• Hey there, Michael Lohan. You again? Yes, you again. Apparently, Lohan tried to get money for tapes where one could heard recorded conversations of himself, Dina, and Lindsay. Apparently, they were not worth the $100,000 asking price he wanted for them, because, you know, for one thing, you can get that kind of thing for free. And for another: even the Nixon Tapes didn't go for $100,000, as close as a phone call between Michael and Dina Lohan comes to the Nixon Tapes, I still don't see them going for a cool hundo grand. Naturally, this came with a denial:

  Michael told us that a six-figure demand for the tapes "was a complete lie," but when asked if he was paid for his interview, he said, "That's in the hands of my lawyers. They deal with that." He insisted, "This isn't about money or getting paid, it's about saving my daughter."

  But Zombie Radar says Lohan wanted money, they turned him down, and he gave them the tapes for "exposure." So, yes, Michael Lohan taped conversations of himself, Dina, and LiLo, and is trying to sell them for money under the guise of helping his own daughter and thus, his celebrity. If you haven't received it, your Father of the Year: Long Island District trophy is on the way, and you've now made nationals. Keep truckin', Michael. Also, I feel greasy just looking at your picture. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rihanna will not accept your offers of $10,000 bubbly wine, peasant strangers. She only drinks from the kind offerings of the Benevolent Sir Jay-Z, except when Beyonce is around, because Beyonce probably wants you to go away worse than Chris Brown does. Anyway. Rihanna refused a bottle of pricy bubbly from Braylon "I've Made It My Life's Mission To Savagely Fuck Up Foster's Fantasy Season Three Years In A Row" Edwards of the New York Jets because she didn't know who he was. You don't? You should! He's famous. Famously terrible. Also, this last sentence of the item:

  Also at the club was Mickey Rourke entertaining his girlfriend's mother from Russia.

  Wuuhhhhaaaatttt? [Page Six]
  
  

• Now that the revelation that he had one is out there, we've learned: Andre Agassi was absolutely terrified of his hairpiece going "rogue" as the New York Post put it. What does that even mean? It'd root for Pete Sampras? Or it'd start watching Suddenly Susan? [Page Six]
  
  
• Ha. Interview publisher Peter Brant's ex-wife, Stephanie Seymour, is looking hot. And Vanity Fair decided to rub it in his face by doing a photo spread of her, and Page Six took it a step further by writing the item, and I think Interview sucks, so you know, here we are. Peter Brant, your ex-wife is smokin'. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, there's some British woman named Katherine Jenkins who we're supposed to care about, according to the British Tabloid Press? She's coming to America, I have no idea who she or why this matters. We're looking into whether or not we should give a shit at press time. All other questions can be referred to my publisher. Thank you. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does it surprise you that Shawn Wayans is a good dad and makes his kids laugh when they're crying? It does not surprise me. Damon Wayans, on the other hand... [Page Six]
  
  
• Anna Wintour said something nice about somebody getting a job and it's in Page Six. Enjoy. Savor, even. [Page Six]
  
  
• Message From Paris, to America: "You suck, you dumb, declasse morons. Also, stop ruining nightlife. Also, Jerry Lewis for President." [Page Six]
  
  
• Sarah Jessica Parker admits in an interview that she loves the smell of wet diapers. Ergo, shit. Which explains working on Sex and the City for so long. [NYDN]
  
  
• Please, Rihanna, please stop talking about how Chris Brown beat you, says Chris Brown. Please Chris Brown, go back to the cave from whence you came and kindly shut the fuck up, says the world. [NYDN]
  
  
• HA. TLC's advertisers were beginning to complain about Jon Gosselin's behavior before they shut down the show. What, stomping around France with the Ed Hardy guy is bad for TLC? They should've just made a show about that and called it something like "Men? Hardly." Whee! [NYDN]
  
  
• America's Sweetest Homophobe Carrie Prejan has a sex tape, and her mother saw it. Karma, hello. [TMZ]
  
  
• TMZ's celebrating their fourth birthday by feeding a bunch of celebrity children Columbian Grade-A Coke and filming them talking about their parents. No, I made that up. Happy 4th Birthday, TMZ! Harvey Levin, you're a charmer. [TMZ]

And...this will be an interesting day. It already is. Wake up, get your dancing shoes on. But stay seated and keep clicking on things. But don't stop #ChairDancing. Seriously! Don't. Learn from Spike Jonze:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Stephanie Pratt was busted for a DUI. I woke up late again. Are you surprised on either account? [TMZ]
  
  
• Roman Polanski got removed from Swiss jail for an unknown medical condition (it's probably "I Wanna Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge-itis"). I know this is where I'm supposed to be like I HOPE THEY PUT A SCALPEL UP HIS ASS but (A) honestly I'll save that for the mob rule and (B) they'd probably use a tiny corkscrew instead. Get it? [NYDN]
  
  
• Two books are being written about Mickey Rourke, and both of them detail how he's completely obsessed with the mafia and being a mafia groupie. Apparently, he was hanging out with John Gotti in 1996 when Gotti was arrested, but, uh, wait. There are two separate books being written about Mickey Rourke? The fact that two separate publishers gave the go-ahead for two separate books about Rourke is kind of incredible. Someone should write a book about that. [NYP]
  
  
• OH MY GODDDDD Rush and Molloy, the Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team who front the New York Daily News' Sunday gossip page, have yet again set their moose and squirrel sights on the most boring possible scoop: Michael Jackson's shady doctor of death, Conrad Murray, is looking for a book deal. (A) No shit and (B) who cares? More about the "tragic" ending of The Hills, plz. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan can't tell the difference between a cake shaped like a giant perfume bottle and a giant perfume bottle. I would try to explain how we came to this breaking news, but the anecdote's so patently ridiculous I can actually feel the weight of my cranium lighten having just toasted a few brain cells by reading it. To think, I could've used those on glue. [Page Six]
  
  
• Again, Daily News, really, you guys are lacking in the gossip department on the weekends. Ben Widdicombe, where you at, son? I'm only here two days a week. [Oh, that's right, he quit like, last April or something, but I wouldn't know that because who gives a shit about the NYDN gossip pages any more when Boris and Natasha are your big show?] Anyway: "Michael Jackson's children thrive in more normal childhood after life with King of Pop dad." You're joking, right? This is a headline? They could live in the New Museum and they'd have a more normal life than they did with Dad. Jesus.[NYDN]
  
  
• Penn Badgley has ten secrets the Daily News has "uncovered." He didn't graduate high school, he likes tequila, he forgets the words to the National Anthem, America's Best Dance Crew is his guilty pleasure, and he hates L.A. No, I'm serious, there're five more where that came from, and I'm not clicking over to read them. Thank you, New York Daily News, for basically describing most of America, including me. Unless the next five are "he enjoys huffing paint, molesting animals who're just a few inches too big for the petting zoo, can shove an entire Slinky up his ass, will beat me in backgammon, and plays the vacuum a la Jon Fishman," I could really care less. [NYDN]
  
  
• This is awesome: Shia LaDouche didn't show up for the New York, I Love You premiere and it's being blamed on mean old cokeface Oliver Stone not letting him out to go to the premiere while shooting Wall Street 2. They then note that Scarlett Johansson didn't go, either, because her segment was cut out of the film. Whoops! But you know who those suckers missed? the Post goes on to ask. No guys, please, tell us. Let's make them jealous: "They missed Cloris Leachman, director Mira Nair (who's helming the upcoming "Amelia"), Rocco DiSpirito, Peter Facinelli and porn star Savanna Samson." BAHHHHHAHAHA [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Allen is now shamelessly casting the world's hottest women and doesn't give a fuuuhhhck what you think about it. Not only is he putting them in movies, but he got Penelope an Oscar, suckers, and he did it in Spain by putting her in a suggested threesome with ScarJo and Javy Bardy. Beat that. Now he wants to make a movie starring Andriana Lima in Rio. Okay, the last few we understand, but just because Adriana Lima's been on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and one of Ugly Betty does not mean you should put her at the front of your new movie, Woody (and yes, truly: Woody). To balance out her skill you're going to have to cast F. Murray Abraham as her love interest, or something. Which I'd pay $10 to see. [Page Six]
  
  
• This Page Six item begins: "Now that "The Hills" is coming to a tragic end, its stars are busy promoting themselves to find new gigs." What the shit? A "tragic end"? Is this like the end of Dead at 21 where they all just fizzle out or get killed by the shadow (Reptilian, obvi) government? What the hell have I been missing on that show? Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bloomberg is Turning Japanese! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM, BAM BAM BAM, BAM! EEEEE! [Page Six]
  
  
• New Yorkers, this one's for you: Vincent Kartheiser and one of the other guys from Mad Men—I don't know who it was, I don't watch that show, because nothing ever happens on it—were seen eating at DBGB, which just scored (a low) two stars from the new New York Times dining critic Sam Sifton, who we need to kidnap in the middle of the night with Adam Platt and Jay "Six Shooter" Cheshes and Ryan Sutton and get him really shitfaced at the Cherry Tavern and make him eat everything off the value menu at McDonalds at the end of the night. Hazing! It happens! The dude's too soft, let's toughen that pussy up! Anyway, the only other important thing you need to know about this item is that Vincent Kartheiser was in the massively underrated Larry Clark movie, Another Day In Paradise, which also starred James Woods saying "fuck" or some kind of variant of it every three seconds and Melanie Griffith being punched in the face by James Woods (this is the most epic moment in the film). I kid you not. Watch it, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• A little girl helped Pamela Anderson carry around the train of her dress at a party because she had asked Anderson if she could, and a bunch of downer assholes like me are being all like, ohhhh, what a biiiiitch, I can't believe she's promoting child labor, Godddddd. But that's a dumb joke and honestly it's really cute that Anderson would let a kid do this. See! We're not all bad! The funny thing is that Tommy Lee's now going to try to get someone to hold up his three foot dong for him whenever he pisses and hopefully it won't be a kid. Seriously, though, you can get some great intern candidates for that kind of thing coming out of the ACC schools. [Page Six]

And oh, what the hell? Good morning, everyone! This day's going to be wonderful. Please sing along:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

1. In the nerd equivalent of heaven, James Cameron and Peter Jackson attended their first Comic-Con, and did a panel together where they talk about the future of film-making and Jackson reveals that a script for The Hobbit, his Lord of the Rings prequel, will be finished in a month. [Zap2It]

2. Lost isn't known for parting with information easily, but they did have some good tidbits at their panel. Characters Juliet and Daniel Faraday will be back for the final season. Also in season six: no more time travel, the return of Charlie and Boone, the backstory for the enigmatic Richard Alpert, and some allusions to what may be alternate timelines. Damn, that shit makes our brain hurt. [EOnline]

3. Warner Bros. tried to roll out the new Patricia Heaton comedy The Middle at their Mom-A-Con. No one showed for the counter programming. Everyone said, "Mom, stop embarrasing me!" [THRFeed]

4. Hayden Panettiere is going to get some girl-on-girl action for the new season of Heroes. Yeah, cause that is what is going to fix this show. [io9]

5. Two scenes from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon, were screened. Lots of girls screamed. [CelebrityCafe]

6. Iron Man 2 is going to fucking rule. Fans were excited by footage that shows Samuel L. Jackson's return as Nick Fury, Mickey Rourke playing new villain Whiplash, and a bunch of awesome special effects. Robert Downey Jr, director Jon Favreau, and new additions Scarlett Johannson (who plays sexy spy Black Widow) and Don Cheadle (replacing Terrence Howard) were all in attendance. That's either an A-List Comic-Con panel or a night at The Waverly Inn. [EW]

7. Ok, Iron Man gets two entries because the sequel is laying the foundation for Marvel's much anticipated (among comic geeks) Avengers movie (not the crappy Uma Thurmond one, this one has Captain American and shit). [EOnline]

8. We haven't seen the last of Battlestar Galactica, Edward James Olmos' career to continue. [io9]

9. You're probably not going to see Family Guy's "Abortion Episode," at least on the air, but it will probably be on DVD. What? Fox suddenly has standards? [LAT]

10. Alien invasion drama Vis back and the geeks love it. Is there anything left from the '80s for us to bring back? Alf, maybe? [THRFeed]

Oddly named actor Cylk Cozart has signed on to direct Sandy Creek Girls, about a Nebraska high school's girls basketball team. Cozart will also play a role, alongside a cast of notable damned souls such as Brian Austin Green, Tiny Lister, Dean Cain, and the ultimate in Hollywood will-o'-the-wisps, Jonathan Lipnicki. One can only assume that they're all going to play high school girl basketball players. [Variety]

At Cannes, Sony Pictures Classics has acquired distribution rights to Michael Haneke's The White Ribbon, a creeper about a boarding school. Right now the general buying climate seems mild, with some eager to see smaller pictures by Ken Loach and Grant Heslov, but nothing big sticking out. Though it's only the third day. [Variety]

Mickey Rourke is set to star in a remake of the 1980's British crime flick Mona Lisa, possibly alongside former Bond girl Eva Green. Larry Clark, who made the disturbingly entertaining Bully a while back (as well as Kids), is attached to write and direct. Doesn't sound too high profile for the recent awards darling. But, you know, it's something. [Variety]

Oh... good? The not-so-good seeming New York, I Love You has been given a release date by Vivendi. On October 16th you can rush out to the theaters to see New York shorts directed by the likes of Natalie Portman and Brett Ratner. Terrif. [Variety]

Two new shows—the ugh-inducing Melrose Place reboot and the, um, ugh-inducing Vampire Diaries—have both been given permission to begin staffing by the CW. So it looks like they're going to air. The ghostly specter that is the Gossip Girl spinoff? Still awaiting word on whether they'll be picked up for midseason. Ouch. [THR]

Wonderful! Another show about rich, entitled little shitty teenagers. This one is called Gigantic and it's going to be on the N and it's about the children of celebrities and poor Marti Noxon, of Buffy, has co-created it. Sigh. [THR]

Oh, and Scrubs is coming back on ABC. [THR]

• So back whenever Jennifer Aniston was still a peasant she was working as a waitress and she broke up with some guy she was dating and he was totally heartbroken so he brought his mom to the restaurant and got down on one knee and begged her to take him back and Jennifer told him to go eat a bag of dicks. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Magical twatwaffle Criss Angel allegedly stole some guy's cat in Vegas and now the law is getting involved. [Page Six]
  
  
• US Weekly's "body language expert" says that Kate Gosselin is probably boning her bodyguard, something like eighteen times a day. It's just crazy! [US Weekly]
  
  
• Why the hell would an accused south Florida madam allow herself to be seen hanging around with the likes of Paris Hilton and Mickey Rourke? Beats me! [The Juice]
  
  
• Ryan O'Neal says he wishes Farrah will just go to sleep and not wake up. [Daily News]
  
  
• The crazy lady who allegedly set John Ratzenberger's car on fire speaks! [Radar]
  
  
• Bruce Jenner's new face looks exactly like his old face...fucking creepy! [Dlisted]
  
  
• Oh wait, maybe Lindsay Lohan's house was broken into after all! [E Online]
  
  
• Gerard Butler faces six months in jail for beating up a paparazzi guy. [Dlisted]
  
  

As always, you can buy this masterpiece on Ebay.

[Previously in 'Dan Lacey Paints Your Suggestions': Rush the Hutt, Octomom's Crucifixion, and S&M Goat.]

• Something about Mickey Rourke, we have no idea what, makes crazy women want to sex and marry him. First it was area lunatic Bai Ling, now it's some Russian model/actress named Irson Kudikova. She claims that the two are dating and going to marry and then they will have space motorcycle ruble babies and it will forever rain hats and matchsticks and the Tsars will return, glorious. [P6]
• Frankie Delgado, that little skunk snake who slither-pawed around The Hills for awhile, is trying to use battered and bruised singer Rihanna for his own wicked devices. After they were spotted chatting at some drafty LA scene spot, he fed tabloids lies about Ri dancing on tables and stuff. He also said that he's secretly in the CIA and that his dad is away on secret spy assignment in the "Mibble East," not just living in Los Feliz with that lady Wendy who smells like pine needles, like his mean older brother told him. [P6]
• A crazy drunken lady was yelled at by Ricky Martin after she stumbled up to him at a Miami nightclub and repeatedly and loudly requested that he "shake [his] bon bon." Eventually Ricky and his (all male!) pack of friends moved over to the other side of the bar. In related news, your mom had a great vacation. She met Ricky Martin! [NYDN]
• Save the Children, a charitable organization whose mission is unclear, has issued a very, very important statement saying that the Madonna-witch, a nefarious pile of sticks and hair stuffed into a jumpsuit, ought not to make off with adopt another child from Malawi. Currently the calcium deposit wearing a hat has its eye on a poor innocent tyke ironically named Mercy. Save the Children says "it doesn't help to take one child out of an orphanage to a huge palace and buy them a pony." And they're right. If by "huge palace" they mean "crumbling cottage in the deepest, darkest wood" and by "buy them a pony" they mean "pluck out their eyeballs and grind them into sausage." [NYDN]
• Speaking of baby snatching, ugly old woman Giselle Bundchen has claimed that the child of her husband, noted American hero Tom Brady, is "100% mine." She says she gets that the kid like already has a momz and all (poor scorned she-devil Bridget Moynahan), but it doesn't matter. She thinks of the foundling as hers. At press time, a group of ten or so men, upon hearing the news, were camped outside the supermodel's West Village apartment, wearing diapers and oversized bonnets, shaking rattles. [VF]
• Like a revisionist production of Romeo & Juliet set in a deep fryer, pop Lusitania Britney Spears is being kept apart from her true love, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Reportedly Britney's dad (and legal caretaker) found a letter, written by Spears, saying "My dad can't keep us apart if I have a baby with you." Luckily for everyone involved the "stamp" was just a "Date Due By" stamp Spears had absentmindedly taken from the library and the envelope was addressed to "Ex Boyfriend, A road somewhere, In the next few days or so." Early reports are also coming in that the return address was simply a crudely-drawn picture of a cat playing Nintendo. [Showbiz Spy]
• Her plan worked. Nadya Suleman is said to be finally getting some attention from her separated-at-astral-birth soul-sister Angelina Jolie. The actress may be considering sending some money to the tabloid star mother of fourteen. When Suleman heard the news, she was apparently so excited she threw a baby out the window, shrieked for awhile, set the house on fire, and fell over dead. So, problem solved! Nice work, Jolie. [Showbiz Spy]

Rourke headed to Midtown, where he was photographed anyway. The Sun headline: "Mickey Dork."

(Pics: INF)

1. Picks his new traveling companion, Jaws.
2. Leaves LA, snazzy suits behind.
3. Signs up for Stallone movie. Sells out.

Yep.

Somehow we were imagining a more artful finish to his Oscar letdown. Maybe, he'd follow up The Wrestler with another heart-wrenching turn in a small indie film that cements his position as one of our Greatest Actors. Unfortunately, Iron Man 2 ins-and-outs aside, it looks like Rourke is going the sell-out route: joining up with Sylvester Stallone in his next action flick The Expendables, which has an all-star cast that's an odd consortium of A-List and D-List, including Dolph Lungdren, Ben Kingsley, and Jet Li.

The two were spotted in L.A. a few days after the Oscars having tea together, which seems sort of wrong. Mickey Rourke and Sylvester Stallone should be drinking Everclear straight out of the bottle and giving each other shots of Human Growth Hormone, not sipping tea.

Anyway, that's not the Stallone movie that makes us sad. (I should point out I have inexplicable reserves of love for Mickey, so Mickey if you're reading this, consider this tough love): It's the possibility that the wrestler will be slumming it in Rambo V.

We understand a man's gotta eat, but isn't it possible to star as a villain in something a bit cooler, like say a Bourne thriller, instead of Rambo? Or even a part in Rocky would be better. Oh, wait…

Points of contention:

-They didn't like it when Mickey Rourke tore up the Iranian flag during that final battle scene in The Wrestler. (Because "pro" wrestling is totally real, and that guy, the Ayatollah, was a true-to-life depiction, too.)

-Hated 300 because it made their ancestors look bloodthirsty (we can only infer that the other guys were comparatively nicer? Huh?)

Well, their feelings are hurt and they want you to kiss their boo-boo.

Seriously, isn't this sort of like when, during the making of The Godfather, the Italian mobsters formed a little group called the Italian-American Civil Rights League that tried to promote the idea that not all Italians are bloodthirsty mobsters in bad suits? Riiight.

We think they might be overreacting just a tad in these particular cases. I mean, really. Think about how the Palestinians felt when they saw Rob Schneider in You Don't Mess With the Zohan.

Meanwhile, another prominent, if less lauded, Hollywood star and ardent wrestling fan has become a very different kind of WWE casualty. Finding himself with some free time on his hands ever since Delgo failed to make him the toast of the CGI V.O. artist community, Freddie Prinze Jr. took Vince McMahon up on an offer to join the SmackDown creative team.

Prinze left the post last week, and the rumor was that he was let go for leaking plot spoilers online. Not so, according to this weirdly written report from wrestling trade site 24wrestling.com:

There has been speculation among WWE staffers that Freddie Prinze Jr. was one of the creative writers leaking WWE information. However, the official reason Prinze left WWE because of the demanding schedule, which is one of the main reasons other writers have departed from the company.

We may never truly know whether Prinze's midlife career change was cut short because he released the name of Jeff Hardy's mystery attacker (GIANT SPOILER ALERT: It was Christian!), or because the Scooby Doo 2 - Monsters Unleashed star could never quite hack the rigors of devising intricate storylines for McMahon's chemically enhanced army of face-sitting leotard-warriors. Either way, there's no denying the professional sport has lost one of its great ringwriters. Keep plugging away, Freddie. We need voices like yours on the mats.

• Backstage News On Prinze Leaving: Was He The Leak? [24wrestling.com]

• That's just a rumor that Page Six is whispering about, so who knows if it's true or not. It's sort of hard to imagine where she would have fit into the ceremony, unless it was during the Original Song performances or in lieu of Queen Latifah singing the sad dead people song. [P6]
• Celebrity people-saver Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger was at Vanity Fair's big Oscar party in Lorst Angrilleez, enjoying the scene with his wife. It sure beat how the hero pilot spent last year's Oscars, which was sitting at a Houlihan's outpost in the Detroit airport, eating a burger, sullenly. (GETTTT ITTTT??) [P6]
• A bunch of old broads attended the New York Oscar Night party at the Carlyle last night, including Helen Hunt's mother from As Good As It Gets, that one lady who's in everything and was really good in Junebug, and the most fabulous woman ever to teeter around on two gams, Elaine Stritch. An old gay ghost sat at the bar and drank a ghost Vodka Collins, remembering the old days and eagerly awaiting these dames to join him in ghostdom. [P6]
• Ever the dignified, awards-nominated gentleman, actor turned brawler turned brawler-actor Mickey Rourke tried to feel up Jessica Alba at Saturday's Independent Spirit Awards. His line, I hope? "This is as close to an Oscar nomination as you're ever gonna get." [NYDN]
• ZOMG! Lonely and miserable actress Jennifer Aniston had the balls to go and present an Oscar award in front of her ex-husband and his current be-lipped squeeze, Angelica Jolson. Apparently the sad, ruined Aniston gazed at Brad Pitt when the lights were dark during her segment, then gave him a pathetic, hangdog smile. The beautiful, cunning witchress Jolson didn't get a smile, but she did slither her snake-like arm around her stolen prize to show the haggard old sack of straw up there in her humiliating little party dress that she had won. After the show, Aniston checked into a motel room near the airport and shot herself. [Us]
• In unrelated-to-the-Oscars-in-any-way "news", Nadya Suleman—that crazy person who has 146 children, some of whom are fortythreetuplets—says that the dude saying he's the father of some of the doomed little ragamuffins isn't actually the father. "He didn't work," she says of his attempts to splooge in or around her baginical area so the little fish that live in his balls could make a baby in her eggs. [Us]

The Jonas Brothers have about as much in common with the Oscars as Joe Jonas has in common with being a gentleman. He claims that he wears a purity ring to remind him not to do anything that wouldn't make his mom proud. Just tell that to 25-second-phone call dumpee Taylor Swift.

Anne Hathaway dug deep in her interview to find a way to describe her Brokeback Mountain co-star Heath Ledger. He was so ... uh ... what's the word...

Mickey Rourke stayed in Oscar campaign mode and opened up on just how fucking much he wants that goddamn Oscar tonight. And he promises not to sexually molest the golden bald man.

All Walters wants to ask your song-y dance-y Oscar host Hugh Jackman is whether he's gay. But with a montage of his Broadway work opening the segment, she totally stacks the deck against him.

Jackman is willing to do anything to convince her that he's totally into women.

TMZ paparazzi captured The Wrestler star emerging from his West Village lodgings, then followed him to a tanning salon/Brazilian waxing/staple-removal studio for a beautification regimen not unlike the one his character Randy "The Ram" undergoes in the film. He emerges a little later to the applause of appreciative fans wishing him best of luck, offering yet further echoes of The Wrestler, and we thought the moment could really benefit from the melancholic Americana of Bruce Springsteen's title song. Thanks to Gawker's Mike Byhoff, our dream became a reality. Enjoy.

• Mickey Grieves Dead Dogs, Tans His Hide [TMZ]

Vulture cornered Rourke at NYC Fashion Week to get the scoop (sidenote: we're a little surprised that Rourke did so much schmoozing out at nightclubs on the same night his beloved dog died. When will he have time to grieve, make funeral arrangements, and secure a Rolling Stone writer to chronicle his descent into depression?) So who has beaten out Rourke's willing cast of runner-ups to get that coveted Oscar date ticket?

"Unfortunately, my agent," he told us in defeat.

But so what if ICM's David Unger doesn't look good in a dress - at least he's battling Marvel for a bigger paycheck for Rourke for his rumored role as a villain in Iron Man 2, right? "Right now, we're not doing Iron Man 2," Rourke told us grimly.

He did have some good news, though. Following the widespread disappointment over his canceled appearance at the upcoming WrestleMania 25, Rourke told us he'll still be there, just not in the ring: "We're gonna go in support. Vince McMahon, Roddy Piper, and Rick Flair have been such a part of the movie ... So whatever support I can give back to all those people from WWE, I'm gonna do that."

Strange...we thought those same WWE people were the ones who initially trashed The Wrestler. Then again, perhaps Mickey's just too blinded by grief (and the stinging tears from his meager Marvel paycheck) to think straight.

• Vulture Exclusive: Mickey Rourke's Oscar Date Revealed! Also, He Might Not Do Iron Man 2? [Vulture]

As these pictures show, both on and off the red carpet, Rourke only had eyes for Loki. Our chihuahua-compiling research also turned up evidence that before The Wrestler came out last year, Rourke used to host a weekly, Loki-dedicated night of karaoke at Rokbar in Miami. He did this shirtless, wearing a black leather vest, as is the custom in Florida.

Rest in peace, Loki. You died too late to join the "In Memoriam" pool, but we'll be saving our applause for you regardless.

[Photo Credit: AP, Getty Images, WENN, X17]