All the Single Men
By Betsey Morgenstern

Celebrities, fashion, and me on the red carpet. No, silly, no one wants to scream my name and take my picture while I walk down it, I was on the other side of the velvet rope with my tape recorder last night at the New York premier of A Single Man, the hotly anticipated new movie by director Tom Ford. After interviewing all the celebrities, my name was not on the list to actually get into the screening. I tried to tell them that I was definitely on the list and showed them an email that says I was, but apparently that trick doesn't work anymore. I never got to see the movie. It's about some straight guy who does it with Julianne Moore.

I did get into the afterparty at Graydon Carter's super exclusive midtown hot spot, Monkey Bar. I only had to give the doorman half of an eightball and a little bit of my dignity, but it was well worth the price of admission. Let's see who I met along the way.

A Single Man star Colin Firth is getting lots of Oscar buzz for his debut role. I asked him what it was like to star in his first movie.

"What are you talking about, I've been in lots of movies," he laughed. "But really this felt like the first movie I ever did, because the director Tom Ford did such an excellent job getting a powerful performance out of me. It was like I was back in acting school again. It's his first movie, you know."

"Don't say that just because you're trying to make yourself look better. Name one movie you've been in."

"I've been in tons. Did you see Mama Mia! or Love Actually or Nanny McPhee. Oh, wait, no one saw Nanny McPhee. My wife, Livia, still hasn't forgiven me for taking her to the premiere. But she really loves these things, don't you dear?"

"Oh yes, I do," the glowing Livia said. "I'm not really good at talking to reporters, though."

"That's funny," I replied. "You're on Glee. You guys must be talking to lots of reporters right now. Oh, and I loved when you did "Defying Gravity." That's my favorite song!"

"Colin, honey, what is this little girl talking about?"

Padma Lakshmi was looking resplendent in a gown that perfectly hid the baby bump that she has been sporting in recent months. Way to let the ruffles do all the work.

I walked up to her and asked if she and Tom Colicchio had the nursery all ready for their little bundle of joy.

"Um, Tom and I don't live together," she said very, very slowly.

"That's going to be a little awkward for the baby. How are you going to explain that mommy and daddy don't live together?"

"He's not the father, if you'll excuse..."

"Who's the father, Padma? Who is it? Is it Toby Young? Why are you cheating on Tom? Padma, come back, I have questions!"

As I was chasing after the Top Chef hostess, the step and repeat start to shake violently and make a noise like thunderclaps in a shanty town. We could hear someone moaning in a distinctly British accent. "Oh Terry. Yes. This is what I came here for. Come on. Smack my ass. Again, like you mean it."

It sounded just like that time I was on a porn set (Full disclosure, for a story I was writing about female pornstars, I once costarred in a movie for Digital Underground. It was only research. Yes, research!). We couldn't see anything other than the backdrop billowing about. After about 45 seconds, it stopped, and out crawled photographer Terry Richardson and Jimmy Choo honcho Tamara Mellon.

All the media started shouting "Terry. Tamara. What just happened?" They didn't say anything, Terry just gave us the thumbs up and Tamara just laughed. What could have been happening? Looks like it will have to remain a mystery.

"Hey, mister. I love your Andy Warhol wig."

"Thanks little lady, who are you?"

"I'm Betsey, who are you?"

"I'm Nick Rhodes."

"Oh, that's, um, great. Who do you play in the movie?"

"You don't know who I am, do you?"

"No, I'm so sorry, I don't. I usually know all the celebrities, but..."

"I was in Duran Duran."

"Is that a TV show?"

"Ack. No. What is wrong with you girl?"

"Well, thanks for talking to me Mr. Rose."

"It's Rhodes. R-H-O-D-E-S."

"OK. Sure. Whatever."

I was going to talk to Gina Gershon, but she looked at me just like this and I backed away. Even I knew better than to mess with that...

That's when I ran into Olivia Palermo with a very strapping young gentleman.

"Hey Olivia, who is this?"

"This is my boyfriend Johannes. Who are you?"

"Oh, that's such an exotic name, Johannes. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Germany. Who are you?"

"Well, you're very handsome. Why aren't you on The City with Olivia?"

"I'm a model. I model. Olivia doesn't want me in the way when she's at work. She has a very important job at Elle and I would just get in the way. She is so great at picking out accessories, she told me to wear this scarf. Do you like my scarf?"

"Oh, I love your scarf. It's so, big and...blue. I want you to use it to tie me the bed post. I don't live that far from here if you want to...."

"Um, are you you hitting on my boyfriend right in front of me?" Olivia started to yell.

"I, uh, I gotta go. Oh, look, it's Madonna. Hey, Madonna"

I followed Madonna all the way to the party, because I do not need Olivia Palermo coming after me. If you have ever watched The City, you will know how much she loves confrontation almost as much as she loves hip hop!

When we got there, her Magesty—who was at the screening all alone—sat down at a table with the director Tom Ford. I came up and asked her what she was wearing. "Ferragamo," she said and then turned back to Ford. Didn't she see I was trying to talk to her?

"Where's Jesus tonight? Did you trade up for an older model?" I asked.

She gave me this look that would have set an orphanage full of African babies on fire. "Who is this girl?" Madonna asked.

"My name's Betsey, I'm your biggest fan, and I want to know when you and Tom Ford started dating."

"Dating?" Ford said with a little giggle, in an flagrant attempt to divert me from the real gossip here. "My husband is right over there."

"What are you talking about, Madonna doesn't have a husband."

"No, you stupid girl. He's my husband. Why do you think I'm dating Madonna? Which tabloid do you work for, because they need to fire you."

"I think it's a pretty legitimate question," I said, with my pen still on my notebook.

"I'm getting security," Ford said as he got up.

I leaned over the table and whispered, "I love you," to Madonna and then ran off to the ladies' room. Ford would never go near that.

When leaving the toilet, I walked past Julianne Moore, one of the stars of the movie and Rita Wilson, Tom Hanks wife, said "No, he's really only this tall. That's why Katey can't wear heels when she goes out in public with him." Juliane thought this was hysterical and let out a huge bleat of laughter. Ellen Barkin was not amused. "I don't think Tom Cruise is short. He was quite charming when he took me to the Sociologist center."

"Don't you mean Scientology?" Rita shot back.

"Why do you have to take everything so seriously, Ellen," Julianne said. "God, have another martini and chill out."

After witnessing that little conversation, I turned around to see that Courtney Love was back together with her ex-boyfriend. You know, the one who was in that '90s band that was really popular. Oh, you know who I'm talking about. I walked up and congratulated them.

Courtney just continued to rub his belly, and it quickly became clear that she would not be speaking. She just sort of hummed and looked like she was going to fall over, but her loving man kept tugging her up by the back of her dress.

He sort of smirked blankly and I said, "Well, I'll leave you two alone. I hope you write some songs for her new album. I loved the last ones you did for her."

Then he seemed interested. "I don't think I've ever written a song for Courtney."

"Yes, you did. On Hole's second album. Didn't you cowrite a bunch of those songs."

"No. Why would you think that."

"Because you were so big in the '90s and dated Courtney and you had that huge 'Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage' song."

"That wasn't me, that was Billy Corgan, you stupid bitch."

"Well, I'm sorry. Does that mean you're not dating Courtney?"

"If I wasn't lugging around 110 pounds of stoned rocker, I would smack you in the face."

With the threat of violence from some '90s rocker, it was time to go back to the open bar for another drink. While making my way across the room, I spotted her, the holy grail of all celebrity sightings: Anna Wintour. I was about to go introduce myself, when Tom Ford came running over.

"That is Anna Wintour, do not talk to her. If you upset her, she can still ruin my career, even though I'm not in fashion anymore. I'm not letting you mess this up for me," she spat through his clenched jaw as he dragged me toward the front door.

"Wait, I didn't get my drink!" I yelled back, but I was already out front where Courtney Love was trying to light a cigarette and mumbling to herself. "Hey Courtney, wanna split a cab?"

• There's lots of winners to the pending Tolkien - New Line 100 million dollar settlement, reports The Reporter's Hollywood Esquire. Nerds will finally get to see Peter Jackson and Guillermo Del Toro's planned two Hobbit films get rolling. The charities that are supported by the Tolkien trust should see a flood of cash. And most important, Warners legal department will get rid of a decade long mess in what became "one the of the most-litigated franchises in movie history." Hollywood Esq blames the debacle on the super-aggressive legal postures of former New Line Chiefs Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne, who's strategy of underpaying partners sparked a parade of suits. [THR]

• Despite fierce opposition from the President's Address to the Joint Session of Boring, Hollywood can rejoice its first moderate hit of the fall TV season. Fox's Glee premiered very respectably, the first green shoots for the survival of media. In its debut, first non-pilot episode, Fox's singing dramedy drew in approximately 7.3 million viewers. The season openers of So You Think You Can Dance and America's Next Top Model earned respectable 6.5 million and 3.2 million overall. Of the networks airing the Obama speech, NBC was on top with 8.2 million viewers. [Variety]

• The major networks have joined forces in a coalition to attempt to create a new ratings system that will take on traditional giant Nielsen. The announcement indicated the coalition will develop a system that takes into account viewing across platforms. [THR]

• Sharon Waxman calls the Toronto Festival, which opens tonight, "a litmus test on the evolving state of serious cinema and its prospects for survival." With the recent meltdown of independent film distributors, the onus will be on Toronto to demonstrate what comes next in the distribution of grown-up movies. [The Wrap]

• Warner Brothers has reorganized its DC Comics wing into DC Entertainment. The new arm will attempt to get the legions of DC heroes trapped in development hell — including Wonder Woman and Green Lantern - up and ready for the their close-ups. [Variety]

• Michael Stipe's Single Cell Productions and Tom Hanks' Playtone have joined forces to to develop a romantic comedy that will exploit the song catalogue of iconic singer/songwriter Barry Manilow. [Variety]

Coming out of the heterosexual closet can be a real toughie these days, considering the popularity of all those Lance Bass/Ellen Degeneres covers that outsell all the covers in the land. But we, along with Stipe, applaud Mills for his daring proclamation, and totally understand why he couldn't quite bring himself to share his straightness with the world himself. (Sarcasm aside, did anyone else nearly orgasm when Stipe giggled at the end? Girl, boy, straight, gay, that man is a dish.)

• PEOPLE VIDEO EXCLUSIVE: REM'S MICHAEL STIPE SPEAKS OUT [People.com]

i hate my blog, i hate my interviews

i need to start not making sense in interviews

instead of sounding like an ass all the time

the blogosphere is scary, i feel hated, it feels bad

the internet is not the calm place of fun and relaxation it used to be

when i played text-based multi-player role-playing games

and sold diablo ii items on ebay [Reader of Depressing Books]

emily: *ARDEN!!!

doree: arrrrrden

doree: maybe we should discuss her first

emily: Well here is how my conversation with her went

emily: First I explained to her what Gawker is
and then a waitress came by with a tray of gougeres and Arden took three of them in a napkin "for her pregnant friend upstairs"

doree: oh those little fried things?

emily: So I was left talking to Arden's business partner

doree: those were delish.

emily: They were good but too salty I thought
Maybe I just got a salty one.
You know what was really excellent? Those little beef carpaccio roll ups

doree: yes, those beef carpaccio things were excellent.
i also enjoyed the cheese boards.
but, sorry
arden!

emily: ARDEN!

doree: she is very skinny.

emily: Great tits.

doree: small, but perky

doree: but no ass.

emily: You're a lesbian. Anyway, I asked her business partner "Business partner? What kind of business?"

emily: and she said, "MOVIES!"
I'm all, "ohhh."
Then Arden came back and pouted about the fact that we had posted pictures of her smoking weed, and said that her Dad had seen them

doree: deb schoeneman told me that arden has been going out in new york for 15 years
and also that it's because her parents took her everywhere.
so really, should it have been such a surprise to her dad?

emily: Good point! Well, do you want to hear the story behind that photo?

doree: YES

emily: "My parents went to St. Barts. And, like, I didn't go. It was over Halloween. I mean, Thanksgiving. And I was hanging out with my friend Jen who is a publicist for the Maritime Hotel. And I was like 'I don't really feel like drinking, but sure, I'll smoke some pot'"

doree: oh, poor Arden.

emily: "That was the last time I smoked pot."
(later)
"Actually, I've smoked pot since then."

doree: sigh

emily: I tried to reassure her that it was okay!
I'm like "I have smoked pot 100,000,000 times since Thanksgiving. It's fine."

doree: yes. though, that doesn't explain the necklace around her head
she had some 20s flapper thing going on.

emily: On her Socialite Rank thing she says that head jewelry is one of her favorite things, so I guess that is the explanation?
I think it suits her.
Who was the most fun person you talked to?

doree: hmm!

emily: Adam Moss hands down, right?
j/k

doree: heh.

doree: well, i ran from laurel touby.

emily: Ha!
why?

doree: her fishnets were scaring me

emily: Scary hair too. She is all "this scrunchie is a 25 cent facelift"

doree: oh god
at one point
she and her husband ran over to the table where they'd put down their stuff
because they were afraid someone else might sit there

emily:Well, seating was very hard to come by

doree: like, they had been watching it from across the room.
then sit there!
you know?

emily:remember we had to keep crouching down so that Michael Stipe's friends would stop being like "AHEM"

doree: HA
totally
and pregnant lady

emily:Even during the commercials!

doree: she was very concerned.
because they were IN the commercials

emily: Oh you mean Sarah Sophie Flicker?
Oh! Yeah, that was it

doree: that diet coke commercial
someone was all, "THIS IS MY COMMERCIAL"

emily: hahahaha. brag about it some more!

doree: right??
also, everyone upstairs thought ellen's jokes were way funny
like, uproariously so.

emily: they are all lesbians too i guess. like you!!
ok, and me
i am the one who said arden had nice tits in the first place.

doree: um, yes.
but it's ok
lesbians are the new bisexuals.

emily: that's what i keep hearing!
well I was very starstruck by my conversation with Michael Stipe

doree: i was too starstruck to even talk to him

emily: he was sad because once apparently Gawker said that he smelled bad.

doree: aw
did he?

emily: He smelled good, in a delightful sort of hippie way

doree: aw
remember when he asked you what you think of Dirt?

emily: he smelled like the interior of a store where they would sell crystals and dreamcatchers.

doree: there was a store like that in my hometown.

emily: was it called, like, Enchanting Oddments?

doree: it was called horai-san

emily: I feel that michael is an enchanting oddment. I hope he thinks our lives are like Courtney Cox's on that show.

doree: i think he does!

emily: HORAI SAN? oh god.

doree: yes! all faux-asian
ha
did you talk to the queer eye guy?

emily: Ted Allen! YES.

doree: oh THAT'S his name.

emily: I actually had a good question for him.
remember when there was that rumor that Padma Lakshmi, Salman Rushdie wife and Top chef host (ha, sorry) smoked oodles of weed on set?

doree: oh yes

emily: (i love how pot themed all my questioning was, now that i think about it)

doree: HM!

emily: well he was a guest judge on top chef

doree: ahh

emily: so i asked him about the rumors.
he was like (long pause)
"Ohhh . . . there are rumors about that?"

doree: oh, brilliant

emily: (very long pause)
"Well all I will say is that Padma is talented and beautiful and a true foodie."

doree: i hate that word foodie

emily: really? it does kind of sound like what it is though.
a precious word for a precious type of person

doree: ha, true

emily: also ted thinks that Sam should have won top chef.
I am one of like three people who cares, but it is my duty to report this.

(CONTINUED!

Team Party Crash: New York Magazine Oscar Party [photos]

[Ed Note.: Yes, these are usually called Team Party Crash. But guess what? We were fucking invited! By a publicist no less! Eww! What's the world coming to?]