You remember, don't you? I was sitting in the back room of the Beatrice about a year ago, drinking a Stella and checking out the 2 a.m. dance floor scene. You walked over and said, "Did you used to work at Page Six?" I agreed that I had, and you sat down next to me.

I was impressed that you were smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking what looked like a whiskey on the rocks. You told me that you had just filmed an episode of Weeds for Showtime, and asked what I was up to. I said I was working at Maxim, which was true at the time. Or maybe I said that I owned Maxim. Or owned all magazines. Let's just say I was trying to impress you.

I don't recall much about the rest of our conversation, other than you were very sweet, were wearing a lot of black eyeliner, and that your hair kind of smelled like clouds. But I do remember that once we were done with our surreal little chat, you said, "Well, I just wanted to say that you look really good tonight." And then you got up, walked across the room and sat with the friends you came with.

I wondered if I had just been totally goofed on. Because by that point in the night I was most likely a wobbly, red-eyed beast who was only capable of engaging women by doing that magic trick that I do with the handkerchief and the collapsible wand. You know the one.

But in retrospect I think that you were probably just in a really good mood. Had you not been Mary-Kate Olsen, I would probably tried to get your number, or at least asked if you wanted to take a ride in my van. But instead, I just smiled and accepted the compliment. Always wanted to say thanks for that. But I've never been able to, because that was the last time I saw you!

So I thought I'd finally have a chance to tell you in person last night when I saw you at Bergdorf-Goodman, where you and your twin sister Ashley were doing a relentlessly-hyped bartending appearance for Fashion's Night Out.

I knew it was a big deal because my cab driver actually asked if I was going to "the thing were the Olsen twins were bartending." We pulled up to a mob of several hundred eager young women clogging the front entrance. I talked my way into a side door and began to look for you in the oppressively-lit department store that reeked of decades of perfume-squirts and shoppers' flop sweat.

I navigated past the throngs of girls roaming the racks to get on the escalator to the 7th Floor, where you were allegedly pouring drinks. Even the escalator was jammed with squealing humanity, and I started getting claustrophobic and sweating a little myself. Honestly, I hadn't seen that much hubbub since the last time I attended a Jonas Brothers lunch box signing!

But once I got to the 7th floor, you were already gone. Mind you, this was only 7:30, and the event started at 7. When I said, out loud, to no one in particular, "Where are the Olsens?" a sad-eyed teenage girl told me that you had left the building. This was particularly devastating because at this point I really needed a drink.

So I pushed through another mob that was surrounding stylist Rachel Zoe as she was shot by about 20 photographers, towards the nearest fire exit. When I finally made it outside, a black Escalade slowed to a stop in front of the crowd spilling outside Bergdorf's. I thought maybe it was you, but it turned out to be designer Zac Posen, who popped out of the sun roof and waved at everyone.

I went to a few other insanely crowded boutiques before I headed back downtown: The Versace store, where the MisShapes deejayed and Taylor Momsen darted past me wearing a garter belt and a white dress shirt; the Calvin Klein store, where the disturbingly pretty male model Jamie Burke played a set with his band; and Barney's, where so many strangers rubbed up against me that I felt like I owed them money afterwards.

But you weren't at any of those places, so I hopped a cab back downtown and met some friends at the Jane Hotel, which is kind of like the Beatrice was, except not quite as much fun.

Your pal,

Chris

P.S.

Call Me!
Mary-Kate Olsen serves the drinks, for a change.
Sarah Jessica Parker can barely stand the funky music from Oscar de la Renta, Barbara Walters, and Bette Midler. Neither can we.
Fashion Victim.
Grace Coddington is the only Vogue staffer allowed to laugh.
This leatherman is the ghost of the the Meatpacking District past.
Someone tries to mess with The Tinz' perfection.
Radical knitting group tries to take over Barney's handbag department in hopes of reinvigorating interest in wool handbags.
Gossip Girl-on-girl action.
Food! You don't serve food at a fashion party!
Booze. Now that's more like it.
Blake, what if we told you there will be blow at the afterparty.
That's more like it.
Running out of live celebrities, Bloomingdale's hired wax Leonardo DiCaprio to make an appearance.
Fashion's Night Out works! This woman came out to shop for the first time since 1977!
Charlize Theron is beautiful. That is all.
The only way to shut Isaac Mizrahi up is to ask him to sing.
Don't knock these boots.
"Uh, who are we waiting for?"
Give Georgio Armani five.
Rhianna got the dates confused with July 23, which is Fashion's Day Out At The Beach.
Anna Wintour has decided to start talking shit about Sienna Miller to her face.
Jill Zarin inspects her human avatar.
The rare site of Lindsay Lohan shopping.
Last night Jonathan Adler and Simon Doonan made that rhino while playing Ghost.
André Leon Talley shows off his latest Snuggie.
Victoria Beckham thought she was showing up for a literacy benefit.
Michael Kors tries to slap Debra Messing when she points out the step and repeat matches his skin tone exactly.

Australian tab New Weekly has a cover with the star looking like she's put on a few pounds. Given all that talk of anorexia a few years ago, you'd think that would be good, right? Wrong! The caption looks forward to the day she gets "healthy." Just last Wednesday Star also did the "Mary-Kate is fat" story, calling her weight gain shocking and saying "bye-bye billion dollar looks, hello bloat."

Star has a long history of railing on Mary-Kate's weight. It started in 2004, when they ran a cover saying she was too thin because of drugs.

They finally believed the actress' claims of anorexia in 2007 (see cover above), but did so by chastising her "stick thin legs" and wondering what is the best way to get her back to health.

Then, in 2008, they did an about face, saying she's headed back to rehab because of drinking and drugs.

There are really only six stories in a gossip glossy: diet (either too skinny or too fat), drugs, boyfriends, weddings, pregnancy and deaths. So just wait, they're soon going to say that the "bloat" is from drugs or bulimia or pregnancy or (gasp) all three! Maybe if everyone wasn't so obsessed with what she's eating, her weight would even itself out naturally. Why not go after Jonah Hill. He's overweight and probably much more in danger of a heart attack than Mary-Kate is in danger of anything other than wearing a bad outfit.

US
"Kendra & Kourtney Talk Baby!"
Everything you never wanted to know about these ladies, who are both due in December. Kendra found out she was pregnant in the bathroom of a baggage claim area in an airport. Kendra says: "We weren't trying, but we didn't use a condom that night." Kendra also says now that she's knocked up, "I've been hornier." There's more, about stuff coming out of Kendra's nipples and breastfeeding with implants and "crowning moments" and so on. Also inside: A source in Chris Brown's entourage says: "If anyone says Rihanna, people in his camp say, 'We don't use that name around here.'" Lastly: Jon Gosselin had a makeout session with University of Connecticut senior Katie Hudd on August 18 at the Foxwoods Resort. A pal who is a waitress at the casino and took pictures; and the manager of the place says he's seen them. Jon's rep says the girl just asked for a kiss on the cheek "and he obliged."
Grade: F (botched face lift)

In Touch
"Catfight Of The Year: Octomom Slams Kate"
It sounds like a wrestling match, but it's a story is based on comments Nadya Suleman made in the documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage. Nadya said Kate Gosselin's tummy tuck was "cheating" and that Kate was "desperate for fame" and that the show was "fake." So Kate is livid and thinks that Nadya is trying to get revenge, since Kate was asked to be in the documentary and just ignored the request. Since Kate wouldn't show up, Nadya talked about Kate instead. Don't forget to check out the "Worse Mom" side-by-side comparison (Fig. 1). Yawn. Next: Jason Trawick has dumped Britney Spears because she is too clingy. The mag wonders: Will push her over the edge again? Apparently Britney was serious about Jason, but he saw the relationship as casual. A "friend" says: "All Britney wants is a husband. Jason just couldn't deal with that." Katie Holmes is rebelling against her marriage to Tom Cruise by overeating. Since she's been filming in Australia, she's been eating chocolate, potato chips and pizza — and gained five pounds. "Brad Pitt Finally Admits: It Won't Last." Apparently when Brad talked to Ann Curry, he said: "Someday, it won't always be there… I don't look forward to that day, so… the greater the love, the greater the loss." This mag interprets this stoner babble as his "process of separating from Angelina." Even though Brad and Angie are living together at Chateau Miraval, "they're actually living separate lives." The next page has a bunch of happy pictures of the couple and the kids at a pet store. Angelina is supposedly "miserable" yet smiling and petting a hamster. Lastly: Some of the stars on "dangerous diets" include Victoria Beckham, Jessica Alba and Taylor Momsen.
Grade: F (crooked eye job)

Life & Style
"How I Stay Thin!"
Jennifer Aniston stopped getting Zone diet delivery meals about six years ago when she hired personal chefs. She has this no-carb diet where she loses 5 pounds in 5 days by eating protein and veggies, blah blah blah. A source says: "She's not skinny, she's perfectly fit." Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have only been dating for 3 months but Kate "already wants A-Rod to stop playing the field." "She's brought up marriage to him," says a pal. And she has "baby on the brain," and brought her parents to a baseball game. But a body language expert says he's just that not into her. What do you do when your sorta-shocking nude tape gets leaked? Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart are trying to bring an innocent child into the world! A source says she's three months along, and this little McSteamy will "save" their marriage. Jon Gosselin says his kids staged a "sit-in revolt" and didn't want to work when the TLC cameras were trying to film recently. An eyewitness says the crew was yelling at the kids to stay outside and keep filming, but the kids seemed really tired. But the crew kept pushing them. This article ends thusly: "While Daddy pursues other projects, and Mommy disappears on her days off, the eight children are left behind. And sadly, the only people guaranteed to be there for them are the ones operating the cameras." Sob!
Grade: F (horrific nose job)

Ok!
"Angie Tells Brad: Sleep On The Couch!"
This story's angle? Angie is a bad mom because she works. Brad wanted her to focus on the family and not her career; then Brad found a box of scripts and a fight ensued. Angie stormed out and told Brad to sleep on the couch. More reasons they're "at the breaking point": Brad wants Angelina to reconcile with her dad, because he doesn't believe in holding grudges. Also a problem? Brad's "embarrassing weight gain" — he's put on 10 pounds and has been seen at Dunkin' Donuts and pizza parlors — Angie finds his new belly unattractive. And his drinking could also be a factor. He's hoping that by doing some kind of Eat Clean diet "she'll fall in love with him all over again." Moving along: Renée Zellweger and Bradley Cooper went to see District 9 in NYC's Battery Park City and she offered to pay, but Bradley wouldn't let her. They were trying not to be spotted, but he was wearing sunglasses at night. They ate Junior Mints and M&Ms. A friend says: "She's not losing herself in the relationship or pushing the guy into marriage." Unlike Aniston!!! Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's "sexual spark" might "explode" when they start filming Eclipse. An insider says: "Rob always thought Kris was gorgeous, but when he saw her in San Diego, he was blown away. The young girl he left behind in June had blossomed into a sexy rocker goddess." The Joan Jett haircut gets 'em every time. Jason Trawick was seen at Crown Bar in LA, surrounded by girls. Poor Britney!
Grade: F (terrible chemical peel)

Star
"Torn Apart By Grief"
John Travolta is really depressed about the death of his son Jett and has been holed up in his room watching movies and eating ice cream; Kelly Preston has been throwing herself into work and will play Miley Cyrus's mom in a new flick. Lindsay's reps deny that she got lip filler, but these pictures of Lindsay — and 14-year-old sister Ali — do not lie (Fig. 2). Shania Twain is getting married to the ex-husband of the woman who had an affair with her husband. It's a husband swap! Kate Gosselin made a handwritten list of her expenses, which she took to Kinko's to copy. A paparazzo zoomed in and took a photograph, so now we know that Kate pays $150 a month for cable and $5,000 a month for personal security. "Faking It For The Kids" — That's what Brad and Angie are doing. The relationship is on the rocks, but they don't want to upset the children. Through some long heart-to-hearts, Angie is persuading Brad to start over. By the by, in the midst of this "turmoil," Brad and Angie are in the process of buying Chateau Miraval, which they were renting. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have gone public with their affair and will marry when their divorces are finalized. A sources says "She's already subscribed to Bride's magazine." Last, but not least, the mag calls Mary-Kate Olsen "bloated," and says her "weight gain" is "shocking" — and that at 130 lbs. something must be wrong. "Bye-bye, billion dollar looks, hello bloat!" Nice way to treat a woman with an eating disorder (Fig 3).
Grade: F (scary brow lift)

Fig. 1

Fig 2 (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3 (click to enlarge)

• The Yankees' Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez hate each other, and now their mutual dislike is apparently spreading to their starlet girlfriends, Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly, who are reportedly not exactly that into each other either. [Page Six]
  
  
• Seth MacFarland has outed Stewie on Family Guy as being a big, fat gay! He says that he and his writing staff had a script ready to go in which they outed him but then canned it in the end. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Larry King's wife Shawn has pulled out of a Michael Jackson tribute concert being put together by Larry King's wife Shawn. [Page Six]
  
  
• Matt Damon got fat in preparation for his latest movie role. He says he gorged on McDonald's and Doritos and dark beer, but now the movie's done and he's already lost all the weight. Asshole. [Daily News]
  
  
• Awww...Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen went on a double date the other night y'all! They went to Strip House (Steaks?!) and ended the night "chain-smoking cigarettes until after 4am." [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian has gotten herself knocked up. No word yet on who the father is, but the hot rumor is that it's some ex-boyfriend of hers named Scott. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller has already taken the Slinky Wizard back home to meet her family, so you know that things must be pretty damn serious. She threw a pool party for her family and friends, where James Blunt tried to pick up on her, but like a true knight, Slinky Wizard swooped in and swept her away from him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Liam Neeson attended a film premiere for the first time since the death of his wife, Natasha Richardson, who was usually on his arm for such events. Reports say that he seemed understandably solemn and distracted. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Jaime Pressly was photographed popping a squat on an LA street outside of a club, but she says it was all a big joke and that the liquid coming out from under her dress came from a bottle of water she poured out. [Sun]
  
  
• Diane Kruger says that she did everything but sleep with Quentin Tarantino in order to land a role in Inglorious Bastards. [Page Six]

Mount_Prion's new line beat the original, "It Ought to Be a Full House Tonight."

• The White House decorator and socialite social secretary Desiree Rogers (pictured) threw a lunch at the Four Seasons to hobnob with some New York media bigshots. Who paid? Is there a right answer to that question?
• Barack Obama's "confidante" swears the president has his BlackBerry videogame habit under control. He can quit playing "BrickBreaker" any time he wants. [Star]
• The president's top pick to head the Department Health and Human Services constantly returns things after wearing them once. And we're going to trust this monster with out childrens' lives?? [P6]
• Madonna is planning to bring Brazilian model Jesus Luz to the Oscars. [OK!]
• Angelina Jolie might run into Jennifer Aniston at the Oscars, so she wants to spend $20 million on a diamond necklace. High-end jewelers are whiny about this, since they can afford to be, in this booming economy. [OK!]
• The father of Nadya Suleman's first six babies apparently can't figure out when he himself was born. [Us]
• Bruce Wasserstein, the Lazard chief and New York magazine owner, had a baby between his third and fourth wives with a woman he reportedly promised to help get pregnant. But he must have eventually promised a bit more because now he's involved with raising the child. [P6]
• Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are maybe in a big not-talking-or-being-at-the-same-ridiculous-party-together fight. [Gatecrasher]

Page Six has the scoop:

A Page Six spy, who recently shared an elevator at Barneys with the diminutive actress, reports Olsen was excited about all the discounted merchandise for the taking. "It's really sad - the recession is everywhere. But at least they are having good sales," said Olsen, who pointed to her hat. "That's where I got this! The recession!"

While we congratulate the empathetic Olsen on finding a silver lining, we're appalled that she still hasn't discovered the hottest boutique in town, Madoff. The expense may be steep there, but if the actress forks over as much as she can, we have a feeling that the payoff will be priceless.

• RECESSION FAN [NY Post]

• Madonna is supposedly getting "ficando" in Rio with a Brazilian model named Jesus. This means they can get it on with no strings attached while sad stupid Alex Rodriguez quietly studies Kabbalah or whatever. [Sun]
• Go ahead and hide behind your secret shops and unmarked bags, rich plutocrats. Bruce Springsteen isn't ashamed to shop at Barney's, head held high, like a proper, blue-collar rich person. [P6]
• Sorry poors, but the economic implosion is working out great for Mary-Kate Olsen. "That's where I got this! The recession!" [P6]
• This can't be a real picture of Katie Holmes looking "worryingly pale and tired" as she burns out on Broadway raising her kids while acting in her play. [Mirror]
• Penelope Cruz was late for a London screening of "Vicky Cristina Barcelona." Then she ran to her suite to change, so Havey Weinstein yelled, "Tell her to get her f***ing ass here right now!" [Mirror]
• Russell Crowe is fighting with Ridley Scott, on a movie set, over being told "'he's too fat and that he can't show up four hours late." [P6]
• These topless pictures of Amy Winehouse are not as disturbing as you might think. She's put on some needed weight. And does not appear high! [Daily Mail NSFW]
• Actor Fisher Stevens will totally vouch for Jeremy Piven on the mercury poisoning thing. He had it, until he cut back to only "small fish." [P6]

CodePink's new line beats the original, "Master Allows Me to Leave the Castle Just Once a Year..."

Titsy Pamela showed up wearing only underpants and a lewd look to either drum up support for something, herself, or because she got lost on the way to the Long John Silver's. So Basel's got that goin' for it? Pamela Anderson is not a good sign. Art Basel was, for a glorious few years, the primo art show—the only art show where serious art people could talk seriously about art, plus get drunk and eat fancy food with each other, giddy to be away from the crush of New York and feeling heady, warm Caribbean winds. It was a dream of an art fair, like Sundance—cold, brisk, exciting—used to be the jewel of indie cinema fests.

Now that's a ruined husk of what it once was, co-opted by all manner of brand sponsorship and smallish studio endeavors weakly masked as independents. Art Basel—whose sales, despite the Herald's relative optimism, are tanking this year—runs the risk of realizing the same fate, with the after hours festivities eclipsing the actual commerce of the event until there's no real big commerce going on at all anymore. Everyone's too drunk to talk shop!

And they're too busy gawping at our littlest Norfin, Mary-Kate Olsen, who had sparkly-lit dinners with her boyfriend and wandered the faux meth lab created by Justin Lowe. All the hipsters at the fair sidled up to her and everyone made nicey nicey and artsy artsy and the whole thing listed sideways like the Titanic and yet the string quartet played on.

[Photo via PopCrunch]

• Fran Drescher announced a run for Hillary Clinton's senate seat, on the basis of being "authentic and honest" and "getting a bill passed in Washington." Presumably having Anderson Cooper in the tank is a plus, too. Pray she's joking. [NYM]
• Miley Cyrus doesn't hate Annie Leibovitz for hypnotizing her into taking those salacious Vanity Fair photos where she wore only a bedsheet. "I would love to work with her again." Trollop! [via P6]

• Aubrey O'Day, recently photographed kissing Lydia Hearst, is pretending to be lesbian again. Or, hey, maybe not! [P6]
• Flacks "leak" anecdoates about what swell human beings their clients are all the time. But they're usually smart enough to do so anonymously. Or maybe Hal Lifson isn't getting paid by Lee Majors? [P6]
• The Hollywood Reporter named Angelina Jolie the highest-paid actress in Hollywood, at about $14 million per film. At least you made the top ten, Jennifer Aniston! [Sun]
• If smoking and drinking heavily is what it takes to disabuse you of the rumors about Mary-Kate Olsen being pregnant, the actress is willing to make that sacrifice. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan promised to MySpace blog her future breakup with Samantha Ronson. [OK!]
• Kate Hudson is sewing Christmas gifts, because she want to show the poors how they can still afford to see her new movie, in theaters shortly. You could always see it as a matinee. She's just saying. Whatever! [People]
• Paula Abdul is not putting her house on the market because a stalker-esque fan killed herself just down the street. She just feels like living in a gated community, all of a sudden. [Scoop]

• Despite showing off her cleavage, Britney Spears managed to attract only the likes of Lance Bass and Ciara to her big 27th birthday party at Tejune. But that's still a better guest list than she'd have been allowed at either of the mental hospitals she visited this year. And she's finally the center of America's attention!
• A judge and prosecutor totally framed Roman Polanski for having sex with that kid. And the 30-year U.S. fugitive has a documentary to prove it! [P6]
• Mary-Kate Olsen is NOT pregnant, just 102 pounds. Such a cow. [Us]
• Patrick Swayze is NOT on his deathbed or last legs, just a victim of rumors. [Daily Star]
• The Post pre-reviewed Cher's forthcoming album of covers: "Delight of trannies everywhere." Wow. [P6]
• How many times did Donald Trump tell his idiot brother Robert to get a prenup? How many times?? [P6]

Cocaine-snazzled actress Lindsay Lohan, who is now a gay person dating a gay woman who deejayed at the bash. Odious "actress" and model Mischa Barton (who, OK, was born in England, but she made her money here). Tax-dodging half-vampire Wesley Snipes. Too-bored-to-ever-know-where-she-is fashion plate Mary Kate Olsen. I guess things here in the patriotic old US of A got a bit too messy for them, a bit too elbow-greasy. So they flit on over to some twirling, towering desert city of steel and glass where the champagne still flows and the hotels are tacky and people still have the energy to celebrate it all. Fair-weather Americans if you ask me.

While the country burns—literally and figuratively—these folks spent how much on dresses (and, um, banana-yellow suits in the case of Mr. Snipes), to go fete it up in the Middle East and had the audacity to smile?? Well I hope they like it over there in Terrorist Disney World, because they aren't allowed back here.

All images via Getty