Madonna Reinvents Herself as Boring Homewrecker, Moans Times

Sad A-Rod Hangs With Mom, In The Club

• Madonna did not show up to her alleged lover/disciple Alex Rodriguez's All-Star party, nor did his bitter teammates, so he hung out alone in the club with his mom and two "kabbalah buddies," including a woman spotted leaving his house the next day.
• Page Six detailed all the lies noted liar (and animal-hating monster) Paris Hilton has told them, although you never with the Post, really. One of the more bizarre ones is that Hilton smoked marijuana in front of Page Six staff and then promised to take a drug test, but never did. [P6]
• CNN's Washington, DC assignment editor is on the cover of Muscular Development, a magazine featuring guys with obscenely large muscles, and with a website hawking all kinds of, uh, "supplements." Fox News Channel's buddies at the Post think this makes him a "CABLE BULLY." [P6]
• A cat named Anderson Pooper was just named "Best In Show" on Daily Paws. And he's silver! [OMG]
• Lauren Conrad fails to bring dog to bitchfest, ends up crying and somehow flaking. [Emily Brill]
• It's not so much that Jesse Jackson thinks Barack Obama is "talking down to black people" when the presidential candidate tells black men to take responsibility for their children. It's that he thinks Obama is talking down to him, says the mother of Jackson's love child. [Enquirer]
• Cityfile, which profiles Gotham's rich and famous, is trying to take pictures of wealthy people coming in and out of their fancy apartment towers, and is getting harassed by goons and hangers-on. Genius. [P6]
• NBC Universal is eyeing new offices at 7 World Trade Center and 11 Times Square, a total of roughly 500,000 square feet. [Observer]
• Tatum O'Neal's crack dealer feels abandoned. And that's a bad thing? [Enquirer]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were maybe going to name their baby boy Rex Leon? But didn't? And an embroidered play matt somehow proves that? Something like that. [R&M]
• Lord Of The Rings director Peter Jackson probably just bought a Tribeca duplex fo $17 million. [Observer]
• OK! magazine is finally showing those Jessica Alba pictures it paid so much for! Actually, $1.5 million is a bargain these days. [Sun]
• Michael J. Fox will return to TV for four episodes of Rescue Me. [Us]

Jay Leno Hints At ABC Gig

• Jay Leno, on an erroneous magazine cutline reading "Host of The Tonight Show on ABC:" "It's like a headline from the future." [Deadline Hollywood]
• The bidding between People and OK! for exclusive pictures of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins now stands at $11 million to $12 million. Couldn't this have been taken care of previously? Or did everyone need to see how cute they were before bidding? [R&M]
• Pitt and Jolie decided the nice folks at their local newspaper in France, the 280,000-circulation Nice-Matin, should get the first news about their twins, including name, weight and gender and Pitt's first words after the birth. The paper created a special magazine insert for the occasion. [AP]
• Either Madonna has a five-point plan for saving her marriage to Guy Ritchie (including that Madonna can only work out three hours a day instead of four), or she's exploiting her rumored dalliance with Alex Rodriguez to drum up publicity for her upcoming concert tour, including by cheering the Yankees slugger at an All-Star game today. Or both!
• As reported previously, actor Josh Brolin took his role in the Bush biopic W a bit too seriously and got into a bar fight. Not reported previously: It might have been because someone used a racial slur against his co-star, who plays Colin Powell. [R&M]

Bonnie Fuller, Madonna Truther

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Paris Hilton Sober As A Pregnant Woman

• According to this one "firsthand, regular and up-close" source, Paris Hilton stopped drinking, because maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she's just trying to get attention because she's jealous of Nicole Richie and her baby. [E!]
• Reggie Jackson, haggling with an artist over price: "Are you Jewish?" [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan clothing line includes "Mr. President" kneepads! [Rod Townsend]
• After getting taunted with Madonna's picture by opposing fans at a game and slammed in the press even for his charity work, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez re-hired agent Scott Boras, the longtime rep Rodriguez dumped for Madonna's manager when a Yankees contract negotiation hit problems.
• In some movie, Kate Hudson will play a Vogue journalist who "gets a sexy dance" with Daniel Day Lewis. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell complained the press doesn't cover the wonderfully nice things she does when not bludgeoning assistants with cell phones or getting arrested for assaulting airport police. The Insider obliged with a picture of her visiting a children's hospital in Nigeria.
• Ethan Hawke, 37, confirmed a secret marriage to his 28-year-old former nanny. She was hired by his prior wife, Uma Thurman. [Mail]
• "Jay-Z Demands Watermelon Carved in Shape of Beyonce's Breasts" sounds entirely plausible and not at all fabricated. [Showbiz Spy]

French Delay Jolie Birth To Prove They Can

• Angelina Jolie wants to give birth, already, and leave the hospital like a tough American patriot. But her lazy, arrogant French doctors will make her wait in agony for three more days so they can celebrate cutting off rich people's heads like communists and probably also so they can fornicate with their unbathed mistresses, get drunk and fantasize about terrorism. See what happens under socialized medicine? Celebrity divas are grossly inconvenienced! Awesome, right? [Showbiz Spy]
• Former Clinton dreamboat, current ABC News pundit George Stephanopolous was stopped and asked for press credentials by a Barack Obama aide. Ostensibly because he was unshaven and in short sleeves, but really maybe because of his terrible debate questions. [P6]
• Madonna's estranged brother claimed she almost had a baby with basketball star Dennis Rodman and that she hangs in view of her kids a photo of her "in S&M gear and lying on a bed with dead animals." Baseball star Jose Conseco claimed she begged him to impregnate her so she could have another Cuban child.
• Meanwhile, since Madonna keeps denying that she had a thing with slugger Alex Rodriguez, Rodriguez's wife is threatening to release some salacious text messages. [Sun]
• Jamie-Lynn Spears, who just gave birth, "has a well-known affinity for soda and Cheetos." As opposed to the rest of America, which leaves these strange food products languishing in obscurity. [P6]

Arden Wohl Targets Ralph Lauren For Defacement, Theft

• Alterna-socialite Arden Wohl was arrested for writing "Ralphy Lipshits" on the front of a Ralph Lauren boutique in lipstick. That's a variation on the designer's real name of "Ralph Lipschitz" and a dumb thing to do while wearing a headband (which, face it, she almost certainly was), which is probably the clue that allowed police to track Wohl down after she made her drawing. Oh, she also stole some miniature American flags. [P6]
• Ex-Eliot Spitzer hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre goes to the Waverly Inn because it's classy. (No one tries to touch or talk to her there, they strictly ogle.) [P6]
• Leonardo DiCaprio, who campaigned against wasteful junk mail, on account of the environment, is now sending out wasteful junk mail mail pitches, on account of the environment. [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston got upset because boyfriend John Mayer's ex Jessica Simpson sent very well-written love letters, and Mayer still saves them. Or not, because the not-at-all-clingy actress is denying the whole thing. [P6]
• In an upcoming video for Madonna's tour, Britney Spears will pretend to be a screaming, hair-pulling crazy person, while Madonna will pretend to be a randy bisexual with a thing for Spears. An acting tour de force, in other words. [Sun]

Kravitz Believes He Was Smeared

• Lenny Kravitz thinks the rumor about him having an affair with the wife of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez originated with his conniving, now-fired manager. A furious Madonna, meanwhile, is trying to muzzle the same wife's lawyer for insinuating she had "an affair of the heart" with Alex.
• Two women came forward to talk about their affairs with Rodriguez, and someone else claimed he wore a fake moustache to cheating spots so as not to be recognized. And to look extra sexy. [Daily News]
• Kirsten Dunst totally hooked up with the DJ at Beatrice. ZOMG. [P6]
• Publicity monster Lizzie Grubman is expanding into management, to make more money. Twenty percent off the top! [Post]
• The new editor of Art In America is so gauche. Not only is he redecorating with "garish pop colors," but also with a sculpture of some rapper. Or maybe the whole thing is a statement? (There goes my shot at blogging for Art In America.) [P6]
• This Yankees announcer either has really gross food habits or, more likely, he pissed of Page Six and they couldn't find any real dirt. [P6]
• The Jimi Hendrix sex tape has been proven real, according to the co-chairman of porn purveyor Vivid Entertainment, because no one could prove it was a fake, despite a cash prize and everything. The woman who "authenticated" it is getting a cut of the profits when the $40 video comes out in the near future. Word on the street is that Lenny Kravitz is behind the whole scheme. Such a troublemaker. [R&M]

Open Your Chart To Me: Madonna's Many Loves

Blake Lively Pissed At Seventeen By Proxy

• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively — woops, sorry, her people, since she refuses to even look at it or something — is/are supposedly pissed at Seventeen over how she looks on the cover, because it looks nothing like her (too distinctive/memorable? Not bland enough??). They love her Vanity Fair and Cosmo covers, though. [Post]
• Lawyers for the wife of Yankees star Alex Rodriguez say Madonna contributed to the break-up of the Rodriguez's marriage, without going so far as to say Madonna and Alex Rodriguez had sex. They don't really need to prove that, since Rodriguez allegedly had many other affairs. Madonna, you'll recall, has denied any affair, as well as her alleged impending divorce from Guy Ritchie. It's possible they just had some kind of weird Kabbalah thing going on. [Sun]
• The Times ran a story on the University of Pennsylvania controversially naming a building after former Page Six editor Claudia Cohen, so now Page Six claims Cohen's many friends "are furious" over the item, and the gossip section is calling the Times story a "smear," since that's the official, empty News Corp. countercharge of the week. [Post]
• Sam Ronson gave Lindsay Lohan a $22,000 ring for her 22nd birthday, because she loves her THAT MUCH. [Showbiz Spy]
• Drew Barrymore broke up with her boyfriend Justin Long, the "Mac" character in those obnoxious Apple Mac vs. PC ads. [People]
• HBO is suing Boston club promoters who, by pretending to be execs at the cable network, got competitors to shut down their Sex And The City parties. Sadly, it's too late for the rest of us to take notes on these innovative, SATC-deflating tactics. [Post]
• Sad Broadway scion Eric Nederlander is not only on his way to his second speedy divorce but also owes $220,000 in back taxes and faces his third lien since 2002. [Post]

Billion-Dollar Babies In Love

• The daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel, Courtenay, is dating the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune, Casey. Semel used to date Lindsay Lohan, Johnson used to date a dude, until he was "snatched" away by her aunt. [P6]
• Guy Ritchie was seen repeatedly drinking alone in his pub, listening to a folk guitarist, so everyone assumed his divorce with Madonna was about to finally happen. There was something about her kissing Gwyneth Paltrow. Then the pop starlet issued a big massive denial of the divorce, and her affair with A-Rod, and everything. No one's really sure whether to believe her.
• Eliot Spitzer hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupre is no longer suing Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis for distributing racy footage shot when she was 17. It is time to "focus on the positive" ways to exploit being a famous call girl. [Post]
• A former staffer for celebrity TV chef Rachael Ray said he was harassed for being anorexic. OK, so I suppose there is at least one bad reason to decline to eat Rachael Ray's food. [Post]
• Once-pregnant transexual man Thomas Beatie gave birth to a healthy baby girl without a c-section. [ABC News]
• There are threats of a Friends movie. Sex And The City is, of course, responsible for this travesty. [P6]

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