There are so many times (One occurred today) that I hear Papa Kade's words to me, "You have chosen a hard and lonely path to walk", where I realize that despite all the fame, the celeb status, the vagina that's thrown in my face like Water Ice, and the awards and money that I will soon have, that this is a road that Arthur Kade walks alone, but today is one of those days where I know that god tests me to be the biggest and most famous actor and writer in the world, and communicates and says, "Brand, make the hard choices now, so that you can make easy ones later on when you have touched Little Oscar".

Btw he's gonna be at "Art Basil," so, ladies?
[Pic via]

Meet Lionel McIntyre (pictured), an "Associate Professor in the Practice of Community Development and the Founding Director of the Urban Technical Assistance Project at Columbia University." According to the Columbia Spectator and the NY Post, he went out to a bar on 125th St. last Friday night with Margaret Davis, a white female colleague, and practiced community development by technically assisting her with a sucker punch in the face:

The professor, who is black, had been engaged in a fiery discussion about "white privilege" with Davis, who is white, and another male regular, who is also white...McIntyre, who is known as "Mac" at the bar, shoved Davis, and when the other patron and a bar employee tried to break it up, the prof slugged Davis in the face, witnesses said.

Dude Lionel McIntyre we hope you were really drunk, for your own sake. Judging by all the sources cited, this is an accurate report of what happened. Professor McIntyre is a veteran of the civil rights movement but appears to have descended into either a serious drinking problem or total bitchassness.

The Ivy League Punch-Edginess hypothesis has failed.

As if the fake marketing and technology trends challenging the manhood of young, attractive males wasn't worrying enough, now we have to contemplate the existence of a parallel fake trend afflicting our parents and grandparents which we really would prefer not to contemplate, at all, but there it is, right in the AARP magazine, of course:

"I'll say, 'You have an amazing body. You have amazing breasts,'" he reports. The next thing you know, you'll get a picture of a breast," he says with a hearty laugh.

Yea but an old dude said that, which makes it totally...

"If you're sitting in a restaurant waiting for your food, you can just talk dirty to someone, and no one knows what you're doing," Jill says, in a slow Southern drawl. "I would rather talk on the phone. But I'm also comfortable with hiding behind texting if I want to say something dirty."

Gurl u no ur body just don't quit. Gurl u no u shd let me show u my male body lotion. Gurl UR so fine.

On housework, wives spend an average of 42 hours per week, and husbands spend 23. But husbands spend 34 hours on "paid work," and wives spend 20. Plus, "paying bills" counts as housework, so who even knows what's what? Let's get to the sexxxy part!

Couples reported having sex 82.7 times a year on average, or 1.6 times a week, about the same as in other studies.

All that housework just to get laid once a week! Has anyone tried having sex instead of doing housework? Perhaps it is time we moved towards that model, for equality, and love?

Oh and also scientists proved that Viagra works. So.
[Pic via]

Yea, so basically the WSJ has a very disheartening report saying guys are out buying beds and shit that cost tens of thousands of dollars so that they can have shit like wine coolers and TVs and safes built into the bed, cause who doesn't need that, right?

He delighted in showing her that the TV could be lowered into the footboard via remote, and he let her pick out the color and pattern of the mattress fabric. His wife declined to comment.

The silent treatment already. Oh dude you are going to be buying so much fancy shampoo forever to make up for that one. Real smooth, in your Batman bed. Awesome, yea right. Fancy beds, Jesus Christ.

Its highest officials quite possibly will! See, yesterday's report about the results of Semenya's gender test were a leak; the actual results of the test won't be formally revealed by the International Association of Athletics Federations until November.

South Africa's president says the media's invaded her privacy (true maybe, but that's what the media does). The South African athletics chief is trying to say that the early reports are untrustworthy. And the country's Sports and Recreation Ministers says this is all a moot point, because "I don't think she's a woman. She's just a child. I think she's just a child who's enjoying growing up."

Also Winnie Mandela is not too happy about that You magazine cover photo.

I have learned much about this intersex thing from our astoundingly overqualified commenters. And am become more sensitive by the day! Did you know there is a sad part to it? There is. For example: an Indian runner named Santhi Soundarajan also "failed" (weird way to put it, no?) a gender test in a similar fashion in 2006. She was stripped of her medals and, she says, humiliated forever:

"I am treated as a social outcast, even in my own local place," she said...

"It is really, really humiliating. I am unable to move in the society, to go out anywhere. People don't look upon me as an Asian Games medallist, but only speak about when I failed a gender test."

Can we please have an intersex running category in the Olympics! For Chrissake!

Caster's next race is tomorrow.

Breaking, whoa, I did not even know this stuff happened for real, but yes it does!

Tests conducted during the world athletics championships in Berlin last month, where Semenya's gender became the subject of heated debate following her victory in the 800m, revealed evidence she is a hermaphrodite, someone with both male and female sexual characteristics.

Okay, so they found that Caster Semenya, one of the best female sprinters in the world:

1. Has no womb.
2. Has no ovaries.
3. Has "internal testes."
4. Has three times the testosterone of a normal woman.

Now they're telling her she should get surgery immediately because she may face "grave health risks." Uh. Well. So. Just don't listen to us any more.
[Pic: Getty]

It was all a trick, by marketing people, to get you to buy body wash! The NYT digs deep into the dirty scam—it turns out that instead of being an honest appraisal of body wash's ability to engorge the loins of females, all those sexxxy Axe ads may have been tainted by hyperbole. Furthermore, girls were using body wash before boys, and now boys are using it which makes them totally gay, differently-designed packaging be damned! Like Big Tobacco, Big Body Wash gets you while you're young:

For men using body wash "to go mainstream like this it really has to be taught when boys are pubescent," she said. "One thing you can be sure of with pubescent boys, because of their hormones, is that they stink."

Just because we're stank and dumb is no reason to take advantage of us.

South African 800 meter runner Caster Semenya is totally dominating all the other ladies in the world and pretty much shattering times and all that, and she has lots of muscles, too. IS SHE A MAN? Just have somebody take a look, right? No, says the Daily Mail:

A group of doctors, including an endocrinologist, a gynaecologist, an internal medicine expert, an expert on gender and a psychologist, have started the procedure but it is uncertain when the results will be known. The complex process could take several weeks to be complete.

"Complex process?" We do not understand this at all. Just do the ol' "accidental knee to the groin" test! Two seconds!

Athletic competition and gender studies meet at last!
[Pic: Getty]

In a Decider.com column, Gawker friend Max Silvestri relays a bit of a story involving Gallo:

My drinking partner knew an employee [at a bar called The Rabbithole], whom we'll call Diego, and after serving us some french fries (which are great, owing in large part to the fact that they were french fries), Diego somehow quickly segued into a story about how one time he was allegedly hanging out with a coked-up Johnny Knoxville and a coked-up Vincent Gallo (this story was clearly already taking the bullet train straight to Integritytown). Gallo tried to hit on Diego's girlfriend (model, obviously), so Diego shoved him.

Silvestri, you see, was using a sophisticated "sarcasm" technique to deride this "Diego's" story as untrustworthy, as is abundantly clear if you read the column. Now, the column has this note appended:

(Editor's note: After this column first ran, Vincent Gallo called The A.V. Club to make it known that he does not do cocaine and thus would not, in fact, have been "coked up.")

Fine, fine. Just stop acting so cokey.

You know exactly what we're talking about: well-meaning, fragile, cerebral, maladjusted boys with an anemic sexual persona and child-like notions about women. It was cute for a while! And we certainly needed someone besides Matthew McConaughey to fill our wasted nights. But now ladies in their twenties are stuck with these infants in Morissey onesies as our leading men. No wonder tweens and mommies are swooning for the pasty boys in Twilight, at least those guys will leave a couple of marks on you after a romp!

It's not just an aesthetic thing. It's a (lady) boner killer for a any woman who has a dark streak —and really, what self-respecting woman doesn't? These awkward young men are so soft, so emotionally naive that it's clear that any one woman with a penchant for a couple cocktails and hair pulling would shatter these precious, cutesywutesy little boys. Bring back the angry young men who could at least make you feel like a woman instead of a girl.

Examples! Run the clips please:

Jesse Eisenberg in Adventureland. Sad, smug, virgin who tries to save a slutty K. Stew.

John Krasinski in Away We Go. Cheerful, smug, bookish Dave Eggers stand in who tries to shield his unborn child from the ills of normal people who lead unmeaningful lives.

Demetri Martin in Taking Woodstock. He even has the haircut of an 8 year old (actual age: 36).

Joseph Gorden-Levitt in 500 Days of Summer. Morrisey loving nerd tries to pin down his manic pixie girl.

Micheal Cera in Paper Heart. I like Michael Cera a lot. But I'm pretty sure he doesn't have genitals — just a fleshy, rainbow colored patch that rests under his corduroy pants.

Hugh Dancy in Adam. Maybe Hollywood is getting the point? Adam is the same kind of nerdy, quirky, sort of hunky outsider. Except this movie blames all of his quirky awkwardness on Asperberger's syndrome. Fine! That's it! No more! Jokes over.

In order to get into character [for Death in Love], Mr. Lucas committed to being crazy for 25 days. Like the character, he avoided all things beneficial or healthy.
"I tried to do everything to be beaten and rundown, a sense of feeling that pain. I purposefully did not do yoga or go to the dog park or hang out in bright, beautiful places."

Yoga or the dog park. It's called sacrifice, kids. After those dark days, Josh had to immediately re-calm himself. With yoga.

He also switched from Bikram yoga, which is intense hot yoga, to Kundalini yoga. Sometimes, he says, "it's as esoteric as sitting there with your hands in a strange posture and just quietly breathing.

Doing yoga is a thing Josh Lucas likes to do. Yoga. Just be thankful that Josh Lucas found yoga—before he went over the edge:

"It's funny, I was doing yoga the other day, and it must have been a fire truck that pulled up and started blasting its horn because the cars wouldn't move out of its way, and I actually burst out laughing, 'cause I was like, ‘This is incredible.' I was like, ‘Thank God I'm doing yoga right now, because otherwise I might not be laughing, I might be screaming.'"

If you see Josh Lucas doing anything other than yoga, call the police at once.
[NYO. Pic: Getty]

Now there is a new kind of star on the food scene: young butchers. With their swinging scabbards, muscled forearms and constant proximity to flesh, butchers have the raw, emotional appeal of an indie band.

God yes.

"Dangerous is sometimes sexy, and they are generally big guys with knives who are covered in blood."

They're no Ted Bundy, but they'll do.

"Obviously everyone is the middle of a total meat obsession," Ms. Keenan said.

That's what she said. Oh, that is actually what she said. Carry on.

In San Francisco, Ryan Farr calls himself a "producer of porcine pleasure."

Pig fucker.

Mr. Farr had a dream. "I want to throw a 300-pound pig in the middle of a room full of people and just tag-team it with him," he said.

Pig fucker.

"There is always going to be some guy in some meat room in some part of the world who is going to be faster than you," he said.

Sometimes it's better to take it slow in the meat room.
[NYT. Pic: Caviar's Flickr]

June 21: Arthur Kade is the New Oprah.

I have always had this responsibility because of my looks, status, and confidence, but now when I meet a girl, the first thing out of their mouth is "You're the guy with the website", You're too big for little old me", and "I'm not cool or good looking enough to hang with you"...

While out last night in AC, a friend asked me, "What's it like to be able to walk into a place, and be the most influential opinion?", and I responded "It's amazing, but everyone kisses your ass because you can make or break a place by that opinion", and I realized at that moment that I have become like Perez Hilton or Oprah, because people realize the incredible lifestyle I live, and will follow any example I do around the world

June 24: Arthur Kade addresses the media.

I talked with the writer about my enormous story in the Mag, the influence I made in increasing their sales and web hits, and could tell he was fascinated with how diverse I was, and the opinions I had. When he saw my face at first, He asked "Arthur Kade?" and we shook hands and I sat down next to him. He called me "Hot" right now, and said that he changed his Facebook status one time to say "What would the Philly Media do without Arthur Kade?", referring to the effect I am having on media around the world, and how big a story I am...
[It] was funny when he called me an "Anti-Hero", to which I said, ‘I'm a hero for the working man".

June 24: Arthur Kade caused Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey to break up because Vanessa totally wants to get with Arthur Kade but now he's not sure if he wants her cause she might not be a big enough star for him. No need to excerpt this one.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.June 25: Arthur Kade Dominates everywhere he goes.

People sit and wonder what I am doing next (To the point of obsession and stalkers, I may need a bodyguard soon), and are living their lives vicariously through me, and I never disappoint to show them the rock star life I live...

My influence in New York is huge, and the site that is constantly obsessed with my life is Downbythehipster.com (Considered the most influential and talked about nightlife site in NYC with one of my friends calling it "The Bible of New York")...

After the party, I am heading to the airport and jumping on a plane to LA to dominate the left coast for 5 days.

Arthur, you have to tone it down a little, yo. It's no fun if it's not believable. Think of how you like all your hot women to fake orgasms. You want them to really display some subtlety, right? You're trying too hard.

Meet Mark. He's looking for his Goddess. Could it be you? Maybe, if you meet these qualifications, among many others?

• Mark's "on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class-to billionaire." Can you handle that?
• Mark has a GLOBAL VISION: "The Political Manifestation of World Peace and World Joy - A Grand "Symphony" to Be Performed by the Light Workers of Planet Earth." Among its tenets:

  * Transformation of Computers and the Computer Industry into the LIGHT.
  * Transformation of Science into the LIGHT.
  * Transformation of Health Care into the LIGHT.
  * Transformation of Business Management into the LIGHT.
  * Destiny Support.

  There's lots of other ones involving the LIGHT, too!

• The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Mark needs a Goddess to travel this path with him. What does that mean? "Goddess' means a woman who is blossoming in many qualities of spiritual enlightenment AND is intensely sexual." Mark's artistic rendering of a goddess is at right.
• "She engages in one or a combination of the following spiritual practices for a minimum of 15 minutes per day(mdash;meditating, chanting "Hare Krishna," etc.)...I would prefer someone who spends more like 1 or 2 hours per day on such practices (as I have been doing for 35 years), and I think 15 minutes is pretty minimal for a Goddess.
• "She is NOT a Scientologist."
• Body requirements include:

  She is extremely attractive. She's HOT. She turns heads wherever she goes.
  She is sexy. VERY sexy.
  Her hair is her own and at least to her shoulders. Alternatively, she is willing to grow her hair long for me and keep it long for me.
  Her voice is not low or raspy. (Alto is fine; baritone is not.)

• "She is deeply disturbed that each day approximately 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes."
• "She believes in the light-filled MAGIC of sacred sex. She wants to utilize this magic to manifest our Global Vision. She realizes that her sacred sexual union with me is crucial for manifesting the Global Vision."
• "If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it's an important part of my Global Vision."
• What more is there to tell? Mark himself is a divorced high school teacher in LA and musical theater aficionado and, as he mentioned, Global Visionary. Write to Mark@Findingmygoddess.com to apply now.

• Hair Dye—In 2002, Maxim decided to sell its own line of hair dye. It had ads on TV and everything. To this day, when you see an overtanned 40-something with a shirt unbuttoned to his navel, lounging by a mid-rent Cancun pool with a striking head of black hair—that man is a Maxim hair dye legacy.
• Casino—In 2006, Maxim's publisher signed a deal to build a $1.2 billion Maxim Casino on the Vegas strip, with 60,000 square feet of gambling and 2,300 rooms. How'd that go? Today, the #2 Google result for "Maxim Casino" is a post on this blog.
• TV Specials—Just announced today! "E! has partnered with Maxim magazine in a two-year deal to produce a series of hourlong specials," including "Maxim's Celebrity Beach Watch" and "Maxim's Hottest Moments 2009." We have a feeling this will be the big one.

John Mahdessian prefers not to be called a dry cleaner.

"That's a fuckin' insult," he said, between pulls off a Marlboro Light on a recently Sunday morning. "That's like calling a world-renowned surgeon a doctor."

That tells you all you need to know about John Mahdessian (pictured), president of the "world's leading custom couture cleaner," the man responsible for rescuing Barbara Walters' black and white sequinned Armani jacket from the ravages of red wine.

Spencer, the assholes—but in shades of grey—of Manhattan (and those who gawk at them) will be poorer without you.
[NYO. Pic via]

Ha, don't worry guys, Sharon Levy is an awesome chick. Very manly!

"She's got as much testosterone as any guy I know," said Doug Herzog, the president of MTV Networks Entertainment Group.

She invented Deadliest Warrior, the show that finally settles the debates you had when you were 12 about who would win, a samurai or a knight? Plus she's teaching dudes more about chicks!

"We have been trying to figure out how to do a show with women in it that is sexy and not misogynist," Ms. Levy said.

Good luck with that one, lady!

"This is going to be a very broad show," she said.

She says "broad" too! As a Spike TV viewer, I like this broad already! Plus she's a lapsed Jew who likes to eat pork! And look, male daredevil Jesse James just wants to emphasize, once again, for you guys: this chick is totally masculine.

"She's like that cool chick in college that you drink with and go out and party with. She has her girly moments, but not too often."

She's totally cool with Spike TV, as long as she exhibits no feminine traits. Except having breasts, yea!
[NYT]

In China every family only wants to have boy children, thanks to communism, and now there are 32 million more marriage-aged men than there are women! So guys pay these outrageous "bride prices" of thousands of dollars to land a lady, and some enterprising ladies have learned to go "yoink!" The Chinese term for "Gold digger" is "Runaway bride."

Meanwhile in Nevada, USA, brothels are battling their slowing business by adding more male prostitutes. These guys would charge $250 an hour!

Clearly Chinese men need to earn money being male prostitutes for unmarried ladies, then pay the ladies that money as a bride price, then the ladies run away to hire more male prostitutes, and the cycle continues happily.
[WSJ, LAT]