The report said that no-one knows how Taek Jho Low, a 20-something Wharton grad, has so much money. Reliable sources say that despite his cuddly appearance, he is actually quite a dangerous character. More when I get it/do not fear death. As well as racking up $160k in one night at Avenue, he bought Lindsay Lohan 23 bottles of Cristal on her birthday, and regularly drops $50k in Pink Elephant - after one party he flew eight waitresses back to Malaysia with him. He also rolls with an entourage of 12 and pays about $150k a month in rent in Diddy's old building, the Park Imperial on 56th Street (where his fleet of Escalades annoys the neighbors.)

As well as spending 2006-levels of money on an average Tuesday, he joined the ranks of the hyper-rich who (allegedly) pay to get up close and personal with women they see on the TV when he flew Fox out to his party. Ron Burkle was accused, in a book earlier this year, of paying to watch Paris Hilton get some girl-on-girl action. And British model/magazine cover regular Sophie Anderton admitted recently that she'd been a high-end hooker, selling her services for about $25,000.

There is, of course, no evidence that Fox did anything but discuss the weather with Low.

Typically, we'll get to this a lot earlier in the day, but there was a special kind of fun going on this weekend.

First off, let's talk rules. A commenter made a very astute observation (it happens) about much of the conversation regarding Saturday Night Live these days. It bears repeating here, because it was so spot-on:

Standardized Responses for SNL Threads.
1. SNL is still on?
2. I might have to watch this SNL sometime.
3. SNL hasn't been funny since _____ (insert name) was president.
4. The Tina Fey era was the (Choose one:) Best/ Worst.
5. (Canadians/Brits/Aussies:) You Americans can't say Fuck on the telly?
6. (Me, other Oldes:) Jane Curtin/ Dan Aykroyd - now there was a Weekend Update.
7. And I remember when Charles Rocket said Fuck. I got on my Commodore computer and typed a letter about it.

Saturday Night Live's still on TV because people still watch it. Why? Because it's live, because there are celebrities in skits, because there's music, because sometimes there's nothing better than staying home on a Saturday night, but mostly because sometimes, it can be funny. If you're going to be old and assy, please: now would be the best time to go the fuck away.

So! Let's talk the hype on this thing. Lorne shitcanned Michaela Watkins and Casey Wilson, which Brian thinks dooms them to lives of obscurity, and which some people think had to do with one of them being "fat." He replaced them with Jenny Slate and Nasim Perdrad, whom bloggers were blogging about.

First guest lineup: Megan Fox and U2. Hype rating: B.

Opening sketch: a little underwhelming for the first of the season. It was lampooning Moammar Gadhafi's rambling UN speech, which is an obscure political flub for SNL to dive into. Maybe that's what made it so funny: the comedy of being semi-lost in translation, the comedy of foreign diplomacy (inherently funny IRL), and, well, foreigners (easy stuff for SNL). It won me over, but still: I'd expect bigger. Also: too long. That makeup job, however, is great, and hysterically accurate. Grade: B-

Megan Fox's opening monologue was about guys photoshopping her head onto the bodies of other people on the internet. First joke ("Feels like being here is a dream. Based on the way they dressed me: a 13 year-old boy's dream.") was great, but the play on nudie pics got old, quick. They threw an "audience" internerd in for good measure. Fox was charismatic, but also, looked strangely into the camera, like she wanted to eat it. A photoshopped picture of U2, however childish, was funny. This was the second most entertaining thing involving U2 last night, and they played three songs. Grade: C

Kristen Wiig's first skit of the night was her and Fox as flight attendants to terrified passengers. The conventions on bad flight attendants were cute, but it dissolved into a headache-inducing, screechy conversation about Monk, which is funnier out of context than it is when you're watching it. SNL Writers, learn: play on conventions, funny, overkill of characters, not. To be fair, Fox and Wiig were solid. Grade: C-

My next note read the following: "LADY GAGA IS ON NEXT WEEK OMFG YOU GUYS." I had to be reminded that the guest was Ryan Reynolds. Hype Level: A- Gags better deliver. Reynolds knows how to do comedy. But they really—really—need to put Gags in a skit. Please, for the love of Gag, put her in a skit.

Next: Bill Hader doing the Russian Bride suitor joke. Megan Fox and Fred Armison are the Russian Brides. This is funny because Fred Armison looks fucking ridiculous, and making fun of Russian sexuality: funny. Megan Fox as Katya put her best "bitchface" on to great effect. Fred Armison singing "The Groove": amazing. Just silly. Grade: A-

The first of the two digital shorts (yes, two) wasn't that great. Maybe great in an art-house humor way, but: I didn't get it. Megan Fox is on a date with someone mentally challenged? What'd the description say, "effete retard?" Fox knows how to work a camera far better than a live stage, and it showed. She played this one really, really well. Too bad it just wasn't that great. Grade: D.

Keenan Thompson: sore spot for plenty of people. Remember: Tracy Morgan had his haters, too. Some people despised the Brian Fellows character. Don't count Thompson out. Keenan as "Grady Wilson" with sex positions? Nothing new, but: funny, especially since the Megan-Fox-having-sex innuendo plays really, really dirty. "Speaking in Tounges?" "The Jabberwocky?" Those are funny. Watch Megan Fox break character at the very end of the "Wild Boar." Grade: B.

I'm not wasting any words on U2's first two performances, suffice to say that Bono thinks he's Jesus, tried to freestyle during one of them (not joking), and that the new songs sound like murky Pop b-sides we could definitely live without. Musical Guest U2: D, if only for spectacle.

Next few skits were nothing special:

Weekend Update was decent, but Seth Meyers tore through the one-liners too quickly for any of them to be funny. Kennan played a Def Jam Paris correspondent (Huh?) and Kristen Wiig did the "just kidding" nervous travel correspondent, which was kind of amazing. Still waiting to see Seth Meyers carry this thing alone slightly better, but he's got a decent handle on it for the moment. Grade: C+, for Kristen Wiig. Less a feat of humor, more one of endurance.

A late-night party line ad skit was bizarre and somewhat uncomfortable. The second digital short—about Megan Fox's roommate being Optimus Prime—wasn't great either, aside from a bizarre cameo at the very end. I won't ruin it for you, but really: was that worth it? Meh. They should stick to making celebrities rap. It doesn't get old. It really doesn't. Phone Sex grade: D. Optimus Prime grade: D.

Final skit of the night: Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox. Kristen Wiig played your mom. Not a character they can go anywhere with, because the joke's too subtle. But: points for depicting a bizarre situation accurately. Grade: D+

Finally: U2 came out to play their last song over the credits. Bono was full of lazers and swung around on this red lavawheel microphone thing, it's just something to look at. He looks like a Spider Man villain. The song sounded better than the other two, but that wasn't saying much. When will a band just go on Saturday Night Live and play a crowdpleaser? When will U2 learn that the best way to sell new albums is to sell old albums? Etc.

Ah: there's one skit you won't find on Hulu today. Wonder why that is. Jenny Slate was the first of the two new cast members to go live, and it was fuck-ing exciting. The skit? It almost felt like a setup for Slate to say "fucking," because every other word was "frickin." It was the old talk show format, starring biker chicks. You can imagine how this went. We'll omit this from the judging because who can be funny when they think their life as they know it just ended? You could tell she was shocked, and the premise wasn't that great to begin with.

Verdict: C-. Megan Fox: great guest. But used in the same kinds of sketches we're used to, with exceptions to a few. The bad ones were bad: gratingly so. Fred Armisen was underused. Kennan Thompson showed the potential I want him to have (that plenty of SNL viewers don't, for whatever reason). U2 was...U2. SNL needs to make their performances exciting again, and they're not going to do that with lasers. Remember when Elvis Costello "sabatoged" the Beastie Boys with "Radio Radio" on the 25th Anniversary? It doesn't take much to pull that kind of thing off. When the most shocking thing about SNL is someone accidentally saying "fuck" their first night on the job, something's gotta give.

Fingers crossed for Lady Gaga. Seriously. Let's see some penis.

• Megan Fox says she has supernatural sexual powers. I say it comes from her freaky thumbs. Those freaky, beautiful thumbs. They resemble the thumbs of other superpowered individuals. But she's using her powers for the best of bests: doing it. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• John Travolta's going to testify in the extortion case regarding the paramedics who tried to roll Travolta during his son's death. [TMZ]
  
  
• Oh, man. How does it feel to be Deryck Whibley, the Sum 41 lead singer now getting divorced from and by Avril Lavigne, after she spent the summer partying on a yacht with greaseball oil heir Brandon Davis? Well, probably shitty. They've been together since she was 17, got married when they were 21, and now at 24, Lavigne's saying L8R to the original SK8R BOI. Which is the kind of thing he should be reassured by, though: she went from a Canadian punk rocker to Brandon Davis, which is the celebrity romance equivalent of going from drinking lots of Schlitz with the occasional hit of weed, to smoking meth and getting all scratchy and jaw-clenchy. Brandon Davis, Avril? Really? Say L8R to your dignity. Whibley need not worry about karmic retribution. [Page Six]
  
  
• Taylor Swift may write a song about being Kanye'd by Kanye West at the VMAs, thus resulting a hip hop beef on par with LL Cool J and Canibus, but not on par with, say, Jay-Z and Nas. Because this one's a no-brainer: Swift will slay West with her sick rhymes about destroying him up the ass with a fist and a jammy, or whatever rappers scream at each other about when they beef these days. [US]
  
  
• Yoko Ono calls Britney Spears a survivor. Meanwhile, remember that time Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles? [US]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's brothers are filming a reality show. This is why I'm glad I only have one brother and zero reality shows. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jay-Z called Kanye West "super passionate," which puts him in the same category of bark-happy rapper DMX, and where's DMX now? In the kennel, or wherever rappers go to have their careers put down or at least go away for a few years. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin won't charge for his signature. Good thing, because anyone willing to pay for his signature should probably be jailed or sentenced to a particularly intense colonic to get whatever bad chemicals are inside of them that's forcing them to do that extracted in the most visceral way possible. [TMZ]
  
  
• Rebecca Gayheart—yes, Eric Dane's wife, she of The McSteamy Affair—is preggers. She's said to be having quite a bit of trouble with morning sickness. Doctors attributed it to reading too much Gawker in the morning. Apparently, the rage-induced anonymous binge-commenting provoked by typos were making her queasy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Stone Temple Pilot Scott Weiland had a seizure on an airplane, which had to be piloted to the ground in order for him to recieve appropriate medical care. Hopefully, he's okay. [TMZ]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around, Comes Around" philosophy has been transcended...by Justin Timberlake. The other night at Avenue, Timberlake skipped the line. Some girl gets faux-pissy and jokes to Timberlake that he can't skip the line, to which he replies "Oh, I absolutely can," in all sincerity. She then asked for an autograph (clearly a tourist), to which he replied that he would, but he's too wasted (the best excuse in New York). Every now and then, Timberlake should be allowed to—or even, be encouraged—to be a dick. I mean, jesus, this is guy that brought sexy back. He has a quota to fill, assholes. [Page Six]
  
  
• Is it a good sign or a bad sign when a director misses a press junket for her first movie? Take, for example, the hot mess that's going to be Drew Barrymore's Whip It, starring Ellen Page as a rising roller derby-ette. She missed the press for the Toronto Film Festival because she was out getting tanked with Amanda Seyfried a couple of nights before. [Page Six]
  
  
• Some guy tried to violate the magical ecosystem of Hollywood by assulting blessed Hollywood munchkin Ryan Seacrest. He tried to get into Seacrest's clown car, Seacrest did what anybody else would do—pulled away—and now he's going to face 15 days in jail and is ordered to stay away from Seacrest. If the man is secretly an aspiring unicorn, this is essentially equivalent to a particularly heinous, roundabout instance of self-immolation. [NYDN]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelly have a new Babsian in their lives, the 10 month-old Naleigh, adopted from South Korea. It's really pretty cute, and there's a picture. You thought I was going to go somewhere else with that, didn't you? Fuckoff. I like babies. [Page Six]

Finally, Shana Tova, Jews! It's the first day of the Jewish New Year, and if you're not at synagogue for the high holidays, feel free to email Rabbi Foster (I was bar-mitzvah'd: that certifies me, no?) at Foster [at] Gawker [Dot] Com with all of your resolutions for the Jewish New Year. Rising ponzi schemers: I'm listening, and have a solid client base. Now: bump this shit.

But if Rolling Stone thought they could cheat the web out of a every drop of Megan Fox info available to humanity, on the weekend when her new film Jennifer's Body opens, they are about to learn a about this brave new world.

There might have been a day when there were stories about things that weren't Megan Fox but frankly, we can't remember back that far. Since the sultry wackjob from Tennessee became the internet, a million new forms of reporting have been discovered to chronicle her all the aspects of her complex personage. The gal with an unhinged take on every piece of modern life has challenged the world's media to document each and every pearl of fascination to fall from her lips. And thus it became the work of an army of reporters to report on the Rolling Stone piece.

Here then is your guide to the complete reporting of Rolling Stone's report:

• Us.com, The NY Daily News and many others, led with Fox's revelations of youthful self-mutilating antics, with her affirmative answer to the standard interview question, have you ever cut yourself? Us quoted Rolling Stone quoting Fox elaborating, "But I don't want to elaborate. I would never call myself a cutter."

•Perez Hilton led with the elephant in the room of the Megan Fox beat, her fiery but exciting temper. He quoted Rolling Stone quoting, "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.' I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure." Hilton editorializes on the theme, writing, "Ohhhh, just in the leg? Umm, PSYCHO!"

•E!Online put the spotlight on Rolling Stone's spotlight on Fox's thoughts on men's thoughts about vagina. After quoting her assertion that she has a "powerful, confident vagina," E! quotes the quote, "Men are scared of vaginas. [A woman is most powerful when she is] completely in charge of her sexuality."

•MTV News wisely choose to focus its reporting on the subject of the pictures themselves, describing them in perhaps the least evocative phrase ever written, "The 23-year-old starlet looks like a femme fatale ready for a day at the beach."

But all this of course is just the first draft of history. The final story of what Rolling Stone's Megan Fox profile meant will not be told until the dissertations are written, the seminars held and the votes tallied long after we all are gone.

6. Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried's Kiss Isn't That Exploitative

By the time I saw a screening of Jennifer's Body last week, the "lesbian kiss" clip was already partially online, and seemed just as eye-rollingly marketing department-mandated as one would expect. But it actually fits nicely into the plot — in the full scene, Needy (Amanda Seyfried) is suspicious of Jennifer (Megan Fox), and Jennifer is trying to win her back the only way she knows how — with her overpowering sexuality. Besides, it's played for laughs when Needy suddenly realizes they're kissing and pushes Jennifer away and is all like "Wait, what?" about it.

5. The Diablo Cody-isms Aren't As Distracting As They Were In Juno

Jennifer's Body probably could have done without "Moveon, Dot Org!", but generally, the weird Diablo Cody alien teenspeak is limited to one character — Jennifer — which makes it seem like it's her tic, not the entire movie's. And when I'm watching a horror movie, I like knowing there's always another pop culture allusion just around the corner. This movie isn't trying to be Citizen Kane. I might even start calling my best friends Monistat and Vagisil...well...or not. But teenagers do tend to have their own language, and if it was okay in Heathers, it's okay here.

4. Adam Brody's Dead-On Brandon Flowers Impression

Adam plays the eyelinered lead singer of the indie band Low Shoulder, whose single "Through The Trees" goes platinum after it becomes the official song of the Devil's Kettle Tragedy. Though Adam claims in interviews that he based his character on several famous lead singers, come on, it's Brandon Flowers from The Killers all the way. He even grows a Flowers-esque mustache after he gets famous. It adds another layer to think of his ruthless evil famewhore character being based on Flowers the goodie two-shoes Mormon.

3. J.K. Simmons As the Wig-Wearing Science Teacher With A Hook For A Hand

Because J.K. Simmons is always funny, and because the hook is never explained or even mentioned.

2. Megan Fox....Can...Actually...Like...Act?

Bad news for Megan Fox's legions of haters: she may have dumb tattoos, say silly things in interviews, and possess exactly one mouth-agape red-carpet facial expression, but in this movie at least, Megan Fox's ability to play the full range of her ditzy-yet-utterly-enthralling high school alpha-female character is undeniable. (Amanda Seyfriend is also terrific, but we already knew that.) You just can't stop watching Megan, and after this mesmerizing performance, her sudden massive fame seems a little bit more understandable. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. It's just true. Bitch can act, and we need to accept it and move on (dot org).

1. It's An Empowerment Movie For Former Wallflower Sidekicks Everywhere

Most of us have, at some point in our lives, found ourselves playing sidekick to an underminer-y, narcissistic, "best friend." (This is based on anecdotal, not scientific, research, but it's totally true.) We tend to grow out of it by our late '20s unless we're characters on Sex and the City, but if the low-self-in-relation-to-Miss-Superstar-esteem memories still linger, Jennifer's Body is THE movie to see to permanently exorcise your inner nerdy sidekick forever. It's a horror movie about toxic friendships! Why didn't anyone think of that before? The last two scenes of Jennifer's Body will make any former wallflower feel like a badass, giving us more than we ever expected from a cheap horror movie: an hour and a half of therapy. See it with a friend you (actually, really) love!

• Lindsay Lohan's a silly, silly brat. The former movie star tried to pull imaginary rank by moving other celebrities' seating assignments to accommodate her sister and two friends. Her little plan took out Juliette Lewis and Christian Siriano's seats, but security stepped in when she tried to reassign Taylor Momsen. That has to sting. [Page Six]
  
  
• President Carter, who's making all sorts of news these days, thinks Kanye acted inappropriately the VMA awards. Carter, you're so hip. [CNN]
  
  
• Sad Mischa Barton's drunken days don't seem to be behind her, for the actress was slurring her words at the G-Star after party. She then danced by herself in the deejay booth. Can't this girl get her act together? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Bassett Baskett must have thought they had a pretty good life, but now that fairy tale's crashing down: the Philadelphia Eagles just dropped Bassett from the team. [NYDN]
  
  
• Abercrombie & Fitch has filed an inane lawsuit against Beyonce because they think her "Sasha Fierce" line of products sounds too much like their perfume, "Fierce." [Reuters]
  
  
• Megan Fox admits that she's "aggressive, hurtful, domineering and selfish." We believe her. [LA Times]
  
  
• Madonna's brother thinks she looks like "Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong." Eck! We can't imagine such a thing. [E!]
  
  
• That was fast! Burt Reynolds has already left rehab for his addiction to pain killers. [AP]
  
  
• Those royals sure can be rude: Queen Elizabeth's sister, Princess Margaret, burned letters sent from Princess Diana to the Queen Mother. Margaret thought she was respecting her family's privacy, she claims, but we think she was just being mean. [Telegraph]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's lawyer is pissed that the family's former nanny is speaking out about how she had sex with him. Honestly, he should be commending her courage. [Us Weekly]
  
  
• Someone pulled a gun on Paris Hilton's "BF" Doug Reinhardt at a club in LA. He wasn't hurt, thankfully. Wait, who the hell is Doug Reinhardt? [TMZ]

• Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her beloved pooch Daisy still walks among us, despite the fact that she saw it snatched by a coyote. We're not sure which is more sad: the dog's apparent death or the fact that Simpson thinks it could still be alive. [Star]
  
  
• Tom Delay, the former lawmaker who is now on Dancing with the Stars, has been injured after his old ass body couldn't keep up with the show's high-stepping ways. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Sean Penn doesn't let the grass grow under his groin, for the actor has moved on from Robin Wright with a model named Jessica White. [NYDN]
  
  
• Here's a shock: Samantha Burke, the woman knocked up by Jude Law, has been talking to publishers to get the highest price for an interview and pictures of her new-born love child. Asking price: $200,000. That's one pricey call girl, huh? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rudy Giuliani's gay friend Howard Koeppel insists the former NYC mayor won't run to be the state's Governor. Well, that's a relief! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill Clinton wanted Hillary to be Al Gore's vice-president. That obviously didn't pan out.... [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• How rude! A Ukrainian church has called Elton John, a known homosexual, a "sinner" after his aborted attempt to adopt an orphan from the country. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, good Christ! As if Taylor Momsen weren't already on a highway to hell, the poor girl's now saddling up to Lindsay Lohan. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Lohan has been bringing her little — 15-year old — sister to night clubs. Shouldn't this help build a case against Lohan's mother, Dina. It should. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Haha! While Whitney Houston's enjoying new-found success, Bobby Brown's griping about the fact that he's fat. Bloated, we thinl but let's not get picky. [TMZ]
  
  
• George Clooney said he would rather have a man's cold finger up his bum than have a Facebook page. Hmmm... [Page Six]
  
  
• British "model" Katie Price says someone famous once raped her, but her ex-husband doesn't seem to know what the fuck she's talking about. We wonder why. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she would never own a gun because she would shoot someone, like boyfriend Brian Austin Green. He was better off with Donna Martin, no? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Gervais once said it was alright for a funny man to be over-weight, but now he's slim and svelte and, some think, simply too thin. We think there's no such thing! [3am]

So! Megan Fox was promoting Jennifer's Body, the new Diablo Cody monster whatever movie. Wonderland magazine asks her about Transformers 2, and she goes off the reservation on Michael Bay:

God, I really wish I could go loose on this one. He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it's endearing to watch him.

Now, while Megan Fox is trying to cement her reputation as a ridiculously inaccessible super rad badass post-femme hottie goddess rockbitch (or whatever Diablo Cody would call it) by basically calling Michael Bay a small-dicked boy with big explosive toys, a bunch of Michael Bay crewmembers—Or fanboys! Or both!—posted a letter on a Michael Bay message board. They write:

Megan has the press fooled...we have never understood why Megan was always such – the grump of the set?

...When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we've had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair

Yes! Written like true techies. She's got a tat? Call her trailer trash! And again:

Megan says that Transformers was an unsafe set? Come on Megan, we know it is a bit more strenuous then the playground at the trailer park, but you don't insult one of the very best stunt and physical effects teams in the business! Not one person got hurt!

And who is the real Megan Fox? She is very different than the academy nominee and winning actors we've all worked around. She's as about ungracious a person as you can ever fathom.

Yeah, well, we imagine that's the case with everyone. What say you of franchise star Shia LaDouche? Exactly. Furthermore!

The press certainly doesn't know her most famous line. On our first day in Egypt, the Egyptian government wouldn't let us shoot because of a permit problem as the actors got ready in make up at the Four Seasons Hotel. Michael tried to make the best of it; he wanted to take the cast and crew on a private tour of the famous Giza pyramids. God hold us witness, Megan said, "I can't believe Michael is fucking forcing us to go to the fucking pyramids!" I guess this is the "Hitler guy" she is referring to.

Okay, that's just funny. So! Word of the letter leaks out. Sister Jez gets to it, Michael K at D-Listed gets to it with his own analysis:

The letter is supposed to make you want to run for president of the I HATE MEGAN FOX fan club, but it actually makes me kind of like her stupid ass for a quick minute. I mean, she's dumb, she's a slut and she's a bitch. The dumb slutty bitch is my kind! It's like we were separated at the free clinic!

God, he's a poet. And for a moment, this struggle of two work cultures—the "talent" culture, and the "techie" culture, this ages-long Hollywood battle over the value of diva actors and the work they do and the class struggles that exist between them—it hung in the air, dangling over the edge of becoming an all-out war, like an Autobot teetering on the precipice of a cliff, about to fall into the Grand Canyon, when Michael Bay, the great negotiator, stepped in. The letter was removed from the site! Forget for a moment that D Listed has it up, Just Jared still has it, and Google has it cached, and read into the great peacemaking the Michael Bay doth purport, on his site:

I don't condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don't condone Megan's outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3.

Michael

Genius. This is the man who brought us Armegeddon; he's a natrual crowdpleaser and one hell of a moneymaker, at heart. You think he'd do anything but leave open the possibility of more cast and crew infighting and insanity?

Winner: Michael Bay.
Losers: Classless Tech Crew Who Can't Write A Letter Very Well, With Exception To The Egypt Anecdote.
Push: Megan Fox. Yes, probably an asshole, but an honest, funny one. Like, sometimes, you're in Egypt, you just don't want to see the fuckin' pyramids, you know? Someone get me a mango lassi while we wait for these robots to get gassed. I've got my wonderful freaky thumbs to look at.

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

• For the second year in a row, Paramount and Warner Brothers led the summer box office derby, fueled by Transformers 2 and Star Trek for Paramount and Harry Potter and The Hangover for Warners. Universal landed at the bottom of the heap with a string of disappointments including Bruno, Land of the Lost and Funny People. Variety cautions, however, "Market share and profitability don't necessarily go hand in hand, since market share doesn't account for how much a studio has spent on production and marketing." Meaning just because they took in a fortune, doesn't meed they made a dime. [Variety]

• The Hollywood Reporter credits this year's four percent uptick in receipts to the higher ticket prices Hollywood conned America into paying for 3-D movies. [Hollywood Reporter]

• A tepid last weekend of the summer box office race was again won by last weekend's winner, Final Destination 3-D which took the crown with a paltry 15.4 million. To no one's shock, this weekend's releases Gamer and All About Steve both failed to catch fire. [Box Office Mojo]

• The Telluride Festival closed with strong reviews for at least a pair of films. Last year, the festival first brought Slumdog Millionaire to the world. This year, Jason Reitman's Up In the Air and Tolstoy biopic The Last Station won strong reviews. [Variety]

• Robert Pattinson's life must suck. Seriously. Don't his "fans" get it? He's not going to sleep with them, he has nothing interesting to say to them, and he probably doesn't even understand the appeal of Twilight over Harry Potter, especially since there was subtext that Cedric Diggory was digging out at Hogwarts in Goblet of Fire...said someone to me who read the book. Anyway! Men are beginning to approach him and it's very evident that he's straight and doesn't care to be an object of affection to two sexes of manic psychopaths. Stephanie Meyer, you're to blame for Pattinson's life of being forsaken. You're like Camus, in control of real people. Subtext: you need to kill Edward Cullen so Pattinson can live in peace. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling: when you bringing Potter out of retirement? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lady Gaga BlaBla Alert: She has a vibrator and she Must. Alert. The Presses. One line about this constitutes an item in a British gossip tabloid. Truly: they suck. Also, more about the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy, which is basically the Birther movement of Pop Culture, but far more enjoyable. She's now saying that her vagina is offended that people would think there's a penis there. Of course her vagina would be offended, says someone. It's feigning indignation to cover for the truth. [The Sun and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she has mild bouts of Schizophrenia. I'm sure. 'Cause that ass is cray-zy, girl! [US]
  
  
• The Jonas Bro-ness bought a house in Texas for $2.8M. It's going to be, what, their gangster ass chastity pad? No. But:Balling, indeed. [US]
  
  
• On Set Romance! Shia LaBouf is dating his Wall Street 2 co-star, Cary Mulligan. I would make a joke about this, because Shia LaBouf has admitted to having a small penis and she's British and well, you know, but I'm 24 and I'm not in Wall Street 2 and in addition to earning not that much money, well, you know. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, Paula Abdul wants to "destroy" American Idol? Well, sure, honey, we'd all like to see it somewhere other than prime time, but that doesn't mean people need to die. Okay, maybe Danny Gokey, just because of his last name. Meanwhile, a terse Simon Cowell supposedly misses her. [Showbiz Spy and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• George Hamilton had sex with his stepmom, once. When? Well he's had that smug "I've been laid" look on his face since he was twelve, apparently. Does this surprise you? [NYDN]
  
  
• The New York Daily News busts out their top economists to determine that Jon Gosselin's irresponsible spending could leave him destitute one day! Well, yes, but then again, you can only purchase so many Ed Hardy shirts and host so many Vegas pool parties before the universe decides to forsake typical procedure and suck you through a black hole of existence from being a complete assface and maybe you'll come out on the other side wanting to consider a way to live a life your children will not completely hate you for once they get to high school, and especially, college? Whichever one goes to a liberal arts college might come home one day and stab him in a non-mortal wounding way. [NYDN]
  
  
• British people are kooky. They're still indulging their Orwellian fetishes with Big Brother, the shitshow that puts a bunch of crazies in a house and makes them oust one another until someone's left and the producers can then give them money to fuck up their life and perpetrate the show's brand. And now, another one. Apparently, the "winner" of Big Brother 10, Sophie, is going to take the scratch and use it on a "massive boob job." Massive? "Go bigger? Why not, just for a change, go massive." Well, there you have it: massive. Also, she wants a "designer vagina." In other news, I can feel my spinal fluid. [Mirror]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, famous for being the sister of Kim, who's famous for having a large ass, is now dating the L.A. Lakers' Lamar Odom. Odom won an NBA championship last season, if you'll remember. This season, he'll win brain damage through his cock. [E!]
  
  
• Selena Gomez is a UNICEF ambassador. Because when I'm in need of UNICEF, the most comforting sight I could see: Selena Gomez! Yes! Like water in the desert, except, well, no. This is stupid. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired 40 staffers in three months! Imagine how many quit. It wasn't her, that was the hair talking. [US]

• Megan Fox, who stars in Cody Diablo's Jennifer's Body, says she's feels safer kissing girls, like co-star Amanda Seyfried, who wasn't so comfortable. Giggle attack! [Us]
  
  
• Awww, Rihanna's so sweet! She sent Taylor Swift roses after the singer's Madison Square Garden concert. Again: awwww! [Just Jared]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse went to the dentist and, like the human that she is, came out swollen. That is all. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sales of Michael Jackson tribute magazines raked in about $55 million. They are now collecting dust. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Meanwhile, the broke Jacko had bad credit. [TMZ]
  
  
• We've some bad fake tans in our day, but few compare to the one current being worn by Donald Trump. [TMZ]
  
  
• Courtney Love, who files a new Twitter post almost every minute during the wee, crackhead hours, is tired of her staff, who apparently aren't "passionately supportive" enough. Supportive of what remains unclear.[Twitter]
  
  
• Paris Hilton went to Guatemala to help impoverished children and came back a different person: "It was a pleasure, those children touched my heart and soul. My outlook on life is so different now." We'll see how long that lasts. [3am]
  
  
• The Gossip Girl cast were absolutely astonished, sickened and beside themselves over news that taping was being held up because Hilary Duff wouldn't come out of her trailer. The nerve! [Page Six]
  
  
• Dancing with the Stars contestant Mya made inappropriate comments about her dance partner and his ruler, which we can only assume means his penis. [E!]
  
  
• Anna Wintour offspring Bee Shaffer far more interesting in law than fashion. Who isn't?! [Page Six]

• Demi Moore threw her daughter Rumer Willis a 21st birthday party in Vegas over the weekend complete with male strippers! Also in attendance were Rumer's dad Bruce Willis and stepdad Ashton Kutcher, who did not play any part in the beefcake festivities as far as I can tell. [Orlando Sentinel and People]
  
  
• Desperate to get his daughter back in the spotlight again, Jessica Simpson's father Joe is nagging American Idol producers to hire Jessica to be Paula Abdul's replacement. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Jackson shitshow continues to ramble on — over the weekend news broke that Michael Jackson's body was frozen by his mother in a secret freezer, now Joe Jackson is claiming, over a lunch of ribs and jalapeno bread, that the family has finally settled on Jacko's burial arrangements. [Mirror and Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Producers of Diablo Cody's new film Jennifer's Body are planning on making a big deal out of a make-out scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried as a part of the film's publicity push. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are the latest Britney Spears bikini pics, this time she's looking sort of curvy while playing around in a pool with her children. [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga's manager says that she uses men like candy — she peels off the wrapper and just chews them up! No word from the manager if she uses her poon or peen or both to do so. [Sun]
  
  
• Colin Farrell actually met the one female fan that he won't sleep with when some crazy lady jumped into a car he was driving while filming a movie scene. He reportedly began screaming like someone was trying to kill him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is playing sports in a bikini again, this time it's tennis, and she's wearing wedge heels to increase the degree of difficulty. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Hugh Grant is once again talking about his possibly retiring from acting because he says he's been freezing up more and more on camera. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Special Topics In Calamity Physics author Marisha Pessl is divorcing her hedge-fund manager husband. [Page Six]

As much as this plays into the Megan Fox as ultimate object of masculine desire cliche (which is just boring at this point), it's a relief to see poor Seth Rogen getting to talk about something different at this stop on his (and Sandler, Mann, and Apatow's) seemingly never ending Funny People tour. And, actually, it contains an infinitesemally revealing fact about Megan Fox: she was so nervous before the first show that she stopped by Seth's dressing room to ask him to stay and help her be funnier. If Megan Fox is the current blank screen onto which we project our ideas about ultimate femininity, the fact that she did that adds one little tiny pixel of coolness to that screen. I can't imagine a lot of actresses doing that, or even knowing who Seth Rogen was at that pre-Knocked Up point in time. And, bonus: next time Megan Fox is on Kimmel, she'll have something to talk about besides her tattoos.

• Rumors are swirling that the fairy tale love affair between Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds might be coming to an end. There have been numerous reports of ugly public spats between the two of late and now it appears as though a recent fight just prior to Comic-Con caused Reynolds to cancel his appearance because he didn't want to be around his delicious wife. Scarlett reportedly got so mad that she ripped off her wedding ring and threw it at him or something. And now the producers of Green Latern are pissed at Reynolds for canceling the promotional appearance over a fight with his wife. Now, I don't usually give two shits about celebrity breakups, but these two potentially breaking up makes me kind of sad, which is sad in and of itself I guess. [Update: Reynolds' reps at 42 West contacted us and say this tale, first reported by FoxNews.com, and say that he was never going to go to Comic-Con so there was no appearance to cancel: "The story you have posted about Ryan Reynolds is completely untrue. Warner Brothers never planned to have Green Lantern as part of their panel at this year's Comic Con and Ryan is in Europe shooting a film."] [Fresh News]
  
  
• Why are the men of America shunning America's deformed-thumbed walking Halloween costume, Megan Fox? According to a few men's magazines (probably staffed by gay males), the mens are tired of the Megan Foxes. Personally, I'm torn on Megan Fox. I go back and forth a lot, but after seeing her humble, witty, self-depreciating appearance on Letterman a couple of weeks ago, I want to cuddle with her and eat blueberries and watch Silver Spoon reruns on TV Land. Just saying. [Daily News and Asylum]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli is getting over Leo DiCaprio by boning a "Brazilian playboy" named Ricardo. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• The ridiculously beautiful Kate Beckinsale celebrated her 36th birthday out on the town in LA with Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham. [Sun]
  
  
• Marilyn Manson has had enough of scumbag journalists saying bad things about him and he took to his Myspace page to issue a threat to all of them—If they write anything bad about him, Marilyn will eat their hearts in a teriyaki stir fry. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jay-Z got a huge book deal to write a tell-all autobiography and detail his past drug-dealing and womanizing and all that kind of stuff. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kid Rock is not a fan of Twitter. When asked what he thought about it he replied, "It's gay." Yep, Kid Rock is right again, and yes, I do have a Twitter account, so I can say that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Paris Hilton is all broken up about the sex tape that made her dumb ass one of the most famous people in the world. She claims that she was betrayed and blah, blah, blah, but I think she was in on it. I could be wrong. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Chabon is taking time off from writing books to launch an anti-circumcision campaign or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was all smiles as she returned back to work yesterday after a stint in a psychiatric ward. [Daily Mail]

• Orlando Bloom, who isn't exactly Hollywood's most in-demand actor at the moment, has turned down the opportunity to reprise his role as Will Turner because he's head-over-heels in love with his girlfriend, Miranda Kerr. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Megan Fox says that playing a classmate-eating high school zombie in Diablo Cody's new flick, Jennifer's Body, was damn sexy. Megan Fox just thinks everything she does is sexy, and sadly, she's probably right. [Sun]
  
  
• Tara Reid has overcome numerous botched plastic surgeries to emerge as some sort of deformed stick figure. But hey, at least she's still getting noticed by the tabloids! [Sun]
  
  
• Susie Essman, when she's not hilariously cursing people out like she does Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm, dates losers. At least she used to, according to her new book. [Daily News]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin is a big spender. He paid $950 for a pair of wingtips in the Hamptons over the weekend, shoes he probably wore to kick some skank to the curb, because that's what Jon Gosselin does. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is claiming that Michael Jackson named his daughter Paris after her, hoping that she'd be the same type of little snow angel that Paris is whenever she grows up. [Sun]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere was lauded by PETA recently for throwing a fit on a film set when a leaf-blower was used to clear a flock of birds from a tree. [Page Six]
  
  
• Blake Fielder-Civil, Amy Winehouse's ex-husband, says that she almost died in his arms after going on a three day binge on heroine and crack. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Here's a new and innovative way to pick up girls in clubs compliments of Adrian Grenier—line up a bunch of tequila shots on the bar and pass them out to willing females. Amazing. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sienna Miller is not happy with the look of a doll made in her likeness in conjunction with the new G.I. Joe movie. She says that the doll squints too much. [Mirror]

Well, it wouldn't be the same without them. Here are some of our favorite pictures from the first two days. Strangely, most of them are of women. Like everyone else, the photographer is probably too scared of girls to actually talk to them, so he just snaps away.

Publicity shy Tinkerbell hides from the paparazzi.
Just because you have a Darth Vader helmet on does not mean you're wearing a costume.
"Hi, this is Dick Cavett under here. Have you seen my friend, Darth Vader?"
Captain Transamerica.
Perez Hilton makes a killer Green Lantern.
Not a librarian costume, a real librarian.
John Cho immediately after placing index finger to temple and cocking thumb.
"Listen, I thought I wouldn't have to bring this up after last year's debacle, but I repeat: Section 498 of the guidelines of the Pretend Princess Leia Federation states that you must be under 217 pounds to wear the gold bikini costume. Thank you."
The front row of the Robert Pattinson panel.
"Then I got up on and served Peter Jackson and James Cameron water. It was freaking suh-weet!"
Apparently Halloween isn't the only occasion for slutty cheerleader uniforms anymore.
Attack of the 50-foot Megan Fox.
Mommy, help!
Sadly, we know who she's dressed up as. And she did a killer job.
Millions of fanboys left in a huff when they learned that the Cameron Diaz panel about The Box had no mention of, well, you know...
Former East German swimmer and Olympic gold medal winner Helga Auchtenfluz came as the Hulk.
If she can read our mind she'd hear us thinking, "Spandex? Really?"
Isn't that a Vulcan symbol? Where's your authenticity?
Pretty girl uglies herself up so someone will actually talk to her at Comic-con.
Fired from his job fighting litter, Paper Iron Man got a job as a holiday gift wrapper at Macy's.
No, not Dora the Explorer. Just some kid.
The Ice King goes in search of his bride, Anna Wintour.

• Jon Gosselin, sigh, is now vehemently denying any kind of romance with Star Reporter Kate Major, and has now become part of a gossip cycle where everyone - including yours truly - is being played by some guy who helped a lady pop out eight kids and a Star reporter. Apparently he told somebody at Zombie Radar: "Oh my God, I can't believe she did this to me...What do I do? She's totally [expletive] me over!" Well, the first thing you should do is stop talking to people at Zombie Radar. If it's advice you're after, you should ask someone from Radar 3.0. They'd know what to do. The second thing you should do: have a vasectomy. Make sure you can never, ever procreate again. It's just a bad idea. The next thing you should do is burn any clothing you've purchased over the last few months. Then you should tell Kate Major to go away. Sell the place you just bought in New York, and move back to Pennsylvania. Get a place nearby (it can even be your "gangsta-ass pimp pad" or whatever, if that's really what you need) so your wife - ravenous with power over your guys' eight little moneymakers - can not raise eight human beings whose sole reason for existence is to talk about what a fuckhead they think you are, because if you leave her to her own device, that's exactly what she's going to do. She will raise eight people who will inevitably hate you, only kind of hate her, and be way more like her than you. And if the world goes to war with each other and everyone has to take a side, you'll be lucky if they don't bayonet you. And that's what you get for hanging out with a Star reporter. She's saying that you guys are bumping uglies and you're surprised?! Jon Gosselin, sigh. [NYDN and NYDN]
  
  
• Oh, and he wants his own reality show. Seperate from Kate and the kids. Please give me your tenative titles in the comments, I'll be busy having an ulcer. [E!]
  
  
• Speaking of terrible parents churning out children for the sole reason of creating a profitable enterprise, Octomom - who should be the next Spider Man villain on name alone, and I can't be the first one to think of this: she throws her children at you and they beg you to take them away, she's powered by Zombie Radar and her Achilles Heel is the sad apathy of the world which isn't so much sad as it is generally fair - just signed her kids into a labor agreement. Each kid gets $250/day, and she's looking at around $250,000 over three years, and the other six kids...don't get nothin'. Yeah: so eight of her kids are getting paid for the reality show, the other six get bupkes. Which won't create any kind of inferiority complex. At all. [NYDN]
  
  
• When you think "Lindsay Lohan" and "shakes," you probably think of a reaction involving sniffable drugs, particularly, imported South American Class A narcotics that fall under the "stimulants" family (Anexcitablefamilyforsure!). Well, in this instance, you'd be wrong: she's getting an ice cream shake named after her! She showed up at the same L.A. shop that Kim Kardashian and Heidi Montag got shakes named after them at 1:30 A.M. to promote her new shake. It's a mix of Vanilla Ice Cream, Chocolate Swirls, and Oreo Cookie, which is essentially an Oreo Blizzard. Then again, the results probably more than resemble a common reaction after a long night of blow, ew, so maybe you were right the first time. Mind: out of gutter, into toilet. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Newsflash: Jessica Biel spends lots of time in the gym. [ShowbizSpy]
  
  
• Walking slutty Halloween costume Megan Fox thinks she looks hot. There should be a national referendum on this: Can you get past Megan Fox's freaky thumbs to think she's hot? I'd vote "Yes," but only because I have a thing for freaky appendages, specifically thumbs. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kelis thinks her new son is perfect. Well, yes. For one thing, there's only one of them. For another, he's GOD'S SON'S SON, SON. [US Weekly]
  
  
• So, Gwyneth Paltrow, who took a road trip across Spain with Mario Batali and Mark Bittman but wouldn't eat anything but fish on the trip - seriously - yesterday showed her GOOP readers how to cook chicken. Some Daily News writer did a helpful play-by-play of the video, which includes quotes like this: "I feel inspired to cook all the time...It's sort of what I lie in bed and think about at night which is maybe a problem." On the one hand, yes. On the other hand, your mans is Chris Martin, and he's busy mourning his career before it's already over and walking around looking all sad in a cape. Marital bliss: a wonderful thing. Hopefully your recipes don't call for any apples and you end up accidentally cooking your ridiculously-named child. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• The L.A. coroner's office is being investigated for leaking details of Michael Jackson's death to the press for cash. Meanwhile, it occurs to me that this would've made for a great episode of Six Feet Under. [AP via NYDN]
  
  
• Jude Law hit a female paparazzo (paparazza?) in the face and thinks it's funny. Jude Law: dick! [PITNB]
  
  
• Joe Francis is awesome at being Professionally Sleazy: he bought off guards in jail at Reno by having his homeboy drop off Cartier watches, gift cards to Saks Fifth Avenue, and, uh, a big screen TV? Anyway, the cops just got busted, and Joe Francis is somewhere getting some girl who turned 18 yesterday to take her top off for a hat. [TMZ]
  
  
• LeAnn Rimes is learning how to live without her husband, because they've been living in separate digs for a while. More interesting than this is the fact that People thought this item was worth picking up, on, and also, remember, like, twelve years ago? [People]
  
  
• Ha, Katrina Bowden from 30 Rock doesn't really care for Robert Pattinson. [People]
  
  
• Ashton Koosher says Meesha Barton's "doing great." Take it from him. Honestly, he probably doesn't know the first thing about doing drugs, because WHO WOULD WANT TO DO BLOW WITH ASHTON KOOSHER? Just sayin. [Reuters]