So! Megan Fox was promoting Jennifer's Body, the new Diablo Cody monster whatever movie. Wonderland magazine asks her about Transformers 2, and she goes off the reservation on Michael Bay:

God, I really wish I could go loose on this one. He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous mad-man reputation. He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it's endearing to watch him.

Now, while Megan Fox is trying to cement her reputation as a ridiculously inaccessible super rad badass post-femme hottie goddess rockbitch (or whatever Diablo Cody would call it) by basically calling Michael Bay a small-dicked boy with big explosive toys, a bunch of Michael Bay crewmembers—Or fanboys! Or both!—posted a letter on a Michael Bay message board. They write:

Megan has the press fooled...we have never understood why Megan was always such – the grump of the set?

...When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we've had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it's very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair

Yes! Written like true techies. She's got a tat? Call her trailer trash! And again:

Megan says that Transformers was an unsafe set? Come on Megan, we know it is a bit more strenuous then the playground at the trailer park, but you don't insult one of the very best stunt and physical effects teams in the business! Not one person got hurt!

And who is the real Megan Fox? She is very different than the academy nominee and winning actors we've all worked around. She's as about ungracious a person as you can ever fathom.

Yeah, well, we imagine that's the case with everyone. What say you of franchise star Shia LaDouche? Exactly. Furthermore!

The press certainly doesn't know her most famous line. On our first day in Egypt, the Egyptian government wouldn't let us shoot because of a permit problem as the actors got ready in make up at the Four Seasons Hotel. Michael tried to make the best of it; he wanted to take the cast and crew on a private tour of the famous Giza pyramids. God hold us witness, Megan said, "I can't believe Michael is fucking forcing us to go to the fucking pyramids!" I guess this is the "Hitler guy" she is referring to.

Okay, that's just funny. So! Word of the letter leaks out. Sister Jez gets to it, Michael K at D-Listed gets to it with his own analysis:

The letter is supposed to make you want to run for president of the I HATE MEGAN FOX fan club, but it actually makes me kind of like her stupid ass for a quick minute. I mean, she's dumb, she's a slut and she's a bitch. The dumb slutty bitch is my kind! It's like we were separated at the free clinic!

God, he's a poet. And for a moment, this struggle of two work cultures—the "talent" culture, and the "techie" culture, this ages-long Hollywood battle over the value of diva actors and the work they do and the class struggles that exist between them—it hung in the air, dangling over the edge of becoming an all-out war, like an Autobot teetering on the precipice of a cliff, about to fall into the Grand Canyon, when Michael Bay, the great negotiator, stepped in. The letter was removed from the site! Forget for a moment that D Listed has it up, Just Jared still has it, and Google has it cached, and read into the great peacemaking the Michael Bay doth purport, on his site:

I don't condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don't condone Megan's outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3.

Michael

Genius. This is the man who brought us Armegeddon; he's a natrual crowdpleaser and one hell of a moneymaker, at heart. You think he'd do anything but leave open the possibility of more cast and crew infighting and insanity?

Winner: Michael Bay.
Losers: Classless Tech Crew Who Can't Write A Letter Very Well, With Exception To The Egypt Anecdote.
Push: Megan Fox. Yes, probably an asshole, but an honest, funny one. Like, sometimes, you're in Egypt, you just don't want to see the fuckin' pyramids, you know? Someone get me a mango lassi while we wait for these robots to get gassed. I've got my wonderful freaky thumbs to look at.

• For the second year in a row, Paramount and Warner Brothers led the summer box office derby, fueled by Transformers 2 and Star Trek for Paramount and Harry Potter and The Hangover for Warners. Universal landed at the bottom of the heap with a string of disappointments including Bruno, Land of the Lost and Funny People. Variety cautions, however, "Market share and profitability don't necessarily go hand in hand, since market share doesn't account for how much a studio has spent on production and marketing." Meaning just because they took in a fortune, doesn't meed they made a dime. [Variety]

• The Hollywood Reporter credits this year's four percent uptick in receipts to the higher ticket prices Hollywood conned America into paying for 3-D movies. [Hollywood Reporter]

• A tepid last weekend of the summer box office race was again won by last weekend's winner, Final Destination 3-D which took the crown with a paltry 15.4 million. To no one's shock, this weekend's releases Gamer and All About Steve both failed to catch fire. [Box Office Mojo]

• The Telluride Festival closed with strong reviews for at least a pair of films. Last year, the festival first brought Slumdog Millionaire to the world. This year, Jason Reitman's Up In the Air and Tolstoy biopic The Last Station won strong reviews. [Variety]

Paramount/DreamWorks, the studios behind the franchise, set the movie to premier in 2011. The director said he wants more time, and maybe take some time off. Maybe our hulking iron behemoth will get his creative juices flowing.

The gigantic machine has treads because driving it to its home in a German open-air coal mine was cheaper than having to ship the behemoth there. Couldn't they have just attached rockets and had it fly there like Optimus Prime? Bay will show them how!

More pictures and stats here.

• An Australian tabloid is reporting that Robert Pattinson has knocked up 19 year-old Kristen Stewart, his Twilight co-star. Allegedly they had an "encounter" and now she's understandably "very nervous about the whole situation." [MTV]
  
  
• Armani is set to run a line of sexy new ads featuring David Beckham and Angelina Jolie. Oh boy—Are we the only ones who think this could be dangerous? [Yahoo]
  
  
• Britney Spears was sporting a "spare tire" as her concert tour shifted from London to Paris. Apparently, Brit has been enjoying English food, which is something we just can't wrap our brain around. [Mirror]
  
  
• Former Three's Company star Joyce DeWitt, a notoriously nutty broad who played Janet on the show, was arrested for DUI the other night. [Daily News]
  
  
• Creepy douche director of movies laden with explosions Michael Bay allegedly made Megan Fox wash his Ferrari while he filmed her as her audition for Transformers. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• Zac Efron, Chace Crawford and Jared Leto have all trimmed their bangs, which signifies that man-bangs are officially on the way out. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Twilight star Kellan Lutz and 90210 actress AnnaLynne McCord went to a party in the Hamptons and were roaming around the house looking for a place to bone. Someone directed them to a bathroom and they went in. [Page Six]
  
  
• A photographer recreated some of Madonna's iconic photo poses using Cameron Diaz in a photoshoot for V Magazine. [Sun]
  
  
• Kelly Osbourne said that Lady Gaga has a "butter-face" and that "she has everything but the face." Yes, Kelly Osbourne said this. Yes, that Kelly Osbourne. [Mirror]

• Twilight star Robert Pattinson hates New York and its deranged women. He's been whining constantly about it while working on a film in the city and can't wait to get back to him mommy in London. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Lady Gaga groped her boobs and stripped down to show off her ample bottom at a gay club in London over the gay pride weekend. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Transformers director Michael Bay says that Megan Fox has "a lot of growing up to do." Bay went on to say that "nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her" and also claimed credit for turning Nick Cage, Will Smith and Ben Affleck into big stars. Team Megan! [Daily News]
  
  
• Josh Duhamel says that he and Fergie were given a stripper pole as a wedding gift, but that he actually plays around on it more than she does. And oh yeah, he's an ass man. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Crowe just can't stop being a prick. He was in attendance at yesterday's epic Wimbledon final between Andy Roddick and Roger Federer when he decided that he wasn't happy with his seat. He saw a better one that was open closer to the court and tried to move down into it. This did not go over well with the ushers working the event. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh snap! Chris Brown is hooking up with Kanye West's ex, Amber Rose. The burning question now is who will go all Suge Knight on Chris Brown first—Jay-Z or Kanye? [Daily News]
  
  
• Rihanna attended a 4th of July celebration in Vegas wearing a loose jacket that exposed "silver sequinned nipple petals" on her breasts. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Totally old Entourage actress Carla Gugino says that Hollywood is an ageist town. Yeah, I know, quite shocking, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Courtney Love recently trashed a hotel room. Now employees at the hotel are saying that the room was "littered with needles and used feminine hygiene products." [Sun]
  
  
• Former Incredible Hulk star Lou Ferrigno says that the stress of being $400 million in debt is what killed Michael Jackson. [UK Mirror]

• Most Talented Person Ever Justin Timberlake and his girlfriend Jessica Biel are having relationship issues. Celebrities! They're just like us. Seriously. They are just like us. If Justin Timberlake can't make certain relationships work, nobody can! That has to be comforting. The difference being that if I were Justin Timberlake, I would just dance a bunch and then go get wasted at a bar and hop on the keys and play "Seniorita" until I find some random drunkass girl to take home with me - not to sleep with, just to show up with - and piss Jessica Biel off and be like, yeah, that's right, I'm still Justin Timberlake, what. of. it. But this is why I write for Gawker on weekends and he is Justin Timberlake, because he'd probably never do that, or if he did, it'd be far more vindictive and awesome than just bringing home some drunk girl from Pianos who will probably just puke on my shoes. Sigh. One day. [NYDN]
  
  
• Beef of the Week: Michael Bay Vs. Megan Fox. Fox argues that Transformers 2: Robots Go Smoosh isn't about the thespians so much as the giant robots breaking everything ("I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."). Bay disagrees! "Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did Transformers — and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys." Okay, except, Cage had done a bunch of stuff before 1996's The Rock, including 1995's Leaving Las Vegas, for which he won an Oscar. Affleck also won an Oscar for Good Will Hunting pre-Armegeddon, and was pretty great in Chasing Amy. Will Smith had Fresh Prince and Martin Lawrence had Martin long before Bad Boys. So, while they weren't Michael Bay stars, they were probably well on their way, regardless. Either way: damn, Gina! [US Weekly]
  
  
• And on the other side of the universe, pretty much through the Stargate of celebrity relationship issues, Gary Coleman's wife freaked out and trashed his bedroom. She was arrested on some kind of "fucking with Gary Coleman" statute they voted into law in Utah, I believe. Now, there's nothing funny about domestic violence no matter who it happens to, but: she's 5"5 and 23 but looks like she's 12 to his 4"8 and 41. Gary's pullin' em young! They met on the set of this Mormon movie (also starring: Clint Howard, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Fred Willard) reconciled on Divorce Court - that's still on? Jesus. - and now, here they are. [NYDN]
  
  
• Liza Minelli's manager has some serious mob ties. I know, I know: a bunch of you are going to be like BURYING THE LEDE! and I kind of am, here, but come on, it's not like it's unexpected. Also, how is the She-Ra of New York Theater Geighs somehow tied to mobsters? Could these two worlds be any further apart? Back through the Stargate. Also: money! [Page Six]
  
  
• Megan Fox went out for dinner with Zac Efron and all these celebrity tabloids are like OMFG we just don't get her, but really, are you surprised? The comprehension of complex relationships and friendships that often get blurry in grey areas is far beyond your average tabloid consumer, assumes the average tabloid writer. Maybe she just likes a variety of dinner companions, you know? I do. [E!]
  
  
• Ron Perelman, Diddy, Jerry Della Femina aren't throwing down on their infamous parties this summer. Femina and Perelman canceled them all together, Diddy's taking his "White Party" to L.A. where wearing white really isn't that big of a deal because those freaks have sunshine most days, whereas we're not ever getting a fully legit summer. You know climate change in New York is bad when you begin to miss the faint smell of aged piss every time you take the Subway in July. Oh, yeah: he's teaming up with Ashton Kutcher to throw down in LA. Strange? [Page Six]
  
  
• Rihanna's awesome: she inked up her tattoo artist (name: "Bang Bang") and two of his tattoo artist friends. She gave them umbrellas with a capital "R" underneath it. [E!]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli did some kind of Victoria's Secret shoot with Aerosmith. Guess who was wearing the panties? Come on, guess. If your answer was "Tom Hamilton," you're wrong. [Egotastic]
  
  
• There was some kind of freaky Twilight convention for fans of the series where they decended on this small Washington town to figure out where the characters of the books - not even the actors of the movie, but the characters of the books - took a shit or put out a cigarette or whatever. Even Stephanie Meyer was like, all y'all are nuts, and then she counted a bunch of her Vampire Duckets. Twilight fans are so weird. It's understandable if you're a Harry Potter fan; at least then you get to go to Foggy London Town and play with magic. Twilight fanatics are just a bunch of sexually repressed fetishists. Sorry, it's true. [NYDN]
  
  
• MySpace Celebrity Tila Tequila is writing amicus briefs now or something. She's still trying to convince people she's a lesbian, I guess. [NYDN]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was probably doing blow in the bathroom of some club and someone's surprised. [NYDN]
  
  
• I didn't really care about the Jonas Brothers before - and I still don't, really, at least not until one of them bounds out of the closet or Bonus Jonas starts a West Coast Gangster Rap supergroup consisting of him, Junior Mafia, The Game, and Mack 10 - but apparently one of them is marrying some nice girl from Jersey who's a "former hairdresser." This is kind of great if it isn't a carefully orchestrated stunt by Disney PR. Even if it is, the kid's finally going to get laid with the "legal" removal of his purity ring. Everyone wins. [NYDN]
  
  
• Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are still assholes. [NYDN]

The first installment in the six-book series is called I Am Number Four, and it was being shopped around with pseudonyms but now everyone has found out who was behind it. Oprah's worst enemy, James Frey (if that is his real name!).

The Times gives the following synopsis:

The story is about a group of nine children from a planet called Lorien who have been attacked by a hostile race from another planet. The nine children and their guardians evacuate to earth, where three are killed. The protagonist, a Lorien boy named John Smith, hides in Paradise, Ohio, as a human and tries to evade his predators.

Reached in Paris, Frey risked his promotion to Gawker special correspondent by playing coy with us: "I can neither confirm nor deny that I had anything to do with that book."

Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg are involved in the movie optioning, and the old Bay boy might even direct! So good for Mr. Frey. From career embarrassment with A Million Little Pieces, to hard-working beer-fetching Gawker HQ lackey, to snappy teen sci-fi writer with a movie deal.

See why you should let us work you to death and never pay you? Eventually, Steven Spielberg will make sure you get yours. Meanwhile, we're still here... Hm.

In Nick de Semlyen's review of the film for Empire, he notes that in the climatic Bad Robot vs. Good Robot feat. Shia LaBeouf battle, there's an anatomical wink and nod that really goes balls to the wall:

A notable moment occurs during the dementedly frenetic final act of Transformers 2. A robot-on-robot fracas is unfolding around Egypt's Giza Necropolis, with Devastator, an especially massive mechanoid comprised of several construction vehicles, set on clawing its way to the peak of a pyramid. As it lumbers up the dusty colossus, a shot tilts up to its mid-section, revealing two wrecking balls dangling down. Yes, Michael Bay, the man who brought us cyber-micturition in this movie's predecessor, has one-upped himself: Decepticon testicles.

Beautiful. Way to class up the proceedings, Bay old boy.

Slashfilm has the details on Bay's party, meant to help the United Way: it will be held at on Saturday, December 27th at Bay’s Miami Beach home. Tickets are $250 per person, but for $500, VIPs can join Bay on a private rooftop lounge alongside Megan Fox, the clone of Scarlett Johansson, and probably a Dodge Viper, just because. Following the reception, "all guests will be invited to an after-party" so that Bay can get his swerve on at home without Miami blue-hairs swanning around.

Yes, we posted about this not simply to solicit eyewitness accounts from party crashers but mostly so that we could run the shirtless Bay photo again. So what? It's Christmas. Be nice. FUCK!

• Party With Michael Bay at His Miami Beach House [Slashfilm]

• Friday the 13th [Trailer Addict]

Boomp3.com

Partially inspired by a recent late night viewing of the 1983 comedy Doctor Detroit and a string of doctor visits, hunky & quirky action hero Shia LaBeouf has started to practice medicine. While the Transformers star hasn’t visited a medical school, LaBeouf believes that he’s done enough research to perform simple house calls. LaBeouf said, “I’m not diagnosing major diseases, but if you got the sniffles or a headache, I’m the dude to call. My bubby has the best chicken soup recipe in the world. It’ll cure whatever ails you.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Back in NY Reginald has put together an elaborate plan to confront the director during the last weeks of shooting, in Egypt.

"Note- The Riddle of the Sfinks

1- Fly to Egypt as a Tourist (check passport validity)
2- Pay for extra suitcase (pack all Transformers "ideas" notebooks)
3- Arrange for stay with Nubian Brethren
4- Get Limo Driver to set
5- Pose as Prince Alli Ben Satchbone and ask to see "persons in charge"
6- Discuss with Bay Soundwave's viability, Starscream's alt mode and possible use of [Frank] Welker as voice actor
7- Offer Egyptian funding if changes are made- he can try to collect later
8- Return Limo and head back to plane"

Now that the Egypt plan is revealed hopefully Don or someone can put up proper defenses.

And this even doesn't include the illuminating IM conversations with Bay's webmaster ("Also I know that if Bay kept my Hamburger eating scene I would upstage Shia- THAT's the reason I got denied, you knows it Nelson"). We'd say we'll bring you the latest as it happens, but who are we kidding? That's what Michael Bay's Twitter feed is for.

• Reg Brown — The Further Adventures [DonMurphy.net]

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided—oh man; sorry, Mommy!—that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I bought her things—perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! I didn’t want her to be there.”

...It’s at this point that Fox becomes self-conscious—she seems, for the first time, to have recalled that she’s supposed to be on guard about her personal life—and she starts talking less about Nikita and more about how people are going to judge her for saying she had a relationship with a Russian stripper. “I don’t want it to come off as a Lindsay Lohan vibe. You know?” she says. Then, with greater concern: “Are you going to push an ‘Is she a lesbian’ angle? Oh man, you are going to do that to me.…”

Why, how could Fox imagine that GQ (which titled its article "Megan Fox Was a Teenage Lesbian") would do such a thing? Have a little faith, Megan — and next time, try Jumbo's Clown Room. The drinks are cheaper, and trust us: the strippers are way easier to save (or at least to coerce into a 3am meal of Fred 62's "Mac Daddy & Cheese Balls").

• MEGAN FOX WAS A TEENAGE LESBIAN! [GQ]

Boomp3.com

In addition to catching an eyeful of Megan Fox upon his return to the Transformers set, Shia LaBeouf also received a very thorough and meticulous ass buffing with an industrial strength feather duster. In the midst of his ass buffing, LaBeouf said, "Michael Bay really knows how to make an actor feel welcomed. At first, it's a weird sensation, but after awhile, it feels like a tiny kitten delightfully romping in a dewy meadow." Although, the first shot of the day was delayed for a couple of moments when the crew realized that LaBeouf enjoyed his buffing a bit too much.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Taking a break from his campaign to play the Riddler in the next Batman film, Brian Austin Green went to lunch with his gal pal, Megan Fox. During the meal, Green wondered why the Transformers star was lugging around a giant backpack with her instead of her purse. Fox then confessed that the recent earthquakes made her afraid of losing her most valuable possessions, so now she's started carrying them around with her. She then proceeded to list out the contents of the backpack to a shocked Brian Austin Green. It includes: a makeup bag, two designer sweat suits, flip flops, books on Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield, a laptop, Michael Bay's ego, a ton of scripts, running shoes, an assistant, four different sets of sunglasses, two Blackberry batteries, a lead paper weight, Mad Men season one on DVD and some tadpoles she caught down by the river. Green was rather impressed by Fox's ability to carry on all that weight, but was still a wee bit weirded out by the backpack.

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

“You’re gonna see — that’s gonna go away,” Bay said. “That’s fresh news… He was not drunk. He was drinking hours and hours before.”

“I spoke to him yesterday in the hospital,” Bay said. “His two fingers are pretty mashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it in the story.”

In a strange twist, Bay said he had a conversation with the 22-year-old actor about safety, days before his crash.

“We had a little heart to heart the week before when he bought a brand new motorcycle and I [said] ‘Dude! You cannot ride that motorcycle! If you crash, you put 1,500 people out of work,’” the director recounted. “He said, ‘Ok, I won’t ride it, I won’t ride it, I’ll just drive my truck.’”

Despite the incident on Sunday, Bay said LaBeouf has his head on his shoulders.

“The kid really has his head together and you know, he’s only 22,” Bay said. “He’s doing a great job on this movie. He’s really matured since the last one and I love working with him.”

The future of several billion-dollar franchises teetering on his bony shoulders, it's a testament to LaBeouf's unwavering professionalism that his trusted motivation-locator ("She's like the hottest chick ever, so you're thinking, like, 'I really want to do this chick!' Got it? Annnnd....ACTION!") would so ardently defend him. Still, should Bay not find a justifiable way to incorporate Shia's injuries into the sequel's plot, we have no doubt local spondylitis fundraiser and aspiring Bayian repertory player Nate of TransformNate.com would be happy to lend an unmashed hand, filling in as Shia's finger-double for Bumblebee-steering or Megan Fox-goosing close-ups.

• Transformers’ Director Michael Bay: Shia LaBeouf ‘Was Not Drunk’ During Crash [Access Hollywood]

According to Fox News, Fox blames her recent dramatic weight loss on a role in Jennifer's Body, a comedic horror film penned by bloggy-inclined Oscar winner Diablo Cody in which Fox plays a "possessed cheerleader." But master fauxter Bay, demanding as ever, has forced Fox to stuff herself silly with late night binges in order to bulk up for Transformers 2: More Shit Blows Up! And as for poor Anne Hathaway? Not only has she allegedly dropped almost 30 pounds in the few weeks since thieving ex-boyfriend Rafaello Follieri finally got nailed, but she's also said to be "throwing herself" into work on Bride Wars, that glee-filled set where disguising her hatred for co-star Kate Hudson has become close to impossible. But hey, at least now Anne can come out the winner in those infamous skirt size comparisons she and Hudson indulge in every time the cameras stop rolling!

[Photo credits: X17, Wireimage, Getty]

• SCARY SKINNY MEGAN FOX STOPPED EATING, FORCED TO GAIN WEIGHT [Fox News]
• HEARTBROKEN ANNE HATHAWAY DROPS 'TWO STONE' AFTER SPLIT FROM JAILED BUSINESSMAN [Daily Mail]

EXT. A HIGHWAY — DAY ...

The Batmobile races off into the distance. Finally, BATMAN catches up to the JOKER's zeppelin.

JOKER
Howdy, Batman. Got time for a little... prank?

JOKER unleashes an all-out barrage of missiles, like the biggest fucking missiles you will ever see. BATMAN shoots his own back, and they all collide into each other in the middle of the highway releasing a violent explosion, and then, an explosion within that explosion, this time in slow motion, with tanks flying out of it.

Both BATMAN and JOKER eject from their vehicles, shooting themselves into helcopters. they they unleash even bigger missiles, which whizz past both of the helicopters, destroying the highway on the ground below. The action's not over yet, though, because in the distance there are still five more highways and, on top of them, a bridge.

And you know what? While we can't vouch for how Ledger's penultimate performance might have fared in the Bay biosphere (regardless of this joke script's authenticity), at this point we can't deny we'd mind living in the parallel universe where this script would not only be written, but this movie would be made.

• Christopher Nolan's 'Knight' vision [LAT]
• >
• 'The Dark Knight' [Variety]
• Michael Bay's Rejected 'The Dark Knight' Script [Spill via TOH]