Suddenly the Universe is a very cold and empty place.

• Apparently we are not a nation of people waiting for Amanda Woodward to return to Melrose Place. Heather Locklear's trip back to the series did little to ease its struggles, lifting its gruesome ratings by a mere 15 percent to a 0.8 rating in the 18 - 45 demo. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Meanwhile, just as the world was sending its mocking obituaries to the printers, guess who's having a good week? Jay Leno is up five percent this week, "matching its highest ratings in six weeks." [Hollywood Reporter]

• With two and a half months to go, the Super Bowl's ad space is almost sold out. CBS reports a 90 percent sell-out rate thus far, meaning only six slots are still available. Like everything else these days, Super Bowl ad sales are being viewed as a barometer of the nation's economic health. [Ad Age]

• A Writers Guild report of diversity among its ranks finds "little if any improvement" for the prospects of women and minority writers. Variety writes that the report "found that women scribes remain stuck at 28% of TV employment and 18% in features while the minority share has been frozen at 6% since 1999." [Variety]

• Jennifer Hudson will play Winnie Mandela, the ex-wife of the ex-South African President Nelson Mandela in Winnie, a biopic to be directed by Darrell J. Roodt, maker of Cry the Beloved Country. [Variety]

• Roger Ebert may be off the airwaves, but his influence lives on, remarkably, as the online buzz king. A survey by Nielsen of which critics dominate the internet reveals that Ebert remains a goliath online, crushing all the competition combined. [thehotblog]

• Making 2012's grosses look like the change fallen under the cushions of your sofa, the video game Call of Duty : Modern Warfare 2 reported sales of more than $550 million in the first week of its release. The LA Times puts production costs on the game in the $40 - $50 million range (a fraction of 2012 or Avatar), putting its total budget including marketing somewhere around $200 million. Who's in the wrong business now, movie people? [LA Times]

• Lovely Bones director Peter Jackson told a reporter that, despite his PG-13 rating he had upped the violence in his upcoming film after early test screening audiences "were simply not satisfied" with the depiction of a character's death. [Hitfix]

• Nikki Finke reports that investor Carl Icahn has been snatching up MGM bonds like "A bat out of hell." [Deadline]

• The LA Times reports further on Disney's heroic decision to pull the plug on McG's attempt to America's memories of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea with his remake. The paper writes that execs saw the project, scripted by novelist Michael Chabon as "too dark" and that they will take another stab at it somewhere down the line. [LA Times]

• Shauna Sand, the scariest face in adult entertainment, penned an impassioned missive to Carrie Prejean describing her own odyssey from unwitting sex tape participant to Vivid-Celeb star: "Instead of spending thousands of dollars in legal fees... I could actually turn things around." Like Carrie, Shauna "not only starred in, but also directed and added the music to" her sex tape. I'm pretty sure Vivid chair Steve Hirsch forced Shauna to do this. Alternately, it finally dawned on Shauna that she might get a late-breaking burst of attention. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Unfortunately for Shauna and Vivid, Carrie is sick and tired of this game. No means no, you meanie heathens. Prejean's lawyer sent a letter to Vivid charging that "your company has apparently told the media that it plans to publish the videotapes and/or photographs of my client with or without her permission." Which, to be fair, is a pretty ominous thing to have hanging over your head. [TMZ]
• 
  
• 50 Cent had his arm tattoos removed. "I've been on a few acting projects and they been making me get up... My call time is four hours before the regular acting talent because of the tattoos." Now that he's starring opposite Nicolas Cage in a boxing flick, the early morning annoyance to insane laser removal pain ratio has finally reached its tipping point. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Bijou Phillips' incest-y movie is totally embarrassing now that Mackenzie's incest book is out. Bijou is freaked out about the Dec. 1 premiere of Made for Each Other, where she will have sex scenes with Chris Masterson, who is the brother of her real-life husband Danny, who is also in the movie. OK, Mackenzie's bombshell obviously makes this a lot worse, but I'd venture to say it was kind of icky before that, too. [P6]
• 
  
• "Battle of Anchors at ABC"! Charlie Gibson hates Diane Sawyer and is begging for George Stephanopoulos to be his successor on Sunday morning's This Week ABC Evening News, mostly to infuriate the guys who type in the names that go on the bottom of the screen. [P6]
• 
  
• J.Lo's ex—the one trying to sell her sex tapes—says Jenny from the Block is stalking him. Says his business manager: "She's having him followed." Says his lawyer: "He's had death threats." Now, shadowy detectives I was willing to believe, but once they threw death threats in, I knew it was a lie. J.Lo is many things, but she is not sloppy. [P6]
• 
  
• Alleged Cindy Crawford blackmailer surrenders! Edis Kayalar, the male model accused of demanding $100,000 in exchange for "sexy" S&M photos of Crawford's 8-year-old daughter, has turned himself in to German authorities. Now he must wait around while L.A. County figures out what to do with the alleged horrifying creep. [People]
• 
  
• New Moon star and werewolf-portrayer Kellan Lutz got bounced from his own movie's after party. Apparently the security guards didn't know who he was and "it looked like things were getting physical between then," at which point Lutz sprouted fur from his back and claws from his hands, ripped the velvet rope to shreds, and proceeded in. [P6]
• 
  
• The police chief accused of breaking into Sarah Jessica Parker's surrogate's home stole ultrasounds and a plaster cast of the mom's belly, a paparazzo testified in open court. Allegedly, the accused was a total hardball, demanding $1000 for the surrogate's name and address, and gearing up for a serious haggle for the tummy mould. Cindy Crawford's blackmailer should take note: This is how the professional sleazebags roll. [AP]
• 
  
• Heather Locklear is "acting like a prima donna" on the Melrose Place set because she is "insecure and on edge." Also, now that A.Simps is gone, she's the most famous one there, so it's sort of her right, you know? [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  

  Correction: Stephanopoulos hosts This Week, the promotion Gibson allegedly wants him to get is to anchor the evening news. Apologies.

We looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and saw the future of the show. Here it goes:

• Violent is the killer and she kills Auggie, because they're both off the show. We didn't even need our crystal ball for that one.
• Lauren is going to get caught being a giant hooker and Ella is going to have to save her. She's going to have to choose between helping out her roommate and boning Jonah, and she will choose to save Lauren, and then will hire both her and cash-strapped Jonah for a three way. But then she will dump Jonah for the hot doctor played by Nick Zano. They will have an on-again-off again relationship until they fake their deaths and run off together again, because she is the new Amanda and he will be the new Peter. Lauren is the new Jo, so she will be boring until her contract is up and she leaves the show.
• Riley and Jonah will break up, of course, and they will continue to make really bad dating decisions, but will still live in the same apartment building and will enable each other's bad choices. They are the new Billy and Allison. That means that Riley will hate Ella for taking Jonah and will get a job at the PR firm to make her life hell. PR is pretty much exactly like teaching first grade, so she will be great.
• David will not go to jail for being a horrible thief and even worse bloody knife hider, but he will live in a halfway house right next door to Michael Mancini. He will cut his hedges over the fence everyday until Michael realizes that he loves his kid. He will bring cookies to the halfway house and they will stay up late looking at old pictures and sharing stories about how great his mother is. Then David will suddenly turn violently ill and die. Michael poisoned him, because he does not enjoy the tingling sensation of love.
• The steam will float of the pool like fog off a primordial bog as the tiles of the patio start to shiver like orphans left out in the cold. As the building quakes, the balcony is the first thing to go, caving in on the courtyard, crushing Violent and Auggie, their limbs splayed about like spilled Twizzlers. An inhuman cry tears through the eardrums of all that remain, sending blood down their heads, and they grab their ears, stumbling about trying to keep from falling to their knees as they look up in horror at a sight that is giant, green, and massive: Dinosaur Amanda!

• Did you hear? Did you hear? Ashlee Simpson got fired! A mere two months into Melrose Place's run, she and Colin Egglesfield have been let go, merely as a function of the plot, you see, it has nothing to do with their acting abilities or Ashlee being too big a star for the CW. The show's producer told Entertainment Weekly that, since they finally got ol' Ashlee out of the way, the show start being "fun, romantic, [and] sexy." Yes, that quote is out of context. [EW]
• Madonna's pulling an Oprah, with plans to build a $15 million all-girls school in Malawi. Hopefully Madge's will have fewer sex scandals. Is it inappropriate to now note how cute Lourdes looks in the pic NYDN accompanies the article? Because really, adorable. [Page 6]
• Three more alleged Lohan/Patridge burglars have been unmasked. They're all teenagers, and one is under investigation for swiping $2 million in jewelry from Paris Hilton's house. Kids these days! So greedy, so cunning, so frighteningly well-connected. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan's ban from Avenue has been lifted, a great relief to proponents of LiLo debauchery and/or self-destruction. The ban started when Lindsay tweeted about Justin Timberlake macking on some chick who wasn't his girlfriend, which is verboten because what happens at Avenue stays at Avenue, see? Ever the self-starter, Lindsay "besieged" Avenue with requests to be let back into its gilded inner-circle. They relented, and she went twice last week. [Page 6]
• Gerard Butler is maybe-dating Jessica Simpson. Gerard Butler was seen at Waverly Inn with "a sexy blonde with an unidentified accent." Gerard Butler recently said he's into threesomes, so maybe...??? [3AM] [Page 6]
• Jamie Foxx drove Gerard Butler "crazy" because he followed him around his dressing room on the set of Law Abiding Citizen. Gerard Butler recently said he's into threesomes, so maybe...??? [Show Biz Spy]
• New Moon star Taylor Lautner discusses, yet again, how ripped he got for his werewolf role, which requires him to cavort on screen without his shirt a bunch. He says he'd like to be known for his acting some day, too. [Show Biz Spy]

Really, Jo's return was pretty lame. When are they going to start realizing this is the old folk's home, and that they should give them a good housewarming!

Using the info from last night's episode and a glimpse into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) we were able to determine how all the story lines were going to pan out in the future.

• Jonah bones Kendra, the sharpened pencil face "development executive" who works at Paramount and grew up in the same town as him and loves his movie just the way it is. She wants to shield him from Hollywood and let him be a real artist, just like her ex-boyfriend Hippity Hipster who is the hippest director in all of hipland. Well, Kendra takes Jonah to a snazzy party where Hippity finds him and says, "Hey, Jonah, just trying to do you a solid, take a look at her yearbook photos." So he goes back to their old high school and he can't find her in the yearbook. He flips through it several times, and finally gives up. Then, in the middle of the night, it dawns on him. He goes back to the book and there she is, but her name is Ken! Your new girlfriend is a tranny, Jonah! That explains her boobs and that pencil face. After that, Jonah realizes that he's gay and leaves her to make sweet love to Hippity Hipster in the coolest loft in Williamsburg.
• Doggy Riley gets pissed that Jonah is having sex with a tranny, so she goes down to Guatemala to find Jo and the two become fast friends. That is, until she finds out that Doggy Auggie has had a relapse, but it's not the booze this time, it's heroin. He has pawned his motorbike and his surfboard to pay for the drugs and lost his job at Coal, so he gets a job at Kohls, which he loses too. Then he becomes a hustler. She leaves Jo in Latin America, but Jane, who is supposedly the landlord, but has been locked in a closet for three episodes, goes down there to take her place. Riley goes back and rescues Auggie and tells him that she will love him if he enters rehab. He does and gets clean. The he tells her what happened to Violent.
• When Riley leaves, Auggie is so sad that he starts drinking again. Violent starts to give him heroin so that he'll become addicted and have to go to her every time he scores a fix. When she finds out that heroin causes impotence, she can't get what she wants and tries to cut the drug with Viagra. Mixing the two together is a difficult chemical process, and while doing it in the basement of Melrose, there is an explosion and Violent blows her head off. Luckily, Dr. Mancini has been perfecting a way to turn bodies into automatons of evil. Auggie thinks he is saving her and gives Michael the body, but he just adds her to his cyborg army of death. To stop her, they exhume the body of Kimberly, send it into the future, where it is reanimated using the powers of good and then she leaps back to the past to kill evil robot Violent. After she does, she gives Riley a magic amulet and tells her never to press the button, which she does at once. What strange creature will it conjure up?
• Ella goes on trial for that orange outfit she wore last night. Really? A giant orange hat? And scarf? And a twisty tie belt thing? And cowboy boots? Who is doing the wardrobe for this show? The same people that do Gossip Girl?
• Lauren turns in David for being an art thief. He turns her in for being a hooker. They both get sent to jail. In a unique experiment, they are put in the country's first unisex prison where they have to join forces to defend themselves from an army of rabid Aryan gang members. Then they fall in love. Before going in, David had the plans for the prison tattooed on his body, so with that and his limited knowledge of lock picking, they manage to escape with some guy named Teabag. Once on the outside, they discover that Teabag is really Glenn Beck who was thrown into prison after being convicted of being a jerk. Finally, there is a law against that.
• The camera sweeps up the front entrance to Melrose Place and past the pool. It focuses on the flowers in the little poolside garden. One of them trembles, like a Tyrannosaurus is walking in the distance. Then more start to quake and quiver, like the beast is approaching. But then the earth starts to move, coming up from below. Suddenly a single manicured hand pops through the top soil and we see the back of a blond body rising out from the flower bed wearing a maroon mini dress. She shakes the soil from her hair and brushes it from her dress. She says, "Finally, someone used that god damned amulet!" and the camera twists around and she is finally revealed: Zombie Amanda!

We have looked into our Melrose Place Crystal Ball (patent pending) and, based on last night's activity, we have seen the future of all the character's lives.

• After her national campaign for Real People Jeans, Dog-named Riley becomes a world famous model. Well, not a real world famous model, because she's too short, but television's version of a world-famous model where she makes tons and tons of money and doesn't do very much. She leaves Jonah behind for a world-famous fashion photographer named Benson Benson. Then, one day, he is shooting her for a perfume ad in a giant mansion and the shoot is being catered by Doggie Auggie, who started a catering company just for this one single shoot. In a coke-feuled fit, Benson Benson lashes out and slaps Riley in the face because she refuses to pose topless. She runs down in the kitchen, crying, mascara streaming down her face, when Doggie Auggie finds her. He rushes up stairs, grunts a few simple grunts and socks Benson Benson. He shouts, "No one hits Benson Benson and gets away with it!" and Doggie Auggie goes downstairs and whisks up Riley and takes her home and does her doggy style. That is the end of her modeling career and she goes back to teaching first grade.
• Lauren's pimp, Kimber, starts get even more demanding and crazy. She sends Lauren out on a "date" with a very, very sexy lady, Evelyn, but Lauren is all, "I've never done it with a lady before" and Evelyn says, "I know, that's why I asked for you." And they kiss and the seven hundred straight men flipping by the CW when it happens drop their remotes and tune in to the entire episode, and Melrose gets its first straight fans ever. Very rich Evelyn promises that she will pay for med school if Lauren quits being a hooker and is her girlfriend. She agrees, but then Kimber comes after them with a switchblade. We would tell you what happens, but we don't want to ruin the season one cliffhanger.
• Violent continues to harass Michael because she thinks that he is the reason why her "mother" Sydney is dead. She uses the tape of the two of them together to get him to buy her all sorts of things and take her out and treat her nice. Somewhere between half-price taco night at Chili's and a ride on the Santa Monica ferris wheel, Michael realizes that he's only happy with a partner as crazy as he is and develops a sort of Stockholm syndrome where he falls in love with Violent. When she sees Doggie Auggie doing it with Riley, she realizes that she never loved him in a first place and that she's fallen in love with Michael. They are on their way to their shotgun wedding and as Violent goes to leave, crazy aunt Jane leaps out of the closet and jumps on her back. Everyone forgot the landlord was there, but she is so jealous that another red head has won Michael's heart that she strangles Violent with one of her couture gowns. She dies.
• Ella will do something other than throw shade and make bitchy quips. Her future is still uncertain.
• A beautiful blond stranger's high heels will go clickety-clack, clickety clack through the courtyard, but we will only see a backlit shadow as it approaches the camera. She is wearing a stunning, form-fitting turquoise minidress as she makes a lap around the pool, whimsically running her finger along the banister. We never see her face, as the camera closes up right behind her right shoulder. David rushes down the stairs to ask who this beautiful stranger is and she grabs him by both arms and pulls him in for a passionate kiss. He kisses her back, placing his arm around her waist. She moves down to his neck as his head falls back in ecstasy. Suddenly, he tenses up, we see him start to go pale, as she sucks the life force right out of him through his neck. He spasms suddenly a few times, and then she tosses his lifeless body to the side, wiping the gore from her face with her forearm but never mussing her lipstick. And she has returned: Vampire Amanda!

So the big event is that Baby Jane Andrews is back, with longer hair and a worse attitude. Now, the big question is, was Josie Bissett always a really horrible actress, but we were too young and naive to notice, or have her acting muscles atrophied to the point where she is almost an embarrassment to the franchise. And wasn't Jane the sweet yin to Sydney's evil yang? Well, not anymore, because she shows up and before she can even say hello she is blackmailing some bitches. Her first target is Ella, because Jane wants to get one of her dresses on some fictitious star. What, was Taryn Manning busy this week and they had to just start making up D list celebrities? Ella agrees because she doesn't want to be a suspect in Sydney's murder because she wrote some nasty emails. If mean emails to a former friend are enough to get the cops interested in you, then there would be a cruiser permanently parked outside my front door. Ah, dreams.

Well, Jane's dream is ruined, mostly because she's a shitty designer. Really? Who does the wardrobe on the show? Couldn't they have found something that looked a little bit more sophisticated than the Little Miss Ruffles Junior Prom Collection gown that Jane tried to pass off as couture. But, we never saw the real deal frock after the star changed out of the Designer Imposter Body Spray version in the limo. David tried to stop Jane from ratting on Ella by using some info from his magic stolen computer files to scare Jane. Something having to do with burning down her boutique and ruining all her designs to collect the insurance money. This can't possibly be true. A group of villagers with pitchforks and torches came and burnt the place down because they were scared of the fashion monstrosities that she would continue to churn out. For this, David was allowed to join the exclusive club of people who have fucked Ella. Then Ella dumped him. So, true to her word and undeterred by David's scare tactics, Jane ratted Ella out. We have a feeling that she is going to turn the pigs that come calling into bacon.

The real fun started though during the great bad acting stand off between Josie Bissett and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. It was like a "Who Wore It Better" column in Us Weekly except they were both wearing strange facial expressions and there was no clear winner. However, if we have to see them in scenes all the time the loser is going to be us—weekly. So, Violet, who is acting more and more like an autistic contestant on America's Next Top Psycho each week runs from the cops when they show up and goes to find refuge in Jane's shop, where she apparently has not paid the electric bill and is operating one light bulb hanging from the ceiling on a generator that runs on the untapped sexual heat of Amanda Woodward. It is a renewable energy source that deserves more research. So, after Violet tells Jane that she is her aunt, Jane repays her by turning her in. Cold! We love it.

But just as we were warming to Jane's tactics we were hit with a chilling realization: why couldn't they have killed Jane and had Sydney sweep in to fuck shit up? We didn't even get a flashback of our auburn savior last night, and we are still in mourning.

So Violet gets thrown in the slammer, and we don't think it's going to be her last time there. So she calls everyone and they all ignore her, everyone except for Riley who must teach kindergarten special ed, because she has a soft spot for Violet and goes to bail her out of jail. And just when she was helping Jonah—who is a wet noodle in social situations, but is one seriously hot piece of meat when lounging in the pool—make some social connections at the fancy Hollywood premiere. The countdown to their breakup is ticking and each week the sound of the clock gets more and more interminable.

David continues to be the world's more boring thief, and for some reason he decided that being a waiter for Doggie Auggie would help him. Also, he is being stalked by the Yakuza, who is as bad at being a follow as David is at being a cater waiter/thief. David beats him up in the restaurant and seriously fucks up Doggie Auggie's job. Aw, sad doggie.

Lauren was also sad, because she had to have sex for free! Don't give that milk away for free, lady! We like Lauren way more when she's being a whore than when she's being an earnest medical student. Anyway, her old john set up a date and had her waiting around the hotel bar. When his flight was delayed he canceled and she picked up a rather handsome replacement. If we lived in Melrose land, we would be a hooker, because in their version of the universe, they get paid to have sex with total fucking hotties.

Also a hottie is Kimber Henry, a former porn star and meth addict who is now working as a madam in a hotel lobby. This is like the brothel equivalent of having one of those little carts in the mall where you sell Sham-Wows or hats that are embroidered right before your very eyes. Still, Kimber is fierce and after Lauren gets the crap beat out of her by the latest stud, she decides to join her army of itinerant mall cart sex workers.

Melrose Place Crystal Ball:

• Kimber is going to introduce Lauren to Dr. Christian Troy who will take a great interest in little Miss Lauren. She will tell him what she doesn't like about herself and decide to become a plastic surgeon before getting knocked up with his baby. It will be born with a horrible birth defect that Dr. Troy and his partner Dr. Sean McNamara try to cure but can't. The child dies in surgery. Troy is so inconsolable, he moves back to Miami.
• Violent will kidnap Riley and scalp her and go back to the apartment complex wearing her new Riley wig. Jonah will be fooled by the illusion and will sleep with her, getting her pregnant. Lauren will then steal the baby to make herself feel better for losing her own child in surgery. Then that baby will die, because children are not allowed on Melrose.
• Doggie Auggie will quit his job and decide that he will be better working at a hot dog cart. While working there, he will meet Caesar Milan, who will hold some sort of strange sway over the hot dog cart owner, and he will convince him to be his very own shirtless pool boy. Finally, Doggie Auggie has found his calling.
• The cops are going to come for Ella and she will offer to give them hand jobs to escape. They are both gay and tell her that if she can arrange an intimate rendezvous with her hot gay boss, then they will forget all about her being a murder suspect. Ella tries very hard to make this happen, but her boss won't do it, because he is so hot that he only pays for sex. Ella goes to jail, where her bisexuality comes in very handy. She takes over the prison using her scheming ways, and breaks out, taking refuge in Caesar Milan's pool house.
• Ella gave David herpes.

Unfortunately Ashlee Simpson-Wentz hiding her horrible acting skills in Sydney's closet was the best moment of the episode, and that was 10 minutes in. It was a transformative evening for our dear Violet who got just a little bit closer to getting that N in her name that will turn her violent. First we saw her hiding in her momma Sydney's closet trying on her clothes. Yes, it was contrived, but it managed to achieve the desired level of creepiness. Too bad the dress she picked—the dress Syd wore the first time the the two crossed paths—wasn't even Sydney's. It was so heinous and outdated that we think that Alison left it in the closet when she moved to Atlanta, and Sydney just started wearing it because she was poor and just got out of prison and had nothing else to wear. So, ha, Violet, you're really wearing stupid Allison's dress. We hope you catch temporary blindness from her decade-old cooties.

Doggie Auggie isn't that impressed by the dress either, nor Violet's rather expensive gift of $200 sunglasses. He says they're too expensive and can't take them, she says that he's dreamy and it's no big deal. What she didn't say was that they were knockoffs that she picked up on the street in Venice before going into work at Coal—the restaurant that has an open kitchen so all the diners can see random people wandering in and distracting the chefs while they cook and probably getting hair and nasty shit all up in their food.

But Doggie Auggie wasn't as pissed off when his dog park girlfriend Riley showed up to ask for a simple recipe. He tells her to make some Filet Mignon bullshit, because a girl who can barely muster Mac 'N' Cheeze from a box can just do wonders to an expensive steak. Brilliant. At least he didn't tell her to make a scallop ceviche. That's what he would have done if he was a contestant on Top Chef. Actually, that would be a good place for D.A. At least it would get him out of that stupid red chef's jacked they force him to wear at Coal.

So, Riley the Comic Insult to Our Intelligence Dog, had to make a fancy dinner for the dreamy Jonah because she pissed him off. No, it wasn't for not telling anyone they were engaged. No, it wasn't even for making sweet puppy love (really, just kisses) with Auggie. And it wasn't even for turning on the cold water in the sink while he was in the shower. Hold on, we need to spend a moment on the last point. This joke needs to be eliminated from the Uninventive Writer's Handbook as something that happens in the real world, along with people overhearing messages left on answering machines, characters using typewriters, and a man running alongside a train to try to catch the women while she waves her handkerchief out the window. This source of a million television jokes no longer happens with modern plumbing. And need we remind you that Melrose Place was blown up in the not-too-distant past and rebuilt, so it would certainly be up to code in terms of what is going on with the shower situation. So, please, stop it with this joke. If you're savvy enough to drop Facebook references into an episode, you can do better than this.

So, Jonah was pissed because Riley showed up at the music video he was directing to annoy him with her problems. Apparently, a kindergarten classroom full of kids was running wild, because Riley spent all day dropping by restaurants, getting drunk, making out with the neighbor, and annoying her fiance rather than, you know, teaching. In the end, Jonah came home and they made up, because they are the most boring couple that is about to cheat on each other on all of television. And their plumbing sucks.

Nothing sucked about Taryn Manning, the pop star that Jonah had to deal with when directing her music video. She's a little bit like P!nk crossed with Geri Halliwell but who spent a lot of time in a reform school. She was attacked by a psycho fan and now she's a total psycho too. She pulled a gun on Jonah! OMG! Jonah got the gig because the famous director who was supposed to do the show walked out when she went crazy on him, and Ella has to find a last minute replacement or else her hot gay boss Caleb wouldn't invite her to hang out with all the cool gay kids at Akbar or wherever they congregate in L.A. these days. Of course, Ella got Jonah to do it in her continued plan to make him famous so that he'll bone her. It is working splendidly.

Once Jonah got on set, he decided he didn't want to directed Taryn as a tap-dancing tin man, but had her change into a ridiculous outfit and film it with a hand-held camera. Because everyone wants choreographed pop song dance numbers to look just like an episode of Law & Order: SVU. The video was retarded, but the single wasn't horrible. We thought it was quite good for an imaginary pop star until we found out it was a real person. Oops. Just like we didn't know, no one will know that Jonah directed the video, because it was so good that the original director is now taking the credit, and Ella threw Jonah under the tap-dancing tin man to save her job.

Speaking of people we hate, not that we were, but we will now that we're talking about David, the worst thief outside of a Keystone Kops skit. He breaks into Michael's house and totally gets caught. He breaks into Michael's office and totally gets caught again. Um, that means you are less of a cat burglar and more of a fuck up. Anyway, all his ineptitude did lead to some good secrets. We found out that Michael has files on all the former and current Melrose residents and that he may even own the place. Is Kimberly's body buried in the basement or something?

Michael got some major airtime this week, thank God. He's still just as pompous and fantastic as before, but we have a hard time believing that our Michael Mancini would stick with a woman as vapid and annoying as his wife. He needs a schemer like Syd. That must be why he started schtupping her when she got out of prison. Yes, prison! She wound up there because apparently faking your own death is a crime. Along with jaywalking and marijuana regulation, that seems like a really stupid crime. But Syd got put away, and then threatened to expose Michael for helping her in the crime of the century. He would go to jail, but worse, lose his medical license. That seems like an empty threat. Michael doesn't care if he is actually a doctor, he just always did it for the money. Now he's rich from inventing some doohickey that fixes broken hearts (oh the irony!) so he should just kick back, play golf, and have a whole bunch of affairs. Isn't that what Michael wants?

What Lauren wants is to work for Michael, which she does now that he hired her. Lauren did not really impress us this week because she didn't sleep with anyone for money. We only like Lauren when she's being a whore. When she's a too-snoopy medical student she reminds us too much of when gay Matt was trying to be a doctor, and that makes us think about how he never got laid and that makes us unruly. So, start sleeping around. We have a feeling that Michael is going to become her pimp or something, and that leads us to...

The Melrose Place Crystal Ball:
Here are our predictions for what will happen on Melrose Place, based a bit on fact and a bit on our own twisted imagination.

• Michael will get randy and call up a hooker. Lauren will show up at his door and he'll totally pay her for sex and then blackmail her into spying on David for him. David will be so blissfully oblivious to all of Lauren's attention that he'll think she's in love with him. To get David off her back, she tells him that she slept with his father, but that doesn't work, because David is only more turned on by ladeez his father has already slept with. Lauren will get pregnant, but will miscarry when Violet pushes her down the stairs.
• We haven't seen the last of fact/fiction amalgamation Taryn Manning. Once Doggie Auggie and Riley finally have a brood of their own, Jonah will start sleeping with the pop star. When he brings her around Melrose, she meets Violet and freaks the fuck out, because she is the crazy stalker fan that attacked her.
• That will put an end to Violent stalking her aunt Jane, who arrives next week, and whose hair could use a little bit of work, but we're still excited to see her. Let's hope that she can design a new dress for her niece so she can stop wearing Allison's cast offs.
• Ella's gay boss will threaten to fire her if she doesn't set him up with Jonah. From our personal experience, gay men can not resist his curly-haired charm, and Caleb will be smitten. Ella will arrange it, but will cry inside.
• Auggie will go on Top Chef and will be ejected after the first round. However, he will know where to score some dope dope, so he'll become fast friends and eventually lovers with Padma Lakshmi. She will then hire Auggie to play a role on her sitcom, and we'll have to watch Auggie on two shows each week. We will be sad, because he's not all that great, but happy because his body is jammin'.
• We're sure this is crazy, but we have a weird feeling that Amanda will come back. Is it just us?

The deal was just announced and Locklear will make her first appearance at her old address on November 17. No word on how much money she got (probably lots) or how many episodes she's doing (hopefully lots) or if she'll still be billed as "Special Guest Star" (if she's not then we will bitch, lots).

Locklear famously joined the staid Melrose Place late into its first season and her conniving advertising executive character brought all the slutty campy backstabbing craziness that made the show famous. Of course, the bland tales of twentysomething trying to make it were traded for boardroom romps, fights in the pool, and pulling off wigs. It was a trade that brought ratings success and the most ludicrously brilliant television drama since Dynasty, which Locklear also starred in.

The new series has been struggling both with viewers and critics (though it's growing on me) but Locklear's return is sure to be a boon. We'll see if they can turn the spike they're sure to get from her first appearance into higher numbers week to week.

In celebration, here is, perhaps, her most Melrose moment:

[Image via Getty]

The award for most-improved goes to high class call girl Lauren. Last week we thought she was going to be a sanctimonious hag, but she has already turned into a hard-hearted hooker. In just two episodes! After her client from last week calls up, he offers her services to a friend. Lauren says she'll never do it again, but when med school says they'll kick her out if she doesn't pay tuition and Ella gives her a push in the right direction, she's back in a short skirt and heading to another fancy house for an evening of forced small talk and intercourse. We also love that this whole scenario is totally outlandish in a true MP style. If everyone could become a sex worker and get paid $5,000 a pop to have sex with hot, successful guys who live in really cool modern houses, well, let's just say I wouldn't be sitting around typing TV recaps for a living.

Also a little fake was Lauren running into Ella and David at a Hollywood party. What, is there only one swanky shindig in the whole city? She handled herself admirably though, and her biggest fear seems to be her friends' judgment rather than the precarious legal situation she has put herself into. We give it two more episodes before she gets some psycho client who ties her up or refuses to pay her or some shit.

As a Melrose psychic, we totally called that Violet was Sydney's daughter, or at least she thinks she is. We could all see that our Syd was totally lying to Violet in the creepy flashback (which continues to be the highlight of the show). Violet—who is one N away from being violent—presents her long-lost mommy with some fucked-up, pipe-cleaner-and-beads arts and crafts project she made at summer camp when she was nine. Scary. We can't tell whether Ms. Simpson-Wentz and her blank stare make her a really bad actress or a really good actress who is playing a fucked up psychopath. We'll see in weeks to come, now that she has a job as a hostess (oh, the heights!) at the same restaurant where Auggie, the dog-named object of her puppy love, works, we see some potential in her future. Remember the craziest broads on this show are always the red heads!

Auggie is totally the Jake of the new Melrose. He works in a restaurant, he's really hot, spends lots of time shirtless, and has little to no personality. He did kill his ex-girlfriend by mistake though, which made him an addict. We learn in flashbacks that Sydney got him sober, messed around with him a bunch, and that she attacked him on the night of her death, which explains the bloody clothes he was burning last episode. Again, we totally called that he wasn't the killer. We still wait for Auggie to do something cool.

He may be falling for equally dog named Riley, who also continues to bore us. Ditto for fiance Jonah. Will they start cheating on each other already so this can get good?

A much better match than those two is David and Ella, who used their time at a swank party to the best of their advantage. David stole a watch. Fun. We're waiting for him to get caught so that he can weasel out of it in some compromising way. We hope it involves selling his body.

Apparently that is something that Ella won't do to land a client. To keep her job, she has a weekend to sign some fake British superstar as a client. When the limey tells her whip out the knee pads if she wants to sign him, she marches out by the pool (in her ridiculous white dress that looked the most fashionable thing to wear to a KKK meeting—sans hood, thankfully) and takes a picture of his dick. Somehow this makes him hire her as a publicist. We're still confused to exactly how this all worked, but we might have just been distracted by the introduction of Ella's hot gay boss, Caleb. He was voted Most Likely to Co-Star with Neil Patrick Harris in Our Three-Way Fantasies.

We kind of like it when Melrose doesn't make sense though. It reminds us that we're in an alternative reality where anything can happen. We seem to have finally tapped into that universe with the second episode. We're going to give this show a few more chances, but if we don't see some real camp craziness by sweeps, we're going to start watching The Biggest Loser instead.

It's not that the pilot was as horrible, but it could have been better—like Ashlee Simpson-Wentz's nose job. Right now it is taking both the best and the worst parts of the original series to make something that is kind of confused. Melrose began as a 90210 spin-off with a bunch of earnest twentysomethings trying to make it big in L.A. It was all very boring and no one watched. Then Heather Locklear showed up with a bunch of bitchiness and intrigue. Everyone forgot about their standards and morals and the sudsy drama took off.

Like a good old-fashioned episode of MP, last night started off with bitchy schemer Sydney creating a whole bunch of drama, but this time with a whole new cast of characters. She ends up dead in the pool, killing the best thing the series had going for it. Apparently devilish doctor Michael helped her fake her death on her wedding day 11 years ago, and she eventually returned to town, and started sleeping not only with Michael, but also the son he never mentioned before, David. That totally sounds like something Sydney would do. Now everyone has a motive to see her dead, including bland recovering alcoholic Auggie, and bisexual publicist Ella, who takes the voracious and crafty crown from Locklear's Amanda and wears it well. We love Ella.

Who we don't love is earnest filmmaker Jonah and his dishrag of a fiance Riley (PS—Riley and Auggie are dogs names). Riley is a first grade teacher. That means that she is sweet and innocent and not someone we want to be friends with. When Jonah accidentally films a prominent producer making out with his teenage daughter's best friend, he turns down $100K and a chance to make a film because he has morals. No you don't! You're a character on Melrose. You're supposed to make bad decisions and then deal with the crushing consequences. What we learned in the '90s from original sad sacks Billy and Allison is that we don't want to see upright citizens, we want to see glamorous people making selfish decisions and doing horrible things to each other.

That's why Lauren gets our kudos. At first, her hard-working, financially-strapped med student seemed like a dud. That is until she accepted an offer from a rich hottie to sleep with him for $5,000. Now that is some serious Melrose Place nonsense of the first degree. Look for the regret and shame spiral followed in coming weeks. It will be glorious to behold.

Who we didn't see much of is Violet (played by Simpson-Wentz). Who wants to bet that she is Syndey's daughter who she gave up for adoption and that she's the one who stabbed her biological mother and dumped her in the famous pool? She's not the only one hiding secrets. The final montage of naughtiness shows us that Auggie has bloody clothes (which automatically means he's not the killer, that's way too easy), that David is an art thief (they still have those?), and that Riley and Jonah make sweet, sweet love. Yawn. Sure, everyone has secrets, but no one seems like they're going to plant a bomb and blow up the apartment complex or steal a baby. If we wanted to see people committing misdemeanors, we'd watch One Tree Hill.

But, like Sydney said in her first scene, she thought she could return to the original location and recreate what they once had. Well, that's wrong. A friend suggested that this new version is so close to the original that it's going to suck until Heather Locklear shows up and rescues it. While that's a sweet theory we just think that everyone needs to forget that they're good people living in reality. Just like people would rather see the Joker than Batman, they're watching this to see the villains win. This is Melrose Place—an alternate universe where anything is possible and fans will believe anything, if you give us a good enough reason to tune in.

Television — and the entertainment world as a whole — require viewers to ignore reality and focus on the flashing images. Obviously no one believes Vampire Bill exists or that an ugly girl like Betty Suarez would get hired into the wild world of fashion. Those premises require a standard amount if disbelief, an amount that's given a little leeway when dealing with soap operas, where the unbelievable becomes a regular occurrence. But Beverly Hills, 90210 and its popular spin-off Melrose Place largely eschewed aliens, evil twins and the like. At least they gave us some wiggle room to pretend the happenings were, well, happening.

Tonight's premiere, however, pushed the envelope and successfully shattered our childlike ability to believe, if only for a moment, that the idiot box speaks the truth. The reality of this remake's quest to dazzle becomes abundantly clear. But we suppose that's the place to which the entertainment world was meant to land.

Michael, Jane, Syndey, and Jo (played by Thomas Calabro, Josie Bissett, Laura Leighton, and Daphne Zuniga, respectively) are all signed on for multiple episodes of the new season. But if Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and cohorts can't carry this thing, producers are going to have to turn to turn on the nostalgia and bring back some of the most-ludicrous apartment complex's former residents. Here's some all-stars who will probably get the call sooner than later.

Heather Locklear
Melrose Character: Amanda Woodward
Character's Fate: Disappeared after faking her death.
Post-Melrose Career: The failed drama LAX followed by a public divorce, breakdown, and dating David Spade.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Big money, if she does, but if she's trying to craft another vehicle, this could work against her. Plus, she probably already turned it down.
Verdict: Not likely, but still necessary.

Marcia Cross
Melrose Character: Kimberly Shaw
Character's Fate: Died of cancer.
Post-Melrose Career: Hit paydirt playing Bree on Desperate Housewives.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Ok, aside from being the show's archetypal villain, it would be ratings gold. But Cross probably wants to put her wig-pulling past behind her.
Verdict: Never gonna happen.

Doug Savant
Melrose Character: Matt Fielding
Character's Fate: Died in a car accident.
Post-Melrose Career: Hanging out with Marcia Cross on the set of Desperate Housewives.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Is married to Laura Leighton, so she might talk him into coming back. Plus, isn't it about time he got to kiss a guy on screen?
Verdict: Possible.

Courtney Thorne=Smith
Melrose Character: Alison Parker
Character's Fate: Moved to Atlanta, which is even worse than that time she went blind.
Post-Melrose Career: Spent a few seasons on Ally McBeal and an eternity on According to Jim.
Reasons For/Against Returning: She's been on three hit shows, she doesn't need the money. But, her character is still "alive" and she's not doing anything better. We have a feeling that Courtney would think this is a lark.
Verdict: Not unlikely.

Rob Estes
Melrose Character: Kyle McBride
Character's Fate: Still living in Melrose Place.
Post-Melrose Career: Now stars on 90210 an hour before Melrose on The CW.
Reasons For/Against Returning: His wife ex, Josie Bissett is on the show, and can he play two characters two hours apart?
Verdict: He can't. It would rip a hole in the time-CW continuum.

Grant Show
Melrose Character: Jake Hanson
Character's Fate: Moved to Ojai to be with his son.
Post-Melrose Career: A good turn on last summer's ill-fated Swingtown.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Unemployment, and showing that his body is still killer.
Verdict: Wait for sweeps.

Jack Wagner
Melrose Character: Dr. Peter Burns
Character's Fate: Faked his death with Amanda and ran off to a tropical island.
Post-Melrose Career: A stint on The Bold and the Beautiful and, um, celebrity golf tournaments.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Do we want him back?
Verdict: Unfortunately, probably a yes.

Kelly Rutherford
Melrose Character: Megan Lewis
Character's Fate: Living happily ever after outside of Melrose Place.
Post-Melrose Career: Bad mommy Lily on Gossip Girl.
Reasons For/Against Returning: She said she'd do it for a lot of money, and it could have cross over potential. Maybe Lily's gay son Eric should move into Melrose Place, and Rutherford can return to the show playing a different role.
Verdict: Never mind, that would also tear a rift in the time-CW continuum.

Kristen Davis
Melrose Character: Brooke Armstrong
Character's Fate: Drowned in the pool.
Post-Melrose Career: Are you a Charlotte? Well, Brooke is.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Please. She's a fancy movie star now. She doesn't need this crap.
Verdict: About as likely as Carrie Bradshaw shopping at Macy's.

Alyssa Milano
Melrose Character: Jennifer Mancini
Character's Fate: Moved to New Jersey with Billy (Andrew Shue).
Post-Melrose Career: Charmed and the first lady of Major League Baseball.
Reasons For/Against Returning: Boredom. Plus, her character's brother, Michael, is back. Why not have Jen come by for a quick visit?
Verdict: Give it a season or two.

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

Uncle Jesse will soon be doing a beautiful duet with Verbal Kint? Weird! Yes, John Stamos has just been cast in Kevin Spacey's upcoming film Father of Invention, a comedy about a crazy inventor. We've written so much about this movie in these here Trade Roundup pages. This is going to be the biggest movie ever, right? Like, total summertime box office foofaraw that makes a kajillion dollars. Wait, what's that? It will be some barely-released indie that no one sees and is forgotten quickly? Much like Spacey's upcoming Shrink? Oh. Oh OK. That's too bad. [Variety]

Sorry, all you Tyler Perry haters. The Atlanta-based entertainment mogul—who produces religiously draped morality plays about black folks both embracing and pushing away negative stereotypes—has had his TBS (also in Atlanta!) television series House of Payne picked up for another 46 episodes. 46! I watched an interview once with Mr. Perry where he talked about the show's lead actress at one point praying off camera before a scene then speaking in tongues suddenly while filming said scene. He loved it and told them to keep it in. This is true. I am not making this up. He's a "sure, people speak in tongues all the time and it is normal" kind of Christians. He's also one of those "nobody in the black community is gay" kind of Christians, though he hasn't really said that out loud. But his movies, in some ways, speak for themselves. [THR]

Joshua Leonard, who disappeared into the wild woods of Maryland some ten years ago leaving only some teeth (or was it a finger?), is on the move. Yes the Blair Witch Project actor has his big Hump Day coming out soon, and now he's signed on to star in The Lie, a comedy about a struggling musician trying to make decisions. In another film or two the lazily funny actor will probably be bumped up to sarcastic-best-friend-to-annoying-male-lead-in-a-romantic-comedy status, competing directly with the likes of Thomas Lennon (who is a fucking millionaire because he wrote Night at the Museum). Hollywood! [Variety]

Longtime ER producer and showrunner David Zabel has inked a deal with NBC to make a pilot. It will be a legal drama with a family bent, because Zabel's family has a grand tradition of working in law. And also because Judging Amy was long enough ago that only a few people remember it happened it all. Tyne Daly remembers. Tyne Daly will remember forever. [THR]

Haa, OMG look. There are new posters out for The CW's upcoming sure-to-be-dreadful Melrose Place show, and they're very similar to those once-popular "OMFG" Gossip Girl posters. My favorite is above. Because what a pun that is, right?? Menage a Tues. Because it's on Tuesdays! Should I have gone with the one that says "Tuesday Is the New Humpday" (Joshua Leonard!), which implies that people on the show will be humping? Children will be watching this show guys. Married Emo Queen Asheee Simpson is on it. Children. Humpday. Menage a Tues. Hollywood! [THR]

Oh thank God. Unstoppable, the movie about a runaway train full of chemicals, is back...on track. See Denzel Washington had walked away for a bit because of delays and whatnot, leaving poor little Chris Pine all by his lonesome, but now he's back. It's filming in Pittsburgh. And really, who can say no to Pittsburgh?? [Variety]

Whoa, time warp. Remember those glittery old 1990s nights when you'd watch 90210 and then, right after, there would be Melrose Place waiting for you—a bitchy, bruised little giftbox. Well, in my case, in the early years at least, that only happened if the babysitter let me stay up. But still! We will soon get to relive those old days, only in a way shittier way! At the CW's upfronts yesterday they revealed that, yes, in fact, the new MP reboot will air on Tuesday nights right after the new, horrible 90210. So let your kids stay up late. Who knows, one day they could grow up to be gossip bloggers. Proud parents! [Variety]

Oh this sounds good. Rosario Dawson has just signed on to play opposite Kevin James in the romantic comedy The Zookeeper. The film is a about, um, a zookeeper whose animals teach him how to meet the ladies. Leslie Bibb from Popular is gonna be in it too. [Variety]

TNT is making a play to become the sixth major network, even though it's still stuck with that ugly basic-cable label. They held their own upfronts yesterday with notables like Dylan McDermott on hand to plug their cop dramas. In the upcoming months we may also see a Steven Spielberg-produced drama about aliens, a drama about a "down-on-his-luck" attorney, and a Kyra Sedgwick/Kevin Bacon-produced drama about a small town Texas sheriff called Zapata, Texas. TNT knows drama! Especially if it's half-baked brooding crime drama. [THR]

Roadside Attractions has picked up distrib rights to Happy Tears, which stars Demi Moore, Parker Posey, Rip Torn, and Ellen Barkin. Seeing as it's an indie and it's called Happy Tears, any guesses what it's about? Yep. You guessed it. It's about a wackily dysfunctional family. It comes out early next year. [THR]

Ohhh girl, get your reality on! The 22nd installment of MTV's syphilis-ridden warhorse The Real World will premiere on June 24th. The season is set in beautiful Cancun, Mexico and, since we haven't read any news reports about a tanned body full of booze turning up in a ditch outside Puerto Morelos, we'll just assume that Bryannica's case is still considered a "voluntary disappearance" by the Mexian authorities. [Variety]

The Sag Wars are heating up again. Which side will you fall on? Will you side with history? Are you willing to die by the SAG sword? Kate Walsh says vote yes. Do you really want to be on the losing side if Kate Walsh is victorious? She's a bloodthirsty maniac, hellbent on creating nothing less than global chaos and misery, after all. I mean, have you seen that show Private Practice? [Variety]

Guggenheim has some workmanlike TV credits to his name as a director—an episode of Alias here, a little bit of Deadwood there—but his most famous projects were Truth and the short biographical film that preceded Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention. Neither of those credits would suggest an affinity for high camp, but Guggenheim has one important link to the revamped franchise: his wife, Elisabeth Shue, is the sister of O.G. Melrose regular Andrew Shue. Plus, the world is ending, so why not grab a quick paycheck? Fuck it!

Also, THR reports that the reboot's first actor has been cast: Swingtown and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants star Michael Rady (shown here with his traveling pants stripped off in a decidedly NSFW way). Rady will be playing "Jonah," who initial casting breakdowns described as the show's "Kevin Smith wannabe." He will be killed off in the third season finale, when Melrose Place is buried under melted polar ice caps.

• From 'Swingtown' to 'Melrose Place' [THR]

Whether this red-do will be able to draw a strong cast of boozy grandmothers and ultra-skinny Degrassi alums remains to be seen, but EW's Michael Ausiello has the casting breakdowns of each new character, which he compares the Melrose Place alums of yore:

The new Jake and Amanda are... David Patterson and Ella Flynn. He's Melrose royalty, the now-grown son of the original Jake, with the taut abs and thick black book to prove it. She's his omnisexual sometime lover, a PR whiz whose tongue is as sharp as her stilettos.

The new Billy and Allison are... Jonah Miller and Riley Richmond. He's a Kevin Smith wannabe whose obsession with his movies is unlikely to give him a happy ending with his sickly-sweet schoolteacher fiancee — especially when she takes a shine to the glamorous life he loathes.

The new Matt is... Auggie Kirkpatrick. A hunky hippie, this recovering alcoholic is willing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. No word on whether the word sucker will be tattooed on Debbie Downer's forehead, but come on…

The new Jane is... Lauren Bishop. Sort of an anti-Michael, this straight-arrow med student falls on such hard times that she's forced to pull a Sydney and trade sexual favors for financial ones.

The new Sydney is... Violet Foster. Though she's fresh off the turnip truck, this small-town teen already has a worldly-wise m.o.: play the sex kitten till you're ready to bare your claws.

Which original cast members will be fired when Special Guest Star Lindsay Lohan eventually joins the cast as Amanda Woodward's cigarette-swallowing daughter? We can't wait to find out! (If it doesn't work out thou, Linds, there may be other avenues for your jaw-unhinging talents.)

• Exclusive: Look who's moving into the new 'Melrose Place' [EW]