Some ding-a-ling microwaved a glow stick, even though his dad told him not to. Dummy!

As plague of gibberish sweeps North America's TV personalities—from Judge Judy's linguistic meltdown to Serene Branson's migraine to Sarah Carlson's seizure to Mark McAllister speaking in tongues—intrepid British spaz rag The Daily Mail asks, is a government conspiracy afoot?

A sixteen-year-old was arrested in Brooklyn on Wednesday for kidnapping the daughter of an acquaintance after the acquaintance "smacked" her for eating the last of his hot pockets. Yes! That is what happened, according to the Staten Island Advance, which cites "a law enforcement source"; the suspect, one Aliyah Austin…