Jenny Slate and Gabe Liedman, comedic duo

What does Tre design?
If you own a harpsichord, but also think Elvira is a classy lady, then you'll be at one with Tre's designs—a subtle collection of punk-rock flapper-gear for the 24-hour tranny.

Is that raccoon tail on his bag an homage to his Southern upbringing? What other cultural signifiers can you find in Tre's ensemble?
Tre loves to blend a million different cultural signifiers in every outfit. He'll give you a Matrix coat, Pirates of the Caribbean necklaces, and a shellacked Zelda Fitzgerald jerrycurl—and it's all the same to him:
"...you should never change who you are. Even if I walk down the street and get a lot of "What the fuck is that?"—I just smile, I keep on walking, and keep on doing it, because no one's ever going to get it if I don't..."
We think the raccoon tail is definitely an homage to his southern upbringing, but also his resolve to just 'keep on walking'—even if there's a feral raccoon attached to your purse. Just keep walking, til the whole damn thing rots off. You're almost there girlfriend!! Tre fancies himself a chameleon, which we think is a stretch. This dude would have as good of a chance blending in anywhere as Imus would have on America's Next Top Model.

What do John Howard Knight I and II think of III?
They'd be rolling over in their graves to know that III only includes a corset in his nighttime look. How can you call yourself a John Howard Knight and have the audacity to let your body flop around uncorseted all day long?! Chivalry really is dead, even for southern boyz.

Matt Oberg, comedian

What does Tre design?
Casual wear for tomorrow's villain on the go. He is also about to release a
line of evil change purses. They can all be considered gothic because that
is what Tre's style is.

Is that raccoon tail on his bag an homage to his Southern upbringing? What other cultural signifiers can you find in Tre's ensemble?
The raccoon tail is not an homage at all, it is attached to the raccoon he keeps in that bag. "Some people think raccoons are dangerous, but they just don't get it". The necklaces are an obvious nod to Mr T. Tre pities the fool that has fingers on his gloves.

What do John Howard Knight I and II think of III?
They are proud of his gothic style. They wish that he would stop letting Paul bully him. They are worried about who will tighten the corset when it proves too much for their arthritic hands. But mostly they are all "We're just happy that when he wakes up his hair's already done".

Sarah Burns, actor, writer, Tre-aholic

What does Tre design?
Seriously, what doesn't Tre design? Think about it. Tre's out there, every day, rain or shine, going like the Hammers of Hell, corseted, Betty-Boop-hair-helmeted, dragging that giant bag filled to the brim with raccoons helping people "get him". I know. The shorts over tights, the boots, the countless silver necklaces...GOD ...it's straight out of the KMFDM Fan's Guide to Going Out, but that's just old Tre, throwing us a curveball. Tre doesn't care. He doesn't even notice. He's on a mission. You could probably jump on his back and he wouldn't even flinch. When he's focused, forget it. I bet he is out there right now and people, the ignorant fools that we are, are like "Oh, his style is goth," or "What the fuck is that?" It makes me so mad. And Tre, he's just smiling, he's just walking because he HAS TO. Because if he didn't, and forgive me if I get emotional here, if he didn't PEOPLE WOULDN'T GET IT. So when you ask "What does Tre design?" I say Inspiration. Self Respect. Duty. And fishnet crop-tops.

Is that raccoon tail on his bag an homage to his Southern upbringing? What other cultural signifiers can you find in Tre's ensemble?
The thing about Tre is: he never forgets. You can wrap him up in cellophane, spray him with silly string and put him on a boat to Madagascar but he would never loose touch with the good ole boy he truly is. Which is why he carries a bag full of raccoons with him wherever he goes. But he's also vintage. Look at him. He totally nails the Joseph Goebbels look. So '40's!

What do John Howard Knight I and II think of III?
Oh please they love it! When Tre comes home, it's like a light goes on in the otherwise dull existence of Chapel Hill. Or should I say Chapel Chill? People fling themselves at him the way only a Pope or a Rolling Stone could tell you about. There is shoving and undoubtedly pushing. Children get trampled. Its pandemonium and JHK I and II can't get enough of it.. Frankly, I think JHK I and II push Tre a little too hard when he comes home. They parade Tre around like the Infanta, poor thing, when all he wants to do is his laundry and eat his mom's tuna mac.

Designer John Howard Knight III [NYM]

Rachael Parenta, Computer Mover/Joke Teller/Ninja

What's Professor Collie got in his pocket? It's bulging.
Professor Collie has a pocket full of scrunchies. Dreadlocks can chafe the neck if left dangling too long. It takes a pocket full of scrunchies to give this graphic designer some relief from the pounds of his locks.

This photo's very dynamic and they seem to be discussing something. What?
Kareem is telling Donald, "Yes, Donald, last night was great. Well, I could have done without the accidental teeth action, but that's not the point. The point is I don't really think we should date for what would be a third time. We're best as graphic designer partners and nothing more. I just love you too much to risk you ripping my heart out yet again. I've short-circuited the IMacs with my tears twice now. Heartbreak just isn't cost effective for the firm. Donald tries to respond, "I didn't ask to date a third time—-" To which Kareem says, "Shhh, baby, we just can't."

Kareem Dimitrious Collie's real name cannot really be Kareem Dimitrious
Collie. What's his real name?
Kareem's Collie's name is Mordechi O'Hanlan Rameriz Entonelli. The Collie is 5th generation Hell's Kitchen whose initials spell M.O.R.E because Kareema and his Collie always want more.

Describe Kareem and Donald's "aura."
Kareem and Donald have a bright, florescent, "Don't hit me I'm biking at night" orange aura. It clashes with everything. The aura's scent is reminiscent of the Gawanus Canal. Listen guys, you can keep the hats but that aura has got to go.

Jack Silbert, writer, editor and bon vivant

What's Professor Collie got in his pocket? It's bulging.
The ol' Perfesser has placed one Skittle in his front-right pants pocket each year that Milli Vanilli has been denied induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is an injustice that he cannot simply blame on the rain. Franklin doesn't have the heart to tell his chum about the Hall's "25 years after release of first record" requirement.

This photo's very dynamic and they seem to be discussing something. What?
Collie is making a very compelling argument for diagonal shoulder straps, while Franklin defends conventional handles. However, the two are soon giggling like schoolgirls when Franklin interjects, "Well, honey, if you get to be the Professor, I'm Thurston Howell III."

Kareem Dimitrious Collie's real name cannot really be Kareem Dimitrious
Collie. What's his real name?
Kareem Dimitrious Collie's real name was Donald Ray Franklin. He had it legally changed in college, as people kept assuming he and Donald Ray Franklin II were a parent and child who looked like siblings (much like the Judds, whose first record was released 24 years ago). So he constructed a new name using his favorite cheese, his favorite antonym of meritorious, and his favorite flower.

Describe Kareem and Donald's "aura."
"I hope the contract gets signed before they figure out we're not Big Boi and Andre 3000."

Scott Eckert, writer

What's Professor Collie got in his pocket? It's bulging.
A journal, a diary and an iPod for dictation. He's a professor. His ideas are important.

This photo's very dynamic and they seem to be discussing something. What?

I was there, so this is my recollection.

DONALD: I'd like to meet that tall guy from 300.
KAREEM: You mean that king guy? He was, like, nine feet tall.
ME: But they did that with computers, right?
BOTH: (blank, corpse-like stares)
ME: You're graphic designers. Doesn't it look like CGI to you?
BOTH: (a glassy emptiness betraying idiocy and hatred)

Then they argued about where to get vegetarian tacos for about 20 minutes.

Kareem Dimitrious Collie's real name cannot really be Kareem Dimitrious Collie. What's his real name?

This is a tough one since he's gone to such lengths to mask his true identity, donning the professor guise on top of his Kareem persona. (Bruce Wayne pioneered the method by sometimes wearing a Betty White get-up over his Batsuit.) My knee-jerk guess: Link, Morpheus' operator and a genuine child of Zion.

But the answer is simpler than that: Marshall Hennes, 34, from Albany. No amount of peanut butter in his hair or anguish-laden pleas to God can change that—which is exactly what Mr. Jagoff "Donald" Joylesslifeson to the right has been saying for years.

Describe Kareem and Donald's "aura."

Rebellion. Anarchy. And Death . Don't be fooled by Kareem's playful check pants or Donald's rainbow scarf; the stench of misery and cruelty permeate all they touch. Donald replaced the fucking sailor buttons on his RL blazer!!! That spells badass better than anything this side of scalping Laura Ingalls Wilder (which Kareem allegedly did).

Dapper Graphic Designers [NYM]

Matt Kirsch, Duder

When she was Look-Book-ed, Jenn was due in a week. What did Jenn end up naming her child?

At the eleventh hour, they switched from Slippy to George then back to Slippie (but this time with an 'ie) but in the end they both agreed on Robitussin Lombardo (Rob for short) and yeah, obviously they got a lot of flack about it (I'm pretty sure the Post headline was: "Cough Syrup Baby Stuns In-laws") but honestly I don't know what people are freaking out about, nine out of ten doctors recommend Robitussin, it'll not only get rid of your cough but also that annoying congested feeling you sometimes get. Gosh, people can be so jealous.

Why no photo of Jenn 's feet, Jake?

Jake: OK to be perfectly honest I signed a waiver at the shoot preventing me from saying anything negative about Ms. Lombardo's feet, but, heck, I can talk freely about her "naked slippers" (wink wink) and let's just say her "naked slippers" (wink wink) were completely overrun with bacteria.

This heel-adaptation that Jenn claims has also been claimed by Mariah Carey. Would Mariah and Jenne hit it off?

Oh they've met before! Jenn was an assistant counselor at Camp Mariah (an arts camp for underprivileged youths) during the summer of 1992, and I heard she got fired by Mariah herself after performing Whitney's Houston's "Queen of the Night" at the staff talent show. As she yanked Jenn off the wooden stage, Mariah allegedly whispered, "Not in my house."

Ellie Kemper, Actress/Comedienne/Writress/Female

When she was Look-Book-ed, Jenn was due in a week. What did Jenn end up naming her child?

Penne. Right? Last time I checked in, I believe Jenn was going with Penne.

Why no photo of Jenn 's feet, Jake?

1) It is sort of the Muppet Babies "Nanny" effect, except with Jenn 's feet instead of her face. Just as the Babies saw Nanny from a toddler's point of view, so we see Jenn from an adult's point of view. We are all adults here, after all. But might I dare say that Jenn is the only Lad .

2) Is it not enough that Jenn was forced to wear flats today? Must we subject her to further humiliation by including a photo of them? The woman has devised a revolutionary new way of walking that allows her to move in high heels without falling down, has watched the front pads of her feet grow a full three inches thicker to cushion the blow of each high-heeled step, and all we can think of to do is to make fun of her on the one day she is caught in shoes that do not include heels? Thank you for demonstrating a touch of class, Jake.

3) With the alarmingly large polka-dotted fetus emerging from Jenn 's vintage rain slicker, we have other things to worry about than feet.

This heel-adaptation that Jenn claims has also been claimed by Mariah Carey. Would Mariah and Jenne hit it off?

Mariah and Jenn ? Not so much. Mariah and Jenn 's fianc ? Perhaps. The guy seems to have a thing for boobs.

Maybe if we pointed out to Jenn that Mariah was the brains behind Glitter. I think they both really like that movie.

Raquel DApice, distracted waitress, comedian

When she was Look-Book-ed, Jenn was due in a week. What did Jenn end up naming her child?

"Khaki," because it's a really basic name that goes with everything, but that she can dress up with cute middle names from H&M or Forever 21.

Why no photo of Jenn 's feet, Jake?

After being doused with Dasani by a staff member, Jenn 's feet (remniscent of the 1984 Movie "Splash" starring Daryl Hannah) merged into a photographically distracting tailfin. Unable to stand for the photoshoot, she was actually propped upright by a series of reduced-scale flying buttresses and an unnamed three year-old.

This heel-adaptation that Jenn claims has also been claimed by Mariah Carey. Would Mariah and Jenne hit it off?

How could they not? Under Mariah's tutelage, Jenn could more effectively use the front-pad stepping technique to minimize distracting heel-noise while walking. Her stealth will come in handy when shoplifting gargantuan Easter eggs, such as the one displayed under her trendy but timeless raincoat.

Jenn Lombardo, Promotional-Events Executive [NYM]

Joe Mande, comedian

Marie-Claude met her husband at a bullfight in the south of France. Describe said meeting. What was Marie-Claude wearing, etc.
It was the early Eighties, and Marie-Claude was working on the French bullfighting circuit as a Matadoremoiselle. Her look was a mixture of the traditional (sequined jacket, black felt pom pom hat, red cape) with the popular look at the time (Espirit jean skirt, leg warmers, and hi-top Adidas).

At that point in her life, the only place Marie-Claude could find ideas was not in an Hermes bag, but inside the aortic valve of a freshly slaughtered bull. True, it was messy work, and dangerous, but the ideas were always beautiful and exciting. Anyhow, she was in her dressing room one afternoon, after just slaying a massive bull and removing an idea from its heart (idea: wear bracelets on ankles!), when a man tapped on the door and asked if she was done using her heart. Sensing her confusion, the man explained that he was an American painter who specialized in paintings using the blood from the heart of a freshly slaughtered bull. She giggled and explained to him that this too was the source of her most exciting and beautiful ideas! They then made emphatique, erotique love on the floor. (The painter's love making skills were second only to jazz man Harry Connique Jr., who, Marie-Claude still tells friends, "had a dique that must have been bionique.") She handed the painter the severed bull's heart, but in the process, she had handed her heart to him as well. They've been together ever since. Usually on different continents.

What Lower East Side establishments does Marie-Claude like to frequent?
After chamomile coloniques with Moby at Teany, Marie-Claude's mornings are usually spent at Daredevil Tattoo, where she is paying top dollar to have her vagina made to look exactly like a Louis Vuitton change purse. Then it's usually Punjabi for lunch. However, Marie-Claude is the first to admit that American punjobs are substandard compared to those in France. "French punjobs always have more the touch," she explains. Then, after work, it's usually a stop at Fat Baby for "Le dansepartie avec sucrerie de nez."

Why did she remove her left glove?
"Remove" is not the right word. You see, half of her gloves live in New York, half live in Paris; the righties here, the lefties there. Whichever hand is uncovered tells Marie-Claude what side of the Atlantic she's on. It is a helpful little mnemonique device one picks up when one's husband is a painter.

Anne Altman, Two Can Anne

Marie-Claude met her husband at a bullfight in the south of France. Describe said meeting. What was Marie-Claude wearing, etc.
"I wore my signature coat made from the fur of 101 Dalmatian puppies, a pair of dolphin skin boots, an elephant tusk handbag, and a chic necklace of Kobe beef hot dogs. I was in line for a fois gras smoothie when I spotted my future husband plucking the legs off of a Daddy Long Legs spider with a certain Je ne sais quoi. I found him apathetique to animal mutilation, he found me apathetique to animal mutilation, we started to date, and that is it. Did you know that there are proposals to ban the bullfight worldwide? That is such bull mairde! N'est pas?"

What Lower East Side establishments does Marie-Claude like to frequent?

Anyplace she feels superior making you feel inferior, which is everywhere.

Why did she remove her left glove?

Removing it now makes it easier to bitch slap Three-Stooges-style the unfashionable Americans she passes on the street, which is everyone.

Or, she's simply demonstrating her "Bye, Bye, Bull!' glove:

"I wave my glove at the bull just as the sword is plunged between the clavicles in a final fatal blow, severing its spine and piercing its aorta, rendering it bloody and twitching. C'est magnifique!"

Brandy Barber, writer/comedian/liar

Marie-Claude met her husband at a bullfight in the south of France. Describe said meeting. What was Marie-Claude wearing, etc.

First of all, let us say that there is no better place for a relationship predicated on the French derivative of "sympathy" than at the blood-saturated murder-orgy that IS a bullfight, no? And it was here that the love match between Marie-Claude and unnamed-artiste'-husband was forged. Perchance, he was painting a watercolor out of his own bile when he laid eyes upon a vision in matronly, civil servant-esque suit wear. "My sweet infant of Christ," he may have thought. "Send me that meter maid AT ONCE for me to render on this canvas." And as if she had heard, Marie-Claude scampered over to him (I use the term "scampered" loosely, as her clown shoes seem to me to have been pocketed AFTER she returned the rest of her tuxedo rental to AFTER SIX formals, and may have impeded such movement). She laid her gloved hand upon his swarthy, slightly greasy ex-pat cheek. And in her own personal brand of Bjork-speak, Marie-Claude declared, "The bull's dying is very beautiful. Take off your pants, Uncle Sam." Tres' romantique!

What Lower East Side establishments does Marie-Claire like to frequent?
Well, she's gone off the East Village ever since that awkward incident where she won the Lucky Cheng's Drag Off for her unintentional rendition of Cruella DeVille. And lately, she simply can't walk through the West Village without some Hoboken frat douche loudly yelling out that she bears an uncanny resemblance to Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka in the most recent Charlie & The Chocolate Factory film remix (especially in this photo, I might add). So most of the time, we can find our girl Marie-Claude showing her commitment to performance artistry and "the scene", as she so condescendingly titles it, by lurking on the Bowery. She can be found holed up in a cardboard box out front of the shabby chic Amato Opera house, clutching her alligator-fetus skin Kelly bag full of Dexedrin and the occasional seasonal bottle of Beaujolais, spewing what she thinks might be controversial statements about the laughably poor quality of Chanel's new lip gloss or sniggering at a chubby Iowa tourist who happens to walk by in an obviously fake $5 Times Square pashmina. Oh, and she's super into Teany- they have a RAD brunch.

Why did she remove her left glove?
To use it for swatting at unfortunates.

Look Book

Greg Johnson, comedian

What does Mr. Sulzer Do?
If he's smart he stays home all day and hits that. Nita. Smoking. Totally one of those doctors. Who's like a little foreign, funky accent. His hands are way too cold and no one would EVER want to hear him talk about genetalia OR think about him having sex with Nita. But unforch, both happen very often. Man. Guy weirds me out. Totally loaded though. Prolly makes it rain. Hopefully his first name's Alka. Be right up my alley.

Describe a typical day in the life of Nita Sulzer.
She probably stays in bed and kicks it all day. With a tiny dog. Probably named Lola. Wouldn't be surprised if I was 3 for 3 right there. If she has a job, it's like to shop for furniture or some BS. She's like the wife on ABC's 'Wifeswap' who's the lazy one who's forced to travel to some ranch in Kansas and clean stables all day. She's offended by the strict rules and taxidermy and by day 2 the network already has a ripe half hour of crying footage. Cause she'd rather be back at home whipping the jag and kicking it in the condo. Cause obviously. Man. Her mattress probably cost, like, 20 G's. So good.

What spurred Nita's decision to get Seafrost? Why this year? Why now?
Who even knows? Nita's clearly a very sensual woman. With sensual tastes. All she does is drive jags. I love it. In the article, she's like offended by the thought of her driving something other than a Jag. And she usually gets silvers, but this year she wanted a change. So seafrost it is. Nita. So spontaneous. Meanwhile, seafrost is basically silver. Jesus. End it.

Charles Star, comedian and writer

What does Mr. Sulzer do?
Mr. Sulzer does something boring that requires a suit and a corporate culture that assumes fear = motivation. He surrounds himself with people for whom the phrase "Seafrost Jaguar" suppresses the gag reflex that usually engages when being propositioned by a 68-year-old man.

Describe a typical day in the life of Nita Sulzer.
Nita's day is not much different from Rain Man's. The drive to the mall isn't much farther than the back and forth in the driveway. Otherwise, she watches other people: people playing tennis, people swimming, people cleaning the surfaces of her condo and don't think I don't know how you half-ass it behind the piano because you think I won't check! In the afternoon, she stretches out on the couch, secure in the knowledge that the rent-a-cops are holding off the coloreds.

What spurred Nita's decision to get Seafrost? Why this year? Why now?
With the Democrats taking over Congress in 2006, you just know that the poor are going to start to feel entitled. After years of silver Jags, she needed something to throw her pursuers off the scent. The teal also looks sharp in the condo's carriage house, which is painted "asshole."

Lang Fisher, Comedian and Writer

What does Mr. Sulzer do?
After injuring his back in the high dive competition in the 1956 Melbourne Olympic Games, Mr. Sulzer found himself hell-bent on designing some sort of reclinable chair. With inheritance from his late Uncle Zev's estate, he created the prototype for the first ever Laxy-Man chair. By the late sixties, Laxy-Mans were all the rage. In addition to the flagship store in his hometown of Manhasset, Mr. Sulzer opened three others several miles away in Plandome, Munsey Park, and Plandome Heights. Unfortunately, as Lazy-Boy grew in popularity, Laxy-Man's sales fell. Today, the Manhasset store is the only one still open and three-quarters of its floor space comprise rentable mini-storage units. However, on the upside, Mr. Sulzer still makes $50,000 a shift pushing the condo's poolside scotch fountain.

Describe a typical day in the life of Nita Sulzer.

4:45 AM — Wakes up screaming.
4:46 AM — Checks security camera to make sure SeaFrost is untouched.
4:47 AM — Goes back to sleep.
5:30 AM — Wakes up for real, jumps in tropical waterfall style shower, turns on shower TV to Lawrence Welk, and spins around giggling.
6:00 AM — Walks down to garage and stares at SeaFrost for approximately one hour.
7:00 AM — Makes Bagel Bites pizza sandwiches for breakfast.
8:00 AM — Goes back down to stare at Sea Frost until noon.
12:00 PM — Berates daughter over the phone for being a lesbian.
12:15 PM — Calls SeaFrost's car phone and hangs up.
12:30 PM — Counts the condo's tennis courts ("One, Two, Three")
1:45 PM — Pays local black man to try to break into condo to test condo's security system
2:00 PM — Has local black man arrested for burglary
2:10 PM until NIGHTFALL— Shows SeaFrost old pictures from Mrs. Sulzer's pageant days
NIGHTFALL — Releases real jaguars onto golf course and then drives SeaFrost to run among them.

What spurred Nita's decision to get Seafrost? Why this year? Why now?
The widower, Mr. Horowitz, from condo 12B down the hall has stolen their last four silver jaguars. Each time he's said, "No, it's mine, I've always had this, I just didn't show it to you" and then has crashed the car into the clubhouse. Anyway, ever since his wife was killed on a coral reef, he has had a large aversion to pastels, especially frosty blues, so the Sulzers chose the color accordingly.

Homemaker Nita Sulzer [NYM]

Kate Miltner, Advertising Monkey and Contributor to Childhood Obesity Epidemic

Let's brighten up Chantal for spring. How would you do that?
I would give Chantal a little zig-a-zig-ah. You know, maybe a pink Baby doll dress, or a Sporty new look. She's looking a little Scary right now.

Who is or was Chantal, and what does she have to do with the elderly lady who just called in a very large favor from Carl's father?
Well you see, Carl's father is the dean of admissions at Hofstra, whose admissions policies greatly favor 16-year-olds with little to no self esteem. As Chantal is a Real Woman With Self-Respect (batteries not included), Chantal's granny (the elderly lady) had to call one in.

Are Chantal's eyes smiling or frowning?
Actually, Chantal doesn't have any eyes. She's America's First Blind Model. She's kind of like FDR — only instead of hiding behind the complicity of the American media institution of the 1930s and '40s, she hides behind her art history major and the brim of The Sorting Hat from Harry Potter.

Jack Kukoda, comedian and writer

Let's brighten up Chantal for spring. How would you do that?
Flip up the brim of that floppy hat, add an oversize sunflower, a denim vest, a best friend named Six, and call it springtime.

Who is or was Chantal Adair, and what does she have to do with the elderly lady who just called in a very large favor from Carl's father?
Chantal clearly stole her pseudonym from that William Lashner book. I'm reluctant to criticize her for it, though, since all through college I told people my name was Humble Buttons, one of Faulkner's lesser-known idiot man-childs. Why would I do such a thing? Because I'm unable to differentiate between good attention and bad attention.

Are Chantal's eyes smiling or frowning?

They are smiling, of course. She's a model/art history student, for Christ's sakes. Those usually only exist in the fantasies of grad students and Michael Bay movies. If I were a male model/art history student I'd walk around in a skin tight body sock with Guernica silk-screened on it. And then when people stared at my abs, I'd be all, "You can't appreciate the social context of this piece like I can. I studied slides of it." Then I'd strut on over to F.I.T. and let girls take turns cracking chestnuts on my muscular male model ass.

Dan McCoy, writer/ comedian

Let's brighten up Chantal for spring. How would you do that?
One of Chantal's favorite painters was Kandinsky, who favored swaths of bright colors and energetic lines. So I would have her take her cue from him, and flee the Nazis following the closing of the Bauhaus school. Not having to deal with those fascists should brighten her spring.

Who is or was Chantal, and what does she have to do with the elderly
lady who just called in a very large favor from Carl's father?
Some questions a man knows not to answer, lest a well-directed blackjack engulf him in the sort of inky blackness that's matched only by a black fake fur coat on a black March day. Ultimately, I know one thing to be true: this is the sort of mystery that can only be solved by a grimy, self-deprecating Philadelphia defense attorney with two first names.

Are Chantal's eyes smiling or frowning?
Outwardly, Chantal may seem happy, but she's crying on the inside —literally. Due to an unfortunate glaucoma-tester incident at her last eye exam, her corneas are permanently inward-rotated. She's bravely attempted to overcome this disability via a series of brim-heavy hats, but sadly this is dry cleaning day, and all of Chantal's less suspicious headgear (baseball cap, visor, sombrero) is unavailable, forcing her to don this "fedora-meets-Tom-Petty-top-hat" number.

Look Book: Student Chantal Adair [NYMag]

But first, this note from your editors!

Sorry. On with the show!

Emily Epstein, comedian and writer

What's under that trench coat?
A tie and a poncho sewn by his mother, which is made out of Sam's gargantuan self esteem.

Says Sam, "My advice is, dress to undress, if you know what I mean."
No, I don't know what you mean! Explain!
You simply feel compelled to undress him and then put Sam in some clothes that don't make him look like Bob Dylan's creepy streaking nephew. Then again, maybe he just means that you should wear lots of
zippers (especially on your gloves) and buttons that make undressing easy, entertaining, and much like a striptease for everyone involved.

What does Sam's art look like?
I think it's about the process for Sam. He probably lies in bed for 20 minutes and thinks about the colors he will use before he creates his array of technicolor dreamcoats. His two latest pieces, tentatively
titled, "The Color of Money" and "Only My Mother Understands Me" should be finished in the spring.

Annie Karni, straphangstress

What's under that trench coat?
A medium amount of back hair, a "Hard Rock Caf , Miami" T-shirt, and like eight pounds of jarlsberg cheese from Whole Foods.

Says, Sam, "My advice is, dress to undress, if you know what I
mean." No, I don't know what you mean! Explain!
Well, Intern Alexis, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Sam doesn't know what he means either. We're looking at a man here who admits, "I lay in bed and thinks about my colors." When his girlfriend rips open that trench coat, Sam gets excited thinking about buttoning himself back up. Sam undresses to dress is the cold, hard truth.

What does Sam's art look like?
Found objects. Skulls.

Alec Cumming, GADNY

What's under that trench coat?
Just his birthday suit. This is what he means by white on top, black on bottom, gray in the middle.

I>Says, Sam, "My advice is, dress to undress, if you know what I mean." No, I don't know what you mean! Explain!
That was the joke. It was funny because he has a good sense of humor.

What does Sam's art look like?
I could think up some ridiculous scenario involving a drafty performance-art squat in Crown Heights, a lot of bad hair, and a Colombian colon-dose of coke, but it think it's safe to say "art student," in this case, means "Mommy buys me stuff."

Label-Conscious Art Student Sam Parker [NYMag]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Bennett Madison, Children's Novelist

Describe Vincent's mouth.
Vincent's mouth was designed by his wife for her CORA line of
accessories, which debuts in January. It is made out of felt, cotton
balls, and colorful thread, and is decorated with a "jelly roll" pen.
He's hiding it with his Indian scarf because they are still working on
a marketing strategy for their handcrafted mouths.

What does "class" smell like?
The smell of class is the smell of an anonymous handjob in the
dressing room of DAFFY'S. (DAFFY JO is the name of this scent.)

Vincent is pretty much too good to be true. So what's his fatal flaw?
He has a mangina dentata.

Julie Klausner, Comedian/ Actor/ Writer

Describe Vincent's mouth.
He may as well be wearing an actual red flag around that maw, because
Vincent's mouth is probably a mess. Its Creator probably balled up a
mass of teeth, gums, and tongue and pitched the whole gooey wad
against a brick wall. If he has a goatee, it could have made an
appearance in the old Spy magazine's "Separated at Birth?" feature,
next to Whoopi Goldberg's gooch. Again, this is just speculation.
Maybe it looks like a scarf.

What does "class" smell like?
Prospect Heights, apparently. You know; lattes and soggy diapers. And
mediocrity.

Vincent is pretty much too good to be true. So what's his fatal flaw?
Well, he's married to a milliner. And that's un-ignorable, considering
the history of mental illness in that profession, and their obsessive
affinity for tea (also, see "Prospect Heights). I suspect he must be
as bats as the missus, so it's a good thing they didn't ask him about
his undergarments. This man has an excellent chance of being a moonbat
wearing skivvies made of cold cuts.

Michelle Collins, Comedian and Blogger, BWE.tv

Describe Vincent's mouth.
The mouth of Effie in Dreamgirls after Curtis Taylor Jr. throws
her out of the group and she nearly drinks herself to death. Supple,
pillowy,
glossed... basically, the mouth of screen siren Jennifer Hudson.

What does "class" smell like?
Helmut Lang's taint.

Vincent is pretty much too good to be true. So what's his fatal flaw?
Denial. Skidmarks. And hates assplay.

Shop Manager Vincent Oshin [NYMag]

Colby Chamberlain, Managing Editor, Cabinet Magazine

What sort of "stuff" is Chloe's mom doing with "chains?"
No doubt still chaining herself to the fences outside power plants,
struggling to reconcile her paralegal's salary with her lost ideals,
chanting about solidarity to stop herself from wondering where
everyone else wandered off to.

What do Chloe's Bay Ridge neighbors think of the Deitzes?
The Bay Ridge community would have little objection to the Deitzes if
only they didn't insist on monopolizing three parking spaces with a
rusty VW Wagon, even when they drive everywhere in an SUV. The
outdated bumper stickers on the back fender confuse the passers-by:
Who's this Nader character, and how do you pronounce "Kucinich"?

We love that Chloe rocks boots from Target. What would Chloe design
as a guest designer for Target, like Behnaz Sarafpour and Luella
Bartley?
Judging from the Peace medallion dangling off her right boot, dear
Chloe will be hawking a sensible selection of pashmina shawls and
bandanas woven from hemp. The poor girl: one day she's going to
discover that there are radio stations other than NPR, and the shock
will be something fierce.

Stephen Haskell, Dancer in the Dark

What sort of "stuff" is Chloe's mom doing with "chains"?
She embosses them and makes belts. But when no one else is home, she
takes off her clothes, lies on the floor, and presses the cold metal
against her quivering pussy. She wants Mr. Deitz to chain her to
their organic canopy bed, but when he makes dry love to her each
Sunday night, she never musters the courage to ask.

What do Chloe's Bay Ridge neighbors think of the Deitzes?
The neighbors think the Dietzes are Wikan, but they're just not on the
same cultural or spiritual plane. It's not their fault.

We love that Chloe rocks boots from Target. What would Chloe design
as a guest designer for Target, like Behnaz Sarafpour and Luella
Bartley?
I hope she would make a pencil grip. Something you can hold, think of
her, and squeeeeze.

Alice Wetterlund, supermodel

What sort of "stuff" is Chloe's mom doing with "chains"?
Schilling them in the Union Sqaure Holiday Craft Village/ festooning
her license plate, and, as it would appear, stuffing the boots of her
precocious daughter.

What do Chloe's Bay Ridge neighbors think of the Deitzes?
They think they should pick up their Goddamn front lawn, that's what.
But Mrs. Deitz has a pretty nice ass.

We love that Chloe rocks boots from Target. What would Chloe design
as a guest designer for Target, like Behnaz Sarafpour and Luella
Bartley?
After completing her double major in photography and
nothing-in-particular, Ms. Deitz will go on to create for Target a
line of somber (yet theatrical) skinny jeans and cinched military
pieces that evoke chintzy Parisian street markets and, like, the
history of art, and stuff.

Well, apparently all that outfit picking-out paid off: check out those twins today, on the cover of the New York Times! Unfortunately, Ms. Falcone isn't quoted in the article, so we still don't know how that novel is coming. Lisa, if you're reading this, drop us a line, okay? We're curious to know who's going to be publishing your debut, and whether you're still a vegetarian who wears leather "because it could be killed for meat. Therefore, I'm being an environmentalist."

Lisa Falcone With Daughters Liliana and Carolina [NYMag]
Magical Moments, Tantrums, or a $250 Lullaby [NYT]
Earlier: 'Times': Broadway is For Kids! And Their Molesters!

John Phillips, Trophy Dad
Do you think Wyatt is crazy or androgynous?
It probably depends on what he talked about with his therapist that
day. If it was his pathological, whorish need for media attention, I'd
say crazy. If it was how his father disowned him when he wanted to go
to his high school prom with his friend "Kyle" from "out of town," I'd
say androgynous.

That's quite a backbend.
Well the body can do amazing things when it's not constricted by they
physics of male genitalia.

Apparently, Wyatt was a Teen Vogue intern. How did that go for him?
It was probably like the minor leagues of the fashionista cokehead
scene for him. Now that he's in the big leagues, by the time he's 30
he'll probably have hepatitis and look like Wilford Brimley.

Your thoughts on his most energetic pants?
I'm just glad they're keeping him awake for his art history class,
because there's obviously a veritable frenzy of intellectual activity
going on in his head that will no doubt have a profound impact on the
art history world someday. I hear he's up for a department prize for
his "El Greco: Eschatology and Chiaroscuro" article that was
published in Art Quarterly.

Yelena Elkind, writer

Do you think Wyatt is crazy or androgynous?
Firstly, plently of people are both crazy and androgynous. Having said
that, I think Wyatt is neither crazy nor androgynous. He's just crying
out for attention like one of those cutters or teenage mothers on
Montel Williams.

That's quite a backbend.
Yes, I agree. That is quite a backbend. It really brings out his back-fat.

Apparently, Wyatt was a Teen Vogue intern. How did that go for him?
He probably dazzled over there at Teen Vogue with those outstanding
back-bends. Wyatt is not only too cool for school, he's clearly too
cool for Teen Vogue. Whenever he strutted down the halls of that
office, wearing his funky, color conscious ensembles, on his way to
re-heat that Stouffers dinner-for-one he brought from home, all the
other interns were like "Damn, Wyatt! You go, boy!" They'd suck on
their braces and be like "There goes Wyatt, y'all"

Your thoughts on his most energetic pants?
I've seen far more energetic pants, but not many. I like how the
vertical lines elongate his figure and give the playful impression
that he recently broke out of prison and escaped a lengthy sentence.
Kiddie porn, perhaps? No, no. Wyatt's more of a white-collar criminal.

Marty Tuber, freelance writer

Do you think Wyatt is crazy or androgynous?
Wait, there's a difference? Oh, but I jest — no tits, no package,
it's obviously the latter. Which is actually a kinda crazy.
Crazy-awesome.

That's quite a backbend.
You have no idea! I can't even tell you how many nights I've stayed up
late with Wyatt, doing shots of wheatgrass off his bikram-toned tummy.
Plus, if you let him bend over a bit more, he could stick his head all
the way up his ass.

Apparently, Wyatt was a Teen Vogue intern. How did that go for him?
Hard to say. While his twice-weekly fact-checking stint may have
scored him a press pass to a totally awesome Tribeca screening (and
some free eyebrow threading coupons), he still had to wait in line for
45 minutes to use the john at the afterparty—which, judging by the
Spin photo, he's still rather miffed about. Also, most of the people
at the party were only "students." Lame.

Your thoughts on his most energetic pants?
Since I'm at somewhat of a loss here, I'll defer to Einstein, who, in
Part V of his 1954 collection Ideas and Opinions, states:

"It is customary to express the equivalence of mass and energy (though
somewhat inexactly) by the formula E=mc2, in which c represents the
velocity of light, about 186,000 miles per second. E is the energy
that is contained in a stationary body; m is its mass. The energy that
belongs to the mass m is equal to this mass, multiplied by the square
of the enormous speed of light—which is say, a vast amount of energy
for every unit of mass."

Let's start by noting that Wyatt's big ol' booty clearly adds a
substantial amount of mass (m) to those super-tight trousers. If you
multiply m by the velocity of light (c)—which, as Einstein notes, is
very fast—squared, you'll find that Wyatt's pants are scientifically
proven to be most energetic (E).

Looking at the Look Book: Yoga-Loving Student Wyatt Hough [NYMag]
Earlier: DW and Tasha Gibson are Estimable Dorks

Erica Warnock, Gawker's Map Intern

What else does he have wrapped in plastic in his satchel?
His lost childhood, his dignity and an extra pair of pink shoelaces.

What's a typical interaction between Phillip and Pharrell?
Phillip: Hey dog, you thee what DJ AM wore last night, that thit was tight.
Pharrell: Who are you?

Phillip can't stand Uggs and guys wearing those tight jeans like the
girls are wearing. What else can't he stand?
Rainy days and Mondays

What's Phillip up to in that dirty alley?
That ain't none of your bithneth, yo.

Maura Johnston, associate editor, Idolator

What else does he have wrapped in plastic in his satchel?
A duplicate pair of his tweed Nike kicks, just in case the ones he's
wearing get scuffed.

What's a typical interaction between Phillip and Pharrell?
"Gucci?"
"Prada. Adidas?"
"Nike."
"Word — Bathing Aaaaaape!!!"

Phillip can't stand Uggs and guys wearing those tight jeans like
the girls are wearing. What else can't he stand?
Sale racks, bad highlight jobs, long walks on public beaches.

What's Phillip up to in that dirty alley?
Double-checking that everything he's wearing has at least one logo on it.

Andy Stokan, actor/waiter/cliche

What else does he have wrapped in plastic in his satchel?
Some limited edition Hentai DVDs. A watch with a few more B's in its
name. The new Lady Sovereign CD. A copy of Edith Skinner's "Speak With
Distinction." And an unopened sense of irony.

What's a typical interaction between Phillip and Pharrell?
Phillip: Yo P, what's the deal?
Pharrell: Uh, who are you? And why are you talking like its 1998?
Phillip: It's me, Phillip. I work for ya player.
Pharrell: You do?
Phillip: Yea. What you need from me?
Pharrell: Umm...how bout you go stand in a dark alley for a while.
Phillip: I'm on it bro!

Phillip can't stand Uggs and guys wearing those tight jeans like the girls
are wearing. What else can't he stand?
People who buy his exact outfit from the Gap for half price. Movies where
"dudes be kissin other dudes." Concert T-shirts for concerts you
clearly never went to. And of course, The Man.

What's Phillip up to in that dirty alley?
Looking for his street cred.

Joshua Stein, Gridskipper

What would happen if Alex Kennedy-Grant's hair met Video Look Booker
Fantcha Mendes's hair?
Amy LaRocca's afro fetish is well-known and documented. Both virtuosi, if AKG's cumulus nimbus of hair met Fantcha Mendes' afro (so big she needs a chinstrap) no doubt out-virtuousoizing would take
place, each afro morphing into various forms. AKG's into Slimer, FM's into a dodechohedron. AKG's into a menorah, FM's into the Twin Towers at which decorum would force AKG to submit.

Unzip Alex's zipper. What do you see?
Exactly what you see up top, including a cigarette dangling for the tip. That's what being a dickhead means.

What's a typical day in the life of AKG?
Wake up on your futon to the gentle alarm of the Bose iPod sounddock you're dad bought you upon graduating Wesleyan. Close quickly your MacBook Pro, open at the moment to whatever Suicide Girl you took with you to bed last night. Pick up your ax (always called "my ax") and run through some real fuckin gnarly minor pentatonic shit then move into Mixolydian. Hit up MySpace for an hour. It's noon so turn on the Lopate show while you apply your numerous Bumble and Bumble products in a mirror onto which you've written Love Yourself across the bottom. Move back to your ax, lay down some Phrygian jams. It's around two. Call Dad's secretary to see if Citibank transfer went through. Browse Missed Connections. Hit up MySpace again. Write 5 lines of a 12 bar blues. Decide against grad school after reading the New York Review of Books (too academic), browse the New Yorker (academic-ish) and finally settle on spending the rest of the afternoon reading New York magazine. Oh shit, your picture's in the Look Book. Back to MySpace to post the picture.

Pat Driscoll , jukebox bully

What would happen if Alex Kennedy-Grant's hair met Video Look Booker
Fantcha Mendes's hair?
As their hair meets it will immediately grow at an alarming rate until it has taken over their entire bodies and forms a glorious cave which Madonna will use to hide the rest of her stolen Malawian babies.

Unzip Alex's zipper. What do you see?
Strangely, his chest is completely shaved and adorned with a giant tattoo of Rebecca De Mornay.

What's a typical day in the life of AKG?
Well, he actually has a routine. At night before bed he showers and dresses himself completely for the next day so that when he wakes up he doesn't miss a beat. As he wakes up to his alarm clock, which he has cleverly re-tooled to play only Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music", he lets out an exaggerated yawn which would wake up most of the building if it weren't already noon. He puts on his espresso machine and while it warms up, he watches the last fifteen minutes of "Brewster's Millions" because it inspires him. Following this he trolls MySpace for a few hours and asks a minimum of 15 people to be his friend (he's convinced he can hit 1000 by year's end). He spends the four o' clock hour watching "Oprah," but DVR-ing "Ellen" and at five o'clock it's "Ellen"-time!! Once he feels fulfilled, he leaves his apartment and walks around the East Village. He stops random people, looks at them and says "Eh?" while pointing to his hair. When they don't answer he asks, "pretty crazy, right?" When they respond with indifference, his immediate reflex is to get angry, but instead he retreats to Grey's Papaya where he eats hot dogs and tells himself, "It's okay I'll have 1000 friends be years end and then I'll show them." Then he cries...

Timothy Michael Cooper, Freelance Eater

What would happen if Alex Kennedy-Grant's hair met Video Look Booker
Fantcha Mendes's hair?
I'm not sure, but when I was 8, my dad sat me down and explained to me how Brillo(r) pads are made, and it was basically that.

Unzip Alex's zipper. What do you see?
The same thing you see when you order a Kobe beef steak: rippling layers of pink, unused muscle, richly marbled with snowy veins of pure white fat.

No, obviously he's wearing a pre-owned Adidas zip-up tracksuit, like the younger breakdancer in the music video for Dirty Vegas's "Days Go By." Although the last time Alex pop-locked a headspin, a dozen innocent bystanders got third-degree rug burns. LOL, j/k! Alex has nothing to prove—he's a virtuoso, and he doesn't hide that fact.

What's a typical day in the life of AKG?
9:18 a.m.: Doesn't wake up.

Noon-5:00 p.m.: Gettin' hizzigh. That's right, he actually says it that way.

5:00 p.m.: I'd just like to point out that Alex had been drug-free for over 12 minutes when this picture was taken, so just lay off about the Norma Desmond sunglasses.

5:30 p.m.: At Borders, purchases another periodical that's as "academic-ish" as Wax Poetics, such as the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism or Black Hair (both of which I happen to subscribe to).

7:00 p.m.: Rehearses with the guys. Yes, you can still be a "front
man" even when the other members of your band are Snuffleupagus (on drums) and, when he's available, Falcor, the dragon from The Neverending Story.

10:00 p.m.: Dinner: the uncooked noodles from a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, which aren't half bad when chased with that fluorescent cheese powder and cocaine.

Midnight: Consoles self with fact that even if he is peerless, jobless, label-less, and Product-less, at least he's still a virtuoso. Considers hiding that fact a little less tomorrow.

You kids are in for a treat today. Why? From this week's New York mag, We bring to you a Video Look Book, featuring art student Chrissy Bradley. And the video is essential here, because Chrissy's inflection really completes the Paris-Euro-Cali ensemble that would otherwise look like something straight off the racks at H&M to undiscerning eyes. Chrissy lives in a "gorgeous big loft", believes that "fashion is the artifact of cultuuuuuure" and... oh, we can't do her justice.

After the jump, Intern Alexis gets Elizabeth Thompson, Nick Authenrieth and Gene Smilansky to spill their thoughts.

Elizabeth Thompson, editorial assistant

Chrissy is an art history grad student at NYU. How can she afford a "gorgeous big loft" in Chelsea?
Her Dad owns France, California, stripes, sweaters, jeans and studied disaffection, so Chrissy's rent is like, whatever. She's kind of over it.

Chrissy says she has Jane Birkin hair. What kind of bellybutton lint does she have?
She has Janice from the Muppet Band bellybutton lint.

What, if anything, would you change about Chrissy's style?
Now that she's in the New York Gallery scene, she's going to need a look that's totally contradictory. I'm thinking "cultural redneck" and seeing her in a confederate flag sari — something more Indo-Barfkansas than Euro-Cali-foreigner.

Where'd Chrissy get that rising inflection?
From German Conceptualist Hans Haacke — dude totally lives for doing his hilarious "one time at band camp"-girl-impersonation.

Nick Authenrieth, freelance writer/part-time Lover

Chrissy is an art history grad student at NYU. How can she afford a "gorgeous big loft" in Chelsea?
Chrissy obviously has connections in show business. One needn't look any further than the sweater she borrowed from her uncle Frederick Charles "Freddy" Krueger for proof of her royal Hollywood lineage. When you're down with the "dream master," a lot of doors (specifically those of 'gorgeous big lofts') open up for you.

Chrissy says she has Jane Birkin hair. What kind of bellybutton lint does she have?
Chrissy doesn't have a bellybutton. She is a cyborg who was bio-engineered by the Russian government to be the most medicore woman the world has ever seen. Vans, huh? How nouveau ! Next time you see someone wearing a Jane Birkin wig do a wicked nose-grab on the Champs Elys es , don't worry. It's just Chrissy. However, I imagine her bellybutton lint would look something like Gene Wilder's hair if it were set on fire.

What, if anything, would you change about Chrissy's style?
Chrissy's style could use some work. I'd like to maybe see her in TRUE California meets Paris style. You know, maybe a pair of Birkenstocks and a beret. Or maybe a pair of rollerblades with just a T-shirt that says "Existentialism is life. The rest is just details."

Where'd Chrissy get that rising inflection?
Before NYU, Chrissy briefly attended The Steven Hawking School Of How To Make People Uncomfortable By Speaking. Enough said.

Gene Smilansky, extra fancy

Chrissy is an art history grad student at NYU. How can she afford a "gorgeous big loft" in Chelsea?
Chrissy was recently admitted into a trendy Chelsea co-op for the unapologetically ecumenical. She shares the group's spacious loft with an exclusive cabal of euro-cali-afro-missi-sino-sophisticat-traffic-ninjas. Chrissy is a prostitute.

Chrissy says she has Jane Birkin hair. What kind of bellybutton lint does she have?
Chrissy doesn't have bellybutton lint. She doesn't even have a bellybutton. Both were lost, tragically and prematurely, in a street theater accident too grisly for words.

What, if anything, would you change about Chrissy's style?
Less trash vampire, more Brigitte Bardot. Gawk gawk gawk.

Where'd Chrissy get that rising inflection?
Infection or inflection, hope springs eternal on Chrissy Corner.

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Kevin Lo, Brian Greene, and Henry the Intern to discuss.

Kevin Lo, The Sweet And Lo Down

Where do you see Jeziah and Dakota in 20 years?

Seeing as how people often mistake Dakota for a 40-year-old at age 6, that puts his maturity quotient at a whopping 6.66 (repeating). Ignoring the implications of that figure right there, in 20 years he'll have the gumption of a 173-year-old. It would be wise to befriend him now. And Jeziah? Wharton MBA. He's got that swagger and he can still wear the suits.

What kind of parents produce children such as these? Who are they?

They're probably the kind of parents who would force their son to pursue a career in medicine despite the son's complete disinterest in anything remotely related to the field. Hypothetically, these same
parents would ignore the son's dreams to be a writer and repeatedly remind him of how poor of a writer he is and how crappy he is at writing and how he'll never be a real writer because he... wait, whaa?

What are in their respective right pockets?

If I could see through pants, I would not be here right now. But to hedge bets, Jeziah is sending messages wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile. Dakota's holding a green and yellow gummy worm. It's
squishy.

How much ass do these kids get?

The cousins constantly face an internal dilemma: Is satisfying the ladies worth the onslaught of cooties? That's where the solid regiment of IronKids bread and Flinstones vitamins comes into play. A Barney Rubble a day keeps the herpes at bay.

Brian Greene, writer and TRL slave

Where do you see Jeziah and Dakota in 20 years?

Does Diddy still have umbrella holders? Cause I think they'd be perfect for that. Or maybe porn. They already have great porn names. Jeziah? Come on!

What kind of parents produce children such as these? Who are they?

Actually they look like they could be the love children of Outkast. We've all heard the rumors about Andre 3000... maybe Big Boi swings that way too.

What are in their respective right pockets?

Dakota's got something innocent. Maybe his favorite aggie. Jeziah's definitely playing pocket pool.

How much ass do these kids get?

Well you can't spell classy without "ass." And these kids are nothing if not classy. They're a bit young right now, but in about 8 years, we better hope every pharmacy in the city is stocking Plan B. For now, they'll have to settle for their occasional spankings when they do something naughty. But I have a hunch that they like that. A lot.

Henry the Intern, former Gawker Media wonderboy

Where do you see Jeziah and Dakota in 20 years?

Jeziah enjoys football. I predict he'll star as the title character in a remake of Jerry McGuire. We may "live in a cynical world," but Jeziah will bring down the house with the less famous Tom Cruise line: "I don't like black people? I am Mister black people." I'm not sure about Dakota. He's in the first grade and speaks highly of the Bible. He'll run Run's House.

What kind of parents produce children such as these? Who are they?

Beautiful, smart, wealthy parents, clearly. The kind of parents that have civilized family dinners and treat their children as adults — or, in this case, as mini moguls. The kind of parents who right about now are receiving a call from Pilar Guzman, the editor in chief of Cookie magazine. Yes, Cookie: don't pretend you don't secretly subscribe (cough, cough).

What are in their respective right pockets?

Their right hands and some bling too bright to flash.

How much ass do these kids get?

Ass? Please, these kids are too busy preparing their modeling contracts to represent Sean John. If they're not wearing Unforgivable, I don't know who is.

After the jump, Intern Alexis gathers Molly Worthen, Isaac Kardon and Rus Jude to try and make sense of this crap.

Molly Worthen, public intellectual

What do you think the one in the back that's poking his head to try and be seen is thinking about the other ones?

"I can't believe I used to think I was the only one into airbrushed baseball caps and Kabbalah. EHarmony.com really works!"

Why do you think Eric Jonies is called "Socks"?

"Socks" is short for Socrates. He's the group's aesthetic philosopher.

What would Will Smith think of the Fresh Princes?

Will Smith has the same opinion of the Fresh Princes that Jesus has of the Da Vinci Code. Meaning that he thinks, "Wicked! This will boost my sales!"

If the Fresh Princes claim to embody "geek style" what do members of their rival crew, The Carltons, look like?

They prefer v-necked, cable-knit leotards, hoops of flaming pocket protectors, and zany make-up - it's more of a Cirque Du Soleil approach.

Isaac Kardon, media mogul

What do you think the one in the back that's poking his head to try and be seen is thinking about the other ones?

"Why is Young Money being so dismissive towards me? And Fli Guy? Ever since I refused to omit the "G" at the end of maxin' and relaxin' he acts like he doesn't even KNOW me. I can't believe Socks is wearing my vest."

Why do you think Eric Jonies is called "Socks"?

I think we can reasonably assume that hip-hop/fashion impresario Erick Jonies plays "Socks" as the lovable, goofy, wild-card member of this posse. Cribbing a technique pioneered by visionaries like Michelangelo and Ringo, Socks provides the chuckles while brother Tyquan "Young Money" Jonies tirelessly crunches numbers, Jonathan "Fli Guy" Saunders macks on honeys, and Derron "Ronney Fresh" Bond delivers his rude—but insightful*—assessments of contemporary media. The name itself came from an incident involving slippery floor and some hilarious physical comedy from a shoeless (but stockinged) "Socks".

*Post-VH1-hitting-rock-bottom-with-drugs-and-gambling phase. Before that episode, the guy was much more charming, though less self-aware.

What would Will Smith think of the Fresh Princes?

"These jokers are mixing their metaphors," said Smith, betraying more than a little disgust. "Whereas my bold color combinations and irreverent good nature were a profoundly hopeful symbol of cool for a culturally backward generation, they've gone and flipped my effortless chic into a "geek" parallel universe. Honestly, glasses? And is that David Alan Grier on the right?"

If the Fresh Princes claim to embody "geek style" what do members of their rival crew The Carltons look like?

There's only one left now, and he looks more like a mid-level bureaucrat than anything else. Almost by default, The Carltons have been pushed farther down the geek spectrum than they would like to admit. After gang-related violence claimed three of their charter members, the crew brought a number of bitterly contested intellectual property lawsuits against The Fresh Princes, entirely financed by an incensed Alfonso Ribeiro. The court upheld The Fresh Princes' "Geek Style" trademark, adding legal insult to the fashion injury by further ruling that The Carltons can no longer have any black members.

Rus Jude, purveyor of funny

What do you think the one in the back that's poking his head to try and be seen is thinking about the other ones?

The guy in the back, a.k.a. The Jazzy Jeff Posse of One, is trying to see the new hand signal which designates which clothing style will be appropriated next in order to garner just a little more attention, while maintaining their strong stance on "no substance whatsoever". This particular signal denotes that on Wednesday, after hearing the song "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley for the 3rd time they will put their Cross Colors pants on backwards. "The Fresh Princes" are full of such subtlety.

Why do you think Eric Jonie's is called "Socks"?

Eric Jonies is called "Socks" because on Tuesday, May 8th, 1992 he came into school walked over to the friends he had grown up with and began affecting a Boston accent.

What would Will Smith think of the Fresh Princes?

The Will Smith of 1987 really appreciated these guys. "These guys are fly. It's so obvious. Duh!" The Will of 1997 mourned them. "They are the embodiment of all that is dead and gone". He referred to them as "the hip-hop equivalent of Latin. Their character is as empty as their glasses. Go see Men In Black." The Will Smith of 2006 would say they're "very creative" and "hip-hop". Because by saying this it implies that he himself is still creative and hip-hop.

If the Fresh Princes claim to embody "geek style" what do members of their rival crew The Carltons look like?

The Fresh Princes embody "geek style" in the old sense of the word "geek". When it meant something bad. The Carltons embody the new connotation of "geek", only with a bit of that unmistakable charm of that genius foil. They don't "walk" anywhere, this gang of six travel to their powerful technology positions via the classic Carlton dance. They have graduated from the Cosby sweaters and Ivy League colleges and gained steam toward retribution for the girls they didn't get. They live a life of power, and righteous unhappiness while hating and needing everything they have. They imbibe large quantities of cocaine and sadness. And collectively now own Gawker.