1. Because of all those celebrity fauxmances

Before Scarlett Johansson was having a supposed email affair with the Democratic nominee she was comparing cup size or at least exchanging some intense glances with her The Other Boleyn Girl co-star Anne Natalie Portman in the pages of W magazine. But that didn't pan out! And don't even get us started on the possibility of a Scarlett — Penelope Cruz affair that was fueled by the steamy trailer for Woody Allen's movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona. We don't want to have to say it. Okay, we'll say it: caliente! Also, back in the day, Penelope and sexy pal Salma Hayek were rumored to be much more than friends. But now Penelope is with some actor dude and didn't Salma recently had a kid with some rich dude. It's going to take a lot more than kissing in public to make us buy a girl-girl star coupling.

2. Because they didn't try to hide it

Plenty of people have had secret affairs they want to cover up (and we're not just talking about Republicans). But Lindsay and Samantha came up with a new way to keep their obviously hot 'n heavy relationship under wraps. By cavorting in public! It's genius. Why would we think she's gay? After all, this ex-rehabber is well versed in the machinations of the celebrity industrial complex — and she has a reputation to protect. Still, she stepped out with her girl toy, getting burgers, holding hands, buying groceries. Regular people do that stuff — not famous lesbians.

3. Because Samantha's not that cute

There. We said it. Not that Long Island Lindsay is really Marilyn Monroe's heir apparent or anything, but the ugly-black-hat-and-sweater-vest wearing DJ is not even the best looking person in her weird family. Could LaLohan really be going out with...her?

4. Because all the gossip blogs said it was so

You just don't buy the whole gay celeb thing when it's shove down your throat. Call it a healthy distrust of the celebrity blogosphere made skeptical by all those crudely drawn sex organs Perez Hilton puts on peoples' faces. A pair of girls or guys can stand within five feet of each other and not set off our gaydar, people. And just because two stars of a popular TV show about New York private school kids decided to shack up, it's no biggie. Wait, that one's obviously true.

Well despite our best efforts not to believe it, now it's really out there. Of course we had our LinRon coming out as well when we labeled Lindsay a gay hero (and at this point she's shooting up our hero list — probably somewhere between Sponge Bob and T.R. Knight). And now it looks like as if the world's most closeted out couple are finally done with the charade.

Not content to just allow the pictures and blogs speak for themselves, LiLo's doing some talking. It's been reported that Lindsay was overheard at her 22nd birthday party telling friends: "I just wanna live a happy, healthy year, continue on the path that I've been on and be with the person that I care about." And the gossip press will just have to accept that Lindsay's here, she's queer—and not just for our titillation.

• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively — woops, sorry, her people, since she refuses to even look at it or something — is/are supposedly pissed at Seventeen over how she looks on the cover, because it looks nothing like her (too distinctive/memorable? Not bland enough??). They love her Vanity Fair and Cosmo covers, though. [Post]
• Lawyers for the wife of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez say Madonna contributed to the break-up of the Rodriguez's marriage, without going so far as to say Madonna and Alex Rodriguez had sex. They don't really need to prove that, since Rodriguez allegedly had many other affairs. Madonna, you'll recall, has denied any affair, as well as her alleged impending divorce from Guy Ritchie. It's possible they just had some kind of weird Kabbalah thing going on. [Sun]
• The Times ran a story on the University of Pennsylvania controversially naming a building after former Page Six editor Claudia Cohen, so now Page Six claims Cohen's many friends "are furious" over the item, and the gossip section is calling the Times story a "smear," since that's the official, empty News Corp. countercharge of the week. [Post]
• Sam Ronson gave Lindsay Lohan a $22,000 ring for her 22nd birthday, because she loves her THAT MUCH. [Showbiz Spy]
• Drew Barrymore broke up with her boyfriend Justin Long, the "Mac" character in those obnoxious Apple Mac vs. PC ads. [People]
• HBO is suing Boston club promoters who, by pretending to be execs at the cable network, got competitors to shut down their Sex And The City parties. Sadly, it's too late for the rest of us to take notes on these innovative, SATC-deflating tactics. [Post]
• Sad Broadway scion Eric Nederlander is not only on his way to his second speedy divorce but also owes $220,000 in back taxes and faces his third lien since 2002. [Post]

• The daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, Courtenay, is dating the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, Casey. Semel used to date Lindsay Lohan, Johnson used to date a dude, until he was "snatched" away by her aunt. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie was seen repeatedly drinking alone in his pub, listening to a folk guitarist, so everyone assumed his divorce with Madonna was about to finally happen. There was something about her kissing Gwyneth Paltrow. Then the pop starlet issued a big massive denial of the divorce, and her affair with A-Rod, and everything. No one's really sure whether to believe her.
• Eliot Spitzer hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre is no longer suing Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for distributing racy footage shot when she was 17. It is time to "focus on the positive" ways to exploit being a famous call girl. [Post]
• A former staffer for celebrity TV chef Rachael Ray said he was harassed for being anorexic. OK, so I suppose there is at least one bad reason to decline to eat Rachael Ray's food. [Post]
• Once-pregnant transexual man Thomas Beatie gave birth to a healthy baby girl without a c-section. [ABC News]
• There are threats of a Friends movie. Sex And The City is, of course, responsible for this travesty. [P6]

Michael Lohan been jailed three times, for fraud and various parole violations; the born-again Christian's belligerence has landed him in a series of lurid confrontations with a garbage man, his brother-in-law at a relative's First Communion, and several men at a Scores strip club, where he also passed out drunk; and he's attempted to cash in on his daughter's name with various ill-begotten reality-show ideas; he also demanded half of former wife Dina's 15% management fee for handling Lindsay's career. But let's dismiss all this as bog-standard bad behavior by a white-trash showbiz parent. Here's what's inexcusable: he'll lie to his daughter while claiming he loves her.

In a voicemail recording that's made its way to our inbox, the Lohan patriarch promises his daughter he'll stop leaking to the press. Just a few weeks later, he exposed the actress's lesbian affair with deejay Samantha Ronson—a relationship rather more stable than that Lindsay Lohan has with either of her parents. He told Us Weekly in an email that the relationship with Ronson was "evident to anyone with half a brain." The part-time preacher said Lindsay Lohan could make her own life choices. "Then it is between her and God." (Here's Star's latest online look at the romance.)

Normally, we wouldn't bother with an attention-whoring showbiz parent. But just occasionally there's hard evidence of their parental failings; and this is one of those times. So listen to this disgustingly whiny voicemail left in April for the Mean Girls star (click thumb to play)—or read the transcript below:

"I've been trying to reach you for a week now. I know that you were annoyed that I gave an interview and my need to comment about the people you are around, and obviously you took offense to it. Honey, I'm sorry. I am telling you, I just love you. And I promise you, I absolutely promise you, I will not mention your name in the press, at all, ever again.

One of the reasons why I got so concerned is because we used to talk all the time. We were always texting, and then the texting was sporadic. You weren't returning phonecalls, so I was concerned. Look, I love you honey. Please, please don't do this anymore. Pick up the phone and talk to me. Everything from now on is between you and me. And I promise you, I will not go back on it, I will not break my word...

I promise you, I'll keep questions out of the press, when it comes to you I promise. Just please, please, honey, call me or pick up the phone. You need to promise me.

Back when everything was going in the right direction, and so a lot of the same things happening and you end up very worried about it. (And the whole reason why), when how things were, (......) were together, when you were climbing, and Mean Girls and ever since Herbie, when I was out of your life, everything started to unwind—all these things didn't do well—and so on, so forth. And how people are blaming me because you're not getting roles or something? (End Of Message)

"Lindsay Lohan has a secret half sister — and the girl's mom is speaking exclusively to Star! Kristi Kaufmann says Michael Lohan is the father of her 13-year-old daughter, Ashley. 'I just want to make sure the truth comes out,' Kristi, 44, said from her home in Florence, Mont. 'Michael is already out there spreading lies.'

"Kristi says she had a years-long affair with Michael, which started while he was briefly separated from Lindsay's mom Dina. It continued even after the couple got back together. 'He met me in Houston and we met again in New York,' she says.

"Kristi says she always suspected that her ex-husband was not Ashley's father, and in 2005 she took a paternity test that proved it. 'The only other person I had slept with was Michael,' she says. 'My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it's Michael,' says Kristi, who is now married to real-estate agent Daryl Kaufmann.

"Ashley is just 18 months younger than Lindsay's sister Ali and a year older than her brother Cody. Sources say Michael, 48, accepts he is Ashley's father and even called her on June 12, her 13th birthday.

"In a statement to Star, Michael said: 'I have known Kristi since 1983, I hadn't seen her for 12 years. Dina and I were separated and I had seen Kristi, she was in the middle of a divorce. Years later she contacted me convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child. My lawyers will sort this out.'"

TedSez's new line beats the original, Sunday in the Park With Georgia Rule.

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]
• Condé Nast is accused of stiffing the widow of advertising rainmaker Steve Florio by not handing over her husband's full severance, insurance and benefits. [P6]
• "Oh, hey, you know what would be romantic, clingy Jennifer Aniston?" "What, manorexic John Mayer?" "A stay at the Mexico vacation home of Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, who served jail time for filming naked underaged girls! He just asks that we not disturb any evidence!" "Yaaay!" (Sorry, it's a lot better with the puppets.)
• This picture of movie Harry Potter is seriously the most frightening thing I've seen all night. Oh, also, he's buying a butt exerciser for some kind of Broadway role (picture does not involve his butt). [R&M]
• Britney Spears took a topless swim at a tops-optional Las Vegas pool lounge. None of the paparazzi got any shots, except of Spears in a skimpy outfit, and now Spears is said to be hawking her own topless photos from the swim. Or, well, technically her father runs her business affairs now by court order so... Ew.
• Lindsay Lohan has been "amazing" on the set of her movie, which means she's not getting drunk or high or passing out or committing felonies during working hours. Well, sure, but it's summertime. There aren't any nice coats lying around to steal. [People]
• Denise Richards admits to having 10 dogs. Sure they're on a ranch, but... why? "I am not sure why there is so much drama about how many animals I have," she said. Also: after she split with Charlie Sheen, Richards totally stole Heather Locklear's man, while they were friends. But on her reality show, she says they totally weren't friends any more, for three months. [P6]

Ms. Decker, 27, one of the movie’s directors, seemed a little embarrassed by her own limited experience.

“The sad thing is, I desperately need to get with a girl,” she said, adding that a few stolen kisses was all she could count on the female side of her sexual ledger. “I just didn’t want it to be some random woman.”

At least Decker is honest about her "desperate" attempt to jump on a trend. Given the tenor of the launch party for her documentary, it would have been hard for her to bill the film as a serious examination of female sexuality:

At the after-party for the screening, at Vlada on West 51st Street, the culture seemed to be shifting in several directions simultaneously. A woman in Ziggy Stardust makeup, wearing a prosthesis cast from a man’s penis, participated in a simulated sex act. A while later, the woman, Amy Ouzoonian, a dancer and performance artist, made out on a couch with a mannish woman in a black suit.

The documentary apparently does throw out some mildly interesting facts as it retreads the old idea that women, like men, tend to find women more stimulating to look at.

What really matters to women, Dr. Chivers said, at least in the somewhat artificial setting of watching movies while intimately hooked up to a device called a photoplethysmograph, is not the gender of the actor, but the degree of sensuality. Even more than the naked exercisers, they were aroused by videos of masturbation, and more still by graphic videos of couples making love. Women with women, men with men, men with women: it did not seem to matter much to her female subjects, Dr. Chivers said.

“Women physically don’t seem to differentiate between genders in their sex responses, at least heterosexual women don’t,” she said. “For heterosexual women, gender didn’t matter. They responded to the level of activity.”

So, generally-straight women like watch women masturbating and having lesbian sex. Interesting. Someone should do a study on the sexual appeal of a video of two disingenuous women going through the motions of a lesbian fling and then rushing to exploit the affair for cash and/or bragging rights. Who knows, maybe that'll still be hot! And bankable.

[Times]

• Lindsay Lohan's mom Dina faces "immediate arrest and imprisonment" if she doesn't show up in court this morning on charges she gets drunk in front of her kids, 11 and 14, and the she missed 15 of 29 court-ordered visitations, and showed up to one inebriated. Ex-husband Michael Lohan also threw in to the court filing that Dina is sometimes mean to her puppy — putting it in a kennel instead of letting Michael watch it — because he knows that will piss people off more than the child abuse or whatever. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, Lohan is way too classy to be on her mother's reality show, and also too busy flashing her panties at the MTV movie awards in a desperate attempt to look like Marilyn Monroe. Tila Tequila wants Lohan to come out of the closet, because think of the moneymaking opportunities.
• Tom Cruise likes to invite big powerful Hollywood men for a ride in the cockpit of his airplane. But only once they've memorized a sufficient number of homoerotic lines from Top Gun. [TMZ]
• Jennifer Aniston's friend Courteney Cox has a husband who is eight years younger, so Aniston introduced Cox to her new boyfriend, John Mayer, who is nine years younger. In case it wasn't totally obvious she was trying to show off, Aniston also wore one of those tops where you can totally see her boobs.
• Naomi Campbell reminded everyone that if Yves Saint Laurent had not gotten her onto the cover of French Vogue in the 1990s, she couldn't have have squander her massive opportunity to become a role model to girls worldwide. [Showbiz Spy]
• Angelina Jolie comes to the same conclusion as much of the moviegoing public, declaring of husband Brad Pitt: "I don't see him as an actor." [E!]
• Robert Downey Junior refused to post for a picture with Office and Get Smart star Steve Carell: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing, cross-promoting?" [R&M]

“In the big picture, this is not important, but there is a relationship between the entertainment industry and fashion,” Parker said on Thursday evening, adding. “We’ve watched sales dwindle and we’ve watched people be less inclined to spend money on clothes.” To Parker, these are reasons for companies to take particular care with their relationships. “Look, my affection for the dress hasn’t changed,” she said, “but what they did was so short-sighted. It’s just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again.”

Interesting. But, um, also unethical? Using your biggest fans as unwitting publicity props by giving the worthless tickets, having them line up for hours and then sending them home without the promised movie, all because your production company was too incompetent to secure the thousands of available extra seats.

And they don't have a $56 million, twice-as-good-as-expected opening weekend box office to cushion the slight.

[Times]

"Upon nightfall an intimate group of 75 VIP guests will gather for dinner, performances and most importantly to help Lindsay blow out the candles on her 22nd birthday cake... the Moroccan themed party will take place at a five-bedroom Malibu mansion."

During the whole "Lindsay Ronson" Facebook reveal and the earlier "Get...away from my girlfriend" brouhaha, the freckled scarecrow never really made a peep, to deny or otherwise. Unlike her male counterparts, like former boybander JC Chasez and his possible roommate/lover Chace Crawford (from Gossip Girl, natch), who doth protest too much, it's (can't believe I'm going to say this) almost admirable that Lohan has chosen to take the high road on this one. Of course, she could just be a crazy person who doesn't have any sense of how to handle her PR and her career (this is very, very likely). Or! She's an almost-cool "eh, fuck it" lesbian-type. That would be a fun development in the mostly tired Lohan saga, no?

Image from Splash.

• Jennifer Aniston and boyfriend John Mayer got into a hotel pool in Miami, and there were pictures, and everyone found this very exciting for some reason. The Sun went above and beyond, as usual, with shots of the two parts of the actress' body any experienced reader of the British tabloid would expect it to focus on. (Photo from X17)
• Richard Simmons signed DVDs in aisle six of a Chicago Walgreens, and TMZ managed to find something unfunny to write about it: "One woman even passed out because she was so excited to see him! Well, she actually passed out because of complications from her being a diabetic. Close enough!" [TMZ]
• Here are pictures of Jenna Bush in her Oscar de la Renta wedding dress. Also, sober. [GaySocialites]
• Weird club scene: A newly single Al Reynolds was hitting on women and "drinking all night with his pinky in the air." Sean Combs, in the same establishment, was sitting in the corner reading a book. [P6]
• Meanwhile, in a West Hollywood club, Lindsay Lohan was crying, probably about having to return that fur coat. [P6]
• One-legged Heather Mills promised to buy two artificial legs for a Russian mother and then never paid up, said British friends of the Russian. There are so many puns I could make right now, if I worked at TMZ. [News Of The World]
• People saw Kate Hudson wearing an engagement ring and got very excited, thinking the actress was about to marry fellow crazy Owen Wilson. But it turns out she's just shooting a movie about brides. It's not like you can slip in and out of wardrobe at will. [Us]
• Madonna said the f-word twice at a concert in England and almost exposed her boobs, and people complained, as though that's not what you pay Madonna to do. [Sun]

Of course she got her lawyer involved ("I don't know what her motivation was. Maybe it was rare to find a blond mink that matched her hair," he said graciously), and the coat was returned under mysterious circumstances. Was Lohan caught red handed (read: covered in animal blood)? She was wearing a different black coat earlier that fateful night. Intrigue! Lohan has not admitted to thievery, and Markova is seeking punitive damages in "the six figure range," because I guess the emotional anguish of losing one's fur coat for a few days is just as taxing as sexual harassment or wrongful termination or something. Markova's lawyer says: "If my client had gotten an apology (and the coat) a day later, she would have rolled her eyes and said, 'Party girl.' But it wasn't that way." Sigh. Didn't we almost have it all. The 1Oak nightclub, for what it's worth, says "Clearly, this girl is looking for publicity. She misplaced her coat. 1Oak returned it. End of story." Are they telling the truth? Are they just being loyal to the famous actress? A thickened, mysterious plot.
Picture via INF

• Britney Spears managed to stay out of the mental hospital for, like, three whole months, so a court commissioner was "extremely impressed." The singer now gets more time — possibly three days per week — with her kids. No one seems to know how much time she had with them before. But she can maybe have the children over for sleepovers in a month, depending, probably, on how her next TV cameo goes. The system works!
• A Columbia student's $11,000 mink coat was stolen from a New York club during a private party, and she figured she was screwed. Then she saw actress Lindsay Lohan wearing it in a paparazzi photo. She went apeshit and had it returned, but no explanation was forthcoming. "Reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining, the fur coat was no worse for wear after a dry cleaning and quick patch-up." [P6]
• Actor Charlie Sheen has a date for his wedding. Oh, and he's also putting it on the calendar. HEY-OH! Seriously, though, May 30. Only 22 bachelor parties to go! [Perez]
• Angelina Jolie's forthcoming twins are girls, but there are all kinds of worries about the birth. [Star]

• Natalie Portman was with her hippie boyfriend in a park when she got peed on by a dog. There's a picture and everything! Happy Tuesday! [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan told Ashley Olsen to keep her "Full House ass" away from Lohan's girlfriend. [P6]
• Kanye West broke up with his fiancée due to West's, ahem, "busy schedule." [E!]
• Paris Hilton is supposedly getting married in a double wedding with Nicole Ritchie and their Madden brother husbands. There's a picture of Paris holding a book with a picture of a bride on it, so the whole thing is basically confirmed.
• Rudy Huxtable from the Cosby Show will ply a hooker in a movie, since being a hooker is kind of the new black. [ET]
• Britney Spears will keep doing cameos on that one TV show until the ratings stop spiking. [LAT]
• Porn star Jenna Jameson's vagina was stolen from a sex shop. [CBS2]

• Paris Hilton is making a show on how to groom, then leave for dead in a closet, your pets. [Showbiz Spy]
• Naomi Campbell is really sorry for the hitting, kicking, and spitting, officer. And she's sorry in advance for next time, kthxbai.
• An unknown male character (or not) is going to come out of the closet on Gossip Girl. [LA Rag Mag]
• Lindsay Lohan in off-the-wagon-drinking-again SHOCKER. [Perez]
• Kate Hudson cuddled with Owen Wilson on her birthday. [Oh No They Didn't]

• Us reported that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant, as did OK!. An October due date was even floated for the musician's baby. But husband Pete Wentz sent an email to MTV News denying everything and positing a massive conspiracy: "There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood."
• Amy Fisher, meanwhile, happily confirmed she is pregnant, with her third child. [OK!]
• Elizabeth Taylor mixed booze with prescription drugs, began vomiting and couldn't breathe. Her assistant rushed her to the hospital and Taylor went home the same day. All according to the National Enquirer. [Perez]
• Kate Moss, the supermodel who is not banned for life from British Airways, was livid after the airline lost a $20,000 bracelet she bought as a gift for a friend, along with the Louis Vuitton bag it was in. The airline had a disaster of a time trying to open a new terminal at Heathrow last week and an untold number celebrities were inconvenienced and even mortally embarrassed. [Sun]
• Without the stabilizing influence of normal parents like Britney Spears', Lindsay Lohan needs constant monitoring by her best friend to stay out of trouble. [P6]
• Heather Mills convinced Donald Trump to let her help host the Miss USA Pageant despite her extraordinary demands, and was then booed and hissed by audience members. The Paul McCartney ex hailed the appearance as evidence that she is beloved in the U.S. [P6]
• Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow worked out at the gym together in London. [Splash]

• Blogger Perez Hilton is claiming he made out with a bisexual John Mayer. This disturbing visual comes a few days after singer Mayer posted a long rambling thing to his blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." [Perez] (Photo via Perez)
• OK! Magazine wanted to do a big cover story on Britney Spears' miraculous weight loss, but Brit was too fat or ravaged looking or something, so the magazine just substituted a four-year-old photo instead and implied it was a new shot of Spears "back to her old body." [Huffington Post]
• CNN anchor Anderson Cooper bought some pairs of the Armani underwear touted by soccer champ David Beckham, size small. Cooper had just interviewed Beckham for 60 Minutes and asked Beckham to sign one of his Armani ads. So precious. [AC Effects]
• Actress Lindsay Lohan is not being cooperative about recording her new album. [Daily News]
• Mayor Michael Bloomberg can't stop talking about how he got a table at Waverly Inn the other night. Sad. Tuesday at 10:30? Thought so. [Daily News]
• Chelsea Handler of E! said she really loves boning her boss, or her boss' boss or whatever. [P6]
• Singer Bobby Brown said ex-wife Whitney Houston, the soul diva, got him into coke. [P6]
• Ed Westwick of Gossip Girl was a drunken cad at Beatrice Inn. Guy knows how to stick to the script. [P6]
• To "not deal with the media," movie star Brad Pitt got rid of his publicist. Wife Angelina Jolie's crafty mind is, of course, behind the whole, uh, ingenious plot. [P6]

• Game over, Scientology wins, they have Pete Doherty and Sumner Redstone. Viacom chairman Redstone hasn't actually converted but did have lunch with Scientology bigshot Tom Cruise, probably canceling in his area a personal and business rift with the actor and paving the way for more sweet Mission Impossible money. Doherty has been reading up on the religion and shacking up with a Scientologist DJ who probably hasn't yet mentioned the religion's stance on psychoactive drugs.
• Accidental gay porno fan (and singer) John Mayer posted a long rambly blog "about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog... who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man." Then, mercifully, "I'm going quiet now." [JohnMayer.com]
• Star overlord Bonnie Fuller said singer Britney Spears' parents are "pimps" who treat their daughters like "cash registers" and "bank machines." To back this up, the American Media editorial director has both an anonymous quote and a book-plugging psychiatrist. Air. Tight. [HuffPo]
• There's talk of a Hills movie. Well, of course there is. The question is, have they stockpiled enough stares. [MTV]
• Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt "work on their relationship" by going to Vegas and staying in different rooms, in different hotels and barely talking. Actually, that is seriously a dream vacation for some couples. [People]
• Atress Lindsay Lohan will play a member of the Manson family. [E! Online]
• She's supposedly jetting off to rehab soon, but singer Amy Winehouse still can't manage to get to the jail on time to visit her husband. [Sun]

BeGee's new line beats the original, "Someday I'll Be A Real Girl."