What a Difference a Week Makes
By Betsey Morgenstern

I've been trying to get a job at the New York Times for years now, ever since I barely graduated Hunter College Journalism school by blowing a physics professor. How did they expect me to pass that for my degree with all that math? I am not good with numbers, but words, I can do words. And now that there are going to be all these open positions at the Times because all these people are leaving, and they're doing it on purpose. Even my personal role model Jennifer 8 Lee is leaving. I just love her so much. She's so smart and classy and well-dressed. I really love her.

Well, I don't love her like a lesbian. Lesbians are gross, especially lesbian teachers. The only worse teachers are ones that punch girls in the face at bars on the Jersey Shore. And if I were a lesbian reporter, I would try to get myself changed into a straight girl like killing gay people in Uganda.

Enough about death, because if I don't find a job soon, I'm going to be dead. So, now that everyone's Facebook pictures were revealed due to some crazy new privacy policy, I've been skulking around looking for something to use to blackmail someone. We know that reporters sleep with their sources so the pictures shouldn't be hard to find.

I found some great shit about Michael Steele guy rubbing all up on his interns, but I have no clue who he is. Also there was some pictures of a group called Armor Group International where they were pretending to fuck each other. That would be great, but I heard they just lost their government contract, so what's the point?

That's when I came upon Rod Jetton, 42, reasonably attractive (by my standards, which are very high), and into all sorts of kinky shit that involved S&M and green balloons. I worked as a dominatrix on a phone sex line to get my way through college, so I could defintely talk the talk. I would pretend to be into his scene and then I would take all sorts of unflattering pictures and then charge him to keep them quiet. It would be perfect. For a second I heard Bart Simpsons voice telling me my "crusade" was wrong and I should convert, but I must have been hung over from the A Single Man premiere party I crashed covered for Gawker.

On Wednesday night I was going to stay home and watch the Top Chef finale, but this asshole Brian Moylan ruined it for everyone. God, if I knew where to find that prick, I would kick the shit out of him. My plans were ruined and the phone rang. It was Rod Jetton, responding to an email I sent him over Facebook. He said that he had been reading Sarah Palin's Op-Ed in the Washington Post, and he was all hot and bothered and wanted to hang out.

I was all "What do you want to do? I'll do anything for love, and I'd even do that." He said he wanted to take me down to his hot tub on the Jersey Shore and watch me make out with his friend Billy Corgan's girlfriend. Isn't he dating Courtney Love again? Or maybe Ashlee Simpson. I don't think I'd want to make out with either, but I had to play along.

First, I needed an excuse why we couldn't hang out so he'd want me even more. "Sorry, Rod, but I have to...um...I have to....uh, paint bike lanes in Brooklyn. So I can't make it."

He was really upset. So upset, he said, that he was going to treat me like that evil man who threw tomatoes at Sarah Palin. God, he really had a boner for this lady. What was I getting myself into? He is obviously a nut case, and I wasn't going to pretend to be a nasty lesbian for anyone! I told him that I would meet him at the Howard Johnsons near the George Washington Bridge at midnight and he could take me. He was very excited and asked if I would wear a red blazer. I said sure, and hung up.

No way I was going to hang out with that guy. Instead, I put an ad up on Craigslist to try to meet a man for some quick, easy sex. Then I had a brilliant idea. I heard that the owner of Craigslist was doing

But he should definitely hire me. I only used Twitter to source a story once and it was only for Men's Health, which doesn't even bother to make new covers so it doesn't even matter. If that doesn't work, I'm going to have to fall back on being an underwear model or become a film critic and make picks for best movie of the decade or work at Metro. God, they'll put anything in their paper, even dick.

It goes far beyond the similarities between the December 2007 and December 2009 covers that was discovered yesterday. Have a look at the Men's Health cover archive and you'll find that Zinczenko has been recycling covers since 2004. The magazine only has about four cover archetypes, which usually share the same copy ("Get Back in Shape" is always paired with "30 Red-Hot Sex Secrets," for instance), and the same stupid numerical eye candy. And Zinczenko seems to have keyed into the seasonal desires of his readers—the January/February covers, for instance, were virtually identical in 2005, 2006, 2007, and 2008.

There are in fact, just four basic templates for a Men's Health cover. Since 2007, Men's Health has led with "Flat-Belly Foods," "Get Back Into Shape," and "Lose Your Gut" at least twice a year, and a "Six-Pack Abs" at least once a year since 2005.

Here's a gallery of animated GIFs that's taught us several things about Men's Health:

• Editor-in-chief David Zinczenko's tolerance for coming up with creative ways for convincing old men that they don't have to be fat anymore withered some time in 2004, and
• Men's Health doesn't work. If you have to tell your readers how to "Get Back In Shape" ten times in four years, they're not getting back in shape.
• Men's Health is lying when they claim to have exactly 1,293 or 1,093 or 2,143 of anything in their issue since they keep using the same numbers over and over again. Never trust a number on a magazine cover that's over 30.

"Six Pack Abs"
The October 2007 cover that Zincenko got caught reusing yesterday has appeared three times before—in December 2006, April 2007, and April 2008—for a grand total of five covers including this month's. All of them feature "Six Pack Abs" and "Gain Muscle, Lose Pounds," and four promise to tell readers how to "Dress for More Sex." Three explain how to "Eat Better, Think Smarter," and one goes rogue with "Sleep Better, Think Smarter."

"Lose Your Gut"
The March 2006, March 2007, September 2007, March 2008, and May 2009 covers all promise an "Amazing New Plan" for how to "Lose Your Gut!" Remarkably, March 2007 and 2008 both feature an "Exclusive New Poll" of "1,093 Sexy Women" confessing what they want in bed. Maybe they conducted a follow-up poll of the same women a year later?

"Get Back In Shape"
This is a popular one—they've used it on ten covers in the last five years featuring the same cluster of coverlines. (This animated GIF only shows eight of the covers, because making one with all ten covers created a file too big to upload to our server, so we left out September 2008 and October 2006, randomly.) This can be accomplished in between seven and nine days, depending on the year. Two of them have Ryan Reynolds on them, and eight promise "30 Red-Hot Sex Secrets." Most of them also promise "15 Foods That Fight Fat," though one drops down to ten for some reason—lean year? It apparently was the designated January design from 2005 until 2008.

"Flat-Belly Foods"
The December 2007, May 2008, and December 2008 issues all offer "Flat Belly Foods," guidance on how to "Make Good Sex Great," and an average of 2,544.6 "Cool New Health, Fitness, Sex, Style & Nutrition Tips."

Update: Zinczenko turned to Mediaite (owned by his good friend Dan Abrams) to tell his side of the story. His defense is that the recycled covers are only for newsstands (20% of the monthly run) while subscribers get copies with different cover lines. (Mediaite has a side-by-side comparison.) As for repetition of lines on the newsstand, it's just about going with what works. His statement:

Twenty years of Men's Health has certainly produced several lines that have proven themselves effective at newsstand, which makes up about 20 percent of our print run. We plan to keep using the most effective marketing tools to reach the largest market we possibly can, and continue to reward readers with practical, positive, life-altering service information. And we'll continue to break new stories as we do every issue - as reflected in these covers.

One glaring problem with this defense is that the subscriber versions have some of the same, repeated cover lines that keep showing up on the newsstand covers over and over. For instance, the made headline on the July issue for subscribers was the tried-and-true "Get Back In Shape" which has been used ten times in the last five years for the newsstand. And both versions of the December issue have the line "1,293 Cool New Money, Fitness, Sex & Nutrition Tips" that's been used countless times before on newsstands, most recently in April.

But those are just quibbles: the bigger point is that putting the same cover lines on different magazines year after year is lazy at best, deceptive at worst. And Zinczenko's defense that he's merely repeating the cover lines on the newsstand version — the version of the cover that's meant to convince someone to part with their money for whatever "New Plan" the cover's touting — only underlines the point. This is how an anonymous former staffer explains the cover line selection process to Daily Finance's Jeff Bercovici:

They had a file of used cover lines and would just pick them somewhat randomly, with no regard for what was in the issue. ... Occasionally they'd have to call some poor editor and ask something like, "Hey, is there anything in the issue that involves 792 sexy women confessing what turns them on?"

It is, in other words, the most shameless, least creative way to go about running a magazine.

Except that we don't understand what he's saying really. First he told Kelly the carbon-copy cover only made it onto newsstands, and that subscribers got a different one. Which makes it sound like a mistake. But then he added:

...it was not inadvertent, and it was part of overall branding strategies that we wouldn't share for magazines, books, international editions, mobile applications or anything else.

Which sounds a bit like something Sarah Palin would say — it has lots of plausible-sounding words in it, and sort-of scans if you read it casually, but actually makes no sense whatsoever. Is he saying this was a deliberate attempt to brand books, international editions etc like a 2007 cover? Or that they have some secret reason that they "wouldn't share"? Get in touch Dave! We'll run a whole new story, with a different headline and everything, featuring your explanation.

Aside from the different celebs—the new cover features Taylor Lautner and the old one Jason Statham—the entire left side of cover lines has virtually identical copy and layout: the six pack abs, the poster, the results in nine days, the "gain muscle, lose weight," the ultimate nutrition plan, and the eat better and think smart. The 1,293 is the same even though apparently then it was what women want in bed and now it is tips to get money, fitness, sex, and nutrition. Is there something about the number 1,293 that focus groups really well? Or maybe a numerological thing?

A few details on the covers have been changed. Now we get "tech toys" instead of "hard muscle" above the title, the sexy women have migrated to the right hand column, and the "best body ever" has gotten a little bit smaller. The December '09 cover has no "get-rich secrets" because, well, in December '09 ain't no one getting rich.

Anyway, aren't all Men's Health covers interchangeable anyway?

Rodale, which publishes health-conscious magazines like Prevention, will feature the first couple on the cover of four of its titles, Prevention, Men's Health, Women's Health and Children's Health, a new publication. Three will hit the stands in October.

According to Peter Moore, editor of Men's Health, which will endorse the President's plans, the publications have a direct stake in the political debate:

The whole issue of health care in the U.S., it's something that we have to feel strongly about. We're health journalists. We know, if anyone does, what's broken there, and so if this comes off as more of an advocacy piece, it's because we're advocates for health.

Um, well — obviously everyone has a strong opinion of health care. If not, they should be sent to the emergency room, an experience that will no doubt teach a valuable lesson. While certainly this sounds like a good idea, it may not be. You see, the President's opponents, especially the toothless masses, may see the President's relationship with the media as, for lack of a better word, elitist.

Though only Men's Health and its lady counterpart explicitly address the political debate — Prevention will keep to neutral topics, like diet — the writing's on the wall: these magazines are in the ring for the Commander-in-Chief.

Many Americans see the publishing industry as nothing more than a legitimization of liberal politics, so having the President and his kin appear in the pages of monthlies — especially three at once — could be seen as a tad offensive. But, at this point, Mr. Barry has little choice but to be offensive. Or, rather, go on the offensive.

Also, having an Obama, namely: Michelle, on the cover doesn't necessarily mean huge sales, so this whole thing could turn out to be a big disaster. But, of course, there aren't many other options. Except, of course, back channel negotiations and actual politics.

Here's the problem: As Apple's sales figures show, people tend to pay for indulgent content involving games, music and simulated alcohol. What does Men's Health ask people to pay for? Gym workouts!

Not only that, the magazine's application includes 125 free exercises, and charges for additional content. So it only appeals to true hardcore exercise buffs who aren't already getting workout advice from their gym, personal trainer or free off the internet.

Nevertheless, self-promoting media hero Dave Zinczenko tells Ad Age the software basically outshines the 15,000 iPhone apps before it:

"A lot of previous apps were one-and-done purchases, where you buy Tetris for $1.99, play it for a while, then forget about it," said David Zinczenko, editor in chief of Men's Health.

There's a man who can tell you how to stretch!

[Ad Age]

Dave Zinczenko
This Captain of Best Life Magazine most certainly did not go down with the ship. Instead, he slunk out the back like a rat and jumped on a lifeboat with the women and children. Dave who claimed credit for launching the magazine & loved to drop its name for hotel upgrades is acting like he has no connection to the magazine. Exactly one week before the press release announcing the demise of BL, coincidentally someone fed Keith Kelly confidential info about Rodale's restructuring & made CEO Steve Murphy out to be the bad guy. Curiously, midway throught the piece, the story veers sudenly to a completely different tangent and mentions how a "source' says DZ is indispensable to Rodale, the face of the company and a "winner". Who had access to that info and wanted to make himself look good by trading the exclusive for a plug? Maybe get out in front of negative news with some good old self promotion? Interesting coincidence, but we're not done yet.... The same day Dave was "sighted" in P6 as having dinner with BFF Dan Abrams and his girl Renee Zellweger. Apparently being a 3rd wheel can be cool as long as you the mention. Finally, Dave made sure to lunch at Michael's that same day to be mentioned on Media Bistro's Fisbowl NY (and which reiterated that Dave is a winner). All a complete coincidence right? DZ surely had no idea of the annoucements to come this week. When the press release came out about BL, didn't it seem a bit curious that Dave's name wasn't on it? That must have been an oversight. Surely he wanted to address the troops, thank them for their service and take responsibility for his failures (In as much as he relishes taking credit for his successes)? Surely he did, but he was too busy paddling away from the ship, and no, he won't stop to pick up survivors.

A tipster tells us that "Men's Health and Women's Health are merging advertising and marketing staffs today," a move they say will be accompanied by "big layoffs." If you have more info, email us. [UPDATE: Another tipster says "Looks like it was only one dude." If so, big whoop over not much, on our part. Please continue to emails us more info. UPDATE 2: "Rodale, publisher of brands such as Prevention and Men's Health, has cut another 20 sales-side employees," Mediaweek reports.]


The American Society of Newspaper Editors, which is, by the standards of newspapers, a pretty important organization, is canceling its annual convention, because they figured out that attendance would be low because all newspaper editors are currently bogged down writing layoff memos. Sad.

David Simon was a Baltimore Sun reporter on the police beat before he went and made The Wire and (hopefully) millions of dollars. And now he's so fed up with the god damn state of the city and the police department and the reporters there since he left that he had to go and start making calls again, himself, just recently, to get to the bottom of a crime story! And furthermore he sure as hell didn't see any "bloggers" or "citizen journalists" out there finding out the facts! Some people think David Simon is a jerk cause he's always mad and lashing out at ill-chosen targets, but I think David Simon is a great man, in his own angry way.


The LA Times: not paying its freelancers. Pay up, fuckers!

Ladies Home Journal is accused of violating the advertising/ edit wall in its recent issue featuring Ellen Degeneres. Well they took the cover photo from Cover Girl, the company for which Degeneres is a spokesmodel, and which bought ads right next to the cover story on Ellen, so yea. Still it's just incredibly hard to get outraged about crumbling journalism standards at Ladies Home Journal.

Yesterday, Men's Vogue folded. That was a major embarrassment for Anna Wintour. She was a force in the women's fashion world, but she thought she was destined to build her own fashion magazine empire in her own little corner of Conde Nast. MV was supposed to be a big part of that. Now it's dead, along with Fashion Rocks, the huge advertorial project that Conde Nast put on each fall. Teen Vogue is rumored to be shaky as well! That means fashion advertising is weak overall, and Anna's dream is deferred. If not dead.

You know who this should be of concern to? Dave "Abs" Zinczenko! And every other aspiring magabrand mogul. Dave Z made his name editing Men's Health, but now he oversees a bunch of "Health" titles, writes ridiculous "Health" books, and goes on the Today show as an expert all the time. He's not an editor, he's a brand name.

Until the advertising collapses! Then he's back to being just another dude checking copy and approving pages and hopefully getting out of the office in time to go to the gym, not so he can look good on TV, but just so he can feel good for himself.

Don't worry. Pretty soon you'll be thankful just to have those editing jobs. [Pic via Reuters]

STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW YOUNG AND VIGOROUS YOU ARE. For one thing, the American public does not be able to read above a second grade level to notice that John McCain is fucking old. For another thing, a lot of them do not know how to read above a second grade level so you are going to have to work extra hard to explain this financial crisis to them. McCain just backed out of your Friday debate; good, no one wants to watch that shit on Friday in times like this anyway. Use this time.

Remember all that crap you said about Ronald Reagan being a "transformative" candidate the way he shifted the national debate so irretrievably to the right? You got shit for that, but you were right. Never again would a federal government possess the ideological capital to tax the wealthy or regulate their engines of wealth creation to a societally optimal degree. UNTIL NOW.

But no one's making sense right now. No one is capturing this quite clearly. No one is capable of synthesizing this particular historical watershed in way that can build the political capital necessary to reshape American ideology the way you can. And we have to reshape our ideology, in order to get Americans on both sides of the aisle to get on the same page about the gravity of national problems more complex than, like, the Obesity Epidemic. So please, DO IT. Write a speech. Make it good. I know you are tired; I know you are worn out. But so was John McCain when his plane got shot down and he broke those three limbs and he had to swim eleven miles so the North Vietnamese could commence refusing to set his fractures and shit! Don't forget that! Get a good night sleep, and focus! And think about skipping the workout. People always say working out "gives" them energy but actually scientifically that is less true than saying that cutting capital gains taxes and repealing short-selling regulations "helps" the working class.

UPDATE: For Chrissakes guys I know that magazines do not work with the same time sort of lead time as, like, blogs. It is the TIMING that kills, and the point is Obama has yet to give an adequate speech on the economy.

From Kurt Walters' blog:

Alright, my boyfriend George Karabotsos' boss David Zinczenko was telling me during an amazing dinner at Waverly Inn that I had to work on my blog more. Apparently I'm relatively witty, way too opinionated, and lead what some may think of as an interesting life.

Gee, great, there's some easy criteria to follow.

On the romantic painting:

So this is the newest piece I've just finished. It's a portrait of my partner's boss David Zinczenko and his girlfriend Melissa Milne. She ordered it back around Christmas, and gave it to him on Valentine's Day. A rather surprising and original gift I think, sure beats a couple of long stem thorny flowers, and some chocolates.

Zinczenko: A man of passion.

[Kurt Walters]

From: Zinczenko, David
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008 4:55 PM
To: Men's Health Editorial
Subject: Read this (not that!)

The thought occurred to me while I was watching the Super Tuesday returns to ask: Who had a better last three weeks—Barak Obama, or Eat This, Not That? Crazy, audacious comparison, I know, but stay with me here. Let's see:

* Senator Obama was seen in a very positive light on national television. So was Eat This/Not That!

* He saw his appeal grow among women and ... so did Eat This/Not That!

* Senator Obama took on an entrenched political machine with ties to the fast food industry and made his mark ... so did Eat This/Not That!

* And Senator Obama emerged with hopes of turning his strong showing into a kind of a Barak Brand that could influence us for years to come, and guess what—so did Eat This/Not That!

And that's why I'm proud in joining him by saying, on behalf of the Men's Health team and my Rodale colleagues—Yes. We. Can ... Run a book straight out of the magazine brand and up the bestseller lists (even if not the New York Times bestseller list).

Some quick background for all of you:

.

* As mentioned, we developed the brand first. Eat This Not That! has been a mini feature in the pages of Men's Health since the dawn of the millennium. Okay, that's only a handful of years, but still: We had the opportunity to develop it out, test it with readers, screw it up, revamp it, and hone it until it became one of our most popular features. And all of that honing did something else as well: It allowed us to ensure that Eat This Not That! was a strong contributor to Men's Health and its mission.

* We built a publicity strategy in advance. Thanks to years of building relationships with the Today Show—a place that Men's Health was actually banned from before 2000, I think—we had a guaranteed outlet for the book. But more important, we had already built credibility with the program, having done weight-loss pieces with them for years. We didn't create a product and then try to sell it; we developed a reputation, and extended it in new and important ways. The Today Show wanted to work with us on it, because they believed in us, and knew that we had both the expertise on nutrition and the feel for what people needed and wanted. And that has made all the difference.

* We also put together a team out of the MH brand that was passionate about the product, expert in the field, and well-versed in the strategy.

— George Karabotsos came up with an innovative new design that might be even more iconic, in its own way, than the Zagat guides.

—the creative team—among them my brilliant coauthor matt goulding and our researcher Lauren Murrow—found a ton of ways to improve and give more depth to all of the information we presented.

—Paul Reader planned a media blitz with an irresistible hook—the fat/calorie reveal—and made ETNT an overnight staple on the Today show. As we predicted, the segments were the most popular things on the shows where they appeared; hence, more and more segments. They're watching their audience response, just like we did all those years. Our hit became their hit, which made our hit even bigger.

And, most important of all, we didn't settle for first or second or even twentieth drafts. We refined and refined and refined some more. Since less than 1 percent of the book's content came from the magazine, Matt, George, Lauren, myself and others rethought everything. We dispensed with the standard dedication, and instead used that far-forward piece of text to engage the reader in the battle we had with the fast food companies to get the information our readers need to make healthy choices. And in so doing, Eat This, Not That! became not just information, it became a quest we share with everybody who buys the book.

We went through 57 iterations of the cover. I counted them. We photographed french fries. We photographed cheese fries. We photographed our PR manager Allison Falkenberry posing like a diner waitress. And in the end, we chose the image you see here on the cover. Then we went through type treatment after type treatment, design after design, ripping it up and trying to improve it. Then we tried subline after subline, rewriting and rewriting, looking for the perfect language, until we hit upon "The no-diet weight-loss solution." And finally, when we were all done, Steve Perrine came in and said, "You're not done. You need to put an exclamation point after the title." So we ripped it up again, and Eat This, Not That became Eat This, Not That! And that's the sort of passion we brought to the project. That willingness to rethink, time and again, is what made it a sensation.

And of course, none of it could have happened without all of Rodale rallying to make our dream a reality. The entire Rodale books group, among them Liz Perl, Bob Anderson, Chris Krogermeier, Nancy Hancock, Tara Long, Keith Biery, Anita Patterson, Howard Weill and Bill Seibert, Bill Ostroff, Paul McGinley and Cynthia Dobson and Andrew Gelman, the indefatigable Michael Bruno, Sandra Matthiesson, Bill Stump, Sean Nolan, and on and on—all pitched in the last several months, and continue to today, to ensure that this book's important message got out, in record time, to a country of people in desperate need of this information. Many of us operated as if lives were at stake, which of course, they are. Our undying thanks to all of you who have inspired this project in so many ways.

And because of their efforts, we now have a hit franchise on our hands. So brace yourselves: We've already begun work on the sub-franchises and spinoffs that proceed logically from Eat This/Not That! The saying is true: success has had a thousand fathers, and mothers. So with all that fertile talent around, it should soon have 15 or 20 offspring:

* EAT THIS, NOT THAT for kids
* EAT THIS, NOT THAT for diabetics (Steve Murphy's brilliant idea)
* EAT THIS, NOT THAT for business travelers (Steve Perrine's idea, and a perfect tie-in for Best Life)
* COOK THIS, NOT THAT (Matt Goulding is in heaven over this one)

* SAY THIS, NOT THAT (Peter Moore already has a list of ideas for 85 spreads)

* WEAR THIS, NOT THAT

* BUY THIS, NOT THAT

* EARN THIS, NOT THAT

But the big overall lesson to learn here is a simple one, and we've all heard it from Steve Murphy a hundred times now: it all starts with an idea, and idea that debuted back in March 2002, on page 48. And the idea is very much like the idea of Men's Health itself—it's clever, it's useful, it's catchy, it's definitive...what tons of useful stuff is all about.. And why was it a hit? Because it helped all of us make one of the most basic, and dangerous, decisions they make every day: Should I eat this, or that? (We make 200 food decisions every day, by the way. Chew on that.) If we're armed with the right information, those decisions can help us live better.

And, going back to Mr. Murphy's rule, Eat this, Not That! has succeeded because, like Men's Health, it's an idea that is so big that it demands the attention of its target audience, that it creates its own web opportunities, its own publicity plan, its own circle of spinoffs, its own destiny. And I truly believe those kinds of ideas come out of a brand that is made up of dedicated believers who understand Men's Health's mission because they share it with their readers and web visitors and book buyers. We are they, and they are us. Eat This/Not That succeeds because the need came first, and the way to satisfy that need was brilliantly conceived. My trips through the drive-thru will never be the same, and for me and millions of other Americans, that's a very good thing.

Now, if only I could get Will.I.am from the Black eyed peas to do a music video for the book—Kind of a "Yes We Can...avoid the aussie cheese fries"—we'd be right there.

Thanks.

(Photograph by Nikola Tamindzic)

He surprises:

Stepp: What are (men's) most pressing health problems?

Zinczenko: Number one is their abs.

He advises:

"Let's not treat vanity like a deadly sin. A little more vanity would save a lot more lives."

And he cracks wise-s!

"We did a Harris poll of 5,000 men and women a few years ago. When we asked guys to choose between meeting the love of their life or having sex for six months, 92 percent preferred finding the love of their life. (I think the other 8 percent were probably Maxim readers.)"

Just watch out for the bruising.