If you happen to know the guy caught in this surveillance camera photo, you should probably give him a hug today, before he goes to jail. Emphasize what he is good at. Not everyone has to be some "great" bank robber, you know?

If you wanted to rob a high-end Las Vegas casino, I imagine the best plan would be something involving an inside accomplice, cutting-edge technology, stealth, and a well-planned getaway. The "run in and grab what you can" method would not be the primary choice of most successful casino robbers.

The thing that some people don't understand about crime is that you have to put some thought into it. You can't just run around willy-nilly doing stupid idiot crimes and expect to get rich and famous and live a life of leisure outside the walls of a prison. You have to plan shit. You can't just, you know, steal…

I don't know how many times we have to go over this, people: when you're planning a murder, do not announce that fact on your Facebook page. Just find satisfaction in the murder itself.

We always laugh when, say, someone's arrested for brazenly offering weed for sale on Craigslist. Our apologies to those fools. It turns out that the dumbest criminals of all are trying to pull off insider trading. Very, very poorly.

Researchers have discovered that teenagers have very acute perceptions of risk. Other researchers have discovered that retail employees are incredibly successful thieves. These researchers should talk to each other!

It was kind of sad when Michael Douglas' son Cameron was arrested for trying to smuggle a half-pound of crystal meth. So it's an order of magnitude sadder that Cameron's girlfriend got busted smuggling heroin to him in jail.

Is there a way for the old "Teacher Arrested For Sleeping With Student" to combine with the old "Man Solicits Underage Sex on the Internet" to produce a new, stupider crime? On Long Island there is.