Do you think Paul Haggis' public defection opened the floodgates? Put your money where your mouth is. Lines are only open on 11 seemingly randomly chosen Scientology celebs. If any of these people do publicly renounce Scientology, some tabloid reporters are going to make a lot of money on it if they find out first. Here's our handicapping, such as it is:

John Travolta, 9:4
Rumors are swirling in the wake of his admission, contrary to Scientology dogma, that autism exists, and that his deceased son Jett suffered from it. But Travolta doubled down on the cult in July, announcing through his rep that he would be a Scintologist "now and forever," which basically means he knows that if he leaves his former co-religionists will leak all the gay-sounding stuff he said during his auditing sessions.

Katie Holmes, 3:1
We sort of doubt it, since she probably wants to see her daughter again.

Lisa Marie Presley, 4:1
Perhaps. We got a tip not long ago that Presley had blown the church, but her rep denied it. Again, they have files on her—and all of their members—which makes this whole exercise slightly academic. Maybe it would be more fruitful to bet on which vicious rumors will soon begin circulating about Paul Haggis.

Jason Lee, 6:1
Scientology gave him his career, and it can take it away. So no.

Priscilla Presley, 8:1
She and Lisa Marie will probably stay or go together.

Chaka Khan, 10:1
Huh. Who knew?

Nancy Cartwright, 12:1
Long odds are deserved—the Simpsons actor gave $10 million to the church just two years ago.

Brandy, 14:1
There are internet rumors that she turned her back on the church after a 2006 car accident. Combine that with the long odds, and she might be the best bet.

Beck, 18:1
Beck grew up in the church, as did his wife. So he's more likely to view the current trouble rocking the cult as a crisis in his religion that needs to be addressed rather than proof that it is, indeed, a cult.

Kirstie Alley, 25:1
She reacted to Paul Haggis' defection on Twitter in true Scientology style, by denying everything he said. So she's in for the long haul.

Tom Cruise, 50:1
Stranger things have happened.

CORRECTION: We initially described Paddy Power as a British bookmaker. It's actually an Irish company.

[Via New Humanist.]

What better way for two beleaguered entities to divert attention away all of their imbecilic misdeeds than by coming together to form an odd coupling? Hey, it works for celebrities!

But seriously, Palin's piece for the Post on "Cap-and-Trade," an issue we, nor anyone else it seems, have any true understanding of, beyond the fact that it's something hated by the energy conglomerates that Obama says will help save the earth from environmental destruction, which naturally leads us to lean toward being in favor of it.

The whole piece reads like it was written by Sarah Palin pulling quotes from a brochure sent to her by an energy lobbyist. The sentences and paragraphs are short, filled with vague generalities and conservative buzzwords and catchphrases without providing a shred of evidence to support her central assertion, which is that Obama's energy plan will wreck the American economy. The only thing that comes close to resembling any form of "evidence" is her noting that the energy bill includes money to fund the re-training of energy industry employees who lose their jobs because of the plan.

Job losses are so certain under this new cap-and-tax plan that it includes a provision accommodating newly unemployed workers from the resulting dried-up energy sector, to the tune of $4.2 billion over eight years. So much for creating jobs.

Yep. That's it. Everything else is just Sarah being Sarah.

Take Palin's closing flurry for example, which we just love because she manages to work in references to God, Alaska, the need to drill for oil in Alaska's nature preserves, the prospect of having to depend on commies and terrorists for oil, while also managing to mock Obama's 2008 campaign slogan:

We must move in a new direction. We are ripe for economic growth and energy independence if we responsibly tap the resources that God created right underfoot on American soil. Just as important, we have more desire and ability to protect the environment than any foreign nation from which we purchase energy today.

In Alaska, we are progressing on the largest private-sector energy project in history. Our 3,000-mile natural gas pipeline will transport hundreds of trillions of cubic feet of our clean natural gas to hungry markets across America. We can safely drill for U.S. oil offshore and in a tiny, 2,000-acre corner of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge if ever given the go-ahead by Washington bureaucrats.

Of course, Alaska is not the sole source of American energy. Many states have abundant coal, whose technology is continuously making it into a cleaner energy source. Westerners literally sit on mountains of oil and gas, and every state can consider the possibility of nuclear energy.

We have an important choice to make. Do we want to control our energy supply and its environmental impact? Or, do we want to outsource it to China, Russia and Saudi Arabia? Make no mistake: President Obama's plan will result in the latter.

For so many reasons, we can't afford to kill responsible domestic energy production or clobber every American consumer with higher prices.

Can America produce more of its own energy through strategic investments that protect the environment, revive our economy and secure our nation?

Yes, we can. Just not with Barack Obama's energy cap-and-tax plan.

Pity the poor Washington Post copy editor who had the misfortune of having this thing recently land on their desk. That person probably hates their job right now, perhaps so much that they'd be willing to forward us the unedited version of the piece. Just a thought.

The 'Cap and Tax' Dead End [Washington Post]
Pic via

Ian Halperin, the writer of unauthorized biographies on Celene Dion, Kurt Cobain, and James Taylor, penned a piece for the Daily Mail in which he claims to have predicted the death of Michael Jackson six months and one day ago. It appears that he might be telling the truth. There's a lot inside the article, so we'll run it down, for you. Some of it might have full-bodied shades of truth, some of it could be totally off the mark. At the very least, though, it's all pretty fascinating:

- Ominous Prediction: "Had he not been driven – by a cabal of bankers, agents, doctors and advisers – to commit to the grueling 50 concerts in London's O2 Arena, I believe he would still be alive today."

- Jackson's Exhaustion: He was preparing for a string of concerts nobody in their right mind could've thought he could've completed. While leaving a Burbank studio, he reportedly told fans: 'I don't know how I'm going to do 50 shows. I'm not a big eater. I need to put some weight on. I'm really angry with them booking me up to do 50 shows. I only wanted to do ten.' One of his former employees weighed in to Halperin earlier this month: "It's like he's not in control over his own life any more."

- Dr. Tohme Tohme: Jackson's official spokesman as of last year. Incredibly seedy. Refuted a claim Halperin made that Jackson had six months to live, back in December. Tohme called it a "complete fabrication." An important player in all of this, if only to indicate the people Jackson was surrounded by near the end: "Tohme has been alternately described as a Saudi Arabian billionaire and an orthopedic surgeon, but he is actually a Lebanese businessman who does not have a medical license. At one point, Tohme claimed he was an ambassador at large for Senegal, but the Senegalese embassy said they had never heard of him." At one point, Tohme (associated with the Nation of Islam, more below) threatened an auctioneer's life if he didn't postpone an auction of Jackson memorabilia.

- Image Protection: Jackson had a huge collection of wigs that he used out in public to hide his graying, thinning hair.

- Mental Health: Feelings of despondency and suicidal thoughts started surfacing after his latest acquittal from the 2005 sexual molestation trial involving Gavin Arvizo. He was close to a "complete nervous breakdown." He was being fed "pills like candy" by those around him, who were described as "enablers." He was worried he would end up dying like Elvis (a claim backed by Lisa Marie Presley). He wasn't eating and had nightmares of being murdered. His drug of choice was OxyContin. Then there's this: "On June 21, Jackson told my contact that he wanted to die. He said that he didn't have what it would take to perform any more because he had lost his voice and dance moves. ‘It's not working out,' Jackson said. ‘I'm better off dead. I don't have anywhere left to turn. I'm done.'"

- Halperin/Jackson: Halperin began his work with Jackson believing he was guilty, but changed his mind as time went on.

- Jackson's Sexuality: "It is clear to me that Michael was homosexual and that his taste was for young men." He had two secret lovers, supposedly. One was a construction worker who he went on rendezvous with at a seedy motel in Vegas. The other was a young aspiring actor he invited over to his place in LA for late-night trysts.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.- Jackson's Health: He had "Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency," which is a genetic condition that leaves the lungs vulnerable due to a lack of protein. He was receiving injections of a treatment made from human plasma that were fairly effective in combating his condition. Halperin claims sources inside the Jackson camp confirmed that this would explain the wheelchair and surgical masks Jackson could sometimes be seen in public with. He'd lost an abundance of weight in the last few months. People were worried.

- Finances: The Bahraini sheikh Jackson crashed with after the last trial sued Jackson for repayment of what Jackson thought was his "hospitality." Jackson settled on the night before it went to court specifically so his exact financial condition - miserably bad - wouldn't come to light. The only reason any attempts by Jackson to work were made over the last four years were for money. At one point, he was convinced by those around him that he could make a comeback and "be the king" again, however.

- The Beatles' catalog: One of the more insane claims Halperin makes: the only thing standing between Jackson and bankruptcy was his ownership of the Beatles catalog with Sony. Sony's dream was to own the entire thing themselves, and could've repossessed it, but didn't because they were afraid of the bad press it would get them (and potential sales it would cost them).

- Jackson's Will: He has upwards of 200 unpublished songs, the sales and royalties of which are for his children to live off of. His will's going to reveal Jackson's desire for his kids to stay with Jackson's 79 year-old mother, Katherine.

- Nation of Islam ties: Jackson's kids' nanny, Grace Rwaramba, had ties to the Nation of Islam and Louis Farrakhan. Rwaramba was supposedly the "Queen Bee" in Jackson's camp. The Nation of Islam supplied Jackson's security detail and started running his affairs. Farrakhan's son-in-law was Jackson's business manager for a few years, but his role diminished.

And there's so, so much more. Halperin's got a book to promote, and again, there's no telling how many of these claims are going to pan out to be true. But a lot of them are certainly strange and sad enough to be true.

The Michael Jackson story (and the story of how it's going to be handled) is going to stay a bizarre, sad one. A week ago, a Michael Jackson joke was classic if not outdated, another pop culture bar room punchline. And now the reality is that these punchlines might manifest themselves into something much more uncomfortable: the truth, without the protection of settlements and PR cover. Maybe Jackson's going to get the sympathy of a public - or a portion of the public - who went from unconditionally loving him to stigmatizing him overnight. Or maybe it's just going to get worse. This one - the way pop culture reflects on Jackson, on his music, and on his legacy - is still very much being written.

'I'm better off dead. I'm done': Michael Jackson's fateful prediction just a week before his death [Daily Mail]

Employing a creative, whimsical use of apostrophes and spaces, Presley asserts that uninformed observers (most likely psychiatrists or tax collectors) shouldn't use the younger Travolta's death as an opportunity to bash the church:

Folks, as popular as it has been to discriminate and ridicule Scientology and Scientologist's in the recent past , Now is NOT the time.

I realize that there is a lot of mis information out there about the subject which has caused a lot of stone throwing but we are not still in the dark ages and it is still an Unconstitutional Injustice to partake in and encourage such condemnation.

Among most of the crazy made up garbage that goes around about it , It is not true that Scientologist's "Don't believe in " medical care , medicine or medical Doctors and that may have something to do with this terrible tragedy.

Just like anyone else, If one is sick , they go to the doctor, If a medication will make it better then they take it.

If they don't then they are an idiot and you can't blame their religion.

Presley then added, "I was married to Michael Jackson, remember? You think I made it through that with just niacin and the support of Leah Remini? Let's just say I'm on a first-name basis with the pharmacist at Sav-On (Hi, Luisa!) and leave it at that."

• Now Is Not The Time. [Myspace]

Elvis—who shares a birthday with David Bowie and a certain weekend editor—had a twin brother, Jesse Garon Presley, who died at birth on January 8, 1935. The implications are mind-boggling. 31 years after Elvis' death, and 73 years after Jesse Garon's untimely demise, the Presley boys are back to save the world—as girls! Rejoice, people! Everything's gonna be fine! [ET]

Now, surely the Daily Mail can argue that Lisa Marie's pregnancy may have occasioned her to consume an excess of food — indeed, that she was using pregnancy as an excuse to do so — but the truth is that for some time we have been watching a steady erosion in the customary grace period allotted to a female celebrity's figure maintenance to account for her part in the creation of a new human being. And while both Ms. Barberie-Reynolds and Ms. Presley stand to gain financially from the blurring of the lines between the two forms of weight gain — and that is to ignore the myriad other ways female celebrities have managed to line their own pockets, in addition to those of the celebrity-industrial complex, through the conception (or failure to conceive) children — I am beginning to wonder if the whole thing isn't a little, well, degrading to the very culture of human life the media is supposed to be celebrating when we fetishize fertility/eschew the subject of abortion in all consumer magazines and blockbuster movies/pay seven-figure ransoms for baby pictures.

No, seriously, actually, whatever. It's just this week's sign of the apocalypse etc. etc. But you know.

June 2006: "Reese Witherspoon: She's Not Pregnant, It's Bloat!" Star Magazine
After Reese played the lawsuit game with Star for claiming she was pregnant, the magazine launched a counterattack with this doozy.

May 10, 2007:"Val Kilmer Goes From Batman To Fatman," The Daily Mail
Among the story's gems were, "where a six pack once rippled on Val Kilmer's chest, now stands what looks more like a rather large beer belly," and "there appeared to be a lot more to Kilmer than once met the eye." But the report does give Kilmer one reason not to just drift off into the waves and end it all then: "Despite his growing paunch, Kilmer appears to be working harder than ever." Yes, believe it or not, Kilmer's expanding waistline didn't prevent him from acting! Astonishing.

November 2004: "260-lb Kirstie: Too Fat For Sex!" Star Magazine
At her worst, Kirstie wasn't exactly adored by the weeklies, who happily decorated their covers week after week with the world's most unflattering photos and cover stories. But rather than suing them all, she used some of the more stellar headlines in her comeback vehicle Fat Actress.

July 2006: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," National Enquirer
Demi Moore and Britney Spears were inducted into the "Cellulite Hall of Fame," and Michael Douglas and Chris Noth were accused of having frightful bellies. Poor Gerard Depardieu was even ragged on for wearing a thong on a European beach, where aging actors and healthy appetites are heartily welcome.

May 2007: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies," Star Magazine
The award for "Worst Saggy"? Uma Thurman! "Worst Secret Sagginess"? Kate Hudson! Last we checked, Uma and Kate were two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, no? And poor Hulk Hogan won the title of "Worst Bikini," who "has gone wrong in so many ways," and whose neon beachwear "makes it touch to avoid noticing Hulk's uh, hogans."

[Photo Credits: Popbytes, Celebitchy, Daily Mail, Ms. Magazine]

• LISA MARIE SUES TABLOID OVER WEIGHT GAIN STORY [Us]

After being the target all week of slanderous and degrading stories, horribly manipulated pictures and articles in the media, I have had to show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant.

Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight. Starting with a London publication and then New York and Chicago all writing false defamatory degrading stories about all of the dark possible reasons I could be putting on weight. The US tabloids have been calling all day wanting confirmation on all kinds of insane theories.

It is unfortunate that I couldn't have announced something that is this much of a blessing and that has made us so incredibly happy under better circumstances.

Pardon my seething contemptuous tone but ladies, You KNOW if you were pregnant and you felt you were expanding uncontrollably by the moment as a result and the worldwide media started badgering and harassing you for it, plastering you everywhere in an unflattering light, you would be mortified as well.