Most of the motley crew trying not to look like they're lining up a White House run in a couple of years have one or two clear, concise moments of idiocy that they will spend months dodging, obfuscating and fudging around:

• Mitt Romney: once strapped his dog, an Irish Setter named Seamus, in a carrier, to his car's roof. The dog got so scared that it crapped all over the car. The reporter who broke the story, in this Boston Globe profile meant it as an anecdote that demonstrated Romney's crisis management — because he stopped and hosed the car down or something. In fact it added to the slightly cold, creepy atmosphere that surrounds Romney. Also, he refuses to deny he wears special Mormon underpants.
• Newt Gingrich: was having an affair at the same time he led the pursuit of Bill Clinton for having an affair. This is apparently not hypocrisy because Clinton was impeached not for having the affair but for lying about it.
• Rudy Giuliani: is probably going to stick with running for the Senate in New York. But in case he decides to step onto the more vicious national stage once more, it's worth remembering that he used public money to finance an affair, remains friends with corrupt former police chief Bernie Kerik, cross-dresses and runs a very shady business.
• Ron Paul: is a racist. Or at least it seems that way if you read quotes from a political newsletter he put out in the 90s. Here are some extracts that would make delicious additions to campaign commercials in, well, anywhere black people live.
  

  If you have ever been robbed by a black teen-aged male, you know how unbelievably fleet-footed they can be.

  Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5 percent of blacks have sensible political opinions, i.e. support the free market, individual liberty and the end of welfare and affirmative action.

  Given the inefficiencies of what D.C. laughingly calls the `criminal justice system,' I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.

  ...we are constantly told that it is evil to be afraid of black men, it is hardly irrational. Black men commit murders, rapes, robberies, muggings and burglaries all out of proportion to their numbers.

• Bobby Jindal: his appearance in this video is bad enough. He looks like some combination of Kenneth the Page and Pinocchio. But in it he claims to have stood shoulder-to-shoulder with a New Orleans lawman during Hurricane Katrina to cut through red tape and rescue people. Except he didn't. He overheard a conversation after it all happened.

  Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

• That leaves Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty — who is ironically seen as boring precisely because he is so scandal-averse. We're choosing to ignore South Carolina Governor and hiking enthusiast Mark Sanford because it beggars belief that he would even consider running for President after running away to schtup an Argentinian lady and lying to everyone about it. If you're wondering why Sarah Palin is not on this list — it's because she's bulletproof. She has been repeatedly caught lying, cheating and stealing. She's been repeatedly revealed as a moron in clever-person's glasses. Any other politician would have been sunk by any one of these scandals. But Sarah Barracuda has built a brand based on narcissistic ineptitude and a perpetual victim status. Perhaps the other candidates should try it.

Ben Smith followed Mike Huckabee around for a while as he sold his new Christmas book.

Huckabee was the governor of Arkansas. He used to be fat, and then he got skinny, and now he is getting fat again. He's also basically as crazy Christian as they come, but he masks this with a genuinely likable sense of humor, which is why he has a TV program on Fox now.

He won Iowa in 2008. He is raising a lot of money. He just won a Gallup poll of potential 2012 Republican candidates. But he has two problems: Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney.

Palin is the more marketable and exciting version of him, both because she says much dumber and insane things and also she is an attractive lady. Romney is the guy who will almost certainly actually win the nomination, because the sensible money guys in the party like him, despite the fact that he is Mormon Robot.

Here is Huckabee being totally not bitter about Sarah Palin stealing his gimmick:

"Some of the people who had excoriated me and really been very dismissive of me for views that I had taken, and labeled me anything from a populist to an ignoramus - the same people have been very defensive [of] and laudatory to Sarah Palin," Huckabee noted, adding that he'd invited her to appear on his weekly Fox show but "could never get any contact."

"I'm glad she's getting the props - I know I'm not nearly as attractive," he said with a guileless grin.

Now Huckabee is just eating his way across America, trying to get people excited about his book, insulting all the other Republicans who were and are mean to him. Pat Toomey and the Club for Growth—the Wall Street wing of the activist conservative movement—still hate him, which will make fundraising hard. And he still openly hates and ridicules Romney, which will probably prevent him from getting the VP slot.

You don't really need to worry about the Republicans in 2012. Unlike solar flares and earthquakes and volcanoes and stuff.

We haven't made any of these up:

* SPEECHLESS - SILENCING THE CHRISTIANS
* THUGOCRACY - FIGHTING THE VAST LEFT WING CONSPIRACY
* DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD
* ACTIVISM AND CONSERVATISM: FIT TO A TEA (PARTY)
* THE THREAT OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION
* OBAMACARE: RATIONING YOUR LIFE AWAY
* MARRIAGE: WHY IT'S WORTH DEFENDING AND HOW REDEFINING IT THREATENS RELIGIOUS LIBERTY
* THE NEW MASCULINITY
* WAIT NO MORE: FINDING FAMILIES FOR WAITING KIDS
* TURNING THE TIDE IN YOUR GENERATION

Nor did we make up what that "New Masculinity" session was apparently about: protecting the children from being turned gay by Playboy. Take it away, Chief of Staff to Senator Tom Coburn:

A session on the "New Masculinity" went deep into the reasons why, and how, conservatives could prevent children from entering pre-marital domestic partnerships or from embracing the "malady" of homosexuality. Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff to Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.), told the audience that praising one's parents in nightly prayers could enforce the notion of marriage, and telling children that "all pornography is homosexual pornography" could prevent them from becoming perverted.

Yes, of course!

And Mitt Romney, who is the Republican party's leading 2012 contender (and a so-called "centrist!") is openly praising this weirdo nonsense hard-right conspiratorial mystical Mormon pseudohistory called The 5,000 Year Leap. (The book also informs Glenn Beck's bizarre interpretation of history and the constitution.) It is hard to overstate how weird and fucked up that is and how terrifying the idea of these people returning to power is. This is like a 1988 speech from Paul Tsongas in which he announces that he's been seriously studying The Illuminatus! Trilogy, except all that just would mean was that he was high, not that he believed the Rothschilds banded together with Ho Chi Minh, the civil rights movement, and the Council on Foreign Relations to establish a New World Order.

A month ago, Romney gave a big speech about foreign policy to the Heritage Foundation, laying the groundwork for his 2012 presidential run. According to Romney, there are "four nations, representing four different ways of ways of life, that are vying to lead the world before the end of this century"—America, China, Russia, and "the jihadists"—plus a dark entropic force called "North Korea." Only one has freedom: Guess which it is?

The New Republic's Barron YoungSmith was curious what Romney's view of the world might look like if he were presenting it to one of Bain's corporate clients or to his church's Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, so he asked a friend to draw up this handy graphic.

Between Romney's "four nations," Glenn Beck's "nine principles and twelve values," the church's "First Presidency and Two Counselers," "the 70," and those twelve apostles, the Mormons sure do have a thing for numbers. What's that all about?

Sad Republican strategist Mark McKinnon has been handicapping the Republican field over at The Daily Beast. So far, he's identified both Senator John Ensign and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford as Ones to Watch just days before they admitted extramarital affairs. And then he called on both of them to resign. It is hard, strategizing for this bunch of losers! So let's look at the rest of his list and wonder what will be!

Haley Barbour: Barbour is McKinnon's new favorite, because he is the opposite of Barack Obama. He is a fat old white Southerner who used to be a lobbyist. So, as you can imagine, he will definitely help with that whole "GOP is only the party of old white Southerners now" thing. But McKinnon is pretty sure that the next election will actually be held on opposite day, which will definitely improve Haley's chances.

But there is a problem: he is a crooked lobbyist with crooked lobbyist children!

Tim Pawlenty: Tim is the Governor of Minnesota. He is a charming cipher. He is completely inoffensive. He would maybe convince Republicans that they could put some more upper midwestern states back in play.

But there is a problem: even being a charming cipher was not enough to net Pawlenty a majority of votes cast in either of the elections he won. And now he is retiring, rather than face possible defeat. Meanwhile, the state has gone completely broke. And he made a bridge collapse. Also he's on the road toward revealing some embarrassing personal secret: claiming he has nothing to hide and almost challenging people to dig something up.

Newt Gingrich: People have heard of him, but they have also forgotten why they used to hate him, mostly. He likes to pretend to be full of exciting new ideas for remaking the party. He is an elder statesman. He, uh, hasn't cheated on his wife lately.

But there is a problem: he's Newt fucking Gingrich.

Mike Huckabee: He's a charming, roly-poly former Arkansas governor with his own talk show on Fox. He used to be fat, then he got skinny, and now he is kinda fat again. He is friends with Chuck Norris. A lot of liberals find him surprisingly tolerable, and he is more than willing to charm them without losing his Conservative Christian Cred. He plays the bass.

But there is a problem: he says a lot of dumb shit and is hard to take seriously, especially now that he's doing his "Conservative White Male Oprah" thing at Fox.

Sarah Palin: She is really famous, and really good at getting on TV, and also she is a lady. She has those kids, and that husband, and a lot of people seem to think she is a wonderful lady. Also she talks funny, which appeals to millions of Americans who also talk funny.

But there is a problem: she is really fucking dumb and no amount of media training can ever make her appear confident and prepared, which is weird, considering her local news background.

Mitt Romney: He has money, and nice hair.

But there is a problem: he is a Mormon!

But that is not actually the best argument for Mitt. The best argument for Mitt is that, barring news that he secretly slept with Joe the Plumber, he basically already has this locked up.

This is how Republican primaries work: if there is a Republican President or Vice President who would like the job, he gets the nomination. If not, the guy who came in second in the last contested primary gets the nomination. (Unless it's Pat Buchanan.) This is the way they have done things since World War II. It means the candidate will be Mitt Romney (or maybe—maybe!—Mike Huckabee). All this John Ensign and Mark Sanford talk was bullshit even before they all took themselves out of the running by sleeping around.

But, you know, good luck to Haley Barbour.

And just for Mr. Dismal here is the speech in its (admittedly more contradictory!) entirety.

Democratic primary

• 113,032 for Clinton (55 percent)
  
• 80,946 for Obama (39 percent)
  
• 9,388 for Edwards (5 percent)

Republican primary

• 44,709 for McCain (50 percent)
  
• 23,050 for Romney (26 percent)
  
• 8,104 for Huckabee (9 percent)
  
• 4,643 for Paul (5 percent)

Not many in the Silicon Valley money crowd support Hillary Clinton. The notable exception is John Doerr, who now counts former VP Al Gore as a colleague at Kleiner Perkins.

The list is lengthier for Barack Obama.

• David Anderson, managing director, Sutter Hill Ventures
  
• John Thompson, Symantec CEO
  
• Gordon Eubanks, former Symantec CEO
  
• Yahoo exec Brad Garlinghouse
  
• Former California gubernatorial candidate, current Steve Jurvetson pal and Tesla Motors board member Steve Westly
  
• John Roos, CEO of law firm Wilson Sonsini Goodrich & Rosati
  
• Google execs David Drummond and Marissa Mayer
  
• Google.org director Larry Brilliant
  
• YouTube founder Chad Hurley
  
• VC Doug Hickey of Hummer Winblad Venture Partners
  
• VC Stewart Alsop of Alsop Louie
  
• Electronic Arts CEO John Riccitielo
  
• Sequoia Capital venture capitalist Michael Moritz
  
• Craiglist founder Craig Newmark
  
• Netscape and Ning founder Marc Andreessen (who also supports Mitt Romney)

(Photo by azrainman)

[Redacted]: we got mailed a t shirt from 23/6, that huffpo humor site. i am staring at it now! I bet it will generate "buzz."
pareene: hah
pareene: is it a "funny" shirt??
[Redacted]: on the front it has their tagline, and on the back it says "tagg romney is a stupid name"
[Redacted]: which is funny enough I guess
pareene: ha
[Redacted]: exactly the level of funny I was expecting
pareene: funny until south carolina
pareene: then billy beer
[Redacted]: i have no idea what to do with this shirt. it's fucking huge. it would be perfect for pre-slimmed down huck
[Redacted]: maybe that 500 lb policeman
pareene: it would be better if the shirt just said "more like FAG ROMNEY"
[Redacted]: ha
[Redacted]: that would be awesome
pareene: then you could wear that xtra large novelty t-shirt with pride