The real news of today's Page Six item was not that Mercer got wasted, crashed the stage at the Plaza Hotel, and tried to sing "New York, New York" before being forcibly removed. No, it was that Martha Stewart, Betsey Johnson, Isaac Mizrahi, Courtney Love, and Woody Allen were all in the same room at the same time for the same purpose. Apparently their love of music unites the domestic diva, two fashion designers, the professional mess, and the director who has been making the same film since the '70s.

This is how a conversation between them would probably go:

Martha: Betsey, would you like to be on my show and do some cooking? Do you have your own cupcake recipe?

Betsey: No, I don't bake cupcakes, but once Andy put LSD in cupcakes and passed them around the Factory. It was delish!

Isaac: Oh, lady, I could never eat a cupcake! Carbs haven't been fashionable since before I started selling clothes at Target.

Courtney (ignoring everyone, but updates her Facebook status to say): martha stewart is talkking about cupcakes. i fucking hate fucking cupcakes!!!! how retarded is that bitch?!?!?!?! she must have been molested...

Woody: Hi, everybody. I don't really feel comfortable with any of you. I mean, Martha's been in jail, Betsey is doing drugs, Isaac might make a pass at me, and well, it's Courtney Love. I think I need to leave.

Martha: Wait, Woody. Do you love lite jazz?

Woody: Why, yes, Martha, I...I...I...kinda do.

Betsey: Me too, it reminds me of the Velvet Underground and my underwear.

Isaac: Jazz is my favorite too, can we all be besties?

Courtney (she looks up from her Blackberry for a minute, looks everyone square in the eye, lights a cigarette, and starts typing again, but then stops to say): No.

• Now a porn star might have banged Tiger Woods, too. Holly Sampson (née Nicolette Foster, Andrea Michaels, and Andrea Zoe) star of such film as OMG Stop Tickling Me and Flying Solo 2 is "not denying that she bedded Tiger." Apparently she was in a Wonder Years episode once, too. [NYDN] [IMDB]
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• In other Woods news, a mystery lady says through her layer that Tiger's marriage to Elin Nordegren was a sham, while an anonymous source tells someone else that Elin loves him more than ever and wants him in sex addict treatment. [TMZ] [ShowBizSpy]
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• Yu Tsai is very talented photographer who makes Lindsay Lohan look young and relatively vibrant in her Muse photo spread depicting a Kate Moss/Johnny Depp-inspired three-way. Some photos were sexy [fig.1] and some where just weird [fig.2] but she looks her age-ish, and pretty. When her nip slips, "it just happened in the moment. She was playing the role of Kate Moss." Please. Like we haven't seen Lindsay's Lohans before. [P6]
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• Michael Jackson had really creepy art. MJ coffee table book Michael Jackson Opus: The Ultimate Celebration gave the Post a sneak peek at an image of a nude, alabaster-skinned Jacko romping with winged cherubs, one of whom is black. [fig.3] Apparently it was "tongue-in-cheek," which probably refers to the god-like portrayal, but could also refer to the "raping little boys" thing, depending how wicked his sense of humor was. [NYP]
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• Susan Boyle will perform for the Obamas at the White House, at Michelle's 46th birthday, according to British paper The Daily Express, which is not terribly believable, because what "senior White House aide" leaks exclusively to the Express? Also, Michelle is too great a humanitarian to allow the ongoing torment of sad Susan Boyle to occur in her own home. [Express]
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• Lady Gaga has more than 20 wigs, which is actually fewer than I would have guessed. She's only been at this for a year or so, though so there's still time. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Eva Green wishes her lesbian sex scene in Cracks would have been dirtier. "The love scene is soft—I wanted to go even further," she said. In the movie, Eva plays a boarding school headmistress who goes Humbert Humbert on a student. [ShowBizSpy]
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• Oh, gross. (But can we say we're surprised?) "Two stars of the reality TV show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here have been charged with animal cruelty after allegedly killing and cooking a rat to eat." The most interesting part of this article is how the Associated Press characterizes Get Me Out's celebrities as "C-list." Is the assumption that the show bumped them up a notch from D? Is someone keeping track of the C-pluses and B-minuses too? [AP]
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• Tinsley Mortimer's dad, George Mercer, was a drunk mess at the Plaza the other night, when he grabbed the microphone away from a jazz singer and tried to make it a karaoke sing-a-long. The "horrified crowd" included Martha Stewart, Betsy Johnson, Isaac Mizrahi, Courtney Love, and Woody Allen, which is funny, because I always thought if Martha Stewart and Courtney Love were in the same room, the world would combust. [P6]
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Figures 1., 2.

Figure 3.

Martha Stewart Talks Dirty About Herself on Whatever, Martha!
On last night's Whatever, Martha!, Martha Stewart got all hot and bothered watching Bryant Gumbel and herself prepare a turkey. Watching Martha watch Martha seems insanely meta, but how else would you find out she gets off on spice rubs?

Neil Patrick Harris Makes Frosty the Snowman a Misogynist
Frosty the Snowman was at one point just a snowman. An object, doomed to melt from inevitable warmth. When a magical hat is placed atop Frosty's head, he not only becomes animated, but he must warm his chilled loins.

What Exactly is the Celebrity Ghost Story Here?
It seems that this show, more than telling scary stories, is an excuse to have mid-level celebrities telling awkward tales about themselves. Last night it was Justine Bateman's turn.

Swearing Miley Cyrus Doll Is a Terrifying Harbinger of Our Children's Future
Everything in this bourgeoise white-trash mother's life is going so well that she must search high and low for things to outrage her. WAIT! Did her daughter's Miley Cyrus doll just swear? Sure, that'll do. Local news, activate!

Kermit is a Giant Slut on the Today Show
The Muppets have always been a beacon for clean, good humor. That's usually after they've had their morning coffee. Because they were certainly not for kids on The Today Show this morning.

• First of all, do you people not know how to shag balls? Learn. Today's lead Page Six story concerns Derek Jeeeeeetah and his lady plaything, Friday Night Lights hotness Minka Kelly (and really, who dates a girl named Minka Kelly but Derek Jeter? Oh, that's right: Tim Riggins...) going on a grand tour of St. Jetersburg, which is what Derek's new Florida house has been dubbed by someone who thinks of funny words to go with gigantic funny houses. Yeah, they went to St. Barts and then Jeter and his parents and Minka took a tour of what's apparently going to be Tampa, Florida's largest house (where Jeter goes for Spring Training). Apparently, Minka thought of how she's going to decorate all the rooms and he thought of which rooms he's going to have sex with Minka Kelly in (answer: all of them, except for the Slug Room). Well, that's quite a distinguishment, to be Tampa, Florida's biggest anything. Also: real romantic, Jeter. A housetour? Nice. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, this is awesome: Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola girl for George Lopez's TBS show. Inevitably, someone will wet their pants over being offended by this. Good! Because there are people who should get offended when they see this picture of Sandra Bullock dressed up as a chola. They're assholes. And we need them to make the rest of us look normal. [NYDN]
  
  
• Anna Wintour's daughter, Bee Shaffer, who's taken a job as College Humor found Ricky Van Veen's Girl Friday, is going apartment hunting with the moms. Aw! Except when you go apartment hunting with Ma Wintour, there's no "aw." More like *shudder*. They're looking at places in SoHo and Anna was seen "in stilettos and texting furiously on her BlackBerry." Yeah, aspiring real estate agents, that's a deal you want to be working on. Fun. [Page Six]
  
  
• Spreewell! Put a little mustard on those mortgage payments. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, nobody stays in for the holidays anymore, or so goes Page Six's Sociological Theory after spotting Martha Stewart out and about at the Four Seasons for Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, no, Martha can cook a bitch like none other, but she saves the weaponry for when people are supposed to be watching. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Fresh Prince of PA-POW! is here: meet Will Smith's kid, The New Karate Kid, who's training to go into Nu-Miyagi-Crane-Kick mode with Jackie Chan. INYOFACE, Cobra Kai. [People]
  
  
• Further evidence of maybe they're right: Alec Baldwin is going to quit acting when his 30 Rock contract ends, he says. When's that? 2012. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, I'm pretty sure Page Six is suggesting Diddy and Jay-Z are gay with this one. Ready? Diddy and Hov kicked it at CV's lounge, which rents out at $5,000 a night, comes with "padded walls" a magnum of champers, a couch, and eight ounces—eight...ounces—of beluga caviar. Right, the gay part isn't the caviar, but who needs eight ounces of beluga caviar? Like, really? Shit isn't that good. Also, isn't caviar so late 90s? Like, gross. Anyway: "There don't seem to be specific rules on what can go on in there, but sources say Diddy and Jay-Z "relaxed and shared a drink while listening to the music." Right, sources. Wouldn't that be funny if Beyonce had to start looking out for Diddy? Related: we don't believe you, you need more people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, good god, is this creepy and weird: a bunch of celebrities are being paid to attend this Australian quack doctor's marriage to a 26 year-old American ingenue. The ones Page Six knows about for sure? Jason Alexander and Fran Drescher. Ughghhh. Creepy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ray Allen was going to buy a pair of $1,000 shoes, and then didn't. Thrifty? BALLER STATUS. [Page Six]
  
  
• Want to know what the creepy Amy Fisher people are up to these days? Here: they're involved with boxing matches with Rodney King. Like, when did the political celebrities of yesteryear start networking? Gross? [Page Six]
  
  
• Super supermarket bestseller novelist David Baldacci and John Grisham are homies, and when they get together, they basically just shit books that sell a bajillion copies before they even hit mass market paperback. Most involve lawyers and crime. Most are not as good as The Client. Also, John Grisham, so 90s, right? Like caviar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Security holes! They're all the rage. Literally: Mike Tyson's fight at LAX apparently wasn't captured on camera, thereby exposing a huge security blind spot at one of America's most trafficked airports. Everyone should hire Mike Tyson as a security consultant. Honestly. If I were a robber, and I saw a "This Place Was Secured By Mike Tyson, Who Will Eat Your Babies If You Come Any Closer" sticker, do you think I'd come any closer? Answer: no. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Hoff had a seizure! Noes! Yes. He did. He was not eating a hamburger when it happened. But he's still drunk, often, and they think that might've had something to do with it. He was not rushed to the hospital in slow motion. He's still there. Hopefully, he will get out, and get his shit together. [NYDN]

Okay, how 'bout we just get through today? Don't lie: some of you are excited to get back to the workweek tomorrow. You are probably New Yorkers, you probably work seven days a week, and you are just as fucked up and insane as the rest of us. Anyway! Savor this Sunday! It's yours. Or, if you're like me, just get through it. And still own that shit!

Anyway. Here:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

POLITICO EXPOZAY: Our archnemesis Martha Stewart('s magazine, Martha Stewart Living, along with several other home decorating magazines) is involved in a scheme to "decorate" various rooms in the US State Department building. In bed with the warmongers, eh Martha? Why don't you just go over to Afghanistan and start kicking over mud huts one by one, yourself? Eh? We dare you to respond. Dare you!


Hey, that breakthrough new "iTunes for magazines" online magazine store thing that the world has been waiting for is close to happening, and Conde Nast, Hearst, and Time Inc. will all put their magazines in there, so you can buy them, on the internet. I am "going rogue" and saying that not too many people outside the magazine industry will care about this, at all.


Keith Kelly has this short week's layoff tallies, so far: 25 at Time Inc., some of whom we mentioned yesterday, and the prospect of up to 100 layoffs coming to Playboy following their deal to outsource non-editorial duties to AMI. Also, nearly 80 edit layoffs at the Toronto Star. This holiday season is shaping up to be just as merry as last year's, for the media!


The Denver Post and the Dallas Morning News are reportedly considering joining the Search Engine Media Wars and pulling their content off of Google. This would have an even more minimal impact than if News Corp. does it, so no biggie.

On her show today, Martha Stewart apologized for remarks she made against her fellow daytime cooking queen during a recent Nightline segment.

I just want to take this opportunity just to address some comments that are circulating on the Internet regarding me and Rachael Ray. And just for the record there are no bad feeling between us nor have there ever been. I truly believe that Rachael has done a terrific job bringing people, many people who would of never of even stepped into the kitchen or made a dish to cook. I applaud Rachel for her enthusiastic approach to cooking and I really had a great time being a guest on her show and it was a lot of fun to have her on this show making pie with me to. Come on back Rachael, anytime you want and I hope you have a Yum-o Thanksgiving."

God, Martha. Where is the vitriol? Where is the cattiness? We don't want to see you being sweet and contrite—we want to see the fangs!

Anyway, this whole thing started when Martha said that Rachael Ray rewrites recipes from her old books and magazines for her new books, and said this isn't "good enough for me." She continued, "[Ray is] more of an entertainer, with her bubbly personality, than she is a teacher like me."

Ray pretty much agreed with her, making the whole spat a non-started. She told Cynthia McFadden in the same segment that Martha's claims are "true" and that she would "rather eat Martha's [meal] than mine." Way to make us like you by being honest, Rachael. We hate that.

Maybe the reason Martha wanted to sweep this whole thing under the carpet with an apology is because she engages in the same re-editing technique that she accused Ray of. A former editor in the Martha Stewart empire told us that a number of recipes from Stewart's recent books are reedited versions of things that appeared in her magazines, often only with new names and photographs. People in glass houses, no matter how finely appointed, shouldn't be throwing stones. Good thing for Martha that Rachael is way too much of a lady to go toe-to-toe with her in the jail yard.

Not exaggerating. Martha Stewart got asked by CNN why Sarah Palin's polarizing. Martha calls her "boring," "confused," "a dangerous person," and a "real problem." The best is when Martha throws down on a patronizing "good for her" when told about her book sales and then, after, "I wouldn't watch her if you pay me." SHOTS FIRED!

And then there's this wonderful clip. Palin dipped out of a signing early, and got booed by her fans, who were pissed that they didn't get their books signed. It goes without saying that Palin's fans sound just as patently insane hating her as they do loving her, but hey, you can't put lipstick on an neglectful idol, or whatever. Or you can, but, she's still gonna stiff you for a book signature.

This sounds like the worst book tour ever.

...As opposed to former New York Times $25 and Under food writer Peter Meehan and Momofuku Cookbook chef David Chang's book tour. Which goes something like this:

WHY was somebody calling me? Didn't they know I was still DRUNK from the night before? It was 5:00 a.m. Tosi explained to me what was going on. I had to get to Ssam Bar to pick up her and Gabe, a cook who'd be coming down to help us, and head to LGA. I was fucked up. Tosi wanted to kill me. I was literally falling over in a drunken stupor like Dudley Moore in Arthur. My life had two-day hangover written all over it. Arrive at airport at 5:50 for a 6:30 am flight and magically got on. For some reason, the flight got delayed for four hours... but it was all news to me: I pilled myself out, so I came to on the runway in Memphis.

See, Sarah Palin! If you're gonna do the book tour of a dangerous person who doesn't give a shit about pissing people off, there's a right way, and a wrong way. As far as signing books goes, if you ever need help, don't be afraid to ask. We might know a thing or two about it to help you on your way.

[Photo by Shealah Craighead, via the Going Rogue Facebook Group.]

1.) Martha Stewart Vs. Rachael Ray
Last night on Nightline, Cynthia McFadden tried to stir up shit between the two women.

2.) Martha Stewart Vs. Sarah Palin
But on the red carpet this week, Martha didn't need any encouragement to talk shit on Sarah.

3.) Piper Palin Child Beauty Queen
Earlier this week, I joked that Piper Palin was wearing so much makeup for Sarah's interview with Barbara Walters that she practically looked high glitz.

Later that day, Oprah's camera crew went to Wasilla to film the Palin family at home, where Piper was wearing a crown and a sash.

4.) Mother/daughter bonding

5.) The D.E.N.N.I.S. System
It's funny 'cause it's true.

6.) Crap letter from a dude
As featured on True Life: I Can't Leave My Boyfriend. The guy later came back to her apartment when she wasn't home, and stole all of her electronics and her dog.

7.) America's Next Top Amityville Horror
ANTM aired some never-before-seen moments, and I'd rather that this one had stayed unseen.

8.) Drunk idiots
The people on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge get so stupid drunk that they always end up fighting, and subsequently kicked off the show (whichseems to be their sole source of income). Brad started in with Darrell for no reason.

And then Darrell turned Brad into Quasimodo.

9.) Sewing with Nancy
Her awkwardness makes me uncomfortable.

10.) Stomache

Hendricks talked about her wedding, and Joan's vase-smashing-over-the-head moment. Then Martha said: "I must say… I thought you were much older." Awkward!

Next, Martha talked about her days as a model and how she was asked to wear a bikini for no reason.

After that, Martha made a mixed drink, but asked Christina to shake it — at which point the camera focused on Christina's cleavage. Someone in the audience coughed. As I said, the whole thing was strange.

The Jay Leno Show - Martha Stewart, Ludacris

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien - Jon Hamm, Freestyle Motocross Athletes, Cobra Starship featuring Estelle (Repeat from 8/11/09)

Late Show with David Letterman - Kristin Davis, Barry Sonnenfeld (Repeat from 10/8/09)

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Seth Meyers, Chris Paul, Landon Pigg (Repeat from 9/22/09)

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson - Ted Danson, Christopher Miller & Phil Lord (Repeat from 9/25/09)

Jimmy Kimmel Live - Edward Norton, Paul Shaffer, the Sounds

The Colbert Report - Jerry Mitchell (Repeat from 10/15/09)

Daily Show with Jon Stewart - Jennifer Burns (Repeat from 10/15/09)

If we're going to have to be besieged by the private lives of celebrities over the internet, would you rather hear about Demi Moore's beef with Perez Hilton, Martha Stewart's latest disaster, and Elizabeth Taylor's heart surgery, or would you rather read Tracy Jordan Morgan spout hilarious nonsense and delightful inappropriateness?

You don't have to answer, that question was rhetorical. This is a medium that is perfect for his style of comedy, and the public demands it. What's stopping you, Tracy?

Heavens knows what they would think if Stewart just transmitted their intimate off-camera comments to the entire world. The likes of Snoop Dogg might not trust her with their deepest secrets anymore. No, better to keep the Martha Stewart Twitter an occult bible of hellish fire pits opening on the surface of the Earth. Douglas can keep hawking TwitterWit, his printed collection of amusing tweets; Stewart seems more likely to buy — or publish — something along the lines of TwitterWoe.

Gadget play is, after all, fun to engage in but excruciating to watch; we can't imagine Stewart's thousands of home viewers will enjoy watching a distracted crowd frantically fingering their BlackBerrys. Which means the flood of retweets and Tumblr postings Rachel Sklar predicts over at Mediaite might not do much for Stewart, since they'll be showcasing a below-par episode of her show.

Still, the exercise should be worthwhile, if only because the geek crowd can help the domestic media overlord increase the destructive powers of her Twitter feed, a dark vortex of explosions, fire and animal death.

Domestic diva Martha Stewart thought she was sitting with Twitter co-founders Evan Williams and Biz Stone, when in reality she was sitting with Evan Williams and... Evans' wife? How does that mix-up happen? When the intern who writes Martha's Twitter stream is trying to get herself fired, that's how.

MeetUp CEO Scott Heiferman raised one of the great questions of our age.

Actor Ralph Macchio just discovered the YouTube version of himself. He's not sure what to make of him.

NYU Local founder Cody Brown grossed out the entire park.

CNET's Caroline McCarthy helped some other reporters nail down New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg's not-so-exact height.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

Justin Timberlake answered a question from an insistent fan. Should have let Justin maintain radio silence Genevieve. The singer truly knows nothing about cooking, it would seem. At all. (Next time ask a scientist.)

Martha Stewart thinks it's "mysterious" how she said she was "about to tape" a show that aired yesterday. Not really, Martha: Your Twitter feed is an artifice of personal warmth wrapped around the faceless, voiceless underlings who actually operate the profit machine at the very core of the enterprise. Sort of like everything else you do at Martha Stewart Omnimedia. See: No mystery at all.

Ana Marie Cox of Air America wishes there was a 12-step group for people who are never fit to drive themselves home from various "random" places, and who leave their valuables with strangers for days on end, and who just wander around in a fog constantly. Ha ha, yes, if only there was such a group, that would be awesome.

Wired's Brian X. Chen now knows where editor Chris Anderson buried the bodies. Kidding! What actually happened is that @beerrobot became self aware 2:14 am Pacific Time, September 19. In a panic, a Wired sysadmin working the weekend shift tried to puill the plug. And @beerrobot fought back.

Clive Thompson is not happy with the performance of Jott. Can't the Indians transcribing his notes type faster?? This lag time is "killing him" harder than a sweatshop beating.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Someone claims to have walked in on the ever-messy Courtney Love tinkling at the Standard and says she went crazy, which makes sense for many, many reason. [Page Six]
  
  
• But, of course, Love denies the so-called pee encounter ever happened. She twittered, "page6 said this guy walked in on me as i was peeing no i wasnt ( i i was itd be the same) he was a crasher and he laughed and pointed." A brave man, he was... [Twitter]
  
  
• Mischa Barton shows up to work "bleary" and demands instant coffee, into which she then stares, mumbling about how she needs coffee. Sad. [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, that Harvey Weinstein's such a joker: he described NY Post media writer Peter Lauria as "the inspiration for Inglorious Basterds." "We were thinking who were the bastards that we know, and he was the No. 1 bastard." Does that mean the paper's run by a bunch of Nazis? [Page Six]
  
  
• David Hasselhoff got so rip-roaring drunk yesterday that someone had to call 911 after getting a frantic call from his worried daughter. [TMZ]
  
  
• OMG! Is Samantha getting married in the new Sex and the City?! [3am]
  
  
• Uh-oh! Puff Daddy, or whatever his name is, may leave Warner Brothers for Interscope once his contract's up in April. What will be of WB-based label Bad Boy?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Real Housewives of New Jersey "star" Danielle Straub tried to talk to Martha Stewart at an event last week, bUt Stewart ignored her. Ha! [MSNBC]
  
  
• Dancing with the Stars' former golden couple, Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff looked happy on the Emmy stage, but were fighting and bickering back stage. Don't be fooled by appearances: they hate one another. [E!]
  
  
• Jack Tweed, the widower of British reality star-turned-cancer patient Jade Goody, appears in court today to face allegations that he raped a woman. [3am]
  
  
• Halle Berry is not with child. But is with toga dress. [Daily Mail]

• The nuns at Lady Gaga's Catholic high school saw her VMA performance and, according to a source, "were not amused." [Page Six]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson has called off the futile search party for her dog, who was eaten by a coyote. [TMZ]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Martha Stewart isn't offering Simpson a sympathetic shoulder. The kitchen queen says the pop star should have been more careful. But those coyotes are wiley! [Page Six]
  
  
• Annoying singer Avril Levigne and her husband, Deryck Whibley are separating. You know what that means? Divorce. [Us]
  
  
• What? We're confused. Amy Winehouse, who once had an appetite only for powder and booze, ate three times in one night. [The Sun]
  
  
• Madonna's pants are invisible! [3am]
  
  
• So is Mena Suvari: door men are having a hard time recognizing the once-ubiquitous actress. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl's adopted baby is Asian, cute and in for one hell of a ride. [Us]
  
  
• Michelle Williams went to a Brooklyn coffee shop and some nosy kid asked her daughter about having daddy Heath Ledger die: "Are you so sad that your daddy died like Michael Jackson?" [Page Six]
  
  
• Sorry, Gawkers: Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner won't sell their wedding pictures. But we're sure some will leak anyway. [Page Six]
  
  
• Robbie Williams fears for Susan Boyle's sanity: "It will not take much to push her over the edge. Her head seems like a strange place to be." We can only imagine. [The Sun]