In what is believed to be a first for a scripted series, "Michael & Michael" will feature live commercials during six of its seven episodes, as Messrs. Black and Showalter humorously wax poetic about the virtues of products including Unilever's Klondike, Dunkin' Donuts, Mike's Hard Lemonade and Palm Pre.

So, that will be weird. To "criticize" this sort of arrangement would be unforgivably un-meta, since it's all being done ironically/ for real, which is even more ironic than just doing it ironically. Comedy Central's ad guy says that the Michaels "know the economic realities of television, so they know want to play ball."

What would you do for a Klondike bar, Michael Ian Black? Would you play ball? I think you would.
[Ad Age]

Not that we blame Berners-Lee for these things ... okay, okay, we do. The 20 worst things about the World Wide Web:

• 1. Julia Allison
• 2. Twitter
• 3. Jason Calacanis
• 4. Wikipedia
• 5. Henry Blodget
• 6. Dave Winer
• 7. Blogs
• 8. Dead newspapers everywhere
• 9. Congressman Jared Polis
• 10. Robert Scoble
• 11. The Pets.com sock puppet, and Michael Ian Black's subsequent career
• 12. Digg
• 13. Perez Hilton
• 14. /b/
• 15. Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales's love life
• 16. Oversharing
• 17. Mark Zuckerberg
• 18. Chris Crocker
• 19. Internet commenters
• 20. Kevin Rose

We realize they weren't in your original spec, Timbo, but you should have anticipated them. Really.

Black isn't sure why Facebook disabled his account, but he's mad as hell:

How am I supposed to maintain my vast terrorist network without this social networking site?

While it’s true that I never poke, nor poke back, I think I’ve been a loyal and true Facebook friend. I always accept friendship requests, right up to the bullshit 5,000 friend limit. Facebook, is it my fault that more than 5,000 people want to feel my love? No, it is not. It is the fault of my genetically superior brain and startling good looks. If you’re going to start discriminating against gorgeous geniuses, then I don’t even know what.

How am I supposed to receive invitations to events to which I have no interest in attending? How am I supposed to keep up with what various high school students I have never met are doing? How am I supposed to install and then uninstall various applications because they are annoying? Facebook, don’t you realize that these activities take up most of my waking hours?

But maybe this unlikely pair should kiss and make up. Black, a clever sort, has been stuck doing basic-cable schlock like VH1's "I Love the '70s/'80s/'90s" series and Comedy Central's Reality Bites Back. Pets.com folded after figuring out that spending millions of dollars on TV advertisements and paying for express shipping on bags of cat food did not make business sense. We're not saying Facebook's economic model is quite that bad. But Black would make a better spokesman than Mark Zuckerberg, the social network's hopelessly tongue-tied CEO.

(Photo by Del Far)

• 1. MIB Vs. Tucker Max/ Sedaris: Yes, Michael Ian Black is a funny and tolerable guy. But variety is the spice of life, man. How about an online encouragement of somebody?
• 2. Jakob Lodwick Quits The Internet: This one is lame because it will not stick, we guarantee. For one, he runs an internet company. Yea.
• 3. Julia Allison Quits Blogging: *Scoff*. Also: other things.
• 4. Patrick Moberg And His Subway Dream Girl: A guy sees a cute girl on the subway, draws a picture of her, puts it on a website, and gets famous. The two finally meet! They go on national TV! Everybody writes about them! Then they end up not really liking each other that much, proving that love is a dirty sham and we live in a cold and heartless world. Thanks for nothing.
• 5. The Keith Gessen Middlebrow Remix Book: We muddy the clearcut sides of this tedious feud by having Gessen remove the objectionable references to Harvard in his objectionable book and replace them with references to Florida State. Btw, bidding on this for-charity item ends tomorrow so bid bid bid!

Q. Books are weird and old and almost nobody buys them anymore. Why bother writing one? What're you trying to pull?

A. Books may be weird and old, but when the terrorists launch their EMF War against us (electro-magnetic frequency) and all electronic data is erased, isn't it comforting to know that you'll still be able to curl up with a book containing an essay entitled "How to Approach the Sensitive Question - Anal?"

Q. And the people who still buy books are ladies, mostly, and they mostly only buy books written by ladies with a photo of pretty feet and/or shoes on the cover. How are you gonna leap this hurdle?

A. I have an advantage with the female book-buying population in that I am a very attractive man. Women go gaga over my pronounced jaw line, high cheekbones, and full, supple lips. So I'm trying to emphasize those qualities to the book-buying population. How am I doing this? In every interview, I make sure to discuss my jaw line, high cheekbones, and full, supple lips. Also, I smell like chocolate.

Q. David Sedaris makes me angry and mumbly, but I'm not really sure why. Meanwhile, his sister, Amy Sedaris, makes me want to marry her every time she says or does anything at all. Why does she rule and he kind of makes me want to hang myself in the shower like that guy in An Officer and a Gentleman, or at least fling feces at him like the monkeys at the zoo?

A. This is a question that has bedeviled me for, literally, years! How can one family produce, on one hand, an American icon (Amy) and a virulent anti-American crusader (David)? It just doesn't make sense. I think you can learn a lot by looking at their individual books: David writes poignant, often painful essays about dysfunctionality (a word I think I just made up), while Amy writes recipes for cupcakes. That pretty much tells you all you need to know.

Q. Speaking of monkeys... Some monkeys are dangerous and terrible, while some monkeys are adorable and probably know the Secrets of the Universe. In your estimation, what is the most horrible kind of monkey, and what is the most wonderful kind of monkey? (Warning: I already know the answer, so I will correct you if you get this wrong.)

A. Obviously, the most wonderful kind of monkey is the baby chimpanzee. Michael Jackson proved that to us with Bubbles. Once they get much older than three, though, they get too grabby and should probably be euthanized. As for the most dangerous and terrible kind of monkey, that's easy—flying monkeys.

(The correct answer is that drunk monkeys are the most adorable and the worst monkeys are the terrible, terrible spider monkeys!)

Q. What is the greatest sandwich of all time? And why?

A. You can't beat a good reuben. The reuben is maybe the perfect combination of terrlble-for-you-meat, terrible-for-you-cheese, and terrible-for-you salad dressing, all mushed together on fried bread. It is truly fantastic. Better even than the Big Mac, which is also among the greatest sandwiches of all time, and which also includes salad dressing.

Q. I can't write my own stuff for more than three hours at time, excluding editing. Do you have a process? If so, what is it?

A. Sure. I use the QWERTZ method. I find that it's the most efficient process for writing ever invented. Also, when I write, I tend to try to think as much as I and and then just transcribe my thoughts as fast as I can. Thinking is easier than writing, so I just try to think instead of write.

Q. I actually love every single version of "I Love The..." on VH1. Even that weird 90s one! Is there another in the making?

A. I assume they will continue to make them until time itself comes to an end.

Q. We do our own "I Love The..." for the 80s and the 70s every weekend here. We call it "One More Thing." A theme is presented, and then everyone posts their fave clips and comments and comments and comments. Why won't you help? How hard is that? Just sign in and post a YouTube clip. Geez!

A. The only reason I won't help is because I never read this site. Otherwise, I would be all over that shit.

Q. Has Sedaris or any of his feverish followers contacted you yet? I kind of have to think that they have. Because they would.

A. There have been some Sedaris fans who have taken up his banner for him and defended him, which is at should be. One woman told me I wasn't witty enough to carry his shoes, which I thought was a strange thing to say, because honestly, how witty do you need to be to carry somebody's shoes? Carrying shoes requires no wit at all, which I suppose was her point, but even the completely witless, even those with negative wit, could carry his shoes, particularly because he has such small feet.

Q. Do you have Amazon Fever yet? You know, where you check your book's stats every few hours? And have they coupled your book to someone you can't stand yet? Because they love to do that.

A. They have coupled my book with my comedy album, entitled "I am a Wonderful Man," so to answer your question, yes. Because I am self-loathing. And yes, I do check my Amazon stats all the time because I really don't want to fail in this endeavor as I have in so many others.

Q. Bonus Question: What is the best thing to come out of the 80s? And what is the worst?

A. Best thing to come out of the 80's: the video for Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again." Worst: The phrase, "Hey, did you see the Space Shuttle blow up?"

Q. Another bonus Question! Why is David Sedaris?

A. Because he can.

At a cocktail party, a bottle of lousy champagne is uncorked. You take a swig, grimace, and say, "Send this swill back to France where David Sedaris is undoubtedly enjoying a baguette." (I admit this probably doesn't seem like much of a put down on paper, but if you say the word "baguette" with a sneer, trust me, this will be devastating.)

Another idea: you're knitting with some gal pals. Somebody drops a stitch. You respond by saying, "Speaking of stitches, that's what David Sedaris wishes he had me in when I read his last book."

Perhaps you are simply riding the subway. Somebody across from you is reading "Me Talk Pretty One Day," or another Sedaris gem. You lean over to that person and say, "I read that book, too..." Wait a beat, then unleash the punchline: "When I was in a coma!" (This one doesn't make that much sense, but if you say it fast enough they will probably ignore the glaring logic problem of trying to read something while in a coma.)

You've just been arrested for aggravated assault. The processing officer instructs you to make your one phone call. You dial seven random digits and say to whoever answers the phone, "Call David Sedaris and tell him I've just been arrested. If he pretends he has no idea who idea who I am, then you will know all you need to know about 'The Great' David Sedaris."

When referring to him, put a "p" after the "S" in "Sedaris," so that what you're saying is "Spedaris." This isn't a put down exactly; it's actually just a mispronunciation of his name, but if enough people start doing it, I have no doubt it will drive him fucking crazy. [Michael's Webpage]

A few weeks ago, Alex Blagg suggested that we do a party crash together in what he called "Double Dragon" style. I don't remember in which level of Double Dragon one of the fighters just doesn't bother showing up, leaving the other one, who has a serious head cold, to go it alone, but whichever level that is, it's apparently Alex Blagg's favorite fucking level.

Not only am I sitting alone, we're not actually allowed to review the movie. And while I doubt Michael Ian Black (two rows back, four seats down), and Kevin Allison (one row back, five seats down) are going to be pirating DVDs—not to mention Kerri Kenney-Silver's brother, father, and step-mother (right behind me)—there are ushers walking up and down the aisle all during the screening with night vision goggles to make sure no one is secretly videotaping. It kind of feels like movie night in Birkenau, you know, except with cable celebrities and free popcorn.

Since I can't review it, here's how IMDB summarizes the 1989 movie, Turner and Hooch:

Scott Turner has 3 days left in the local police department before he moves to a bigger city to get some "real" cases, not just misdemeanors. Then Amos Reed is murdered, and Scott Turner sets himself on the case. The closest thing to a witness in the case is Amos Reed's dog, Hooch, which Scott Turner has to take care of if it's going to avoid being "put to sleep".

After the movie, the whole cast comes out in costume and in character, trailed by a camera crew. It is the first time I experience being filmed for the special features of a DVD, but unlike special features it is not a boring waste of time. Also unlike special features, I cannot pause it to go pee, which I have to do so bad. At least at Turner and Hooch—or really any movie with either a dog or Tom Hanks in the lead role—you could just walk out and never look back. I'm still supposed to go to the post screening reception next door. Did I mention my head cold? I've got fluids backed up all over the place.

Speaking of which, if you want to have some fun, try mixing DayQuil and whiskey and then asking Paul Rudd if Kate can take his picture for your "website." That shit is hilarious. Anyway, it's really not my scene to be at a party fully of funny, talented people who worked really hard to get where they are and aren't just pretentious media assholes with no idea how little they actually mean to the world, so after shoving a couple more baby hamburgers and bird's nests full of macaroni and cheese into my mouth, I put on my denim vest, grab my nunchucks, and a-b-a-b-left-right-start my way back into the Forest of Death to take on the Black Warriors. Single player.

Team Party Crash: "Reno 911!: Miami" Premiere @ Tribeca Cinemas Gallery [photos]

If anyone deserved to break out of the Nielsen-deprived confines of basic cable into the slightly roomier Nielsen-deprived confines of post-12:30 AM network TV, it was Black. Especially since he lobbied so hard for the job to the thousand or so editors, poets, and comic book aficionados who read McSweeneys.net. As he wrote last month in "On Being a Candidate to Take Over a Late-Night Network Talk Show":

The truth is, there are very few people qualified for this job. For one thing, you have to be a celebrity. Fortunately, I am (very famous). Also, you've got to know everything about everything. Luckily, I do...

On top of all of that, you have to be able to carry on witty banter with all kinds of people: soap-opera actresses, precocious children, British people (the worst). Again, this is not a problem for me. I am well-known for being a sparkling conversationalist in the tradition of Dorothy Parker, who I am told said some truly fucked-up shit.

Hey, maybe you can replace Dan Rather?
Scottish Actor Said to Be Choice as Next 'Late Late' Host on CBS [NYT]
On Being a Candidate to Take Over a Late-Night Network Talk Show [McSweeneys]