• Q: How insane is alleged used vibrator criminal Casey Johnson? A: She and Tila Tequila just got "engaged." Tila—who once dated Casey ex Courtenay Semel—showed off "a 17-carat diamond ring from my baby. My baby is a billionaire! She's the heiress of Johnson and Johnson," then the pair made out for the cameras and Tila showed her boobs. Sometimes I look at pictures of these women, and they're like little girls playing dress up and making up fairy tales, and it's cute. Other times I remember that Casey has a daughter, and I feel like an accessory to a horrible crime. [P6]
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• Is Amy Winehouse back with Blake Incarcerated? They might have had a 36-hour love-in in Sheffield. But Amy's dad Mitch says it isn't true. (Which is actually evidence it might have. He's always wrong.) [ShowBizSpy] [ShowBizSpy]
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• Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley are pissed at Page Six for saying daughter Alexa Ray's alleged suicide attempt was the result of a mother-daughter tiff. Alexa's hospitalization came "while suffering a devastating heartbreak." That's right, blame it on the boyfriend. [AP]
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• Nicky Hilton's stolen computer does not—she repeats does not—have a sex tape on it. That's Paris' thing, not hers. [TMZ]
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• "I can be up and down like a yo-yo," said unstable singing homebody Susan Boyle. "I can be depressed." In an interview the Sun she describes the "psychological bullying" of her youth. To demonstrate that show biz is no different than middle school, the Sun pairs this article about SuBo's mental health struggles with an unflattering crazy lady picture. [fig.1] [Sun]
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• A mysterious bouquet of roses appeared at the Woods home last night, and they were for Tiger. [fig.2] No word on who sent them, but you'd think there'd be zillions of bouquets arriving right about now, from aspirational quasi-hookers for Tiger, and aspirational modelizers for Elin. Apparently this was the only one. [TMZ]
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• Liza Minnelli has settled a $100M lawsuit for sexually assaulting her bodyguard, proving once and for all that Whitney Houston's movie was false. The guard accused Liza of "drunkenly battered him and forced him to bed her," according to NYDN, which fails to explain how on earth Liza kept this from the press for so long. Apparently Soumayah earned $238K to protect Minnelli, and endured physical and sexual abuse to keep his job. [NYDN]
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• Jake Gyllenhaal is going to propose to Reese Witherspoon over the holidays. This sounds about right, because there was that break-up rumor a couple weeks ago, and if I have learned anything from rom coms and the Longoria-Parker romance, it's that there is always a period of disarray and heartache right before the handsome man drops to one knee and tells the lady he just can't live without her. [PopEater]
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• Lindsay Lohan's philanthropic trip to India has "over 40 children saved so far... within one day's work." The girl is a child-saving savant. [P6]
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• When LiLo gets back from India, she'll have Gucci model Adam Senn waiting for her, says the Daily News. Senn is also a restaurateur, character on The City, and possessor of savvy gossip-leaking skills, because concocting this rumor while Linds is in India means she's probably too busy to deny it. [NYDN]
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• Tom Brady ex Bridget Moynahan wishes Tom and Gisele's new baby boy "the best." She also wishes everyone would forget she dated him, because she is sick to death of having her headshots next to Gisele's in gossip columns. [fig.3] [NYDN]
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Figure 1.













Figure 2.













Figure 3.

• Angelina Jolie has a secret family in Jordan that she has been hiding for six years. The National Enquirer says Angie's been supporting seven orphans (three girls and four boys) at an orphanage in Amman and she considers them family. The kids "live together in one house with a surrogate mother" and Angie visits them sometimes. If this story resembles the truth even slightly, then it's definitely more like "Angelina Jolie donated a bunch of money and these seven kids won't die now, so they like her," but yada yada, let's get to the good stuff: If she has a second family in the Middle East, then surely she is cheating on Brad with... A Jordanian prince? An Arab sheikh? A Yemeni terrorist? [NatlEnq]
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• Apparently the Queen of England hosts an annual variety show, and this year Lady Gaga was a featured performer. Since it was the queen and all, Gaga chose a demure, floor-length red latex Victorian gown for when they met. Also performing was Bette Midler, who stole Gaga's lines: "I have been singing for queens my entire life. At last I'm singing in front of a real one." [Telegraph]
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• Suri Cruise has truly outdone herself, donning a bubblegum pink eyelet flamenco gown with red-and-white Minnie Mouse high heels and hoop earrings for a day in the park in Spain. [fig. 1] This child is a modern marvel. [Sun]
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• Did Tiger Woods OD? TMZ claims he was hospitalized the day after Thanksgiving, possibly for taking too much Ambien or Vicodin. Curiously, he was admitted under the alias "Will Smith." [TMZ]
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• Speaking of Tiger (and who isn't): Radar reported yesterday that Elin Nordegren walked out on Tiger. Now NYDN says she bought a mansion in Sweden. America is about to lose a ragingly hot bikini model, and it's all Tiger Woods' fault. [Radar] [NYDN]
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• Jay-Z's 40th birthday party featured "synchronized swimmers, fireworks, and an impromptu performance of 'Empire State of Mind,'" and was in the Dominican Republic, and included a surf-and-turf brunch the next day. This is how the other half lives: Categorically better than we do, even as they enter the middle age. [P6]
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• Lindsay Lohan is off to India to film a BBC documentary about impoverished children. Let's just hope she doesn't bring back an orphan. [P6]
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• Carrie Prejean was scheduled for an appearance at Foxwoods—this massive, trashy casino in Connecticut where I once spent 20 grueling minutes throwing away $100—but the time frame was after her curfew, so her mom wrote an emailing rescinding Carrie's presence based on "the hours specified": "Her reputation as a Christian is more important than any public appearance attention or monetary compensation." She added, "If in the future, you have an opportunity for her to speak to young adults, or physically challenged athletes, she would love it." I keep looking at that last part and wondering if it's a joke? [P6]
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• Dame Helen Mirren says nudity gets easier with age. "As you get older... it's more to do with the role than what men in the audience think. There's a liberation about it." [ShowBizSpy]
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Figure 1.

• Now a porn star might have banged Tiger Woods, too. Holly Sampson (née Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Andrea Zoe) star of such film as OMG Stop Tickling Me and Flying Solo 2 is "not denying that she bedded Tiger." Apparently she was in a Wonder Years episode once, too. [NYDN] [IMDB]
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• In other Woods news, a mystery lady says through her layer that Tiger's marriage to Elin Nordegren was a sham, while an anonymous source tells someone else that Elin loves him more than ever and wants him in sex addict treatment. [TMZ] [ShowBizSpy]
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• Yu Tsai is very talented photographer who makes Lindsay Lohan look young and relatively vibrant in her Muse photo spread depicting a Kate Moss/Johnny Depp-inspired three-way. Some photos were sexy [fig.1] and some where just weird [fig.2] but she looks her age-ish, and pretty. When her nip slips, "it just happened in the moment. She was playing the role of Kate Moss." Please. Like we haven't seen Lindsay's Lohans before. [P6]
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• Michael Jackson had really creepy art. MJ coffee table book Michael Jackson Opus: The Ultimate Celebration gave the Post a sneak peek at an image of a nude, alabaster-skinned Jacko romping with winged cherubs, one of whom is black. [fig.3] Apparently it was "tongue-in-cheek," which probably refers to the god-like portrayal, but could also refer to the "raping little boys" thing, depending how wicked his sense of humor was. [NYP]
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• Susan Boyle will perform for the Obamas at the White House, at Michelle's 46th birthday, according to British paper The Daily Express, which is not terribly believable, because what "senior White House aide" leaks exclusively to the Express? Also, Michelle is too great a humanitarian to allow the ongoing torment of sad Susan Boyle to occur in her own home. [Express]
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• Lady Gaga has more than 20 wigs, which is actually fewer than I would have guessed. She's only been at this for a year or so, though so there's still time. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Eva Green wishes her lesbian sex scene in Cracks would have been dirtier. "The love scene is soft—I wanted to go even further," she said. In the movie, Eva plays a boarding school headmistress who goes Humbert Humbert on a student. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Oh, gross. (But can we say we're surprised?) "Two stars of the reality TV show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here have been charged with animal cruelty after allegedly killing and cooking a rat to eat." The most interesting part of this article is how the Associated Press characterizes Get Me Out's celebrities as "C-list." Is the assumption that the show bumped them up a notch from D? Is someone keeping track of the C-pluses and B-minuses too? [AP]
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• Tinsley Mortimer's dad, George Mercer, was a drunk mess at the Plaza the other night, when he grabbed the microphone away from a jazz singer and tried to make it a karaoke sing-a-long. The "horrified crowd" included Martha Stewart, Betsy Johnson, Isaac Mizrahi, Courtney Love, and Woody Allen, which is funny, because I always thought if Martha Stewart and Courtney Love were in the same room, the world would combust. [P6]
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Figures 1., 2.

Figure 3.

• Didn't see this coming: GLAAD has released a statement approving ABC's decision to cancel two Adam Lambert appearances in the wake of his controversial AMA performance. Glambert was not cut for kissing a man and simulating oral sex on stage, they explain, but because he did so without telling anyone he was going to do it. It means he can't stay on script, which is a fate that perhaps befalls stars who get their start in quasi-reality show settings. GLAAD buys ABC's excuse, noting that the letwork lets gays, lesbians, and trannies kiss on air from time to time. (Go, Ugly Betty, go) TMZ, however, notes that Adrian Brody and Halle Berry had an impromptu kiss at the 2003 Oscars and never suffered consequences. Update: Wanna know what GLAAD isn't okay with? Saying that they're okay with banning gay performers. GLAAD issued a mealy-mouthed "clarification" of their previous statement that doesn't really change anything: They're against double standards for gays and disappointed that Lambert's not appearing on ABC, but they checked with ABC and this is not one of those situations, so ABC's fine to ban him, or something. Anyway, here's the whole thing from GLAAD PR director Rich Ferraro

  Update on Statement from GLAAD on ABC's Decision to Cancel Performances by Adam Lambert

  Since his American Music Awards performance occurred GLAAD has consistently advocated that Adam Lambert and openly gay artists not be held to a double standard. As we have expressed publicly, it is disappointing that ABC will not give Lambert a chance to perform at this time. GLAAD's discussions with ABC focused on confirming that his sexual orientation was not a factor in their decisions. ABC confirmed this is not about a same-sex kiss or his sexual orientation but about being "caught off guard." GLAAD asked ABC and calls on them for clarification on "caught off guard" so that the community knows why Lambert is being denied the opportunity to perform on the network.

  [TMZ]

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• Miley Cyrus got Lindsay Lohan's "breathe" tattoo, but under her boob [fig.1] instead of on her wrist. It's all part of young Hollywood's plan to merge themselves into one big Transformers-like monster of indiscernible mom-nightmare. Miley was photographed cavorting in an ill-fitted hot pink bikini with visible boob pads. Her "Just breathe" tat is definitely new, because there are pictures of her pantomiming "it iches." [fig.2] [DailyMail]
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• As if Rihanna wasn't intimidating enough already: Asked about the rumor that she is a size queen, Rihanna laughed in a radio interview and replied, "guilty as charged, guilty as charged." She also likes tall men, and wearing heels. "If it's a one-night stand situation there's only one thing that matters. I don't think personality matters right there." Sounds like she's on the rebound? [TMZ]
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• Oh, so now he's all holier than thou: Chris Brown would like alleged Tiger Woods-beater Elin Nordegren to know, from one domestic abuser to another, that it's not okay to hit the ones you love. [Gatecrasher]
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• Speaking of Chris, his 20/20 interview airs tonight. His PR team's tenacity is unrelenting. [NYDN]
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• The Salahi Saga continues. Three Secret Service members are on administrative leave for their role in admitting the D.C. party crashers to Obama's state dinner. Nonetheless, the Prez sez he "could not have more confidence" in his security, probably because everyone knows this was actually social secretary Desiree Rogers' fault, even though the White House is defending her. [NYP] [LAT]
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• Pamela Anderson is recording a single with Richie Rich, called "High," which is about high fashion, not drugs. [P6]
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• Alleged Casey Johnson vibrator victim Jasmine Lennard says the Johnson & Johnson heiress "turned up screaming, 'I love you'" yesterday and begged Lennard to drop charges for the time Casey broke into her home, stole her panties, and left a used vibrator in her bed. Somehow Nicky Hilton gets pulled into the mess, as does a P6 meta-reference: "I considered dropping the charges until I read her claim in Page Six that I somehow fabricated what she did to me. It has made me more determined for her to suffer the consequences." [P6]
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• Taylor Lautner is in the running to be Max Steel in the comic-book-turned-movie of the same name. He's also hosting SNL this week. Sweet as the boy is, my prediction is "wooden." [LAT]
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• Kate Moss bought a bracelet straight off a woman's wrist, which must be one of the most powerful proofs of stylishness this world has to offer. But this item smells like a PR plant: Ad hoc bracelet-seller Ann Dexter-Jones is a professional bracelet-seller, too. Her debut jewelry line debuts this weekend. [P6]
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• Celebuspawn romance! 16-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger has supposedly been dating 15-year-old Tallulah Willis since Halloween. I can think of few things more awkward than reading about your teenage relationship in the New York Post, but celebuspawn know not awkwardness, born of grace and lightness are they. [P6]
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• "Destiny's Child Gals Reunite—For Lawsuit." Kelly Rowland is pissed because the copyright infringement suit that is dragging them to Chicago is all Beyonce's dad's fault, for pushing to get his daughter's name in songrwriting credits she didn't deserve. The catch-22 of stage parents is that the ones capable of making their kids into stars are also the one who end up sabotaging them later, inadvertently or otherwise. [Gatecrasher]
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• Some say John Mayer facilitated a LiLo-SamRo reconciliation. Others say Lindsay's "got one of her legendary scary crushes" on John. Still others say LiLo is sinking her talons into Jessica Alba's husband and baby daddy, Cash Warren, and has been "seen kissing" him! If that last one is true, we will know by the trail of dead bodies because Alba strikes me as the kind of woman who would calmly and purposefully disembowel you if you looked at her husband the wrong way. And she would do it all with dead eyes. [3AM]
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• After adamantly denying that she had an affair with Tiger Woods, Rachel Uchitel, A.K.A. Mistress #1, wants to come clean and tell the world that, yes, she did indeed bang the world's most famous sports star. Whippersnapper lawyer Gloria Allred will hold a news conference at 11:30AM PST. [National Enquirer]
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• What's more, TMZ reports that Uchitel wasn't the mistress who touched off the car-smashing fight! Nor was it Jaimee Grubbs! Who, oh who, will it be... [TMZ]
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• Casey Johnson finally got around to denying those pesky breaking/entering/masturbating charges. The Johnson & Johnson family fortune gets you some top notch legal advice, so Casey's comment was basically confined to calling the charges a "100 percent fabrication," thank you and good bye. [P6]
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• Hulk Hogan popped the question to girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel, and she said yes. Jennifer [fig.1] is the spitting image of the Hogan women, but which one? A younger version of his ex-wife? [fig.2] Or an older version of his daughter? [fig.3] The answer you choose is a Rorschach test of the twisted depths of your psychosexual subconscious. [NYDN]
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• Tareq and Michaele Salahi have canceled their Christmas party, a wine tasting one their vineyard. Guests were notified by Facebook note: "The wine tasting event has been postponed to be held after the holidays." They probably guessed that everyone and their mother was going to try to crash. [Click]
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• Ever since she married Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman's been forced to pretend like she cares about country music, and is warm and folksy and aw-shucks-sweet. Case in point: She recently described Taylor Swift as "a delight," "a honey bun," and someone she admires deeply. What I wouldn't give to have old ice queen Nicole back. And red hair, and a human face, too. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As for Taylor, she admires Rihanna, who is "one of my favorite artists, so if I ever have to perform in front of her, I'm so petrified." Isn't this all but guaranteed to happen at this year's Grammy's? [ShowBizSpy]
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• Orlando Bloom and supermodel girlfriend Miranda Kerr were partying in Vegas when someone spilled a drink on Orlando's shirt, so he ripped it off right then and there, just like in a porno. [P6]
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• Junior "Teflon" Gotti—whose racketeering and murder charges slid off into the purgatorial quasi-innocence of mistrial on Tuesday—wore a blue velour track suit and shit-eating grin celebrating his freedom by taking his kids on a shopping spree at Toys 'R' Us. [NYDN]
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• Kate Hudson says no matter how in love you are with a man, "you need to have your girlfriends," which is funny, because almost female I know thinks she's insanely annoying, although one or two love her. Female polarization principle; its adverse is known as the masculine meh. [ShowBizSpy]
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Figures 1., 2., & 3.

Ok!
"$75 Million For Baby #2."
Can we talk about this cover for a minute? We find it very conversational: "Shhhh!" and "Sorry Nicole — We Can't Keep A Secret" amd "OMG! Tiger Reveals What Really Happened." Inside, "sources" tell Ok! that there's been tension between Katie and Tom because he's been pushing for another baby since Suri was delivered. Wait, since Suri was delivered? Was he in the hospital when she came out, saying, "Gimme another one!" Anyways. Katie plans to get pregnant in the next year and Tom plans to set aside $75 million for his new offspring. A "pal" says part of the reason Katie's going to have another kid is because "she no longer feels like she's just Mrs. Cruise — she's her own person again. A sidebar headline reads: "Meanwhile, Tom's Ex Nicole Looks Pregnant." (see image 7) Dr. Christopher Sipe, who does not treat Nicole, says: "It appears she may be 30 weeks pregnant. Or she could be teasing the media." Wait wait wait. Nicole is 7 ½ months along? Or joking? Glad we narrowed that down. Moving on: Liza Minnelli and Adam Lambert are "surprise look-alikes." (See image 8.) Angelina Jolie says of Brad Pitt, "I met the right person and I don't like being without him." Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are "taking a break." Jake is reluctant to live a "middle-aged lifestyle" what with the two kids and the farm and whatnot. They came to an agreement to spend some times apart and reconnect in a couple of weeks and see how they feel. Finally: Jessica Simpson is "smitten" with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan "since connecting with the bald bad boy at a November 6 party." They left together and that was the last anyone heard of them for days!
Grade: F (flubbed shot)

Life & Style
"The Truth About My Marriage."
Ugh. As you may have noticed, L&S pushes the Kardashians on every other cover. They're on one week, off the next, then on again, and it's been going on basically since July. Or maybe earlier. We guess the editors struck a deal with the family, but the coverage is seriously tedious. Here's what Margaret learned from this incredibly long interview: Khloe says Lamar would be happy if she got pregnant right away, but she'd like to wait. And even though she met his 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, Destiny, she has never met his 7-year-old son Lamar Jr. That's what you get for rushing your reality TV wedding! Margaret thinks Lamar should concentrate on having his son meet his new wife instead of trying to make a new baby. Moving on: Lady Gaga is "making everyone crazy" and is responsible for Adam Lambert's sexed-up AMA performance, for Rihanna's "barely-there bodysuit" at the AMAs and for Miley Cyrus being more seductive. Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are talking about having kids; she wants a girl. But, the magazine warns that Britney "relies heavily" on two medications to remain stable. And it might not be wise to take them while she is pregnant. Health advice is servicey! Gwyneth Paltrow has been spotted in London without Chris Martin and an insider says they're staying together for the children. Gwynnie refuses to get divorced, but "she's lived the last year or so of her life like a divorcée." What does that mean? Because I picture it involves drinking wine and wearing cleavage-highlighting outfits. Lastly: In Tiger Woods news, an insider names another woman, Kalika Moquin, as someone Tiger has hooked up with a bunch of times. "Tiger told Kalika that married life isn't all it's built up to be," and that he was unhappy and feeling lots of pressure. Kalika is a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, and the mag has a pic of her (See image 9.) When contacted, she did not confirm or deny the affair, saying it was "not appropriate" for her to comment one way or the other. We take this to mean she hasn't yet settled on a dollar amount for which to sell her story.
Grade: D- (fat shot)

In Touch
"It's Worse Than Anyone Knows."
As we learned last week, Angelina wanted to take the kids to Asia for Thanksgiving but Brad was against it, because he wanted to go to his parent's house. Now Brad's parents are advising him to leave Angie "before the relationship destroys him." The Cambodia trip allegedly fell through, so the Jolie-Pitts stayed in LA for the holiday. The copy here reads: "With no obvious reason beyond his partner's selfishness, Brad was forced to call his mother Jane on November 17, canceling the plans his whole family had been looking forward to for weeks." On the phone, "Jane sensed Brad's hurt" and asked if he was alright. "For a change, he didn't sugarcoat it." GASP. "He told his mom, 'It's worse than you think,' the insider reveals, adding that Brad was 'in tears' during the call." Jane was shocked it was so bad and told Brad to leave Angelina. The mag adds: "His only joy these days is Jen, 40, with whom he has been talking or texting nearly every day." Brad has confided to his parents that he still has feelings for Jen and they are urging him to follow through. Brad was disappointed that Jen went to Morocco for the holiday but they made plans to meet when she's back. And! Jen invites Brad's parents to her annual Christmas Eve dinner every year, and this year, they accepted, for the first time. Oh, and Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Aniston bonded when they were both in Morocco; they are both worried about Brad's future and almost called him together but decided against it. Moving on: Reese and Jake are being torn apart because he's very serious about marriage and children and wants to "make things official" but Reese never gives in. Maggie Gyllenhaal is trying to reunite them. Lindsay Lohan is having a "secret romance" with Entourage star Kevin Connolly. They've known each other for years but hooked up at a party at Leonardo DiCaprio's house in November and are "sneaking around." Ooh, plastic surgery special! Zac Efron's nose was "refined." Megan Fox had implants, lip injections and a nose job. Etc. (See image 10.) It goes on for a few pages. Lastly: Tom Cruise begged Katie Holmes to join him in Europe for Thanksgiving, but she stayed in New York.
Grade: D (double bogey)

Star
"The Fight To End All Fights!"
An alarm went off at Brad and Angie's house in LA, so the cops came, and left 20 minutes later. The mag claims: "Five alarm fights are the norm for Brad and Angelina these days." Apparently Angelina is a "screamer" and will get physical, shoving Brad. He wanted to go to Missouri for Thanksgiving; she wanted to take Pax on a humanitarian mission. So they fought. He told her she was selfish; she started hyperventilating and threw a chair at him. Brad stormed out of the house and went to Chateau Mirval — he said he was going to set up the house for Christmas, but he really just wanted to get away from Angelina. Brad is also mad that Angelina is trying to adopt from Africa again and not involving him in the process — and he doesn't want another kid yet. Please note: The image used on the cover is a picture of Angelina Jolie crying on UN World Refugee Day — June 20, 2003 (click that link and see). Brad and Angie did not get together until 2005, nearly TWO years later. Moving on: Tyra Banks is "super skinny" and "looks gaunt and waif-like." She looks fine to us? (See image 11.) Blind item! "Which singer is less of a gentleman than he seems? He hits the red carpet with gorgeous gals while hiding his real girlfriend — because she's a stripper." Hmm, Ne-Yo's album is Year Of The Gentleman… Reese Witherspoon had 40 people over for Thanksgiving and after eating they all sat around the piano and sang. Jake Gyllenhaal was a no-show, and "everyone was told not to mention his name." Reese and Jake broke up because he wants to get married someday, but felt that Reese was pushing him into it — he got freaked out and said he wasn't ready for such a commitment. David Hasselhoff went on a three-day drinking binge and was put on a psych hold at the hospital, but has been released. Britney Spears is pregnant! A "family insider" says she took a home pregnancy test after feeling queasy; her period was 2 weeks late. Two tests were positive! She called sis Jamie Lynn, who was not very supportive, telling Brit she hoped it was a false positive. Britney made JLS swear to secrecy, but JLS told the whole family. Jason is scared of making a huge commitment right now and "nobody thinks Britney's ready to be a mom again." Um, she's already a mom, right? Finally: A friend says Lindsay "just feels defeated and doesn't care what happens." She thinks "no one can save her, not even herself." LL was partyhopping on November 12 and wound up with Brandon Davis, her former enemy, and they were seen "bending out of sight and then wiping their noses after they stood back up." Which translates into "sniffing coke." When she saw photographers outside the house, she started throwing food out the window and acting crazy. At another party, Lindsay begged Leonardo DiCaprio to help her get a film role and he "gently suggested" she clean up her act. An insider says Lindsay took that as a slap in the face and the kind of help people are offering is not the kind she wants. Plus, her friends are abandoning her and she's resorted to hanging out with strangers. "These people don't care about her, so they don't stop her from taking so many drugs," a source says. "She could overdose and they wouldn't do anything. Lindsay knows it's dangerous, but she doesn't care anymore."
Grade: C (par for the course)

Us
"Yes, He Cheated."
In an exclusive interview, cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, claims she's been having an affair with Tiger Woods for nearly three years. She played a voicemail from November 24 for the mag, which goes like this: "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye." In a sidebar on Jaimee, she spills details about how they met; when things first started getting physical; their first sexual encounter; how she made Tiger watch Desperate Housewives, which he "allowed" because "My friend Teri Hatcher is on it." Jaimee shares sexy texts from Tiger with the mag and there's a picture of her holding her iPhone with Tiger's name listed in it. Tiger told her his life was overwhelming, but that he needed the endorsements and busy schedule because he wasn't as financially stable as he wanted to be. "I thought, fuck him, I'm just an average person, that's a slap in the face. But he has really high goals for himself." And the end of the piece, Jaimee says: "I do apologize that his wife is going to have to read this… Whatever happens with Elin, I hope Tiger and I can reconnect and remain good friends." Yeeeahhh… Not gonna happen. Meanwhile, Rachel Uchitel is saying she did not have an affair with Tiger Woods but met him twice. Her friends, however, say that he was exchanging sexts and emails with her. And one email is about how he had a terrible dream that she was "getting fucked by [former flings] Derek [Jeter] and David [Boreanaz]. Some part of me thinks you would like that." MOVING ON. We loved Mindy Kaling's "25 Things You Don't Know About Me" — especially "I will see any movie that features a makeover set to music." (For more see image 12!) Next, Nicole Kidman is not pregnant, her rep confirms. John Mayer has a late night show "in development," but 85% of Us readers would not watch it. Jessica Simpson was overheard at a restaurant asking her mom, "Do I like Gouda cheese?" Have you seen Heidi Klum's adorbs new baby? See image 13! Also, you probably were not aware, but "Thanksgiving Is For L♥vers." (See image 14.) Lastly: "No celeb goes to Villa in West Hollywood on Thursday nights anymore." But on November 19, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren both showed up with their friends and sat together, and after about 30 minutes, started making out "lip on tongue." "It was raw," says an eyewitness. "They were not shy." Lindsay spoke to Us and says she and Cash are friends who are collaborating on a potential TV show. "This is so absurd. He is married. I wouldn't dare kiss him."
Grade: C+ (1 over par)

From Ok!

From Ok!

From Life & Style

From In Touch

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• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
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• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
• 
  
• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
• 
  
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• 
  
• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
• 
  
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
• 
  
• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
• 
  

  Exhibit A.
  

• In Morocco, nobody can hear you scream. Actually, in Morocco, Jennifer Aniston is the biggest thing since sliced bread. Apparently, she was there for a week, and she got into a car with Orlando Bloom, and there was "breathless speculation" about romance. That said, this woman couldn't get into a car with a Clydesdale and a brass instrument without sparking breathless speculation about romance between the three of them. Her vagina must have some kind of magical property to it, or it must be some kind of unspoken Hollywood male birthright: If you don't touch this vagina, you will never be in contention for People's Sexiest Man Alive. Robert Pattinson's at least given her a foot massage. At least. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• The Daily News didn't have any good gossip items today, so instead they ran two pages about how Jake Gyllenhaal is a "jack of all trades" or something. They go very out of their way to assure us that him and Reese are definitely dating, and that his two new movies—the melodrama with Natalie Portman about whatever with Tobey Maguire, and Prince of Persia, where he gets to dress in clothing Tom Cruise only dreams about wearing in public—are very different. Sometimes, I just want to knock over the Daily News gossip page. Nothing else, just "knock over." [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• OKAY. OMG. OMG. You can't be serious right now. Crackface Courtney Love ran into DJ Qualls at 1OAK when they were both clubbing on Thanksgiving eve. Qualls and Love ended up making out, and then they went to a strip club together. Yes, you know who DJ Qualls is. This dude. Always ending up in crazypants situations like that, isn't he? Related: JESUS Page Six you are the best. Sometimes, you just make me want to knock over the Daily News gossip pages. Nothing, just "knock over." [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Years of wearing comically oversized stiletto heels that she uses to make the bouncy dog toy otherwise known as her husband David Beckham squeak has left Victoria "Ground Cumin" Beckham in need of foot surgery to remove bunions. Ah, yes, bunions. I can think of nothing sexier for Becks and Posh's image than some bunions. That oughta help. [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Somehow, Lindsay Lohan can still afford a dickhead security crew, because there was one ready to erase any pictures the lead singer of Cobra Starship had on his phone after he snapped away at Lohan getting trashed at Hudson Terrace. He was the DJ there, but Lohan's security people could care less. Because, like Lohan, they're clueless assholes. This is how you win back the love of the people, Lohan. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Michael Phelps has dated not one but two Miss California ladypeople. Which is two more Miss California ladypeople than everyone else gets to date. The plot, however, thickens: Phelps dated Carrie Prejean at one point. The entire subtext behind all reporting of this fact is: we hope they made a sex tape. I...can't argue with that sentiment. Also, I hope she didn't suck any of Phelps' brain cells by osmosis. That wouldn't be nice. [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Who eats at The Waverly Inn on Thanksgiving? Try Martin Scorsese and Oliver Stone on for size. Yeah, these two guys, who do all the movies about the crooks and the psychopaths and the sociopaths, guess where they have dinner on Thanksgiving? Yes, The Waverly Inn. Of course. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• So, J-Lo's sex tape is coming out and before we go any further, am I allowed to submit a name for this? Is Jenny From The Cock too vile? Yes, it kind of is. Okay. We can just go with Gigli. That's not vile. Anyway: J-Lo's sex tape is on its way out and it might involve spanking of some kind. Yeah: spanking. Great. Can you tell how underwhelmed I am by this? Normal celebrity sex tapes are just so passe, nahmean? I want to hear about the DJ Qualls/Courtney Love sex tape. Hear about, not necessarily watch. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• File Under: Happy Families You Never Thought Would Be Happy. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith saw West Side Story with, like, 15 people. And then they had lunch. This is the kind of reporting you won't get from the New York Times (and especially not the Daily News): "Banderas, who had missed breakfast and lunch, ordered two entrees and finished them both." Revelations. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Paris Hilton opened her mouth to talk about what a tomboy she is. Yes, because if there's anything a straight guy loves to do, it's dress in pink, carry around small dogs, and blow Rick Salomon on camera. Paris Hilton, there are tomboys out there who flinch at that distinction. For them: don't. People called this a "style revelation" or something. I want to drill a hole in my face. [People]

Did you guys all have a good Thanksgiving? I hope so. It's good to know that some people, however beleaguered time and time again by the mystical forces of love in the universe, will not back down. Jennifer Aniston, for example. If I'd put the good money on her still making the top of the gossip roundup before there was a gossip roundup, I would've lost it. Anyway: This jam goes out to her, and you all. I hope you bought tons of useless wonderful things yesterday and stimulated our economy and hopefully those useless wonderful things will go to wonderful, resilient people. Like Jennifer Aniston! See how I did that? Neither do I.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

Ok!
"Oops, I Did It Again!"
Justin Trawick was tucking in Britney's boys when Sean blurted out, "Good night, daddy!" Britney's heart "simply melted," says a source. It was then that she realized how good a father and husband he would be! Britney wants a "real" wedding this time — the white dress and the wedding cake — but she doesn't want it to be a spectacle, says a "friend." The mag says Britney and Jason will wed on the beach in Costa Rica, Hawaii, Mexico or Australia, which really narrows it down! Brit will fly in 200 guests, including Madonna, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Also, Britney is hoping "Jason can give her something else she's never had: A baby girl." Next: A source says that Jennifer Aniston will only date guys who are approved by her close friends, and she has rules: He has to be over 40, never married, no children, not a player, not a musician and not an actor. Producers are ok, as are writers and directors. But he has to be financially stable and emotionally stable. Finally: Robert Pattinson has a Christmas "surprise" for Kristen Stewart: He's planning a secret getaway to a cottage in the English countryside; then they'll spend Christmas in London with his parents.
Grade: F (stress fracture)

In Touch
"Katie Moves Out."
Katie's been telling Tom that she needs her space, but he keeps showing up to the set of The Romantics on Long Island. They had a fight in her trailer, and she said she's had it with his domineering ways and can no longer relate to his movie-star lifestyle. (?!?!) She's decided to stay in New York alone after the movie wraps. Tom was furious — they'd talked about purchasing a home in NY but Tom had never considered the idea of Katie living there alone. Katie's "embracing" their differences by shopping at the Gap instead of the designer boutiques her husband prefers — and hanging out with her parents, who don't like Tom. Two awesomely ridiculous sidebars: "Does Katie Have The Dawson's Creek Love Curse?" and "Tom's Exes Have Broken Free." (See image 7.) Moving on: "Celebrity Cellulite Wars" alleges that Rihanna and Beyoncé are "constantly pitted against each other." Now Beyoncé is "getting her revenge" because Rihanna "has embarrassing cellulite" while Beyoncé is "smooth and sexy." The copy declares: "Rihanna was spotted with lumpy thighs. It's been a rough year all around." Angelina Jolie is "ruining the holidays" by informing Brad that she plans on taking their six children to Vietnam. The accompanying caption reads, "No yams in Ho Chi Min city." Sob! Angie says she won't go to Brad's parents' house in Missouri because they don't get along. Brad's mom is "always telling Angie that the kids should be in school, and have a routine, and that they look messy." Also, when he's with his parents, Brad gets lazy — he lets them take care of the kids and "just sits around drinking beer." Brad and Angie had a fight about all this stuff, so he packed his bags and headed for the chateau in France, but as soon as he got there, Angie called and begged him to come home, "confused and trapped in a dysfunctional cycle of fighting viciously and making up, he agreed," an insider says. Next: A two-page story breaks down John Mayer's lyrics from his new album to illustrate how he's dissing Jessica and Jen. The song "Half Of My Heart" is about how John only loved Jessica with half of his heart — the part that liked her hot body! In Nicole Richie news, she has pneumonia, but hasn't been feeling great since she gave birth to Sparrow, is having a tough time handling two kids, fainted once and is too thin. "Their Real Bodies Revealed" features the freaky physical problems of the stars: Megan's "clubbed" thumbs! Denzel Washington's crooked pinky! Etc. (See image 8.) Finally, the best part of this magazine was a picture of Willow, an English terrier mix, reading My Son Marshall, My Son Eminem, a book by the rapper's mother. (See image 9.)
Grade: D- (plantar fasciitis)

Us
"Stuck On Mr. Wrong."
So basically Jennifer Aniston "can't let go" of John Mayer — there's something about him she can't resist. But John is "still in love with" Jessica Simpson. "He can't get over her — all of his friends don't get it." This despite the fact that John used to make fun of Jess — putting the phone down when she'd call and walking away while she rambled. When it comes to the ladies, John has system: "He charms them for weeks over e-mail, impresses with his intellect, and seals the deal with his prowess in bed." Jessica loved how John would educate her about music and life, and would listen like love-struck schoolgirl." Moving right along: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were at dinner party, when Tom turned to Katie and asked, "Where did you go to college? You went to Columbia, right?" Katie had to say: "I got into Columbia but I never went." Awkward! Ashlee Simpson spent over $20,00 on Pete Wentz's credit card and acted like it was nothing; "he's over it." Robert Pattinson has "secret demons" — Margaret thought he maybe killed a man or something, but no: "He's so unhappy," a source says. "He's grateful for the success, but it'd be great if he could just walk away from it all now. He feels completely trapped!" Lastly: Celebrities with shaggy bangs are clearly inspired by canines. (See image 10.)
Grade: D- (bunions)

Star
"48 Best And Worst Holiday Beach Bodies"
What's the difference between a regular beach body and a holiday beach body? Guess Star is hoping Americans waiting in airports and train stations this weekend want to know. There are 17 pages of male and female celebrities in swimwear. FYI: America Ferrera has "killer curves" and Jennifer Lopez has a "big red caboose." Kelly Bensimon has "patches of crepey skin" and Ryan Seacrest has a "jelly belly." Moving on: Joanna Krupa changed her implants, says a plastic surgeon who doesn't treat her (See image 11.) Taylor Lautner gave Taylor Swift a $200 sterling silver heart "commitment" ring from Tiffany. Blind item! "Which sexy celebrity chef was overheard bragging loudly about her fling with a famous singer? The crooner's known for lovin' and leavin', but she has a clueless husband. Burn!" Snoop Dogg almost didn't ring the bell at the NYSE — he slept through his alarm! Britney's kids drew all over the walls of her home, causing thousands of dollars in damage, but instead of teaching them to draw on paper, she put up plain wallpaper and let them go at it, because she wants them to explore their creativity. "Inside Jen & John's Twisted Romance" alleges that Jennifer Aniston planned her trip to Cabo for the two of them — but John Mayer never showed up. In October, she flew to NYC to visit him, only to have him ignore her calls for 3 days. "She was just waiting in her hotel room," an insider says. Then she flew home broken-hearted. "One minute he'll tell her he's not feeling in, and then the same night, he'll drunk dial her, telling her she's the love of his life. He tells her they're star-crossed lovers, and their romance is like a Greek tragedy." Who gets to poke out their eyes? Once Jen found a lacy thong in his bedroom, but John said it was hers. They argued about it, a source says, and "finally she gave up and said it might actually be hers — it's as if he has the power to brainwash her." And "After he flaked out on her in Mexico, she started emailing him photos of herself in a bikini and writing stupid stuff in the subject line, like "2 good 4 u." Next: Beyoncé and Jay-Z have been "working overtime" to conceive a child but have not had any luck, and Beyoncé is heartbroken. Shauna Sand says Chace Crawford was her "teen lover." She's 14 years older and says four years ago when he was 18, they had a "steamy, sex-filled romance." He was a virgin when they met and the first night he came over, she checked his ID to make sure he was really 18. When they first started hooking up, she had to show him a thing or two, but by the end, they were having "wild" sex with whipped cream and so on. Is Tiger Woods cheating on his wife with someone named Rachel Uchitel? They met in May and have been sexting. Allegedly. Teresa Guidice from RHONJ was filming a guest spot on Mercy and could barely remember her lines and kept cursing. When someone asked if she was the housewife who flipped a table, she said: "Don't effing bring that up." Carey Mulligan's best friend Keira Knightley has become a "La Beouf-blocker." Carey told Shia that Keira warned her that he's a player, which enraged Shia, because he's really genuine. Finally: Nicole Richie is in talks to star with Joel Madden on an at-home talk show where Nicole's famous friends pop by to be interviewed by the couple. She's turned down roles because she doesn't want to be away from her kids, but this way, she'd work from home.
Grade: D (corns)

Life & Style
"It's On!"
The editors of this magazine got a draft of the script for The Tourist, a new flick that Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp have signed on for. And there are sexy scenes! For instance: "The outline of her naked body is visible in the shower," the script teases. "Frank walks to the shower and opens the glass door. Walking in, he lifts Kara against the glass, clutching at her slithery body, kissing her frantically. She kisses him back with ardor, wrapping her dripping legs around his back." Since Angie has hooked up with costars before (Jenny Shimuzu, Jonny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, maybe Colin Farrell, definitely Brad Pitt), and they're both Geminis, it is clear that they MUST fuck while filming. There's a great sidebar about how Angie and Johnny have so much in common: They both love France! Their kids love Pirates! (See .) Next: Janet Jackson has talked to ABC's Robin Roberts why she gained 60 lbs: "There are people that — if there's something that's stressful, whatever it may be, they don't eat. I'm the opposite." She discusses this in her upcoming book True You, which will be released in 2010. She told Robin: "It was originally about weight loss, but I wanted it to be more about my triggers. [My emotional eating] started when I was very little. My brothers were gone on tour a lot, and I would miss them so much. I wish I had a book like this when I was that young." Moving on, Lindsay Lohan is in counseling. She goes two or three times a week, and it's not a program or substance abuse thing, or a police officer watching her. It's someone to talk to in a confidential setting. A friend says: "Her problems are all about Daddy. If Lindsay had a stable dad, none of this would be happening." And this is an actual sentence in the magazine:

"Is seeing a therapist twice a week enough? All I can say is maybe," says Marc F. Kern, an addiction specialist in Beverly Hills who doesn't treat Lindsay.

In a sidebar, we learn that Lindsay posed for pictures for an upcoming issue of the French magazine Purple in which she's topless and simulating a threesome with a male model and a female model — the guy is lying on top of her. Is it a ploy to make Sam Ronson jealous? America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox says: "If there is any opportunity for me to model — I'll take the job." Lastly: Check out these weird courtroom sketches of Nicole RIchie, Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton. (See image 13.)
Grade: D+ (callouses)

From In Touch

From In Touch

From In Touch

From Us

From Star

From Life & Style

From Life & Style

Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

Courtenay Semel, for those who are not familiar with her heiress-level fameballing, is not a shy and retiring person. A person does not make out with her attention-craving girlfriend Tila Tequila on red carpets because she mistrusts the media; a person does not scream at a club bouncer to "just fucking Google me, you dumb fuck" because she mistrusts the media; and a person certainly does not "joke" to a magazine reporter that "I'm kind of like the Don Juan of the lesbian world," as Semel did with Curve, because she mistrusts the media.

So it's odd that Semel would tell Curve that the "media kind of ruined that relationship" she had with Lindsay Lohan by saying the pair were dating. Semel added: "I can't even have a best friend because I guess I'm going to be linked with them next." But maybe she also can't have friends because she gives underminey quotes about them, like this one, from the new interview:

I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do.

That's a fairly cutting quote considering that Lohan has yet to enter rehab per Semel's urging. Of course, when Semel only went to rehab herself after her dad cut off access to the trust fund, something she left out of her little zinger. Semel, it would seem, grasps the advantages of strategic oversharing as well as the rest of her internet-bred generation; if only daddy Terry had been so savvy, Yahoo might be in a better place today.

[via People]

(Semel with heiress Casey Johnson this past May, top, via INF; Semel-Tequila pic, lower, via x17online.com)

• Heidi Klum continues to defy gravity and nature, agreeing to yet another Victoria's Secret show shortly after giving birth her fourth child. Obviously, this woman sold her soul to the devil long ago in return for a flab-less belly and elastin-rich skin that knows not the plague of stretch marks. Vicki's is having a bit of a staffing crisis for this year's $12M show, with angel-wing heavyweights Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bundchen, and Adriana Lima all preggers. [P6]
• 
  
• Meanwhile, Amanda Peet told Parade she can't stop the parade of age: "I'll sag no matter what." Now that's my kind of girl. [P6]
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• "Sticky Fingers" Lohan is back! LiLo reported "stormed into the kitchen" at L.A. club Crown Bar "and grabbed two bottles of really expensive champagne. She finished both bottles with a friend." Presented with the check, she had a "meltdown," then had to call a friend to borrow a credit card number. This is deeply, tragically pathetic. You know, there was a time when being a young Hollywood trainwreck was enough to get you a free drink in this town. [NYDN]
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• The National Enquirer says Regina Letterman kicked Dave out of their Westchester manse, forcing him to live in relative squalor in his massive lower-Manhattan loft. But wait! Letterman's spokesman has denied the report to the Daily News, which sniffs that the "supermarket tabloid" has the story all wrong. Standards, people. [National Enquirer] [NYDN]
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• After blowing 0.08 and 0.09 breathalyzers and receiving a DUI, Stephanie Pratt is going to rehab. Hey, did someone just say "free champagne"? [ShowBizSpy]
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• Jon and Kate Gosselin were both invited to Phillies star Shane Victorino's Hawaiian paradise wedding, but only Jon went to the Flyin' Hawaiian's nuptials. The kids stayed home with Kate. [RadarOnline]
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• German police raided an apartment near Stuttgart in connection with Cindy Crawford's extortion case. Edis Kayalar, the 26-year-old German national accused of trying to blackmail Crawford with a horrifyingly sadomasochistic photo of her 8-year-old daughter, will definitely go to hell if the accusations are true. Even blackmailers have certain lines they don't cross. [NYDN]
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• Hotel owner Andre Balazs (of Meapacking porno fav Standard Hotel fame) is a cover boy: He co-stars with model Angela Lindvall in the new Brioni ads, because sometimes being filthy rich and fabulous just isn't enough, and you just need that extra oomph of being objectified by gay men, too. [P6]
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• Hurting for cash or overflowing with creative talent? Flavor Flav is entering Doritos' annual "Crash the Super Bowl" ad contest, putting himself in the running for a $1 million prize. [P6]
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• "Ominous Illness Sidelines UFC Champ Lesnar": Apparently ultimate fighting's heavyweight champ is holed up in hospital in North Dakota, and everyone's whispering about what's really wrong with him. The first reports said swine flu; then they said mono. The whole ordeal is weirdly secretive, which makes me think of that one rapper who had AIDS. Hopefully Lesnar has something really shocking, but also benign, so we don't have to feel guilty about it. Like a third testicle, that has suddenly begun to descend. [TMZ]
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• Julianne Moore will guest on 30 Rock as Jack's lover. Apparently the surfeit of 30 Rock guests' Emmy noms has the cream of Hollywood's crop begging for a chance to get on the show. [NYDN]
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• Why is everyone still freaking out over Brangelina going to Saturday's MOCA gala? She wore a black dress, he wore a suit. They stared at art and said nothing. Are the rest of our celebrities so boring that this pair's silent, monochromatic presence in a hushed art gallery two days ago is big enough to score top billing at RadarOnline? But wait, look at this sentence, it has a hyperlink: "Angelina looked quite different when she did a swimsuit modeling sessions as a teenager." Now I see. [RadarOnline]

Lindsay Lohan and momager Dina have made it very, very clear that the order of protection they have against Michael means that he needs to stay as far away from them as he can. He's wiretapped conversations with Dina and tried to sell them. They're getting orders of protection and are telling the press they're scared. And Michael's hitting the press trail with everyone who'll listen.

But this is a little too intense. Sure, Michael Lohan looks like a bad James Woods character, and there's no question that he's desperate to be a power-barnacle on his family's dwindling resources of fame. But the taping of calls proves the criminal length to which he's willing not to help, but to go public with his "cause" in order to draw attention to himself. All of this begs the question: if Lohan actually needs help, how would Michael Lohan even know?

It doesn't matter. Because when you do shit like this, even if they're just for theatrics, you're insane, and possibly, dangerous, and even worse, shameless about how dangerously insane you are in the name of "protecting" your daughter while trying to invoke a higher power to electrocute you.

Hollywood gossip is a joke and the people who take it seriously are just as funny, and the fact that there's a massive industry built around it is hysterical if you can laugh through the sadness. I'm of the opinion that one shouldn't take it as anything but a big, sad joke. And it's hard to feel bad for one of that big joke's biggest characters, Lindsay Lohan, and her self-subscribed fates.

But here's someone who's already had a long, long life, no matter who made it hard. And of all the things Lindsay Lohan did to herself, I still can't imagine actually being able to will something like Michael Lohan into their existence repeatedly. Unless their name is Dina Lohan.

Now I feel bad for her.

• You guys. Don't you just love it when you sit around talking about the good old days, like St. Elmo's Fire, or something, and then something happens to remind you that, you know what, These Are The Days? Something like that happened and it made the front story of Page Six. Who ran crying out of a party? Lindsay Lohan ran crying out of a party. God, I feel 22 again! So: Am I supposed to know who this Courtenay Semel person is? She looks like a broke-ass Brittny Gastineau or something. Actually, I have no idea what the hell she looks like, either, it just sounded right, you know? Anyway. This Court-en-ay person used to be good friends with LiLo and then (Team) Lohan became too fabulous for her and now, they ran into each other at a party at Gastineau's place. Apparently, Court-en-ay (sound it out) just got out of rehab and came back ready to rock out with her fabulous out, or whatever, and she decided to try to help LiLo by giving her some advice on going to rehab in a very public manner. Princess Lipsdsay was not happy about this and cried and left, and all of the Sunlillies in the Kingdom of Hollywood wept a shimmering, single petal, as they do every time Lilo leaves a party that had Jill Zarin, Nicole Murphy and Jamie Foxx at it (Let's be honest, you know Jamie Foxx made a really funny joke about this shit: Blame it on the Bus-prin?). Lohan left to go party with some shipping heir, Starvos The Greek, until 7AM. [Page Six]
  
  
• America's Prettiest Homophobe Carrie Prejean apparently made seven different sex tapes and took lots of nekkid pictures before she was a Crazy Homophobe and went on Larry King and freaked out. Girl, don't you get it? You say some stupid shit and act all proud, like we should care. Then, you try to "take your message" of hate out whatever, fine. But you know the world's gossip pages are run by queens and showtune-loving Jews who would love nothing more than your moral hypocrisy of shame spread prostrate (or in this case, spread eagle) in front of America the Public? You should get Levi Johnston's manager, this Tank character. He may be a crook, but at least he's a crook who knows what he's doing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Twilight fans, you know how much I hate you. Now know how much the directors of the movie hate you: Catherine Hardwick was basically all like, yeah, Rob Patz and K-Stew's romance was a slowwwww burn, baby. Which probably feels like taking a band-aid off very slowly to you. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, Daniel Radcliffe, you are the shit, son. Radcliffe denied he smoked weed today after he was pictured on the front page of a British tabloid smoking what appeared to be a paper with some wackiness in it and wearing a, wait for it, "bizarre, comic-looking beard etched on his face." Much like my real one. He claims to be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette. Does it matter what he was smoking? He either smokes rollies or he smokes L's, and he was wearing a drawn-on beard on his face. He likes cougars, and the first performance he made on Broadway was a Dirk Diggler moment people shelled out over $100 to see. Also, he's Harry Potter. Could have it worse, you know? [Page Six]
  
  
• Lindsay Price and Josh Randor broke up. Who? One of them is from some Eastwick show the other is a guy from How I Met Yo' Momma. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams: Bootylicious? Apparently, her jelly isn't ready to play tennis these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Shameless Self-Promotion: Jared Leto is the best. [BlackBook]
  
  
• Some dicknose trying to shake down Cindy Crawford is a real piece of shit. Surprised? He also beat his ex-wife a bunch when they were married. [NYDN]
  
  
• And speaking of dicknoses, Jon Gosselin is now claiming to be too famous to be employed. So serious right now. He's filing a lawsuit against TLC saying that they've rendered him unemployable due to the insane media interest on him. Hey, Court of Law, as a member of the media, I can say that Jon Gosselin is the one attempting to draw our interest out, and he's pretty bad at that job, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Stripper, to Fergie: "Sorry for sleeping with Josh Duhamel." Kids, to Stripper Mom: "Sleeping with Josh Duhamel < Stripping." [NYDN]
  
  
• Normally, whenever PETA opens their mouths, even if it's for a good cause, you're like OMGSTFU PETA, you guys are being crazy-obnoxious right now and a detriment to your cause. But I have to say, on this one, well played: they're asking US Marshals to donate Ruth Madoff's furs to the homeless to "highlight the difference between need and greed." Like, whoever made that PR play and got it in Page Six, smooth. Take the day off, PETAPerson. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some old guy does it with young chicks, or something. Go get 'em Saturday gossip pages. [Page Six]

And here we are: Saturday, the Saturday of Our Lives. I don't know what that means, but maybe Lindsay Lohan will help us all find out.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• 26-year-old Edis Kayalar is accused of blackmailing Cindy Crawford and husband Rande Gerber with a "sexy photograph" of their 8-year-old daughter "in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged." The photo was taken by the girl's former nanny; Kayalar allegedly wanted $100K for it, but ended up handing it over to Gerber for a mere $1000 and the promise of a wire transfer in the near future. Excuse me, I have to go induce vomiting to get this horrible story out of my system. [NYDN]
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• "Everyone was talking" about Nicole Kidman at the CMAs. "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan." Kidman reportedly "flipped out and took off running" when people started asking questions. [P6]
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• When Harry Potter gets high, he "laughs his head off." The Mirror says Daniel Radcliffe smoked a spliff at a party and started babbling about how awesome weed is and let a chick draw on his face, which is actually compelling evidence that Radcliffe is pretty clean-cut, because no self-respecting pothead would act that stupid unless a vaporizer was involved. [Mirror]
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• "Chris Brown still can't live down his Rihanna attack," Page Six says. Um, I should hope not, mostly because the phrase "live down" usually refers to sophomoric embarrassments, not brutal acts of violence against a loved one. Apparently Chris went to a shoe store where a woman screamed, "[bleep]ing beater! I hope someone beats the [bleep]ing [bleep] out of you!" and someone caught the inestimably uncomfortable, weirdly long confrontation on video, here. The most surreal part is how people continue to line up to get their photo taken with him, even as the heckler shrieks mere inches from their faces, and then a dude bro jumps into the frame and barks "Chris Brown is the MAN." [P6]
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• Zsa Zsa Gabor has $118,321 in unpaid taxes, which is nothing compared to the $10 million in unpaid Madoff dividends she has. [TMZ]
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• 1-year-old Trig will not appear in Barbara Walters' interview of Sarah Palin, owing to a cold that prevented him from making the trip from Alaska. The deal was supposed to be that Oprah got Palin's first interview, but Barbara would get an exclusive with Trig. Now she'll just have to settle for Willow and Piper. [P6]
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• Twilight director Catherine Hardwicke told Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart not to date: "After I cast him, I told Rob, don't even think about having a romance with her... She's under 18. You will be arrested." Now that Kristen's 19, though, all bets are off! Yahoo. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Maybe the nude romps got her in the mood? Rebecca Gayheart is expecting her first child with husband and fellow video hot tub video star Eric Dane. She is doing yoga, walking on the beach, and eating vegetables to enhance the fetus inside of her, because rich people do everything better, including child bearing. [ShowBizSpy]
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• As the latest installment of Michael Lohan's taped phone conversations with Dina make their way on Radar Online (Lindsay cuts, Dina feared for her daughter's life) TMZ reports that a protective order Dina got in 2005 bars Michael from communicating with her until 2011. Dina's lawyers are apparently working to get Michael thrown behind bars for it. [TMZ]
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• Balloon Dad Richard Heene's mugshot is out! It's not nearly as haggard as you'd hope, but gratifying nonetheless. [TMZ]
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• And in meta-gossip: TMZ stole from Radar. The latter posted Jon Gosselin's court documents against TLC, and an hour later, TMZ posted them, too—after having a photoshop expert scrub off Radar's logo. Clever Radar had "put other markings on the documents," though, so they laid the smack on Harvey Levin. Radar offers but one slyly bitchy comment: "Theft is the sincerest form of flattery." [P6]
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In Touch
"Oh, Baby! 'We're Ready!'"
Here's what Margaret learned: Kendra is a die-hard Nancy Grace fan and is worried about people who hurt children. "I tell Hank, we're going to know every neighbor, every teacher, every priest, everybody around us. We will make sure to be surrounded by good people. Like Jaycee Dugard — how can you not know your neighbors have kids living in tents in the backyard?" Khloe went to breastfeeding classes with Kourtney. None of this is scintillating, but there it is. Also inside: Suri Cruise has found her "sole mate" — another little girl who wears heels! (See image 7). Lots of random stuff in the Aniston/Jolie/Pitt story: Jennifer Aniston has given her friends permission to talk about Angelina for Andrew Morton's book, because she wants the world to know what Angie is really like. While they were filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angie would call Brad repeatedly. "Angelina wanted to plant a seed of doubt in Jen's mind that something was going on with her and Brad," says a friend. "Jen and Brad would fight about it, then Brad would seek comfort from Angelina." At the time, Brad and Jen were actively trying to have a baby. Brad's pal says the book will probably contain information about Angelina that would make it easier for Brad to leave her — with nobody thinking worse of him. Dr. Gilda Carle, who does not treat anyone involved, says the book could open up communication between Brad and Jen and may lead to them reuniting. A story about Beyoncé's baby plans begins, "Beyoncé may soon be putting a diaper on it instead of a ring!" Does that even make sense? Lastly: Kate Hudson is "so desperate" to marry A-Rod, she even agreed to sign a pre-nup agreement to protect his $300 million fortune. A friend says she's already met with an attorney, intent on proving she's not after his cash.
Grade: F (rotting fish)

Ok!
"Angie's Adopting… Without Brad!"
Angelina is "preparing" to bring home a little girl from Syria, "a move that could result in an almighty showdown" in their "already strained relationship." Angie met the girl in October when she traveled to Syria with the UN Refugee Agency. Some more hyperbole: "Blinded by her desire to adopt again, Angie has failed to see the many glaring issues that are threatening her relationship with Brad." Just so you know, this adoption will be "a slap in Brad's face." Moving on: Matthew McConaughey's ladyfriend, Camilla Alves bought son Levi a baby bunny as a pet. (See image 8). Lastly: Secrets from the set of Glee! Madonna requested DVDs of the series for her kids, and is letting the show use her songs for an episode! Quinn and Rachel used to be roommates in real life!
Grade: F (rancid meat)

Life & Style
"Angelina's A Total Fake"
Apparently Angelina "manipulates and controls" every aspect of her life. Is that really a bad thing? Anyway: According to an "insider," Angelina has "mastered the ability to play the greatest role of her life — that of a doting mother and partner who'd do anything for humanity. But the truth is more complex." The mag claims Angie has "no sense of right and wrong" and convinced Brad that their relationship was fine when he was with Jennifer Aniston. "Angie created a world where he was free of accountability and responsibility for another person's feelings." Angie told Brad what was happening between them was bigger than they were and there was no way to deny it. She said they were destined to be together. Maybe she was right? Anywhoo, "Though the actress has stated that she wants the kids to be worldly, growing up in many places, some believe it may be harmful to deprive them or a stable home base." Also, Angelina and Brad are addicted to adopting, and Angelina is addicted to fame. More accusations and bullshit too tedious to print inside. Oh, and she "Says one thing, does another." (See image 9). She says she doesn't think about what she wears on the red carpet, but uses a stylist? That doesn't make her a hypocrite, that means someone else is thinking about what she wears on the red carpet. Gah. Moving on: An insider close to Jay-Z says: "Jay wanted to marry B and make babies with her from practically the day they met." When they were engaged, he called her "wifey" and "my baby's mama." Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer went on a date! He took her to his manager's birthday party. An eyewitness says: "They were clearly a couple. They were acting very lovey-dovey… She was giggly all night." Finally, TLC's T-Boz has Swine Flu! Over the years, she's been diagnosed with sickle-cell anemia, had brain surgery to remove a non-cancerous tumor, and now: H1N1. It took her two weeks to recover, but she says she won't get the vaccine next year, because whenever she gets a flu shot, she feels sick for about three days.
Grade: F (sour milk)

Us
"Angelina's Cruel Lies"
Ian Halperin's new book, Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie , has lots of claims, like: Angelina spread nasty rumors about her romantic rival Jen Aniston; a tipster says Angie was recently taking crystal meth; and Angelina and Brad are just one year from splitting. According to one of Halperin's exes, who worked on Troy with Brad Pitt, but never saw Brad with Angie, "They've broken up so many times, it would make your head spin." A limo driver says: "She has a temper like a cobra." Halperin claims that in 1998, Angie was so distraught that she hired a hit man to kill her. LOL. Also, Brad met a Sudanese model named Amma at a Darfur event and they flirted, fueling fears of cheating. An employee and the Dorchester Hotel in London overheard Shiloh refer to a nanny as "mommy." And, Halperin says, "It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the two were broken up by Christmas 2010." On the other hand, Us reports that Angie and Brad are enjoying "a peaceful French life" : A recent visitor says Angie was in the kitchen doing dishes while the kids were running outside; she could watch from the window. The kids have free reign on the estate's 880 acre grounds; Pax and Maddox run around for hours pointing their fingers at each other like guns. Shiloh and Zahara bond with the ponies and donkeys on the estate and "revel in golf cart rides with Daddy." An insider says: "Every time the cart goes over a bump, Shiloh squeals with delight." Moving right along: We love 3 of the "25 Things" you don't know about Dolly Parton: "I have a treehouse where I write a lot of children's songs." And! "I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and true love. Don't even try to tell me different." And! "I get acrylic put on the inside of my nails as well as the outside. It makes them just like guitar picks." On another page, Kim Kardashian reveals, "I lost my virginity to an R. Kelly CD." Wait, you had sex with a disc? "We put up the music really loud," she clarifies. Lindsay Lohan was "trailing after" Kellan Lutz (Twilight, 902010) at a club and "when she wasn't following him, she was texting him." She talked to him for 5 minutes — but it ended there. He has a girlfriend.
Grade: D- (freezer burned ice cream)

Star
"Mind Games!"
An insider says Jen and Angelina despise each other, and take great pleasure in seeing each other squirm. "Neither has an ounce of empathy." After Thanksgiving, Brad is filming The Lost City Of Z in Brazil, and Jen is planning a vacation in Mexico, but will take a side trip to Brazil! "Jennifer sees her chance for a reunion far from the prying eyes of Hollywood," a source says. "And she knows that when Angelina finds out — and she certainly will — she'll be livid." Jen gets drunk and calls Chateau Mirval in the middle of the night — and she likes that she wakes up Angie. Every time she hears that Brad and Angie are having problems, Jen will call Brad and "act sweet." Then Brad unloads on her, telling her Angie's being moody and difficult, and Jen loves that. Angelina steals all the roles that Jen wants and laughs when Jen's movies bomb. Angelina knows which designers Jen likes and when her "spies" find out she's asked for something, Angie tries to get it first, and be photographed in it. Angie knew that Jen wanted to wear an Elie Saab dress to the Oscars, but Angie got it first, and poor Jen had to wear Valentino. : ( Angelina isn't crazy about Brad's scruffy look, but Jen recently texted Brad, telling him he looked handsome and distinguished in his goatee. Brad likes watching them fight over him, so he purposely leaves out his cell phone so that Angie can see Jen's called or texted. Moving on: A handwriting expert analyzed Twilight autographs, and now we know that Robert Pattinson is highly intelligent; Kristen Stewart is "more traditional and stiff" and Rob and Kristen "feel safe with each other." (See image 10.) Blind item! "Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA's Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable." Since his kid was born, Colin Farrell's girlfriend put a swear jar in his house — every time he curses he has to put in $100. Tobey Macguire was running and heard a "pitiful meow" and saw a scared kitten stuck in a tree! He pulled her to safety with his Spider-Man grip. Rihanna told Diane Sawyer that she doesn't hate Chris Brown, but and insider says she "despises" Chris — so much that if someone mentions his name, she'll say. "Please don't talk about him." Lindsay Lohan went to Crown Bar, where she ran into her former live-in love, Courtenay Semel. She asked to be moved to a table away from Courtenay, then "flirted heavily" with Twilight's Kellan Lutz, to no avail, then ran from the club to "sob in an alley." Lindsay also partied super-late three nights in a row at Leonardo Di Caprio's house. "Wow! Jessica's Revenge" is about how Jess Simpson dropped 15 pounds in 30 days "and she's not done yet." First she lost 5 lbs. by doing a three-day cleanse; then she cut meat from her diet and eliminated her favorite fatty Mexican foods — and has barely touched alcohol. A doctor who does not treat Simpson says: "This is the old Jessica we all know and love." Yes, not the sad, burrito-loving one! The vengeful, fasting one! The whole time Bradley Cooper has been dating Renée Zellweger, he's also been hooking up with his ex, Isabella Brewster — the younger sister of Jordana Brewster. "He wanted to keep it hush-hush, so usually, they'd just grab takeout and stay in," says a source. "He'd call and tell her, 'Bring your hot self over here, and don't forget dinner.'" Lastly: A man who wrote a book titled Blown For Good — about escaping Scientology — says Tom Cruise audited him when the guy was 17. This was 20 years ago. The dude says: "Tom would talk to inanimate objects, like books, desks, bottles, even ashtrays — for hours. You tell the ashtray, sit in that chair. And then you actually go over and put the ashtray in the chair. Then you tell the ashtray, 'Thank you.' Then you do the same thing with the bottle and the book. And you do this for hours and hours." Why? It's Scientology's "Book and Bottle Routine" that "rehabilitates" your ability to control things and be controlled. The guy says he was in a Scientology compound where he was forced to watch clips of Tom Cruise on talk shows. But then he snuck a small TV in and started watching late-night talk shows that made fun of Tom. "I'd see Conan O'Brien dissing Tom, and I was like wait a minute… They were all laughing their butts off about Tom Cruise being a crazy nutjob, but I thought he was awesome."
Grade: D (furry, moldy berries)

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Earlier: All previous Midweek Madness posts

• Radar has a WORLD WIDE EXCLUSIVE that Lindsay Lohan was dating the Heath Ledger when he died. The evidence comes from the umpteenth phone conversation that Michael Lohan secretly recorded with family members, then sold to the tabloid site, because he's just that nice of a guy. In it, Dina says, "She was dating Heath when he died.... I would drop her off and they were friends, very, very close, ok?" Leaving aside the very peculiar decision to drop one's chemically- and emotionally-troubled daughter off at a strange older man's home, does that even necessarily sound like dating? But then the conversation gets sad when Dina says she fears Lindsay will "do something like Heath Ledger did" some day. [Radar]
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• Dina fires back: Michael's betrayal of his family with the phone conversation sales is "unforgivable." Dina, who also regularly sells candid recordings of her children (albeit through lawyer-vetted contracts to reality TV producers) concluded: "My heart is breaking for my children." [E!]
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• Finally! Definitive evidence that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are wildly in love: A photograph of them holding hands on their way to the airport in Paris! But wait—what if they're just messing with us? There was an entire Gossip Girl plotline about a situation just like this, I think the lesson was something along the liens of "believe everything you see on TV," in which case: Confirmed! Edward and Bella are making babies. [PopSugar]
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• Even in death, Jacko knew how to spend. Court documents show Michael Jackson blew a milli on his burial, the L.A. Times reports, including $35,000 for the burial outfit (burned during his cremation) and $16,000 on flowers. Janet, the only Jackson with two pennies to rub together, fronted $49,000, a sum that is paltry only in comparison. [LAT]
  [TMZ]
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• Kate Gosselin respectfully objects to Jon's characterization, on their reality television show, that she must "pull the stick out" of her butt. Looking back, Kate now sees their relationship's doomed fate foretold in that single, sodomitic exhortation: "Perhaps [that] was a sign of things to come." I like to imagine she said it with a sigh. [Us]
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• Surprise of the year: America's Next Top Model judge and Tyra Banks' gay best friend Miss J. has a seven-year-old son. The mother is a "French lesbian" who had Miss J. and ex-boyfriend Alex jiz in a test tube. [Us]
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• Halloween star Danielle Harris' stalker is following her again, on Twitter, leading to an interesting quandary: Does that count? Creepster Christopher Small has a restraining order against him until 2012, but now were sort of curious, does following count as making contact? What about retweets? Christopher tweets things he likes about Danielle as "Stalkr-approved :)" which proves that 140 characters is enough to make an innocent female puke on the spot, and also that emoticon smileys can be really sinister in certain contexts. [TMZ]
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• This might explains why Josh Duhamel thought he could get away with cheating on Fergie: Apparently she didn't know the meaning of "cheating" until a licensed professional explained it her. "I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it's with girls," she explains in the same breath that she admits that she "also love[s] a well-endowed man." [P6]
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• Shanna Moakler called Khloe Kardashian a "donkey" on Wendy Williams' show, prompting one of Khloe's friends to call Shanna a "dirty whore." Khloe delivered the ultimate insult: "I have no idea who this girl is." If only we could say the same about both of them. [TMZ]

Not much is known about the baby-faced Malaysian, but tales of his largess are swirling about and frequently as he has been dropping tens of thousands of dollars at hot spots around the city. Here's what we know:

Name: Take Jho Low
Age: 28
Occupation: Officially he is an adviser to some international corporations, but no one knows what that means or seems to believe that is the truth. People say he's involved in oil, gas, and construction. He and was appointed to the board of Malaysian bank UBG Berhad last year. It's rumored that he's an arms dealer.
Residence: Rents several apartments in the Park Imperial on West 57th St in midtown that house him and his staff—including several body guards. Famous neighbors include Daniel Craig and Sean Combs.
Motorcade: Travels about town with his entourage in a fleet of Escalades.
Nightclub Spending:

• Spent $160,000 in one night at Avenue this September during Fashion Week.
• Routinely spends between $50,000 and $60,000 at Pink Elephant.
• Bought Lindsay Lohan 23 bottles of Cristal at 1OAK when she was celebrating her 23rd birthday.

• Just celebrated his 28th year starting last Wednesday with a four-day bash at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas.
• Megan Fox was flown out to Vegas to hang out with the birthday boy, who routinely surrounds himself with models.
• The hotel pool was surrounded by caged lions and tigers and filled with girls in bikinis. Later, at a nightclub, Low bought 120 bottles of Cristal for the revelers.
• Jamie Foxx gave him a red sports car for a present.
• Paris Hilton and Usher also attended the party.

[Image via Getty]

• Carrie Prejean's mom saw her sex tape when Miss California USA's lawyers screened 15 seconds of it to get Carrie to drop her $1 million lawsuit against them. According to TMZ, "Carrie's mom was in shock—instantly turning sheet white as she watched her daughter give herself a hand." This story just gets grosser and grosser. [TMZ]
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• Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin posed for photos in Times Square, leading to the horrifying-but-inevitable-question that I suspect they wanted us to ask: Is Jon going to pose for Playgirl, too? He fits that special niche of being really high-profile without having a shred of class or dignity, so I wouldn't be surprised if Playgirl went after him. He'd probably pretend like he was considering it so as to soak up as much penis-related attention as possible, but ultimately he wouldn't follow through, because dude just doesn't have the bod, and he's painfully aware of it. Now that he's off the show and on his way to eight child support bills per month, he can't afford the necessary cosmetic procedures he'd probably want to pull it off, either. [NYDN]
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• Today is the day of the Gossip Girl threesome. The Parents Television Council is going into conniptions while The Daily Beast celebrates with a guide to a bunch of other televised three-ways, which really just serves to remind us how prude TV was until Nip/Tuck came along. That show is a systematic assault on American values. I'm not even sure what American values are, just that they are the antithesis of Nip/Tuck. [LAT] [TDB]
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• After last week's success with secretly recorded phone calls with ex-wife Dina, Michael Lohan is now trying to sell "secret recordings" of Lindsay and wants $100,000 for the unbearably creepy package of what will likely amount to nanny cam footage plus a spot of homophobic commentary from the Papa Lo. Ex-wife Dina's making legal threats, but Radar struck a deal where they get the tapes for free, but pay some undisclosed sum for the interview. [P6]
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• The Jackson kids helped install wheels on a legless dog, because manmade alien-robot hybrids have always made them feel at home. [TMZ]
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• Speaking of Jackson kids: Jacko daughter Paris, age 11, has the same hairstylist as Madonna, Britney Spears, and J.Lo. She went last week with her brothers, where an onlooker said "their complete lack of emotion meant it was like watching three robots." Paris had her fingernails painted black. Cry for help? [ShowBizSpy]
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• Kristen Stewart thinks Twilight co-stars Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would make "great husband[s]," which is code for "cute, but totally boring lays." [ShowBizSpy]
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• Victoria Beckham is starting a modeling agency, which we can only hope 'n' wish 'n' pray will join forces with the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and specialize in toothpick-sized trannies with severe faces and a predilection for painful-looking clothes. In the glorious event that one of their managers is reading this and takes my advice (I WILL PAY YOU $$$) (BUT NOT THAT MUCH) I'd like to declare right now that I've got my money on Janice for the inevitable Dickinson-Beckham catfight. Girl is scrappy, although I wouldn't put it past Posh to go below the belt. [ShowBizSpy]
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• The Brits are exporting a new poptart! "VA-VA-voom singer Katherine Jenkins" supposedly gets more press than Madonna and is coming to New York to "do some Christmas shopping, meet the press." But wait! A Google search reveals that the "Marilyn Monroe-ish" Jenkins is actually a classically trained mezzo-soprano whose favored tunes are sacred arias glorifying God (see below), not rhythmically snorting coke off the toilet seat in Peaches Geldof's apartment, which means she will never fill the hole in my heart that Amy Winehouse used to occupy. Page Six, why do you toy with me so. [P6]
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