If you are a member of the savvy “millennial” generation you stand for two things: authenticity, and hipness. And you know god damn well in your little black hearts that no bank is more authentic—and hip—than Bank of America.

Bad yogurt company Chobani, whose product is to “Greek yogurt” what fermented urine is to champagne, has stooped to an outrageous, sexy new low in trying to distract the public from the taste of its pasty goo.

Before you run your mouth on Twitter, think to yourself: would I be okay with some scared intern in digital marketing using my own words to sell their dumb product? That’s what happened to this young woman. Beware!

The “millennial” generation loves nothing more than advertising, except for allegedly humorous “Vines” that they force you to watch on their iPhones, at parties, which is inappropriate. The point is: advertisers are over millennials and their bullshit.

The internet is full of “video ads” that some highly paid corporate marketing officer paid tons of money to some advertising firm to produce. Nobody is watching that shit.

Hey readers, did you hear the news that fancy grocery chain Whole Foods is going to open a new chain of stores targeting millennials?

“Virtually no one in the survey said the ad industry acts with integrity; it was ranked at the bottom of the list of other industries including financial institutions, the legal profession, the pharmaceutical industry and the newspaper industry.” Even below Congress.

It seems that “Big Food” will never truly understand the desires of you, the regular American consumer, who just wants a tasty dang hot dog, is that too much to ask after a hard day?? A little flavor??

Vice is a company that would like you to think it is cool all of the time. In fact, Vice is only cool when it does stories about Ebola and stuff. It is not so cool when it tries to be the cool face of Bank of America, which would like to rip you off.

Now more than ever, America is truly a cultural melting pot (or at least a cauldron). In less than 30 years, whites will lose their majority, and we will be a nation composed solely of minorities. How will America cope? By marketing, of course.

As the trade winds that blow across the seas are always in flux, so too are the diaper-buying trends of parents around the world. A powerful metaphor? Yes.

Companies will spend $540 billion globally on advertising this year, an amount greater than the gross domestic product of Argentina. Monetize yourself better, Argentina. You're an embarrassment.

Okay, well, now Starbucks is planning on starting a national dialogue on race that will consist of talking to your Starbucks barista, about race. What are you doing, Starbucks? What? Are? You doing?

"Perhaps the surest sign of Vice's impact is its influence on culture: It is perceived by many (including marketers at top agencies and brands) as the arbiter of cool."