In your willful Wednesday media column: Meghan McCain is the queen of all media, BusinessWeek's sale grinds on, Lou Dobbs catches a boycott, and you can finally find political opinions, on the internet.

Ted Kennedy's funeral is underway, and so is the full court press barrage of media. Obama's delivering his remarks now. What do attendees, Twitter, Free Republic, and others have to say?

Setting an example for children of royalty, everywhere, Megan McCain wants people to know that the help should stick to being the help after explaining what depths Joe The Plumber should intellectually excavate next. Hint: It's near his plumber's crack.

Meghan McCain demands the "really hot" Hillary Duff to play her in the movie about her life, Lindsay Lohan is paid big bucks to party, Farrah is laid to rest, Michael Jackson's photographer speaks and Courtney Love suffers from malnutrition.

• Lindsay Lohan will officially celebrate her birthday tomorrow. But it looks like she'll have some extra spending money in her pocket if she decides to buy herself a present. Lohan collected $70,000 to appear at an all-day birthday party in her honor at the MGM Grand last Saturday. [P6]
• A semi-private funeral was…

Stephen Colbert welcomed Meghan McCain onto his show last night, where she refused to lick his face, talked endlessly about how much she loves fucking, and refused to discuss anything about Sarah Palin.

Don't take an iPhone to a movie screening, don't Twitter when you should be making coffee, don't buy a 2002 Honda, and don't be Meghan McCain. This and more we learned from Twitter today!

• Brooke Shields can't seem to make up her mind about who's to blame for the Kiefer Sutherland-Jack McCollough incident last week. A few days ago, her reps denied she'd been pushed by Jack. But now she says he did bump into her, and that Kiefer "has always been a gentleman" with her. Go figure. [TMZ, NYDN]
• Madonna…

• Stephanie Seymour and Peter Brant will meet in Greenwich divorce court for the first time today. Expect some fireworks: Brant has already filed a motion demanding Seymour "undergo drug and alcohol testing"; for her part, Seymour is accusing Brant of "hostile, threatening and intimidating behavior." [NYP]
• Now…

Meghan McCain and Luke Russert act like bratty kids, Jimmy Fallon gets his college diploma, Lily Allen gets herself banned from the BBC for "using rude words," and Ryan O'Neal allegedly phone-sexes while Farrah dies.

Meghan McCain breaking news: "The first time I ever heard about oral sex was during the Lewinsky scandal." Hah, dad really didn't spend much time at home with the kids, right?

So Meghan McCain, Suze Orman, and Bonnie Fuller walk into a bar ... no, we don't know the punchline either, but we suspect the real joke is that they're all on Twitter. Today's meetest tweets:

Someone made a mean comment about Meghan McCain, saying (accurately) that she has never accomplished anything. She got mad and posted an expletive-ridden and atrociously spelled—and wrong!—resume on Twitter.

Oh, Meghan. We're very proud of you for having the courage to speak before the Log Cabin Republicans, as a woman running for pundit.

Good news, gays: David Paterson and Meghan McCain want you to have the right to marry! So any day now, you can look forward to equality.

So are publishing houses sensibly dealing with their beleaguered state by paying modest advances to talented, seasoned authors, rather than throwing huge sums of money at writing neophytes with famous last names in the (likely vain) hope that the ensuing cheap publicity will render whatever crap is stuck between the…