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not afraid to be servicey

How to Make Fun of Barack Obama

Poor Maureen Dowd doesn't know how to make fun of Barack Obama. It's actually pretty easy! Everyone misses Bill Clinton because he enjoyed extramarital sex with interns and oddly unattractive women, he had a southern accent, and he was kind of chubby. Everyone will miss George W. Bush because he's stupid. Those traits are so, so easy to mock! But the problem is jokes about those traits were and are and always have been terrible. Have another Big Mac, Bubba! Then put a cigar in someone's vagina! Hey George Bush you look like a chimp! And, like a chimp, your grasp of complex concepts like grammar is often lacking! Jesus. Stop already. Obama's a godsend, because he lacks those easy buttons. So everyone has to be more creative with their humor. Allow us to help you! More »

on beauty

Matt Damon Joins Fat Actors Prestige Club

Good Will Hunting actor Matt Damon has been spotted sporting some packed-on pounds while filming the movie The Informant. His character is, I guess, supposed to be just a "regular guy," meaning his abs aren't toned and washboarded and he maybe eats a cheeseburger every now and then. As actresses tend to ugly up their faces and put on prosthetic noses and teeth to get serious acting cred, it seems that actors often have to let themselves go in the waistline. I'm sure that says something about standards of beauty for men vs. women, but that's a whole exhausting topic that ends with yelling and a lot of Betty Friedan quotes. So instead we'll take a look, after the jump, at seven other guys who bulked-up for movie roles, with some mixed results. More »

publicity stunts

Best Promo Ever: Punching Employees In The Face

There's a new list of the top 40 publicity stunts of all time out, and we've found what is—without a doubt—the most worthwhile of them all, from just two weeks ago: a production company called Action Figure produced a techno-scored, super slow-mo, two-minute video of all their employees getting punched in the face. Really. This should be a mandatory stunt for many of America's top corporations. Its power can hardly be described; just watch it, after the jump. More »

gallery

Are These The 10 Hottest Female Athletes?

Here's PopCrunch's selections for the "10 Hottest Female Athletes of All Time". Anyone they missed? Anything they got wrong? Thoughts? More »

rumorbusting

Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?

The speculation today over actress Lindsay Lohan's possible sapphistry got us wondering about other celebrity gay rumors. If you believe Sex and the City, people whispering that you're a secret 'mo means you've finally arrived. If you believe former NSYNC band member and current slacks and defeated, lonely expression wearer JC Chasez those rumors are annoying. And what if, like Lindsay, you're rumored to be dating another celebrity? What does it all mean?? After the jump we'll take a look at LiLo and SamRo and other *possible* couples, like Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong, who are rumored to be sharing a charming little flat in downtown Sodom. More »

nightlife

Hamptons Memorial Day Weekend

We've put together a quick and dirty list of the hottest spots in the Hamptons this Memorial Day weekend, which starts for us incredibly soon. If you are rich, famous, or fabulous, you will no doubt go to at least one of these clubs. We will not. So please send us reports, as well as info on upcoming Hamptons parties this summer so we can put together our full calendar. After the jump, where to blow money this weekend: More »

comedy

Are These The 25 Funniest People in America?

EW.com lists their picks for the 25 funniest people in America today. They make some great choices (Kristen Wiig, Amy and David Sedaris) and some not so good ones (Diablo Cody and Augusten Burroughs? Really?) Some of the ordering is off, too. Diablo is funnier than Dave Chappelle? Amy Poehler and Will Arnett in Blades of Glory are funnier than Conan? I think not! We're glad that David Cross made it on, but what about the whole Arrested Development team? Sure the show has been off the air for a couple of years, but they're just as "current" as No. 6 pick Chris Rock, aren't they? Take a look at their list and tell us who they missed. One of our picks is after the jump. More »

speak up, college

Ten of Our Favorite Commencement Speeches

Earlier today, in honor of the season (and Larry Tribe's "thank your parents for boning" NYU speech, at left), I shared my favorite commencement speech and asked for yours. We got some responses, people citing writers like Kurt Vonnegut, comedians like Jon Stewart, and captains of industry like Steve Jobs. What makes a good speech? There doesn't seem to be any one rubric. A successful speech can be a serious person being funny, a comedian with gravitas, a writer getting loopy, a businessman thinking deep. I guess the only essential "rules" for success are obvious: don't be boring, be insightful, and be as honest as possible. Hey! That sounds like graduation advice. After the jump, find ten, in no particular order, of our (and your) favorite commencement speeches. More »

psa

The Five Most Dangerous Countries for Bloggers

Internet nerds became terribly excited recently when Twitter sprung a man from jail, but it's worth noting that in most of the world, blogging is much, much more likely to send you to to clink. While there are a number of bloggers whose eternal imprisonment—possibly in the Phantom Zone—we fantasize about daily, we grudgingly admit that throwing bloggers in jail for blogging is probably bad. So as a public service, we're here to tell you where not to blog if you value your freedom. China and Iran probably get the most press for their blogger crack-downs, and Malaysia just arrested a blogger this week, but if there's anything we learned from skimming the site of the Committee to Protect Bloggers, it's this: don't Tumblr in Egypt. More »

open caption

"I Should Have Devoured You In The Womb."

[Ashley Olsen, who was recently named #47 on Maxim's 100 Hottest list with twin sister, Mary-Kate who, heh, was not on the list at all (again) at the Met's Costume Gala Ball Anna Wintour Fest Thing; image via Splash] More »

punditry

Today in Lists

Today, the UK Telegraph unveiled its "50 Most Influential US Political Pundits" list. Though only entries 50-41. This merits a Drudge link? The rest of the entries will apparently be revealed as the week drags on. We anxiously await learning who some center-right Brits think pull our strings! Meanwhile, Nerve today posted the more satisfying "Top 10 Rich People Who Look Poor" list, so we figured we'd just combine them and present the Top 2 Influential Political Pundits Who Look Poor. More »

crayons

Gaylord Children Invent Gay New Crayons

In honor of the 50th anniversary of the 64-crayon box, Crayola is tarnishing its sacred traditions with eight "newly named colors," supposedly selected by kids, most likely kids who eat crayons. The new names? "Super Happy (yellow), Fun in the Sun (orange), Giving Tree (green), Bear Hug (brown), Awesome (dusty pink), Happy Ever After (blue), Famous (hot pink) and Best Friends (purple)." Oh god, "Super Happy"? "Famous"??? Yeesh. Do not want. Some rejected crayon names, after the jump: More »

Are These the 110 Classics? In what we like to call a "listicle," the Telegraph picks the 110 best classic books. Lists are such funny, arbitrary things: people mainly read through for the satisfaction of either nodding in agreement or enjoying a good burst of outrage. They also have a slightly degrading womens-mag function: "Everybody should have a little black dress... and a copy of Wuthering Heights!" In other words, lists keep our society going. [Telegraph]

lists

The 50 Baddest Bad Guys in Movie History

Entertainment Weekly provides one its handy listicles this weekend, in two parts. "50 Most Vile Movie Villains" wisely hands first place to Darth Vader and runner-up to Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. But after that, the selections grow maddening. First of all, Halloween's Michael Myers is nowhere on the list! And, please, Michael could—and would—totally gut the hell out of any villain anywhere, ever. More »

Oversights Respectable publication Maxim has a list of the ten sexiest vegetarians, with predictable picks like Joss Stone, Pamela Anderson, and Natalie Portman. Missing from the list: famous vegetarian George Bernard Shaw. Who could be sexier than George Bernard Shaw? [Maxim]

advertising

Shocking The Public With Scorpions

What is the single most repellent image that humans can conjure up? Apparently, it's scorpions. Trendhunter has a list of the Top 50 "Shockvertisements" in recent history—ads that stirred up a controversy. The most common thread, obviously, is sex; but three different campaigns on the list chose to shock people by picturing scorpions. Scorpions that are touching you! Advertisers find that no other bug comes close in its ability to disgust. Below, pictures of the three scorpion ads: one is shocking but effective, one is weird but effective, and one is just misguided. More »

mavericks

Five Things You Didn't Know About John McCain's Penis

So now that we know everything we need to know about balls and penises, we've turned our attention to politics, and to the penis of John McCain, the man—the hero—who could be our next president. After the jump, five important facts about John McCain's penis. More »

listicles

Your Balls, in Five Bullet Points

CBS News has been running a lot unappetizing stories about sex lately. First it was "Things You Didn't Know About Your Penis" (or "Four Things I Already Knew About Your Penis And One That Grossed Me Out"). Then there was "Top 10 Reasons To Have Sex Tonight" (or "10 Terrible Reasons to Have Sex Tonight.") Instead of waiting for CBS to produce their inevitable list of factoids about testicles, we made our own. After the jump, five terribly important facts about balls. More »