ARE YOU ALL FUCKING RETARDED!!!!1111

I apologize. Let me regain my composure.

The man on the left side is clearly an aging sex addict, while Bernie Madoff is an aged Jew. Let me elaborate on why the picture on the left could not possibly be, under any circumstances, Bernie Madoff:

1) Chin/Jowl structure. Bernie looks like a sad old cartoon bulldog in any picture taken in the last ten years. Our man on the left has a clean chin and no cheek jowls to obliterate the clear line up to his ear, probably the work of a good surgeon.

2) Noses. They have similar noses, both have a pronounced arch. However, it is clearly observable that the nose of the man on the left is much bigger and more pointed on the end. This would have actually taken plastic surgery to fix, which, by looking at any picture of Madoff recently, we can know that he has never had.

3) Eyes. The man on the left has sharp angles all round his eyes, whereas Madoff's entire eye socket is in a different position on his face and also far more rounded. This is to me the clearest evidence that they are not the same.

4) Musculature. The man on the left, despite the shoulder pads in his coat, clearly works out on a regular basis, and has the body of a fit 40 something year old. Madoff is far later along in his life, and in his natural stance his shoulders would never be thrown so far back.

Finally, and as the most damning thing I can say against Gawker's sloppy reporting, I want to point out that Bernie Madoff accumulated his billions by cultivating an image of a reclusive intellect, the sort of man you had to pursue through country clubs and in high society. He was well known in every important Jewish-American circle, and we all know Jews are a conservative bunch. Under no circumstances would someone like that dress up like a cheap pimp. That is amateur hour bullshit, the sort of thing you'd expect from a realtor, or a frat boy.

Please, I beseech the Gawker staff to imagine a situation in which Bernie Madoff would dress up like a pimp. Obviously, you cannot.

Ryan, I like you, but seriously why the fuck is this on the front page? You should be able to figure this out on your own. It's not him, don't be a fucko, get rid of this article immediately or you should actually lose your job.

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