Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

• Russell Brand's Hampstead home is on the market for £2.5 million, which, if my rudimentary math skills serve, is about $4.2 million. The "dramatic and stylish" three-bedroom home features a landscaped garden and "wheely bins round the back," whatever that means. (Was it a sex joke?) The real question: Is he selling it so he can move in with Katy Perry in LA? And if so: Is there any way we can stop him from invading our country? [3AM]
• 
  
• With regards to his eponymous relationship with Taylor Swift, Taylor Lautner says "it's weird calling somebody your name," which sounds about right. [OK]
• 
  
• Madonna still denies she going to Brazil to meet boytoy Jesus Luz's mother, saying "I am going there strictly for fund raising and humanitarian purposes." Honey, if you refer to visits with your future mother-in-law a humanitarian mission, you are never going to win her over. [P6]
• 
  
• Jon Gosselin will countersue TLC for $5 million, proving yet again that shamelessness is not a terrible financial strategy. [Radar]
• 
  
• Speaking of the financial value of shamelessness: Accused Letterman blackmailer Joe Halderman is asking friends and co-workers to contribute to his legal fund. He's got $50K so far, needs at least $200K, and would have had $2 million if only that old perv had coughed up the dough and kept his mouth shut. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Page Six has more on Jho Low, the mysterious Malaysian club king that everyone is talking about, but nobody will really dish on. Apparently Low "is a golden goose for nightclub owners, who are fiercely protecting his privacy." He regularly runs up six-figure Cristal tabs, and the decor for his 28th birthday at Caesars Palace included "bikini-clad party girls" and "caged lions and tigers." [P6]
• 
  
• Demi Moore looks insanely hot (albeit a touch anorexic) on the cover of W. She discusses being a cougar in the accompanying article: "I'd prefer to be called a puma," Ashton may be young but they have a "deep and old connection." Whatever, cradle robber. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Sir Ian McKellen advocates the destruction of property in the fight for gay rights, saying the choice of whether to write a letter to your congressman or "go and break windows" is really a personal one. [P6]
• 
  
• Pamela Anderson is getting picky about the lighting she is photographed in, insisting on shadow-free ring flashes at a recent event in Miami. She's the Blanche Dubois of silicone-bolstered soft-core porn. [P6]
• 
  
• Robert Pattinson has raunchy B.O. Apparently there is an air of "bad personal hygiene hanging around him like the hum of four-day-old fish carcass from the kitchen bin," according to 3AM, which is officially my new favorite gossip source. The fetid actor admitted, "I dont know, my personal hygiene—it's so disgusting!" It is so depressing when teen heartthrobs are as clueless and gross as regular teens. [3AM]

• Chris Brown and Rihanna are doing the media equivalent of having a shouting match in the street. Except that in this instance they stop occasionally to tell passers-by that they have albums out soon, and that they're very reasonably priced and contain many excellent tracks. Brown, who doubtless didn't want to miss a publicity opportunity as great as beating the piss out of his girlfriend, has taped a 30-minute segment for MTV which will air tomorrow: the same day as Rihanna goes on 20/20 and after her two-parter with Diane Sawyer on ABC that starts today. He said the following, with a bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure:

  My thoughts is like, ‘Why did it happen?', like ‘What was I thinking?', ‘What is wrong with you?'

  In totally unrelated news, probably, his album - which I am deliberately not naming - has been pushed up a week and will now be released at the start of December. Her album is out two weeks before. [NYDN]

• Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have canceled their fight to the death at Radio City. The two men, who were slated to hit each other with chairs while screaming obscenities, have apparently claimed that the promoter over-hyped it as a "death-match faceoff." "This event ... was supposed to be a discussion between the two former presidents, and has been cancelled because it was not being billed as such by an overeager promoter," said Clinton spokesman Matt McKenna. Yes Matt, but were they going to wear spandex? What song was Clinton going to shadow-box his way out to the ring to? Was Hillary going to wear a bikini? [NY Post]
• Carrie Prejean's pastor is willing to forgive her for (allegedly) making a sex tape, says TMZ who clearly are not building up to releasing said sex tape. In opposite world. Pastor Darren Carrington from The Rock Church in San Diego told the site that "everyone is a work in progress." Let us know when she's done. [TMZ]
• Look, midgets are just funny OK? I know it's not nice to say, but it's true. Hence the popularity of Willow. Which is why the story about Verne 'Mini-Me' Troyer threatening to pop a cap in his ex-girlfriend's ass, according to a restraining order TMZ got, is amusing even though it features much personal tragedy. Sorry. [TMZ]
• Todd English, jilter of brides, ran away from photographers at Mr. Chow's 30th anniversary party. Wouldn't you? [P6]
• The News and the Post are gossip-arguing! Page Six says Madonna is supporting boyfriend Jesus Luz's DJ career and turned up to a party at the Standard to grind on the dancefloor. "She's been taking a more active role in promoting him," said someone described as "a spy." The News says, after a brief interview with Luz, that Madge isn't collaborating with him and that he didn't play any of her songs that night anyway. In keeping with today's theme: I demand a deathmatch between Neel Shah on P6 and whoever runs Gatecrasher these days. [P6, NYDN]
• More fighting! David Hasselhoff really does do drunk better than anyone. It seems like only yesterday since his last spectacular fall off the wagon. This week's effort is a humdinger (yes, I just wanted to use the word humdinger): he's been getting shitfaced and fighting with an old person in a Canadian casino. Three security guards had to step in and escort Michael Knight from the building. The best part? He was apparently back a few hours later. What? He got thirsty OK? [TMZ]
• Nicole Kidman don't tweet! Because: "if you know what is going on inside somebody's head all the time, that's not a good place." Perhaps her insight into the mind of Tom Cruise scarred her for life. [TMZ]

[Image via Getty]

The interesting thing about this is that Saturday Night Live by no means has to edit the episode to contain the rehearsal footage skit; they could've just run the same episode and be fine. You have to wonder where along the chain of command someone said "run the funnier version." But why couldn't they have just performed it the first time?

Eh. SNL disappointment shouldn't come as a surprise to many, but the fact that they hold back on the good stuff is just depressing. Then again, it's nice to know they're making an effort to put it out there. Here's hoping they can add some pizazz to a fairly blase November schedule.

Boo. Celebrities, no one's about to save you from the beast that's gonna strike. Which is me.

• Well, well, well. What do we have today for you guys? Only the most royally blue of Blue Plate Specials. You want traif? We've got your traif right here:

  Jon Gosselin has been told to dump girlfriend Hailey Glassman. His spiritual guru, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, told us, "I have advised him to end it with Hailey. It is unacceptable to be in a relationship when he is still married and has to take care of kids who are hurting. It is not a healthy relationship." Gosselin's expected to announce the split during a speech at the West Side Synagogue at 7 p.m. tomorrow.

  Dear Jon Gosselin,

  Ahem. Or rather: achem.

  Not that I'm properly licensed in any way to speak on behalf of The Jews—besides the fact that, you know, I control the media, heh—but seriously, we don't want you. While you're at it, you can take this crook rabbi who managed to sneak you onto a bima with you. Seriously, I don't know which of you is worse: the famewhore Chabad rabbi supposedly trying to give you spiritual consultation, operating under the guise of a Magical Jew who can help you find yourself, or you, the out-and-out famewhore. Well, let's go by who has more kids, right? More to ruin. You've got eight. Boteach?

  Rabbi Shmuley is married to his Australian wife, Debbie, and they have nine children.

  We have a winner! But you're still an asshole and we still don't want you. Thanks.

  Signed,

  Foster

  PS - Are you fucking kidding me? [Page Six, NYDN]
  
  

• Oh, and also, he's trying to control people with suicide threats. I wonder if he picked that one up off his kids. [NYDN]
  
  
• And in other news, Jon Gosselin has officially been named Assface of the Year, 2009, via a certain august news organization, the designator of which is known for his breakthrough research in the field of Lady Gaga's penis. When theoretically asked what he'd do with the theoretical prize money, Gosselin theoretically said something that had nothing to do with his kids and everything to do with his hand-wringing guilt about being a Fuckface, thereby making him more of a Fuckface. That last part was not theoretical. [Gawker]
  
  
• Rob Patz and K-Stew have finished filming Eclipse. Related: Robert Pattinson still hates his psychotic fans. So much so that he's talking about marrying Kristen Stewart, apparently. Love it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Hugh Jackman is preparing himself for the emotional challenges that await him once he passes down the crown of People's Sexiest Man Alive to the next winner. My bookie back home has great odds on this year, and I'm supposed to tell you all that the 20:1 bet on Clark Hoyt's a real steal, all things considered. Full disclosure: I skim $0.30 to the dollah every time someone makes that bet. But again: it's a great deal. [People]
  
  
• This is awesome: A-Rod—who is currently using his bat to win the World Series for the Yankees—also manages to hit home with his other bat quite often. Yes, I'm talking about his penis. And Kate Hudson, who can't stop talking to everyone about it. This includes her parents, but come on, like Goldie Hawn minds. Goldie Hawn wants to know this shit. But that's not the awesome part. What's awesome is what Goldie Hawn probably doesn't want to know: that A-Rod has a portrait of himself painted as a centaur—yes, that kind of centaur—above his bed that he had commissioned. Read that again: A-Rod has a portrait of himelf painted as a centaur above his bed. As a Yankees fan—I know, I know—this hurts. It couldn't have been Matsui? Or Damon? Or Posada? Posada would've been great! Even Melky! Melky would've been hysterical. But seriously, it had to be you, didn't it, Alex? Come on. You make it way, way, way too easy for them. This is your first World Series. You don't even grow hooves until your ninth. Get there. Related: "Jesus." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paparazzi can be complete assholes, and really, the New York Post should've outed this one by name so he can get egged tonight or something. One of them was stalking her outside her West Village place as she was walking her dog and kept egging her on about what it's like to act on Broadway so close to Jude Law (their respective shows are more or less around the corner from one another). Sienna burst into tears and told the guy to fuck off. Instead, the Post decided to take the classy way about this one, headlining it "Sienna's stressed." Maybe true! But more interesting is what a complete asshole some people can be, proved twice with one item in entirely different contexts. Nice! [Page Six]
  
  
• Uh, best day of life, ev-ar. Lady Gaga will be performing with a ballet company. Hopefully they'll do Swan Lake and Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis will be BatSwan-na and she will be bubblefoamed to a tragic demise in the third act by a gang of Tangthirsty Spanish warlord anteaters. Ballet is awesome. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lil Wayne's being sued by some guy who's claiming Wayne stole his voice and used it on two records. To which I say: (1), Well, he needed it; hell, Lil Wheezy could use my voice. And (2), if that's all he stole, consider yourself lucky, gangster. You got off easy. Dahcktah Cah-tah doesn't usually put in such bush-league performances. [NYDN]
  
  
• Molly Sims is doing charity work in Haiti. It's difficult to laugh at celebrities doing work like this. On one hand, yes, they're probably furthering their own celebrity by doing it. On the other hand, I don't have the resources to, and our government's too incompetent to. So: what do you do? You read the Page Six item and play along. [Page Six]
  
  
• Heh. Madonna's boyfriend, Jesus—not the Jewish one—got beat out for some modeling campaign. Obvi. Fake Jesus never wins. At anything. [Page Six]
  
  
• New York Post restaurant critic Steve Cuozzo's gonna have a heart attack. Another asshole Russian billionaire spent a bunch of money at Nello's, one of if not The Worst Restaurant In New York. It's probably because they couldn't get into Rao's, or Minetta. I really, really hope they got turned away from Minetta. The nice thing about New York is that you can go to restaurants better than Nello's that Russian billionaires can't go to because they have too much of a shitshow following them wherever they go. Komrade Dickfor couldn't go to Joseph Leonard. Hell, he probably couldn't hit Corner Bistro. And Chang wouldn't take him either. So you know what, Russian Billionares? Suckit. Keep eating at Nello's. The food there sucks and you're gonna lap it up. All the better for us. Also, seriously, I hope McNally turned you away. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's going to slum it at the opening of American Eagle in Times Square by singing there. Also, Times Square continues to suck. Shocker. [Page Six]
  
  
• A gossip reporter who's been heavy on the Todd English beat may have had a close encounter with him, yesterday. [BlackBook]
  
  
• WTF. There's a new MTV show starring assholes. I didn't even read the article, I have no idea what it's about. Just look at the picture. Look. Where do they get these people? Is there a casting agency who just has a monopoly on this kind of thing? [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson needs a man, and apparently, she's given her list of needs to the Daily News. How about one that doesn't feed into her daddy issues, for one? Related: every time Joe Simpson comes up, I feel compelled to mention the fact that Joe Simpson has an Arcade Fire song written about him. Anyway, Jessica's ideal man is supposedly intellectual, sensitive, spiritual, and is artistically inclined. She just returned from a trip to India, too. Takeaway: women of the world need to stop reading Eat, Pray, Love, and they need to stop now. Most women are smarter than that, but to the ones who aren't, and Jessica, this jam goes out to you: Except for Sting, they're not real. You get us, instead. Welcome to reality. We're not Gandhi, but we try. Kinda. Related: we came to terms with the fact that you're not all gonna be Natalie Portman a long, long time ago. [NYDN]

And of course, this:

Again: Boo.

[Photo via Anderson/Vila/David Krieger Bauer-Griffin]

Here's the New York Post's gossip column item about Cooper going to the "best hotel in the world" in India:

Anderson Cooper has been consoling himself over falling ratings by living it up in Jaipur, India, at one of the world's most opulent hotels. The CNN star was spotted Tuesday with his muscular friend, Benjamin Maisani, an owner of East Village bar Eastern Bloc, at the Rambagh Palace, named the best hotel in the world by Conde Nast Traveler. Cooper's $3,200-a-night room features a four-poster mahogany bed and views of the gardens of the former Maharaja palace. Our source said, "Anderson's room has a large round bathtub. On the first night it was filled with bubbles and sprinkled with red rose petals." CNN declined to comment.

Saying Cooper is gay is no longer a scoop. It's not a scandal. Even the humor involved in all the clever winking and nodding is past its expiration date. With today's item Page Six may have exhausted all the ways to say "He's GAY GAY GAY!": the room only has one bed, Maisani's "muscular," and perhaps most blatantly, he owns Eastern Bloc. Every 'mo in New York knows Eastern Bloc is a gritty, dirty gay bar ("a true man meat bar") that often has boy-on-boy porn playing on its TVs. (The stencil over the DJ booth offers "Free Moustache Rides" and one outside once read "One Gay at a Time, Sweet Jesus.") All the patrons know Maisani, because he's big, and know he's dating Cooper. Word on the street is that Madonna's recent appearance there had less to do with her getting back to her East Village gay roots and more to do with the fact that she was with Cooper, who wanted to play "whose boy toy is hotter" with Madge.

Cooper's see-through closet is such a joke that it doesn't make sense to call him in the closet anymore. If he won't say it, we will: Anderson Cooper is officially out. There's no difference between him and Neil Patrick Harris. They both play it straight at their day jobs and then openly go about town with their boyfriends and do TV interviews about how much they love Kathy Griffin and The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

It's not like Cooper's in a club all of his own, either. He is part of an increasingly large crowd of notables who won't come out but have given up trying to hide that they are gay. Queen Latifah denied that she was going to marry her girlfriend, a girlfriend who she tries to pass off as her "trainer." Kevin Spacey got busted lying about being mugged in a London cruising park. Ricky Martin has stopped even trying to fight the gay rumors. Jodie Foster has never said she's a lesbian out loud, but she basically came out when she thanked her partner in an acceptance speech.

These gay-not-gay celebrities are different from the Hugh Jackmans, John Travoltas, Tom Cruises, and Kenny Chesneys, who are all constantly plagued with gay rumors that they strenuously try to deny or deflect. If they're gay, they're doing it in secret. Cooper and his set of cohorts live openly gay lives — and that's a good thing — but they refuse to acknowledge what the public already knows.

In Anderson Cooper's specific case, we sort of understand why he won't open his mouth and let the rainbows fly. All the guy has ever wanted to do was be an old-fashioned newsman and unfortunately him coming out would make him a part of the story. Every time he tried to cover something having to do with gay civil rights (or Madonna or Fire Island) plenty of people would claim that his reporting was biased because of his sexual orientation. It's not fair: Katie Couric doesn't have to worry when she covers pay inequality for women, and neither does Harry Smith when discussing new medicine that will eradicate baldness.

Coming out would open Cooper up to irrational accusations from those waiting to pounce on the "liberal media" just as quickly as A.C. pounces on his muscle man in an Indian hotel room. That sucks, but it's the way it currently is. How does it get changed? Well, by having some major national news figures come out and show that they can still get blown over in a hurricane or report live from a war zone without breaking into a anti-Prop 8 rant.

That's right, Anderson, it's going to take you to change it. Rachel Maddow has paved the way, but all the baby gays out there need you to man up and be our Jackie Robinson. The first step is the easiest, you just have to say what everyone already knows.

Top pic of Cooper and Maisani snapped in June by Pacific Coast News; pic of Eastern Bloc via Alice Bartlett's Flickr

Life & Style
"I Lost 82 Lbs!"
Everyone loves a weight loss story… Except for us. Six pages of Biggest Loser info — including an "old diet" versus "new diet" chart and the obligatory grilled chicken over salad photo. Moving on: "More Heels For Suri" is self-explanatory (See image 7). "Wow! How Did They Do That?" is a baby weight feature in which pregnancy weights are compared to post-pregnancy weights. All weights were estimated from photos by a doctor who does not treat the stars. Obviously. Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a "hot and flirty date"! The lead image looks like a shot of the happy couple, but it's actually two pictures cleverly pasted together. (See image 8; we added arrows pointing to the seam.) A source says Jess and Gerard had chemistry, but she ended up going home with her hairdresser. Someone else says: "He's horny, but there's nothing really going on between them." Next: Brad Pitt had a motorcycle mishap and told some guy that Angie was going to kill him, because she thinks motorcycles are too dangerous. (But didn't she buy him the bike?) Psychotherapist Jenn Berman, who does not treat Brad, says: "I don't think it's a good idea for a father to risk his safety." Lastly: Ashlee Simpson's character has been written out of Melrose Place and she is "devastated." And! Losing her salary is not good for the Simpson-Wentzes.
Grade: F (broken filling)

OK!
"Split!"
Robert Pattinson showed up 45 minutes late to the Eclipse wrap party, and when he left, he was wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. The mag writes: "The reason? He was hiding his broken heart." A "friend" of the couple's says he was talking marriage but Kristen Stewart wasn't ready. Apparently Kristen filmed some steamy love scenes with Taylor Lautner, and keeps talking about how he's getting "bigger and bigger and bigger." A source says "she couldn't stop noticing his bod. His hot bod." Anyways, Rob and Kristen are on a break, but it doesn't mean things are over. The break, interestingly enough, coincides with the hiatus between Twilight movies. (Robert doesn't want to go to LA with Kristen because he's scared of earthquakes.) Next: Bradley Cooper told Renée Zellweger he wants to slow down before anyone's feelings get hurt. The mag calls out Star for printing that Mary-Kate got engaged and also refutes Life & Style's claim that Angelina Joie has a fear of hugging. Check out the "exhaustive research" by their "Investigative Team" (See image 9). Jennifer Aniston is "one step closer to being a mom" because she visited an orphanage in Tijuana, where she made the kids spaghetti for dinner. She's also house-hunting in Mexico. Lastly: There's a two-page feature on Abigail Spencer, who plays Suzanne Farrell — aka Don Draper's mistress — on Mad Men.
Grade: D- (poppy seed stuck in teeth)

In Touch
"Running Back To Jen."
Brad got into a motorcycle accident, but the real news is that he was on his way to a "top secret meeting" with Jennifer Aniston. In other words: Brad was trying to get to Jen and away from Angie so fast, he had an accident! According to sources, Angelina is "not liking" the independent streak that Brad has been showing lately, and Brad realizes that leaving Jen for Angie was "hotheaded and dumb." A "pal" says: "They had a whirlwind affair and he was following Angelina around like a love sick puppy for a while." But now? "He sees her for nasty, calculating person that she is, and he wants to leave. It's terrible, because he feels trapped." Next there are disturbing photos of RHONJTeresa Giudice's new baby wearing feathers and leopard print. (See image 10). Ashlee Simpson "cried in her dressing room" after getting the boot from Melrose Place, poor thing. Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a "cheesy" new reality show in which he dates Nadya Suleman. It will be called Jon - Kate = Jon+ Octomom. BREAKING: "Katie Holmes returns to her sad life in Boston with Tom Cruise." BREAKING: Susan Boyle is younger than Madonna. (See image 11). Lastly, Matthew McConaughey's kid is just a tiny version of Matthew McConaughey. (See image 12).
Grade: D (pineapple string stuck in teeth)

Us
"This Time I'm Sure."
The guy from The Bachelor proposed to Meilssa Rycroft, then broke it off and got with the Molly from the show, and is now engaged to Molly. Or something. We didn't read the story. Moving on: An Melrose Place insider says they hired Ashlee because they needed a good name for "buzz," but she was embarrassingly bad. Another source says: "She's the worst actress, but nobody will tell her." The spread called "Tinseltown Transformations" is the best thing we have ever seen and proves that everyone you suspect had a nose job (coughTyracough) actually did. The ones you're not sure about are the ones with really good surgeons. (See images 13 and 14 ). Madonna gives Jesus expensive presents when she regrets being nasty to him. She bosses him around, feels guilty later, then buys him stuff like hand-tailored silk shirts. Ryan Gosling is still pining for Rachel McAdams. A friend says Ryan considered Rachel the love of his life and hasn't had eyes for anyone else since their breakup. Taylor Swift invited Taylor Lautner to the set of a commercial she was filming and a source says "they were definitely acting like a couple." Next is the amazing chart which proves that Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston are "on the same path." They like Mexican food! They have great hair! (See image 15). Kate Hudson and A-Rod are planning their life together, and A-Rod is "less of a jerk" now that he's with Kate. Apparently the sex is good and Kate "gets graphic" talking about A-Rod's body — "even to her parents." In Jackson kids news, a source says all the guys in the family (Joe; the Jackson brothers) look at them with dollar signs in their eyes — while the women (Katherine, the Jackson sisters) are protecting them.
Grade: D+ (popcorn husk stuck in teeth)

Star
"Tom & Katie: The End"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' third wedding anniversary is coming up — November 18 — which means they can "renegotiate their marriage contract"! When they got hitched, Tom had a 100-page document drawn up, spelling out everything from Katie's clothing allowance to a cash bonus for having babies. She wants: A bigger clothing allowance; for Tom to find a movie for her to star in; and another Broadway show. She got a $3 million "gift" when she had Suri, and every year Tom increases the additional offspring prize offer as an incentive for Katie to get pregnant. This year he's prepared to bump it up to $5 million! Tom wants Katie to get pregnant NOW and every week he reminds her that she is 30 and her biological clock is ticking away. Her dad's a lawyer, so she talks to him about the contract and is holding off on the baby while the deal is being made. If Tom and Katie don't work out the contract, they could split and fight over Suri — plus, Katie could "spill some of Tom's dark secrets." Next: New Line Cinema is supposedly casting a Jon and Kate movie, and would like Cameron Diaz for Kate and Johnny Depp for Jon. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were photographed together recently, and Rihanna got a ton of calls asking if she'd seen the pictures. She "flipped," because she's really into Justin. When she emailed him and asked him what was going on, he said he was trying to work things out with Jess. Now Rihanna feels that she got played. Kate Hudson answered A-Rod's cellphone, and when he complained, she threw the phone in the toilet. Blind item! "Which divorcée hasn't had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as 'a friend,' but now that things are over, she's on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company." This is weird: "Rachel Bilson wears the pants" in her relationship because she and Hayden Christensen went out to dinner and she ordered his meal, picked up the bill, and, "when they left, Rachel even drove!" Brad and Angie's English bulldog, Jack, destroyed a $500,000 Marcel Dzama painting. Jenny Craig spokeswoman Queen Latifah had breakfast in Beverly Hills and ordered a latte, three muffins, a slice of chocolate cake and a cinnamon roll to go. A source says: "She had a guilty look on her face." Maddox has been pushing his parents to get married, so in late September, Brad and Angie had a ceremony at their house, and it was officiated by Maddox. He assigned roles for everyone: Shiloh was the "ring bear"; Zahara was the flower girl, and Pax was the best man. Viv and Knox watched and giggled. Angelina wore a white dress; Brad wore a suit; Maddox wore camouflage; Pax wore a soccer jersey; Shiloh had her sword; Zahara wore a dress and tiara. Moving along: Kristen Stewart did not show up to the Eclipse wrap party and Robert Pattinson only stayed for 45 minutes before leaving alone. Sources say they had a fight on October 15 because Rob told Kristen that he was going back to the UK on their hiatus and wouldn't have time for her. Noah Cyrus, 9, wore a "racy getup" to a fundraiser last weekend. (See image 16). Jen, Jess and Cam are in the center of the "Hollywood Love Swap," surrounded by a constellation of guys (See image 17). Is Heather Locklear to blame for Ashlee Simpson getting fired from Melrose Place? Sources say Heather wanted her gone so it could be her show. Lastly, Miranda Kerr and Jamie King are "skin and bones." The mag writes of Kerr: "Although she refuses to reveal her true weight, Dr. Fisher believes Miranda weighs about 110 lbs." Does this mean a reporter actually called her publicist and asked for Miranda Kerr's weight?!?! Dr. Fisher, who has not treated Miranda, is the author of The Park Avenue Diet. Obviously.
Grade: C- (spinach stuck in teeth)

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

(Click "full size" to enlarge)

• The Todd English/Erica Wang PR food fight continues. In this round, jilted bride Wang's people are saying that celebrity chef English backed out of the wedding because his restaurants are in danger. English's people stick with the party line of "that Erica bitch is crazy, yo." Oh, also they added that Wang called English's kids "spoiled little pigs." This just gets classier and classier. [P6]
• All the tabloids and paparazzi disagree as to what exactly happened in Brad Pitt's motorcycle accident. Reports range from he knicked a paparazzi's car to a pap rear ended him, he fell off his bike, got up, cussed the guy out, flew to the moon, picked up the flag that we planted there, flew back, and stabbed the guy through the heart with it. Who knows which story to believe. [E! Online]
• Lindsay Lohan isn't drinking booze when she goes out now, but she may be addicted to shopping. To that news we give a resounding, "Duh!" [Gatecrasher]
• Someone finally learned about this whole Levi Johnston posing naked thing. They even got a quote that his manager thinks he's "90% sure" he'll go full frontal. Hmm. Wonder where they got that. [P6]
• Jon Gosselin has returned Kate's money. Like the rest of America, his lawyer is sick of him and fired Jon as a client. Hard times, brother. [People]
• Jude Law's babymomma Samantha Burke sold pictures of their newborn baby to Hello! for $300,000. Not too shabby. [Gatecrasher]
• In a desperate bid to be Oprah, Madonna is building a girls' school in Africa. She is visiting now and took her kids. So, while girls in Malawi need school, her own kids apparently do not. [UK Mirror]
• Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. Even the show queens who hate Phantom think that's sad. [NY Post]
• Let the scandal over 9-year-old Noah Cyrus (Miley's sister) and her inappropriate Halloween costume begin. [UK Mirror]
• Guess what Lady Gaga wears when she appears on Gossip Girl? It's something crazy! And we thought she'd rock the Blair Waldorf headband look. [People]

• Did you hear? Did you hear? Ashlee Simpson got fired! A mere two months into Melrose Place's run, she and Colin Egglesfield have been let go, merely as a function of the plot, you see, it has nothing to do with their acting abilities or Ashlee being too big a star for the CW. The show's producer told Entertainment Weekly that, since they finally got ol' Ashlee out of the way, the show start being "fun, romantic, [and] sexy." Yes, that quote is out of context. [EW]
• Madonna's pulling an Oprah, with plans to build a $15 million all-girls school in Malawi. Hopefully Madge's will have fewer sex scandals. Is it inappropriate to now note how cute Lourdes looks in the pic NYDN accompanies the article? Because really, adorable. [Page 6]
• Three more alleged Lohan/Patridge burglars have been unmasked. They're all teenagers, and one is under investigation for swiping $2 million in jewelry from Paris Hilton's house. Kids these days! So greedy, so cunning, so frighteningly well-connected. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan's ban from Avenue has been lifted, a great relief to proponents of LiLo debauchery and/or self-destruction. The ban started when Lindsay tweeted about Justin Timberlake macking on some chick who wasn't his girlfriend, which is verboten because what happens at Avenue stays at Avenue, see? Ever the self-starter, Lindsay "besieged" Avenue with requests to be let back into its gilded inner-circle. They relented, and she went twice last week. [Page 6]
• Gerard Butler is maybe-dating Jessica Simpson. Gerard Butler was seen at Waverly Inn with "a sexy blonde with an unidentified accent." Gerard Butler recently said he's into threesomes, so maybe...??? [3AM] [Page 6]
• Jamie Foxx drove Gerard Butler "crazy" because he followed him around his dressing room on the set of Law Abiding Citizen. Gerard Butler recently said he's into threesomes, so maybe...??? [Show Biz Spy]
• New Moon star Taylor Lautner discusses, yet again, how ripped he got for his werewolf role, which requires him to cavort on screen without his shirt a bunch. He says he'd like to be known for his acting some day, too. [Show Biz Spy]

1. She makes bizarro YouTube clips with Gwyneth Paltrow.

See above. According to Jacob Bernstein's Daily Beast piece, Anderson and Gwynnie are still BFFs, and in 2008 they made this weird little promo together (apparently with the help of Oprah's production company) appeared on Oprah together. Note Gwyneth's grim-eyed stare as she tells the camera, "I work out six days a week." Also note what she perceives as her options: "when you're 35, you either starve yourself, or you do serious cardio. But there's no free ride." I get that Gwyneth's job dictates that she have what Anderson calls "a teeny-tiny body," but what's with the second person? When I turn 35, I'm heartily looking forward to neither starving myself nor working out with Tracy Anderson. Also, one YouTube commenter says Anderson's workouts will leave you "looking like skeletors nutsack," which I guess is body-snark but is also too awesome not to quote.

2. She even steals from herself.

In 2007, Anderson didn't have enough money to outfit her LA studio. So she just started taking machines from the Indianapolis facility. As the machines disappeared one by one, she told her Indianapolis clients "the studio was simply undergoing maintenance." Then one day her customers arrived for a class and the studio was completely empty. Invisible treadmills!

3. She never went to Juilliard, worked on music videos, appeared in Cats, or was sponsored by Carnation Instant Breakfast.

She claims to have done all of the above, but the Daily Beast could find no proof of anything in this grab-bag of impressive and unimpressive credentials (Carnation Instant Breakfast?). Tracy Anderson also did not invent the question mark, has not seen Obama's original birth certificate, and cannot turn water into wine.

4. She calls going to jail "bummer times."

In 2006, Anderson was very briefly jailed for the Dickensian crime of failing to pay the chimney sweep. The Indianapolis Monthly and The Daily Beast both persuasively accuse her of living a lavish lifestyle while ignoring her bills, but here's how she describes the whole experience on her website:

There was a period of about 4 years in my life when I went through several "bummer times." During this period, I got myself into an unfortunate situation in which several negative events happened to me because I let someone else take control of every aspect of my life from finances to business documents. My misguided trust led me to take on challenges I would never have dreamed of facing, and these events affected not only my business, but also my personal life and emotions.

That "someone else" is presumably Glynn Barber, an ex-boyfriend whose own version of events is that Anderson convinced him to invest in her business and then bled him dry. It's a little hard to tell who is telling the truth about their relationship, but Anderson wants us to know her side — for our own good. She writes,

To anyone reading this who has felt hopeless or alone, I hope that my story can help you start to find the inner strength that you need to overcome and start healing, because no one else can give you the strength that you can give to yourself.

Tracy Anderson: firming the glutes, uplifting the soul.

Madonna's Trainer Fights Back [The Daily Beast]
Tracy Anderson Method [Official Site]
Tracy Anderson Method : Madonna And Gwyneth Paltrow Workout [YouTube]

Earlier: Gwyneth Paltrow's Celeb Trainer: Financial Charlatan
Celeb Trainer Tracy Anderson Wants To Give Everyone A "Teeny-Tiny" Body

• Michael Lohan went on Maury Povich-Maury Povich? Really?-to say that there's "nothing left" of Lindsay Lohan, and that he doesn't want to see her die. Morbid! He says she called him crying hysterically after she got robbed and the Daily News reports Lohan as saying she's doing fine. Well, she got that Robert Rodriguez role, so maybe. On the other hand, he could be right, given, well, you know. Look at her. Really. When what Michael Lohan says about you -in a universe of insane, distinct possibility-might hold water, yes, you have problems. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's mom believes what she reads about him. Like OMG HE IS SO CUTE I H8 KRISTEN STEWART SO MUCH YOU GUYZZZ!!!!! Also, he's been approached by fans who want their necks bitten by him. Some people don't deserve necks. Teenagers are ridiculous; related news, I feel old. His security force has to keep fans-not even stalkers, just plain old fans-away from him. He literally has to keep women away with a stick. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Pete Wentz wants to have a "soccer team" of children. On behalf of soccer fans and the rest of civilization: don't. [People]
  
  
• The Osbourne Family's Ways to Get Drugs, Number 1,042: get a collagen injection. Nice one, Kelly. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• ARR MATEY. The Dread Pirate Rihanna wants to take you under her umbrellarrrrr. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Damn, Jon Gosselin. You are fucking up and consequently getting fucked in every possible way. TLC's suing Gosselin for breach of contract now that he's basically canceled production on TLC's "hit" show. Ha, TLC, we knew you were some evil bastards. See, TLC suing Jon costs the family money and eventually to repay all the legal fees they're going to have to go back on the show and be completely broke, and TLC's ratings go up: genius! I wonder if they'd do this to the midgets if they wanted to leave the network. Also, Kate's thinking about suing him or threatening him in court or whatever because he hacked into her email. Naturally. Also, did the Daily News just get this chyron for Jon and Kate gossip?
  

  Looks like the graphic design intern's in today. Meanwhile, welcome to #Gosselip (thank you, Sarrible). Your Jon and Kate rage-rants on how much you hate them (and/or #Gosselip specific tips) are welcome.

  [NYDN]

  
  

• People wants to know if Kevin Costner's the new David Hasselhoff. Costner's kicking off a tour with his band and will be going through Germany. David Hasselhoff would comment but he's probably drunk on the floor crying into his cheeseburger over the threat to his reign over the Rhineland or whatever. [People]
  
  
• The Kardashians are teaming up with Bebe for a clothing line. Great, but does the world need more Apple Bottom jeans than it already has? Yes, that's about Kim having a large ass, the only thing any of them are actually famous for. Oh, and her sex tape with Brandy's brother. That, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. The NYDN's big gossip story this morning is that Anna Nicole Smith took perscription meds while pregnant with Larry Birkhead's baby. Like you even needed to be reminded of this story, this is one of those things we pretty much all probably could've guessed and/or figured out on our own if we actually wanted to think about it. Which nobody did. She took methadone to offset the back pain caused by her breast implants, and also, used to drink out of baby bottles and eat baby food she kept bedside while she was pregnant (in anticipation of her baby). This all came out when Birkhead was testifying in some shady case about the shady people who gave her drugs. Meanwhile, thanks NYDN, for sucking up my morning. [NYDN]
  
  
• Upper West Sider to America: Madonna won't STFU. America to Upper West Sider: STFU obnoxious person. Complaining about Madonna being a shitty neighbor is just as obnoxious as Madonna being a shitty neighbor. [NYDN]
  
  
• Didn't know this! Tina Fey was a 24 year-old virgin. She told Letterman Wednesday night on his show, followed by a "I couldn't give it away." Who'd she give it up to? Her husband and the father of her kids. In related news, how can you not like this woman? [NYDN]
  
  
• Fred Durst is getting divorced after three months. He did it all for the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, so you can take that prenup, and stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH. Related: remember when Limp Bizkit sold records? I don't! Eternal Sunshine machine, take me awayyyyy!!!! [NYDN]

  [Photo via David Kriger/Bauer-Griffin]

• So, what does Lindsay Lohan have to say about her disastrous Ungaro show in Paris? She just didn't have time to make a collection that didn't totally suck. And those pasties? She didn't even know about them! "I wasn't aware of the nipple tassels on the girls until they were walking out..." Don't worry, though, because the actress says she's "still learning," which gives us an iota of hope her next effort won't fall so flat. [People]
  
  
• A crazed "in love" fan waited in line five hours so that he could punch singer Leona Lewis at a book signing. She cried a bit, but has made a full recovery. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Neither side will admit it, but Fox Business and MSNBC are both working double time to make sure their respective morning hosts — rivals Don Imus and Joe Scarborough — beat one another at the ratings game. Scarborough's winning, but newcomer Imus could still come up from behind. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here's something none of us could have ever predicted. Britney Spears, who once lost custody of her two tots, has been named "best celebrity mom" in a completely scientific poll put out by a Christmas savings company, the most important source on Earth. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hillary Swank will stop at nothing to have children — someday. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• We're really sorry to be the ones to tell you this, but we're sure you've predicted it, so here it goes: Jon Gosselin vowed to continue a career in television. [NYDN]
  
  
• All wait staff should be on high alert: Miley Cyrus does not tip well. You've been warned. [Splash News]
  
  
• A former bodyguard claimed Howard K. Stern helped Anna Nicole Smith shoot valium. Because, at that point, why not? [NYDN]
  
  
• The late Stephen Gately's Boyzone bandmates will sleep in the chapel with his body the night before his funeral because he wasn't fond of being alone. [Mirror]
  
  
• Eminem must be quite the diva: he refused to work with Madonna. Chump. [NYDN]
  
  
• Because domestic life no longer appeals to viewers, the fifth season of Tori Spelling and family's reality show will be a cross-country trip. Next season? Ultimate fighting. [ET]
  
  
• Rather than simply pleading insanity, one of the men accused of extorting John Travolta after the actor's son's death claims that Travolta's lawyer offered him the $15 million as "hush money." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former Seventeen editor Atoosa Rubenstein will appear at Baruch Barnard College today to discuss the trials and tribulations of Iranian... hair. [Page Six]
  
  
• It's officially official: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Jason Whibley. Now perhaps we'll never have to hear those names again. [AP]
  
  
• Joe Francis recently boasted that if he saw rival Brody Jenner, Jenner was "dead." Then he ran into Brody and his friends and did nothing. What a cock. And a tease. [Page Six]

• Oh, it's on: Tilda Swinton has joined a fight against Donald Trump's latest golf course, which would be built on the Scottish coast and would displace residents. Trump's people responded by calling Swinton and other protesters "extremists." We imagine Swinton can get a bit more extreme than a petition. She looks sweet, but we see some crazy in those eyes. [AP]
  
  
• The ever-fecund Heidi Klum gave birth to her and husband Seal's fourth child, a girl named Lou. Klum's probably too exhausted to speak, so Seal released a statement wondering — and explaining — how he found even more love in his heart for the new tot. We could try to be cynical about this, but good golly, Seal and Klum just too darn adorable. [People]
  
  
• Carrie Underwood will host a two-hour holiday special that will feature Dolly Parton and David Cook. Because, you know, all the other recent variety shows have done so well. [Reuters]
  
  
• Remember when Tyra Banks told us all to kiss her fat ass and stop discussing her weight because she loved herself and all that? Well, now she's dropped four dress sizes. Body confidence must be out this season. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In other weight-related "news:" Star magazine had an expert say that Tori Spelling's only 95 pounds, so Spelling tweeted that she's 107 pounds and the tabloid can weigh her if they want. The aforementioned expert, meanwhile, says that 5'5" Tori's still 13 pounds shy of "remotely healthy." These weight wars sure can be ugly, huh? [Star]
  
  
• Madonna's former trainer, Tracy Anderson, will have to defend herself against a $1 million lawsuit filed by an ex-boyfriend who swears she used her feminine wiles to put a curse on him and make him spend his money on her business. He also claims she made up big, fat whopping lies, like that she had been in Cats and was a Power Ranger, all easily verifiable facts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul Anka will receive 50% of the publishing rights from Michael Jackson's new track, "This is It," because he helped write it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Joe Francis participated in last weekend's gay rights march in DC not because he wants to get good press, but because knows the pain of being dogged by the religious right and can therefore empathize with the same-sex crew. Um, really? [Page Six]
  
  
• Some say gay writer Gore Vidal's an anti-Semite, which explains why people such as former NYC mayor Ed Koch are furious he'll speak at the famously Jewish 92nd Street Y next week. Koch, who some say remains closeted, remarked, "Those who invited him are, as Jews, either most forgiving, or schmucks. The latter word is intended to cover masochists." [Page Six]
  
  
• Are you an Elvis fan with cash to burn? Well, you can bid on a lock of the singer's hair at an auction. It's expected to sell for at least $8,000. [Reuters]
  
  
• Can you believe it? A Los Angeles doorman didn't recognize Whitney Port and she had to wait in line for a half-hour until someone set him straight. Oh, the indignity! [Page Six]

• There's high-flying drama in the house of Oprah. One of the talk show queen's personal flight attendants filed a lawsuit in which she claims she was inappropriately fired over bunk "mile high" claims. Other attendants, including Gayle King's daughter, claimed that Corrine Gehrls and pilot Terry Pansing had sex during a flight, but both parties denied it — and passed a lie detector test. Still, Oprah refused to give them their jobs back and now Gehrls wants $75,000, which she could find in Oprah's couch. [Us]
  
  
• Irritatingly cute singer Michael Buble has found a new lady love — his music video vixen, Luisana Lopilato. She speaks little English. Score! [Page Six]
  
  
• A hearty congratulations to Christina Hendricks, our favorite Mad Men redhead, who was married this weekend. We're sure our invitation got lost in the mail. [ET]
  
  
• Prison's taking its toll on Roman Polanski, whose lawyer says he's "depressed." And that depression will no doubt deepen if he's extradited. [THR]
  
  
• Penelope Cruz won't say if she's pregnant, but she wore a loose-fitting dress, which in Hollywood code means she is. If only all of life's big announcements were so easy. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Emmy Rossum, who's reportedly sleeping with Counting Crows front man Adam Duritz, says she understands why "chicks dig him," which is funny, because we can't imagine why... [People]
  
  
• Madonna's brother, Christopher Ciccone, fancies himself an artist. [Page Six]
  
  
• Finally! After being denied the chance to be on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will now live his reality show dreams on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice. Now, isn't it time we all make more concrete rules about who exactly counts as a "celebrity." [Chicago Tribune]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian's unborn child will be a boy. [NYDN]
  
  
• Dannii Minogue, Kylie's less famous and less talented singer, made an off-hand remark about an X Factor star's sexuality, apologized profusely, but people still want her head. [The Sun]
  
  
• Late reality star Jade Goody's ex-husband, Jeff Brazier, vowed never to let her widower, Jack Tweed, see Goody's children again because he's a no good drinker with anger problems. Fair enough. [Daily Mail]

• Madonna once called Guy Ritchie "retarded." Now he's getting revenge by calling her "retarded," too. Shit, celebrities can be so retarded. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good! The gloves are coming off in Peter Brant's divorce from Stephanie Seymour. Court papers say that Seymour, who's famous for being a model, spends $50,000 on clothes every month and has been stealing art from the mansion she shared with Brant, who owns Interview. Yee-haw! [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love, who posts a scary amount of late night tweets, would like to thank her parents for her ass, but nothing else. [Twitter]
  
  
• Get excited, people, because Tina Fey will again impersonate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live. [NYDN]
  
  
• Conrad Murray, the doctor everyone thinks killed Michael Jackson, may be arrested after failing to show up to family court to discuss the $13,000 he owes in back child support. [ET]
  
  
• Dina Lohan has a line of shoes, which we hope will be more bearable than Lindsay's pathetic fashion line. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kanye West loves Alexander McQueen sooo much. But in the straightest way possible, of course. [Kanye]
  
  
• Heidi Fleiss was in a "horrific" car crash back in June. Don't worry, though, she's as alright as she was before the crash, which we suppose isn't saying much, but it's something. [TMZ]
  
  
• Wow! So, Gourmet's closing's a big deal, huh? It's so big, in fact, that a cafe worker at Newark's airport recognized former editor Ruth Reichl and gave her a sandwich. If only all former Conde staffers were getting such treatment... [Page Six]

Claim from an incredibly biased source (the editor of Paper): "If New York City were a magazine, it would be Paper." No, it would be F.E.D.S.


John Koblin reports that the publisher of Details, Steven DeLuca, is getting canned, and his duties will be taken over by Bill Wackermann, current publisher of Glamour. The fact that the rest of Details didn't get canned in yesterday's Conde purge is actually kind of amazing. So this is low collateral damage.


Here's a needlessly titillating headline: "CTD Developing Nancy Grace Strip." Comic strip? Strip mall? Strip show? No, it's just some dumb Judge Judy-esque TV show. Go to hell then, Nancy Grace.


The UK's Mail on Sunday newspaper has paid "substantial damages" to Madonna after she sued the paper for publishing photos of her wedding to Guy Ritchie. After that happened, everyone knew she was married, so, damages. Or something. British laws suck so bad.

• Erin Andrews, the ESPN reporter who was filmed in a bathroom, thanked police officers for their "dedicated service"in nabbing the perv and promised to use the scandal for good, not evil: "I will make every effort to strengthen the laws on a State and Federal level to better protect victims of criminal stalking." [ET]
  
  
• Seth Rogen got Kevin Smith to start smoking pot, now Smith smokes three times a day and encourages you to do the same: "Do weed! Don't do the other stuff, but weed is good." [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Noth and his lady love, Tara Wilson, are engaged. Pathetic women everywhere are finally snapping out of their "Mr. Big" fantasy. [ET]
  
  
• The alcoholic mother of the HIV-positive baby Elton John wants to adopt swears she won't let the pop star have his way. That's fair. [The Sun]
  
  
• Madonna's daughter yucked it up for the paps while walking around New York with her pop. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Don Imus starts his simulcast on Fox Business today, and he's sure the struggling cable channel's the place for him because, he says, it's not corrupt, like NBC. Oh, snap! [NYDN]
  
  
• Actor Tony Roberts, perhaps best known for his roles in Woody Allen movies, like Hannah and Her Sisters, has been hospitalized, thus holding up the preview of his Broadway revival, The Royal Family. [AP]
  
  
• The whole world knows that Eddie Cibrian and his wife are splitting up because he was screwing LeAnn Rimes, but don't worry: the couple puts on a happy face for the children. They're too young to read tabloids, anyway. [People]
  
  
• Happy 40th birthday, Gwen Stefani! [People]
  
  
• Desperate Housewives of Atlanta star Kandi Burruss has released a more detailed statement following the death of her former fiance, AJ. And, as you can imagine, she's "devastated." "My heart is heavy with grief," she says. [Us]

• People "close" to Elizabeth Edwards say she's about to divorce hubby John and reveal all his dirty secrets in court. Yeah, we know the source is the National Enquirer, but they've been pretty accurate when it comes to the Edwards thing. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Maybe baby news! There are rumors circulating that A-Rod impregnated Kate Hudson, but Hudson's team says it's not true. We're at once fascinated and revolted, but more fascinated. [NYDN]
  
  
• Some claim Rihanna's sleeping with Justin Timberlake, but sources insist he's still technically with Jessica Biel, but the couple's definitely headed in the breakup direction. Oh young love! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Jackson knows who's to blame for daddy Michael's death: those concert promoters. She reportedly told auntie La Toya, "What happened is they worked him too hard. He never got the chance to rest. It was non-stop work." Even if that quote's total bullshit, it's still sad. [Mirror]
  
  
• Because someone in Hollywood thinks Jessica Alba can perform, the actress will be in the latest installment of the grossly overrated Meet the Fockers franchise. [PopWatch]
  
  
• A new book claims Liz Taylor tried to kill herself after Richard Burton ended one of their many romances. [National Enquirer]
  
  
• Proving that it's hard to kick bad habits, Amy Winehouse and former husband Blake Fielder-Civil have rekindled their love — on Facebook! [The Sun]
  
  
• Poor Emma Watson. She just wanted to go to college like a normal young woman. Too bad no one told her Harvard's filled with a bunch of douche losers who have nothing to do other than stalk her and then tweet about it. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna told David Letterman that she would rather be turned to pulp by a runaway train than marry again. [HuffPo]
  
  
• People say Entourage star Kevin Dillon and his wife are calling it quits. He's not helping matters by flirting with women left, right and center. [Page Six]
  
  
• Now we can have a Palin nation! Rumor has it the — shit, we don't even know how to describe her — also-ran wants to land a beauty deal to "capitalize on her 'lipstick on a pit bull' catchphrase." [Page Six]