• In Morocco, nobody can hear you scream. Actually, in Morocco, Jennifer Aniston is the biggest thing since sliced bread. Apparently, she was there for a week, and she got into a car with Orlando Bloom, and there was "breathless speculation" about romance. That said, this woman couldn't get into a car with a Clydesdale and a brass instrument without sparking breathless speculation about romance between the three of them. Her vagina must have some kind of magical property to it, or it must be some kind of unspoken Hollywood male birthright: If you don't touch this vagina, you will never be in contention for People's Sexiest Man Alive. Robert Pattinson's at least given her a foot massage. At least. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Daily News didn't have any good gossip items today, so instead they ran two pages about how Jake Gyllenhaal is a "jack of all trades" or something. They go very out of their way to assure us that him and Reese are definitely dating, and that his two new movies—the melodrama with Natalie Portman about whatever with Tobey Maguire, and Prince of Persia, where he gets to dress in clothing Tom Cruise only dreams about wearing in public—are very different. Sometimes, I just want to knock over the Daily News gossip page. Nothing else, just "knock over." [NYDN]
  
  
• OKAY. OMG. OMG. You can't be serious right now. Crackface Courtney Love ran into DJ Qualls at 1OAK when they were both clubbing on Thanksgiving eve. Qualls and Love ended up making out, and then they went to a strip club together. Yes, you know who DJ Qualls is. This dude. Always ending up in crazypants situations like that, isn't he? Related: JESUS Page Six you are the best. Sometimes, you just make me want to knock over the Daily News gossip pages. Nothing, just "knock over." [Page Six]
  
  
• Years of wearing comically oversized stiletto heels that she uses to make the bouncy dog toy otherwise known as her husband David Beckham squeak has left Victoria "Ground Cumin" Beckham in need of foot surgery to remove bunions. Ah, yes, bunions. I can think of nothing sexier for Becks and Posh's image than some bunions. That oughta help. [NYDN]
  
  
• Somehow, Lindsay Lohan can still afford a dickhead security crew, because there was one ready to erase any pictures the lead singer of Cobra Starship had on his phone after he snapped away at Lohan getting trashed at Hudson Terrace. He was the DJ there, but Lohan's security people could care less. Because, like Lohan, they're clueless assholes. This is how you win back the love of the people, Lohan. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
• Michael Phelps has dated not one but two Miss California ladypeople. Which is two more Miss California ladypeople than everyone else gets to date. The plot, however, thickens: Phelps dated Carrie Prejean at one point. The entire subtext behind all reporting of this fact is: we hope they made a sex tape. I...can't argue with that sentiment. Also, I hope she didn't suck any of Phelps' brain cells by osmosis. That wouldn't be nice. [NYDN]
  
  
• Who eats at The Waverly Inn on Thanksgiving? Try Martin Scorsese and Oliver Stone on for size. Yeah, these two guys, who do all the movies about the crooks and the psychopaths and the sociopaths, guess where they have dinner on Thanksgiving? Yes, The Waverly Inn. Of course. [Page Six]
  
  
• So, J-Lo's sex tape is coming out and before we go any further, am I allowed to submit a name for this? Is Jenny From The Cock too vile? Yes, it kind of is. Okay. We can just go with Gigli. That's not vile. Anyway: J-Lo's sex tape is on its way out and it might involve spanking of some kind. Yeah: spanking. Great. Can you tell how underwhelmed I am by this? Normal celebrity sex tapes are just so passe, nahmean? I want to hear about the DJ Qualls/Courtney Love sex tape. Hear about, not necessarily watch. [Page Six]
  
  
• File Under: Happy Families You Never Thought Would Be Happy. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith saw West Side Story with, like, 15 people. And then they had lunch. This is the kind of reporting you won't get from the New York Times (and especially not the Daily News): "Banderas, who had missed breakfast and lunch, ordered two entrees and finished them both." Revelations. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paris Hilton opened her mouth to talk about what a tomboy she is. Yes, because if there's anything a straight guy loves to do, it's dress in pink, carry around small dogs, and blow Rick Salomon on camera. Paris Hilton, there are tomboys out there who flinch at that distinction. For them: don't. People called this a "style revelation" or something. I want to drill a hole in my face. [People]

Did you guys all have a good Thanksgiving? I hope so. It's good to know that some people, however beleaguered time and time again by the mystical forces of love in the universe, will not back down. Jennifer Aniston, for example. If I'd put the good money on her still making the top of the gossip roundup before there was a gossip roundup, I would've lost it. Anyway: This jam goes out to her, and you all. I hope you bought tons of useless wonderful things yesterday and stimulated our economy and hopefully those useless wonderful things will go to wonderful, resilient people. Like Jennifer Aniston! See how I did that? Neither do I.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

These days, just about any celeb can get a book deal, but if they really want to get on Oprah and sell millions of copies, they need to come up with some sort of attention grabbing scandal that will catapult their tome up the best-sellers lists. It started innocently enough, in 1992, former Greg Brady, Barry Williams, wrote in his book Growing Up Brady that he had relationships with both is on-screen mother and sister. In 2003 Anne Heche's Call Me Crazy alleged sexual abuse as well as communicating with aliens. There aren't many other places to go after that. Last year John Lennon: The Life upped the ante by claiming that the Beatle not only had a gay relationship with Paul McCartney, but was also in love with his mother.

As the literary one-upsmanship continues from fake incest to aliens to real incest and gay relationships, the famous are going to have to dig deep to find accusations that will actually shock us into buying their sorry books.

• 2010: A new book about Elizabeth Taylor says that her secret to longevity is because she practiced Satanism at an altar in her basement. She also served as the inspiration for both Rosemary's Baby and Angel Heart.
• 2014: After his lover performing partner Roy's death, Siegfried Fischbacher writes a book about their life together and alleges that the only comfort Roy could find after his tiger mauling accident came when he started having sex with tigers. But only female tigers, because they are definitely not gay.
• 2017: Michael Phelps appears on the final season of Oprah to talk about his new book. He admits that during the Olympics he was on hormones, not because he needed extra speed, but because he's really a woman.
• 2020: Jennifer Aniston is finally ready to open up about her marriage to John Mayer, who wasn't really a human at all, but a shape shifting demon that she summoned through witchcraft and virgin sacrifice to kill Angelina Jolie. She fell in love with him instead. Mayer has no comment, but returns to the pits of Hades from whence he came.
• 2023: Lauren Conrad writes about her slide from fame into obscurity and how the loss of self-esteem lead her to make some odd career choices. She became a mid-priced hooker and drug trafficker that also ran a ring of very, very cruel puppy farms. Still, no one really cares.
• 2029: Suri Cruise finally pens a book saying that her mother married her father to become more famous and that her father often trapped them in the house for long stretches of time, not letting them talk to outsiders. She also says that they were involved in a cult with its own uniforms and crazy languages and that it kept her father from expressing his homosexual desires. It also eventually stole all of his money. Come on. Who's going to believe that?

As details of the accident have emerged, it's been reported that all parties involved are okay physically and that there were no drugs or alcohol involved (Phelps is on probation for a previous DUI), thankfully. Now a tipster with knowledge of the local geography wrote in to shine some UV light on the intersection where Phelps crashed his car:

The site of the accident is two blocks north of where I used to live, in the heart of the tranny hooker district in lovely downtown baltimore where the girls with something extra work the corner in cheap lingerie like extras from a vanity six video, and calvert only runs north - therefore, if phelps was traveling on calvert at the time of the accident, he may have been leaving the tranny hooker district !!!

The other possible explanation is that the 83 was so backed up with traffic (The Ravens and Redskins played a preseason football game in Baltimore tonight) that Phelps was traveling the "back roads" to avoid traffic.

calvert is just one of the few good ways out of the harbor area going back towards the burbs if the 83 is backed up, so he could have been coming from anywhere downtown really - but, hell, if he was going north on calvert then heck yeah, he went right thru the trannie hooker district - about two blocks long, centered at calvert and eager.

So was Michael Phelps trolling for a tranny tonight? It's highly doubtful, but it sure as hell makes for some fun reckless speculation, doesn't it? Also, this information should give Anderson Cooper something to be hopeful about, and everyone needs a little hope in their life.

Pic via

Not only is he starring in a new Subway TV ad—the first since his little controversy (smoking of drugs illegally and saddening children)—but he's once again plastered all over Subway's website (they never technically dropped him as an endorser, they just hid him in a secret "stash box," in the closet).

There he is, right on the website, telling children how to get "Fresh Toasted." If we make any more weed jokes we will probably puke, right on the floor here, but feel free to browse around the site and make your own. "Phelps Phlavor"? Ha right he likes the different flavors of marijuana to smoke on, I bet! Those colors behind him in that photo probably drove him loony when he was high on the marijuana, I bet!

Going to throw up now. Eat Subway, ladies and gentlemen.

• Michael Phelps was spotted at Marquee with four bottles of vodka, yelling "shots!" when M.I.A.'s song "Paper Planes" came on and making out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend, who he's apparently still with, thanks to a certain fundamental intellectual compatibility probably involving favorite sunglass and sunscreen brands. By the time the Olympic champion got to Tenjune around 2 a.m. the area around him smelled like weed.
  
• At her new co-op, Tina Fey is apparently neighbors with herself imitating Sarah Palin. The neighbor described Fey: "Oh, she's fabulous! Not fancy-shmancy like Park Avenue, not glitzy like Fifth and not terminally hip like SoHo. She's just cozy folks." Cozy Folks is actually the name of Fey's forthcoming sitcom about an adorable Midwestern family transplanted to a Gotham apartment building, where they live next to a neurotic television writer. Hijinks ensue. [P6]
  
• Victoria Floethe said she's tracked down the snitch who ratted out her affair with Michael Wolff to Cityfile.com. She won't say who that person is. But as punishment Floethe is going to tell her every last detail of every last time she had hot, moaning, sweaty sex with Michael Wolff. [P6]
  
• Madonna's been crying on Guy Ritchie's shoulder about her thwarted bid to adopt that Malawi kid. Ritchie asked the singer why she couldn't focus on the children she already had. Then he remembered A-Rod and the Brazilian boytoy, the long line of spurned hometowns and friends and lovers and family members, and he suddenly had a moment of clarity, about Madonna. [Sun]
  
• Peaches Geldof threw her shoe into a crowd at Bungalow 8 and a hit a woman. The woman's boyfriend then confronted Geldof, who later tried to have him arrested, possibly for throwing a glass. The cops went ahead and didn't do that. [Mirror]
  
• Britney Spears objected to all the weed smoke at a concert in Vancouver and walked off stage for 40 minutes. Still, the crowd applauded. She ended her concert with "Don't smoke weed!" Still, the crowd applauded. It seems like Canada really has this "How to cope with a Britney Spears run-in" technique nailed: Smoke weed and applaud, constantly. [Sun]

That's right, it means that Debbie Phelps gave ($$$$OLD???) the exclusive first excerpt of her book to the same outlet that broke the story of her son's bong-hitting ways! There's an excerpt of her book on Harper Collins' website, but it doesn't contain these juicy bits that the gossip rag got about the BONG SCANDAL:

Debbie was "not happy" about his "disappointing, uncharacteristic behavior," she writes.

Wowza. And what about that DUI Michael got?

"He actually had tried to get someone else to drive after he had a few drinks," Debbie reveals. "Apparently someone in the crowd made a crack about not giving the keys to his brand-new Range Rover to someone else."

It's like when we made a crack to Debbie about giving her book excerpt to Star! You have to watch what you say. [Star]

Because the brawling former Men's Vogue editor (and Leven Rambin dater) has submitted, along with his old coworker Michael Mraz, a pitch letter for just such a film. I guess they came up with the idea while out of work after MV folded in October.

It's about a Phelpsian character who, unlike that dolphin of the deep, doesn't get off so easy after getting caught up in a drug scandal. His swimming career in tatters, he becomes a local lifeguard. New York has gotten a hold of the pitch:

What if Michael Phelps' punishment for being caught with the smoking bong was a summer sentence as a lifeguard at a water park? Tyler Hartwell is about to find out. When America's up-and-coming swimming phenom falsely tests positive for steroids on the eve of his biggest race ever, he loses everything, including his agent, girlfriend, and sponsors - and is forced to spend an endless SoCal summer lifeguarding at Wet Dreams Water Park: The Wettest Place on Earth.

The pair go on to describe the film as a "cannonball of comedy" (in that it painfully blows your head off?), full of romance and intrigue and lots of jokes about people cumming in their pants in the still of the night. This can't possibly be the only Phelps/Weedgate script in the works, can it?

If you or anyone you know is also working on one, let us know.

*In South Carolina. Click to watch Cheech McWeedy spill.

• If Lindsay Lohan stole that $12,000 fur coat from 1Oak like Masha Markova claimed, the matter is settled and the lawsuit has been dropped. Lohan's not saying if she forked over any cash, or if the cash she forked over actually belonged to her, or why Markova's lawyer was missing his Rolex after the settlement meeting. [P6]
  
• Lohan's girlfriend Samantha Ronson did not like being surprised by Lohan at a club in Las Vegas, so she stormed off in a huff, causing Lohan to follow in a car, causing Lohan's sad bodyguard to sit on the curb in front of the club and contemplate how his life came to this. [P6]
  
• Confirmed: The Chris Brown-Rihanna duet has been recorded. It is "sweet and sentimental." The parodies won't be! [People]
  
• Rihanna went clubbing twice without Chris Brown to demonstrate her independence. You know what else would be independent? Testimony. [Hollyscoop]
  
• Michael Phelps confessed to Matt Lauer he'd made a "bad mistake" of... "you know." Oh, come on, admit it. What's a little South Carolina jail time between friends? [People]
• People might be punching their significant others in order to avoid being dropped from their reality shows. Exhibit A: Kelly Bensimon of Real Housewives of NYC. This trend should end well. [Gatecrasher]

You can never accuse Sheriff Leon Lott of not being able to ridicule the dopers!

So Monday, Lott took a few of those minutes - to ridicule the comedians, dopers and pundits who lampooned his probe of the gold medalist, shown in a newspaper photo with a marijuana bong at a Columbia party...

Despite talk of marijuana being harmless, he said, it can lead to other drugs and wasted lives. His best school friend began smoking it, became a trafficker and is dead, he said.

"Don't give that b.s., ‘it doesn't hurt anybody,' 'cause it does."

The local paper has a video but that photo really says it all. [The State via Inside Charm City]

The Olympian bong-sucker is touted in a brochure emailed to business executives as teaching lessons in how to achieve "HIGH PERFORMANCE." Heh. Here's how:

Prepare relentlessly, follow your discipline rigorously — and relax.

Phelps can offer some quality Do's and Dont's on how to relax, we'd imagine. "High" performance is a topic he might want to avoid, though. Maybe go with "Top" performance in the future, Mike.

Organizers of the forum might want to offer their own seminar on public relations: They prominently omit Phelps from Web pages listing top speakers at the event, apparently mentioning him only in the physical brochure. Given Phelps' likely-sky-high fee, that's not some random oversight.

(Thanks to the business tipster who emailed us the scan above, taken from the brochure.)

• Pregnant rapper M. I. A. did such a good job at the Grammys that Oscars show producers say they're desperate to book the overdue fresh-minted mom to perform "O Saya" from the excellent Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there." (UPDATE: Oh right, she finally had the kid. Sorry for calling you "twisted," Oscars producers!)
• To protect his reputation, Michael Phelps is hanging out in strip clubs. He figures no one can take his picture there. [Page Six]
• Justin Timberlake didn't literally beat away the models with a stick at Fashion Week, but it sounds like it almost came to that. Apparently it wasn't enough that he was making out furiously with Jessica Biel. Models can be dense. [Gatecrasher]
• Angelina Jolie might move to Manhattan. She was looking at a place in Washington Heights. They might already be remodeling the building for her. [Us]
• Jennifer Aniston might run into Jolie at the Oscars. Scientists have various theories on what will happen in the collision, and warn there's no way of knowing anything for certain in advance of the actual event. Goggles, as always, are recommended for onlookers. [OK!]
• Sarah Jessica Parker thinks the next Sex And The City movie will need to be "recession-friendly." Which sounds so implausible it gives us hope the recession might finally kill off the franchise, forever. [Us]
• MC Hammer finally got his own reality show, focusing on his life as a "new-age dad" in Oakland. A&E picked it up. [Hollywood Reporter]
• Guy Ritchie is pissed because he has to re-shoot various Sherlock Holmes scenes, because he was distracted by his divorce from Madonna. As though we all weren't distracted by his divorce from Madonna. [Sun]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suddenly not going to the Oscars, for some reason. Maybe so they can get some press when they do go to the Oscars. [OK!]

The Richland County (SC) sheriff who arrested the revelers has said that "we do not believe we have enough evidence to prosecute anyone that was present at the November party." A party during which Phelps and friends got blazed and then some narc took a picture. So justice has been done, except for whoever took that photo. They should still be strung up by their thumbs.

Phelps also handily managed not to get arrested at all during this whole kerfuffle. No, all he suffered was millions of dollars in endorsement money. So, um... win?

Here's the lengthy full statement from the sheriff, Leon Lott, in which he explains why he pursued any silly charges in the first place:

I had nothing to do with Michael Phelps coming to Columbia and making a bad decision. He did that. His bad decision and the highly published photo placed me and the Richland County Sheriff's Department in a no win situation. Ignore it and be criticized or address it and be criticized. I chose to do what was right. While to some it may not have been the most popular decision, it was and is the right decision because of the law and the negative impact it could have on our children in Richland County.

Michael Phelps is truly an American sports hero. I, along with the rest of America, cheered his victories and felt pride when he stood on the podium to receive his medals.

Even with his star status he is still obligated to obey the laws of our state. He is not immune from his responsibilities to do what is right. He is also human and can make a mistake.

I took an obligation in my oath as Sheriff to enforce the law equally and fairly without any personal bias or prejudice.

With Michael Phelps I had to remove his medals, his hero status, and look at him as any other person.

I felt it was important that he be treated fairly, equally and that a message be conveyed that illegal drug use is illegal by anyone.

Our investigation focused on the possession, use and distribution of illegal drugs in Richland County. The incident in November only initiated our investigation, which resulted in the arrests of adults who were at the time of their arrests in possession of illegal drugs. Contrary to some, this was not a special investigation or one that impacted our resources on other crimes. This was in fact a short investigation and simple investigation conducted by narcotics investigators whose sole responsibility is to investigate drug violations. The time and resources were quite minimal when compared to other drug investigations. In the time this investigation was being conducted we solved a murder, ATM robberies and numerous other crimes.

The house of the November party had previously been the subject of a drug case and other crimes. The related house in Irmo had also been the subject of a previous drug case. Both locations were the source of problems in our community.

The charges of those arrested in this investigation will be handled as we do in other similar type arrests.

As with any cop, my responsibility is to enforce the law, not to create it or ignore it. Marijuana in the state of South Carolina is illegal and I am obligated to enforce the law again equally, fairly and without personal bias. I would have been remiss in my duty as Sheriff if I would have ignored the November incident and subsequent drug violations we discovered during our investigation.

By ignoring the November incident, I would have been sending a message of tolerance and condoning the use of illegal drugs. I could not do that, nor have I ever done that. I would be a hypocrite in view of our extensive Drug Abuse Resistance Education (DARE) program that I have been active in for many years. How can we teach kids through DARE not to do drugs, and then look the other way if it is an important person?

Our message has to be loud, clear, and consistent, don't do drugs.

I have always advocated that we cannot arrest our way out of the drug problem. We must do it through enforcement and education such as the DARE program utilizes.

Having thoroughly investigated this matter, we do not believe we have enough evidence to prosecute anyone that was present at the November party.

Michael Phelps and I agree that something positive needs to come from this incident and that is a message of not using drugs.

He can speak on this issue from his perspective.

My perspective is that the law pertains to everyone and our drug laws are to be enforced.

My hope again is that we all take this incident and make something positive from it. Parents please take this opportunity to talk with your children about illegal drug use. During my 34 years in law enforcement I have seen lives and communities destroyed due to drugs. We all must work together to protect our children and our communities. Now is the time to educate our young people, the decisions they make today can impact them for the rest of their lives.

It seems that even in Sheriff Lott's home territory of Richland County, some people are saying this SWAT Team-style law enforcement action against any and all stoners who may have been connected to the infamous Olympic swimmer is "ridiculous" and a "waste of resources." This is serious police work, people!

Joseph McCulloch, a lawyer for one of the eight, said the deputies ordered one home's three occupants to the ground, seized computers, cellphones and cameras, and later questioned the three extensively about Mr. Phelps. Dick Harpootlian, who represents another of the arrested men, said deputies appeared to be interested primarily in gathering evidence against Mr. Phelps.

"All they asked him was, 'Were you at the party in November with Michael Phelps? Do you know where the bong is? Do you know who did see him?' " said Mr. Harpootlian. Neither attorney would name his client.

Once these cops track down that bong, they just might be able to prove that Michael Phelps smoked the marijuana—which could bring up to a $200 fine. So you see the necessity of the operation. Cut the man some slack.

Both supporters and adversaries said Mr. Lott, a former narcotics officer, was always more "Miami Vice" than "Smokey and the Bandit"

Not sure what that means. But what is sure: Sheriff Lott has already lost the support of Mario Cantone. This PR crisis is now critical. [WSJ]

"Blah blah China China China (repeat 87 times) support love regret blah blah," says Phelps. His revenge: he is totally blazed out of his gourd in this video.

• On Monday night, Hugh Grant is seen making out with Drew Barrymore at Waverly Inn. She later turns up at Beatrice alone. On Tuesday night, Grant makes out with two women at a Meatpacking District spot, then just up and walks out. He's either trying to prove something or trying to sexually frustrate himself.
• Los Angeles police are supposedly investigating whether Chris Brown has a long history of abusing Rihanna. Like, why did she wear that eye patch? [Sun]
• Brown's mom is still talking to him. And at least one cousin is defending him, saying, "it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it."
• In 1979, 20-year-old Madonna worked as a nude photo model for maybe $25. One of those pictures just sold for $38,000. [Mirror]
• Michael Phelps refuses to take $1 million for an interview, because that would be wrong. And also because it would, uh, endanger his $100 million in projected lifetime endorsements. [P6]
• Benazir Bhutto's niece Fatima, 26, is not sure whether to continue her secret affair with George Clooney, 47, by going to Hollywood as he requests, or be an actual political leader in Pakistan. What's a girl to do? [Mail]
• Do not look at this picture of the octuplet mom's distended belly from the height of her pregnancy. [TMZ]

(The petition seems to be from last week, but wouldn't you know, the kids didn't actually get around to emailing it out until today.)

NORML's protest will surely have devastating effects on the cereal business, at least once the chips run out. "Tell them that you oppose their decision to drop Michael Phelps," NORML instrusts, "and that, as a result of their actions, you will not be purchasing any Kellogg's related products for the next three months (or until the company decides to reinstate the Phelps as their spokesperson)." Three months! That'll teach 'em.

Here is what they recommend you send to the Kellogg's corporation:

"Hi, my name is _____________ and I'm a frequent consumer of Kellogg's products.

Nearly one out of two Americans has used marijuana. This includes tens of thousands of prominent, highly successful Americans - including our current President. Michael Phelps should not be stigmatized nor condemned for private behavior that he, and millions of others, engage in.

The majority of the public, as well as those in the media, are standing behind Michael Phelps and so am I. I will no longer be purchasing Kellogg's brand products until your company reverses its decision and reinstates Michael Phelps as your spokesperson."

Just make sure to sign your missive "Dave" so Kellogg's can write back "Dave's not here, man."