The day after Thanksgiving is the most popular shopping day of the year, but it also the most deadly. Sure, there are always going to be fights over limited merchandise, but early morning specials and stores trying to frontload their days with shoppers ready to spend has created an atmosphere of deadly frenzy. Well, it is time to fight back! Here are several methods that will keep you alive and get you to the front of the pack. This December 25th when you have a pocket full of left-over cash and your children gratefully screech, "Thank you, Santa!" You better turn to your computer, nod, and say, "No, thank you, Gawker."

The Paparazzi Strategy: Pretend like the mob rushing the front door for cheap Blu-Ray players are like photographers and you are Robert Pattinson. Surround yourself with some thuggy types and have them walk you through the crowd.
Fatal Flaw: You have to have a big, tough entourage, or else you'll all go down like Tila Tequila at the dick buffet.
Best For: Big egos, people who are well connected, anyone with a subscription to Star.
Do Not Attempt If...: You do not know who Robert Pattinson is. That means you have never seen someone successfully avoid the paps and you are doomed to a million footprints on your face.

The NASCAR Strategy: At 4:59, right before the doors open, have a friend or family member pull up in a car that vaguely resembles a NASCAR racer. It's going to be dark, so it doesn't have to be perfect. When all the Walmartians are staring shout, "Look, it's Jeff Gordon!!" The crowd will go rushing for autographs and it will be just you and and the Walmart greeter.
Fatal Flaw: You may be stuck in a stampede when everyone goes Gaga over Gordon.
Best For: Red staters
Do Not Attempt If...: You live somewhere where no one will know who Jeff Gordon is. If you are standing the cold in front of Target instead of Walmart, you are in one of those places. If that is the case, a black town car with a black lady in the back seat can be used to create a diversionary "Oprah."

The Blocking Wedge Strategy: This football-inspired move is so effective that it got banned by the NFL. Get several "toughs" (great aunts work especially well for this) and have them run in a tight V formation. You are at the center of the V safe from harm. You will plow through the crowd of bargain hunters like a plow through snow.
Fatal Flaw: You have to get Great Aunt Fanny and the girls to run fast enough or else your wedge will be destroyed by the tide of bodies behind you.
Best For: Sports fans, Deadspin readers, lesbians.
Do Not Attempt If...: You are not committed. It's not easy to make your way through a mob, but when you get your hands on an electronic hampster it will be all worth it.

The Storm Trooper Strategy: Just like when Han Solo and Luke Skywalker put on Storm Trooper costumes to infiltrate the Death Star in Star Wars, all you need is a Walmart uniform to get inside. Show up in a blue apron an hour early and use the employee entrance. They've hired tons of seasonal staff, so they won't even care that they don't recognize you. Make yourself busy organizing shelves or something. And when the doors open, ditch the apron, and grab whatever your little heart desires.
Fatal Flaw: Someone might realize that you don't have a time card with your name on it.
Best For: The nondescript, chameleons, failed actors.
Do Not Attempt If...: You have any distinguishing features. People won't remember a mid-height lady with brown hair, but if someone with a goth 'do and a face full of piercings shows up at the employee entrance, it might cause a stir.

The Stay the Fuck Home! Strategy: Um, see the above. Really, is it worth risking death over a cheap TV? Also, it is real early in the morning.
Fatal Flaw: If servers crash on Cyber Monday then you are screwed.
Best For: Sane individuals, spendthrifts, city folk.
Do Not Attempt If...: You really want to go out with shopping cart wheel marks over your face in your coffin.

And that's among so-called "movers and shakers;" life might be even tougher on the rank and file. On the one hand, they get copious and diverse free snacks, food from the likes of David Chang and a very competitive salary. But on the other, there's the chaos that results from Google digesting acquisitions like DoubleClick and losing top executives like former ad chief Tim Armstrong. Some of the purported fallout, gleaned from the gossip in Business Insider's post:

• Advertising VP Penry Price is said to have lost power when Armstrong left and to be "looking for a way out."
• Mike Steib, director of emerging platforms, supposedly lost an internal power struggle. One source told BI: "It wouldn't suprise me to see him leave after a while."
  
• Director of media platforms Eileen Naughton won that aforementioned power strugle but supposedly wants to leave because she "thinks it's a crazy place and wants to get the hell out of there."
  
• Google's first Gotham engineer, Engineering Director Craig Nevill-Manning, is so rich, presumably on Google options, that people wonder if he'd rather be "traveling around in Africa having a fun time."
  
• M&A guy Jason Harinstein is said to be "poachable."

So there you have it: Google is a tough place to work in part because of the distracting wealth you earn there and because the awesome job offers you get as a result of working there. Sounds unbearable.

(Pic: Google New York, by Eddie Codel)

The UC Santa Cruz job is no accident; it was made possible by a donation from the Dead themselves. And it's not just drug bands spreading counterculture good fortune these days:

• Amid mass journalism layoffs, a new hippie-friendly type of gig has opened up: Pot reviewer. Denver's alt weekly went looking for just such a fellow, to serve the booming local market for "medical" marijuana.
  
• Grungy well-heeled young music fans made this year's Coachella music festival a "super happy" success. Far out for concert organizers who refused to grow up and get a "real job!"
• Vegan animal activist Jane Velez-Mitchell has a hit show over on CNN's Headline News and can now aspire to the even greater level of success attained by left-wing-radio-host-turned-MSNBC-anchor (and fellow lesbian) Rachel Maddow. (Maddow was a Rhodes scholar, putting her on the high achieving side of hippiedom.)
  
• The White House installed an organic garden under lobbying from Alice Waters, delivering a PR victory to the restaurateur derided as a hippie "dreamer" on national television just days earlier.
  
• In San Francisco, the sort of company that holds "naked" meetings and makes decisions through unanimous consensus is now showered with VC cash.
  
• A protest marcher from a hippie college changed his name to the militant "Barack" from the placid "Barry" and was soon elected president of these United States.
  
• If you advocate turning your cat vegan or making men pee while sitting down, for the environment, the New York Times will publish your op-ed, these days.

And all this time you thought "get a job" was the ultimate way to insult a hippie. Who's laughing now, straight edge??

(Pic via)

While Mad Men is a critical darling and its ratings are growing, it has never been a ratings bonanza for AMC and the pay is notoriously low. And after three seasons of being on "TV's best show," the siren song of more lucrative TV and movie roles may be irresistible. Plus, the way that series creator Matthew Weiner left things — Sterling Cooper as we knew it is dissolved, newly formed Sterling Cooper Draper Price may make it out of the Pierre Hotel, and Don's marriage is effectively over — almost any any character could be easily written out. So it would not be surprising if some of the regular characters disappear entirely from the show by next summer with nothing but a line of dialogue — "Oh, Peggy couldn't stand working next to Pete and Duck hired her after three weeks" — and a guest appearance or two.

Here your betting guide for who's coming back as a regular for Mad Men's fourth series, from most likely to call-your-agent.

Don Draper
Played By: Jon Hamm
Last We Saw Him: Lording over his new kingdom in a hotel room.
Why Stay: There wouldn't be a show without him.
Why Leave: After a great guest spot on 30 Rock, Hamm is getting more attention than anyone in the cast, for drama as well as comedy. He's also involved in several upcoming movies like Howl, The Town, and Sucker Punch.
Odds of Returning: 1: 1,000,000 (come on, there's no Mad Men without Don Draper)

Peggy Olsen
Played By: Elizabeth Moss
Last We Saw Her: Working for Don at the new firm.
Why Stay: She's a fan favorite with a great role and her character is on solid ground at the new firm.
Why Leave: To be a movie star! She's come a long way since her days on The West Wing. Between this an a well-regarded turn on Broadway opposite sushi-poisoned Jeremy Piven in Speed The Plow, now may be her time.
Odds of Returning: 1: 500

Roger Sterling
Played By: John Slattery
Last We Saw Him: Don's new best friend and business partner.
Why Stay: Roger gets all the ladies, funny lines, and best bits. Who doesn't want to play the scene stealer. Plus, Slattery and Hamm are besties.
Why Leave: There will be plenty of work for a veteran character actor like Slattery—work that probably pays a lot better.
Odds of Returning: 1:200

Pete Campbell
Played By: Vincent Kartheiser
Last We Saw Him: Don's new protege at the new firm.
Why Stay: He has a nice juicy, high-profile role that's far better than anything else he'll land.
Why Leave: He doesn't have a good reason.
Odds of Returning: 1: 100

Joan Holloway
Played By: Christina Hendricks
Last We Saw Her: The new office queen of Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: Because if she doesn't, we will slit our wrists.
Why Leave: Holloway is a sexy lady who has been on the fringes of TV for awhile. She may see this as her break. She's in next winter movie Life as We Know It, and she has proven to have the looks and the talent to anchor a TV show of her own.
Odds of Returning: 1: 75

Trudy Campbell
Played By: Alison Brie
Last We Saw Him: Delivering a cake in a wonderful red bucket hat.
Why Stay: Who else is going to nudge Pete in the right direction. And we need someone to show off retro fashions.
Why Leave: This isn't the biggest role, unless she and Pete get an upgrade.
Odds of Returning: 1:50

Harry Crane
Played By: Rich Sommer
Last We Saw Her: Eating one of Trudy's sandwiches at Sterling Cooper Draper Price.
Why Stay: He was saved by this plot twist, which means the writers have something in store for him.
Why Leave: Harry never gets to do much of anything, not even supporting character zany. He may want to stretch his legs.
Odds of Returning: 1: 10

Betty Draper
Played By: January Jones
Last We Saw Her: On the plane to Reno to get a divorce from Don with her future ex-husband Henry.
Why Stay: Because it would be great fun to watch Betty get tortured some more.
Why Leave: She has every reason to leave. Betty's storyline is at an obvious stopping point, at least as featured character. January Jones has been making the PR push, putting her boobs on GQ, hosting Saturday Night Live, and attaching herself to a number of projects. She also has a part in the upcoming Pirate Radio, so it certainly looks like she's planning a busy schedule away from Mad Men
Odds of Returning: 1:5

Sally, Bobby, and Gene Draper
Played By: Kiernan Shipka, Jared Gilmore, some baby
Last We Saw Them: On the couch with Carla being dazed by the TV.
Why Stay: They're kids. What, would they rather go to like real school? Also, they're Don's kids. You can't just erase them.
Why Leave: Or can you? If Betty leaves for good (maybe she and Henry settle in Reno and open a casino?) the kids go with her. And Bachelor Don is going to have plenty of babes to play with.
Odds of Returning: 3:1

Ken Cosgrove
Played By: Aaron Staton
Last We Saw Him: Left at the former Sterling Cooper, but as head of accounts.
Why Stay: A steady job—albeit a small part and, hey, maybe the writers need a way to a character to demonstrate life inside soulless McCann-Erickson.
Why Leave: Staton would be bummed to be cut, but it'd be really easy for him to go off and finally become a novelist.
Odds of Returning: 5:1

Bert Cooper
Played By: Robert Morse
Last We Saw Him: Keeping the sofa warm at his newest ad agency.
Why Stay: As an older gentleman, just like Cooper, if Morse leaves, there isn't going to be much work for him elsewhere. At least not with this high a profile.
Why Leave: He may not have a choice. Cooper doesn't do all that much, and when they need a big shock, it will be easy to give him a stroke/heart attack/Japanese armor accident at any time.
Odds of Returning: 10:1

Paul Kinsey
Played By: Michael Gladis
Last We Saw Him: Wishing Don had taken him instead of Peggy.
Why Stay: There's not much else for him on the horizon.
Why Leave: We have a feeling he doesn't want to, but if we're looking to streamline the cast, his peripheral character is an easy cut.
Odds of Returning: 75: 1

Sal Romano
Played By: Brian Batt
Last We Saw Him: Calling his wife from a pay phone before cruising the after he was fired from Sterling Cooper.
Why Stay: Well, he is effectively gone, but the way his storyline ended, he always seemed like he'd be back for more. Plus his "gay in the closet" storyline has tons of ways it could play out and lots of modern day implications.
Why Leave: He is already gone. Don could rehire him, but their main client is American Tobacco, the company that had him fired in the first place, so that seems about as likely as a Judy Garland Resurrection Tour.
Odds of Returning: 100 : 1 (but we really want him back!)

Using scores from Metacritic, Miller-McCune weighted the critical scores of actors' movies with the relative size of their roles in those movies. The final list shows that everyone who was in Lord of the Rings is an awesome actor with great taste in projects, with Elijah Wood topping the list and Viggo Mortenson and Ian Holm (the British geezer who played Bilbo Baggins) making the top four, too. Philip Seymour Hoffman is as serious an actor as you think he is, and Jessica Alba is as big a hack. Bottoming out the list was Freddie Prinze, Jr., followed by someone named Eddie Griffin and a tragic Matthew Lillard who had so much potential, once. Here's an abridged sampler:

Equally interesting was scatterplot showing the relative niceness and consistency of America's 25 most prolific movie critics. We discover that the Chicago Tribune's Michael Wilmington drinks the kool-aid more than any other critic, followed by the Chicago Sun-Times' Roger Ebert's perennially upraised thumbs. The meanest critic in America is the Austin Chronicle's Marc Savlov, who gives low scores but deviates regularly. On the other hand, TV Guide's Maitland McDonagh gives low scores and has a relatively low standard deviation from her mean score, meaning she's always stone cold.

[Miller-McCune]

Here's a rundown of some of the more promising names in child-labor media. Some of the names will probably look familiar to you, since these kids are famous. Far more famous than most media hacks. In other words, they're coming for your job, loudly.

The Dating Advice Kid

Name: Alec Greven

Age: 10

Summary: His dating-advice book How To Talk To Girls is supposed to become a movie; he now reportedly plans How To Talk To Moms, How To Talk To Dads, How To Talk To Santa and How To Talk To Grandparents. Original publisher HarperCollins is presumably working with him on all of the followups.

More: Here's video of young Alec.

British Blog Boy Wonder

Name: Scott Campbell

Age: 14

Summary: Started British news website, contributes to BBC and various newspapers

More: Campbell is CEO of Net News Daily; with co-founder and editor-in-chief Nathan Adam, he claims 100,000 unique visitors per month, and has scored freelance gigs with the BBC (left) and writes a regular column for the newspaper First News. Asked earlier this year in a Guardian profile how the economic downturn was affecting his business, he said, "I'm 13, so therefore don't have a lot to lose in the financial crisis."

The Lil' Food Critic

Name: David Fishman

Age: 12

Summary: Aspiring food critic profiled in the New York Times; his Upper West Side New York tablehopping has been optioned by Lorne Michaels for a movie.

More: "As I left, I knew that soon enough this would be one of the most ‘hip' places in the city."

(Image via Rachel Ray)

The Pint-Sized Political Pundit

Name: Jonathan Krohn

Age: 13

Summary: Talk-radio regular and self-published author became a smash hit when he spoke at the CPAC right-wing convention.

More: The home-schooled youth practiced public speaking at Christian Youth Theater plays and calling in to Bill Bennett's radio show. Has appeared on CBS News and Today. His endorsement was sought by a Georgia gubernatorial candidate.

Barack Obama's Journalist 'Homeboy'

Name: Damon Weaver

Age: 11

Summary: A successful quest to interview President Barack Obama made him the talk of cable news.

More: After ending an earlier interview with vice presidential contender Joe Biden with, "Senator Biden is now my homeboy," got permission from Obama to also be the president's "homeboy." Has completed such other White House Press Corps rites of passage as attending the inauguration on a media pass and dissing an MSNBC talking head.

The Teenaged Tech Titan

Name: Daniel Brusilovsky

Age: 16

Summary: Founder and CEO, TeensInTech.com; product evangelist for video-casting service Qik; writer for TechCruch; has 120,000 followers on his "Verified" Twitter account.

More: He's an adviser to at least two companies; his parents used to shuttle him to and from tech conferences; says you should be persistent to reach your goals. More here.

(Pic by Randy Stewart)

Yahoo's proposed new HQ in the Silicon Valley town of Santa Clara would be big enough to house 7,000 additional staff, according to former Valleywag Nicholas Carlson, at Business Insider. The company continues to try and push permits for the plan through the city's approval process despite plenty of available office space in existing Silicon Valley buildings.

We've seen this movie before. It does not end well:

• Fox Interactive's $350 million new HQ near Los Angeles was said to be the biggest area development deal in 25 years. Amid layoffs, Fox cancelled its move as the building was being finished.
  
• Internet conglomerate IAC finished its new Gotham headquarters in early 2007. Within months came a plan to break up the company.
  
• Amid the dot-com boom, network technology company Cisco Systems planned a controversial Silicon Valley megacampus for 20,000 workers. In late 2001 it scaled that back to plans for an office that could — maybe! — hold 3,000 to 9,000 workers.
  
• Handheld device maker Palm had dot-com-era plans for a 39-acre campus; the collateral alone on the project was $238 million. By mid-2001 Palm announced it would sell that land.
  
• From late 2000 to late 2001, USA Today reported, "Intel, Excite At Home and Inktomi... shelved or cut back plans for new plants or offices."

It's worth noting that Yahoo's plans have been underway since three years ago, when the company bought the land in question for $112 million. Seasoned real estate developers know it often makes more sense to obtain city approvals before canceling a project, since the approvals can usually be transferred to a new owner, making the underlying land more valuable. So Bartz is not necessarily at fault for Yahoo's hubristic plans. But that doesn't make her any less likely to be the victim of what they portend.

Every year there are a bunch of people who all decide to take something topical as inspiration for a "witty" outfit. We have a good idea what they'll be this year, and you should check yourself before you scare everyone. So, to avoid the great Borat outbreak of 2006 or the Dark Knight/Joker takeover of 2008, here are some pop cultural outfits that you definitely want to leave in the costume shop if you don't want to run into several dozen other yahoos wearing the exact same getup.

Sarah Palin
Why Not: It was a bad idea last year. It's even worse this year. Besides, while everyone who doesn't race snow machines is still trying to forget her, you'll just be helping her sell books.
Safe Alternative: Levi Johnston
What You Need to Make It: This is a boy's only costume. All you'll need is a nude body stocking (or a pair of briefs if you're bold) and attach a vintage copy of Playgirl to the crotch. Bonus points for carrying a baby and/or a bag of pistachio nuts. If you have a friend who will dress up as Tank Jones, your look is made.

Max from Where the Wild Things Are
Why Not: This would have been cute a year ago, but now that the movie's out, everyone's going to try to replicate it. You can do better than that.
Safe Alternative: H.R. Puffinstuff
What You Need to Make It: You're going to need a whole lot of paper machine, fabric, paint, and time to do this other retro children's hero up right, but it will be a huge hit.

Summer of Death Celebrities
Why Not: No, it's not too soon, it's just not very creative. So yes, that means no Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays, or any of the others we've lost recently. It's not edgy, just lazy.
Safe Alternative: Elizabeth Taylor or Kirk Douglas. They're not dead yet, but they could be any day. Go as the next dead celebrity.
What You Need to Make It: For Dame Liz, a wheelchair, a crazy hat, and some White Diamonds perfume. For Kirk, a cleft chin, a tuxedo, and disappointment in your son, Michael.

Zombie/Vampire
Why Not: Because every movie, TV show and book these days is about one or the other. Every teenage girl and boy is going to be rocking this, so you'll look like you're trying too hard to be down with the youngs.
Safe Alternative: A banshee. They are so the monster of 2010.
What You Need to Make It: Long hair (a wig will do), a long white gown preferably tattered, and a loud shouting voice.

Balloon Boy
Why Not: This is going to be popular because it will be easy to rig together and everyone will think it's funny and current. It's neither. And let's hope that in 11 days this story is officially over.
Safe Alternative: The old man from Up.
What You Need to Make It: Square glasses, grey hair, a sweater vest. Attach a bunch of baloons and a cardboard cutout of a house to your back and it's up, up, and away.

Don Draper from Mad Men
Why Not: Just because you put on a suit, a pocket square, and slicked down hair, you are not Don Draper. Everyone will know that you came up with this at 2pm on October 31 and probably never even watched the show. It is also not an excuse to drink and smoke a lot. Just do that on your own.
Safe Alternative: British Guy from Mad Men. You know, the one who got his foot run over with a lawn mower.
What You Need to Make It: An antique John Deere, a bloody stump, and several blood-sprayed onlookers with a shocked look on their faces. It's disgusting and creative. Perfect for Halloween!

[Image via Getty]

Well, if these are any indication, Obama likes a place with a good reputation, nothing too spicy or out of the ordinary, and prefers to be downtown, especially in the Village. His visits may temporarily cost restaurants business because of the crowd outside and the inconvenience of Secret Service agents, but they make up for it in the extreme afterwards because of the flocks of Obama-loving yuppies who will pay dearly for a bit of the nation's first family sheen.

Restaurant: Blue Hill
Location: 75 Washington Place
Date: May 30, 2009
Occassion: Date night with Michelle
Description: "Blue Hill's menu showcases local food and a wine list with producers who respect artisanal techniques. Ingredients come from nearby farms...Guests can choose from the regular menu or opt for the 'Farmer's Feast,' a five-course tasting inspired by the week's harvest."
Meal: Ate from the tasting menu. Barack had wine, Michelle had two martinis, that lush.
What Critics Say: "Although not as extreme or innovative as Craft, Blue Hill is the city's other seminal Greenmarket haven, so expect a certain amount of hushed reverence here, a certain amount of ecstatic whispering about the quality of the summer peas." [NY Mag]
What It Says about Obama: He likes to support local agriculture, while keeping a low profile.

Il Mulino
Location: 86 West 3rd St.
Date: September 14, 2009
Occasion: Lunch with Bill Clinton
Description: "Il Mulino...brings the Italian tradition of fine food and hospitality to your table. Simple, straightforward, wholesome and always fresh—it's the Il Mulino tradition."
Meal: Both had fish, pasta, and salad.
What Critics Say: "For more space, more invention and more restrained portions and sauces, you go elsewhere. But for trend-resistant cooks and tuxedoed waiters eager to pummel you into gastronomic submission, you go to Il Mulino." [NY Times]
What It Says Obama: He likes a safe place with a good name recognition. Also, he's trying to keep Bubba out of McDonalds.

Craftsteak
Location: 85 10th Ave
Date: October 20, 2009
Occasion: We're not sure yet.
Description: "Craftsteak New York redefinies the concept of a steakhouse by focusing on beef sourced from the world's top ranchers and artisanal producers and dry-aging it in the restaurant's own aging room."
Meal: He's probably placing his order right now. Suggestions?
What Critics Say: "The decor of the place is beautiful. I would definitely go there again, but would try something different. Love this new area it is located in. The last time I was in that area (16 or so years ago) it was swarming with prostitutes and some really bad looking ones at that!" [Yelp]
What It Says about Obama: He likes something that is sure to please everyone and won't be too controversial. Just like his policy decisions!

[Image via Getty]

Yes, setting loose a balloon, captivating the media and the public, causing taxpayer money to be spent on a false rescue attempt, and ruining your family are all pretty crappy, but they're not as bad as some of these other people. And while all of them might have had a moment in the sun, none ever achieved the real fame that they were looking for. We have a feeling Heene is on the same trajectory.

Lauren Cleri

What She Did: Went on the Fox reality show Moment of Truth and told her husband she cheated on him and that she wanted to be married to her ex-boyfriend. The saddest part is she did it for money, which she didn't end up winning.

Who Was Hurt: Her husband, of course, as well as the friends and ex-boyfriend who got themselves dragged into this. And Cleri herself, who will never have any credibility anywhere ever again.

Results: We haven't heard from her since—thank God.

Balloon Bursting: This is about as bad as Heene. There wasn't the taxpayer cost or media coverage, but multiple lives were ruined in the public sphere. She might be not as bad because at least she didn't destroy the psyches of any children.

Tonya Harding

What She Did: Conspired with her ex-husband to have competitor Nancy Kerrigan attacked so that she could be the most famous figure skater in America.

Who Was Hurt: Kerrigan, figure skating fans.

Results: Kerrigan recovered and ended up placing higher in the Olympics than Harding. Harding has since been on the fringes of pop culture including making a sex tape and fighting on Celebrity Boxing on, you guessed it, Fox.

Balloon Bursting: On the same scale, but slightly worse, since someone was actually injured.

Harlow Cuadra and Joeseph Kerekes

What They Did: The two gay escorts murdered porn producer Bryan Kochis so they could work with his contract star, Brent Corrigan, and make a porn movie and get rich and famous. After stabbing him 28 times, they set the house on fire to cover their tracks.

Who Was Hurt: Kochis, and Corrigan, who continues his career and has a hard time shaking association with the scandal.

Results: Kerekes pleaded guilty and is currently serving a life sentence. Cuadra had a trial, and was found guilty but did not get the death penalty because of a hung jury. The story never even made it out of the gay and local news circuits.

Balloon Bursting: While it didn't tie up as much media time as Balloon Boy, someone actually died.

John Hinckley Jr

What He Did: Shot President Ronald Reagan so that he could become famous and get the attention of Jodie Foster, who he was in love with.

Who Was Hurt: Reagan, press secretary James Brady, who remains paralyzed from the event, and two others.

Results: Hinkley was found not guilty by reason of insanity, and is still under psychiatric care, but is now allowed to leave the hospital for days at a time. Brady became a staunch advocate for gun regulation.

Balloon Bursting: This got as even more coverage in the media than Balloon Boy, and several people were actually injured, especially Brady.

Wallace Souza

What He Did: A Brazilian politician who allegedly ordered hits on people to goose the ratings on his reality television show.

Who Was Hurt: The five people who were murdered as a result, the reputation of all Brazilians.

Results: He's still awaiting trial.

Balloon Bursting: This didn't get as much attention in America as Balloon Boy, but having five people killed is way worse than saying your kid was in an escaped helium balloon.

Whether or not you agree with the residents or the club owners, you must admit that this sign is a pretty brilliant strategy. While you can fight the good fight at city hall, it's not nearly as satisfying as the "fuck you" of letting your dog piss on something. And, as far as we know, letting your animal heed the call of nature isn't illegal. So, here are some easy targets for the next time you want to use Fido to get a little bit of revenge.

• People Who Talk on Their Phones on the Subway Stairs: If you are going to stand there finishing an inane conversation and getting in everyone's way, then your socks need to be turned a different shade of yellow.
• Faux Irish Pubs: There's nothing wrong with trying to bring a bit of the old country, but do we really need one of these on every block? Stem the tide by making them all stink.
• 4 Times Square: Yeah, they just had a ton of layoffs today, but between Anna, Graydon, and all the other snoots over at Conde, they still deserve a little squirt.
• Anyone Who Says "Cool Beans" with Lack of Irony: Yes, they are still out there, and they just deserve it.
• Uggs: Now that fall is starting, sad girls all over the country are getting theirs out of the closet. Maybe if we train all the canines in Manhattan to pee on them, we can keep them in the back of the closet forever.
• The Line at Shake Shack: Anything that will make the wait for PB&J custard that much shorter is welcome indeed.
• The Line at Magnolia Bakery: If you travel here all the way from Iowa to retrace the steps of Carrie Bradshaw and you're going to waste an hour or more of your trip waiting in line for a dry piece of caked topped by way too much disgusting hard frosting, then you need some tinkle to go with your sprinkles.
• People Who Brag They Don't Own a Television: If your self-righteousness is going to piss on me and my intense TiVo habit, then we are going to have the dog piss on you.
• Subway Riders with Fancy Books: Between the natural sights, smells and noises that are native to the subway, there is no way you could adequately give Ulysses or On the Road or Crime and Punishment the attention it requires. If you believe for a second that our dog buys that you are reading about Anna Karenina getting hit by a train, then you should get some warm liquid on you, and you should get hit by the train.
• Murray Hill: Just about anywhere will do.

The latest photos were taken as part of a fencing demonstration on the White House lawn, but nerdy Barry still found a way to make it into a Luke Skywalker-look-alike contest by getting into his best Jedi stance. This is an odd choice, because he's known more for his love of Star Trek. He even offered critque of the new movie, saying that he was a huge fan as a kid. He even once flashed the live-long-and-prosper sign when running into the original Mr. Spock, Leonard Nimoy.

In his younger days, Obama also collected comic books namely Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian. When Marvel heard the news, they placed the President in a Spider-Man storyline.

That's got to be a big affront to Superman, who Obama once jokingly referred to himself as, even going so far as to name check Jor-El, the obscure(ish) name of Superman's father.

But it's not just sci-fi culture, Obama refused to give up his Blackberry when he was elected to the nation's highest office, and even got a special one made to keep his communications top secret. Even national security concerns couldn't stop his geeky heart.

This is just one more reason to love Barack Obama. Wouldn't you much rather have someone in the White House who wants to be thought of as a nerd than one who wants everyone to believe he's a cowboy? Of course, we weren't the first one's to notice. Mr. PC himself, John Hodgman did so wonderfully, and more comically than we could ever muster, at the White House Correspondent's Dinner.

We just can't wait to see Barack and Michelle dressed up as Mork and Mindy for Halloween. Nanu-Nanu!

People have viewed more than 500,000 times Yazdani's 2007 daredevil stunt, in which he spray paints an LA freeway overpass from a narrow ledge. The viewers included sheriff's transit investigators, who nailed Yazdani for 32 felony vandalism counts out of hundreds in which they came to suspect him, according to the LA Times. He originally got off with time served, probation and graffiti removal duty, but he violated his probation this summer with more tagging, so now he's been sentenced to three years and eight months in prison, thanks to his YouTube-enabled criminal record.

YouTube has emerged as the medium of choice for our nation's most self-destructively brazen criminals and miscreants. It's an amazingly powerful way to get in trouble with the law! In addition to having a buddy upload your tagging exploits, you can...

• ...be a cop and shove a rider off his bike for no good reason, on YouTube;
  
• ...be a bigshot tech executive who snorts cocaine, on YouTube;
• ...beat a cheerleader unconscious, on YouTube;
• ...work for Domino's and do disgusting things with food, in their kitchen, on YouTube. (This one won't necessarily land you in jail, it's just a bonus item for those who prefer national infamy to prison time.)

It's important to note that these are only the most self promotional of wrongdoers, not the worst. Everyone knows that the absolute worst criminals stick to Craigslist and Facebook.

Trying to sell real estate in this economy is going to be rough for our three flamboyant barons, Josh Flagg, Madison Hildebrand and Chad Rogers so Million Dollar Listing just went from a real estate porn show to a "people with shitty jobs show." It is in some very good company, but do these mini-real estate tycoons have the crappiest jobs on the tube?

Million Dollar Listing
Position: Realtor to the stars!
Dangers: Not making any money in this shitty economy, losing your car, having people make fun of you, starving to death.
Payout: In the five to six figures, if they can make a deal.
Perks: Going through rich people's medicine cabinets.
Risk/Reward Index: We'd do it, if we didn't have such a stable media job.

Deadliest Catch
Position: Crab fisherman.
Dangers: Um, death! By freezing in the rain, falling overboard, dealing with surly captains, or random crustacean uprising.
Payout: In the mid five figures, for only a few weeks of work.
Perks: Free crab!
Risk/Reward Index: We'll use imitation crab in our California rolls, thank you.

Position: Former action star, Louisiana police deputy.
Dangers: We haven't seen the show yet (it starts in December) but we assume dealing with shirtless meth fiends running from the law while dealing with Above the Law jokes.
Payout: We're guessing in the low five figures for the police gig. We're not sure what being washed up pays.
Perks: A comeback!
Risk/Reward Index: Totally worth it (for the viewers).

Ace of Cakes
Position: Baker
Dangers: Cavities, fatness, the torture of touching all those delectable sweets and not being able to have any, living in Baltimore.
Payout: Low.
Perks: Three words: Five Second Rule.
Risk/Reward Index: Pretty good, if you don't mind being poor.

Sunset Tan
Position: Tanning Assistant.
Dangers: Being too stupid to say "melanoma" or know what one is, other people's cellulite.
Payout: Minimum wage.
Perks: Not any really.
Risk/Reward Index: At least you get free McCafés at McDonalds.

Flipping Out
Position: Jeff Lewis' assistant.
Dangers: Your insane OCD boss you needles you more than a heroin addicts arm.
Payout: Probably low. Jeff keeps whining about how he has no money.
Perks: You get to work with a funny maid and meet Andy Cohen at the reunion show!
Risk/Reward Index: After mental health bills, it's cost prohibitive to work here.

Let's look at the apps released so far, for other phones as well as under prior versions of the iPhone OS: restaurant reviews, taxi and subway information, ATMs, WiFi and houses for sale. Ugh! Way to take advantage of a brand-new paradigm, programmers. This is like looking at the Web in the mid-90s and deciding its best use was for distributing newspaper articles and selling pet food.

We've already though of some vastly superior ideas off the tops of our heads, since that's the sort of thing we do on a Friday in August:

Got any ideas of your own? Post them in the comments. We have a feeling this is going to be the next mini-bubble in tech; might as well get to work inflating it now so the cycle plays out as quickly as possible.

Dylan has supposedly been recording the album at Jackson Browne's semi private studio in Santa Monica since May. Fans have already rewritten some holiday song titles for the famously nasal folksinger: "Spo-el, Spo-el;" "Po Middle Pawn o Methfaheem;" "Piddle Bunner Spoy" and "Cough the Gargle Nanges Wheeze."

What to expect from the actual music? The odds of something legacy-enhancing are slim. Let's look at what critics had to say about other holiday titles by long-established rock acts:

Lynyrd Skynyrd, Christmas Time Again: "Kinda sad. All these fellas want for Christmas is to be noticed again." —Denver Westword, December 14, 2000

Jimi Hendrix: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. (Released posthumously.) "Holiday horror... [one] outtake features Jimi audibly saying 'Man, I really don't feel like going through with this. This is really silly.'" —Phoenix New Times, December 23, 1999.

Moody Blues, December: "Perfectly innocuous. C-" Entertainment Weekly, December 19, 2003.

Jewel, Joy: "Christmas standards slaughtered by Jewel... is there any reason... [it] even exists?" Dallas Observer, Dec. 16, 1999

Jethro Tull, The Jethro Tull Christmas Album: "Not so much progressive [rock] as moribund... bulked out with insipid cocktail- jazz instrumentals... tedious... joyless." The Independent (London), December 12, 2003.

You know exactly what we're talking about: well-meaning, fragile, cerebral, maladjusted boys with an anemic sexual persona and child-like notions about women. It was cute for a while! And we certainly needed someone besides Matthew McConaughey to fill our wasted nights. But now ladies in their twenties are stuck with these infants in Morissey onesies as our leading men. No wonder tweens and mommies are swooning for the pasty boys in Twilight, at least those guys will leave a couple of marks on you after a romp!

It's not just an aesthetic thing. It's a (lady) boner killer for a any woman who has a dark streak —and really, what self-respecting woman doesn't? These awkward young men are so soft, so emotionally naive that it's clear that any one woman with a penchant for a couple cocktails and hair pulling would shatter these precious, cutesywutesy little boys. Bring back the angry young men who could at least make you feel like a woman instead of a girl.

Examples! Run the clips please:

Jesse Eisenberg in Adventureland. Sad, smug, virgin who tries to save a slutty K. Stew.

John Krasinski in Away We Go. Cheerful, smug, bookish Dave Eggers stand in who tries to shield his unborn child from the ills of normal people who lead unmeaningful lives.

Demetri Martin in Taking Woodstock. He even has the haircut of an 8 year old (actual age: 36).

Joseph Gorden-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer. Morrisey loving nerd tries to pin down his manic pixie girl.

Micheal Cera in Paper Heart. I like Michael Cera a lot. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't have genitals — just a fleshy, rainbow colored patch that rests under his corduroy pants.

Hugh Dancy in Adam. Maybe Hollywood is getting the point? Adam is the same kind of nerdy, quirky, sort of hunky outsider. Except this movie blames all of his quirky awkwardness on Asperberger's syndrome. Fine! That's it! No more! Jokes over.

Here's the classic clip of Sarah Heath delivering the sports report on the local news back in the late '80s. She reads the Teleprompter with admirable competency, stumbling noticeably only once or twice. (Also: LOTS OF DOGS!)

Was it when she decided to enter politics, in the '90s, that Sarah lost her words? Here she is in 2006 running for governor, skillfully dodging a question on abortion. She speaks in brief sentences that quickly get to the point, and then she stops talking. There is one worrying extraneous "also" thrown in there. A sign of dangling connectors yet to come!

Hey, this old guy selected the feisty young lady to be his Vice President. What does she have to say for herself, as she's introduced to the nation? She certainly seems to like the attention. But there she is, just reading a coherent series of statements, from a Teleprompter, without deviating into odd non-sequiturs.

Here, at Palin's first big McCain rally, she trips over some shitty writing. Profiles in courage usually come in books, but we are about to elect one...? But she skillfully segues to the lady-pandering, ignoring the boos Hillary's name elicits.

Oh, Palin's greatest public moment. Her vile, scummy RNC speech. It was not quite as "masterfully delivered" as everyone thought at the time, but she got the sneering contempt down pat, and didn't stumble over any of the prepared slurs. Listen to her feed on the seething hate of the crowd! It only made her stronger!

Here's where the wheels came off the wagon. Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin was so embarrassing that mocking it is impossible. She can't handle simple questions, she speaks in vague generalities, and for some reason Couric keeps asking her mean questions even when Sarah gets all defensively folksy. This is when Palin went from a pro who was remarkably polished for a small state politician to a jumbled ball of nerves. She never recovered, either politically or cognitively.

Expectations were so low for Sarah by the time the VP debate came around that it would've been considered a success if she didn't suddenly erupt in a stream of racial slurs or something. But it was just weird. "Can I call you Joe?" "Doggone it." And the winking! This is when working from prepared material stopped working for Sarah, because she was rebelling against her handlers, or because she forgot how to read, or something.

Oh, her thing on the SNL. They didn't ask much of her, and she didn't deliver, having Amy Poehler do the funny rap thing. And then the election ended, and Palin was free to let her freak flag fly.

When Greta Van Susteren met Sarah Palin it was like a ramble-off. Greta lobbed softballs and Sarah Palin responded with her new brand of dark, vague paranoia about "bloggers" and "the media," spreading "gossip" and unnamed "lies." And: "You know I consider myself sometimes too a feminist, whatever that means."

Then she resigned. For no reason. She sounded terrified, rushed, nervous, and insane. This was the worst prepared statement we've ever heard from a politician, basically ever. Until the next time she appeared on the TV!

After Sarah Palin resigned, she went fishing, and she got all morbid and depressed. She is still lying, as that is second-nature to her, and she is still paranoid about unnamed media enemies, but she cannot answer or dodge a very simple question about her own motivations, except to repeat a buzz phrase she likes, and then to mention her kids.

But Sarah Palin maybe saved the best for last.

What was your favorite line from Sarah Palin's second resignation speech? Was it:

"So, how 'bout in honor of the American soldier, ya quit makin' things up?"

Or maybe this amazing bit:

"Let me tell you, Alaskans really need to stick together on this with new leadership in this area especially, encouraging new leadership... got to stiffen your spine to do what's right for Alaska when the pressure mounts, because you're going to see anti-hunting, anti-second amendment circuses from Hollywood and here's how they do it. They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes."

Actually, this is our favorite line:

"In the winter time it's the frozen road that is competing with the view of ice fogged frigid beauty, the cold though, doesn't it split the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs?"

It's like Peggy Noonan, Jack London, and William Faulkner wandered into the woods with three buttons of peyote and one typewriter, and only this speech emerged.

And she wrote this speech! In advance, on paper! What does any of it mean? It is amazing. Twenty years ago she could competently descibe a dog race, three years ago she could articulate a position on the abortion issue, and this weekend she composed a resignation speech by throwing culture war stock phrases into a hat and dumping it upside down on a copy of The Paranoid Style in American Politics.

For the gays, the usefulness of any technology has always been measured on how it will help them get laid. Craigslist has slowed down cruising by forcing people to enter those stupid loopy words every time you want to respond to an m4m ad. Manhunt is about to roll out extensive changes. It's getting harder to find homo hookups online. Where should gays go to find sex so their not roaming the streets like a pack of cock-hungry zombies? Or should we just find the right girl, settle down, have some kids, move to Cobble Hill, and commit suicide 20 years later because we're unfulfilled?

Manhunt: The most popular virtual bathhouse, this is still the place to go for one-stop shopping for sloppy seconds. But remember how well the "new Facebook" went? Imagine similar (but even cattier) sentiments when they change their format later this month. We got an advanced look at it (thanks to a lonely night in a European capital—don't ask), and it's not amazing.
Who You'll Find Online: Just about every gay with an internet connection
Why It Will Catch On: The new design makes reading mail and seeing your friends easier. Also, it's where the boys are.
Why It Sucks: The searches are harder than ever. And this is it's first major overhaul since 2002 and basically all they did was change the color scheme, reorganized the homepage, and add "cock size" as a category. We expect more.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Lance Bass

Craigslist: The "Penny Saver of dick" (as Margaret Cho calls it) has always been free and easy, if not full of trolls.
Who You'll Find Online: Trolls, meth addicts, and "Str8 guys."
Why It Will Catch On: It offers every insane fetish you could possibly imagine and a ton of anonymity.
Why It Sucks: Now, to respond to every ad, you have to answer one of those annoying questions that prevent spammers. It provides uneven returns. And, it's full of trolls.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Larry Craig

Grindr: This iPhone app locates other users close to you so that you two can meet on a street corner before getting it on.
Who You'll Find Online: Urban gays with iPhones.
Why It Will Catch On: The gays are early adopters and love playing with gadgets. Also, it's easier to travel down the block to meet a guy than across town. Also, have you seen Guys with iPhones [NSFW]? If these are the 'mos using it, sign us up!
Why It Sucks: Not enough people yet. If it can't get the boys laid, they'll go back to Manhunt and Grindr will be as effective as a vibrator with dead batteries.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Neil Patrick Harris

Adam4Adam: This is a burgeoning free service that survives on advertising (mostly of the porn variety) rather than subscriptions.
Who You'll Find Online: Those too cheap or poor to pay for a cruising website.
Why It Will Catch On: The economy has melted and no one has a job.
Why It Sucks: You get what you pay for, and in this case, you'll be paying a copay for that rash you have in the morning. Oh, and the orange and brown color-scheme looks like a 1970s kitchen gone awry.
Celeb You Might Accidentally Cruise: Bobby Trendy

Atomic Men: This West Coast-based site is pushing a big relaunch. Then again, so are some American car companies, and we're skeptical about that too.
Who You'll Find Online: Guys in LA who have worked through everyone on Manhunt.
Why It Will Catch On: Hmm...all the other hook up sites have died?
Why It Sucks: It's ugly, there aren't enough guys, it's confusing, and you have to pay for it. At least Adam4Adam is disgusting and free.
Celeb You Might Accidently Cruise: Perez Hilton

1. Padma and the Hendersons
Padma has reinvented herself from foodie to zombie in the past year. Her natural next step is a Harry & the Hendersons-esque comedy about a regular Midwestern family who adopts the Padma zombie. At first the Hendersons want to keep zombie Padma a secret but eventually the public finds out and embraces her. Through the course of the show Padma zombie discovers how to balance a high-profile life full of exhibition, scientific studies, and her human family.

2. Put the Love in the Basket
Anxious for a new roomie, Buffalo Bill (the wang-tucking serial killer from Silence of the Lambs) puts an ad on Craigslist. The ad says that all applicants must be female and a size 14. When slender, quirky, vegetarian chef named Grace, played by Padma, shows up on his doorstep Bill is skeptical. But her love of sewing and small dogs charms Bill into letting her stay. The two learn about love, health, and knife work in this apartment based comedy.

3. Fools Rushdie In
Any kind of a reality show in the style of Newlyweds or the Osbournes. She and Salman get back together!

4. Scrubbing the Grey House
Padma would star in a medical drama that would be based on a mash up on the other successful medical dramas out. Under the cruel tutelage of a sadistic but brilliant surgeon (played by Anthony Bourdain) Padma would learn that fate is indifferent and you can only find meaning in the relationships around you. And in opiates.

5. Hamburger Paddy: The Burger Queen
Paddy, a successful super-model has it all — but she craves even more! Paddy wants a movie deal. But no matter how many acting classes she takes Paddy only gets cast in fast food commercials. How will Paddy over come her deficits as an unpalatable woman of negligible talent and outsized ambition? Will she be able to keep her weight down and her spirits up as the Hollywood drive through scene chews her up and spits her out? Stay Tuned!