It has to be Peter Mattis, co-creator of the open-source image editor GIMP and a Google engineer. The clues are all right there in the Times article. A tipster helped lay them out for us.

"Harken Pretty" anagram: The apartment, once thought to be sold to movie stars Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, instead went to an LLC called "Harken Pretty," which is an anagram of the first names of the buyers, according to the Times. Mattis is married to Kathryn Kimball; the couple are pictured in the image at left, taken from Kimball's Facebook profile (here's Peter's profile). "Harken Pretty" is the most coherent anagram for the couple's first names.

Young family: The buyers have a "young family," just like the trio of Mattis, Kimball and baby in the picture above.

Used to live in SoHo: The Times' mystery buyers want to escape "the hustle and bustle and celebrity of SoHo, where the family now lives." Mattis and Kimball used to live at 56 Crosby Street, according to sales records, before putting the property up for sale earlier this year. (Mattis implied in the Times that some of his coworkers might be jealous of his new home; perhaps they could take some relief in the fact he had to cut the price of his old home twice, reducing the asking price by a total of $650,000.)

Money to burn: The new apartment costs about $3.5 million more than the current listing price of the old apartment. But judging by Mattis and Kimball's political donations, they have plenty surplus cash to spend. Campaign records show donations to three different candidates in the last presidential election by the couple: $2,300 to libertarian Republican Ron Paul; $4,600 to Demorat Hillary Clinton; and $4,600 to Democrat Barack Obama in Mattis' name and another $2,300 in his wife's name (see here and here).

We've emailed Mattis at Google, Facebook and two old Berkeley email addresses. We'll let you know if we hear back. UPDATE: Mattis called; he wasn't happy to see his family plastered on a website and went out of his way to say he wasn't telling us anything on the record. (The photos above were taken from the public front of Mattis and Kimball's Facebook profiles.)

Now that they're the proud parents of three chillens, it might be time for the actor couple to bust out of their simply tiny West Village townhouse and into more respectable mansiony digs. Perfect then that artsy power couple Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany sold their Prospect Park West manse last year. A company called Harken Pretty purchased the home for $8.45 million last December, and the Post thinks that simply must have something to do with SJP's production company Pretty Matches. It just must! Whoever bought the palace is gutting it completely. After all the work you put into, Jennifer...

Parker has shown an interest in Park Slope creatively recently, snapping up the rights to Amy Sohn's decadent take on the Park Slope mommy-cult Prospect Park West. It could become a TV series! Because everyone loved Lipstick Jungle so much they'll like it even better when it's about moms! In Brooklyn!

Oh man, get us outta here.

Pic via Curbed

• Tennis star and lover of Enrique Iglesias Anna Kournikova got into a fight Saturday night at a club in Vegas after some random woman threw a drink at her for "invading her space." [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester sings and acts in a new Gossip Girl-y video she stars in for Cobra Starship's song "Good Girls Go Bad." And yes, the song was written and the video was shot prior to the news that Meester's talented feet were the star of a new celebrity sex tape to hit the internet. [Daily Intel]
  
  
• Michael Jackson looked frail but appeared to be getting his groove on in these photos taken during a rehearsal at the Staples Center shortly before his death. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Chris Brown was supposed to take part in a Michael Jackson tribute at the BET Awards on Sunday night, but Jay-Z stepped in and torpedoed those plans. [Page Six]
  
  
• Alice Hoffman isn't just attacking people who offend her delicate sensibilities on Twitter—She recently attacked a blogger who was moderating a discussion about her new book at a Barnes and Noble store. [Page Six]
  
  
• Actress Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame is moving to New York to attend school at Columbia, where perhaps she can follow in the footsteps of her fellow thespian James Franco and sleep her way to a degree. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jude Law, currently starring in a London production of Hamlet, strolls through the streets of the city coolly sipping on frappucinos. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Sacha Baron Cohen got a taste of his own medicine last night when a Bruno imposter showed up at the movie's Australian premiere in a pink stretch Hummer filled with a bevy of scantily clad dancers. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have released the first photos of their new twin girls, who were recently delivered by a surrogate mother in Ohio. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mariah Carey got done up as an Eminem-type rapper for her new video for her song "Obsessed." We can't wait for Eminem to respond with a video in which he dresses up like a hideous-looking Mariah Carey, because you just know he's going to do it. [DListed]
  
  
• Lady GaGa claims that she's been doing volunteer charity work since she was two years old. [UK Sun]

• Elle is letting Lindsay Lohan off the hook in regards to the 400K in jewels that went missing after a recent photo shoot she did for the magazine. A spokesperson said "Elle has no reason to believe that Lindsay Lohan was in any way responsible and has no further comment to make." And now Lindsay's pissed that anyone would have the audacity to accuse her in the first place because, you know, Lilo would never steal anything. [Daily News]
  
  
• Two insane Ohio cops tried to break into the home of the surrogate mother carrying the child of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick so that they could blackmail them or rip the baby from the womb and hold it for ransom or something. Who knows? [Daily News]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are insanely jealous of—Wait for it—Jon and Kate! Apparently, these two are seething that Jon and Kate are hogging up all the tabloid magazine covers. For shame! [Page Six]
  
  
• Nick Hornby recently took both his current and former wife on an exotic vacation, along with his kids by both women, and they all stayed in the same vacation home together, which all seems like a very Nick Hornby thing to do. [Page Six]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake loves ordering rounds of nitrogen chilled tequila shots at douchey Manhattan clubs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Fox's Juliet Huddy's third marriage is coming to an end after just four months. Ok, so if you're under the age of 40 and you've been married three times, something's wrong. If your third marriage doesn't even last six months, something's seriously wrong! [Page Six]
  
  
• Well here's proof that the London theater scene is going to crap just like the New York theater scene—Mariah Carey is set to star in a new play on the West End next year. [Mirror]
  
  
• Britney Spears threw on some pink hot pants and went out for some McDonald's in London the other day, because Britney doesn't get any more painfully Britney than when she's running out for McDonald's in pink hot pants. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Madonna has enlisted Gwyneth Paltrow to decorate the bedroom of her new adopted African baby, Mercy, just because she's Madonna and can get away with asking people to do ridiculous things to please her. [Sun]

He was waiting in line right behind me for about 10 minutes, then he asked the pharmacist in a fairly loud voice if she had nicotine patches. She didn't have the kind Ferris wanted, but he got some sub-celebrity quality ones anyway... is Aiden making Carrie quit again????

• In addition to their son, 6, Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker will by this summer have twin girls. Through a surrogate. Who had better not be a redhead in her mid-20s, because no one will buy that
• Susan Boyle is shopping a "tell-all" book proposal. Book people are all, "eh, we kind of know it 'all' already, right?" [P6]
  
• Mel Gibson's official new ladyfriend Oksana Grigorieva is the sort of composer who promotes her music by posing in lingerie on top of a piano. [Sun]
  
• TMZ swears this is a picture of Tupac Shakur, alive in New Orleans last weekend. Because Shakur would totally go to the trouble of faking his death, then neglect to remove his nose ring, shave his goatee or grow some hair on his head. [TMZ]
  
• Moby broke his ankle just walking into the kick-boxing ring. That's what you call one of those Renaissance Men. [P6]
  
• If Britney Spears wants to communicate with her ex-manager/boyfriend Sam Lutfi, she'll have to continue to do so via illicit spy decoder ring transactions in hotel saunas, because a judge just extended Lutfi's restraining order to three years.

• Rock of Ages opened on Broadway and was fun, if a bit silly.
• The Humana Arts Festival at the Actors' Theatre of Louisville got underway. The most interesting show (for me)? Actress Zoe Kazan's (Three Sisters) play Absalom. Didn't know she wrote.
• After a few missteps (Adrift in Macao, anyone?) arch black comedian Christopher Durang is back in good graces with Why Torture Is Wrong, and the People Who Love Them at the Public.
• Meanwhile Brunch: The Musical, about struggling actors working as waiters on the Upper East Side sounds positively dreadful, both in concept and performance. Best line of the review? "These mostly unlikable characters want audiences to know that they hate 'crying kids, blue hairs and strollers,' as one waiter mentions. And they want 20 percent tips." Ha.
• Matthew Broderick began previews of The Philanthropist at the Roundabout on Friday night.
• Speaking of the Roundabout, the terrific Julie White (a Tony winner for Little Dog Laughed) will star in that company's New York premiere of busy, busy lady Theresa Rebeck's play The Understudy. And the indispensable Laurie Metcalf is Broadway bound twice in the coming year, once quite literally. She's landed lead roles in revivals of both Brighton Beach Memoirs and Broadway Bound. Brighton will likely bow in October, with Bound following in December.
• Legendary bitch, but brilliant performer, Anna Deavere Smith will bring her Let Me Down Easy to the off-Broadway stage this fall. The show premiered at the ART in Boston this year.
• Also off-B'way, the great Sherie Rene Scott began previews for Everyday Rapture a new musical by the Thoroughly Modern Millie duo and directed by Michael Mayer.
• In regional news, I really want to go see The Tempest at the Steppenwolf in Chicago. Tina Landau's production sounds spectacular. I'm also sort of curious, if in an apprehensive way, about Chalk Rep's Family Planning, a two-parter that takes place in actual houses. Could be Fefu, could be just awkward. The LA Times liked it.

T.S._delegate's new line beats the original, The 8th Dwarf Questioned About His Involvement With Prince Charming.

Boomp3.com

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker continued to defy the rumors that there's trouble in their personal paradise as they sported matching gray cardigans on Wednesday. Their child's own gray cardigan was taken out of commission earlier in the day thanks to an incident involving chocolate ice cream, but the couple vowed not to let that affect their trip. Broderick said with pride, "It's like we're the Mets. Right now, we're in first place in family fun and we're going to go all the way to big show."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

• Jennifer Aniston is turning 40 in February, childless and unwed. No one cares except the actress herself, who according to OK!'s source is "at an age where she is thinking with her head not just her heart" and according to Star's source is telling friends "it's my turn now" to have babies in the manner of a certain bitch who stole away a certain man from a certain starlet who is so not bitter and so totally over him. So Aniston is already planning the "Wedding Of The Year" even though, apparently, the groom hasn't even proposed yet?? Getting two tabloids involved is a bit much pressure on poor John Mayer, no?
• The entire British internet is convinced Katie Holmes is pregnant with Tom Cruise's magical new Scientology lord. There is a possible bump! Again! [Mirror]
• This blogger knows a girl who has been banging Matthew Broderick, but he won't get into that, because he doesn't believe in salacious gossip. [Cultural Capitol]
• John Stamos told a fairly awful joke about Mary-Kate Olsen at the roast for her Full House Dad Bob Saget, because apparently roasts used to be places where one could tell fairly awful jokes without having to worry about God damned TV cameras and so forth. [Perez]
• Actor James Franco hasn't even moved to New York yet and he's already met Graydon Carter. (Shameless. Flirt.) [P6]
• Tommy Hilfiger is no longer marrying Dee Ocleppo October 17. Supposedly it's amicable. [Post]
• Artie Lange, Howard Stern's sidekick, is headed to rehab. Real rehab, none of this stupid "rehab for depression" or "rehab for my stubbed toe" smokescreen BS. That means he's basically already completed the first step, right? [P6]
• Two professors of Oprahology have determined that a certain daytime talk show host controls the minds of approximately 1 million American voters. [P6]

boomp3.com

After rumors surfaced last week about being involved in an extramarital affair, Matthew Broderick took wife Sarah Jessica Parker out to dinner in mid town Manhattan on Wednesday night. When asked about the state of their marriage, Broderick said, "I'm going to quote my favorite TV character and say, don't be ridiculous. We're doing great." Parker pensively nodded in agreement with her husband and then flashed the 'A-Okay' hand gesture.

Photo Credit: Splash Pics

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, The Hair Says "I Love You," The Eyes Say "Dear God Help Me"

• Kate Hudson totally finished her first Tour De Lance! Congratulations! [P6]
• Donna Karan is going to Africa with Calvin Klein and two Vanity Fair editors to try and find inspiration for her new collection, "Urban Zen." Because when you think of Zen, you think of the continent of Africa! [Observer]
• Despite rumors that Matthew Broderick cheated on Sarah Jessica Parker with a 25-year-old youth counselor, everything is totally fine in their relationship. You can tell by how hapy they look in the attached photo. [OK!]
• In jail for soliciting a 14-year-old prostitute, billionaire scuzz Jeff Epstein "has a cell to himself and spends his days at the library e-mailing various models he befriended in New York." I'll bet he does. [P6]
• So, wow, it turns out Amy Winehouse didn't go to the hospital due to legal addiction-busting drugs after all! Go figure. It turns out ecstasy was somehow involved. Also there was a four-hour drinking game and 11 prescription pills. Now her father is trying to figure out which devious soul slipped drugs into her drink. Um, gosh, no idea.
• Ben Silverman, onetime NBC golden boy and close friend to Rupert Murdoch's daughter, may be done for at the network if his fall shows do as poorly as his summer shows. [P6]
• OMG Lauren Conrad cried at home recently once. This means the Hills star is an "out of control... emotional train wreck" who is "wallowing in the misery that she feels her life has become." Someone stop her before she cries again! [Star]
• Though probably drunk, Shia LaBeouf may also have been the victim of a red-light-runner and thus not at fault in his big accident. [People]
• Britney Spears spent $22,000 per month to go from 144 pounds to whatever pretty hot weight she's at now. [Mail]
• The doorman who won $5 million in the lottery has been fired. [Post]

Beginning in 2001, when she forgot to thank her husband during her Best Actress speech at the Golden Globes, Parker has been blabbing to many a tab about just how “treacherous” her 11-year marriage is. Just two years ago, she said in an interview, "I feel bad that he’s not on the market...He’s just getting to his prime and I’m holding him back. Every now and then I see him with a woman and she’s really smart and beautiful and I’m like, ‘God they have great chemistry. They’d be great together.’” Not to mention her recent delight in telling NY Mag that he “doesn’t have enough friends.” Ultimately, the fact that Broderick has been trysting all over town making late-night visits to the mystery woman’s bedroom (and lasting 30 minutes, no less!) sounds like a dream come true for SJP. All her wishes have come true: on the market? Check. More friends? Nailed one. Plus, her remark in the same NYM piece that “Broderick says, ‘That’s your fault!’ when he sees a thong poking up from low-slung jeans” must feel oh-so-satisfying. Parker can even claim responsibility for Matty Cakes’ newfound happiness inside those thongs he apparently stares at every time they leave the house together!

[Photo credit: Splash]

• EYEWITNESS EXCLUSIVE: MATTHEW BRODERICK CHEATS ON SARAH JESSICA PARKER [Star]

Us
"It Was In Vitro!" Angelina and Brad conceived the twins via an in vitro procedure because they didn't want to wait to get pregnant. Brad was the one who pushed Angie to have more natural kids because he really wanted a biological son. Well congrats on getting one! Moving on: Pictures of Sienna Miller frolicking topless with Balthazar Getty. The author writes: "If you were dating a married man, you could be discreet about it — or you could be Sienna Miller." In all fairness, he is separated. A story called "Are They Too Old For…" questions whether Brad should be carrying Pax Jolie Pitt, 4; whether Calista Flockhart's son Liam, 7, should have a teddy bear and whether Suri Cruise, 2, should still be drinking from a bottle. Judge much?
Grade: F (stinging nettles)

Life & Style
"Hollywood's Pregnant!" So Ben's mom has confessed that Jen Garner is knocked up with baby number 2. A section of this story is called "Why They Waited." Their first kid is two years old! Is that "waiting"? The next four pages are stars who maybe someday could possibly perhaps have kids: Eva Longoria, Reese Witherspoon (she got pregnant before she married Ryan Phillippe, so she could get pregnant while dating Jake!), Jen Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres. Moving on: "Why Britney Gave Up The Kids" attempts to explain why Brit "let Kevin win" the custody battle. Uh, she "let" him? There was no way she was going to get full custody while in a conservatorship, right? Love this little chart called "Everybody's Wearing Stripes" because by "everybody" they mean three celebrity kids (Fig. 1). Hate this picture of Audrina "flaunting" her body, because those fake boobs are crazytown (Fig. 2). Mariah Carey has told new hubby Nick Cannon to get a job. She wants him start modeling, and he likes the idea. Kelly Osbourne's "amazing body transformation" is about how she went from curvy to trim. "She's lost weight by being in love," a source says. On the plastic surgery spread titled "Who's Had it, Who Hasn't" basically everyone has had it. Intern Margaret likes Megan Fox's old nose. (Fig 3.)
Grade: D- (poison oak)
In Touch
"Baby Joy: First Photos" So the cover has a picture of Angelina Jolie holding a "baby" and a burst that reads, "20 new pics inside." But. If you look closely, you'll see that Angie is holding Shiloh's doll. And the caption inside reads, "Angelina, here carrying Shiloh's doll, can't stop smiling since she's been home." So, while these are indeed new pictures, they are NOT new pictures of twins Knox and Vivienne. But there are 20 new pix spread over 6 pages. They show Brad, Angie, Shiloh, Zaharah, Pax, Maddox, Brad's mom and dad and some unidentified other boy all playing soccer (Fig. 4). Moving on: Alex Rodriguez has another woman! She's "Madonna's rival." Her name is Maritza Franco and she's "close friends" with A-Rod. Next: Britney is "paying Kevin" for the kids because she's agreed to increase the child support and is getting an extra night of visitation. But! In the same article a source says, "It's not a pay day, it's like this in any divorce." Also inside: Mary Carey is off the wagon. Nicole's older kids met their new little sister Sunday about 12 days after she was born. Kim Kardashian's going to be on Dancing With The Stars. Lastly: Apparently Spencer Pratt will pose for Playgirl… if they pay him $1 million.
Grade: D (thornbush, with points deducted for falsely advertising the cover story)
OK!
"Daddy's Little Boy!" Matthew McConaughey's makes his baby's birth sound like a drum circle: "Contractions started kicking in, and we found a great rhythm. We had a 14-hour session, her and I did. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it. We danced to it. I was DJing this native Brazilian music. We were jamming!" Something happened where the doctors were trying to vacuum the baby out because the umbilical cord was being compressed. Matt says: "This is where I learned — and no one tells you this — but having a baby is a bloody, pukey, sweaty, primeval thing." Little Levi already has a baby wet suit and Matt says, "He'll be surfing next weekend." Intern Margaret thinks the baby looks just like Matt (Fig. 5). Moving on: Britney and Justin back together? Well, they will record a duet for her new album. The song, written by Justin, will be produced by Timbaland, of course. On page 15 there's a picture of svelte Nicole Kidman and a doctor who doesn't treat her says, "It doesn't mean something's wrong, but we'd be worried she exercised too much and didn't eat properly." So remember how Life & Style said "Everybody's Wearing Stripes"? OK! spins it thusly: "Guess Who's Stealing Suri's Style?" The mag also says designers are making sweet babydoll dresses now, inspired by Suri.
Grade: C (ragweed)

Star
"Sarah Jessica's Husband Caught Cheating!" An "exhaustive 5-month investigation" done by Star: Matthew Broderick has been seeing a woman who is a "respected counselor to children" and they met in a bar. She's 25, he's 46. The magazine is protecting her identity, so they only show a pixelated picture. (Fig. 6) Apparently Matthew told the woman that his marriage was "not good" and they fooled around in her apartment. Days later, he texted her to meet him at the Manhattan townhouse of a "showbiz friend" and they had sex. She says "It was great! Matt is a wonderful kisser!" She's nicknamed him Mattycakes. All this was happening while SJP was filming Sex And The City. Eyewitnesses saw Matt make 2 more late night visits to the woman's apartment building. On another occasion they had sex in the woman's friend's apartment because the woman's boyfriend was home. The woman is pissed that Matthew told her he was going on vacation in Ireland but then she saw pictures of him in Hawaii with his family (he was texting her and saying how beautiful Ireland is.) Eventually the woman broke off the relationship because Matt admitted that SJP didn't know that he thought their marriage was "not good." Moving on: Angelina and Brad left the hospital so quickly, they left behind champagne bottles and an autographed card from Bono. (It might have been on purpose, to throw off the paparazzi.) Oh, and their estate in France is over run by wild boars. Next: Is Zac Efron taking human growth hormone? He's gone from "scrawny to brawny." (Fig. 7) Oh. And look at this picture of a picture of Halle Berry showing a picture of her baby (Fig. 8). Diddy is engaged to singer Cassie. Ellen is on a 1,000 calorie a day diet. David Beckham broke the law by driving with his 5 year-old son in the front seat. Plus: Michelle Williams has found love… with Spike Jonze! She's known him for years but recently they were spotted kissing. Amanda Seyfried broke up with her long-time boyfriend while filming Mamma Mia because she was having feelings for costar Dominic Cooper. She says: "The fact that I felt something in my heart for Dominic made me feel that something was definitely wrong. I sat and thought about it for weeks." Sam Ronson has been accompanying Lindsay Lohan to AA meetings for the past year, and Sam won't drink as long as LL is sober. Lindsay's been undergoing random drug testing while shooting her new movie as a condition of the producers. (She's clean.) Lastly: Katie Holmes' hands are "veiny, wrinkled and purple" and Scientology is to blame.
Grade: B (tall grass)
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Fig. 8

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker is the star of the Sex and the City, an overpraised television series adapted as an overhyped feature-length film for theatrical distribution later this month; and

WHEREAS, Sex and the City romantically represents contemporary New York City as a sanitized, upper-middle class shrine to culture, taste, privilege and glamor; and

WHEREAS, the real New York City is a class war waiting to happen, as exemplified by Ms. Parker's recollection to the author:

I don't know if you do this with your husband," Parker says. "But say one of us is walking down the street, I'll call him and say, 'You know, the laundromat is closed!' And he'll say, 'What?' I'll be like, 'The laundromat at 11th and West 4th Street is closed!' " and

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker's West Village walking tour is punctuated with other, similar laments, including those for the good old days of public insolvency and that "the city is so affluent, and all the colors, all the shops, the look of a street from block to block is just terribly absent of distinguishing coffee shops, bodegas. All of that stuff that made it possible to live in New York is gone ... I guess there are places in Queens that are affordable," and

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker acknowledges her calculated brand development (e.g. perfume, clothing line) within a half-dozen breaths of complaining about the media attention that reinforces it: "It makes me feel ashamed of my work. And I'm not. But I'm attached to this culture now in a way that, it's kind of vulgar. And I feel cheapened. And I feel like I'm cheapening the school, like I'm bringing dirt, like I'm bad for the neighborhood," and

WHEREAS, Ms. Parker is a confirmed nice person who, along with her nice husband Matthew Broderick, nevertheless symbolizes an urban idyll both contradictory and destructive to her self-proclaimed values, and

WHEREAS, we abhor hypocrisy among the West Village power elite and, more generally, among A-listers promoting their mass-market summer confections in major national publications,

NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER,

1. That Ms. Parker be censured for her perpetuation of Sex and the City and other utopian myths helping eviscerate New York in both the local and popular consciousness, and

2. That Ms. Parker be further censured for being the latest New Yorker to want things both ways, and

3. That this censure go forth in the form of an official editorial admonition: "Kindly shut the fuck up."

RESOLUTION PASSED this 5th day of May, 2008.

SIGNED,

DEFAMER

• Sarah Jessica Parker Would Like a Few Words With Carrie Bradshaw [NYM]