• You want to know how to tell if you're a horrible human being? When you're such an awful neighbor that the person living next door to you is willing to pay off your landlord to kick you out so he doesn't have to live next door to you, that's how you know! [Mirror]
  
  
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend is most definitely pregnant. Nice to see that Mel, despite all his other breakdowns of faith, is still not practicing birth control. [TMZ]
  
  
• Alex Rodriquez and Kate Hudson have been seen hooking up all over town, at Mustang Grill on the Upper East Side, at Lure Fish Bar in Soho, and Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel, so yeah, he's totally boning the Matthew McConaughey out of her. [Page Six]
  
  
• Wind-maligned disgraced pageant broad Carrie Prejean will not be getting her own day in San Diego. Surely she'll fight through the pain by posing topless for some random photographer while she prays to JESUS. [TMZ]
  
  
• Rihanna is getting over Chris Brown by hanging out in strip clubs. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ted Kennedy could never bring himself to explain what happened at Chappaquiddick Island to Mary Jo Kopechne's parents. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• All-caps emo-blogger Kanye West has pleaded not guilty to charges related to his assaulting a photographer [EOnline]
  
  
• Lily Allen is on an African safari and is Twittering about it all over the place. So sad. [PITNB]

• Oh dear. When 83-year-old people take a spill, it's never a good thing. Their bones are frail and their skin thin and useless as deli paper. So when an 83-year-old falls off a goddamned horse, the most appropriate reaction might be prayer. So pray, dear friends, for our once beloved Madonna-witch, a gnarly and snaggled ancient creature who roams the countryside stealing children and doing haunting, dangerous dances in exercise costumes. She was riding a horse in the Hamptons yesterday when she took a terrible digger, and had to be rushed to Southampton Hospital. Her injuries are said to be not serious, but we are a bit worried that she's not at a different medical facility, as Southampton Hospital isn't really anything more than a wide, sprawling porch where flinty, sad-eyed young blonde men liberally apply poultices of gin and crab salad. Does that cure a broken heart after, in an angry huff, Clyde takes the kids and the Teddy Roosevelt Terrier, Barclay, to his mother's in Beacon Hill? Yes. But old bones broken by horses? Not so much. Ah well. We wish her a speedy recovery, and chastise the paparazzo that allegedly jumped out of the bushes and startled her horse. That's the singer's excuse anyway. And, c'mon, lay off her. She's a little embarrassed, y'know? This just keeps happening. [P6]
• Zounds. Did Diana Ross sleep her way to the top of the recording industry, as a new book claims? More importantly, does anyone care? [P6]
• Ooh, smarty pants love. Actors Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas are apparently twiddling dinkins (I don't know what this means, but it sounds right), if their carnal canoodling at Lower East Side restaurant Little Giant is any indication. They were sucking mug and feeling each other up all through dinner, said some sort of source. Are you jealous? [P6]
• Apparently Melanie Gibson and his wife have been separated since August 2006, even though they're just getting around to the whole divorce thing now. He's been hiding his "tomcatting" by renting a suite at the Four Seasons, rather than bringing his various ladies back to his house or whatever. I just really like the phrase "tomcatting." I picture some proud father bragging to Nigel, Percy, and the other boys at the club that his son has just wasted his summer "tomcatting around." The men chuckle and sigh and for a moment remember summer days years ago when they themselves were young minnowy lotharios. Rakes, maybe. Cads, even. [NYDN]
• Speaking of tomcatting, Matthew McConaughey says, though he has a child with girlfriend Camila Alves, he doesn't plan on marrying any time soon. Because, you know, man it's just like... it's like if you're riding a real tasty wave man, or skating down the street on your stick mobile, man it's great, best thing ever man, right? But you don't want it to go on forever, 'cause... forever's a long time, na'mean broheim? I just want to mellow and play my bingo-bongos and visit The Hot City every afternoon and watch my baby sleep in that crib I made out of coconuts. That's livin' man. That and making millions of dollars for doing shitty movies. The dream, man. [People]

OK! That's it! Short gossip day.

Jump-cut proficient director Tony Scott has signed on to helm Unstoppable, a thriller about a runaway train that's full of dangerous radioactive goop. The engineer (Denzel? Will?) and the conductor (Dakota Fanning?) find themselves in a "race against time" to stop the goop from gooping out all over everybody. Everyone else is villains. [Variety] On-set freakout proficient director David O. Russell has signed up for The Silver Linings Playbook, based on the novel about a sadsack high school teacher who goes to live with his mom after being released from the nut house. [Variety]

Kathy Bates has joined Sandra Bullock in a drama called The Blind Side, about a hobo who learns to play football. And, to love. [Variety] Emma Stone, a future tabloid queen who we want to have a beer with will star in Easy A for Screen Gems. The comedy is about a high school student who, while reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's book-of-the-movie based on Demi Moore's The Scarlet Letter, decides to pretend she's the school slut so she'll be popular. How one only pretends to be a loose woman is unclear to us. [Variety]

Matthew McConaughey (introduced hilariously by Variety as "Fool's Gold thesp") has signed on to be maybe a little serious for once in his goddamned, sun-poisoned life. He'll play the lead in the legal thriller The Lincoln Lawyer, about an attorney made of logs. Or something. [Variety] In other encouraging movie news, presumed blockbusters like Transformers 3 and The Avengers are securing release dates even though nothing has been signed off on them, nor do they even have scripts. So. Good. [Variety]

Bet there's a money-fight going on right now at Dunder Mifflin. NBC has secured lucrative syndication deals for The Office in all 50 top markets across the US. The comedy will air on Fox affiliates this fall. [THR] ABC has cut its 13-episode order of freshman sitcom In the Motherhood to just 6 for this season. The show premiered last Thursday to low-ish (6.7 million) ratings. [Variety]

You won't have to drive over to the Ruby Tuesday's to watch fat people dating each other anymore. No, Fox is developing a reality dating show called More to Love. Fox alternative programming prez Mike Darnell says of the show, in a statement sure to haunt him in the afterlife: "For six years it's been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that's not what the dating world looks like. Why don't real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?" It's true, America. Our real, fat, Bachelor-watching citizenry needs fake, sad reality show love too. Me, I'm just hoping this opens the door for Fat Real World and Fat Housewives of Fat City USA Population: You. [THR]

Meanwhile Survivor guru Mark Burnett is joining ABC in an unholy alliance to produce Shark Tank, an adaptation of a British reality show that is itself an adaptation of a Japanese reality show about rich tycoons giving struggling entrepreneurs money. In this economy! [THR]

This morning on The View, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was all bent out of shape about Phelps' bong hit, giving the tired spiel about how he's a role model and he's setting a bad example, blah blah blah. She went on to claim that since he's willing to use illegal drugs to have a good time, maybe he's open to using illegal drugs to advance his career, as though weed is a gateway drug to steroids or something. Whoopi shot her down pretty quickly, and admitted to enjoying pot.

Elisabeth's argument hinged on the fact that Phelps accepts money to endorse products. One of those is Rosetta Stone, the language-learning software, which is just about one of the most sedentary activities a stoner could enjoy, aside from watching The Wizard of Oz on mute while playing The Dark Side of the Moon. (I should know, since I've been using the program to learn Spanish.) His other sponsors, like Omega and Speedo, totally don't give a shit.

And they shouldn't, because it's silly — in my opinion, anyway — to pass judgment on those who take part in something as innocuous as pot smoking, which many believe is lot less harmful for one's body than alcohol. Besides, despite the fact that it's technically illegal, so many people smoke weed recreationally that it's not all that taboo. Here's a list of celebrities who have either been caught smoking marijuana, or admit willingly to doing so.

Woody Harrelson



Woody is an activist for the legalization of marijuana and hemp.

Willie Nelson



So is Willie Nelson.

Frances McDormand



Frances McDormand was on the cover of High Times in May 2003, in which she said, "I'm a recreational pot-smoker. There has never been enough of a distinction between marijuana and other drugs. It's a human rights issue, a censorship issue, and a choice issue."

Seth Rogen & James Franco



The pair stared in Pineapple Express together, and shared this maybe real/maybe fake joint on stage while presenting an award during the MTV Movie Awards last summer.

Cameron Diaz & Drew Barrymore



Also friends who share.

Justin Timberlake



Timberlake, who used to date Diaz, has been very open about how he smokes weed, sometimes even with is mother. He also admitted that he was stoned out of his mind when he was Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

Kimora Lee Simmons



Kimora Lee Simmons took one of the stoniest mugshots after she was arrested in 2004 for possession.

Nicole Richie



Nicole admitted to having smoked pot, as well as taking a Vicodin, when she was arrested for a DUI charge in 2007.

Paris Hilton



Nicole's buddy Paris' reefer madness has been well documented.

Michelle Phillips



Former singer from The Mamas & The Papas said as recently as 2001 that, "Marijuana should definitely be legalized. I think we should let everyone smoke it without fear of being thrown in jail. It's the greatest drug in the world!"

Snoop Dogg



Duh.

Redman



We'll be here all day if we start listing rappers.

Lil Wayne



But we'll mention Wayne for good measure.

Mariah Carey



Mariah is such a goody-two-shoes that she'd never publicly admit to marijuana use, but on her most recent album, she made plenty of weed references.

Charlize Theron



Academy Award winners like their weed, too.

AARP



In the summer of 2005, the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) hosted a smoke-in to promote the legalization of marijuana. Celebrities that participated: Willie Nelson, Woody Harrelson (obvs), Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, and Robert Downey Jr.

Matthew McConaughey



When McConaughey gets loose, he does so with bongos.

Dionne Warwick



Her work with Burt Bacharach was way too mellow to not be under the influence.

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown



They've got "Something in Common."

Sarah Silverman



Sarah speaks favorably about weed in her act, and smoked with Doug Benson in his movie Super High Me.

Doug Benson



Comedian Doug Benson has centered much of his career around pot.

Oliver Stone



He has the perfect name for someone who's been busted for pot on numerous occasions.

Dawn Wells



Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was arrested last year for possession.

Dave Chappelle

The Pointer Sisters



Oliver Hudson tells a story about his first concert-going experience, during which the Pointer Sisters were getting blazed.

Paul Dinello



It's hard to watch this Strangers With Candy clip about smoking pot without thinking that writer/actor Paul Dinello believes what he is saying.

Barbra Streisand



In a 1972 Rolling Stone interview, Babs said, "I'd take out a joint and light it. First, just faking it. Then I started lighting live joints, passing them around to the band, you know. I was great, it relieved all my tensions. And I ended up with the greatest supply of grass ever. Other acts up and down the Strip heard about what I was doing - Little Anthony and the Imperials, people like that - and started sending me the best dope in the world. I never ran out."

Phelps Backed by Sponsors After Marijuana Photo [TCPalm]
Elisabeth Hasselbeck disses Michael Phelps; Whoopi Goldberg: 'I have smoked weed' [EW]

Perhaps one should! Let's spark up, put on some Ozomatli, and peruse Master McConaughey's latest Myspace tour-de-force, shall we? Here are selections from this blog entry, a road trip chronicle entitled "Travel Blog":

We broke down in the middle of the desert while on that trip, in a place where we hadn't seen nor heard another human for three days. I had to jog down a dirt road for a couple of hours in hope of finding a trace of anyone...Well, I finally did, and her name was "Matty", an 82 year old Mexican woman who loaned me (a complete stranger speaking broken Spanish), her 1981 Isuzu truck with 263,000 miles on it. That truck got us to a place where we could get the gear to fix MY truck and get back on the road...Thanks Matty....just keep livin....Good hearted strangers and trust....cool

Cool, indeed. Sadly, McConaughey omits the under-the-table bartering that will net his son, Levi, a hidden Baja California brother named "EdTV" in nine short months.

After 4,206 miles of camping across America, I was once again reminded of how good looking this country is...saw family and friends, met strangers, made acquaintances...I was in some predominately "red" states when President-elect Obama was elected. I talked to a bunch of people who had voted for McCain and-check this- unanimously, those same people were genuinely excited and hopeful about Obama being elected...They all felt that the country had spoken in earnest, electing Obama, and they were more than "ready for the ride", they were ready to get into the action...cool...j.k. livin

Matthew, you hardly need to go all the way to flyover country to find an American proud about our "first colored president." However, do let us know when you finally stumble upon the five citizens who saw Surfer Dude (still playing at the abandoned dollar theater in Yankton, South Dakota!).

I spent my 39th birthday on the southern rim of the Grand Canyon...almost got "butted" of the edge by a ram and caught some shooting stars...as for the first sight of the GC, mother nature created something that looks so fake, its real....cool

Still, Mother Nature is no match for Mother McConaughey in that department. Just keep livin, Matty. As for those freak ram attacks—maybe it's time to stop bogarting Woody Harrelson's special stash and offer some up to the local wildlife? Imagine: Camilla on one arm, Levi tucked into the other, and one totally baked herd of mountain goats laughing at all your pitches for Contact 2.

• Travel Blog [Myspace]

After the jump: Which new dad is going to wish they never even heard the name David O. Russell in a matter of months?

· ABC won the night with the Three Hours of Country Music Industry Auto-Fellation You'll Never Get Back Again Awards. [Variety]
· Matthew McConaughey's life is about to be made a living hell by director David O. Russell in The Grackle, about a "barroom fighter in New Orleans who hires himself out for $250 to settle disputes." He then dispatches a couple of walleyed Malibu surfers to beat the shit out of the warring parties. [Variety]

It's too late for that, though, and in any case, he has good — if slim — company in the so-called Nickel Club: A-listers with recent films that couldn't break $100K domestically before heading off to home-entertainment oblivion. Take a deep breath of equally rare air after the jump.

· Jessica Simpson, Blonde Ambition — $6,422

Like several of her fellow Nickel Clubbers, Simpson fared much better internationally. A lot better. As in, 99.6% of Ambition's $1.4 million gross was earned overseas. But things will come around once she pays her dues; it doesn't get much harder than a minty love scene with Dane Cook.

· Paris Hilton, The Hottie and the Nottie — $27,696

Another global sensation who nevertheless couldn't hack it at home, Hilton has since moved into documentaries. We salute her new strategy and wish her only the best.

· John Cusack, Grace is Gone — $50,899

An oft-told tale of hubris, mistiming and waste: Cusack's award-winning Sundance drama cashed in at Park City with $4 million of Harvey Weinstein's money. The mogul dumped the film and his Oscar-campaign plans by the end of the year. NB: Cusack's follow-up, War Inc., did 10 times the business last spring almost entirely via word-of-mouth, never creeping over 33 screens.

Honorable Mention: Katherine Heigl, Zyzzyx Road — $30

Filmed not long before Heigl broke through on Grey's Anatomy, history's lowest-grossing release sold exactly five tickets during a one-week run in Dallas in 2006 — one of which was purchased by its own makeup artist. It has picked up nicely as a cult DVD, on wwhich Heigl receives top billing.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• What happened to Matthew McConaughey's 'Surfer, Dude?' [EW]

• Lindsay Lohan called Sarah Palin a "narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe" on Lohan's MySpace page, citing a conference her church on "converting" gays. "She can suck it." [MySpace, Daily News]
• Anna Wintour really, really loved her 30 minutes with LeBron James. Even though it was at a screening. [R&M]
• Vogue's Andre Leon Talley does not appreciate being sprayed with champagne. [P6]
• NBC executive Ben Silverman wisely lets Jeff Zucker win at golf. He's still totally fired. [P6]
• More alleged underage sex victims sued billionaire and Bill Clinton buddy Jeffrey Epstein. [P6]
• Sidney Poitier will steal your wife and then not marry her. And then call her all kinds of un-Sidney-Poitier names! [P6]
• Swimmer Ryan Lochte doesn't have enough gold medals to get laid like Michael Phelps. [P6]
• Spike Lee declared himself done feuding with Clint Eastwood and moved on to Judd Apatow, "whatever that guy is." [Nikki Finke]
• Scarlett Johansson is a total prima donna now that she's Woody Allen's muse. Because that's what's made her a hot commodity. [P6]
• At George "Sulu" Takei's wedding, Chekhov was best man and Uhura was best lady. The husband was Brad Altman, 27 years younger. [ET]
• Amy Winehouse felt she was too ugly to go to her own 25th birthday party, supposedly. [Sun]
• Jennifer Lopez ran a triathlon in 2 hours 23 minutes, compared with 1 hour 30 minutes for Matthew McConaughey. [Us]

There’s no shortage of bare breasts, and McConaughey takes a potshot at himself with a naked didjeridoo session. Though the lighting is low, McConaughey’s junk is on display to guarantee healthy DVD sales.

Could the move, if true, make McConaughey one of the few A-list men to break the full-frontal barrier on screen? Or did the City Beat critic see junk where no junk was, addled by the cinematic contact high implicit in a film starring McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, and Willie Nelson? No matter: suddenly McConaughey's "Baby Longhorn" has suddenly taken on an entirely new meaning. Julianna Margulies, two can play at this game.

• Dude, where's my wave? [CityBeat]

Boomp3.com

The waves of Malibu apparently weren't too kind to hunky actor Matthew McConaughey over the weekend. The Fool's Gold star seemed rather honest about his lackluster surfing performance in the famed Pacific Ocean. McConaughey said, "I could say that I wasn't feeling the vibes because I wasn't feeling the ocean breeze bouncing off my pectorals, or I could say that I saw a dolphin and I got a bit scared that it was going to go after my driving paw. That wasn't it though. I was just no good out there. That, and there were too many people." McConaughey seemed frustrated by the amount of people hogging all the of the waves and wished that the politicians would fix the global warming problem soon. McConaughey added, "It should be cold in September. Or, at least chilly, you know?"

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Skylar Martin Peak, 24, and Philip John Hildebrand, 30, both of Malibu, were each charged with one misdemeanor count of battery for attacking Richid Altmbareckouhammou, who was working for a French news agency, the Los Angeles District Attorney's office said.

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

That bullied photographer Richid Altmbareckouhammou (ri-CHEED AHL-tem-ba- REK-oo-HAM-moo) went through with a legal action sends a strong message to other surfers who think such matters can be solved with a sandy flip-flop shoved down a throat: So long as the public thirsts for images of McConaughey teaching his newborn son Levi the delicate art of the schnot shot while paddling out to shore, there will be paparazzo dug into the sand to capture such tender moments of celebrity/nature communion.

• Two Malibu men charged with attacking paparazzo [Reuters]

In her new book, I Amaze Myself! (iamazemyself.com), Kay McConaughey dishes on everything from her son Matthew’s conception to how her husband died in a compromising position with her!

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

Needless to say, Kay amazes us too. At last we have a clue as to where this former Sexiest Man Alive developed his taste for screwball, fuck-til-we-plotz comedy that has come to define the Matthew McConaughey sensibility. Having learned now of the bittersweet passing of his own father—who died, yes, but did it doing what he loves best—we think it may be time to revisit his entire romcom filmography again, whereupon frothy concoctions like Failure to Launch and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Lays will begin to take on all-new levels of deeply personal significance.

• EXCLUSIVE: Matthew McConaughey's Dad Died Having Sex, Says Mom [Usmagazine.com]

In today's installment: Neil Patrick Harris, Woody Allen, Matthew McConaughey, Brian Grazer, Blake Lively, Pierce Brosnan, Christian Slater, Chris Noth, Jason Lee, Jenny Lewis, John Rzeznik, Dave Navarro, Mark McGrath, Dyan Cannon, Camryn Manheim, Bruce Vilanch and more!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6
· I was at the Arsenal in Los Angeles last night and saw (HOT)MIKE BORTONE (Survivor), PAMELA ALDON ( I remember her from Grease 2, but now on Californication and King of the Hill) and LIZA SNYDER (Yes, Please). They looked like they were having a great time, drinking & laughing & hanging out with a bunch of fun people. At one point I thought Liza & Pamela were going to get up & dance with the DJ's, but no luck. Good Times.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7
· Saw BLAKE LIVELY at Urth Cafe in Beverly Hills. Amazingly, she mistook ME for one of her friends and stopped me as I walked by and said, "Hello." She realized her error and was very sweet in apologizing. She's as pretty in person as she is on TV.

· DYAN CANNON — all 90lbs of her — managed to waft/ tremble/ stumble into my abs class today at Equinox. I thought to myself, "Oh my god, that woman looks like the gorgeous Dyan Cannon, star of my all-time favorite and underrated Al Pacino movie Author! Author! But it can't be her because her surgically enhanced lips are bigger than my ass."

While the instructor yelled at us during the "reverse crunch" series ("this targets LBF, people! Lower Back Fat! Nothing attractive about that!"), I determined that it was indeed her. Her body is 15, most of her face is 35, but her lips are just...wow. A very bad decision. Sort of criminal, really, that some surgeon would go through with that. Someone should hire her for something—but first demand she gets rid of the trout pout.

· I saw WOODY ALLEN & SOON YI today at MOCA. He does not at all try to hide the fact that he's looking at you. Definitely a people watcher.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8
· While at the Eddie Izzard show at the Kodak, I spotted a very cheery CAMRYN MANHEIM. I always expect her to be in a foul mood but she seemed open and, dare I say, bubbly. As I was waiting for the show to start I felt the cold wave of hack comedy wash over the crowd. As I turn around, I see a T-shirt with a hacky comment and the unmistakable bleached bowl-cut of BRUCE VILANCH entering the room. Watching Izzard perform, Vilanch must have felt like a midget trying to guard Shaq. Hopefully it made him realize he should quit the business and leave the hackiness to butchers, golfers, and Dane Cook.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10
· I saw JOHN RZEZNIK of the Goo Goo Dolls getting his Polish on at Warszawa in Santa Monica. He was with some appropriately punk looking pals, pretty cool, having his pierogi.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11
· It was the day of hot rocker boys of the 90’s at Equinox on Sunset. Saw DAVE NAVARRO and MARK MCGRATH. Dave’s always there, so that might not be much of a sighting. Mark got approached by some overeager fangirls and looked a bit confused, then scurried away.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12
· It was a celebrity smorgasbord at Nobu (Malibu) around 8:30pm: BRIAN GRAZER, PIERCE BROSNAN (looking fantastic!), CHRISTIAN SLATER (not so much) and MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY (the usual). They were not all together as that would be just plain weird.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13
· Driving home from work last night (13 Aug) I passed MIA MICHAELS (So You Think You Can Dance) heading in the opposite direction (west - natch!) on the Santa Monica Blvd. at the Van Ness intersection. She drives something big and Jeep-like and black. Naughty lady was at the wheel and using her cellphone. Brazenly! But then, as we all know, celebs are above the law.

· While waiting outside of my chiropractors office...I see CHRIS NOTH (aka, BIG) come out of "Miss Barry's Bootcamp". He was shirtless and glistening all over (having just finished being tortured by "Miss"). Anyway, he was very nice and did not seem to mind people checking him out (nice bod for an over 50 man). Needless to say my tiny little life got a lot bigger for a second.

· It was a celebrity paradox at Poquito Mas on Cahuenga. First, we see a scruffy yet sexy JASON LEE eating with his son PILOT. He seemed like a typical father with him, very sweet, taking him to the bathroom, making sure he had enough nachos, etc. He had a FULL beard (Jason Lee, not the kid), but it kind of worked on him. Then, just minutes later, an absolutely adorable JENNY LEWIS walked in with a pal. They looked like two sweet high school girls. She and Jason Lee made the awkward "I'm famous and you're famous and we are kind of Silver Lakey-Eastsider cool" nod to each other and I couldn't help but think that they would be an adorable couple. A little too cool for school though, perhaps...

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14
· NEIL PATRICK HARRIS and DAVID WALTON (from Quarterlife) are working up a sweat (separately) at Equinox on Sunset.

Matthew McConaughey says the birth of his son will help bring a little joy to others in the world someday. The actor kept the placenta from the July birth of his son and plans to plant it in an orchard, he tells CNN's "House Call with Dr. Sanjay Gupta" in interview scheduled to air in two parts Aug. 9 and Aug 16.

McConaughey says he hopes it will fertilize the land, a ritual long followed in several cultures.

"It's going to be in the orchards and it's going to bear some wonderful fruit," he says, according to an interview transcript. "When I was in Australia, they had a placenta tree that was on the river ... and all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan, whatever aboriginal tribe that was, all the placentas went under that one tree and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength.

"This tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

Were that all, for the Fool's Gold star then plans of harvesting the symbiotic-fluid-enriched pears and apples yielded by little Levi's lifesack, pressing them into the most deliciously life-affirming hard ciders available anywhere in the country. Look for an aggressive "Mighty McConaughey's Afterbirth Ale" TV and radio campaign to hit major markets shortly, only slightly creepier than the one he recently voiced for the National Cattleman's Beef Association.

• Matthew McConaughey to plant placenta in orchard [Yahoo News]

1. Spawn
Clay
Sex: Male
Name: Parker Foster Aiken
Weight: 6 lbs., 2 oz.
Birth Defects: Highlights

Matthew
Sex: Male
Name: Levi Alves McConaughey
Weight: 7 lbs., 4 oz.
Birth Defects: One flip-flop

2. Privacy
Clay
Shield your newborn for as long as possible from the public eye, then premiere him on The View at age four-days-old.

Matthew
Flashbulb innoculation: Subject early and often to as many red-carpet events as possible. Try not to forget car seat cradle on a counter of marked-down "Paris For President" T-shirts at Kitson.

3. Bonding
Clay
Father-son spa days...Front row seats to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular...Blind cheesecake taste-testings.

Matthew
Mutual wingman duties while combing Maui for honeys...bong shopping...post-weightlifting body-scrutinizing sessions.

4. Bedtime Rituals
Clay
Laser tooth whitening...Re-telling of the story of Goldilocks and the Big Fat Ruben Studdard...Christmas carols regardless of season...reassurances that there are no razor-toothed Claymates lurking under the bed.

Matthew
1000 crunches...bongo-accompanied African tribal lullaby...Reminder to "stay strong, little man" before administration of tender kiss on forehead.

• Clay Aiken welcomes baby boy [MSNBC]
• Matthew McConaughey's Son Levi Makes Red Carpet Debut [Usmagazine.com]

• Supposedly, Mary-Kate Olsen could get drawn back in to the Heath Ledger investigation "should new information become available... 'She's somebody they still have their eyes on.'" [The Awful Truth]
• Brad Pitt will star in the Quentin Tarantino remake of Inglorious Bastards, alongside Britney Spears. UPDATE: No, wait, different Tarantino movies!
• Ben & Jerry's promises not to make an Amy Winehouse flavor. Sounds kind of potentially awesome, actually, albeit more for label-reading purposes than actual eating. [The London Paper]
• Brody Jenner of The Hills totally forgot that he had slept with this one chick, who was standing right there in front of him, until reminded by his bro Frankie Delgado. [P6]
• Dennis Hopper is bummed his scenes were mostly cut out of Swing Vote. [R&M]
• Ha ha, someone keeps RSVP-ing for Blake Lively and Penn Badgerly of Gossip Girls without their permission. It's funny because it makes children cry. [R&M]
• Matthew McConaughery's newborn son got his first contact high at a John Mellencamp concert. Awww. [People]
• While Tila Tequila made fun of "Tourette's [sic] Syndrome," she repeatedly mis-spelled Tourette syndrome. [Hot Or Not Gossip]
• Paris Hilton is making a Las Vegas club, but can't talk about it until she is done trademarking the name. "Get Me Out Of Here" is probably taken, but "The Green Light" might be free. [Showbiz Spy]
• Jay-Z won't confirm his marriage to Beyonce because that's "very private." Actually, the mere existence of a marriage and the identities of the people involved is usually quite public. That's actually kind of a key point of the whole marriage thing. Some non-famous people have even been known to advertise theirs in the newspaper and so forth. Anyway. [Us]