• Heidi and Spencer are taking their clown show to the Miss Universe Pageant, where Heidi is supposed to perform some horrible song horribly and Spencer is just being an enormous ass, as is his usual proclivity. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sting's daughter claims that her father knows nothing about tantric sex and that the whole rumor about his sexual prowess was a gag perpetrated by Bob Geldof. In other news, there's something uniquely creepy about a daughter discussing her father's sexual prowess. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Oh for Christ's sake! Just in time for the start of the NFL season, Kim Kardashian, the ample-assed Armenian succubus, is in New Orleans trying to win Reggie Bush back. Beautiful, just freaking beautiful. Geaux Saints! [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is still doing everything in her power to kill herself. She recently went on a 48-hour bender and The Sun has some ridiculous photos of Wino with white powder all over her face and a severely burnt finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Phil Spector is whining and crying about being in prison while his 29-year-old girlfriend smuggles him food in during her visits so he doesn't have to eat in the mess hall with all the animals. [Page Six]
  
  
• A 22-year-old model has filed a lawsuit against David Copperfield claiming that he sexually assaulted her in the Bahamas two years ago. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jason Schwartzman secretly married a clothing designer named Brady Cunningham at his home in California recently. [Daily News]
  
  
• Marc Jacobs is planning to marry his Brazilian boyfriend Lorenzo Martone this weekend in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Apparently, no one is invited, but there will be an afterparty at some point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Martin has revealed the one-year-old twin boys that he had through a surrogate mother last year by taking them to the beach and posting photos on Twitter. And no, he's still not out of the closet. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Okay here's a news flash: Paula Abdul will not be returning as a judge on American Idol. Again. So can we all just move on with our lives now? [Page Six]

• Kanye West was charged with three criminal misdemeanors, including battery, for smashing a paparazzo's camera at Los Angeles International Airport. He's got to love that TMZ video will probably help convict him. [Gatecrasher]
• The Heath Ledger-directed animated music video for Modest Mouse's "King Rat" will be released later this year, the band said. [Us]
  
• How do you get your publicist to fire you, then brag to a gossip page about it? For Vin Diesel the trick was to flake on a day-long press junket for Fast & Furious 4. [P6]
  
• Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone, his boyfriend and rumored fiancé, put a $13 million West Village townhouse under contract. Leave it to a fashion designer to know when to pounce on the best sales. [P6]
  
• MFA student James Franco is getting mobbed outside of his Columbia lectures. As if that's not bad enough, the university considers him and his career beneath comment. [P6]

Reports WWD:

Marc Jacobs and Lorenzo Martone are engaged. The designer and his ad executive boyfriend, who have been together for about a year, will go public with the news beginning Thursday, when they arrive in Brazil wearing rings.

Jacobs has been getting engaged in the press since at least fall 2007, when the designer was rumored betrothed to rent-boy Jason Preston. The duo were again said engaged in March 2008.

Then last summer came rumors Jacobs would wed his current love Martone, a Brazilian advertising executive.

Jacobs may well be convinced that this time it's for real; he seems the most likely source for WWD's unattributed, voice-of-God item. But we'll just see if his conviction holds up once he realizes that actually getting married means you have to stop announcing to people that you're getting married.

UPDATE: Page Six reports the couple just put a $13 million West Village contract under contract.