Madonna's Brother's "Giant Orgasm"

• Madonna heard about her brother Christopher Ciccone's tell-all book, so she emailed him "Call me." He was all, "Hello? I don’t respond to commands anymore." Besides, writing the book "was like a giant fucking orgasm." [Observer]
• The (supposed) backstory on the Christian Bale assault investigation: He was depressed about the death of Heath Ledger, and exhausted from the movie, and his Mom said "some very outrageous things about him, and his wife," according to a Mail source. Bale yelled at her but didn't touch her or the wife, supposedly. Bale also reportedly lashed out recently on the set of Terminator 4.
• Lorne Michaels, the Saturday Night Live producer, won an initial court decision against a man who keeps trying to contact him because the Long Island man claims Michaels is eavesdropping on his private conversations, "singing and/or other utterances." [Post]
• Socialites Tinsley and Topper Mortimer might get to join the very exclusive Southmampton Bathing Competition. It was in Bonfire of the Vanities and everything! Think good thoughts, so that the Tinz and her sis might some day be cordoned off from rabble like yourself. [Observer]
• Banking heir Matthew Melon promised, in writing, to pay his girlfriend and business partner $1 million if he ever did cocaine again. Now, of course, they've broken up and she's trying to enforce the contract. He was definitely high at some point! [P6]
• Actor Balthazar Getty acknowledged that he has separated rom his wife, in case the pictures of him groping Sienna Miller topless weren't confirmation enough. [P6]
• Lauren Conrad was two hours late to a paid appearance, even though there was a helicopter to ferry her to the party. [P6]
• Here's a picture of Matthew McConaughey's brand new baby. [OK!]

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If Bruce Willis Doesn't Really Own This Wine Bar, I'm Leaving Right Now

• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]
• Premium seats for Broadway's All My Sons will sell for $251, as opposed to the usual $100, because of sudden surge in the popularity of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Arthur Miller. Ha ha, just kidding, it's because the play features Katie Holmes, the middling movie star married to insane cultist Tom Cruise. The market works! [E!]
• The threesome involving Scarlett Johansson, Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem takes up less than 20 seconds of Woody Allen's new movie, according to Allen, but the marketing department is going to milk those precious seconds for all they are worth, starting with the poster.
• OMG a fashiongay is going to ruin the Obama campaign! "Some Dems fear that in the months ahead, [Andre Leon] Talley, a huge fan of Oscar de la Renta, will steer Michelle into a Bolero jacket or an outfit even more ill-advised." Yes, a big public fight about which expensive outfits Michelle Obama should wear is just what Barack "Elite" Obama needs right now. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus' dad, country music star Bill Ray Cyrus, revealed that he left the Vanity Fair photo shoot before Annie Leibovitz took the infamous picture of his daughter in a bed sheet. "Stuff happens. That's life... It's not a mistake to me." [Daily Star]
• Here's a picture of Kate Moss flashing her boobs in Turkey and setting back Islamic/Western relations 20 more years. [Sun]
• Ashey Olsen went public with her dalliance with movie star Justin Bartha, then proceeded to get way too cutesy: "Told they had a reserved love seat in the theater, Olsen affectionately rubbed Bartha's back and giggled, 'That sounds good!'" Awww... barf.
• Matthew McConaughey's wife is pregnant, so he went "surfing" in Nicaragua alone, which of course means mostly carousing in bars. He denies hitting on various women, but admits to losing his left flip-flop, and even offers a reward, which is JUST bizarre enough to make you forget about the cheating. Smarter than he looks. [R&M]
• Police have been searching for Sam Israel, a hedge funder they think faked his own suicide just before starting a 20-year-prison sentence. But it turns out he thinks he can time travel, so the Post wonders if he "FLED TO THE PAST?"
• If her friends weren't here, Naomi Campbell would totally stab you! And then come back the next day to apologize! And then try to put the incident behind her! [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears is selling her house, which means the paprazzi will leave and broke neighbor Ed McMahon may finally be able to sell his place. Spears will be destroying property values in Encino next. [E!]

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