final scene was—when we're left only with images of them drawn all over and defaced—it was also a bit inspiring. Sure, they might still be under the mistaken impression that no one will mock their picture now that they're "television stars," but it seems like they've stopped caring completely how everyone else feels about the club. They're having a great time, doing something they love, and have finally found social acceptance—and if that isn't enough to make you smile, than nothing is.

• A tired-looking Sarah Jessica Parker took her three children for a walk and, again, looked tired. So everyone says she has one foot in the grave and it's all Sex and the City's fault because SJP has to work so hard! Pitchforks, please. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Can you believe that someone as famous as Britney Spears has been checking into hotels under assumed names? Once those pitchforks are done with SJP-murdering Sex and the City, turn them on Spears. She's evil. [Page Six]
  
  
• Everyone and their mother's leaving at intermission for the latest incarnation of Othello, which stars Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Blasphemy! [Page Six
  
  
• Oliver Hudson, Goldie Hawn's less famous child, will soon have a second baby with wife Erinn Bartlett. Mazel! [NYDN]
  
  
• Suri Cruise's wardrobe is worth more than your impoverished life! (PS: Can you believe we live in a society where children are both richer and more fascinating that actual adults? Now, turn those pitchforks on yourselves. And us.) [San Francisco Chronicle]
  
  
• Lily Allen went out, got drunk and her sad, pathetic boyfriend had to watch. [3am]
  
  
• Famous actor Dennis Hopper has been released from the hospital, so halt your prayers. [CBS]
  
  
• The ever-wonderful Liza Minnelli will cover Beyonce's "Single Ladies," because she knows something about such matters. Well, kind of... [MSNBC]
  
  
• Katy Perry, a singer who will no doubt be remembered as a one-hit wonder, has been "snogging" Russell Brand, a comedian of some sort. She also sent him pictures of her boobies. [The Sun]
  
  
• Why are people surprised that a man as rich and connected as Simon Cowell would spend massive amounts of money on his birthday? More importantly, why were we not invited? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's been acting like more of an ass than usual since splitting with his equally horrid wife. Now TLC has suspended the reality show he left because of his "erratic behavior." Huh? [NYDN]
  
  
• A comedian named Billy Eichner recently recounted a sex session with former NYT food critic Frank Bruni, who, said Eichner at the time, has an "oral fixation." What does that even mean? He likes food? Oh... Well, who doesn't? [Page Six]
  
  
• Quentin says there will be a Kill Bill 3. Hoorah! [Page Six]

• Michael Jackson confessed to a guy named Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (or to the headlines: "Rabbi Shmuley" that he (1) looked like a lizard, (2) wanted to lock the gates of Neverland and never come out, (3) would've killed himself if it wasn't for the kids, (4) had a crush of Princess Diana, (5) wanted to date a widowed Katie Couric, and (6) that Madonna was jealous of him, wanted to have phone sex, "laid down the law" in regards to NOT going to Disneyland [Ed. She would.], and tried to unsuccessfully initiate phone sex. Even as someone who turns through gossip pages by trade, I have absolutely no idea what the fuck to do with this information, suffice to say that it's completely blowing my mind right now that Jackson could get a rabbi to listen to his shit like shit. Do you people know how hard it is to get a rabbi on the phone? These guys dispense guilt for a living, there's no confession for the Jews. So I'm thinking this Shmuley guy's a crook. Has to be. No real Rabbi has the patience for that shit, even if you are Michael Jackson. Meanwhile, this information, of course, is contained in a book called The Michael Jackson Tapes, which I have no desire to read and wish were actually just twelve demo versions of "PYT" and four of "Wanna Be Starting Something." Mama say what? [NYDN]
  
  
• Penelope Cruz visited a preggers clinic and, with Javier Bardem, is going to be giving birth to the hottest Spanish baby since Jesus started appearing on candles. [NYDN, replete with "OMG" prefixed headline.]
  
  
• John Travolta's having an emotional "collapse" over having to testify over the death of his son, Jett, in the paramedic extortion case. This is so sad, I started thinking about it and maybe got a little teary. Like, really, though: how do you live through something like this? Even Vincent Vega could not be cool, let alone the real John Travolta. Also, you know, why do we need to know this? I don't know. Here: [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• McKenzie Phillips' stepmom is mad at Oprah and her daughter for taking her family laundry out to Oprah after her Phillips' father is dead. Everyone else is like STFU MCKENZIE PHILLIPS' STEPMOM, MORE ABOUT THIS INCEST BIZNASS PLZKTHX. Ah, the insatiable public thirst for pertinent information. [US]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian—famous for being the sister of Kim Kardashian, who's famous for having a large ass—is now flashing around her engagement ring to Lamar Odom, who's famous for being an L.A. Laker. Now, on Khloe and Lamar's Whirlwind Romance Tour, one thing has yet to happen: Lamar has yet to play an NBA game. Mark my words, here and now: he's going to suck this season, and there's going to be only one thing to blame it on: the loss of brain cells, or the inactivity of certain synapses one needs to perform both complex motor skills other than man-on-top and involved, stimulating conversation. L.A., you reap what you sow. There should be legislation designed to prevent this kind of shit. You think Cleveland would let Lebron take a girl home that wasn't mother-approved? That mother, of course, NOT being Kris Kardashian. No. They wouldn't. [US]
  
  
• Har! George Clooney needed a doctor and his driver in Italy took him to a dentist. Good thing he didn't hurt his penis. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Anna Paquin's dog is going to be her ring-bearer at her wedding to True Blood co-star Stephen Moyer, because Anna hates children. Actually, I have no idea why she's having a dog be a ring-bearer, or how it's going to work, or what kind of dog it is, because I'm not going to spend another minute working on this item. I'm in a mood today, right? Anyway. Dogs! If I had a dog be my ring bearer, basically, I'd find the cat it hates most and tape it to the floor at the foot of the altar and let it go at the back of the church and pick up the cat right as the dog gets there and grab the ring off of his collar. Or that's how the plan would work. Inevitably, it wouldn't, and hijinks would ensue, though this ambition probably lowers the probability of me getting married to anything but a vaguely Eastern European clown-by-trade by at least five percent. Maybe six. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Is Sam Ronson spreading rumors about Lindsay Lohan being all over town getting kicked out of places like the Bowery Hotel? Probably. Are we past the point where we care whether or not they're true? Probably. [Page Six]
  
  
• Neve Campbell's going to return for Scream 4, but nobody gives a shit because they killed Randy in Scream 2. Though it's nice to see Neve Campbell again, I have nothing nice to add to this except to say that Scream 2 had an exceptionally good soundtrack. One example: D'Angelo's cover of Prince's "She's Always In My Hair," which first appeared on it, as well as the Eels "Your Lucky Day In Hell." God, Scream 2 kinda had some decent stuff going for it (Timothy Olyphant, anyone?), didn't it? [US]
  
  
• Speaking of Party of Five alum, Jennifer Love Hewitt still knows she's hot, and doesn't give a shit what you think, because she can talk to ghosts and you can't. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen performed a gig with diarrhea. This is funny because her music is poop. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Gerard Butler hates diets. Every time a celebrity is like, I LOVE to eat fast food, I'm like, fuck you, die, because you don't actually love it and you're just telling people that you do so they'll get fatter and you'll stay the same. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Courtney Love is just a moron. Courtney, if you're reading this, you're a moron. Seriously. You're smoking cigarettes inside elevators on the way to the penthouse for Fashion Week afterparties? I mean, I guess whoever would have you at their party would be cool with it, since you're there in the first place and they expect the absolute worst, but Jesus, don't you have a daughter, or, like, more of Kurt Cobain's estate to sell-out and consequently shame? Oy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Charlie Rose is annoyed that he has to find sponsors to back his show, but honestly, he could probably just hit up all the titans of industry he helps broker deals between for cash. Rose doesn't like to be a peasant and hit up his homies. Sorry, Charlie: that's life on the big public TV. You don't hear Tavis Smiley whining like a little bitch about Jim Leher's money, do you? No, you don't. STFU. [Page Six]
  
  
• Snoop Dogg recently fessed up to being a fan of 90s British sitcom Keeping Up Appearances. Now, let's think about this for a moment: Doggystyle came out in 1994. Keeping Up Appearances went on the air in 1990 and ended in 1995, arguably at the height of Death Row Records' (violent) reign over rap. So imagine, if you will, Snoop D-O-Double-G sneaking onto the tour bus during a particularly hard party to get high and giggle at Patricia Routledge. Well, unfortunately, he *claims* to watch it on BBC America, where they still show it. Don't believe the spin. [The Sun]

• Two shitheads allegedly tried exhort $25 million from John Travolta after his son Jett's death. If he didn't pay, they would release the 16-year's medical documents. Well, now they're on trial and poor Travolta had to testify about the 40 minutes he spent trying to save his son's life. He also admitted, finally, that his son was autistic, something he had never said before. [LA Times]
  
  
• Art imitated life for Jennifer Aniston during filming of The Bounty. A source claims that an assistant walked in on Aniston crying after filming a scene that reminded her of long-lost Brad Pitt. [Page Six]
  
  
• Conservative darling and failed beauty queen Carrie Prejean's really, really trying to hold onto those 15-minutes: she's modeling slutty Halloween costume. [TMZ]
  
  
• Ellen Pompeo had a baby. And it's a girl named Stella. [WaPo]
  
  
• Samantha Burke squeezed out Jude Law's baby a week early. We guess she wanted to get that sweet, sweet tabloid money sooner, rather than later. [Times Online]
  
  
• Lily Allen realized no one wants to buy her records anymore, so she's quit music forever. [Perez]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New York troublemaker Kelly Bensimon succeeded once again in grabbing some ink by posing in Playboy. But, like a wuss, she won't be showing her puss. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tinsley Mortimer makes her prince boyfriend carry her purse in silence. [Page Six]
  
  
• Not content to design just dresses, Zac Posen now wants to design an apartment building. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chynna Phillips says she fell into a 10-day depression after learning that her father John had been having a long-term affair with her half-sister, Mackenzie Phillips. She was not, however, surprised. [NYDN]

• Oh no! Mischa Barton's handlers won't let her get wasted after her hospitalization this summer. Poor thing can only smoke cigarettes. [Page Six]
  
  
• Elton John's turning into Madonna! The singer has his heart set on adopting a little Ukrainian AIDS orphan. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Speaking of the gays: Neil Patrick Harris says he and his boyfriend have discussed raising children. Baby Doogie, we love you already. [NYDN]
  
  
• Iran couldn't fight public outcry and has given the green-light to television drama Lost. [Guardian]
  
  
• Philippe van den Bossche, who headed Raising Malawi and helped Madge adopt her two black babies, has resigned to live with his girlfriend, trainer Tracy Anderson. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen has given up on music and wants to become an actress. Good luck, you silly young thing. [3am]
  
  
• Soho House has enacted a strict bathroom policy to deter coke heads and public sex aficionados from getting their kicks in the john. [Page Six]
  
  
• "Real Housewife" Sheree Whitfield brought her "fashions" to New York for fashion week. And, really, that's all we can say on the matter, because she sucks. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• We're not sure why, but Robbie Williams wants to be on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! Sad. [The Sun]

• One of two things happened to Girls Gone Wild's sleaze impresario, Joe Francis, in an altercation with Brody Jenner and Jenner's girlfriend, the 2008 Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole. Either Joe Francis has moved on from merely exploiting women to now punching them in the back of the head, as Nicole and Jenner claim happened in a club in L.A. Or, to hear Francis' side, karma's beginning to strike back at him in the most literal sense of the term, as he tells it: apparently Jenner and his girlfriend came up to him and hit him reallyfuckinghard both in the cluurb and outside the cluurb. Jenner actually had to be tasered by guards—yes, Brody Jenner, tasered—to put him on ice. Either way, Brody Jenner and Joe Francis got into a fight at a club involving a woman and somehow the universe just didn't unhinge its jaws and swallow all of these people and then ask for some milk. You know what they say: if you give the Universe a cookie, etc. [Page Six]
  
  
• In a Marlon Brando-esque fit of conniption, Kristen Stewart—who is now, let me remind our female, teenage readers, having sex with Robert Pattinson—almost quit acting after not being able to get cast in anything. Then, the celibacy tale known as Twilight came along and swept her off of her translucent feet and gave her a career that will enable her to retire in a few years from pursuits of money, men, and the secret desire to have people living vicariously through one. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• In other news, Robert Pattinson was "blown away" by Kristen Stewart. In other news, somewhere, Stephen Hawking was, too. The universe is amaaaaaaaazing. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rounding out our Kirsten Stewart trifecta of gossip today, she's gonna get nekkid for a new movie. With James Gandolfini. Playing a 16 year-old prostitute. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mark Ronson and Sean Lennon once made "soggies" with Michael Jackson. For the record, "soggies" is not a euphemism for anything other than toilet paper balls soaked in water and thrown off the penthouse floor of a hotel with Jackson. But you certainly thought otherwise. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rachel McAdams likes romance and is kind of a cheeseball, she admits. She thinks a romantic night is sitting at home and watching a movie. Tell 'em, girl. Seriously. In other news: Rachel McAdams. Perfectly likable celebrity. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Whitney Port—according to the picture the Post used, looks like a poodle, now?—went to a decent New York restaurant (not a great one) and ordered essentially what comes down to a crudité. Sorry, ladies, but you go to eat out in New York, you don't order a veggie platter. Bad form. At least order a dish, or something. Save the crunch veggies for, I don't know, the Super Bowl party. [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, Jason Biggs was attacked by a monkey in Gibraltar while vacationing there. The monkey was like, get off my rock, Jason Biggs, and Jason was like, this monkey knows who I am! Also, who goes vacationing in Gibraltar? Is this a destination I wasn't aware of? I always thought you just drove by on a boat, took a picture of the rock, and left. [NYDN]
  
  
• Do you complain about the perils of fame? Chris Martin of Coldplay would like to invite you to STFU. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Elizabeth Berkeley is writing a book! About advice for teens! And she wants your advice! I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared. [Daily News]
  
  
• Men are scared of Lily Allen, says Lily Allen. This is after she writes a song about how bad all of her guys are in bed. Honey, have you ever heard of the Floppy Woo? George Gurley would like to have a talk. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• And we begin with an altercation just as we end with one. Oasis had a concert. At that concert, they announced they were canceling the show because of an "altercation." Truth be told, one of the two of those insufferable British goon brothers had enough of the other one, and they quit the band. More interesting is that Maura Johnston of Idolator got a good "Friday Night News Dump" joke out of this. Either way, they've done this nine times before, or something, but we can never be too sure. In tribute, please find the "Wonderwall" video below. Happy Saturday, Gossip Roundup. You're gonna be the one to save us. [Idolator and Showbiz Spy]

• After appearing on The Late Show, a nationally televised program, Anna Wintour requested a "more private table" at the bistro Chat Noir. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fall Out Boy lead singer Patrick Stump landed in jail over the night for a traffic warrant. His bail has been set at $15,000 [TMZ]
  
  
• Lily Allen's friends have no problem telling the tabloids about the singer's drunken, slutty ways. Remarked one pal, "She'll hook up with anyone when she's drunk." [3am]
  
  
• Jackie O's half brother, James Auchincloss, has been arrested on kiddie porn charges. [NYDN]
  
  
• A child grows within Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. And now it's showing! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Chelsea Handler has broken up with her live-in boyfriend, who's also her boss. It is, says a source, "such drama." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Former Hugh Hefner plaything Bridget Marquardt and her boyfriend Nick Carpenter moved in together last week and are already fighting. Sadly, there has been one casualty thus far: Marquardt's collection of Hello Kitty memorabilia. [E!]
  
  
• Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey wants a photographer to shoot the cover of her forthcoming memoir — for free! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Quest magazine removed Walter Noel, whose hedge fund lost loads of dough in Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme, from their list of high societies best and brightest. [Page Six]

According to Closer magazine, via D-Listed, The Three C's and a D Of A Healthy Diet: Coffee, Cigarettes, Champagne, and Vodka. Kosher, yes, but how healthy is a diet of these four things? Are there benefits? Disadvantages, possibly? Let's take a gander. We could use to be a little cuter, a little more rockstar, and maybe, even, a little healthier.

1. Coffee! It's made from beans that are often picked by underpaid farm workers in South American countries, but that's okay, because it's a widely accepted practice, now. The beans are ground up, water is put through them, and a drink is made.
Pros: Coffee tastes good, especially when you drink it black. It has lots of antioxidants, which are things that apparently do something good for your cells, like prevent them from aging as fast. It's been proven to reduce the risk of Parkinson's disease, kidney stones, and combat asthma issues. It might be combative against Type-2 diabetes, liver cirrhosis, gall stones, Alzheimer's disease, and other things. It helps contribute to things like mental performance and memory, which are proven! And it's an appetite suppressant. Also, it makes you shit, which is good if you need to be skinny on the fly.
Cons: Well, it makes you go doodie, which isn't good if you're stuck on the beach with Kate Moss and you don't want to go in the water. Also, it's been controversially associated with increasing the likelihood of heart disease, though that hasn't been proven. It definitely ups cholesterol levels, which is funny, because people like coffee with eggs which have lots of cholesterol in them and that's some bad 1-2 shit right there. It can cause irregular heartbeats, but so can these two ladies (SWOON), so it must be especially bad for them because they have to look in the mirror all the time. It has unfavorable consequences on blood pressure, can trigger heartburn, can fuck up your sleeping cycles, and is pretty goddamn addictive. You can develop a pretty harsh dependence on it. Some people put cream and sugar in it, which makes it less great for you. Also, Sweet N' Low used to give rats cancer and it still might. Splenda looks like cocaine, which is neat. Also, it'll stain your teeth, but if you can't afford fake teeth, WTF are you doing drinking coffee?
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Sure! There are worse things than being talkative and poopie.

2. Champagne A favorite of rappers and the fiscally liberal everywhere, probably for the mere effect of opening it, upon which a piece of cork shoots out with a wonderful noise and foam bubbles over the top of the bottle in a somewhat phallic, metaphorical release of opulence. There are lots of sparkling wines but only The Real McCoy can be called Champagne, because it comes from the Champagne region in France, where - other than the fact that they keep their local economy thriving - locals probably detest most of the people who drink it.
Pros: Bubbly drinks are filling. Drinking booze supposedly has lots of benefits, but the process by which Champers are made - making it bubbly - makes it healthier, I read somewhere. Also, in rats, consumption of Champers led to less damage when they introduced strokes in the rats! Poor rats, but good for strokes? It's a status drink! People drunk on Dom smell way less than people drunk on, say, Bakers bourbon, which will give you the distinct odor of an assy barn of horseshit left out to dry in the hot, blazing, summer sun after a monsoon.
Cons: Plenty of champers tastes like piss, but if you enjoy the taste of piss, then this isn't really a problem. Also, people who drink too much end up in bad places, like the gutter. Too much booze can leave you looking aged, which, compounded with all that coffee, won't help. Also, drinking a lot makes you do ridiculously stupid things, like talking a lot on stage.
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Maybe! All the bubbles make it hard to drink too much and make you gassy. Also, Champ-hangovers are worse than regular hangovers so it kind of regulates itself. And if they have a stroke, well, shit! They're in luck. Finally, surely there's some kind of nutrient in something that comes from a grape.

3. Cigarettes. Oh, wonderful cigarettes. They're made of tobacco which was once farmed but is now mostly made in a factory. They're paper and synthetic cotton and might actually have some real tobacco in them sometimes, who knows? The idea is to light them on fire and smoke them and get a buzz from them. They come in all different kinds of packages with all different kinds of "flavors" and whatnot but for the most part are all the same.
Pros: Sometimes, they give you a buzz! They don't really taste good but sometimes smokers convince themselves that they do. Cigarettes with recessed filters make for great impromptu hipster coke spoons, like Parliament Lights! Also, appetite suppressant, diuretic, and social accessibility point of entry into possibly otherwise impermeable conversation!
Cons: They give you cancer, they make breathing more difficult, they make you smell, they're addicting, you're giving money to really bad people (as opposed to only kinda bad people with coffee and booze), they make you poo, they turn your teeth yellow and make your breath stank like ass, the give you a nasty cough, have killed at least two people you know or are related to, cost a shitload of cash if you live in New York ($11/pack?!?!), and have a strong social stigma attached to them. Children will give you far meaner looks if you're smoking than if you're drunk or strung out on caffine. And you don't want awful looks from children, do you?
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Let's try not to. They are smelly enough with the coffee. Also, Kate has kids! Smoking in front of kids is kind of bad if only because they don't have a choice. Not that being drunk isn't bad, but they're going to get drunk one day. They don't have to give their money to Big T like us, who are terribly hooked.

4. Vodka. It's fermented grain booze often made with potatoes, and it's the reason the Russians can't ever get anything right besides getting totally krunk with the komrades. Vodka can be mixed with pretty much anything but by the end of the night as long as you have something to chase it with, you could mix it with Pedialite and be fine (note to self: try this sometime). Vodka tastes like rubbing alcohol with a nice bottom note of "ouch."
Pros: Gets you really drunk, really quickly. Some Moscovite doctor once noted that Vodka in small quantities will help prevent atherosclerosis, which sounds like something you'd want to prevent. Also, Vodka's pretty filling as a booze. If you drink too much of it, you don't have to work hard to "pull the trigger" because puking up vodka's a relatively simply, effortless process.
Cons: It's vodka. What isn't bad about it? Anything but vodka, please. Seriously. Malibu and Milk. Peach Schnapps. Bottom shelf tequila. Whatever. People don't realize how truly awful vodka is. Vodka is the worst. Vodka's like those older kids you first meet in high school who you think are so cool, and they take you out and you drink and smoke with them and then a year later, they're working at the Gap and doing lots of Acid, and you're like, woah, what the fuck? I thought you were cool. And they were like, so did we. And then you do everything you can to get out of town and never see these people again.
Feed It To LilyMoss In Mass Quantities? Sure. Whatever, they're going to do it anyway. Besides which, who are we to judge? Just look at them. Hotness in motion. Someone, somewhere has said that fame and beauty take sacrifice. In which case, color me hot. I know how I'm getting into shape this season.

• Megan Fox has turned down a role as a Bond girl in the new Bond flick, presumably to play Lady Macbeth at the Old Vic or something. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's publicists have been trying hard to use her recent breakdown to land her on the cover of a few of the celebrity weeklies, but no one took the bite. Flack life is hard yo. [Page Six]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is on trial in the UK for beating up a dancer at a charity ball who asked for an autograph. The prosecutor in the case says that it's likely that Amy was under the influence of something when the incident went down, shockingly. [Mirror]
  
  
• T.R. Knight says that he left Grey's Anatomy because Shonda Rhimes was cutting down his character's screen time. [EW]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars/boners Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick may be on the outs with each other. They were supposed to co-host some event at the MGM Grand at Foxwoods and he totally didn't show up because he was pissed at her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha! After ESPN lashed out at the Post for printing stills of the Erin Andrews nude peephole video, Page Six is attacking ESPN by saying that it's the network's fault that the video was made public in the first place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Whitney Houston gave serious consideration to giving up music three years ago to move to an island and open a little fruit stand. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lily Allen has traded in her old man art dealer ex-boyfriend for a young, struggling artist. She is reported to be "completely smitten." [Sun]
  
  
• Rihanna is in London recording an album and Jay-Z swooped in to take her out for dinner and champagne and we can't help but wonder if there isn't something going on between these two. [Mirror]
  
  
• Simon Cowell is having a 50th birthday party soon, an event that 17 of his ex-girlfriends are set to make an appearance at. We're not sure if we should admire or pity him. [Mirror]

• Eva Longoria says that she likes to be dominated during sex, even tied up with fancy silk ties around her limbs. Yes please! [Sun]
  
  
• A warning to the ladies of Manhattan—Leonardo DiCaprio is on the prowl. He's been spotted with a posse of bros all over town trying to pick up tail by playing the "I'm the king of the world card." [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen isn't shy about going after what she wants. She recently proclaimed that she wanted to bone Snow Patrol's Gary Lightbody more than anyone in the world and basically invited him to come and get it. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kurt Anderson took a shot at Donald Trump in his new book and so naturally, the Donald fired off a retort, calling Anderson a "third rate writer." [Page Six]
  
  
• Harry Potter star Emma Watson, who recently shacked up with her boyfriend, said that she and Robert Pattinson, who recently knocked up a Twilight co-star, are "just friends." So now you know. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham is a big fan of Sex and the City or something because she's taking acting lessons in the hope of landing a part in the movie sequel. [Daily News]
  
  
• So sad. The band Kings of Leon seems on the verge of breaking up. Basically, they all hate each other and recently came close to canceling a number of European tour dates after another backstage scuffle. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Jackson allegedly had a string of gay lovers, including a Vegas construction worker who he was rumored to be head over heels for. [Sun]
  
  
• At 46 years-old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn good in a bikini. Unfortunately, her husband is still a massive tool. [Daily Mail]

• Angelina Jolie, growing increasingly uncomfortable with Jennifer Aniston sending "motivational texts" to Brad Pitt, has told Aniston to "back off" of her man who used to Aniston's man before she stole him from her. Why don't they just move to Utah and all get married and be one big, happy family? [Mirror]
  
  
• According to the author of a new book, Marlon Brando nailed Jackie O twice during a two day fling in 1964. The author said that Brando had written notes on the affair for his memoir, but Random House later insisted that the passage be cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• The allegedly rehabbed Lily Allen went out the other night and a paparazzi caught a photo of her with "white debris" all up in her nose. [Sun]
  
  
• Gavin DeGraw, Jason Mraz and Rob Thomas spill the beans on what it's like to be a musician on the road with lots of young ladies willing to give themselves to them. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan smokes cigarettes while she's sitting in the beautician's chair getting her hair did. But in her defense, that can take like, what, two whole hours or something? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham stepped out in a tanktop so that all the paparazzi could get a look at her brand new boobs. She recently had her third breast augmentation, a reduction this time. [Sun]
  
  
• Katy Perry posted a picture of herself nude in a bathtub with her privates covered by a pizza onto her Twitter account, and the Brits are all in a tizzy. [Sun]
  
  
• Joy Behar has called off her marriage to longtime boyfriend Steve Janowitz. She claims they're still together and that she just had another case of cold feet. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Russell Simmons has dumped the grapefruit heiress he's been dating for a model named Noemie Lenoir. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some New Orleans residents have started a movement to try to encourage Brad Pitt to run for mayor next year when Ray Nagin is term-limited out of office. [nola.com]
  
  
• Now that Seth Rogen has dropped a bunch of weight, expect gossip to float each time he gets caught eating too much of something good in public, like this Page Six item busting his balls for eating a bowl of pasta, [Page Six]

  pic via

• The Daily Mail visited Amy Winehouse on the tropical island where she's supposed to be cleaning her life up. When they met her at 9am, she was already on her second shot of tequila. The whole thing has gone horribly wrong and some doubt she'll live to record another album. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• After having Sacha Baron Cohen's ass all up in his face to create a fake controversy, Eminem had his LA hotel room broken into. His laptop and a 650K necklace were stolen. [Daily News]
  
  
• London is on high alert as Hurricane Lohan is rolling through town to spend time with Samantha Ronson, who's in town for a DJ gig. [Sun]
  
  
• Simon Cowell called Susan Boyle to offer her his "unconditional support" in aiding her recovery from the breakdown she recently suffered. [Mirror]
  
  
• Melissa Joan Hart, who graced this past week's cover of People for having lost a bunch of weight, was overheard telling friends that she hoped that Farrah Fawcett didn't die during the week of her cover, thus bumping her off of it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lily Allen just can't keep her nipples inside her of her damn dress, and the world is a much better place because of this. NSFW! [Drunkenstepfather]
  
  
• Daily Show alum and current The Office cast member Ed Helms just can't resist belting out Broadway showtunes at completely inappropriate times. [Starpulse]
  
  
• A new biography details what exactly happened when Britney Spears broke down and shaved her head and seemed as though she was going way off the deep end. [Mirror]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is hinting that she and her boyfriend Douglas or whatever his name is might be getting married this summer. [EOnline]
  
  
• Pixie Geldof got trashed at Bungalow 8 in London and photographers got a bunch of pics of her stumbling around in the street. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have definitely quit I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. No, none of this was staged at all. [Daily News]

• Lily Allen took to Twitter account to unleash a fury of hate on Susan Boyle saying, "Susan Boyle is so overrated...Listen, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don't think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it's not about talent with her is it?" [DListed]
  
  
• Jon and Kate are facing the "dark side of reality" because all of their squabbling on television may lead viewers to turn against them and then their show would be cancelled and then they'd be miserable AND broke, and who wants that?! [Daily News]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon showed up late to a book party for Hollywood lip monster Lisa Rinna, slammed a martini, and then proceeded to flirt with every dude in the room. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl got dropped from some shitty romantic comedy because she was demanding a ridiculous salary and a personal ass-wiper in her trailer or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tori Spelling went to the beach over the Memorial Day holiday and frightened the hell out of everyone with her freakish, destroyed by plastic surgery Frankenstein body. [DListed]
  
  
• Rapper T.I., obviously thinking that he could do whatever he liked, showed up late when he was supposed to report to prison to begin a jail sentence.[Daily News]
  
  
• Mariah Carey has fired her poor hair dresser because he just couldn't figure out how to make her horrible wigs and weaves look like real human hair or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton showed up at some club in London and turned down a free bottle of champagne because "we only do shots." Yeah. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima is pregnant for her husband, some shitty basketball player for the Memphis Grizzlies. [UK Sun]
  
  
• James Brown's family is about to kill each other over control of his estate. [EOnline]

• You want to know how to tell if you're a horrible human being? When you're such an awful neighbor that the person living next door to you is willing to pay off your landlord to kick you out so he doesn't have to live next door to you, that's how you know! [Mirror]
  
  
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend is most definitely pregnant. Nice to see that Mel, despite all his other breakdowns of faith, is still not practicing birth control. [TMZ]
  
  
• Alex Rodriquez and Kate Hudson have been seen hooking up all over town, at Mustang Grill on the Upper East Side, at Lure Fish Bar in Soho, and Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel, so yeah, he's totally boning the Matthew McConaughey out of her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Wind-maligned disgraced pageant broad Carrie Prejean will not be getting her own day in San Diego. Surely she'll fight through the pain by posing topless for some random photographer while she prays to JESUS. [TMZ]
  
  
• Rihanna is getting over Chris Brown by hanging out in strip clubs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ted Kennedy could never bring himself to explain what happened at Chappaquiddick Island to Mary Jo Kopechne's parents. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• All-caps emo-blogger Kanye West has pleaded not guilty to charges related to his assaulting a photographer [EOnline]
  
  
• Lily Allen is on an African safari and is Twittering about it all over the place. So sad. [PITNB]

• Meghan McCain got into a spat with security at the White House Correspondents' Dinner because they wouldn't let her friend in without a ticket. And oh, she didn't really care for Wanda Sykes or the temperature in the room or the golden stable where they forced her to keep her pony during the event. (Daily News)
  
  
• Luke Russert was hired by NBC to blog and Twitter and be a "youth correspondent" and whatever and now he's just acting like a bratty 23 year-old who has no business having the job he has. Go figure! (Page Six)
  
  
• After 15 years, Jimmy Fallon finally has a college diploma. (Perez)
  
  
• Lily Allen's potty mouth has led to her being banned by the BBC. (UK Mirror)
  
  
• A woman has filed a restraining order to prevent Ryan O'Neal from begging her for phone sex while his wife, Farrah Fawcett, is dying. (Sun)
  
  
• Joan Rivers is unwavering in her belief that Annie Duke is a Nazi. (E Online)
  
  
• Alexandra von Furstenberg has been dating a much younger guy named...wait for it...Dax! (Page Six)

What about this photo that got Allen so furious? In her MySpace blog, Allen writes that the reporter, Melena Ryzik, was so darn nice! That, in turn, persuaded Allen to allow a Times photographer to take pictures of Allen in her home. Here's some of Allen's 1,226-word rant:

The reporter could not have been more lovely, she was called Milena and she did indeed come over to the house, I showed her round, she helped me pick out my outfit ( an ISSA patterned all in one, louboutins, hoop earrings just in case you were wondering) . Then she got out her Dictaphone, we did an interview for an hour, hour and a half and then went out for dinner. We went to this restaurant called the Wolsley and ordered a bottle of wine Iwasn't really drinking at the time , but I was having so much fun with Milena and I felt so relaxed and chilled I decided to let my barriers down a little. Anyway, we ate diner, I had Wiener Schnitzel she had Duck and we shared a pickled cucumber salad thing , some friends dropped by for a drink at the end of the meal , it was a lovely evening.

Allen got into a hissy when OK ran some of the pictures — giving the reader the impression that she had allowed the tabloid into her house. A Times lawyer apparently told Allen's people to go fly a kite:

I am sorry to say that we have no record or recollection of your client or her representatives ever requesting any restriction on our exploitation of the photographs. Indeed, it is not our general policy to accede to such restrictions, so it is certainly not something we would have agreed to without a written agreement confirming such arrangement.

As the copyright owner of thousands of photographs, a significant part of our business, like most news organizations, is the syndication of photos to third parties. This is very standard in the news business and I'm sorry that it comes as a surprise to your client. Under the circumstances, we are unable to provide you with the assurances you have requested.

I do hope, however, that our correspondence sheds some light on this issue for your client's future arrangements.

Allen finally winds down with what she really wanted: To get paid for getting photographed. Oh, now we get the "cheap skank" thing. Allen's only upset because she'd rather be an expensive one.

[Via New York, Idolator]

(Photo by David Azia/New York Times)