[BROOKE ASTOR sits on a couch in a room. She eats peas and oatmeal and waits for her son TONY to visit. She eats some more peas and oatmeal, falls asleep, wakes with a start.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
When I got to a hundred and four
I figured I couldn't go on anymore
When I got to a hundred and five
It made no sense to still be alive.
Now I'm terrified
Nothing's been clarified
What if this ordeal never
ends? What if I go on forever?

[DEATH comes in through the window. He knocks over a stack of bedpans and newspapers that has been left there.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
Hello, dear.

DEATH:
It's filthy in here!

[DEATH takes out his iPhone and checks the calendar. He looks at the screen, looks at BROOKE ASTOR, and touches a button on the screen.]

DEATH:
Check and check
Time's up, Mrs. Astor
I wish that the last few years
Could have gone faster.

[BROOKE ASTOR realizes her visitor is not her son TONY.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
You've come to give me my final reward?
I'm much obliged. I've been so bored.

DEATH:
I'm glad that you don't seem nervous

BROOKE ASTOR:
If anything, I feel expectant.

DEATH:
Let me spray some disinfectant
And then I'll show you our new service

[DEATH sits down next to BROOKE ASTOR, shows her his iPhone, and taps it with its finger. A movie appears onscreen.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
Talking pictures on a tiny transistor
Will modern wonders never cease?

DEATH:
Select one memory to watch
And then it's time for sweet release

BROOKE ASTOR:
Choosing just one seems terribly reckless
It's like singling out just one diamond necklace

DEATH:
Most of my customers pick their first moment of being
There's something about it that they find freeing.

[BROOKE ASTOR agrees to watch her own birth. It is March, 1902, in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. JOHN HENRY RUSSELL, JR. and his wife, Mabel Cecile Hornby Howard Russell, have just become the parents of a baby girl.]

JOHN HENRY RUSSELL, JR.:
This child's name is Roberta Brooke Russell
It's a lovely long name that trips off of the tongue
I'm in the Marines, so we'll travel all over
She'll live nearly everywhere while she's still young
First, off to China, then Hawaii, then Haiti
Roberta will be a truly worldly young lady

[DEATH taps the screen again and the movie vanishes.]

DEATH:
Pretty sweet, huh?
This thing makes it easy
It can also store
All of my MP3s, see?

[DEATH sniffs.]

DEATH:
Something in here really reeks
It's like milk's been left out for weeks.
And I don't know how you're enduring
Sleeping soaked in your own urine.

[BROOKE ASTOR isn't listening. She's lost in a reverie.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
We went off to China, to Hawaii, to Haiti
I did learn to be a worldly young lady
When I was just seventeen, I wed John Dryden Kuser
A cheat and a scoundrel, a drunk, an abuser
We were pledged to each other by rule of law
But when I was with child, John shattered my jaw

[DEATH, nonplussed that he's being ignored, interrupts.]

DEATH:
You usually get just one quick scene
And then I make the lights go dark
But I think you earn a bonus moment
When you pass the century mark

Would you like to watch
The birth of your son?
I'll show you that, too
And then we'll be done

[DEATH taps the screen again, and it shows BROOKE, in 1924, holding her son TONY.]

BROOKE KUSER, 1924:
This darling newborn baby boy
Will be a source of joy, indeed
No child of mine will ever know
The painful ache of want or need
Material comforts, yes,
Are part of what I mean by this
But also my love and devotion
A mother's touch, a mother's kiss
I will hold him to my heart
And I will hold him to my brow
And goodness will pass into him
Like lifeblood; I can feel it now.

[DEATH taps the screen again and the movie vanishes. DEATH and BROOKE ASTOR sit silently for a second. BROOKE ASTOR turns to DEATH and grasps his hand.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
When you first came in, I thought you were Tony.
He's my son, but he's old, and his fingers are bony.
Can you believe that he is eighty-three?
He's the one who takes care of me.

DEATH:
I may be mistaken, but I don't feel
You should live on a diet of peas and oatmeal
When you have two hundred million dollars
Why should you suffer these pitiful squalors?

BROOKE ASTOR:
He tries to do as best as he can
Still, it's too much to ask of an elderly man.

DEATH:
Let's not start a conversation
The train's about to leave the station.
I granted you an extra showing
But now we really must be going.

[BROOKE ASTOR eyes the iPhone.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
I'm really excited to get where we're heading
But could I please look-see at my second wedding?
After ten years of beatings, I got a divorce
Married again in a few years, of course.
He was Charles Marshall, a broker in town
I remember the weather and my wedding gown.
He was heaven on earth, my one and my only.
Not for a moment was I sad or lonely
We were joined at the hip. We were one and the same.
I even made sure that my son took his name.

DEATH:
He sounds great
A real prize
But we're running late
So say your goodbyes

BROOKE ASTOR:
If my call for my second husband won't be heard
Then perhaps you could give me a glimpse of my third.
He was not a man of great popularity
But he helped me develop a strong sense of charity.

DEATH:
Okay, okay,
I'll do you a favor
But I need for you
To sign this waiver

[BROOKE ASTOR signs. DEATH begrudgingly shows her a series of scenes from the fifties and sixties during and after her marriage to VINCENT ASTOR. Most focus on her altruism.]

BROOKE ASTOR, 1962:
Wealth is faintly shameful
That is what I've found
Money's like manure.
It should be spread around.
Philanthropic living
Is the topic. Let's start giving.

Here you go, museum—I think that you will find
That you made out as well as the Lighthouse for the Blind
The public library, too, received a gift from me
I bankrolled the Fresh Air Fund's recent jubilee
Sooner or later you'll all feel my generosity
I'm giving away money with a breathless velocity

[DEATH sets the iPhone on the table.]

DEATH:
That's it. That's curtains. That's the end.
It's time to hit the road, my friend.

BROOKE ASTOR:
Can I see one thing from sixty-four?
After that, I promise, I won't ask for more.

DEATH:
We have to stop.
The shop is closed.
Don't make me sorry
I showed you those.

[BROOKE ASTOR grabs DEATH's cloak.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
Listen, sir.
I'm not so sure
You're understanding
What I'm demanding.
I want to see another scene from long ago.
These final grueling years have been a horror show
Dotage, infirmity, Alzheimer's disease
They've all been killing me by degrees
I forget more than half of the things that I've said
My mind's unmade like a child's bed
It's bleak and it's wretched. I'm sick and depressed.
So please do your damndest to meet my request
And show me life when it was good.
I devoutly wish you would.

DEATH:
I can't. We're done.
That was the last one.
I'm using the john
And then we'll get gone

[DEATH goes to the bathroom, leaving the iPhone on the table. BROOKE ASTOR picks up the iPhone and taps it. She touches the wrong button. Instead of showing her the past, it shows her the present. In it, she sees her son Tony lying about her financial circumstance and siphoning money out of her estate. BROOKE ASTOR tries to turn it off, but inadvertently presses another button and sees the future, in which Tony is arrested for larceny and forgery. BROOKE ASTOR gasps.]

BROOKE ASTOR:
Could this be what's happening
And what happens later?
Could my own son mistreat me
And act the vile traitor?
I almost wish that I could remain
And smack him hard in the head with my cane

[DEATH returns from the bathroom. BROOKE ASTOR hides the iPhone behind her back.]

DEATH
Okay. Good to go?
Let's get to the crypt

BROOKE ASTOR:
Young man, I must tell you
Your fly is unzipped.

[DEATH looks down, embarrassed. BROOKE ASTOR quickly replaces the iPhone. DEATH picks it up and holds out his hand to her. She takes it. She is light on her feet and he says so. She smiles graciously. An hour later, TONY MARSHALL comes to visit his mother. He finds her sitting in her chair. He feeds her some peas and oatmeal. He has her sign some papers. She mumbles "waiver," which he does not understand. He leaves. Five months later, she dies.]

Previously: Fragments from "Death Comes for Britney Spears! The Musical"

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

TEENAGED AL GORE:
I wish I could swim
See that boy over there?
I envy him so
He has such nice wet hair

But something arrests me
And gives me great pause
It's not fear of drowning
It's not that film "Jaws."

I know the statistics
For all of these things
But the water is freezing
The freakin' stuff stings

[ANNA, also a teenager, hears TEENAGED AL GORE talking.]

ANNA:
I am a girl of some repute
I have a low-cut bathing suit
I think that young Al Gore is cute
Last year in band I played the flute

[ANNA walks to the water. TEENAGED AL GORE starts to follow but stops at
the water's edge.]

TEENAGED AL GORE:
Damn it
I'm shivering
My forearms are quivering
I wanted some bravery
But my heart's not delivering
Anna, wait-
You look great-
Sometimes males and female mate.

[ANNA ignores TEENAGED AL GORE and walks off with another boy.]

TEENAGED AL GORE:
I curse this foul ocean
And its frigidity
Now I am left alone with
My own rigidity

I call on the gods
And ask them to decree
That the cold ocean turn
To a vast lukewarm sea

I call on the gods
To heat up the oceans
And by doing so save me
From my shameful emotions

[TEENAGED AL GORE goes home and tries to forget about ANNA. He throws himself into his studies, then into journalism, then into politics. He marries. He starts a family. Years later, as a United States Senator whose work concerns climate change, among other topics, AL GORE finds himself dictating an editorial for the Washington Post to his secretary.]

AL GORE
It's with a heavy heart that I enter this debate
Living species are expiring at a rapid rate
So here, right now, today, I call for a new plan
To rescue our dear earth from the tentacles of man
Perhaps around the capitol you've seen my new graffiti
"Big Al Says Let's Not Forget To Ratify the Kyoto Treaty."

[AL GORE goes home. He plays tennis, takes a little run, eats, watches an episode of "Alf," and then steps into the shower, where he reflects with pride upon his editorial.]

AL GORE:
It's a wonderful feeling
To take a hot shower
But the earth must be cooled in this perilous hour
I can wash, I can lather
I can rinse and repeat
But we must force this warming to beat a retreat

[Suddenly, in the shower, AL GORE stops, stockstill.]

AL GORE:
Holy moly
Holy crap
It's as if
I got a slap

I remembered
Something bad
Back from when
I was a lad

[AL GORE goes into his bathroom and speaks to the mirror. He is nude.]

AL GORE:
I have said that I don't know
The cause of global warming
That is not exactly true
I am partly disinforming

A few minutes ago
I was gripped by a thought
I was in a cold sweat
Though the water was hot

I was seized by the fear
That I caused this alarm
Years ago as a boy.
I did the earth harm

I was simply attempting
To turn a girl's head
I didn't want boiling oceans.
Or our polar bears dead!

I just wanted to walk
To the water and wade
But the ocean was cold
And I was far too afraid

[Consumed with guilt that his appeal to the gods caused the oceans to heat up, AL GORE devotes himself to an aggressive environmental agenda throughout his time as Vice-President in the Clinton Administration. After losing the 2000 election to George W. Bush, AL GORE decides to exit politics and become a full-time climate-change activist.]

AL GORE:
I fight for my planet every day
Like a kind of superhero
If climate change was a giant moth
I would be the great Go-jiro
That's Godzilla's real name
The two beasts are one and the same.

[OTHERS question AL GORE's conclusions-not those regarding Godzilla, but those regarding climate change.]

OTHERS:
You say the planet's slowly heating
But honestly, aren't you repeating
Science that has been debunked
And consequently should be junked?

For that matter, suppose the seas
Are warmer by a few degrees—
Is this really something that
We must spend billions to combat?

[AL GORE stands in front of a world map, which begins to scroll behind him, and reviews what he has learned about climate change.]

AL GORE:
Look, I wore a Speedo
When I went to Tallinn
It's as warm as Quito
And that's just appalling

The very next day
It was off to Helsinki
Where I sported a thong
As wide as my pinky

Reykjavik was next
And to reprise my point
I fashioned a sleeve
To fit over my joint

In all of these places
It should have been freezing
But instead the weather
Was mild and pleasing

So when the detractors
Question this finding
I must always insist
That the facts here are binding

[After AL GORE's World Swimwear tour, he invents a better way to spread his message: slide presentations on campuses across the country.]

AL GORE:
Let me say right away
That my tone is monotonous
Still, you can see that
The earth will grow hot, and thus

We need to be careful
Be better caretakers
Consumers and companies
And even lawmakers

I know that some people
Think I'm Chicken Littling
But they are like Nero
While the earth warms, they're fiddling

[When people in the audience fall asleep, as some do, they blame it on the warm room, and blame that, in turn, on climate change. But increasingly, people begin to show interest in AL GORE's work, including a number of celebrities.]

LAURIE DAVID:
Am I upset?
Of course I am. You bet.
I'm also quite saddened and disturbed.
Our ability
To take responsibility
Has been almost completely curbed.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO:
We have to save our planet
We don't have any choice
We have an obligation
To speak with a collective voice
Until now all attempts
Have been tangled in red tape
Now I think I know
What's wrong with Gilbert Grape

[Different celebrities get different reactions from AL GORE]

TOM ARNOLD:
This is so important
Indisputably vital
The earth's present course
Is quite suicidal
Any help whatsoever
You might need from me
Just say the word and I'll be there
Count me as your deputy

AL GORE:
Absolutely—
Whatsoever—
So nice of you—
Right, yeah, whatever

JESSICA ALBA:
Mr. Gore
I implore
You to let me do my part
Please, sir, tell me how to start
Do you need any help
Applying for new grants?

AL GORE:
New studies have shown
What I have long known
Most of the warming
Occurs in my pants

[AL GORE and his celebrity supporters begin to spread the word about climate change. While talking to LEONARDO DICAPRIO about whether "A Boy's Life" should have carried a disclaimer distinguishing it from the magazine of the same name, AL GORE is approached by a HOLLYWOOD INSIDER.]

HOLLYWOOD INSIDER:
Excuse me
Mr. Vice President
I know
It's not so evident
But I love our environment
I'm conservationist. I'm green.
Have you thought of bringing
Your message to the silver screen?

AL GORE:
I have, to be frank
It would help spread the news
I'm assuming that
I would be played by Tom Cruise?

HOLLYWOOD INSIDER:
To illustrate your deep conviction
We were thinking a nonfiction
Film might make a bit more sense.
Plus, Cruise is handsome. No offense.

[AL GORE cries a bit but recovers his composure. The film, "An Inconvenient Truth," wins an Academy Award. AL GORE begins to fly around the world, spreading his message of climate change. Critics, including conservative commentator SEAN HANNITY, question his motives.]

SEAN HANNITY:
Brand him as a hypocrite?
Sure, I'll take a crack at it.
Can you believe that guy's presumption?
He preaches limited consumption
And energy awareness, yet
He travels in a private jet.
He's blinkered, unhinged, and pedantic
And his carbon footprint is gigantic

[AL GORE soldiers on.]

AL GORE:
Other men fret about the economy
Or sharpen up their political bonhomie
Confronted with science that is large and complex
They put their head in the sand and save their own necks

They say that I'm am grandstanding
Though my speeches now run a hundred grand
Still, how can you put a price on life
As our planet fights its brave last stand?

[Rumors begin that AL GORE may be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Finally, in October, 2007, he is.]

AL GORE:
The Peace!
The Prize!
What underlies
This great award
Is broad accord
On our earth's dire fate
The challenge for us now is great
Let's stand against waste and excess
And save our planet from distress

The Prize!
The Peace!
Can we decrease
Our consumption?
Our assumption
Is that we can
And offset the effects of man
We've walked the earth for centuries
Can't we tread more lightly, please?

The Peace!
The Prize!
The world's eyes
Are on this cause
Perhaps new laws
Will soon be passed
To help control our greenhouse gas
Emissions and pollution, too
Planet Earth, this one's for you!

[The lights fall. AL GORE speaks softly.]
AL GORE:
The Prize!
The Peace!
I am released
From servitude
I feel renewed
When I was young I loved a girl
And thus endangered the whole world
I've done my penance; I've done my best;
I've acted nobly; now I can rest

[AL GORE falls to his knees and kisses the earth. It is cooler than he expects. He smiles, closes his eyes. He opens them, joins Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers.]

Previously: Fragments From "Copperfield! The Musical"
Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD is at home, in bed. He is reviewing the circumstances of his own life, as he does every night.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Hocus Pocus
I was born near Ho-ho-kus
Forty miles to the south, to be precise
As a child in Metuchen
I made quite a production
Of mastering each and every magical device:

Magic milk pitchers, cups and balls,
Silks and ropes and linking rings,
Money makers, coins and vases.
Oh, I learned so many things.
Abracadabra alakazam!
That's the kind of guy I am.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD stands to sing. Luckily, he is wearing a robe, as it is Tuesday night. Mondays and Wednesdays are "Dave time" and consequently robeless.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Oh, I was a teenage illusionist
I could make a card vanish with a flick of the wrist
Yes, I was a teenage illusionist
Though it scuttled my social life, I had to persist

These days, I'm famous all over the world
I'm the top entertainer on this big blue globe
In 2005 I took in fifty-nine million
I have eighty large right here in my robe

How did I do it? How did I grow
From a pencil-necked geek to a sorcery pro?
My path to greatness must remain hidden
Disclosing my secrets, of course, is forbidden

But I can, without cheating, review my achievements
I had network specials on TV every year
I walked right through the Great Wall of China
I made a freakin' jet plane disappear

And yet, through it all, I've remained sad and lonely
I have mastered illusions and close-up effects
But I haven't located a true one and only
I haven't had love and I haven't had sex

Yes, that's right: I'm as dextrous as any brain surgeon
But I'm fifty years old and I am still a virgin.
For years, I had Claudia Schiffer on payroll
But she wouldn't get close to touching my pole.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM calls up the stairs.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM:
Go to bed now, Mr. Top Entertainer
Outen the lights! Don't forget your retainer!

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
That's it. This has to end.
I need a girlfriend.

[The next morning, after his mom makes him pancakes, DAVID COPPERFIELD announces his intention to leave.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Remember when I vanished the Statue of Liberty?
Liberty has been on my mind ever since
And so, my dear mother, the time has now come
For me to depart.

DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM
You've been dropping hints.
If you absolutely have to go
Just tell me where—I need to know.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD makes a map appear in his hand. He points dramatically to the Bahamas.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
This is where I'll go when I leave

DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM:
The map was folded up inside your sleeve.

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Mom, please!
Geez, louise!
Magic is my expertise!
At any rate, I'll miss you, Mama
But I must strike out for Grand Bahama.

DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM:
That's the place you're thinking of heading?
That's where your cousin Irv had his wedding.
Plus, it isn't really the season.
But I'm sure that you have a reason.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD makes a piece of paper appear in his other hand. It has the words "Fountain of Youth" written on it.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM:
The Mountain of Youth?

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
It says "Fountain," mom
And try to stay calm
I'm about to disclose
Where it magically flows.
It's a magical island. I'm a magical man.
If any place can satisfy me, that one can.

DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM:
Okay, go on. Enjoy, enjoy.
Pack up a sandwich. Such a nice boy.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD goes to the Bahamas. He searches for the Fountain of Youth for twenty minutes, and then heads to a bar to try to get a girlfriend.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
It's time to show off
How suave I can be
Bartender, bring me
A Long Island Iced Tea

[DAVID COPPERFIELD tastes his drink, sets it back down. It's too strong. He picks it back up and takes another sip. Still too strong. At length, he strikes up a conversation with KAREN, a woman sitting next to him at the bar.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Hi, I'm David Copperfield
This deck of cards is completely sealed
Pick a card, now put it back
Your card was red but now it's black.
Watch the deck now. Presto changeo-o!

KAREN:
I have to say, you sure are strange-o.

[KAREN walks away. DAVID COPPERFIELD talks to another woman named HANNAH.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Hi

HANNAH:
Hello.

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Are you alone?

HANNAH:
I don't know
It just depends

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Do you think we could be friends
Or maybe start up a romance?

HANNAH:
Are you happy to see me or is that a wand in your pants?

[HANNAH walks away. DAVID COPPERFIELD returns to his 150-acre estate, goes to his private magic laboratory, and begins to cry.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Women just won't talk to me
What am I doing wrong?
I made a blue flame leap up from my thumb.
My patter is extremely strong.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD rummages through a book of spells until he finds one that allows him to create a woman. He repeats the spell over and over again, increasingly desperate that he will never have a girlfriend. Finally, there's a flash of light and smoke and a naked woman appears. DAVID COPPERFIELD giggles.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD
Amazing
Surprising
My courage
Is rising
She'll behave
As I say
Be my slave
Every day

[DAVID COPPERFIELD touches the woman on the breast.]

WOMAN
Hands to home
You stupid wizard
Your eyes bug out
Just like a lizard

[DAVID COPPERFIELD continues to paw the WOMAN. When it is clear that he will not stop, she punches DAVID COPPERFIELD in the nose.]

DAVID COPPEFIELD:
Ow, my nose
I hurt, I hurt
There's blood running down
The front of my shirt

WOMAN:
Hey, jackass, I said hands off
You may be bloodied but I'm not bowed
You may be able to hornswoggle millions
But you're not as impressive without a big crowd

[The WOMAN punches DAVID COPPERFIELD in the nose again. He frantically casts a spell to immobilize her. In the morning, he tries to uncreate her, but cannot. He puts her on a plane, sits down on his bed, and almost immediately feels panic over what he has done.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
P
Oh, woe is me
Pres
I made a mess
Prestid
What if I'm arrested?

[DAVID COPPERFIELD falls down. DOVES AND CARDS appear in the air over him, where stars and robins would be if he was a cartoon character. They dance alongside him as he sings.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Prestidigitation!
Oh, prestidigitation
I was taking a vacation
To a tropical location
Because of foul temptation
I put on a demonstration
Of destructive desperation
And without consideration
For my magical creation
Brought on much frustration
And a tragic situation
How I wish that conjuration
Could effect a transformation
And turn my sin into salvation
Instead my guilt and my shame will just worsen
For I took advantage of an actual person

DOVES AND CARDS:
Boil, boil, toil and trouble
Until you were twenty you couldn't grow stubble
But your lack of manliness is no excuse
For cruelty, selfishness, greed, and abuse

[DAVID COPPERFIELD tries to swat the DOVES AND CARDS. Just at that moment, GARY, a Federal Agent, knocks at the front door of the estate. DAVID COPPERFIELD opens the door a crack. GARY pushes past DAVID COPPERFIELD and enters the room.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
What is your reason for barging in violently?
What is the charge, sir? What is my crime?
I'll cause a big stir—I'm not the type to stay silent, see
I'm a famous magician, you know, not a mime.

GARY:
Hey, pocket protector
Just cool your jets
We don't respond
Very kindly to threats

[DAVID COPPERFIELD attempts to turn GARY into a rabbit. He fails. He then attempts to produce a quarter from GARY's ear. He succeeds. GARY grabs the quarter and flings it to the ground angrily.]

GARY:
Look here, supergeek
Take a peek at our warrant
Someone is accusing you
Of something abhorrent

I'm going to search
This mansion, and then
I'll fly to Las Vegas and
Start searching again

[GARY searches the Bahamian estate and then flies to Las Vegas to search DAVID COPPERFIELD's warehouse. DAVID COPPERFIELD takes a plane there, too, drives quickly from the airport to the warehouse, then leaps from behind a potted fern and pretends that he has just appeared.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Sim sala bim!

GARY
Holy moly—it's him
This is ridiculous
This is absurd
My job's hard enough
Without this damned nerd

[GARY punches DAVID COPPERFIELD in the nose.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Come on, Gary
Was that necessary?

GARY:
Back off, Mandrake. You're a disgrace.
And my knuckles are hungry for some more of your face
If you truly committed this felony
You'll be doing your tricks in Cellblock D.

[DAVID COPPERFIELD runs to the corner. While cowering there, he calls his mother on his cell phone.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Mom, come quick
I need you here
I feel sad and sick
I want you to appear

[DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM appears.]

DAVID COPPERFIELD:
Mommy, mommy
I'm the loneliest swami
I've lost all perspective inside my head
Mommy, mommy
Won't you please calm me?
Will you take me home and tuck me in to bed?
I was only trying to please her
Why do people keep smashing my beezer?

[DAVID COPPERFIELD'S MOM approaches DAVID COPPERFIELD. Her arms are extended in an embrace. As she nears her son, she makes a fist with her right hand and punches him in the nose.]

Previously: Fragments from "Death Comes for Britney Spears! The Musical"

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

[DEATH is bored. He calls his friend BILL.]

BILL:
Hey, you
What say you?

DEATH:
It's not a good day
Really, Bill
Sure I have the
Time to kill
But I fear that I don't have the will

I go about my business
Every morning, noon, and night
Most doomed souls go easily
Some put up a fight

But honestly it's boring me
I don't know what to say
The last pickup that I enjoyed
Was probably that Martha Raye

BILL:
Dude, you know what?
You should totally get
Someone who isn't ready quite yet

DEATH:
It's not allowed.
The fines would be large.

BILL:
Fines? Wait a second—
Aren't you in charge?

DEATH:
In a sense, but it's complex
The afterlife has many checks
And balances. I can't just slay
Whoever springs to mind today.
I mean, well, yeah, I guess I could
But I'm not sure it would be good.

BILL:
That's the very point I'm making
You need to stop your bellyaching
You're not the flu. You're not the sprain.
You're Death, so rule your domain.

Now I have to hang up the phone
My wife went out and I'm alone
It's one of those rare Just Bill nights:
Just Bill and fifty porn websites.

[DEATH laughs at his friend, betraying a trace of envy.]

DEATH:
Bill is a genius
Although he's a rake
But who will I go for?
Who will I take?

I'm calling Bill back
Damn, he turned off his phone
I don't really feel like
Going out there alone

[DEATH calls some other friends to see if anyone wants to go collect a few souls with him. Most are busy or invent an elaborate excuse to avoid the errand. Finally, DEATH calls LITTLE RICHARD.]

LITTLE RICHARD:
Whoooo-eeee!!!
Who's calling me?

DEATH:
It's death
But don't worry
This isn't business
It's just that, well
I feel depressed
And I'd love to have you
As my guest
On a little trip across the earth
To find some souls and reverse their birth

[LITTLE RICHARD is enthusiastic about the idea.]

LITTLE RICHARD:
Whooo-hoooooo!!!
Where should I meet you?

DEATH:
It doesn't really matter. We'll
Be traveling by astral plane.
So how about the Platter Kill?
I've always loved the name.

[LITTLE RICHARD and DEATH meet by the Platter Kill, a stream in upstate New York. DEATH is wearing his trademark black robe. LITTLE RICHARD is wearing his traditional red jacket with rhinestones.]

LITTLE RICHARD:
Eeeee-aaaaaaaaaa!!!
Good to see ya.

DEATH:
Good to see you, too, my friend
So tell me: whose life should we end?

LITTLE RICHARD:
I've got an idea

DEATH:
I'm all ears

LITTLE RICHARD:
Let's go get that Britney Spears

DEATH:
That's an interesting notion
It would cause a great commotion
And her music's already dead, if you know what I mean
But she's still in her youth
And to tell you the truth
I had sort of been thinking of killing Tom Green

LITTLE RICHARD:
The girl can't help it
She was born to sleaze
You'll see her here and there
Down on bended knees
Can she at least get
Green monkey disease?

[They agree to flip a coin. LITTLE RICHARD produces a coin, which is a quarter with a picture of himself on one side. The other side has a picture of his butt.]

LITTLE RICHARD:
Snakes and snails
And hog slop pails
And whips and wails
I call tails!!!

[It is tails. In Canada, in this middle of filming a scene where he French-kisses a cow, TOM GREEN feels an unspeakable cold shudder through him.]

TOM GREEN:
You know what's strange?
I was briefly changed.
A cloud crossed my heart
And gave me a start
But I'm all better now.
Please bring back that cow.

[DEATH and LITTLE RICHARD land in the living room of BRITNEY SPEARS. It is disorganized. Magazines are everywhere, along with lingerie and empty pizza boxes.]

DEATH:
It's hard to find her
Amidst this debris
She's probably still sleeping
It's not even three

[BRITNEY SPEARS stumbles out of the bedroom. She has slept in sunglasses.]

BRITNEY SPEARS:
I'm really sorry
I slept so late
Did I miss another court date?

LITTLE RICHARD:
Girl, listen, I'm sure you did
But that's not why we're here
You were young and pretty before
Now you look like you drank a whole keg of beer

BRITNEY SPEARS:
Don't make rude sport
Of my rise and fall
I'm not a bad sort
Not at all, y'all

[DEATH interrupts.]

DEATH:
Do you truly wish to understand
Why we've come unannounced and unplanned?

BRITNEY SPEARS:
Yes
I guess

DEATH:
In a minute I'll take off my hood
And you'll behold my flaming skull
And terror will consume your mind
And all your senses will go dull
An icy finger on your brow
Will take you from the here and now

BRITNEY SPEARS:
I'm sorry, y'all, but I don't know Greek
Is that the language you're trying to speak?

DEATH:
Your mortal essence will lay coiled
At your feet just like that snake
You danced with at the VMAs
And I don't mean Justin Timberlake
You'll sleep but you will not awake

BRITNEY SPEARS:
I swear, I don't know what y'all are saying
Is this some trick that Kevin's playing?

LITTLE RICHARD:
Bama lama bama loo
Honestly, what can we do
So that you understand this visit
It's not that complicated, is it?

A wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom
We are here to seal your doom!
Ready, set, go man go
Let's get started with the show

BRITNEY SPEARS:
I'm dying now?
What? Why? And how?

[DEATH fidgets.]

DEATH:
Well, it's not like I was bored
And needed something to do
And looked around the world
And randomly picked you

[DEATH removes his hood. He has, as promised, a flaming skull. He steps forward and touches BRITNEY SPEARS on the breast.]

BRITNEY SPEARS:
Hey! Uh, wait—
You said my head.

DEATH:
Oh yeah. Right.
Okay. You're dead.

[BRITNEY swoons. Everything around her dissolves. She begins to sing with the voice of an angel.]

BRITNEY SPEARS:
Once I was a kind of modern Cinderella
And then I beat the crap out of a car with an umbrella
Oh...
It's all coming back to me now in a blur
I worshipped Madonna and made out with her
I lived a life of adventure and fun
I drank! I smoked! I hit and run!
I shaved my head! I shaved my vagina!
I acted as dumb as Miss South Carolina!
Please take care of my mom and my kids
I am kneeling and praying and closing my lids
Goodbye, Sean Preston. Goodbye, Jayden James.
Hey - not bad - I remembered their names.
My journey from childhood to B-cup to pre-nup
Is over. I'm done. I surrender. I give up.
I'm laying down flat on the floor of the room
So you can convey me to my timeless tomb.

[DEATH bends down to pick up BRITNEY SPEARS but notices that she is not wearing underwear.]

DEATH:
Problem.

LITTLE RICHARD:
What?

DEATH:
I would take her but...

[LITTLE RICHARD peers downward. He notices the absence of underwear, too.]

LITTLE RICHARD:
Oooo-aaaaa-eeeeee!!!
Do you mean to say
That you can't lift her
And take her away
If she isn't wearing drawers?

DEATH:
Sadly, yes. Can she wear yours?

LITTLE RICHARD:
Aaaaa-iiiiii-ooooooo!!!
Upon further review
I'm sorry to say
I'm commando, too

[BRITNEY SPEARS stirs, wakes.]

BRITNEY SPEARS:
I must have left the world behind
This place I'm in, it must be heaven
I was born back in the eighties
And died here in two-thousand-seven
Be strong, my fans—be good, be brave
Bring cans of Red Bull to my grave

[BRITNEY SPEARS stands shakily and tries to float away.]

LITTLE RICHARD:
Jenny jenny, wooo, jenny jenny
When it comes to brains you ain't got any
Hep-bop-a-dee-dee-dee-dee-wa-bop-bop
The process came to a full stop

[DEATH explains the situation to BRITNEY SPEARS more respectfully.]

DEATH:
I thought you'd be taken
I thought we'd be going
But we ran into trouble
Your privates are showing

[BRITNEY SPEARS is elated.]

BRITNEY SPEARS:
I'm saved, I'm saved!
I feel so strange
I'll learn to behave
I promise I'll change

[DEATH shrugs. He isn't really concerned with better behavior.]

LITTLE RICHARD
Bad luck baby put the jinx on me
I think it's time for us to flee

[DEATH and LITTLE RICHARD return first to the Platter Kill and then to their respective homes. DEATH is still frustrated by his inability to kill BRITNEY SPEARS, and the rules prohibit him from taking another crack at TOM GREEN for a while, so he kills his friend BILL instead. BILL's wife comes home to find him slumped in front of the computer, which is displaying a porn site. At BILL's funeral, she makes a speech about how BILL was the man of her dreams, and how she hoped to have a family with him, and how those imagined children would now never have the opportunity to have him as a father. She then sits in her car and plays BRITNEY SPEARS's new album, "Blackout," at top volume. It helps, a little, for a little while.]

Previously: Fragments From "Isiah! The Musical"

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS goes to work for the New York Knicks.]

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Oh! My first day
I am so excited
It's like there's a party
And I've been invited

A wonderful franchise
A wonderful town
I'm floating on clouds
And I'm not coming down

[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS meets ISIAH THOMAS.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
Hello, I am Isiah Thomas.
Have you met my brother John?
He lives inside my boxer shorts
It's him that I depend upon

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
I'm sorry, sir
I beg your pardon
I'm new here
Working at the Garden

ISIAH THOMAS:
Well, I'm a big shot around these parts
I'm the coach of the team so I have clout.
Do you know the difference between my wang and a sandwich?
No? Well let's have a picnic, and you can find out.

[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS tries to ignore ISIAH THOMAS's behavior. Still, it continues]

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
I really need those papers signed

ISIAH THOMAS:
I'll get on top of you and grind

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
We need to talk about the team

ISIAH THOMAS:
I'll drive the lane until you scream

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Call back the commissioner

ISIAH THOMAS:
My hand's full of conditioner

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Are you ready for the meeting?
They're serving sandwiches and pie

ISIAH THOMAS:
I know which pie I should be eating
So good it makes a grown man cry

[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS challenges ISIAH THOMAS to a game to end the comments.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
I notice you're taller

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
But you're a pro baller

ISIAH THOMAS:
That much I can guarantee
Balling is my specialty

[ANUCHA BROWN SANDERS sighs. She plays the game. ISIAH THOMAS wins, 11-8.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
I've been meaning to ask you this
Will you reach inside my pants?
I'm just looking for a kiss
Without the charm or the romance

[This is the last straw. ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS goes to JAMES DOLAN, the chairman of Madison Square Garden. JAMES DOLAN is holding a lightbulb in his hand and flipping a switch on the wall next to him. He seems confused that the bulb will not illuminate.]

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
I hate to be the squeaky wheel
I hate to be a bad news bearer
You need to get things in control
You need to prevent further error

JAMES DOLAN:
This bulb won't light—
It's busted, right?

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
When Isiah said
He would make a pass
I thought he meant an assist
Not him eying my ass

JAMES DOLAN:
Remember when I flicked the switch?
This thing should light without a hitch
Ms. Browne Sanders, will you sit
While I try to get it lit?

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
Mr. Dolan, I won't sit
Your request is inappropriate
The people here are inept bosses
Perhaps that explains the team's recent losses

[JAMES DOLAN, stung by her accusation that he is inept — he doesn't know what the word means, but he faintly remembers that words starting with "in" tend to be negative — and furious that she won't help him with his lightbulb problem, fires ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS.]

ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS:
When Mr. Thomas discussed penetration
And taking it hard to the hole
I played along and was a good sport
But now, Mr. Dolan, I'll see you in court

[Even though JAMES DOLAN is in his own office, he stands huffily and leaves. He goes into the closet instead. The racket of falling mops and brooms is heard. The next day, ISIAH THOMAS heads about the lawsuit.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
I always wear a suit these days
But a lawsuit? Never.
These wily working women
Think that they're so clever

If we're going to trial
I'll do it in style

I'll cruise through the proceeding
Consistently succeeding
Then I'll be sipping Hennessey
In my fancy suite in MSG

Bring on the stupid trial
I'll win by a mile

I was a great ball handler
So why won't she handle my balls?
I wish she'd come and see my office
Or return my repeated calls
Or just accept the fact that
On a crisp November evening
I might wait outside her window
For hours without leaving

I welcome a trial
Have you seen me smile?

[The case goes to court. ISIAH THOMAS explains how ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS's charges will be destructive to the team.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
And stones and sticks
May hurt the Knicks

Throw rocks and twigs
If you insist
Say sexist pigs
Are in your midst

But in the end
Your accusation
Is just a source
Of aggravation

It's only words
It's only names
Our job here
Is to win our games

So fling those sticks
And throw those rocks
But aim them at
The jury box

[ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS repeats her claims regarding ISIAH THOMAS's behavior. Other revelations include the fact that former intern KATHLEEN DECKER had sex with Knicks player STEPHON MARBURY in the back seat of a car in the parking lot of a strip club.]

KATHLEEN DECKER:
I got in the car
Excited? Very.
I was about to have a night with Marbury
He shoots, he scores
He's not a scrub
I had just emerged from the topless club
Marbury's a star
Or the closest we've got
And I was drunk in a parking lot

STEPHON MARBURY:
My sneakers cost just fifteen dollars
They're perfect for the country's youth
This intern, man, was even cheaper
That may be rude but it's the truth

[KATHLEEN DECKER then testifies that ANUCHA BROWNE SANDERS was an abusive boss.]

KATHLEEN DECKER:
She yelled at me
And made me feel inferior
Even before I had sex
In the car's interior
And pleather stuck
To my posterior

[Suddenly, ANITA HILL bursts into the courtroom.]

ANITA HILL:
He touched me too
It's true. I promise.

ISIAH THOMAS:
Now what the hell?

ANITA HILL:
Sorry—wrong Thomas

[ANITA HILL exits the courtroom. The jury deliberates. They find ISIAH THOMAS guilty. The Knicks are ordered to pay $11.6 million in punitive damages. ISIAH THOMAS addresses the press.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
I'm innocent, very innocent
You can write that down
You can put it in print
I'm being smeared, being very smeared
Just you wait and see
I'll be totally cleared
Of the lies and the slanders
Of Anucha Browne Sanders

[ISIAH THOMAS goes back to Madison Square Garden. His first stop is JAMES DOLAN's office. He picks up the phone immediately and gets back to work.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
Get me Wade!
What do you mean no trade?
Draft Durant!
What do you mean we can't?
How about Ewing?
Are we renewing
His contract? I can't concentrate
So filled am I with rage and hate.

[ISIAH THOMAS realizes that JAMES DOLAN's phone is a plastic prop. It's not even plugged into the wall. This should make him laugh, but it makes him cry.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
I'm not cut out for the normal world
I only know about basketball
Even if I wanted a sexual favor
I never should have asked at all

Maybe I'll be exiled
To Georgia or Wisconsin
All because I wanted her
To touch my Magic Johnson.

[ISIAH THOMAS brightens.]

ISIAH THOMAS:
This verdict is so horrible
And yet, I see a silver lining
Somewhere off beyond the clouds
A ray of sunlight's slyly shining

The things I've been convicted of
Might be a great distraction
From the fact that the team I ran
Performed to no one's satisfaction

When Larry Brown went overboard
I took charge of the Knicks
And they just threw up bricks
Throughout two thousand six

To say they were embarrassing
Is an insult to embarrassments
And so now I will grit my teeth
And tolerate these grim events

[ISIAH THOMAS does appeal the conviction, but only so that the issue of his guilt or innocence will stay in the headlines. The Knicks narrowly squeak by in a preseason exhibition against Tel Aviv and are blown out by the Cavaliers, 112-83, in the season opener.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments From 'Me And O.J.! The Musical'

[BEN GREENMAN is on a yacht in the Mediterranean. GAWKER calls. BEN GREENMAN's assistant holds the telephone near his head so he can talk.]

GAWKER
Do you know why we're calling?
It's musical time
Twice every month
You make the news rhyme

BEN GREENMAN
Yeah, well, I'm in a kind of reassessment phase with regard to those musicals.

GAWKER
Maybe there's a bad connection
As you know, we have a contract
We met your price; you signed the deal
That is an accomplished fact.

BEN GREENMAN
I can have my lawyers call you if you like. But the recent behavior of celebrities has been pretty dismal, and not in the right way. It just hasn't sparked any productive thoughts.

GAWKER
Do you like your new Bugatti
Or your Gerald Genta jump hour?
We can and will withhold your fee
That's well within our power.

BEN GREENMAN
I'm mentally tapped for the moment. If it costs me the full amount every month, I'll be sad to see it go, but there's not much I can do. Plus, it's almost Yom Kippur. I'm not especially devout, but I've been wondering if maybe it's wrong to trivialize the news in this way. Who does it help? Isn't Larry Craig in terrible pain like any man with a double life? Isn't Salman Rushdie suffering from his divorce like any man who has lost his wife? Isn't Lindsay Lohan, even, a victim of her fame? Should I be mocking those people? Their priorities have been twisted in some cases, or they've been undone by circumstance, but they're still people. If only there was a target that absolutely deserved all the mockery I could deliver, someone who was utterly unsympathetic.

GAWKER
You've overthinking.
Have you been drinking?
You have exactly seven days
To pass out of this phase.

[BEN GREENMAN hangs up the phone. He stretches out dolorously on his yacht. A few days later he flies to New York City to meet some friends for dinner at Masa. During the meal, he notices that O.J. SIMPSON is also eating at the restaurant. A little while longer, O.J. SIMPSON notices BEN GREENMAN.]

O.J. SIMPSON
Oh my stars
Oh my Lord
My heart has just soared
The joy that I'm feeling
Cannot be ignored
It's Ben Greenman
Sitting right here
It's Ben Greenman
Sitting so near

His musicals have brought me so much pleasure
It's like I'm Mel Fisher and they're sunken treasure
Whenever I read them they make me laugh
If I charted my mirth upon a graph
The line would start at zero and rise high
Perhaps it would reach up to the sky

[BEN GREENMAN continues to eat.]

O.J. SIMPSON
Should I speak to him?
Or should I not?
I don't know
The moment's fraught
I feel like
A schoolgirl
My jumbo-size head is in a whirl

[O.J. SIMPSON screws up his courage and approaches BEN GREENMAN.]

O.J. SIMPSON
Mr. Greenman?
Hi. I'm O.J.
I'm not sure I
Know what to say.

I've read your writing
I love your work
Oh, man, I feel
Like such a jerk.

You wrote a piece
About my confession
I had it framed
It's a prize possession

BEN GREENMAN
I'm glad you laughed
That's what they were for
But I'm not doing
Those things anymore

O.J. SIMPSON
What? I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm choking
It's as if Leslie Nielsen
Left off with joking

In the musical about me that you wrote
There's one rhyming couplet that I love to quote
"Murder! Mayhem! Spousal abuse!
The juice is loose! The juice is loose!"

BEN GREENMAN
You understand that I was damning you as an opportunistic psychopath, right?

O.J. SIMPSON
"Murder! Mayhem! Spousal abuse!
The juice is loose! The juice is loose!"

BEN GREENMAN
Anyway, I think I'm done with the musicals for a while. They seem to be vessels of pain. They take people who have humiliated themselves and make sport of them. The only way I'd do another one is if a celebrity, preferably a crazy one, did something that didn't cause any actual pain but demonstrated intense arrogance and moral blindness. Like if, say, Phil Spector did one of those "Fire in the Hole" pranks. You know what I'm talking about? When kids order soda in a fast-food drive-thru and then toss it back into the window?

O.J. SIMPSON
That's comical, I will admit
But I can't even smile
The news that you're retiring
Will have me downcast for a while
I can't even tell you
How miserable I feel
I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Please enjoy your meal.

[O.J. goes away. Over the next few days, as he is golfing, opening nightclubs, and searching for the real killer, he thinks about what BEN GREENMAN said.]

O.J. SIMPSON
The world needs doggerel based on the news
I know what I'll do: I'll serve as his muse
I need a plan
I need a plan
I need to inspire
That wonderful man

[O.J. comes up with an idea. Having long heard rumors that his sports memorabilia, which has been stolen from him, is being sold on the gray market, he decides to set up an informal sting to nab one of the memorabilia dealers.]

O.J. SIMPSON
I'll be steady
I won't falter
I'll lay this offering
At Ben Greenman's altar

[O.J. travels to Las Vegas with a team of accomplices. He goes to the casino hotel, locates the memorabilia dealer, and bursts into the man's hotel room.]

O.J. SIMPSON
This is a sting

MAN
Please stop pointing that thing

O.J. SIMPSON
Motherfucker, you think you can
Steal my shit and sell it?
I'm in charge of this tale
And you won't live to tell it.

MAN
O.J., please, stay calm
Maintain your aplomb

O.J. SIMPSON
I'll kill ya
I'll kill ya
Give me back my memorabilia

MAN
O.J., look, don't shout
What's this all about?

O.J. SIMPSON
I always thought you were a straight shooter
I'll shut your ass down like a laptop computer

[O.J. SIMPSON is arrested for the break-in.]

O.J. SIMPSON
Go ahead and arrest me
You'll never best me
I run cause I can
I'm the gingerbread man
You'll never catch me
You've met your match, see

The yards I gained: two thousand three
The charge I face: armed robbery
Before you put me in the pen
Please call Ben, oh, please call Ben

Tell him it's me and I hope he feels better
Tell him it's all one gigantic fan letter

[BEN GREENMAN is at his ski lodge in Ischgl. There is a phone call. It is not the Las Vegas Police Department. It is GAWKER.]

GAWKER
Do you still have the blahs and blues?
You should go and turn on the news.

[BEN GREENMAN's assistant turns on the TV. BEN GREENMAN sees a report about O.J. SIMPSON's robbery arrest.]

BEN GREENMAN
I was sure I'd never feel again
The spark of inspiration
And yet, it's there, right here, right now
What a strange sensation

[BEN GREENMAN sits down at his vintage Brenner Coronet desk and begins to write a musical. It opens with O.J. SIMPSON arriving in Las Vegas for his meeting with a sports memorabilia dealer.]

CHARACTER O.J.
Where is room 1301?

CHARACTER CLERK
Excuse me, sir: is that a gun?

[The musical is finished in just four days. Fragments from O.J. and Me! The Musical is published on GAWKER, and two months later it opens in a small Off-Broadway theatre. It remains there for six months; the actor playing O.J. receives an Obie nomination. The next year, it moves to Broadway. Box office numbers are tremendous. BEN GREENMAN donates 80 percent of his profits to the Goldman family. Ten percent, he keeps. The other ten percent, he sends to O.J. SIMPSON. The check is returned to him along with a note that says, "I cannot accept this, il miglior fabbro. Yours in eternal rage, O.J." The "O" has a smiley face drawn inside of it.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments from "Larry! The Muscial"

[A men's bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. A white spotlight passes from right to left across the stage, illuminating each stall. In each case, the door opens briefly to show the occupant.]

FIRST MAN
Why am I here?
Isn't it clear?
I had gas
It was severe

SECOND MAN
It's not an interesting story
I won't use the lavatory
On the airplane. It's disgusting.
This is, too, but I'm adjusting.

THIRD MAN
I like to read
OK! magazine
This way I can do it
Without being seen.

FOURTH MAN
Close the door, please
Privacy's the rule
When you are dropping off
Kids at the pool

[The fifth man, who is bathed in blue light, is SERGEANT DAVE KARSNIA of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Police Department.]

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Oh, well, I have much to say
But I cannot say it
I am a policeman
I have a badge but can't display it

I'm here to respond to claims
Of public sex in these facilities
It's not a plum assignment, true
But these are my responsibilities

[A man enters the restroom and stares into SGT DAVE KARSNIA's stall to see if it is occupied. He enters the adjoining stall. After a few minutes, he taps his foot.]

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me
That's how the old song goes
Tap your foot three times if you want bathroom sex
That's the code that everybody knows

I'll bide my time
I'll just stay put
I'll wait for him
To slide his foot

[The man stops tapping his foot and slides it closer to SGT DAVE KARSNIA's foot until the two shoes come into contact. The man's hand appears under the stall divider.]

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
And there's the hand
It's not exactly a surprise
The public-restroom crowd
Likes to advertise

[SGT DAVE KARSNIA arrests the man. It is Senator LARRY CRAIG (R-ID).]

LARRY CRAIG
I was sitting in this bathroom stall
In Minneapolis-St. Paul
Maybe my hand brushed against the wall
It wasn't like I said hello

I was sitting in a private place
A contented look upon my face
Now you've dragged me into disgrace
I'm a Senator, you know

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
You sent me a signal, sir
Don't say that did not occur

LARRY CRAIG
This scenario that you're relating—
What are you insinuating?
It was just my left foot tapping
I'd suggest that you're entrapping

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Senator, your foot brushed mine
That had to happen by design

LARRY CRAIG
When sitting on the throne
My wide stance is well-known
I take up the whole stall
Please don't tell Roll Call

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
The hand that has your wedding band
Appeared to make a crass demand

LARRY CRAIG
I was minding my own business
Reaching for a piece of paper
Your incompetence reduces this
To a Keystone Cops-like caper

SGT DAVE KARSNIA
Embarrassing, embarrassing
In nearly every other sting
The men I've caught accept their disesteem
Why is your defensive posture so very extreme?

You might think it's Senatorial
But if I were to be editorial
Or even prosecutorial
I'd say to do whatever you can
To buck up and take it like a man

This incident will bring you
The wrong kind of renown
I can see the headlines:
"Red-Faced Senator Goes Down."

[The other stall doors fling open. The other men sing in unison.]

OTHER MEN
Your refusal to be honest rankles
We all have our pants around our ankles
But we just came here to use the toilet
It's a place of peace. Don't spoil it!

[LARRY CRAIG pleads guilty. Amazingly, SGT DAVE KARSNIA and his department do not leak the story for more than two months. When it breaks, LARRY CRAIG first denies the charges. Prominent Republicans speak out against him.]

MITT ROMNEY
It fills me with disgust
To think that I extended trust
To a moral reprobate
His decisions desecrate
The America I love
If we ever meet again
I will wear a rubber glove

[Journalists, including MIKE ROGERS of blogactive.com, reveal that they have heard about LARRY CRAIG's rendezvous for years.]

JOURNALISTS
One man came out
And talked about
A secret assignation
He enjoyed with the Senator
In a stall at Union Station
Another sent some emails
They included many details
With physical description
I laughed at the transcription
Of the tape of the arrest
At Craig's defensive posture
And his feeble protest.
I had what I needed
And so I proceeded.

[Conservative commentators, including SEAN HANNITY, walk a delicate tightrope, condemning LARRY CRAIG while still trying to link the story to Democratic hypocrisy.]

SEAN HANNITY
If he led a double life
And if he then misled his wife
He should resign from government
He isn't fit to represent
The citizens of Idaho
If he lied, then he should go.
And yet, and yet
Let's not forget
Jim McGreevy, Marion Barry
Hart and Condit, Barney, Gerry,
Sandy Berger, Rostenkowski
Hillary Clinton and how she
Engineered her shady business
If this isn't a witch hunt, then what is this?

[LARRY CRAIG is at home. The entire scandal has given him terrible stomachaches. He is on the toilet.]

LARRY CRAIG
I sit here in my solitude
All my friends have gone away
My political career is screwed
My family is in disarray
My colleagues won't forget this
And then there is the capper:
No more Minneapolis
My whole existence, down the crapper.

[LARRY CRAIG stands. He is washing his hands when the seat of his toilet goes up, imperceptibly at first and then clearly. The TOILET begins to sing.]

TOILET
Larry, Larry
Don't be so contrary
You were trying to have your fun
Now do what needs to be done

Stand up and take your medicine
Or resign as a result of this affair
I tried to tell you that before
But my voice was muffled by your derriere.

[LARRY CRAIG follows the advice of his TOILET and announces that he will resign, though his spokespeople continue to insist that the issue remains open pending the Senate's ethics investigation. The next morning, LARRY CRAIG looks in his bathroom mirror and begins to speak to himself.]

LARRY CRAIG
My own decisions caused it
I was too long in the closet
There shouldn't be such shame attached
Every man, if cruelly scratched
Will show a hidden aspect
Behind his public being
The man that I am seeing
Is not the man in whole
Hypocrisy is common among men who are driven
I leave it to my voters.
This is the speech I should have given.

[LARRY CRAIG goes out into the hallway. He hears a faint voice coming from the bathroom.]

TOILET
Larry, Larry
I misjudged you at first blush
You're braver than I thought
Now please come back and flush

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments From 'Bonds! The Musical'

[Commissioner of baseball BUD SELIG is talking to HANK AARON, as he does every day]

BUD SELIG

How's it hanging, Hammer?
No, I'm not happy either
I'm tired of this home run chase
I think I need a breather

The whole thing makes me nervous, Hank
I know it's not about popularity
But I worry I'll do a disservice
To history or to posterity

I know this should feel like the end
Of the most exhausting inning
Instead I'm filled with the suspicion
That it's just the beginning

As for me, emotionally
It fills my heart with sorrow
Oh, no...yeah...I understand
I'll talk to you tomorrow

[BUD SELIG replaces the receiver on the cradle. Before he hangs up, the audience hears, faintly but clearly, that he has in fact been calling MoviePhone. Fade out.]

[Fade in. A locker room. Men in towels walk in formation around BARRY BONDS, who is standing in the center, speaking to them.]

REPORTER #1

Your hitting game improved with age
You seem susceptible to rage
You've hit home runs with lazy swings
So how do you explain these things?

REPORTER #2

You have high levels of aggression
And disrespect for the profession
Also, people find you scary
'Cause you're cut like a topiary

REPORTER #3

You might be a convicted felon

REPORTER #4

Your head looks like a giant melon

REPORTER #5

Roger Maris's hair fell out
As he pursued the record
Your recent career has been checkered
Are you also filled with fear and doubt?

BARRY BONDS

Has this home run chase been a pressure source?
I think you need a refresher course
In what I'm trying to achieve
Your questions annoy me
You'll never destroy me
I think it's time for you to leave

[In San Diego, BONDS faces Padres pitcher CLAY HENSLEY.]

CLAY HENSLEY

Back in the minors I idolized you
I tried to do all the things that you do
I was even supended for steroid use
I thought I'd get great because of the juice

Now when I make this fateful pitch
I'll ask the Lord to guide it
If I'm to serve up history
I'll serve up irony beside it

[BONDS hits 755 off of CLAY HENSLEY. BUD SELIG responds, sort of, by standing, clapping once and a half, and returning his hands to his pockets.]

BUD SELIG

I award the batter
A smattering of applause
In the matter of steroids
I have probable cause

I am as excited
As a man could be
If repeatedly stung
On the ass by a bee

[Commentators are angry at BUD SELIG for not supporting BARRY BONDS, but also angry at BARRY BONDS for tarnishing baseball's legacy.]

MIKE GOLIC

The commisioner's a coward
The commisioner's a skunk
He said he isn't judging Barry
But that assertion's bunk

Did you see him out there?
He barely raised a hand
He shouldn't have been present
He demonstrated poor command

BOB COSTAS

I am short
And yet long-winded
So now I will declare
That Barry's status as one of the game's great outfielders, which was secure before he started using performance-enhancing drugs — and I am absolutely certain of that, as certain as if I saw a man with a smoking gun standing yards away from another man he had just shot — is hereby tarnished but not entirely rescinded.

[Two nights later, BONDS is back in San Francisco, in the lineup against the Nationals. The pitcher is MIKE BACSIK.]

MIKE BACSIK

Before I went into the windup
I remembered I have a story, too
Now I have made my mind up
To tell that story to you

My father faced Hank Aaron
More than thirty years ago
It's such a big coincidence
It hardly seems legit, I know

And yet, it's absolutely true
Hank had seven-fifty-five
Dad threw a couple pitches
Then got Hank out on a soft line drive

Baseball is a lengthy and complicated narrative
We are only characters — to grasp that is imperative

BARRY BONDS

I wish your tale was something
I could care about.
It isn't. Throw it in here
So I can knock it out.

[BONDS hits 756 off of BACSIK. He is taken out of the game to a standing ovation. Hank Aaron reads a statement on the Jumbotron.]

BARRY BONDS

So much for your moral sense
I launched the ball over the fence

[BUD SELIG is furious. He places another "call" to Hank Aaron.]

BUD SELIG

I'm short of breath. I'm sick to death.
Your home run record's sacrosanct
And this drug-abusing freakshow
Is now the one who is top ranked

You say I should simmer down
You say I shouldn't lose my cool
But I feel like this musclehead
Has played me for a foolish fool

When I ignored the steroid thing
I knew that this would be a risk
Now my life's a welter
Of cream and clear and asterisk
And yet, my heart is cold and barren
This record should be yours, Hank Aaron

[SELIG drops the phone, which is wet with his tears. The next morning, he meets with the same brain trust that recommended calling the 2002 All-Star Game a tie.]

CLIFFORD T. DORKELSON

Here's a brilliant plan
To help you get your man
Let's send in an intern
Dressed up as a spirit
He'll make Barry feel bad
And Barry has to hear it
Pretty soon he'll get to be
The saddest guy in MLB

[Impressed by CLIFFORD T. DORKELSON's brilliant plan, BUD SELIG hires an intern to enter BARRY BONDS's house dressed in a succession of disguises. First, he is ROSS BARNES, who played with the Chicago White Stockings in 1876 and hit baseball's first home run. The costume is pants that are too short.]

INTERN AS ROSS BARNES

I am the man who once upon a time
Hit the first home run
I've been dead a hundred years
It isn't any fun

When I hit my homer
It was off to the races
They were all in-the-park then
So I sped around the bases

BARRY BONDS

You're boring
I'm yawning
The two things are related.
If you are part of history
I'm glad it's what I've desecrated

[The INTERN goes out and comes back as the second ghost, BABE RUTH. The costume is a fatsuit and a Yankees hat.]

INTERN AS BABE RUTH

I don't care that you used drugs
I only care that you got caught
But now you have to be a man
If you want to be the new Sultan of Swat

I might have lost a hundred homers
When balls drifted foul after fair
You don't hear me crying like a girl
Or wallowing in my despair

BARRY BONDS

Zip it, tubby
I don't need to listen to this
You can't lecture me
Didn't you die of syphillis?

[The third ghost is Barry's father, BOBBY BONDS. The costume is amateurish makeup that makes him look vaguely like BARRY and a Father's Day card.]

BOBBY BONDS

I was the first man
To go for thirty-thirty twice
You should listen to me
Respect my fatherly advice

BARRY BONDS

You had as many strikeouts
As you had hits one season
When was that? Nineteen sixty-nine?
It defies all reason.

[The last and final ghost is CRAIG MCNULTY, the pitcher who surrendered BARRY BONDS's first home run. The costume is a piece of paper with "Craig McNulty" written on it.]

CRAIG MCNULTY

A while back
I threw a ball
You hit it past
The outfield wall

It was the first
Home run you hit
I put my head
Into my mitt

Now I ask you
To do what's right
And prove that you
Can feel contrite

Ask that your name
Be taken down
As home run king
Return the crown

BARRY BONDS

I think it's time for you to go
You're not even dead, you know

[The intern returns to BUD SELIG. Both are crestfallen.]

INTERN

We tried to get him to show contrition
Instead he maintained
His nasty disposition
And then in addition
He acted sarcastic
I have to say my Craig McNulty impression was fantastic

[BUD SELIG places another "call" to Hank Aaron, who does not answer. He retreats to his lair, which he calls the Bat-and-ball-cave, to try to resolve the BARRY BONDS problem once and for all.]

BUD SELIG

I do not like this Barry Bonds
His achievements bring me pain, not pleasure
As a result I have devised
A black ops super-secret measure

[BUD SELIG takes out a folder.]

If I can't put him in the slammer
I'll go to my dear friend, the Hammer
I'll unretire him
Then require him
To rejoin a professional team
And reclaim
His good name
By passing back the Great Pretender
Hank will be the Great Defender.
Only a worthy man can end this terrible dream.
I know this seems like a crazy plan
To take down Bonds with an elderly man
But I plan to help out if I can
Oh...
I'll fix it
I'll fix it
I'll Richard-Nixon-dirty-tricks it
If there's one thing I've learned
It's not to get burned
You need defense for every sneak attack
And when a cheater cheats you, you should cheat right back
I'll cook it
I'll cook it
I'll control-the-record-book it
If Hank is batting 0-for-all
I'll call for a gopher ball
From the opposing pitcher
If he complies, I'll make him richer
And Hank can go yard a few more times
He'll get a shot
At clearing up this moral rot
And erasing the shame of Barry's crimes
I have always said
We should make lemonade from lemons
Plus, it's not like Hank is ancient
He's in his early seventies
Just like Roger Clemens
He's in his early seventies
Just...like...Roger...Clemens!!!!!!

[BUD SELIG falls to his knees, clutching the Project Gopher Ball folder. Fade out.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.
Also: Catch Ben reading tonight at the Greenwich Village Barnes & Noble, 396 6th Avenue at 8th Street, 7:30 P.M.

Previously: Fragments From 'Weekly World News! The Musical'

[Offices of the Weekly World News, 1992. DICK KULPA, an editor, calls a staff meeting.]

DICK KULPA

Welcome, Weekly World people
Let's get started without delay
I guess that you are wondering
Why I called you here today

For years we have all valiantly
Reported on the world around us
Done our best to chronicle
The aspects of it that confound us

We've featured Hitler, mermaids, Satan,
The chimp who got a Ph.D.,
A woman born to kangaroos,
The alien child of Hillary,
Bigfoot, Nessie, Bundy photos,
The world's largest tabby cat
Freeze-dried babies, chaos clouds.
But we've never had a half-man and half-bat.

MRS. OGILVE, DICK KULPA'S ASSISTANT

It's always been at the top of our list
But we had lost hope that such creatures exist.

DICK KULPA

I'm thrilled to say
I have a tip
Which of you wants
To take a trip
To West Virginia?
Your flight's in an hour
You have time for a snack
And maybe a shower

[Staffers beg off the story one by one.]

EMILY

I'm pretty busy
With reporting and writing
This morning I got
A new Elvis sighting

JACK

You know I would
But I can't go until tomorrow
Today I have to close a piece
On the Nazi Caves of Kilimanjaro

[One reporter, MARY, speaks up. She is short and perky and gung-ho.]

MARY

I haven't met
The story yet
That can overtop me
I'll take that jet
And you can bet
That nothing there will stop me

[A cave. West Virginia. BAT BOY is watching "Blossom" on TV when MARY appears. She explains the idea to him.]

BAT BOY

Well, Mary
I'm wary
How can I be sure
That your motives are pure?

MARY

Won't it fill you with delight
To see your name in black and white?

BAT BOY

I'm not much for fame and glory
Why should I go along with this story?

MARY

The world has only admiration
For our well-researched publication
Other papers, Bat Boy, can put you on the cover
Other papers, Bat Boy, can make you a big star
But only my paper, the Weekly World News
Can promise to show you just as you are

[BAT BOY tentatively agrees to the profile. MARY has forgotten her tape recorder. The two of them fly back to the Weekly World News compound—MARY in the plane, BAT BOY next to it—and MARY retrieves her tape recorder.]

MARY

Okay, now tell me your tragic tale
Have you ever been thrown in jail
For a felony or misdemeanor?
Do you have a normal-size weiner
Or are bats possessed of tiny wangs?
Are those teeth or poisonous fangs?
Could you drain the blood from a sleeping house cat?
Do you think of yourself as more boy or more bat?

BAT BOY

Mary, Mary
I hate to let you down
I'm sadly ordinary
Perhaps I don't deserve renown

I wake every morning to a classic rock station
I walk to the bathroom using echolocation
Then off to work, then dinner, then after
I sleep hanging upside-down from a rafter

[BAT BOY grimaces. He touches a wing to his temple.]

BAT BOY

I have a headache that keeps getting worse.
Conversing in this rhyming verse
Gives me a sense of déjà vu
Or is it deja entendu?
The feeling that my life
Has been a musical before
Is very strong within me
I can feel it in my core

[BAT BOY returns to the hotel to sleep off his headache.]

MARY

Good grief
What a relief
That guy was so tedious
Now I'll
Show my style
It's fun to be devious

[MARY finishes the piece, padding it out with outlandish manufactured claims about BAT BOY. He becomes a celebrity. Angrily, he confronts MARY about her reporting.]

BAT BOY

You wrote with great detail
But you made stuff up wholesale
To the people who purchase your paper every week
I am now perceived as some kind of winged freak.

MARY

"I'm Bat Boy — I'm Normal"
Isn't much of a headline
Plus you left me hanging
And I was on deadline

There was no whining
From the freeze-dried babies
What is your problem?
Do you have rabies?

BAT BOY

Bats fly
Into frustrated rages
When the facts are distorted on newsprint pages
When what's reported is figment and lie
Bats fly

Bats bite
Their tongues for a long time
When they are the victims of a terribly wrong crime
Perpetrated by those who blindly write
Bats bite

Bats hang
There, their lives in the balance
When promising journalists squander their talents
Just to get in with the popular gang
Bats hang

Bats glide
Over offenses intended to wound
But a bat can't stand by when a bat is impugned
When he's flipped on his back and stripped of his pride
Bats glide

[BAT BOY, furious, decides to avenge himself against MARY and the Weekly World News. He buys dot-com stocks, sells at just the right moment, puts the money into New York real estate, earns a tremendous profit, and then is turned on to an investment opportunity in Mexican telecommunications. When the smoke clears fifteen years later, he is the 117th richest person in the world, though he's left off the Forbes list because he's not really a person. He badmouths the Weekly World News any chance he gets, and then contacts DICK KULPA and explains what he intends to do with the newspaper.]

BAT BOY

I'll WW buy it
And WW then
I'll WW shutter
The WWN

[DICK KULPA puts the word out that the Weekly World News is in trouble. All of the paper's other subjects come to its aid, doing odd jobs and raising funds by any means necessary.]

DICK KULPA

Satan got a license to do some massage
Bigfoot was working in a bus garage
Nostradamus learned the shell game
Nessie wrote children's books under a pen name.
Elvis applied for a hotdog cart
Everyone is doing his part
Did you hear that? It warms my heart.
Everyone is doing his part.

[The friends of the Weekly World News meet to count up their money.]

HILLARY CLINTON'S ALIEN BABY

The pledge drive is over
Now we can thwart
The dastardly plan Bat Boy hatched to abort
Regular printing
Of this publication
We will be rewarded for our dedication

[BIGFOOT collects all the contributions in his oversize loafers. He counts the money. It's a dollar short. He looks at the calendar. It's a day late. JIM MORRISON begins to cry.]

NOSTRADAMUS

Don't cry, Lizard King
Let's have a wingding

BIGFOOT

I thought the money in my shoes
Would save the Weekly World News
Instead I'll use it to buy booze

[The Weekly World News has a gigantic party to celebrate its final issue. MARY makes out with the ghost of Joan of Arc. DICK KULPA plays darts with the world's fattest teenager, who weighs more than a thousand pounds. Ed Anger drinks along, angrily. The entire party is entertained by John Lennon's parrot, who once recorded an entire album after its master's death. The party is so raucous that it can be heard by BAT BOY, who is thousands of miles away but has acute hearing, as he is part bat. He comes to the window and looks in, forlornly.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments from 'Salman! The Musical'

[SALMAN RUSHDIE is at a table in an Atlanta chophouse. He is sitting alone and talking to himself.]

SALMAN

Perhaps I'll start off with a salad
Then maybe a bowl of soup
For dessert, a hot fudge sundae
Or pecan pie or melon coupe

In between those two endpoints
Comes the entrée or main dish
From the looks of this very large menu
I can have anything that I wish

So maybe I will have some pasta
Maybe I will have a steak
I will order from the waiter.
It will come. I will partake.

A restaurant's a funny thing
You ask for food and wait for it
The menu is a type of scripture
Gastronomic holy writ

By the stars I do declare
I see the waiter over there.

[It is not the waiter. It is a busboy. He refills SALMAN RUSHDIE's water glass from a pitcher with lemon slices. SALMAN RUSHDIE gulps down his water. The busboy refills it. Again, SALMAN RUSHDIE drinks it as if parched. After a third time, the busboy hurries away, disconcerted.]

SALMAN

Where is the waiter?
I demand service.
Now's better than later.
I'm feeling quite nervous.

[Finally, THE WAITER arrives to take SALMAN RUSHDIE's order. He is very young. It might be his first week on the job.]

WAITER

Well, sir, well, yes, well, alright
What can I get for you tonight?

[SALMAN grabs the WAITER's shirt.]

SALMAN

Okay, I will admit my fear
Of sitting here
In solitude
I cannot bear to eat alone
Can I postpone
Your leaving, dude?

Come sit with me, please, dear waiter
Indulge my verbal promiscuity
If you do as I say, dear waiter
I'll leave a ginormous gratuity

[SALMAN points to the chair. The WAITER sits.]

SALMAN

I have a story
A story of lives
A story of husbands
A story of wives
A story of cultures
Clashing and meshing.
This water with lemon
Is highly refreshing.

[The WAITER signals to a busboy. The water glasses are refilled. SALMAN, still looking lonely, motions to the WAITER to drink water with him. The WAITER complies. They each drink three glasses.]

SALMAN

Some years ago I took a wife
I pledged myself to her for life
It didn't work out quite as planned
I unhappily untook her hand

Within the year I wed again
Refilled my spirit's fountain pen
She was a writer, just like me
That marriage dissolved rapidly

Four years went by, then wife the third
Appeared to me; my heart was spurred
This time, seven years went by
We couldn't quite see eye to eye

I tell you these three horror stories
To bring you closer to the glories
Of my fourth wife, whom I adore
And have done since two thousand four.

Her name is Padma Parvati Lakshmi
In Sanskrit her first name means "lotus."
I loved her, you see, like a staunch employee
But now I've been given my notice.

It is the best of times
It is the worst of times
That's from Tale of Two Cities, of course
On the one hand, I loved her. My heart knew no bounds.
On the other hand, now it's been bound by divorce.

[THE WAITER opens his mouth to speak.]

WAITER

Uh, sir, I need,
Well, sir, see, we'd...

[SALMAN RUSHDIE stills him with a hand.]

SALMAN

Yes, yes
I think I understand
You recognize my face
You wonder
Why I would descend
Upon this modest place

Well, we would come here every week
By we I mean the wife and I
We'd laugh, we'd eat, we'd laugh some more
I can't believe she's said goodbye

A Booker, two Whitbreads, a James Tate Black
The Kurt Tucholsky Prize in Sweden
All of these honors have come to me
But it's wifely love that I'm needin'

[THE WAITER stands.]

WAITER

Yeah, well, uh, but,
It's not just what...

[The hand of SALMAN RUSHDIE stills him again.]

SALMAN

This story is rich with twists and reverses
The heart's aspiration, the heart's demolition
I'll reflect on it in my newly penned foreword
To the Satanic Verses collectors' edition

The fatwa may be gone
But the wife, she is gone too
That bothers me tremendously
Dear waiter, does it bother you?

WAITER

Uh, no, sir, well, see, the thing is,
I really need to take a whiz
I know you're sad and hope you don't get sadder
But I desperately need to go empty my bladder

[The WAITER exits briskly. SALMAN's phone rings. It is an iPhone.]

SALMAN

Oh, joy, my cellular
I can tell it's her
Padma, Padma, I'm answering now
Tell me that you won't renege on our vow

[It is not Padma calling on then iPhone. It is the top Al-Qaeda lieutenant AYMAN AL-ZAWAHRI. He's angry about SALMAN RUSHDIE's recent knighting by the British royalty.]

AYMAN AL-ZAWAHRI

Listen here: I hear tell
You were knighted in Britain
Given high honors
For what you have written

You know what they say
Bitten once and shy twice
Our response will be violent
And pure and precise

This is no joking matter
Your culture depraves
It's all in my speech
About the Indian slaves

You may think it wrong
It's not yours to decide
That is our threat
Unless the knighthood's denied

[AYMAN AL-ZAWAHRI hangs up. SALMAN RUSHDIE stares at the phone.]

SALMAN

That is so freakin' weird
That guy just appeared
On my telephone line
To denounce and malign
And threaten and lecture
I cannot conjecture
Just how that occurred
I can't believe what I heard
As soon as that waiter
Comes back to the table
I'll recount the story
As best I am able
I'll tell it with gusto
I'll be dashing and deft
And then I will leave
And go watch Top Chef

[SALMAN waits for the WAITER. THE WAITER isn't coming back.]

THE END

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments from 'Jeannette! The Musical'
Bonus: Do you love Ben Greenman's musicals as much as we do? Would you like to see them performed live on stage? Of course you do and would! Well, here's your chance: Tuesday, July 17th, Greenman's Fragments will be part of The Rejection Show's Music Series. The event takes place at 8 P.M. at Ace of Clubs, 9 Great Jones Street. See you there!

[The ghostly figure of a SAILOR appears. Icicles hang from his beard.]

SAILOR

The HMS Pandora
Her name contained a warning
Perhaps we should have heeded it
And avoided needless mourning

A few years after she was built
James Gordon Bennett, Jr. bought her.
From Le Havre to San Francisco:
That was where he brought her.

Bennett was a wild man
A rich man who lived fast
He published the New York Herald
His personal fortune was vast

He made his name financing Stanley
He lived like a rogue and a dreamer
He placed his money and his trust
In this bark-rigged wooden steamer

He renamed the ship the Jeannette
And decided he just couldn't wait
To sail up to the North Pole
Via the Bering Strait

So just above the Napa River
In Mare Island Navy Yard
The Jeannette was given new boilers
Her hull was thickened and made hard

On the eighth of July, eighteen seventy-nine,
She departed from the dock
The weather was cold and rainy
The time was half past ten o'clock

She sailed under Naval command
Though she was a peacetime ship
Twenty-eight officers and enlisted men
And three civilians made the trip

The captain was brave George DeLong
An upright Navy man
He pledged himself to fully serve
His patron's fateful plan

The ship's Chief Engineer
Was George W. Melville
The names of these fine sailors
They stir my spirit still

It took a month or maybe more
To reach the Norton Sound
Then we sailed away from St. Lawrence Bay
And the crew was Arctic-bound

By September we had spotted
Herald Island. (As some tell it,
It was named for Bennett's newspaper
When in fact Henry Kellett

Back in eighteen forty-nine
Had landed there and named it.
Walked around it, kicked some stones,
Put a flag down and then claimed it.)

Near Herald Island, in the water,
Was Wrangel Island, small and cold,
DeLong tried to go east of there
His orders were perhaps too bold.

Then came that fateful winter day
Which began like any other
One sailor dreamed of flying,
Another of his sainted mother,

Another still of sitting
On a warm beach way down south.
The name of his young girlfriend
Lay gently in his mouth.

"Come up, come up," the captain said.
"We're locked into the ice."
It hemmed us in on both our sides
And held us like a vise.

At first we didn't mind it
Our eyes stayed on our goal
We were drifting Northwest
Ever closer to the Pole

Our instruments were working
Our spirits remained high
We took our soundings and positions
We marked the stars up in the sky

In May of eighteen eighty-one
We spied some islands in the distance
We gave them names and marveled
At our sturdy craft's persistence

But marveling is irony
And pride precedes a fall
And soon enough our progress
Had slowed down to a crawl

Now the ice was pressing in
And crumpling the hull
The way a great and fearsome weight
Can crush a grown man's skull

We jumped off the Jeannette
And unloaded our supplies
Dragging three small boats to safety
We heard our ship's last cries

She sank on June 13th
In the early hours of dawn
We put our packs upon our back
And went to soldier on

We searched for open water
Our hope was strong at first
But some were felled by cowardice
Others by hunger or thirst

The three small lifeboats we had manned
Eventually broke through
One drifted off, forever lost,
Thus leaving only two.

Of those two boats, one came to shore,
George DeLong was inside.
Some scouts were sent ahead
The men who stayed behind all died.

The third boat reached the Lena River
Its sailors lived. But then
Melville showed his mettle and
Went back to find the other men.

Beneath the frozen corpses
Were the expedition's notes.
Those he brought to safety
With a fleet of rescue boats.

Twenty men were lost in all
Only thirteen kept their lives
Thanks to Melville's bravery
Our memory survives

Time has kept on moving
It's what time tends to do
And we wish to be remembered
The lost men of that crew.

So I claim this month for us,
The men of the Jeannette
We are all that's happened
And what hasn't happened yet

Once a year, please think of us,
Who expired in polar snow,
And not J.J. Abrams's birthday
Or that of Ross Perot.

Do not think of Paris
Or what happened to Tony
Or the newly filed divorce papers
Of Keener and Mulroney

Think instead of the Jeannette
And the men who took her north
Summon up our story
Let our memories come forth

I was among the twenty
I perished with a groan.
The ice was all around me
And I was all alone.

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments from 'Dan! The Musical'

[DAN RATHER is sitting at home in his rocking chair, musing. His hunting dog is at his side. A cup of Postum is in his hand. In the background, music plays softly on his Victrola.]

DAN

There is something in the air,
There is a feeling of unrest.
It's like when a stranger rides into town
In a movie about the Wild West.

What is it that's nagging at me
And dragging at my poor old heart?
What is it that's making me feel
Like my world is coming apart?

Oh.
I know.

[The Victrola suddenly grows louder. To the accompaniment of Vess L. Ossman's "Hot Stuff Patrol," a ragtime hit from 1897, DAN springs from his chair and begins to dance and sing.]

DAN

The news, my dear news
It now gives me the blues

What was so rough and tough
Is celebrity fluff

Remember the days
Of the long, level gaze
And the sober report?
They have been cut short
And what's now in their place
Is the tarted-up face
Of a new kind of anchor
By gum, I should spank her.

They took what I loved and dumbed it down
I remember a day when this televised town
Was a city shining from the top of a hill
I wish it was shining that way still
The job once meant truth and respect and adventures
Now it's all toothless—or at the very least dentures

[DAN sits back in his rocking chair, winded. KATIE COURIC enters. She is wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra, shorts, and high heels.]

KATIE:

Dan, please: the foul breeze
That streams from your lips
Will cause me to pause
And put my hands on my hips

I can bring home the bacon
Fry it up in a pan
But I never have taken
A cheap shot at you, Dan

[Dan tries to stand but fails. He snaps his fingers and his dog trots
off and returns with a cane in his mouth. Dan takes the cane and
stands.]

DAN

I didn't say you weren't smart
I didn't call you a tart
My comments were directed
At the trend that has connected
Celebrity flash to improving ratings
How I loathe these cosmetic updatings

[KATIE tries to reason with DAN.]

KATIE

What is your issue?
Why are you scared?
It's been more than two years
Since your last newscast aired

A female anchor
Is long overdue
I'm hardly a fembot
My mom is a Jew

[DAN seems distracted by her bralessness, or possibly by his Victrola. He raises his voice until he is shouting.]

DAN

There's a war on
There's a war on
Who cares if Paris
Has her drawers on?

[KATIE takes out her iPhone and places a call to CBS head Les Moonves.]

KATIE

Get me Les—
Les, it's Katie
This old wreck's
Nearly eighty.
You should hear
How he wheezes
And he might
Have diseases.

DAN

Nearly eighty?
Come here, young lady
And I'll show you
A thing or two

KATIE

Les, I swear
Say a prayer
For this spent
Piece of leather.
When I'm done
With my fun
He'll be doing
The weather.

DAN

I was going to
Give you a pass
But this just in:
I'll kick your ass.

Where you're going
Isn't heaven.
So dress for heat.
Film at eleven.

[KATIE attacks DAN with a broom, a high-heeled shoe, and a pack of
Virginia Slims. DAN counters by pouring the Postum on his dog, which
seems like a stupid move, but the dog, not scalded but annoyed — the Postum was only warm—nips at KATIE, who topples backwards on her high heels.]

DAN

You can beat me
And assail me
But you know who
Will prevail? Me!

[KATIE hits DAN with her iPhone and knocks him unconscious. The camera pans back to show that the entire fight has been filmed and is, in fact, being reshown on an evening news report hosted by WALTER CRONKITE.]

WALTER

A clash of generations
Is a painful thing to witness
As are altercations
Between the wilted and the witless.

Change can't be stopped
So why even bother?
The news of my day
Dismayed my father.

And now we have cable
And the Internet, too
It'll change again next year
And then what will we do?

Has journalism endured
Or has it become showbiz?
You decide—watch or don't watch.
And that's the way it is.

[WALTER signs off. After the news, the network shows a special preview of "Pirate Master."]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments from 'Lindsay! The Musical'

[LINDSAY LOHAN is out driving when she crashes her car. She is being followed by paparazzi, one of whom calls his editor on his cell phone.]

PAPARAZZO:

She was DUI and
Her car jumped a curb. She
Plowed into a tree. No,
She wasn't driving Herbie.

The rumors are just starting
And the whispers getting louder
Inside the car the cops have found
An as-yet-unknown powder

Soon I will send you these photos
Of the starlet alone and forsaken
Don't you have to go write some copy
To run alongside the pictures I've taken?

[The EDITOR laughs.]

EDITOR:

You know how we sometimes write obits
When celebrities are still alive?
Well, this story with Lindsay and coke in the car
Has been filed since two thousand five

So you just stay there at the scene
And do the things you do
Flash for cash, remember
And if she leaves—pursue, pursue!

PAPARAZZO:

Yes sir. I know my job.
I will fulfill my duty
I'll document the downfall
Of this tragic beauty

I'm even wearing a diaper
Just like that astronaut
It lets me stay in the car all day
And get the perfect shot.

[LINDSAY is taken to the police station. A kindly old police sergeant processes her. Though she is not entirely coherent, she does manage to grab his wrist.]

LINDSAY:

Are they still out there?
I'm sure that they are
They've surrounded the building
As well as my car

Send them away
The vultures and vipers
The scavengers, stalkers,
And digital snipers

[LINDSAY is processed and released to the hospital for treatment. The next day, she makes a statement.]

LINDSAY:

This was more than a warning sign
This was my Waterloo
Now I know how to behave
As I will prove to all of you

[The day after that, LINDSAY is in her friend Samantha Ronson's car, either tired or sick or drunk or high or all four. While she in the car, paparazzi collect like flies and begin to photograph the scene. Inside the car, as LINDSAY drifts in and out of consciousness, a SPIRIT appears to her. At first it looks like Meryl Streep, Lindsay's co-star in the major motion picture "Prairie Home Companion," but the Meryl Streep spirit takes one look at Lindsay, shakes her head, and vanishes. The spirit reappears in the form of Tyra Banks, Lindsay's co-star in the 2000 TV movie "Life-Size."]

SPIRIT TYRA:

Boo!
Boo!
I'm here to help you!

LINDSAY:

Leave me alone
I'm never alone
I threw out my Sidekick
And poured Red Bull on my phone

SPIRIT TYRA:

I don't understand
Your angry resistance
I have appeared to you
To offer my assistance

Your life has been a tale
Of successes and temptations
To make sense of it all
Here are three visitations

[SPIRIT TYRA dissolves and reconstitutes inside the car.]

SPIRIT TYRA:

In Parent Trap your dual role
Made up almost half the cast
Now that you're in an apparent trap
Please welcome the ghost of Lindsay past

[Twelve-year-old LINDSAY appears.]

GHOST OF LINDSAY PAST:

I'm apple-cheeked
I'm cute and clever
But no one stays like that forever
In a few years
I'll be an adult
What, I wonder, will be the result?

[LINDSAY reaches to touch THE GHOST OF LINDSAY PAST, who vanishes in a puff of acrid smoke. LINDSAY forces open the car door and runs to the bushes. A moment later, she returns to the car.]

SPIRIT TYRA:

You vomited on the sidewalk
Which was quite unpleasant
But never mind that now
Here comes the ghost of Lindsay present

[LINDSAY waits. No ghost appears. SPIRIT TYRA looks at her watch. Still no GHOST OF LINDSAY PRESENT.]

LINDSAY:

She's not coming
Don't you see?
She's not coming
'Cause she's me

I'm not talking metaphysics
Or anything sublime
I just mean to say that
It's hard for me to be on time

SPIRIT TYRA:

Well, what do we do now
With this unfortunate delay?
Should I put on the fat suit
And do an exposé?

[LINDSAY explains to SPIRIT TYRA that she can speak on behalf of the GHOST OF LINDSAY PRESENT.]

LINDSAY:

I know that I am headed
Down a fateful road
And that I seem to squander
The gifts that fate's bestowed

But I'm not sure if anyone
Can really understand
The way that this fame feels
It sears you like a brand

When I out-Britney Britney
And I out-Paris Paris
You'd think I'd be ashamed
Or at the very least embarrassed

But think about it this way:
What if they took your flaws
And magnified them monstrously
Without pity or pause?

So maybe my self control
Is a little loose now
I hope to god it doesn't
Land me in the hoosegow

[SPIRIT TYRA interrupts her.]

SPIRIT TYRA:

Silence, now, please - my spectral sixth sense
Feels a dark presence from twenty years hence

[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE appears outside the car door, dressed like a doctor. SPIRIT TYRA flies to the background, produces a dictionary, and looks up "hoosegow."]

LINDSAY:

That's so freakin' weird
Lindsay Lohan, M.D.
Is that the plot
Of Mean Girls 3?

GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE

No, you don't understand.
I'm not playing a part.
I'm really a doctor.

LINDSAY:

You mean that I'm smart?

GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:

You might well be brilliant
How the hell would you know?
You've majored in movies
And parties and blow

LINDSAY:

Well, I was famous early
For acting, which demands
A certain extroversion.
Fame makes all your plans.

But here you are, a doctor
Let me apologize
That you have to see me
Through your educated eyes

[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE smiles sympathetically.]

GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:

You should not be sorry
Not even for a minute
My life only has its riches
Because you put them in it

I remember all of it
The peaks, the flats, the troughs,
The lines we ran, the lines we did,
The putting-ons, the taking-offs.

It was my wild youth then
I treasure that which I recall
Once I was with Reggie Bush
Naked in a shower stall.

LINDSAY:

You mean it? You're not mad?
You like the life you've had?

GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:

Up to a point I love it
But that point was yesterday
Now it's time to take yourself
In hand and find your way

[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE takes LINDSAY by the hand. The two of them fly out of the car into the sky. SPIRIT TYRA does not like this development. "This isn't the plan," she says. "Come back or I'll put you in the hoosegow." LINDSAY and the GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE sing a duet.]

LINDSAY/GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:

A young person gets rowdy
A young person gets mad
A young person can't always
Distinguish good from bad

A young person gets horny
A young person gets high
A young person's designed
To sometimes go awry

But a young person gets older
A young person grows up
A young person begins to put
Less vodka in her coffee cup

[The GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTUE abruptly drops LINDSAY. As LINDSAY falls, screaming, the GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE sings one more verse by herself.]

GHOST OF LINDSAY FUTURE:

When there's too much attention
Before a person's done cooking
It all ends in tears
Now let's finish the booking

[LINDSAY falls to the ground, but she does not crash into Samantha Ronson's car. Instead, she finds herself back in the police station, the day after the coke DUI. The kindly old police sergeant is still processing her. He winks. "Have you ever played a doctor?" he says.]

LINDSAY:

What stretches before me
Is as yet unknown
There's time to evolve,
To learn, to atone

What stretches before me
Is an expanse of years
What ends in great joy
Can start with hot tears.

[She begins to cry.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments from 'Rupert! The Musical'

[The stage is dark, and then it is light. A number of attractive young women dressed as NEWSPAPER BOXES roller skate across the stage from left to right. They are wearing black leggings and they are singing, almost too soft to hear.]

NEWSPAPER BOXES
The long climb up from way Down Under
How did it happen? Sometimes I wonder.

[The stage goes dark. When the lights return, there is a man standing onstage, his face covered by a newspaper. He lowers that newspaper to reveal that he is RUPERT MURDOCH. He begins to sing.]

RUPERT MURDOCH
To give a full account of my ascent into glory
I'll have to take a moment to recount a tragic story.

Do you know about Max Stuart?
I don't really see why you would
But unless I tell you about him
I don't think I can be understood.

This was fifty years ago
In South Australia, near Ceduna
Families were playing on
The beaches in the afternoon. A
Girl of nine went near the water—
Girls of nine will do that.
The parents could not find their daughter.
Her body was found with her face smashed flat.

Max Stuart was a carny.
He was traveling through town.
Suspicion fell upon him.
The law rose up to bring him down.

At the time I ran a newspaper
The News in Adelaide
We took up Stuart's innocence
As a passionate crusade

With journalistic pressure
We averted Stuart's hanging
I felt a surge of pride
We got results with our haranguing

[NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. This time they move from right to left, stopping center-stage to twirl around slowly.]

NEWSPAPER BOXES
It is every newsman's dream.
To bring real change to the regime.

RUPERT MURDOCH
You're right, I guess.
At first, well, yes.

NEWSPAPER BOXES
What do you mean? Did something go wrong?
We sense that the answer is in your next song.

RUPERT MURDOCH
Stuart did not hang
He was sentenced to life
(Eventually he earned parole,
Began to paint and took a wife).

But my part in the trial
Wasn't taken in stride
The government and I
Were fated to collide

I was called on the carpet
By Playford, the premier
Stuart was guilty, he insisted
And I had interfered.

To avoid a charge of sedition
I would have to sacrifice
My best friend at the newspaper.
I bit my lip and paid the price.

Since then I have grasped
The meaning of true power
Without it, you are eaten
With it, you devour

A lesser man might have backed off
And withdrawn into contemplation
A great man such as I set out
To dominate the nation

[NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. They are crossing left to right again, but now they are wearing short skirts.]

NEWSPAPER BOXES
Did he fail? We tend to doubt it.
Extra! Extra! Read all about it.

RUPERT MURDOCH
My riches went up like an Australian pine
And soon the Antipodes were mine, all mine.

In sixty-eight, I went to Britain
In seventy-six, to the States
My need for expansion has proven
The most durable of my traits

I have the Post. I have Fox.
I have Sky TV and Star TV
I have the Times in London
I have MySpace and TGRT

My total combined holdings
Are far too vast to measure
And still, acquiring more things
Brings me a powerful pleasure

I think that I need to consider
Another major acquisition
What property can I snap up
That will advance my mission?

[NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. Now they are wearing only brassieres and underwear.]

NEWSPAPER BOXES
What now? What now?

RUPERT MURDOCH
How 'bout the Dow?

NEWSPAPER BOXES
The Dow? Oh, wow!

RUPERT MURDOCH
That's right. And how.

[The lights go out suddenly. When they come back up, RUPERT MURDOCH is center-stage, bathed in a white light.]

RUPERT MURDOCH
How much for this?
How much for that?
I'll buy it all
In no time flat.

Ten thousand for that peanut!
A million for that stick!
I want it! I want it!
Not getting it will make me sick!

[NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. Now they are topless.]

NEWSPAPER BOXES
Getting things is what makes him tick.
Not getting things just makes him sick.

RUPERT MURDOCH
I know that I've made enemies
But am I that infernal
Just because I want to
Own the Wall Street Journal?

The price I'm offering
Is far more than fair
It works out in the end to over
Sixty bucks a share

[NEWSPAPER BOXES return to the stage. Now they are nude but mute—when they open their mouths to sing, no sound comes out.]

RUPERT MURDOCH
Hey, newspaper girls
I won't feel better
Until I've written a letter
So please, no more twirls.

[RUPERT MURDOCH starts to dictate a letter. As he speaks, the newspaper boxes open and papers printed with his words begin to fly out.]

RUPERT MURDOCH
"They say that I am evil
They say that I'm right-wing
They say that I am ruthless
These words have lost their sting.

"They say that I am trying
To consolidate my wealth
But I have found that buying
Things contributes to my health

"Soon I will own Dow Jones
And after that, who knows?
Maybe the planet Neptune
Or a zoo of CEOs.

"It's hard to know just what to buy
When you have this much cash
It gets more and more difficult
To do something that makes a splash.

"They say that I'm rapacious
Well, you know, no shit, Sherlock
This letter finds me quite loquacious.
Yours sincerely, Rupert Murdoch"

[RUPERT MURDOCH pulls up his pants legs to reveal that he, too, is wearing roller skates. He skates directly toward the audience; as he reaches the lip of the stage he disappears in a puff of smoke.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, was recently published.

Previously: Fragments From 'Stung! The Musical'

[Fade in. Lauren Nelson, the reigning MISS AMERICA, is walking in her hometown of Lawton, Oklahoma, when she catches sight of her reflection in a department store window.]

MISS AMERICA
Who is that girl?
She glows like the dawn
I admire her smile
And the clothes she has on

I feel a kinship
With this princess of Lawton
I once knew her name
But now I've forgotten

[MISS AMERICA's reflection replies.]

REFLECTION
You seem to be
In some kind of shock
My clothes, of course, were taken from your closet
You are acting as dumb
As a big box of rocks
(Lawton is famous for its granite deposits.)

Am I speaking too fast?
Can you see the full view?
I'm not just a girl!
I'm you! I'm you!

[MISS AMERICA faints. Her REFLECTION does not. She sings a swelling ballad that explains MISS AMERICA's consternation.]

REFLECTION
Once upon a time
In Atlantic City
Young women convened
To show that they were pretty

Girls posed and smiled
That was the tradition
Soon enough the whole shebang
Became a competition

They called it Miss America
For years she ruled the world
She survived Vanessa Williams
Butt-naked with another girl

In recent years, however,
She has fallen far
Reality TV, you see,
Has killed the pageant star

Lying at my feet
Is a sad anachronism
Let's retrace her troubles
By moving through time's prism

[The scene fades out. When the lights return, it is three weeks earlier. BROCK MURPHY, a policeman in Suffolk County, is trying to convince MISS AMERICA to work with him on an online operation to capture pedophiles.]

BROCK MURPHY
Help me out! Come on now! Give me the time!
You have the power to help us fight crime!

MISS AMERICA
I'd love to help
But I am unsure
How this will work.
I'll be used as a lure?

BROCK MURPHY
Help me out! Come on now! Give it a try!
You have the power to nail this guy!

MISS AMERICA
Again, I will help
But I need some details
Do you need me to chat?
To send out emails?

BROCK MURPHY
Help me out! Come on now! Give it a shot!
Let's put these dirtbags in jail to rot!

[MISS AMERICA, resigned to the fact that she won't get straight answers from BROCK MURPHY, decides to help.]

MISS AMERICA
I believe in law and order
In juries and in trials
I will help you catch
These loathsome pedophiles

BROCK MURPHY
I'm glad your sense of justice
Is unbowed and undaunted
Oh, by the way, we're filming this
For "America's Most Wanted."

[BROCK MURPHY sets up the sting operation. Using old pictures of MISS AMERICA, he creates an online profile for "Lee-Lee," who claims to be a fourteen-year-old girl interested in having "a good time" with an older man. JIM, a troubled layabout in his early thirties, begins chatting on the Internet with "Lee-Lee." They strike up a friendship that turns intimate and soon enough "Lee-Lee" agrees to meet for sex. JIM is thrilled.]

JIM
I have met the most beautiful girl
Her hair is spun gold. Each eye is a pearl.
I feel a love I could not have foreseen
The best thing about her? She's only fourteen!

[JOE, Jim's much smarter roommate, comes into the room.]

JOE
Who are you texting?
It's probably a sex sting.

JIM
Don't be ridiculous
I have found true love
A lonely hand can sometimes
Locate the perfect glove

JOE
Whatever, dude.
Do we have any food?

[JIM goes to meet "Lee-Lee." He wears cologne and carries a copy of Avril Lavigne's The Best Damn Thing as a gift. When he arrives, he is greeted by the police and MISS AMERICA.]

MISS AMERICA
I'm happy to say
That you'll no longer prey
On an innocent teen

JIM
You're not fourteen!

[JIM's arrest is filmed and shown on the Fox network. Later, when the case comes to trial, JIM's lawyer argues that since JIM spoke to MISS AMERICA, she will have to return to be a witness at the trial. MISS AMERICA, who has returned to Lawton, refuses.]

MISS AMERICA
I helped you nab the bad guys
And avoid a tragic sex attack
But listen when I tell you
I'm not coming back
No - I'm not coming back

I know this sounds unethical
Or selfish at the least
But I need you to understand
I'm not coming east
No - I'm not coming east

[This enrages prosecutors, who feel that this decision may hamper their ability to get a conviction. Prosecutors also note that MISS AMERICA's presence at the arrest was entirely unnecessary.]

PROSECUTORS
We had a chance to get these guys
Before this publicity stunt
How dare you pull this nonsense,
You self-serving little—

MISS AMERICA
Please, please
I wish you'd settle down
I am Miss America
I wear a lovely crown

It upsets me deeply
To see the rage upon your face
I am deeply sorry
If I've jeopardized your case

But...
You can run your stings with another stinger
I'm sorry if frustrations linger
Remember when I was a singer
In the talent portion of the show?
The song was "What Kind of Fool Am I?"
Well, now I guess we know.

[PROSECUTORS and police publicize MISS AMERICA's refusal to testify. Under pressure, MISS AMERICA recants.]

MISS AMERICA
Yesterday I made a cop irate
By saying I wouldn't assist him
Today I say I'll cooperate
When a cop is nice who can resist him?

Oh, the other pageants have their problems
Tara Conner drank and snorted
I feel only pride about
The criminals that I have thwarted

So why shouldn't I lend a hand
To bring these men to justice?
I stand up with society
And declare that they disgust us

I will testify
Of course I will
My duty to the courts
Is a duty I'll fulfill

I will testify
For the prosecution
I was part of the problem
Now I'm part of the solution

[As the trial nears, MISS AMERICA remains in Lawton, where she enjoys a considerable amount of local celebrity. She confides to close friends that she is still not sure about testifying, but that neither she nor the pageant can weather any more bad publicity. The strain of the impending trial weighs on her. One day she is walking in the street when she catches sight of her reflection in a department store window. Her reflection opens its mouth to sing. Fade out.]

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, is just being published.

Previously: Fragments From 'Shetty Woman! The Musical'

[In New Delhi, at an AIDS prevention benefit, the Indian actress SHILPA SHETTY and the American actor RICHARD GERE take to the podium.]

SHILPA SHETTY
The two of us are here today to help raise AIDS awareness
In a film I once portrayed a woman who was careless.
That film was Phir Milenge—my character caught HIV.
Please heed her example. Do not act so recklessly.

RICHARD GERE
That's right, Shilpa: We need more attention called to this
Issue of safe sex. And now, a little kiss.

[RICHARD GERE kisses SHILPA SHETTY. Immediately there is controversy, as devout Hindus find this public display of affection undignified. Members of Shiv Sena, the Hindu nationalist party, burn images of Gere and Shetty.]

RICHARD GERE
I kissed her, yes, it's true
A gentle little peck.
I got her on the hands and cheek
Not on the breast and neck.

And yet the second my lips touched,
India ignited.
(It's just the women, usually,
Who find themselves excited.)

A thousand angry Hindu men
Have organized a posse
To burn my effigy with sticks
In the streets of Varanasi.

SHILPA SHETTY
I am hardly a stranger to controversy
In fact, you could say we're best friends
There are times I lay in bed and dream of calmer waters
But the turbulence upon the ocean never seems to end

In 2003 my parents were arrested
Charged with extortion, accused of underworld ties,
In 2006, I was upbraided for a photograph
In which I posed with Reema Sen in sexy ways: Oh, shield your eyes!

On Celebrity Big Brother, I suffered vicious racist taunts
Like "Shilpa Fuckawallah" and "ugly dog": Is that what any woman wants?
But even these humiliations were not sufficient preparation
For the way that Richard's kiss would infuriate my nation.

Did he show affection?
It's fair to say he did
But how was he to know
That it is so forbid?

Or is the word forbidden?
I'm rattled by this fuss
It was just a kiss, a smack,
A tiny insubstantial buss.

[The leaders of Shiv Sena defend the protests. Obscenity complaints are filed against Shetty and Gere in separate courts in Rajasthan and Uttar Pradesh. Gere flies to Tibet to address concerns about Tibetan refugees passing through Nepal.]

RICHARD GERE
I'd like to put it all behind me
I have other things to do
Do you know how many unkissed women
There are right here in Katmandu?

I know I've sparked an outrage
And countless late-night jokes
I wish that I felt worse about it.
Please go see The Hoax!

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, is just being published.

Previously: Fragments From 'Imus! The Musical'

IMUS
One afternoon in April
I watched some basketball
It was played by women
Like that's a sport at all

Tennessee was winning
The other team was not
The losers were from Rutgers
They didn't have a shot

The next day on the radio
Conversation turned to hoops
And I observed some differences
Among disparate racial groups

There were eight young women
Who played hard for that team
African-Americans whom I decided to demean

So...
Nappy-headed hos
That was what I said
By that I meant that they were whores
With nappy hair upon their head

[There is instant reaction to IMUS's comments.]

IMUS
My face is craggy
My skin is saggy
Some find the way I look quite hard to take
My mood is black
Like a heart attack
But I'm on the air each morning as Americans awake

For thirty years I've hurled spears
At all faiths, nationalities, and races
I've never really felt the need
To look my targets in their faces

So why would these young women
Be treated with respect?
That's not what I do
I'm not politically correct

[African-American leaders begin to call for IMUS to be removed from his radio show. Among the most prominent are the Revs. AL SHARPTON and JESSE JACKSON]

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
We call for your removal
From America's airwaves
A man should not reap benefits
Unless that man behaves

[Later, IMUS goes on the air and apologizes.]

IMUS
Oh mea culpa
They beat me to a pulp-a
My bitter tears would fill a cup
The size of a Big Gulp-a

Oh culpa mea
What did I say-a
I've held this job for thirty years
I'd really like to stay-a

[IMUS begins to appear on talk shows to address the controversy.]

IMUS
Of course I am regretful
Why else would I agree
To sit on the Today show
And have Matt Lauer talk to me?

Why else would I be willing
To go on Sharpton's show?
I've done so many interviews
I kind of feel like a ho.

[COACH C. VIVIAN STRINGER and her team address the media.]

COACH STRINGER
Abominable. unconscionable
Despicable, deplorable
The comments Mr. Imus made
Were nothing short of horrible

My girls and I worked hard
To focus and achieve
To hear this kind of poison
Makes us mad and makes us grieve

[IMUS continues to apologize, but sometimes seems to be defending himself.]

IMUS
I am very sorry
I see that you are black
But some of this imbroglio
Is a personal attack

They're trying to attack me
But a strong man stands up proud
This is still America
Offensive speech is still allowed

They're trying to attack me
But I won't go down without a fight
At my ranch for kids with cancer
Some are black and some are white

[Activists, sensing a lack of total contrition and citing a history of objectionable comments, begin to increase the pressure on IMUS.]

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
Your argument has little basis
The kettle concurs with the pot
You've proved that cancer isn't racist
But not, of course, that you are not

[Various RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES and NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS, while not necessarily defending IMUS, begin to criticize his critics, particularly SHARPTON AND JACKSON]

RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES/NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS
Tawana didn't tell the truth
The town isn't called Hymie
How can you condemn this man
When the two of you have been so slimy?

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
Some have called us hypocrites
Because we have misspoken
But it's not about if the shoe fits
We fix what history has broken

RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES/NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS
A child out of wedlock?
Freddy's Fashion Mart?
When it comes to bad behavior
The two of you have done your part

SHARPTON AND JACKSON
Clearly, we are flawed
But tell me, is it fair
To lump us both together
Like we're a vaudeville pair?

RADIO AND TELEVISION PERSONALITIES/NEWSPAPER COLUMNISTS
We don't know exactly what to say
It's just funnier that way

[The outcry intensifies. MSNBC suspends IMUS's television show for two weeks. Major sponsors, such as Staples and Geico, pull their advertising. Finally, CBS calls a press conference to discuss the fate of the radio show.]

CBS
To err is human: fine.
To profit from it is divine.
But as luck had it, this flap happened right at Eastertime
That slowed us down, I guess
What an inopportune mess
Now join me please in welcoming our CEO Les Moonves

LES MOONVES
There has been much discussion
Of the effect your language had
On America's young women:
We all agree it's bad.

We've come to a conclusion.
And so, my friend, have you.
There are those among us
Who feel it's overdue.

So it's time to hit the road
It's time to wave goodbye
The CBS eye could be crying
But it's mostly dry.

In light of what has happened
It's important that you learn
That you are not as funny
As Letterman or Howard Stern

[IMUS is fired. He begins to pack up his office.]

IMUS
I'd say that I feel terrible
But that's not exactly right
For starters I could easily
Move the show to satellite

And even if I never
Go back on the air
I made a ton of money
So why exactly would I care?

I have a ranch out West
Have I mentioned that before?
I can go relax there
For miles there's not a single whore

The best thing about retirement
Is that that you are your own boss
I'll sit and think about my life
And how they put me on the cross

And I'll look to the future, too
I still have dreams despite my loss
I'll sit and wait for Al and Jesse
To meet with Duke lacrosse

Ben Greenman is an editor at the New Yorker and the author of several books of fiction. His latest book, A Circle is a Balloon and Compass Both, is just being published.