After years of listening to centenarians rave about the wonders of Greek yogurt and steam rooms one little (really) old lady has finally conceded that life's only true fountain of youth is bacon.

Want to live longer? Pathetic. Your slavish determination to cling to mortality at all costs marks you as a weak and sickening little character. Anyhow—have we got a long life secret for YOU! Stank breath.

Child fever! Nicotine gum! Obesity docs! Baby times! Optimistic death! Lying teenagers! Running job! Women smoking! And menthol vindication! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with a minimally acceptable level of competence!

Just a few days after discovering that Tokyo's "oldest man" had actually been dead for 30 years, city officials found out the oldest woman—supposedly 113 years old—hasn't been seen since 1986. Embarrassing! [BBC; pic via Shutterstock]

Scientists have analyzed the DNA of geriatric New Englanders and believe they have discovered the genetic markers that predict extreme longevity. And because you are morbidly curious, you will soon be able to test yourself for those markers!

Residents of New York City now have the longest life expectancy ever. Thank you, thank you. Thanks. How do we do it, besides killing each other less frequently? By not making the common fitness mistakes of Middle America.