Morgan hangs out for a bit with the "Last Crack Hipster," a 30 year-old L.E.S. graffiti writer (this piece originally said he's in the Disco Vandals crew, but that line seems to have been deleted now) who somehow got convinced crack was the last transgressive drug, after yuppies claimed coke and heroin got passé. He's convince crack's not as bad as it's made out to be; then again, he's a crackhead. Let's hope this is the last crack hipster. Jesus.

When you're smoking crack, ideally you want to keep the flame on the crack and away from the Chore Boy: You want the rock to heat up and cook down into it. It starts to melt and then it slides down and that's when you go boom and level it out so it stays right at the screen. It's right there bubbling and you're not sucking like a cigarette or a joint; you're basically like inhaling as little as you can. You just want to direct the flow into your mouth; you don't want to suck the liquid down. Once the burning crack passes through the Chore Boy, it smokes as it cools. That's the smoke that you want. Most people don't seem to get that. It looks like the crack is gone, but you can kind of see it in there, in the Chore Boy, ideally it sits there and bubbles. The brown juice that drips down and looks like a film of motor oil on the side of the glass is the crack rock's sweet nectar.

The crack hipsters obviously missed the lesson of hip hop, which is that Crack is Wack. Thank you. This is a great, stomach-churning piece of crack journalism. CRACK, UGH, god, go straight to hell, collect $200 and spend it on crack. Read it.
[Pic: caruba]

If you are really familiar with what the fuck is up then you know that Aaron "A-Ron" Bondaroff is a downtown LES cool guy for hire, founder of the aNYthing brand, and generally, you know, the man with the brand that is downtown, and all that, once upon a time.

Anyhow: His store's having zine night tomorrow! Bring your zines and the store will sell them on commission! And there's a sort of, uh, hip hop promo video, that you can watch. An endearingly DIY anti-corporate grassroots arts and media movement? Or just more pretentious crapola? We have no idea what to think.

Do bring your zines though!

"Slapdash and haphazard renovations have led to the destruction of architectural detail, while modern additions to historic buildings sharply contrast with the neighborhood's scale and character. In 2007, permits were approved for the full demolition of 11 buildings on the Lower East Side, compared with just one in 2006. These developments, among others, signify the quickening erasure of the neighborhood's architectural and socio-cultural fabric...

A melting pot of cultures and nationalities, the Lower East Side remains central to the social history of the United States. Its preservation of 19th and early 20th century properties convey the story of immigrant home, health, entrepreneurship, labor, education and recreational life in New York City."

Well, at least the character of the neighborhood will be forever preserved on Grand Theft Auto IV. And on the plus side, the Bowery Boys have really calmed down lately.

[via Curbed]

(This all plays into a pet theory: It's like the cast of characters that make New York interesting—Kenny Shopsin a prince among them—are constantly being called upon to reinforce faltering areas and retreating from hopeless ones. It's the strategy of a losing army. So the Lower East Side is richer for Kenny Shopsin and the West Village happy but poorer without him.)

Anyway. This isn't a knock on Market Table. Of the Bedford Street restaurant row, it is by far the best. Barfry is a bowling alley to its ballroom. Blue Ribbon bakery, though it's been there forever, can only look on in envy at what Market Table has done and think to itself, "Whoa, that is like a better us!" (That's how I feel when I look at Seth Meyers.)

The times I've visited Market Table, the food has been nicely done. There's also Yuengling which, as a Philadelphia boy, warms my heart. The crab cake sandwiches are, according to a Washingtonian friend with whom I ate, Chesapeake quality. Ed Levine calls their lunch hoagie one of the best in the city. The swordfish steak, on a bed of corn, avocado and greens, really showcases Price's ability to coax the best out of a fish.

The check comes in music books. One time I got a Marvin Gaye bio. The other night, my dinner for one (not sad, I had a book) came to $60, The check was tucked into the page of John Szwed's So What: The Life of Miles Davis. It was on page 269, at which point Miles Davis is roaming through the flash and funk boutiques of the West Village, high out of his mind. Would he have preferred Kenny Shopsin's blisters on my sisters to Mikey Price's apple and fennel salad?

The brothel was in the back of the Robo-Pong Training Center, a ping-pong parlor at 39 Eldridge Street. Of course it was. But were the kids shocked/

"'It doesn't surprise me. There are guys handing out cards with naked girls on them all the time around here,' said Ivy Lee, a senior at Pace HS."

As near as we can tell, the whole neighborhood is a hotbed of secret vice. Above, courtesy of Google, see the hot-and-heavy photos of the action on 40 Eldridge. Mrow!

One stunned onlooker told us, "All these cops busted in, and they were searching people. They lined people up near the bathroom and started going through their stuff. Nobody seemed to understand what was going on."

Cops Raid Downtown Hot Spot [Page Six]
Police Raid The Box [Eater]

The burger, by the way, adds nothing to the burgeoning Lower East Side burger environment. It's okay but we'd rather make the trek down to Good World or Mogador even in this frigid August.

Then a guy comes up to the bar, a guy like virtually all the other guys there (and they were virtually all guys). Not really a bro or worse, a brah, not prima facie a douche, neither hipster nor litster. "Hey bartender," he said, "got any PBR?" The bartender dressed him down with a single scornful glance. "Just kidding, man!"

"How many months has this Hitachino Nest Ale been aged? Because I only like beers aged for 3 months or so," he said, clearly showing off for his somewhat dour date. The bartender shot back a vacant and mildly loathing look: "I'll have to check with my co-worker."

All night the bartender parried orders and obscure questions from ale enthusiasts who took great pleasure in quizzing him. Some were showing off for the few women there; some were genuinely just beer dorks. This, it might be added, took place at 10 p.m. on a school night. Imagine a Saturday night.

DJ Goias explains

"One night [earlier in the summer] we were sitting on that bench together and I said, 'Yo, this is the best club in New York...you know, because you have to go to a stupid club party, like, 'Oh, it's Jessica's birthday party tonight, I promised I would say hi,' or 'So-and-so is D.J.-ing, I told them I would swing by.' But then it was like, sitting on this corner, we see all of the people that we would've seen if we went to those stupid places that we hate, and we could talk and smoke and fuck this, this is the shit right here. We were like, 'Yo, wouldn't it be funny if we made a flyer?...It's almost like an art project/marketing thing...Like, I can make nothing at all the hot shit. We can take nothing at all and look like, 'Ah-ha, we made you come to a street corner!'

[Photo: Emily Byran/NYO]

From the mailbag:

"Today is my birthday and I woke up to a giant loser's face on an advert covering the entire side of an Orchard St. building in my neighborhood. I live on Ludlow Street between Stanton and Houston facing the empty lot, also across from Pink Pony, Dare Devil tattoo. On the advert it says, "Woodbridge City Mall - Coming in 2008." ....I feel sick. what a horrible birthday present.

A woman in black blocked my way. Her headset clung to her hair like a baby chimp on its mother's back.

"You can't go in here," she said.

"But, but," I panted, "I'm escaping the not-terrorist attacks!"

"It's a set, you idiot," she replied, her voice taking on a maternal scorn.

"Oh," I answered, relieved.

"I don't know, I think the movie is called 'Cheese.'"

So we figure it's just JJ Abrams, destroying New York for his new movie. Also the Lower East Side smells like 9/11 now! Great, thanks for that.

Previously: JJ Abrams Is Next To Blow Up New York

We asked a slightly more observant Jew to translate the lines. She in turn asked an even more Jewier Jew who, finally, asked the Jewiest type of Jew, a rabbi, for clarification. Word from on high is that the place was a Chevra Kadisha. The Chevra Kadisha is the religious group that cleans and washes the dead before burial. They also were responsible, largely, for waiting with the corpse before burial to guard against theft. This is one of the biggest mitzvot one can perform. (That and pretending not to be disgusted by the crumbly lips of your grandmother.)

All this means that one point in time, not too long ago, Chickie Pig's was filled with deceased Jewry. Now it's just filled with prosciutto and drunken overflow from neighborhood bars.

The Observer's Chris Shott reports:

The 500-square-foot alleged bogus-license boutique remains locked up behind steel shutters, pending a hearing on June 28. But don't be surprised if a "for rent" sign appears outside the spray-painted storefront in coming weeks.

Outraged, we sent Wayne, our Virtual Lower East Side correspondent, to canvass the virtual populace of Vice's bad Second Life rip-off.

Hey skeezers! Long time no see. So I'm a little lonely in here. I've been wandering around in this perpetual dusk for a couple of days now and haven't seen that many bros or dudettes. Today I caught sight of mad peeps dancing but upon further inspection they were all robots. Gnarly! I even saw a dude passed out on the street in front of Arlene's but he was just [bum192], a drone. I was personally bummed to hear Tattoo Heaven Smoke Shop (TatHev, we call it). I remember when I first moved to New York and I got a fake ID from there. It said I was from "New Hamshire" and it worked for two years until some fucking bouncer at the Cooler confiscated it at a Pixeltan show. He was from that state and knew there was a P somewhere in there.

Finally I ran into Thalia who seemed to run away from me a couple of times before I cornered her between a payphone booth and a shuttered deli.

Wayne: hello
Wayne: hey!
Wayne: thalia!
Wayne: comeback!
Wayne: hey!
t h a l i a: hey
t h a l i a: what's going on
Wayne: not much. i have a question for you
t h a l i a: ok
Wayne: do you know where a guy can get a fake ID around here? i'm only 19 and I want to get wasted!
t h a l i a: um, i'm far from being 19 these days
Wayne: how old are you? i mean if you care to answer
Wayne: you kind of look like your early 20s!
t h a l i a: ya thanks?
Wayne: Anyway, I just read that they shut down this fake ID place over on 2nd Street
t h a l i a: my profile says 106
t h a l i a: i beleieve
Wayne: what do you think about that? Is the LES losing its character?
t h a l i a: (i'm a typing genius by the way)
t h a l i a: this sounds like an interview
t h a l i a: losing its character? have you seen the condos going up?
Wayne: this kind of IS an interview
t h a l i a: cool, gotta run. talk again soon.
Wayne: bye?

Rackets Doom Lower East Side/East Village Retail [NYO]