The assumption when any television show hit ends its run is that the stars will go on to fame and fortune and other projects. Sometimes that happens and we never hear from them again (see Friends and inexplicably Full House) but when it doesn't, they all rush back to familiar territory to jump start their careers. Here's are scale from the worst to best.

Dynasty
Final Episode: May 1989
Breakout Stars: Heather Locklear, Emma Samms (just kidding)
Reunion: Dynasty: The Reunion aired in August 1991. The came back for another go-round Dynasty Reunion: Catfights and Caviar in 2006.
Cause: There were some cliffhanger plotlines to tie up, and really, nobody was doing anything else. Also, shoulder pads were about to go out of style, so they had to do it to save on the wardrobe budget.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: So bad it's campy.

Firefly
Final Episode: August 2003
Breakout Stars: Does anyone beside us and hardcore Joss Whedon fans even remember this?
Reunion: Serenity hit movie theaters in September, 2005
Cause: To try to get someone, anyone, to finally watch this thing. It failed.
Held Out: 2 years
Respectability: Did it have any to start with?

Sex and the City
Final Episode: February 2004
Breakout Stars: Sarah Jessica Parker, who was the biggest show when the series started. Everyone else found out there really aren't any roles for women over 30.
Reunion: Sex and the City: The Movie came out in May 2008 and broke box office records. A sequel is planned
Cause: These ladies needed a way to make some money. And, obviously, cosmo-swilling Midwestern "fashionistas" demanded it.
Held Out: 4 years.
Respectability: Shameless.

The X-Files
Final Episode: May 2002
Breakout Stars: David Duchovny, who was only a recurring character on the show's final two seasons, is doing quite well on Californication.
Reunion: X-Files: I Want to Believe, the second movie based on the show, failed at the box office in July of 2008.
Cause: We still haven't figured this one out.
Held Out: 6 years.
Respectability: Pretty lame.

Seinfeld
Final Episode: May 1998
Breakout Stars: All of them, but the biggest has been Larry David, now of Curb Your Enthusiasm who wasn't even an actor on the show. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is still holding down The Adventures of Old Christine. Jerry Seinfeld sits in his house and counts his money, only leaving occasionally to do stand-up, American Express commercials, and The Bee Movie. Jason Alexander had a few failed sitcoms and KFC commercials. Michael Richards had a racist rant that ruined his career.
Reunion: On the cover of Entertainment Weekly August 2009.
Cause: They'll all guest on Curb Your Enthusiasm this year, where a Seinfeld reunion becomes a meta plot point. For a giggle. They're all still rolling in residuals.
Held Out: 11 years.
Respectability: High.

Facts of Life
Final Episode: May 1988
Breakout Stars: Nancy McKeon was a Lifetime fixture before going to rock the tween set on the Disney Channel's Sonny with a Chance. George Clooney did two seasons.
Reunion: The Facts of Life Reunion aired on ABC in November 2001
Cause: Because the gays thought it would be fun and Mrs. Garrett wasn't getting any younger.
Held Out: 13 years.
Respectability: Surprising good. This also seems to be the exception that proves the rule, either that or all the girls have given up on acting careers.

Saved by the Bell
Final Episode: May 1993 (we're not counting The College Years, which ended in 1994)
Breakout Stars: Mark-Paul Gosselaar did the later seasons of NYPD Blue and is now a hit on cable's Raising the Bar. Tiffani Amber Thiessen did 90210, Two Guys, A Girl, and A Pizza Place, Fastlane, and Good Morning, Miami. Elizabeth Berkley did Showgirls and became a Hollywood punchline, Mario Lopez danced with stars, and Dustin Diamond released a sex tape.
Reunion: The cover of People in August 2009.
Cause: Because it was either that or Jimmy Kimmel.
Held Out:16 years.
Respectability: Amazing!

I guess People offered the gang more money than they could get out of Late Night, but the magazine reportedly does briefly mention Fallon's reunion quest while still basically pretending the entire thing was its editors' own idea. But there is hope for Jimmy Fallon: the absence of Screech in People does bode well for an actual real full-on reunion on his show. And he has Mr. Belding, too!

And I'm not exactly sure why this exists, other than because of a desire on Tiffani's part to have her own viral video like her former co-star Mark Paul Gosselaar did when he appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show in character as Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell - but I'm a sucker for any Indigo Girls joke. And despite a little too much self-congratulation masked as self-parody (Funny Or Die's bread and butter these days), this does have its funny moments. Cat videos!:

Apparently so. Lopez Twittered the revelation last night, noting that: "Nice guy.Very shy and quiet. Loves moose hunting. Told me he's a half Mexican! Whoa." Woah, indeed. We're not going to imply that Sarah Palin's family - who reportedly gave daughter Bristol a car to breakup with Levi - are racists or anything, but, uh, wonder if they knew this, right?

Latino blog Guanabee tried to do some deductive research on the matter: his mother's name is Sherry, so they doubt that she's the Mexican half, and according to them, his father hasn't made any appearances since Levi started hitting the press circuit. It's a little hard to believe that this hasn't come out or been a headline until now, because the fact that Levi's mom raised her kids single is a pretty significant point in the whole Palin-Johnston child-rearing saga: a vice-preisidental candidate, and (incredibly) possible future presidential candidate - who ran a platform of traditional family values - gets her daughter to dump the father of her baby (and raise the kid "single") for a car.

Palin's conservative and right-leaning on family welfare issues, and some of the most in-need citizens in this country facing a welfare crisis are single parents. And Johnston, the teenage father of Palin's out-of-wedlock-born granddaughter, was raised by one. I'm not sure what the exact idiom on family issues being cyclical is, but feel free to pipe in with one: this is kind of the perfect example.

Levi Johnston Is Half Mexican. SARAH PALIN'S GRANBABY IS MEXICAN. [Guanabee]

The following people are available for appearances, according to this shrieky email. Book your favorite now. January is boring. Spice it up with a gummy idiot reality TV star who desperately needs the work. Can't you for once think of the needy among us?

• "Daisy De La Hoya now has her own show coming to VH1 and yes, she is taking offers for appearances so secure your city and date now. New Years Eve is available."
• "Watch for Mario [Lopez] on the new season of Nip/Tuck Many more TV shows still coming to air soon and available only Saturday's. Looking for parties to secure Saturday's in January plus expenses for 3 people (schedule permitting). Watch him in the new season of Nip Tuck."
• "MTV's Real World Brooklyn cast are now available for appearances!" It's true! One already made a fun-filled appearance on my Chinatown bus.
• "Megan Hauserman from "I Love Money" has her own show coming soon to VH1, "Trophy Wife" and available!" Oh, but don't plan for New Year's: "Megan is booked in Sabbatus, Maine for NYE @ MIXERS."
• "Dr. 90210 Will Kirby now available for appearances."
• "Adrienne Bailon also featured on The Kardasians [sic] TV show & The CHEETAH GIRLS off tour now- appearances are available at this time. Only Adrienne and Kiely are available."
• "Main man Jo Jo and Brittany Fuchs on MOMMA's Boy TV show are available for appearances at this time. Now."
• "THE HILLS cast member - Jason Wahler available for appearances!"
• "Carmen Electra is always looking for offers to make appearances depending on where, when and how much. Secure your city now."
• "Mikalah Gordon and Diana DeGarmo from American Idol were recently on the CMT's Reality Show "Gone Country". They are affordable [Ed. note: Devastating] and available now to meet and greet fans being requested all over the world."
• " MR BELDING known from Saved By The Bell series and many college parties is available for appearances!

The Lady Sheridan (the boat Mary is on) is 190 ft long, sleeps 12 guests and 15 crew. It costs $476,000 PER WEEK to charter. I'm sure NS readers can really relate. At least nobody is being fooled anymore about who pays for her daily designer shopping sprees.

Nice!

Party Type 1: Oh, This Is Nice
You usually end up at this party after Tanya can't come into town after all and cancels or you were just too darn busy to make good plans, real plans, ahead of time. So you put on a sweater you got for Christmas or the cocktail dress you bought for Debbie's engagement party that you never wore again, and drag some poor unwitting sap of a friend to the party where you don't really know anyone. It's super awkward at first and you just stand by the cheese and crackers, nodding your head to the music, furtively gulping room-temperature chardonnay and furiously wishing for midnight. That way you can hug and kiss the host—she's Tom's friend from work—on the cheek and be on your merry way. What you forget, of course, is that everyone at this party is awkward, and everyone is furtively gulping booze so round about 11:15 er'body's crunk and having deep, sloshy meaningful conversations with each other and your friend is making out with some dude in the hallway and it's sort of the best-slash-worst party you've ever been to. See, the key is to not expect much from New Year's eve. Then it has potential to be great fun. Until you wake up the next morning and you vaguely remember telling that cute guy with the glasses about the time you peed your pants on the R train and you might have cried at one point and oh god you can never, ever see any of those people ever again.

Party Type 2: There's a Place Just a Few Blocks Up
Another product of poor planning. You've cobbled together a group of friends, some are visiting from out of town!, and you're psyched and ready to go except no one made dinner reservations and oh fuck aren't you supposed to like pay a hundred bucks to get inside a bar and stay there all night or something? No worries. There's this Italian place on 7th that's always empty and maybe that bar we went to that time won't be so full. What you end up doing is eating a hasty, bad, too-expensive meal then trudging from bar to bar to bar because everything is too crowded. You're blessed with one friend who keeps complaining that you guys are walking too fast and her shoes are killing her and another who is suspiciously shitfaced. (The culprit is later revealed to be a well-hidden flask). Then everyone gets mad and starts snapping at each other and someone finally yells "I just want to be somewhere, anywhere inside, at midnight. Not wandering around on the street." So you go to the worst, first bar you can find and have a couple beers and hug meekly at twelve then drink some more, and then the secret ninja drunk is trying to coax a stranger at the bar to do untoward things so it's time to take them home and who's going where and let's split cabs maybe? No? OK, fine. Good night. Let's actually make a plan next year, and ugh. You hate New Year's. It's never what you want it to be.

Party Type 3: At the Clurrrrrb
You paid $150 for an unlimited fount (if you can ever actually get to the bar) of watered-down well vodka and sodas! There are swirling lights and meaty guys with shimmer-shirts fist pumping and yelling "you my boy!" or "Ima wreck you, son!" and zomg, Kim Kardashian or someone is hosting! These are the worst kind of New Year's Eve parties, in my opinion, because you're trapped in a terrible place with terrible people but you spent all this money and what else would you be doing anyway? (see above) The celebrity-hosted ones (though they may be in short supply this year) are the worst because they're getting paid a ton to be there and act like they're having fun, while you are paying a ton to be there and act like you're having fun. Will you be enjoying New Year's Eve this year at Marquee in New York City? The celebrity emcee is none other than Dancing With the Stars runner-up and Wedding in Las Vegas megastar Mario Lopez. Your straight boyfriend will just love that, won't he. Disco dancin' while some half-a-fag Carebear stares his dimples at all the ladays. Enjoy it.

Party Type 4: Oh, We Went to Bed at 11
This is mostly your parents. Or it was mostly your parents and, shriek!, now it's you. You are tired and who wants to spend the money anyway. You put the bottle of champagne that someone brought over for a party months ago into the freezer and sit on the couch watching Father of the Bride: Part II, flicking back occasionally to the Dick Clark/Ryan Seacrest annual Times Square is a Miserable Shithole Rockin' Eve and vow to stay up and watch the ball drop and call your friends (or kids) who are out enjoying themselves. Maybe you're with one other person, I dunno. What ends up happening is that you fall asleep on the couch, snore through midnight, wake up with a start at 1:15, turn off the TV (which is now showing a M*A*S*H rerun), and shuffle off to bed. The next day you'll spend some time cleaning the broken champagne bottle glass out of the freezer then walking around the corner to get a bagel. It'll be like the opening in Shaun of the Dead when he doesn't realize everyone else is zombies. An empty, slightly destroyed cityscape and just you alone, strolling along. Because you didn't go out last night. And you're not sure if you're sad about it.

Party Type 5: Auld Lang Syne
And then sometimes it just works out. Your house party is awesome and everyone comes and has a great time. Or it was just the perfect bar. Or the couch was just fine and you (and, if you're lucky, someone special) curled up and enjoyed being home. And then at midnight everyone around you felt very close by, and those who couldn't make it felt very far away, and you smiled and hugged and maybe sang and just gushed about how wonderful New Year's is, really how wonderful. When else throughout the year, throughout life, do we ever all gather to celebrate the passing of time, rather than mourn it? It's a good, ancient thing. And something we should do more often.

Or maybe you're just drunk and it's just another nice night. And that's enough to be happy for.

After Lopez told Cruise that he made his Broadway debut in the same theater Katie Holmes was currently performing in ("That's outstanding!" barked Cruise), he asked the actor why he chose the Valkyrie role of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg. “I knew I was interested in the film," Cruise answered. "I always wanted to kill Hitler so Stauffenberg and I had that in common." Sadly, Lopez neglected to ask a follow-up about the four-year-old Cruise's elaborate fantasy to travel back in time and assassinate Hitler with a well-timed, sharpened Crayola crayon (periwinkle, natch) to the throat. [Extra]

In it, quadruple threat host Mario Lopez—he acts, dances, crunches, and reads showbiz news copy!—capably sums up not just our report, but The View's ensuing damage control campaign. Not only did Whoopi hit the Regis high-chair, but she also reassured GMA's Diane Sawyer that no one's life is in immediate danger—in fact, they all love each other! Yes, yes, we're sure that's all true, ladies, but can we suggest bringing back that effective split-screen technique that hastened Rosie O'Donnell's departure? You're really losing half the fun if the camera misses Joy silently mouthing, "IwillburnyoudownIwillburnyoudown" while Elisabeth defends her theories that a 19-year-old Barack Obama was the one who gave John Hinckley, Jr. his Reagan-shooting marching orders. [Extra]

Previously:

• DEFAMER EXCLUSIVE: Backstage Elisabeth/Joy Blowup Rocks 'The View'
• 'View' Catfight Of The Century Part 2: Joy Tells Hasselbeck 'You Make A Fool Of Yourself!'

Meanwhile, in addition to Ms. Stone and Mr. Nolte, this installment includes Miley Cyrus, Elijah Wood, Jerry O' Connell, Mario Lopez, Tom Cavanagh, Hank Azaria, Milo Ventimiglia, Joel Madden, and more. Onward!

Thursday, Oct. 9

· Rock N' Roll Ralphs on the late night. A sour-faced MILO VENTIMIGLIA enters looking ever the dick in a white shirt and black slacks. This guy is miniscule. I don't know if that's why he was pissed off or what. Maybe his First Communion rehearsal didn't go so well.

Wednesday, Oct. 8

· This was taken today, the day after his fire, NICK NOLTE at Starbucks in malibu. Looking actually in very good spirits. he was with the guy in the tank top.

· Just walked past MARIO LOPEZ inside Equinox in WeHo... Surprisingly, he was wearing a shirt.

Sunday, Oct. 5

· TOM CAVANAGH, TV's "Ed", with his wife and children on AA flight 185 from JFK to LAX.

· I began my day by watching old movies on cable, on of which was Intersection (1994, Richard Gere, Sharon Stone, Lolita Davidovich). Fast foward, same day, Bristol Farms Beverly Hills, 4:07 (I looked at my receipt). I picked up a few things and am standing on line at checkout and looking at this woman in the next checkout over thinking, hmmm, that woman looks like SHARON STONE and it was. We both ended up leaving at the same time and I told her about my movie morning and she laughed and said "How funny!" I asked her how she was doing (why, I don't know) she replied "Good!" and then I told her how great she looked and she smiled and thanked me. So pleasant and nice. Then in the parking lot, I neary dropped my bag as no less than 3 paps jumped at her and clicked away. One helped her with her bags to her new back Bentley convertible.... She did nothing but smile, thank and wave. And that was the day I lost my paparazzi virginity, with Sharon Stone. I need a cigarette.

Saturday, Oct. 4

· All at the Swell Season show at the Greek: CHRISTINE TAYLOR, HANK AZARIA, JEREMY SISTO. I'm glad they all have good taste in music. Glen and Marketa had just recorded their voices for The Simpsons the day before so that's probably why Hank was there. No Matthew Perry tho? He's been at every single Swell Season/Frames show I've seen in the past year.

Thursday, Oct. 2

· Saw everyone’s favorite Hipster Hobbit ELIJAH WOOD at the Sigur Ros at The Greek on Thursday night. I’ve read he’s got great taste in music, so this is no real surprise.

Tuesday, Sept. 30

· I saw JOEL MADDEN getting coffee in Westwood early this morning. At first I didn't notice, but Nicole Richie was also there with their baby. She was dressed casually and was super tiny. I'm not tall, but I was definitely taller than him as well. Once Madden got his coffee they quickly disappeared. All I could figure was that they were taking the baby for a check up at the medical center.

Sunday, Sept. 28

· Spotted MILEY CYRUS at the Grove. She was with two girl friends and she surprisingly didn't look troll-like at all. And in fact looked her age.

Thursday, Sept. 25

· I was on Brooks avenue in venice this past Thursday, when who do I see getting out of his car a full block and a half from Abbot Kinney? It's the fat kid from Stand By Me (JERRY O'CONNELL), and boy did he look nervous. He parked his car, walked down the block, then went back to his car. Strange behavior in a residential neighborhood two hundred yards from Abbot Kinney. It was a at about 2:30 and there was plenty of parking on Abbot Kinney, so I figured he didn't want anyone seeing him getting out of his car here. Strange behavior, but as he walked past me in his skinny jeans and sunglasses, I said "Hey," and he ignored me. Now I know he's a long way from Calabasas, but here in Venice, it's not that unusual seeing actors and it's even less unusual to see B-grade TV actors married to hot babes. So, he should smile and say hello. However he acted nervous, and with the missus pregnant with Twins, one has to wonder what he's doing so far from home, acting stressed. Hey — wasn't he the star of Tomcats?

"My shirtless photo-shoot days are behind me," Mario Lopez tells PEOPLE in a bitter blow to beefcake.

"My TV projects are my main priority," he says. "And no, you will never see me host Extra without a shirt."

Still, to every rule there's an exception – in this case, Nip/Tuck.

Lopez says he is "thrilled" to be reprising the role of Dr. Mike Hamoui on the cable series, with Dr. Mike moving to Los Angeles – where he can once again gain the attention of the ab-admiring Dr. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) in the locker room.

"A small spoiler," says Lopez. "Dr. Mike might not be taking anymore showers at the gym with Christian, but he will lose his shirt."

Thank God: a reprieve! America, did we even know what we had before it had been briefly lost? From now on, no one is to ask questions in the rare event that Lopez goes barechested, lest the skittish actor be moved to cover up. Like a beautiful, Naired deer that could be spooked by the merest side-by-side Photoshop, Lopez is not ours any longer. He belongs to the wild.

• Mario Lopez: No More Going Shirtless [People]

Boomp3.com

Recently exiled Extra host Mark McGrath announced his plans to get revenge on Mario Lopez, the newly minted host of the show he recently vacated. McGrath got the idea when he left the popular watering hole, Crown Bar, and saw a giant sign for acting lessons. McGrath said, "If he's going to steal my hosting gigs, then I'm going to steal his acting gigs. So, get ready to see my lovely face all over Lifetime. I'm going to be your worst nightmare. I'm going to be your own personal Nedick."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Mario Lopez to host 'Extra' [Variety]

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."
• Silda and Eliot Spitzer "made only two seconds of eye contact during dinner" at Gabriel's. [P6]
• Anna Wintour is basically holding the Bill Blass fashion label together with he sweet talking and so forth. I guess in some circles she's known for that? Odd. [Post]
• Was Madonna's brother's nasty tell-all book about Madonna published by a secret cabal that includes... MADONNA HERSELF?? From what I've read of that book, she's just devious enough to try it. [P6]
• The entire celebrity media convinced themselves that Lindsay Lohan was sideswiped by a motorcycle while on foot outside a club. But apparently that was entirely fabricated, presumably by a very unambitious prankster. Also, she and Samantha Ronson were headed to Boston the other night instead of breaking up forever.
• Wham! might reunite. Because what would those songs be without Andrew Ridgeley... standing there... smiling? [Sun]
• Charlie Sheen wants full custody of his daughters after batting down apparently false molestation charges from Denise Richards. Please don't say a divorce can't get any uglier than this, because then it totally will. [Sun]
• Ha ha, try dodging the Post and they'll take a picture of you without your shirt on, even if you are some big shot Catholic who totally bro'd down with Anne Hathaway's ex. [Post]
• Mario Lopez's biceps are replacing not one but both Extra hosts. [Post]
• LA boutique Kitson has dropped Lauren Conrad's collection due to poor sales. [OK!]

Apparently honesty isn't always the best policy for Mario Lopez.

Last week, Star told you that Mario was double-timing his recent ex, Karina Smirnoff, with a Hooters waitress. Now, we've caught him telling another fib.

Recently named to a magazine's hot bachelor list, Mario was asked during the accompanying interview if he "manscapes," which means removing excess body hair via waxing, shaving, laser or plucking. He responded, "Not at all. That's the Latin Indian blood in me. My Dad has a hairy chest, but I don't."

So how come he has a hairy chest in this 2003 photo... and a bare one in a more recent one?

J'accuse! Reader "blah" recoiled in shock, spitting, "What a liar! You can see the stubble on his ta'ta's... He is a complete loser!!" But perhaps no one was more hurt than "chris," who said, "I think Mario is pretty dishonest. He talks about how religious he is, and has such a strong faith. Excuse me...since when is not being honest ok?"

Indeed, Chris! Did Moses (or whoever) die for our sins so that Mario Lopez could lie to Hollywood publications about his smooth chest? Who among us will stand idly by while the pecs of Hollywood's so-called "Christians" go unchecked? Kudos, Star magazine: only one tabloid had the guts to adhere to that most forgotten of commandments (Commandment 9c): "thou shalt not worship false razors."

[Photo Credit: Star Magazine]

• Did Mario Lopez Fib about His Hairy Situation?! [Star Magazine]

According to the not-yet-out piece, The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, nude photo aficionado and recent recipient of a brand new pair of boobs, is so focused on maintaining her widely-seen curves that she sports those 4-inch health-impairing stilettos every Sex And The City fan thinks will turn them into Carrie Bradshaw while cleaning house. And thin-as-a-rail Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly uncomfortably yammers on about how she once weighed in at an apparently unacceptable 135 pounds and “literally stopped eating...I’d do Bikram yoga and go to bed. I lost 15 pounds in one month.” We hope the John Mayer tossaway can forgive us for not immediately rising to our feet and giving Minka a standing ovation.

Even picky sperm selector Denise Richards goes overboard in her interview, treating the TVG reporter like a shrink and leaning on her oft-used plea for pity by referencing her recently passed mother: “After my mom died last year, I gained at least 10 pounds. I know because TMZ was kind enough to publish pictures of me looking very, very soft in the stomach.” How refreshing to discover the secret to overcoming grief caused by the death of a family member: just obsessively google images of yourself in a bikini and concentrating on going down a jean size or two! As for the self-professed chunky toddler, A.C. Slater-turned-reality-trash-host Mario Lopez says he “never feels awake unless I’m sweating,” and tells the mag he exercises “for a minimum of one hour a day.” Which sounds about right, considering his current career responsibilities are limited to applying hair gel before “judging” street dance crews alongside J.C. Chasez!

[Photo credits: Getty]

• TV GUIDE [TVG]