• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

1.) Toes
Tyra had guests this week who get fake toenails put on.

And there were these idiots, who pay $65 a session to have their toes read.

2.) Mariah
She made the talk show rounds. She stumbled on Leno.

Then she went on Larry King Live, where she blinged out his logo.

And then smelled her tits.

Also, Larry serenaded her.

3.) "Where are you?"
Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew premiered this week. One of its cast members, Nicole Narain, was on The Joy Behar Show, where she answered Joy's question a little too literally.

4.) What happens when you slouch in Judge Judy's court.

5.) Cougars
The Insider is taking this taking this cougar thing way too far. Although, I do like the little glimpses of Wasilla townies we get.

Niecy Nash is now literally referred to as "the resident cougar," and for the past two weeks, she's been going on dates with younger men.

Is this supposed to be sexy? Chest stubble and exaggerated nipples?

It reminds me of when Homer got plastic surgery so that Marge wouldn't leave him for a younger man.

And his nipples cried.

6.) Heather from Rock of Love on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
She played a hooker.

7.) Why did Sandals have to ruin a perfectly lovely song?

8.) Jon Gosselin implied that he's on the same professional level as Mary Hart.
And she didn't like it.

9.) Kirstie Alley on her coke days.

10.) Michelle Obama is fun.

Life & Style
"Slim Down Super Fast."
Did you know that if you dance all day instead of working at a desk, you can lose weight? Kelly Osbourne says now that she's on Dancing With The Stars: "I do five hours of rehearsals a day — sometimes even six." Debi Mazar says: "I've lost 11 pounds, and I've noticed my body toning in weird areas — my bra bulge is gone." This six-page extravaganza of peeps who lost weight dancing includes Mya — who was "soft" but is now "toned"; Kathy Ireland, who was "full-figured" but is now "foxy" and model Joanna Krupa, who was "thin" and is now "athletic." Moving on: In a poll titled "Who'd You Want To Be Frisked By?" Jon Hamm wins with 42%! (See image 7). The "cutest Jolie-Pitt pics ever" involve Shiloh buying snacks and making faces. "Perpetually single" Jennifer Aniston found herself in a "sticky situation" because Brad Pitt, John Mayer and Gerard Butler were ALL in New York City AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that: Being on the same island with all of your exes! And 1.4 million other people! According to handy map provided, John Mayer was downtown in his apartment; Brad was uptown at the Essex House and Gerard ate at a restaurant in Tribeca. DRAMZ. Lastly: "Real" "Housewife" Kim Zolciak would like for America to know that she has never been a stripper: "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man," she says. "If I'd been a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?" About her hair, she says: "I have great hair. It's shoulder-length, and it's the same color as most of my wigs. I have naturally black hair, but I bleach it."
Grade: F (runaway bride/missing groom)

In Touch
"I'm Going To Be A Mom."
What she means is: Someday. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey granted the mag an interview, and when asked if they want a family, she said: "Definitely." He said: "It's at the forefront of our minds. We're very close, but we want to enjoy our first year together." Nick also says that they'd like two kids but "we want to make sure we're ready when the time comes." Mariah has been staying fit by jumping on a trampoline, but she says she wouldn't mind gaining baby weight. "I'd be fine with it," she claims. Oh, and they ask her about turning 40: "Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long." She goes on to explain that she thought she'd die young, like Marilyn Monroe. Oh, Nick says of Eminem: "I don't respect him as a man… He and I need to have an old-school sit down." Moving on: Alongside blurry pictures of the Kardashian wedding, there's news that Lamar Odom's ex, Liza, was so upset about the nuptials that she tossed out thousands of dollars of his possessions from the NY apartment they had shared with their two kids. His kids did not attend the wedding. Neither did Khloe's stepbrother, Brody Jenner, whose girlfriend, Jayde Nicole, is suing Joe Francis, who is BFF with the groom. Next: Jon Gosselin's lawyer spoke to the mag about why Jon delayed the divorce and the guy says: "A divorce, especially for a woman with 8 children, is a very very traumatic thing. But as the mother of his children, [Jon] doesn't want her to have a nervous breakdown." To "win" fans back, Jon and Kate may appear together on Oprah, where they can iron out their differences on national TV. Oh, and a source says Hailey Glassman's parents want her to stay away from Jon. Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina are "purposely" being seen apart in public so that IF they decide to separate, it will come as less of a shock. "They plan to play up the fact that they never really defined their relationship in traditional terms," says a "friend." "They will say when they met, they were on the same page about having children, but neither wanted a life-long partner." Um, okay. He went alone to the Clinton Global Initiative not because she was home with the kids, but because he was making a point about being seen alone. Says a source. Also inside: Britney Spears has reunited with Jason Trawick; they went to a candy store with her kids. He is still her agent, he just can't be in a high-profile relationship right now, an insider says. Lastly: This mag calls out Us magazine for printing a cover story about Jessica Simpson spiraling out of control and finding solace in booze after the disappearance of her dog, Daisy. A friend says: "Of course she's sad about Daisy… but it's so blown out of proportion. She's not drinking excessively."
Grade: D (shitty wedding DJ)

Ok!
"My Dream Wedding."
Khloe sold her wedding snaps to Ok!, and they printed 13 pages of Kardashian pictures and info. How anyone could possibly care is a mystery. Margaret says the most notable thing about the story is that the ceremony was done so quickly that all of the bridesmaids' dresses don't fit properly, and the groom's pants need hemming. (See image 8 and image 9). Kim, whose dress is totally straining and pulling, says: "I was freaking out because I had mine tailored really tight. There was some crazy working out and taking Quick Trim to try and get in shape." Vera Wang is a friend of the Kardashians, and custom-made the bride's dress. Khloe says: "If Vera didn't think our marriage would last, she wouldn't have done it." Next week: Reception photos! Moving on: A source says Brad told Angie that if she got up to 115 pounds by November, he'd "move forward" with child number 7. The story reads: "Angie's been noshing on crepes, omelets. pasta and garlic bread, all prepared lovingly by her partner." A source says: "It's not like Brad's force-feeding her. But he's trying to steer her in the right direction." Kevin Federline wants to lose weight before he joins Celebrity Fit Club. Apparently he blames stress from his unstable custody situation and "Jamie Spears' spicy grilled meats" for his heavy physique. Lastly: Jennifer Aniston had dinner at Monkey Bar in NYC; John Mayer had dinner at Gemma — but pals say he wanted to be sharing a table for two with Jen. "He's been trying to get back into her life," says a friend. "He begged Jen to let him join her on her upcoming trip to Cabo."
Grade: D+ (fallen/broken wedding cake)

Us
"it's Over!"
About a month ago, Justin Timberlake told friends "it's over" with Jessica Biel. He's over it; she's too much to deal with. Except they're always off and on. Anyway, she refuses to accept it, and is pretending nothing's wrong, because "she needs him emotionally and for her career." Says a "pal." But after the VMAs, Justin was "clearly on the hunt." Lindsay Lohan has claimed that she hooked up with Justin several times while he was with Jess, and in June, she Twittered something about him being a cheater. She claimed she'd been hacked, because Justin told his network of people to ban Lindsay and make her life miserable. Apparently when Justin was first getting together with Jess, he visited her on the set of a movie she was making, but wore disguises — beards and hats — so as not to be recognized. JT's cheating rumors include Kate Hudson, Lindsay Lohan and Ciara, though a source says of Lindsay: "Her record of truthfulness is not awesome." The good thing about the "Celebrity Arms Race" is that everybody wins. The bad part? Michelle Obama is a "celebrity." (See image 10). On the "Are They Too Young?" page, we learn that 85% of people think it's okay for a four-year-old to wear a bikini; 48% think a four-year-old is not too young to have a manicure. 76% think Suri is too young to wear heels. (See image 11). Lastly: Raise your hand if you wish you could go inside the Gossip Girl closet!!! (See image 12)
Grade: C- (terrible weather for outdoor ceremony)

Star
"It's On!"
Justin is "pressing" Rihanna to plan another hookup. (They tried to keep their VMA hookup a secret, but Jessica found out within days.) An insider claims: "They like excitement of sneaking around… They got off on keeping it on the down-low." Once, they were alone in the studio late at night working on RiRi's new album, and Justin was joking about strippers — he said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance. "She likes to test the boundaries," says a source. But! RiRi doesn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer. She wants it to be publicly out there that JT is single before she commits to him. Anyway, they've been talking and texting, but Rihanna wants to be sure she's not a "lady on the side." Just an FYI on those "exclusive photos": One shows the side of her head and the back of his head; the other shows the back of both of their heads, standing near each other in a crowded club. Not exiting. Moving on: Blind item! "Which singer has rebounded after splitting from his wife by secretly bedding his sexy twenty-something assistant? And no, it's not the one he's been photographed with." Our guess: Usher. Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds in the first seven days after her son Sparrow was born — "and she keeps getting thinner." Wait, are they including the actual infant in those 14 pounds? Anyway: Her secret is "lots of fruit, veggies and fish" and no carbs. The mag says people are "shocked" by her weight. Jennifer Love Hewitt is "scary-skinny." An eyewitness saw her in L.A. and said she looked "frail and drawn" and her face was "achingly thin." Could it be that she's lost her appetite due to love troubles? Lastly: Ashlee Simpson has a crush on her Melrose costar, Colin Egglesfield. They were getting touchy-feely between scenes on September 23 — while Pete Wentz was on tour in Dallas. Ashlee was hugging him and holding his hand and "doing the whole hair flip thing," a spy reveals.
Grade: C (stained bridal gown)

Click "full size" to enlarge.

That's right, today is the drop date for Mariah Carey's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel, a collection of slow jams that includes her instant classic cover of "I Want to Know What Love Is;" Madonna's greatest hits double-disc collection Celebration, that features two new singles; and Barbra Streisand's Love is the Answer, a collection of cabaret standards. Not to be outdone by those older and wiser, Britney Spears tried to steal some of the spotlight by releasing the single "3" today. Smooth movie Britney. And it's pretty good, as far as catchy, crappy pop songs go.

So, who will be the big victor in the Diva Death Battle 2009? Lady Gaga of course! What? She doesn't even have an album out today! Precisely, but she is poised to be the gay icon of the youngest babygays that are just taking their first fledgling steps on the big pink road we call queendom. While there is definitely plenty of crossover between the Madonna/Mariah/Britney crowd, only confirmed bachelors of a certain age are going to be purchasing the new Streisand.

Every generation of gays gets their own singing female deity to worship (whether we like it or not), and as Streisand crowd ages and the diva herself gets closer to retirement age, it's going to be up to Gaga and her ilk to entertain "the children." Madonna's influence may spread now that her greatest hits CD will educate a new generation of kids, but those dancing at Campus Thursdays at the local gay bar weren't even born when "Burning Up" was first burning up the charts. Mariah is no spring chicken either, and her album of slow jams isn't really ready made for dance floor remixes that will spread her new sound across the floors of a thousand gay dance palaces.

As long as Britney can hold it together, she'll continue to be relevant for a certain crowd that came out to her hits earlier this decade, but it's Gaga who will be holding sway from 2010 on. Let's just hope that she has enough kooky kostumes in that pretty little head of hers to keep her going for the next 20 years, when the rest of us are sitting around telling our gay nephews, "When I was your age, Madonna, Mariah, and Barbra once came out with new CDs on the same day!"

• Robert Pattinson says that he doesn't have a girlfriend, despite all the rumors about he and Kristen Stewart dating. He says he wishes he could just go out with models all the time, because that's what he thought life would be after becoming a movie star: "You always think you're going to get more girls after you've made a movie and it never happens. You sit there and you're like ‘I'm a big movie star and I want to go out with some models' but I don't know why that doesn't happen." Pattinson also said that LA women are nuts, which is exactly what he said about New York women a few weeks ago. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt says that he's "an artist" when it comes to rolling the perfect joint, and he's pretty skilled at coming up with new and innovative ways to smoke marijuana, according to Quentin Tarantino. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mariah Carey say that she's tired of being dissed by the Grammy Awards and is withdrawing herself from consideration for the next cycle of awards. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Anna Wintour is going to "ad-lib it" on Letterman this coming Monday night. Her people say that she's done plenty of live TV before and that handling Dave should be a breeze, though she wasn't pleased when she was told that she couldn't wear her sunglasses on the show. [Page Six]
  
  
• Slutty former Star reporter broad Kate Major still won't shut up about boning Jon Gosselin. She now says they did three times and it was "amazing." Disgusting. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Alicia Silverstone says that she enjoys gardening in the nude, a habit she picked up from Woody Harrelson, who she says she "used to spend a lot of time with." Hmmm! [Page Six]
  
  
• Penelope Cruz is rumored to be pregnant with Javier Bardem's child and is hiding out from the photogs until she's further along in her pregnancy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Former American Idol champion David Cook is rumored to be dating a woman almost a decade older than he is, a 35 year-old "busty Atlanta model" named Kimberly Johnson. [Page Six]

• Oh, god. A billion teenage brains are going to spontaneously combust today. Apparently, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to get married. Their union will be officiated by the Minister of Happy somewhere around Tomorrowland and they're going to ride off on a Monorail of Pleasure sometime after for their honeymoon, and teenagers all across the land will be miserably depressed. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy wrote a novel about uberflack Lizzie Grubman, and she said the book isn't about her. Especially the part where she plows into a bunch of people in the Hamptons with her SUV. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse wants to get back with Blake, the subject of all her songs, lawsuits, and various addictions. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• What's Robert Pattinson's life like living through right now? A bong? A strange prism through which all perceptions of normal proportions are heinously warped? A bunch of fans accosted him dressed as aliens the other day. Seriously. Now I feel bad for him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Pattinson's co-star, Kristen Stewart, is about as famous as the penny: everyone knows who she is, and could care less. Sad. That's what she gets for not being a vampire. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rexo preggers Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo are now homegirls! They need to think of a name for their duo; tragically, The Rexo Preggers Club didn't make the first cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Paula Abdul want back in on American Idol? Maybe! And I would like to go back into my sensory deprivation tank! Or the womb! [TMZ]
  
  
• Stellar! Kevin Spacey just wrapped on Casino Jack, the new Jack Abramoff biopic. Apparently, the movie portrays Bush and Abramoff as chummy, and makes a real ass out of Tom DeLay by portraying him as a cigar-chomping Tammany Hall type. This ought to be good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Good to know: Alaskan man-meat Levi Johnston will pose nude "for the right price." At this point, I think it's safe to say he's just a tool of the Democratic Party. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Big-dicked movie star Jamie Foxx may have impregnated more women than previously assumed! He will try to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and it will not work. [NYDN]
  
  
• Alyssa Milano, after dating a long lineage of rock stars, movie stars, and baseball players, ended up getting married to an agent. Go figure. Remember when she was married to the lead singer of Remy Zero? Those were the days. [NYDN]
  
  
• New Gossip Girl character: Vanessa's mom! Whee. [EW]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson's looking for pricey new digs in Hollywood, i.e. apartments to the tune of $15M. Where's he getting his money? Come on, where do you think? Out of the pockets of his dead brother. Naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Why is Mariah Carey canceling events? Easy! Because Nick Cannon is broke. [People]
  
  
• TMZ thinks Britney spears copped her weave from Dog The Bounty Hunter. I laughed. Heartily. [TMZ]
  
  
• Brooklyn Foodies, beware: Tyra Banks is encroaching on your storied grounds with her financier boyfriend. So goes the item: they were at Peas and Pickles in Brooklyn Heights, and they had to have everything rung up at the register item-by-item. Lots of frozen dinners! And energy bars. It was paid for with a Black AmEx. The next time you scrape up enough nickels to hit up your corner bodega for a box of bootleg Parliament Lights, remember this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martin Scorsese hasn't even started work on the new Sinatra movie, and Tina Sinatra is pissed at Marty's potential portrayal of her dad. She wants the movie to be about the music, and Scorsese's probably dreamed about making what should be the Goodfellas version of a musical biopic for years, now. Wonder who's gonna win out on this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• "I feel your love!" screamed Madonna as a bunch of Polish fans sung her happy birthday. She's 51! Jesus, Madge. 51, and you're still kicking around with Jesus and feeling the love of various foreigners and wearing that ridiculous kabbalah bracelet around. Here's my favorite bad Madonna video. Let's celebrate together!!1!! [NY Daily News]

• Whatever you do, don't make any sushi jokes around Jeremy Piven — he's sort of sensitive to them. Chris Kattan found this out backstage at a taping of Alexa Chung's MTV series. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• British actor/sissy-boy Robert Pattinson is so afraid of New York women that he's spending his idle time hanging out in bars in Long Island City, just to avoid being recognized by girls in Manhattan. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Jackson has finally been laid to rest at a cemetery in the Hollywood Hills, but the Jackson family is refusing to make the exact location public out of fear that someone might try to steal his body or something. [Mirror]
  
  
• Bethenny Frankel hates Gwyneth Paltrow, so much so that she said Gwyneth makes her want to staple her eyelids shut. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's fetus fuck-toy, Jesus Luz, has decided that he's tired of modeling and is stretching his wings to try to become a prefessional DJ. This sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kyra Sedgwick says that being ripped off by Bernie Madoff has forced she and Kevin Bacon to embrace the "simpler things" in life. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Mariah Carey, feeling pressured by Whitney Houston's new release, is said to be feeling enormous anxiety about finishing up her new album. [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's something different: Terri Irwin issued a denial that Steve Irwin's remains were fed to a crocodile in Australia after his death. [Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham looked ridiculously skeletal when she showed up for her debut as a judge on American Idol. She was also criticized by the show's staff for being wooden and too nice. [Daily Mail]

1.) One Life to Live Does Grey Gardens
During a drunken daydream, one character on the soap imagined life as Edie Beale. They did a musical number, and the Costume of the Day speech, although the accent was way off.

2.) Joan Rivers on Live TV
I love that for her publicity tour for her new reality show, she keeps dropping F bombs on live television.

3.) Police Women Get Stuck With The Vagina Jobs

4.) Moe
Former Jezebel editor Moe Tkacik was on MSNBC on Tuesday morning, where she talked about the economy and possibly got hit on.

5.) Do You Remember the Time?
It was discovered that a 3000-year-old tomb of a mummified woman looks exactly like MJ.

6.) Lesbians Aren't Into Sausage Parties
Zing to you, Gordon Ramsey!

7.) Wasted Housewives of Atlanta
I love how drunk and loving NeNe and Kim got at their "let's be friends again" dinner.

8.) Who Pulled Tiger Woods' Finger?

9.) Do You Wanna Hear Someone From Chicago Pronounce "Coup d'état"?

10.) Why Am I So Obsessed With Her?
Her feigned modesty is one reason.

Page Six reports that Barton's publicist can't even get his gonzo client on the cover of any of the tabloid magazines. What, did OK! have the first pictures of Paz Vega's baby instead?

"As sad as Mischa's recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares," said the editor

Is that because after the head-shaving, chopper-chasing, ambulance-cramming awesomeness of Britney going bonkers, everything pales in comparison? These are just a handful of the covers that were coming out on a weekly basis in 2007 during Britney's spectacular fall from grace. Just a year later, Heather Locklear barely got any when she started acting nuts.

Running concurrently with Britney during the summer of tabloid gold, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI more than once and was in and out of rehab. She even managed to score the cover of the New York Post and the Daily News on the same day!

Or is it, sadly, that neither of these women are famous enough for their mental condition to warrant our concern? It's probably a combination of that and the lack of a really sensational story, like Anne Heche wandering into people's houses in her underwear babbling about spaceships (remember that?!). See, Mischa, you just didn't go crazy enough.

Regardless of the reason, it looks like Barton is going to have to get on the cover of a tabloid the old fashioned way. You know, by being a good actress, getting knocked up, or having her husband leave her and their eight children to chase floozies around Southhampton with Michael Lohan.

Sample Carey "jabs":

"You're so lame....Ooh boy, why you so obsessed with me? Ohh finally found a girl that you couldn't impress/Last man on the earth/still couldn't get this."

Between MTV's Bruno stunt and Mariah's doppelganger performance, it looks like Eminem has become more participant/victim of celebrity pranks than actually well you know, doing anything.

• Tennis star and lover of Enrique Iglesias Anna Kournikova got into a fight Saturday night at a club in Vegas after some random woman threw a drink at her for "invading her space." [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester sings and acts in a new Gossip Girl-y video she stars in for Cobra Starship's song "Good Girls Go Bad." And yes, the song was written and the video was shot prior to the news that Meester's talented feet were the star of a new celebrity sex tape to hit the internet. [Daily Intel]
  
  
• Michael Jackson looked frail but appeared to be getting his groove on in these photos taken during a rehearsal at the Staples Center shortly before his death. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Chris Brown was supposed to take part in a Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards on Sunday night, but Jay-Z stepped in and torpedoed those plans. [Page Six]
  
  
• Alice Hoffman isn't just attacking people who offend her delicate sensibilities on Twitter—She recently attacked a blogger who was moderating a discussion about her new book at a Barnes and Noble store. [Page Six]
  
  
• Actress Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is moving to New York to attend school at Columbia, where perhaps she can follow in the footsteps of her fellow thespian James Franco and sleep her way to a degree. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jude Law, currently starring in a London production of Hamlet, strolls through the streets of the city coolly sipping on frappucinos. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sacha Baron Cohen got a taste of his own medicine last night when a Bruno imposter showed up at the movie's Australian premiere in a pink stretch Hummer filled with a bevy of scantily clad dancers. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have released the first photos of their new twin girls, who were recently delivered by a surrogate mother in Ohio. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mariah Carey got done up as an Eminem-type rapper for her new video for her song "Obsessed." We can't wait for Eminem to respond with a video in which he dresses up like a hideous-looking Mariah Carey, because you just know he's going to do it. [DListed]
  
  
• Lady GaGa claims that she's been doing volunteer charity work since she was two years old. [UK Sun]

• Elle is letting Lindsay Lohan off the hook in regards to the 400K in jewels that went missing after a recent photo shoot she did for the magazine. A spokesperson said "Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make." And now Lindsay's pissed that anyone would have the audacity to accuse her in the first place because, you know, Lilo would never steal anything. [Daily News]
  
  
• Two insane Ohio cops tried to break into the home of the surrogate mother carrying the child of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick so that they could blackmail them or rip the baby from the womb and hold it for ransom or something. Who knows? [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are insanely jealous of—Wait for it—Jon and Kate! Apparently, these two are seething that Jon and Kate are hogging up all the tabloid magazine covers. For shame! [Page Six]
  
  
• Nick Hornby recently took both his current and former wife on an exotic vacation, along with his kids by both women, and they all stayed in the same vacation home together, which all seems like a very Nick Hornby thing to do. [Page Six]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake loves ordering rounds of nitrogen chilled tequila shots at douchey Manhattan clubs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fox's Juliet Huddy's third marriage is coming to an end after just four months. Ok, so if you're under the age of 40 and you've been married three times, something's wrong. If your third marriage doesn't even last six months, something's seriously wrong! [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's proof that the London theater scene is going to crap just like the New York theater scene—Mariah Carey is set to star in a new play on the West End next year. [Mirror]
  
  
• Britney Spears threw on some pink hot pants and went out for some McDonald's in London the other day, because Britney doesn't get any more painfully Britney than when she's running out for McDonald's in pink hot pants. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Madonna has enlisted Gwyneth Paltrow to decorate the bedroom of her new adopted African baby, Mercy, just because she's Madonna and can get away with asking people to do ridiculous things to please her. [Sun]

• Friends of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie say that the couple is planning to get married in New Orleans, perhaps at the end of the summer. Pitt and Jolie have resisted getting married in the past, but feel motivated to show the world that they're really in love and aren't breaking up any time soon by getting hitched, a move sure to kill the relationship once and for all. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Brooke Shields has reached a settlement with the National Enquirer after reporters for the tabloid did one of the most bizarre things in history of "journalism"—-They showed up at a New Jersey nursing home that cares for Shields' dementia-addled mother and checked her out of the facility, claiming to be "friends" of hers. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mariah Carey is getting fat but her people claim that it's all good because she loves food and isn't afraid to pack on a few pounds to enhance her "curves." In other news, Mariah Carey recently got married, a social condition that often leads to weight gain by all parties involved. [New York Post]
  
  
• Britney Spears' LSU football-loving dad has banned booze from backstage during her concert tour in a desperate attempt to keep her sober, but that hasn't stopped Britney from hitting the London club scene during her time there. [Sun]
  
  
• Pete Doherty was on a British Airways flight to Switzerland and needed a fix, so he got out of his seat in coach, marched on down to the plane's bathroom and shot himself up. He was arrested when the plane landed. It's possible that his little act, which we suppose gives new meaning to the term "mile high club," may get him banned from the airline for life. [Dlisted]
  
  
• Denise Richards has had three boob jobs so far in her life, but she doesn't think that the kids out there should ever consider having one, because the kids are beautiful and don't need to have boob jobs, or something. [UK Sun]
  
  
• So Dr. Drew stated the obvious and said that Lindsay Lohan is a trainwreck who will more than likely wind up dead before she can clean her life up, then Lohan responded by trashing Dr. Drew on her Twitter and now the Dr. Drew/Lindsay Lohan catfight you've all been waiting for is in full swing. [EOnline]
  
  
• Gordon Ramsey got pissed at an Australian journalist and called her a "lesbian pig," and now women's groups are calling Ramsey a pig. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Ryan Phillippe and Abbie Cornish spent the weekend watching Phillippe's children with Reese Witherspoon play Little League baseball. [PITNB]

• Lily Allen took to Twitter account to unleash a fury of hate on Susan Boyle saying, "Susan Boyle is so overrated...Listen, I'm allowed to have an opinion. I thought her timing was off. No control, and I don't think she has an amazing voice. Yes, she can sing, but it's not about talent with her is it?" [DListed]
  
  
• Jon and Kate are facing the "dark side of reality" because all of their squabbling on television may lead viewers to turn against them and then their show would be cancelled and then they'd be miserable AND broke, and who wants that?! [Daily News]
  
  
• Kelly Bensimon showed up late to a book party for Hollywood lip monster Lisa Rinna, slammed a martini, and then proceeded to flirt with every dude in the room. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl got dropped from some shitty romantic comedy because she was demanding a ridiculous salary and a personal ass-wiper in her trailer or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Tori Spelling went to the beach over the Memorial Day holiday and frightened the hell out of everyone with her freakish, destroyed by plastic surgery Frankenstein body. [DListed]
  
  
• Rapper T.I., obviously thinking that he could do whatever he liked, showed up late when he was supposed to report to prison to begin a jail sentence.[Daily News]
  
  
• Mariah Carey has fired her poor hair dresser because he just couldn't figure out how to make her horrible wigs and weaves look like real human hair or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton showed up at some club in London and turned down a free bottle of champagne because "we only do shots." Yeah. [UK Mirror]
  
  
• Victoria's Secret model Adriana Lima is pregnant for her husband, some shitty basketball player for the Memphis Grizzlies. [UK Sun]
  
  
• James Brown's family is about to kill each other over control of his estate. [EOnline]

• John Mayer went out clubbing in Los Angeles the other night and somehow found himself covered from head to toe in lipstick kisses, so naturally, he then took to the streets and sang a Michael Jackson song for the paparazzi. [Dlisted]
  
  
• You cannot stop the legendary Hollywood cock-swordsman that is David Cross, you can only hope to contain him, which it appears that no one can do these days. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fergie, wife of Josh Duhamel, has admitted that she likes to delve into a little sapphic love every now and then. [Sun]
  
  
• Mariah Carey almost murdered a bunch of Frenchmen after she was kept waiting AN HOUR to walk a red carpet at a film premiere at Cannes. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Britney Spears is still spending money like Mike Tyson, MC Hammer and Michael Jackson on crack. [Mirror]
  
  
• Steve Rattner is building a house the size of a small country on Martha's Vineyard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Eminem says that his new album was inspired largely by...wait for it...SERIAL KILLERS! [Mirror]

In case you don't know, the story revolves around an overweight, illiterate teen from Harlem who is pregnant with her second child and invited to enroll in an alternative school.

Newcomer Gabourey Sidibe plays Precious and Mo'nique plays her mother; Paula Patton and Mariah Carey also make appearances. In addition to a spectacular-looking trailer, the design geek in me has to give Lionsgate props for this poster:
…which is powerful and very much like some of the old posters designed by the great Saul Bass.


Precious premiered at Sundance in January and will be shown at the Cannes Film Festival (which started yesterday) but won't make its theatrical release in the U.S. until November (Oscar season!).

Precious Trailer [Trailer Addict]
Precious/Push: Based on the Novel by Sapphire [IMDb]
Related: Precious [Feministing]
Precious Trailer [Women & Hollywood]

• Poor Carrie Prejean just can't catch a break. She's just living her life trying to do right by Jesus and all those assholes with naked pictures of her in their sock drawer keep bringing her down. (TMZ)
  
  
• Now wait a minute...I love Bob Barker. And I love Betty White. So who the hell am I gonna lay a twenty spot on in this one? This is just like that time Fred Rogers and Aunt Bee got into a tiff over the perfect temperature to bake an apple pie. Or something. (BB)
  
  
• Eminem is doing his best to piss off Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey, running around talking about how he wants her "back" and how he loves her and misses giving her golden showers each morning after breakfast. I predict this will end with knifeplay. (People)
  
  
• Well lookee here...Keith Olbermann's girlfriend just got hired at NBC! (Page Six)
  
  
• Kelly Clarkson has packed on a few pounds. (DListed)
  
  
• Madonna is now a Mets fan. Is she boning David Wright too? (Page Six)
  
  
• Bruce Jenner is having plastic surgery and Kim Kardashian is more than happy to blabber about it all over the place. (Daily News)
  
  
• The autopsy performed on Danny Gans' body has been ruled "inconclusive". (Perez)

• Lindsay Lohan has been hanging out with various men, including this one time in a bathroom for a while, so obviously her lesbian experimentation is over, because what could Lindsay Lohan be doing with a guy in a bathroom besides the sex? Certainly not illegal narcotics of any sort, or trying to make her lady ex jealous. Maybe she was thinking about how avoiding the fate of Britney Spears, now that she's fallen in with a paparazzo and is fighting with her mom.
  
• There's a chance Rihanna and her terrible ex Chris Brown will be at some Hollywood afterparty together following the ASCAP Awards tonight. But he's a "Maybe" on the Evite, so who knows. [Daily Star]
  
• GreenDaily.com named Mariah Carey the "least green" celebrity for flying her personal trainer up from St. Bart's. Which sounds awfully pollute-y, but is basically the celebrity equivalent of driving to spin class a few times a week. And we've all been there, right people? Anyone?? [P6]
  
• Vanessa Minnillo has a new friend to publicly make out with. (Matt Lanter from 90210, if by chance you care.) [P6]
  
• On tour in California, Britney Spears finally got to live out her longtime dream of riding a dragon, naked. Well, almost. [Sun]