• Lindsay Lohan called Sarah Palin a "narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe" on Lohan's MySpace page, citing a conference her church on "converting" gays. "She can suck it." [MySpace, Daily News]
• Anna Wintour really, really loved her 30 minutes with LeBron James. Even though it was at a screening. [R&M]
• Vogue's Andre Leon Talley does not appreciate being sprayed with champagne. [P6]
• NBC executive Ben Silverman wisely lets Jeff Zucker win at golf. He's still totally fired. [P6]
• More alleged underage sex victims sued billionaire and Bill Clinton buddy Jeffrey Epstein. [P6]
• Sidney Poitier will steal your wife and then not marry her. And then call her all kinds of un-Sidney-Poitier names! [P6]
• Swimmer Ryan Lochte doesn't have enough gold medals to get laid like Michael Phelps. [P6]
• Spike Lee declared himself done feuding with Clint Eastwood and moved on to Judd Apatow, "whatever that guy is." [Nikki Finke]
• Scarlett Johansson is a total prima donna now that she's Woody Allen's muse. Because that's what's made her a hot commodity. [P6]
• At George "Sulu" Takei's wedding, Chekhov was best man and Uhura was best lady. The husband was Brad Altman, 27 years younger. [ET]
• Amy Winehouse felt she was too ugly to go to her own 25th birthday party, supposedly. [Sun]
• Jennifer Lopez ran a triathlon in 2 hours 23 minutes, compared with 1 hour 30 minutes for Matthew McConaughey. [Us]

• Supposedly, Mary-Kate Olsen could get drawn back in to the Heath Ledger investigation "should new information become available... 'She's somebody they still have their eyes on.'" [The Awful Truth]
• Brad Pitt will star in the Quentin Tarantino remake of Inglorious Bastards, alongside Britney Spears. UPDATE: No, wait, different Tarantino movies!
• Ben & Jerry's promises not to make an Amy Winehouse flavor. Sounds kind of potentially awesome, actually, albeit more for label-reading purposes than actual eating. [The London Paper]
• Brody Jenner of The Hills totally forgot that he had slept with this one chick, who was standing right there in front of him, until reminded by his bro Frankie Delgado. [P6]
• Dennis Hopper is bummed his scenes were mostly cut out of Swing Vote. [R&M]
• Ha ha, someone keeps RSVP-ing for Blake Lively and Penn Badgerly of Gossip Girls without their permission. It's funny because it makes children cry. [R&M]
• Matthew McConaughery's newborn son got his first contact high at a John Mellencamp concert. Awww. [People]
• While Tila Tequila made fun of "Tourette's [sic] Syndrome," she repeatedly mis-spelled Tourette syndrome. [Hot Or Not Gossip]
• Paris Hilton is making a Las Vegas club, but can't talk about it until she is done trademarking the name. "Get Me Out Of Here" is probably taken, but "The Green Light" might be free. [Showbiz Spy]
• Jay-Z won't confirm his marriage to Beyonce because that's "very private." Actually, the mere existence of a marriage and the identities of the people involved is usually quite public. That's actually kind of a key point of the whole marriage thing. Some non-famous people have even been known to advertise theirs in the newspaper and so forth. Anyway. [Us]

• Madonna heard about her brother Christopher Ciccone's tell-all book, so she emailed him "Call me." He was all, "Hello? I don’t respond to commands anymore." Besides, writing the book "was like a giant fucking orgasm." [Observer]
• The (supposed) backstory on the Christian Bale assault investigation: He was depressed about the death of Heath Ledger, and exhausted from the movie, and his Mom said "some very outrageous things about him, and his wife," according to a Mail source. Bale yelled at her but didn't touch her or the wife, supposedly. Bale also reportedly lashed out recently on the set of Terminator 4.
• Lorne Michaels, the Saturday Night Live producer, won an initial court decision against a man who keeps trying to contact him because the Long Island man claims Michaels is eavesdropping on his private conversations, "singing and/or other utterances." [Post]
• Socialites Tinsley and Topper Mortimer might get to join the very exclusive Southmampton Bathing Competition. It was in Bonfire of the Vanities and everything! Think good thoughts, so that the Tinz and her sis might some day be cordoned off from rabble like yourself. [Observer]
• Banking heir Matthew Melon promised, in writing, to pay his girlfriend and business partner $1 million if he ever did cocaine again. Now, of course, they've broken up and she's trying to enforce the contract. He was definitely high at some point! [P6]
• Actor Balthazar Getty acknowledged that he has separated rom his wife, in case the pictures of him groping Sienna Miller topless weren't confirmation enough. [P6]
• Lauren Conrad was two hours late to a paid appearance, even though there was a helicopter to ferry her to the party. [P6]
• Here's a picture of Matthew McConaughey's brand new baby. [OK!]

"I will Karate Chop anybody and everybody that looks like Eurotrash," wrote one surfer. " And to you Brazilian roid boy - I am going to punch you in the vagina."

And from a pap, via the Daily News:

"I've made $94K a year and I'm only four months into it ... because stupid white trash people like your fat mother buy the magazines. We hunt the very people you worship for no reason."

So basically, as the Daily News noted, the brawl is shaping up to look like something out of West Side Story.

Who to root for? Even if they were the victims in this case, the paps can be pretty brutal and unlawful themselves. And those who show up to inflict physical battery on their opponents lose the right to wrap themselves in the legal protection of the First Amendment. The surfers, on the other hand, are the thugs who made this thing physical in the first place, and they have the nerve to be self-righteous about it.

Hopefully it won't matter, because every paparazzo will want to be the one trying to slyly hang back and capture preciou$$$ footage of the big fight, while the surfers will realize they can't, in an evenly-numbered match, lick a bunch of nasty paps as though they were tasty waves, and besides they'll likely be caught on camera if they do.

Anyway, if it does happen, I want to get the play-by-play recap ONLY from this guy.

[Daily News]

"'I'll give you a thousand bucks if you leave right now,' said one of the surfers who took a sip of his beverage and then made a vulgar gesture with his middle finger to the video camera.

"'Hey, you guys, they don't want you here, and nobody that lives here wants you here,' said another person.

"'Let's go. We'll draw a line in the beach, and we'll fight for the beach. If you guys win, you can have the beach,' said another.

"The video then shows two beachgoers chasing one of the paparazzi, dragging him into the water and kicking him." This video right here. [LAT]

• Republican-leaning movie star Bruce Willis opened a yuppie-friendly wine bar in the East Village, which prompted protests from neighborhood lefties and counterprotests from the Young Republicans. Turns out? He's not a partner in the bar, he just lent his name as a favor. Because, you know, wine, action movie star Bruce Willis — the connection is obvious. Plus he totally made those wine cooler commercials in the 80s. [Observer]
• Premium seats for Broadway's All My Sons will sell for $251, as opposed to the usual $100, because of sudden surge in the popularity of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Arthur Miller. Ha ha, just kidding, it's because the play features Katie Holmes, the middling movie star married to insane cultist Tom Cruise. The market works! [E!]
• The threesome involving Scarlett Johansson, Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem takes up less than 20 seconds of Woody Allen's new movie, according to Allen, but the marketing department is going to milk those precious seconds for all they are worth, starting with the poster.
• OMG a fashiongay is going to ruin the Obama campaign! "Some Dems fear that in the months ahead, [Andre Leon] Talley, a huge fan of Oscar de la Renta, will steer Michelle into a Bolero jacket or an outfit even more ill-advised." Yes, a big public fight about which expensive outfits Michelle Obama should wear is just what Barack "Elite" Obama needs right now. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus' dad, country music star Bill Ray Cyrus, revealed that he left the Vanity Fair photo shoot before Annie Leibovitz took the infamous picture of his daughter in a bed sheet. "Stuff happens. That's life... It's not a mistake to me." [Daily Star]
• Here's a picture of Kate Moss flashing her boobs in Turkey and setting back Islamic/Western relations 20 more years. [Sun]
• Ashey Olsen went public with her dalliance with movie star Justin Bartha, then proceeded to get way too cutesy: "Told they had a reserved love seat in the theater, Olsen affectionately rubbed Bartha's back and giggled, 'That sounds good!'" Awww... barf.
• Matthew McConaughey's wife is pregnant, so he went "surfing" in Nicaragua alone, which of course means mostly carousing in bars. He denies hitting on various women, but admits to losing his left flip-flop, and even offers a reward, which is JUST bizarre enough to make you forget about the cheating. Smarter than he looks. [R&M]
• Police have been searching for Sam Israel, a hedge funder they think faked his own suicide just before starting a 20-year-prison sentence. But it turns out he thinks he can time travel, so the Post wonders if he "FLED TO THE PAST?"
• If her friends weren't here, Naomi Campbell would totally stab you! And then come back the next day to apologize! And then try to put the incident behind her! [Showbiz Spy]
• Britney Spears is selling her house, which means the paprazzi will leave and broke neighbor Ed McMahon may finally be able to sell his place. Spears will be destroying property values in Encino next. [E!]

MUXO:

j.k. livin:

Being crowned the lust object of housewives everywhere is surely the crowning achievement of McConaughey's bongo-playing career, but he should be warned: the top honor from People can be a curse. Take, for instance, the sad fates of past honorees: Mark Harmon (Chasing Liberty), JFK Jr. (dead), Tom Cruise (crazy), Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights), Brad Pitt (saddled with other woman's kids), Sean Connery (crazy), Nick Nolte (drunk), Richard Gere (gerbils), and Jude Law (pudgy nanny).