In this manner, the listicle is not a depressing instance of pandering but a nourishing expression of a natural and elemental part of human culture. Or at least that's what you can put on your Maggies entry. Here's how Eco (pictured) put it in Der Spiegel:

The list is the origin of culture... What does culture want? To make infinity comprehensible. It also wants to create order — not always, but often. And how, as a human being, does one face infinity? How does one attempt to grasp the incomprehensible? Through lists, through catalogs, through collections in museums and through encyclopedias and dictionaries.

Making "infinity comprehensible" means, basically, facing up to our own mortality:

We have a limit, a very discouraging, humiliating limit: death. That's why we like all the things that we assume have no limits and, therefore, no end. It's a way of escaping thoughts about death. We like lists because we don't want to die.

This is why lists have been popular from "primitive cultures" to the Middle Ages to the Renaissance, Baroque and postmodern periods.

So, to summarize:

• Lists connect us with our ancestors.
  
• Lists connect us with culture.
  
• Lists make infinity comprehensible.
  
• Lists help us ignore death.
  
• Buy cranberries.
  
• Order turkey.
  
• Take out the garbage.

Sorry, got immortaldistracted there for a second.

• Your Own Apartment: You can't smoke in your own apartment? Get the fuck outta here. You live in a dorm? No? Get the fuck outta here.
• The Sidewalk Outside Your Apartment: They tried to just sneak that in with the apartment ban, as if it wouldn't make people quadruple times as mad.
• Any Other Sidewalk: If someone smoking on a sidewalk bothers you, stop standing directly in front of them and sucking the smoke from the tip of their cigarette into a large hose attached to your mouth. That's bad for you.
• The Park: There is so much fresh air out there. Come on.
• Concerts: Other than, you know, the Symphony Orchestra. Any concert venue without chairs, definitely. Hardcoreness demands it.
• Your Car: Open the windows to be nice.
• Anywhere Else Where There Is No Physical Barrier Between the Tip of Your Cigarette and The Sky: It's all about dispersion.

• South Park: In its famous "Cartoon Wars" episode, Cartman decides he hates Family Guy, hilarity ensues.

• Deborah Solomon: The NYT's stern question lady had a decidedly pissy interview with Seth Macfarlane last month. Sample Solomon questions: "Personally, I find the show's rape jokes especially unfunny...Why is that funny?...I would say Groening is a better colorist...Are you contemptuous of families?...Are you straight?" God, shut up, Deborah Solomon.
• Richard Lawson: Famous cultural critic who did not care for the show. He called it "crude, sloppy, shamelessly Simpsons-derivative non sequitur humor," which is relatively non-debatable, as insults go.
• Microsoft: Microsoft and their supercool ad agency Crispin Porter Bogusky were all signed up as sponsors for an upcoming prime time Family Guy special, but then somebody at Microsoft accidentally watched Family Guy, and, whoa! Microsoft can tolerate jokes about nerds, Apple, the blind, barely legal hoes, and Rwanda, but this show's "riffs on deaf people, the Holocaust, feminine hygiene and incest" were too much, according to Variety.

Remaining Family Guy Fans:

• Seth MacFarlane: That guy is so rich now. Filthy, unclean rich.
• News Corp. Executives: Family Guy makes money.
• Millions of 18-34 year old males: Their taste is America's taste!

It's funny that the AutoTune massacre "Somebody to Love" is being billed as Meester's first track, since the song "Birthday" was all over the internet this spring, but that doesn't make it any better. Meester is just the latest in a long line of small-screen ladies who want to hit the top of the charts. Plug your ears and try to stand the drone of AutoTune

Leighton Meester
TV Show: Gossip Girl
Musical Project: "Somebody to Love" (2009)
Gets Points For: Convincing Robin Thicke to sing with her and being Blair Waldorf.
Loses Points For: Not sounding like a creature that is found in nature.
Horrible-ometer: 7

Kim Zolciak
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Musical Project: "Tardy for the Party" (2009)
Gets Points For: Having a good beat, being a little catchy, and making Andy Cohen dance. Also says she has no desire to sing again.
Loses Points For: Did you watch her try to sing on the show? There's more robot than human on the track.
Horrible-ometer: 4

Heidi Montag
TV Show: The Hills
Musical Project: A number of singles, including "Body Language" (2009)
Gets Points For: Stealing from pop geniuses Yaz
Loses Points For: Have you heard this thing? The beat, the chorus, the singing, everything is disgusting.
Horrible-ometer: 10

Brooke Hogan
TV Show: Hogan Knows Best and Brooke Knows Best
Project: Two albums, Undiscovered (2006) and The Redemption (2009)
Gets Points For: Persistence.
Loses Points For: There's a reason you were undiscovered, and, sorry, there is no redemption after this.
Horrible-ometer: 6

Jo De La Rosa
TV Show: The Real Housewives of Orange County, Date My Ex: Jo and Slade
Musical Project: Unscripted (2008)
Gets Points For: Going away.
Loses Points For: "Singing" the song "Rumors" about how she can't stand people talking about her after she signed up for a reality TV show.
Horrible-ometer: 7

Hayden Panettiere
TV Show: Heroes
Musical Project: A number of singles for Disney movies, "Wake Up Call" (2008)
Gets Points For: Sounding a little bit like Gwen Stefani.
Loses Points For: Not being punk enough to carry off a reggae-inflected slow jam.
Horrible-ometer: 4

Jamie-Lynn Sigler
TV Show: The Sopranos, Entourage
Musical Project: Here to Heaven (2001)
Gets Points For: Giving up the dream.
Loses Points For: Not making fun of it on Entourage. You will not reach heaven until you atone for your sins.
Horrible-ometer: 4

They ranked Fresno the stupidiestest:

"These people are here living their lives and doing the very best they can. They shouldn't be put down like this," said a lady in a bookstore.

They ranked my hometown, Vegas, right above Fresno. They haven't won any Pulitzers in the last few weeks, but they do have a UNLV professor who thinks The Daily Beast is right.

An English professor at UNLV, the 70-year-old Hickey considers those criteria and says, "Well, honestly, (the low ranking) is because the school graduates losers. It graduates people to middle management.

Go Rebels. San Antonio was next:

The Mensas at The Daily Beast are banking that you will get bent, click through to their site, read the rankings and let the Daily Beast reap the harvest of epic page views. They make you mad, you give them page views, and they scoop up the ad revenue. Trouble is, I didn't include the link, and I'm not going to include it. The Daily Beast can bite my ass. If they think I'm sending page views their way, they're not that smart.

Power to the people (and Google). Further up the list, Phoenix proved how astute they are with this cynical assessment of The Daily Beast:

The Daily Beast is one of those websites that summarizes what's on the internet on any given day.

while Houston trotted out some issues. The headline: "The Daily Beast: Houston — You Are 'Mildly Retarded.'"

Raleigh-Durham was cited as America's supreme genius city; profoundly retarded Fresno, with an IQ of 6, was listed as the dumbest. Austin was the highest-ranked Texas city, but you probably knew that already. It always comes out on top in these kinds of things.

What about the "winners?" In Raleigh, the mayor trotted out a press line. One comment on a website:

Obvious from this story that our diversity-driven schools are a complete failure.

Not much else. Seventh-place Seattle, pissed:

It's hard not to suspect some brainless methodology — considering the facts.

And New York, you're lucky number 13. A Google News search for reactions turned up virtually nothing, locally.

The lesson? America's slightly insecure, but we're not exactly a country divided. A general consensus proves that lists like these are inaccurate, pro-perception, anti-reality, useless, and that we—and I—are stupider for dignifying them. Sorry.

[Jasper Johns' Map, 1963, via MoMA]

1. The Aspiring Teacher's Pet

Dear Dean,
I am passionately interested in Computational Fluid Dynamics, but at the same time I am deeply involved in an international Peace movement known as "Seeds of Peace," as a volunteer as well as a Peer Support Leader. I would like to go to a university where I would have the opportunity to focus on both engineering and leadership development to enable me to influence the peace process between India and Pakistan. If i were to be admitted, is Harvard the right place for me?
My question
- Sahir Zaveri

2. The Current Teacher's Pet

Dear Dean Fitzsimmons,

I'm a current student at Harvard, and I love it here. Thank you for accepting me.

I don't have any questions.
- Julia

3. The Angry White Man (Veiled)

How does Harvard's admissions process reward diversity without committing a type of reverse discrimination against potentially strong candidates who lack any diversity?
- Luke

4. The Angry White Man (Unveiled)

If someone is white, heterosexual, and Christian do they stand any chance of getting into Harvard? Thanks.
- Joe

5. The Angry Rebuttal to the Angry White Man

Dear caucasian applicants. It's extremely interesting how you can all automatically assume that anyone who is colored is automatically less deserving of admissions into Harvard. I graduated from Harvard Class of ‘00.

I'm a Hispanic female with a disability. Neither of my parents finished grade school, much less high school. I grew up in a household where my parents' combined income was less than $30,000. I could certainly have checked off multiple "diversity" boxes, and I did.

But I also scored a perfect score on the SAT's, graduated salutatorian of my class, was class president, went to Nationals in Academic Decathlon, and found time to volunteer. I was able to do all of these things despite my disadvantages. Perhaps that doesn't jive with many of your perceptions of Hispanic females, but you should all stop blaming your inability to get into Harvard on everyone else. Many of my colored classmates happened to work very, very hard to get where they are. They certainly didn't have parents as obsessed and narrow-minded as the ones here on this board.
- JOLT

6. The Crazy Parent

Hello,

My children are in elementary school now, and I am almost panicked about trying to get the "right" education for them in order to go to an institution like Harvard. We are not rich by any means, so we are trying to set a path that will open up possibilities for them. What can we do to get them going in that direction?

Thank You,

George Pfeffer

7. The Guy Testing Out His College Application Essay

Dean Fitzsimmons,

Let me tell you my brief story. I was quite honestly an immature kid not ready for college out of high school. I wasn't a particularly good student in high school, and it followed me to the state school in Alabama I attended for three years, failing most of my classes, and never amounting to much grades wise.

However, since then, I've grown up. I've moved to Atlanta, where I've worked in a Congressional office, worked on the executive board of my local Young Democrats chapter, and am currently on staff for a city-wide council campaign. All the while, I've been going to school full time at the local junior college making all As (with a couple of Bs) and I'm re-taking the SAT in January. In short, I've grown up, and I've put together a record as an achiever in both the classroom and the community since my first try at college.

I want to transfer to an elite school where I can be truly challenged and prepared for my next step, law school. In all honest, what would be my chances to be admitted to an elite institution as a transfer student on the less than traditional path.
- Joshua Smith [Ed.—Your chances are slim without copy editing.]

8. The Person Dumb Enough to Ask a Good Question

Why is college so expensive?
- sminister

9. The Local Yokel Who Also Wants to Ask President Obama About the Broken Stop Light on Her Corner

Why did you only admit 1 Scarsdale H.S. Senior last year?

SHS is supposed to be one of the best public highs in the nation.

The local newspaper runs the issue highlighting recent grads/schools. I am aware some seniors dont submit their names/schools…but 1 seems low.

Back in 80s, 6+ SHS grads headed to Havard

Worried my school taxes are being wasted!
- $

10. The Sane Person

Dear Dean Fitzsimmons,
Don't you think it's absurd that all these people are obsessed with getting their kids into Harvard?
-John.

[Full Disclosure: We did not read all 788 questions. Feel free, though.]

1. Be a Book Publicist—It worked for Melissa Broder, Sloane Crosley's publicist. Extend this chain ad infinitum. Crosley's book was called "I Was Told There'd Be Cake," and Broder's book will be called "When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother." The titles grow more impenetrably twee with each generation. Broder's publicist's future book will be called "Banana Karenina Sings the Blueberries, Or: The Indubitably Odd Presidency of Cherry True-Man."


2. Tumblr—Hey hey, Tumblr-of-the-minute Shit My Dad Says is the latest hot literary property! The hottest since This is Why You're Fat. Or Look at This Fucking Hipster. Even that Twitter book, which is almost like Tumblr or whatever, (internet buzzwords here). The point is: If you want a book off your internet crap, get it before the meme collapses.


3. Be a Celebrity—No matter how bad the economy gets, America will never tire of reading about celebrities and who they fuck. Which reminds us...


4. Fuck a Celebrity—Writing about Bernie Madoff's penis size will get you lots of press, but it might obviate the public's need to actually buy the book. Beware.


5. Latch Onto a Huge News Story and Ride It Straight to Book Hell—It must seem like common sense to hand out all those fat six-figure book contracts for books about The Historic Financial Crisis of 2008 or The Historic Election of 2008 while those things are happening. Then the book comes out a year later and nobody cares any more, plus **everything** has already been said. Be sure to get a good advance on a book deal like this. It's all you're gonna get.


6. Puppies—Quiz: You're a high-ranking editor at one of America's most prestigious news outlets. How will you get yourself a book deal. Answer: Write a column about your puppy! "Write a column about your puppy" is always a good answer to most of the aspiring author's daunting questions about the publishing industry. Motherfuckers just love puppies.

[Crosley/ Broder pic: Ron Hogan]

Media recession signal: This list—once a big generator of freelance work, and given splashy placement in VF—is now a web exclusive. UPDATE: VF tells us that a truncated version of the list is running in the October issue. Print lives!


By Profession
Corporate CEOs/ Company leaders: 18
Media mogul/ CEO: 18
Hollywood moguls/ power players:16
Media talent:11
Wall Street bankers/ Private equity: 7
Superstar Investors: 6
Hollywood stars: 5
Politicians/ Political officials/ advisers: 5
Ex-politicians: 2
Young Internet CEOs: 2
TV producers: 2
Authors: 2
International money managers: 1
Financial analysts: 1
Other celebrities: 1
Architects: 1
Scientists: 1
Athletes: 1

Biggest gainer: John Malone, from 86 to 21


Biggest loser: Stephen Colbert, from 45 to 79


Who got "down" arrows?: Rush Limbaugh, Bill Keller, Jeff Zucker, Evan Williams and Biz Stone (pictured), Steve Ballmer


New to the list: Lauren Zalaznick, Lebron James, Craig Venter, Anil Ambani, Jason Kilar, Simon Fuller, Bobby Kotick, Paul Krugman, Todd Phillips, Harvey and Bob Weinstein, David Einhorn, Meredith Whitney, Harvey Levin, the Politico guys, Stephenie Meyer, Glenn Beck, Wang Chuanfu, Matt Blank, Alber Elbaz, Richard Plepler, Maria Bartiromo and Erin Burnett, Lorne Michaels, Dan Doctoroff, Michael Bay, Ryan Kavanaugh, Tyler Perry, Meryl Streep, Gao Xiqing, Mike Duke, Desiree Rogers, JJ Abrams, Evan Williams and Biz Stone, Nicolas Sarkozy, David Axelrod, Rahm Emanuel, Valerie Jarrett, and Pete Rouse, Larry Fink (pictured, the highest ranking new entry, at #6)

Michael Bloomberg: The guy who will win.

Tony Avella: The guy who will lose the Democratic nomination.

Bill Thompson: The guy who will win the Democratic nomination, then lose.

Robert Burck, The Naked Cowboy: Now we're talking! A real live fakey fake candidate! He stands out in Times Square impressing tourists for sure! He is a neat freak who lives in Secaucus! For these and other reasons people who actually live in New York City despise him as a symbol of the city's Disneyfication and he will surely do terribly, even by joke vanity candidate standards.

Reverend Billy Talen: Reverend Billy! You have surely seen him leading a choir of anti-consumerists in Union Square or taking over your local Starbucks, with preaching. He is now running on the ticket of the Green Party, which, in some counties out West, is considered a borderline real political party! He will garner the meager urban hippie vote.

Frances Villar: Candidate from the Party for Socialism and Liberation. "The Billionaires are not our friends!" she exhorts. Correct. Not your friend, especially, as it is a billionaire who will handily defeat you in the mayoral election. She will finish in the top 4 in the lesbian vote.

Jimmy McMillan: Candidate of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party, or, as Jimmy puts it conversationally, the Rent Too Damn High Party. He has an AOL email address and a MySpace page. Could threaten late.

• ABC: 3-1. Barbara Walters? Hello? She was made for this.
• CBS: 4-1. Madoff could easily fall prey to the charms of Katie Couric; then at the last minute CBS could swap her out for the 60 Minutes people. Maybe all the 60 Minutes people, at once, hurling questions at Madoff press conference-style, as he squints into a bright spotlight, confused. That's good solid television.
• NBC: 5-1. They have the resources of a network, but who are they really going to send in there, Stone Phillips? Heh. NBC's correspondents would all seem to wear too much hair gel to be considered top-tier contenders.
• CNBC: 9-1. They could appeal to Bernie like so: "Those other networks just want to make you look like a monster in front of an audience of unsophisticated, bloodthirsty, oafish Americans. We can make you look like a flawed but intriguingly brilliant financial genius in front of an audience of slightly more sophisticated, bloodthirsty, greedy investors, who are more than willing to suspend moral judgment if you toss off a few stock tips." Then they can send Jim Cramer to do the interview and just imagine how fun that would be.
• Fox News: 12-1. Hey, Republicans respect self-made millionaires. Plus they could agree to send Bill O'Reilly to interview him and talk only about how New York was a better place when white guys lived in Flatbush.
• Youtube: 18-1. This is what Madoff would do if he was really smart. Get a flip cam, start his own YouTube channel, and do the interviews himself. All the networks would be forced to run them anyhow, and he wouldn't have to tolerate one god damn second of Steve Kroft's mock-surprised look.
• PBS: 25-1. Charlie Rose or Jim Lehrer are both incapable of showing outrage on their faces, which would serve Madoff well, PR-wise.
• CNN: 30-1. Were Larry King to be the guy chosen to conduct the first Madoff interview, the public outrage when the interview devolved into two guys trading stories about women and baseball could potentially get CNN's headquarters burned to the ground.
• NY1: 80-1. Bernie's been transferred out of Manhattan jail now, but still. Roger Clark and Bernie Madoff, on roller skates, at the Central Park Zoo, feeding the sea lions. DO IT.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Elyssa Spitzer, Huffington Post—Eliot Spitzer's daughter (far left)! Interning at the Huffington Post! Funny, funny. We assume she's an intern, at least. This story today was "Filed by Elyssa Spitzer"—"filed," in the sense of "pasted from the AP." Apparently everyone at HuffPo has grace enough not to discuss the richness of their "Eliot Spitzer Prostitution" tag. We'd check and see how Elyssa got her job there, but they won't talk to us, about anything, as a matter of policy! Welcome to the new media revolution, Elyssa!


The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Theo Spielberg, New York magazine—Theo, son of Stephen Spielberg, is raking in $7.15 per hour this summer as an editorial intern at New York. He enjoys the real music scene so look for him...in places not covered by New York magazine. Interns there are also not allowed to speak to us, as a matter of policy!


The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Tallulah Willis, Harper's Bazaar—As the 15 year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, Tallulah already has valuable experience in areas important to Harper's Bazaar editors, such as "Having direct access to Demi Moore and her friends." She's over there interning as "a guest" of the magazine, which is something they'll do for any teenager, just ask them! We don't have any harsh words to direct at the 15 year-old herself, but if she's still working in the media at 18, such words could manifest themselves.


As always, celebrity media interns were more qualified for the position than you. If you know more that should be added to this list, email us.

Central Park Tennis Center ($5 million): Um a tennis company HELLO?!?


Pool at McCarren Park, Hipster Central (Pictured, in all its glory. $3 million): The hipster kickball league, obviously. If they can't get the money together, then Raytheon Integrated Defense Systems.

Pool at Flushing Meadows ($3 million): HahahawaitwaitguyswaitokayhereitisCHARMIN. Ahahaha. Because of toilet paper.

Chelsea Recreation Center ($2 million): Something so gay. South Carolina.

Ball Fields at Dewitt Clinton Park in Hell's Kitchen ($2 million): Gordon Ramsay can't afford the logical Hell's Kitchen tie-in. So...America's other favorite gourmet chef, Rachael Ray.

Sports Facility at Mill Pond Park, The Bronx ($2 million): The 'The Bronx' demographic is not desirable to corporate America at this time. Thank you for asking.

[NYP, pic via.]

1. The actual "news" part of it is boring: A new case of swine flu in New Zealand. A new case in Queens. On and on ad infinitum. Do you know what immediate worldwide reporting of single flu cases does not add up to? An interesting and newsworthy story. It adds up to scaremongering! Reporting every single new case of anything will make it appear to be a grave threat. See: Crime reporting on local news networks.
And try this test: Are new cases of deadly disease X emerging at a slow enough rate that they can each be reported in individual news stories? Then it's not much of a pandemic! When might it actually become a pandemic that sweeps the globe? Maybe next week, maybe never! Stay tuned for by-the-minute updates, until you starve to death.

2. Tedious images: Pictures of people wearing masks. It's only funny for one day. It would be more interesting if someone explained how these magical flimsy paper masks kept humans safe from germs. What's their secret???

3. Scare tactic overload: Because there's little actual news going on here, every TV news anchor is forced to use the "scare voice" to make this story seem important enough to justify the hours it's filling. The "scare voice" applied to less-than-apocalyptic stories is the prime reason people think cable news is full of shit, generally.
Maybe the print media is better? A little. But not completely. Hey, check out this CNN story on "what the world might see if there is another pandemic":

World health Organization officials believe as many as 1.5 billion people around the globe would seek medical care and nearly 30 million would seek hospitalization. Based on the last pandemic and current world population, as many as 7 million people could die, epidemiologists said.

"Hospitals will become overcrowded, schools will close, businesses will close, airports will be empty," Dr. Lo said.

Will there be an accompanying zombie war? Wait another day or two and CNN will tell us!

4. No good heroes or villains: Faceless low-level health workers versus a microscopic virus? It's a failure of drama. If Bin Laden and Jack Bauer are found to be involved though, watch out!

5. No incentive for news outlets to cut down on the bullshit: Panic is great for the media. Ideally for media outlets, the population would be in a state of low-level panic at all times, punctuated only by frequent crises that boost us into a higher level of panic. Even news people who realize something is bullshit also know that Panic=Attention to News People. For example: Media antihero Michael Wolff is writing columns about what a bullshit story this is. His columns appear on Newser right next to HUGE LEAD STORIES about the Deadly Swine Flu Epidemic.
Wake us up when we're all dead.

[Pic: Getty]

ITEM: Channel 9 News station somewhere in Australia has downgraded the staff's free luxury coffee to Nescafe. Brutal.


ITEM: At the Hollywood Reporter, we hear, staffers are no longer allowed to expense lunches. Will this lead to a lean and mean staff eating homemade sandwiches at their desks as they pound out more stories? No, more likely it will lead to staff desperately hinting to assorted industry flacks who still have expense accounts that they should pick up the bill. We'll, uh, get it next time!


ITEM: A tipster forwarded us a Newsweek staff memo about 14 new expense cutbacks. To be honest, Newsweek is still incredibly profligate by today's standards. The terrifying cuts include:

4. Meals while traveling will be reimbursed per day instead of per meal with a maximum of $75 per day. Receipts will be required to be reimbursed.
5. While traveling, dry cleaning cost will only be reimbursed for stays of five days or more.
6. Meals with other Newsweek employees will only be reimbursed when either a VP or above (Business) or Assistant Managing Editor or above (Editorial) take out a subordinate(s) for business purposes.
7. Employees working more then 10 hours in a day (excluding lunch) will be reimbursed up to $25 for the cost of a meal when a receipt is provided.
8. No more than one Company-paid gift per event (wedding, baby shower, etc) will be reimbursed and pre-approval is required by the Editor or his designee or a VP or above on a pre-approval form. No gift should exceed $100.
9. The cost of parties & other staff entertaining must be pre-approved by the department head on a pre-approval form.
10. The reimbursement of rental attire will be limited to twice a calendar year and capped at a $100 per rental and must be pre-approved by the department head on a pre-approval form...
14. The following expenses will no longer be reimbursed:
+ Airline clubs
+ Athletic clubs
+ Luncheon clubs
+ At home delivery of subscriptions
+ Meals for internal meetings with other employees
+ Overnight in town lodging
+ Air travel in first or business class to accompany a client
+ Babysitting

In other words, Newsweek used to freely reimburse employees for all these things. Sinners.

ITEM: Most terrifying of all, another tipster tells us that Alpha Media—fresh on the heels of folding Blender last week—is now unable to provide sanitary items, such as toilet paper, at least for the women:

In addition to losing half our staff last week (when was the last time you saw grown men sobbing openly in their cubicles?) today we came in to find the women's bathroom on the sales & marketing floor fresh out of toilet paper and paper towels. Rumor has it that office services refuses to restock because there is a "limited supply" of paper products. We're down to a couple of tissues...then there's no telling what will happen.

[Pictured above and at left: Actual images of Alpha Media's woefully bare women's bathroom. Send help!]

Jo Jensen will save the GOP with arena rock!


Christopher Hall PROVES that voting for Barack Obama causes murder. He's also from Georgia. HIRE HIM.

Heather Kydd knows the key to building a broad-based diverse coalition to transform the Republican party for the 21st century: White Nevadans.

Patrick Maloney is standing before a bust of Lincoln and a painting of Lincoln. Let him help the GOP save Lincoln from Obama comparisons!


Adam J. Schmidt wears an American flag lapel pin.

Old: War reporter. New: Army Private—No embedding necessary. Write a book afterwards!


Old: Gossip reporter. New: Bartender—You will know everything there is to know about the glamorous alcoholics in front of you, every day.

Old: Sports reporter. New: NBA Superstar—Statistically, J-school graduates are now equally likely to land either of these jobs when they get out of school.


Old: Foreign correspondent. New: Peace Corps—The Peace Corps is still accepting applicants, as far as we know. Knowing how to write comes in handy when teaching English, in Uzbekistan.

Old: Business reporter. New: TPS Reports Writer—You'll find that the upside-down pyramid style really helps middle management digest those TPS reports more quickly and effectively. A good use for copy editing as well!


Old: Media reporter. New: Flack—New graduates could actually have a leg up on getting into the PR industry. All the laid-off reporters trying to switch careers probably pissed off and abused the flacks already; new grads can act like J-school was just a training ground for Corporate Communications.

Old: Feature writer. New: Subway Performer—Countless enterprising young J-schoolers have come here to the big city and knocked out an experiential "Life of a Subway Performer" story for their features class. Now you can cut out the middleman by writing features on the L train, for change. The tunnel between 1st Ave. and Bedford gives you upwards of three minutes to capture your subjects' essential spirit.


Old: Paid Intern. New: Unpaid Intern—Money corrupts the editorial process!

Old: Travel writer. New: Cruise Ship Employee—See the world, free of deadlines and hassling editors.


Old: Underqualified journalist. New: Overqualified blogger—Uh...on second thought, we don't need the competition.

[You have our sympathies.]

• Warren Buffett, the world's best investor, has his worst financial year ever in 2008. (Still better than your financial year). 2009 will also suck, he says.
• Some economists think Ireland is the next Iceland. Meaning its economy will collapse, this year.
• One in ten people in California is unemployed. God strikes the state with drought.
• Even the fanciest law firms are laying off hundreds of lawyers. They will all be forced to sue you, for sustenance.
• The fourth quarter of 08 was the American economy's worst in a quarter century.
• The government throws yet more billions at Citigroup, but it will, of course, have to throw billions and billions more soon. The same thing goes for AIG. This money will all disappear.
• The Washington Redskins sign one player to a $100 million contract. This money will all disappear.

"An early 18th-century Gobelins tapestry of a Brazilian native potentate being carried through a jungle in a hammock fetched 553,000 euros yesterday. The 12-foot-high hanging had been expected to fetch 100,000 euros to 150,000 euros.
'That was a crazy price,' said Machault, who specializes in tapestries. 'The top of the tapestry was restored and it was worth half that.'"


"A telephone bidder paid a 10 times-estimate 46,600 euros for a lump of black quartz that had been owned by Saint Laurent.
Similar mineral samples can be bought in specialist stores for less than 500 euros, said dealers."


"Saint Laurent's silver fetched 19.9 million euros against an upper estimate of 7.1 million euros on Feb. 24. All 111 lots sold." [Like this table service for $405k—four times the high estimate!]


"A 17th-century German silver-gilt ceremonial cup sold to the Paris-based dealers Galerie J. Kugel for 853,000 euros, more than eight times the low estimate."


And these two bronze Chinese sculptures, which were looted, were sold over the objections of the Chinese government for $39 million. Ain't that something? [Bloomberg]

RapRadar: Elliot Wilson, former editor of hip hop magazine XXL, is launching what he hopes will become the Huffington Post of Hip Hop. Which is just a horrible slogan. Basically it'll be some HuffPo-ish mix of blogging, journalism, and hip hop celebrities writing guest columns. "If Jay-Z wants to express his feelings about Obama, there's not really a forum where he can do that right now," Wilson says. This is false.
Chance of Survival: Not great, but theoretically possible. XXL was a quality magazine. If he can replicate that online, he could build an audience. Problem: XXL already replicated itself online. Problem 2: Audience doesn't mean advertisers. See Vibe magazine, currently.

The Wrap: Ex-NYT correspondent and Gawker opponent Sharon Waxman launched this Hollywood/ entertainment news site thing last month. Bad timing, but hey.
Chance of Survival: Ehhh.... moderate? It'll have to get better. Waxman has some money at her back, which is good. But she has some very entrenched competition in Hollywood. If something happens to Nikki Finke, then... slightly less of a chance of failure.


BastardLife: This is Genre magazine editor Neal Boulton's "pansexual sex & relationships site for ALL men." No idea what that means. Is 'pansexual' different than 'bisexual?' It's a question you may be able to find the answer to at Bastardlife.com
Chance of Survival: As a forum for Neal Boulton's personal musings, decent. As a moneymaking venture, very low. Unless pansexuality takes off as a recession thing.


Alpha Kitty: Atoosa Rubenstein was a big shot editor at Seventeen magazine. Then she left to run this "Alpha Kitty" project. Which, as best we can tell, now consists of her Myspace page and a Youtube channel.
Chance of survival: Ummm.. good? But the chance of making money with this is nil, as far as we can tell. Although to be completely honest I'm still not sure what this thing really is.


The Daily Beast: I made up a little haiku about The Daily Beast, ready?:
Tina Brown glamour
Fancy online articles
No advertising

Chance of Survival: Unless Tina comes up with a brilliant plan to monetize this site, it will be a victim of its launch timing and its utter lack of urgency to come up with a workable business plan. She will burn through Barry Diller's millions, subsidizing many worthy writers in the process, then eventually fold. It will be a nice place to go back to and read the archives one day, though.

[Disclosure: Neal Boulton has owed me freelance money forever, so I may be biased.]

Reason rejected: "The Times can't publish a bare breast and a nipple!"


Reason rejected: Howell Raines said "It looks like an ejaculation."


Reason rejected: Teat-sucking.


[Flavorwire]