Honestly, you don't even have to be able to read particularly well to see just how much This Is Totally, CompletelyFuckingAbsurd subtext this was written with. Poor Allen Salkin. The Seymore Hersh of the Sunday Styles (and Sarah Palin Slambook Signee) clearly did not enjoy this. Imagine having to hang out with Madonna's squeak toy for a few nights. And then write two pages about him. Forget what isn't someone's idea of fun; this sounds like a spite-assignment. The only thing that could make this better is if David Attenborough narrated it for readers.

Into the trenches Salkin goes. Watch as he infiltrates the nesting den!

Young models in sheer cocktail dresses shimmied near chrome buckets holding bottles of the vodka brand sponsoring the party.

He meets curious creatures of the night, and attempts to elicit information about their intent marauding around the natural habitats of a Jesus.

A freelance reporter for Life & Style magazine prepared to sidle up for a quick interview. "I'm here because I'm supposed to ask him questions about dating Madonna," she said.

Yes, well, as if we don't already know, Jesus Luz is basically Madonna's squeak toy. They had plenty to say about each other:

"I don't talk about my girlfriend," Mr. Luz said. "Let them come to their own conclusions." (Through a spokeswoman, Madonna declined to comment for this article.)

Salkin, however, persevered. There are questions that need answering. Most importantly, how the hell do you pronounce his name? Observe his continuing efforts to communicate in his native language with the indigenous call of the celebrity weekly reporter:

Asked if she knew how to say Mr. Luz's first name, she ventured, "Hay-soos? Or maybe Gee-zus?"

But it's not all mysteries! Out he comes, with answers to the questions regarding this cosmic being with whom Madonna's sexual organs associate themselves with.

Before Mr. Luz, muscular and curly haired with piercing blue eyes, returned to the laptop and mixing board, he explained the proper way to say his first and last names: "Zhay-ZOOSE. Loose."

And...that's basically the big revelation here. Jesus went to a DJ school, started booking gigs, met Madonna a month after she divorced Guy Ritchie, and she's been paying him allowance since. Okay, he says she's not:

..He said that was ridiculous. "I'm laughing so loud," he said.

But who says they're "laughing" at embarrassing allegations? People who are not laughing. Note the curious lack of a bracketing "laughing." Salkin knows this guy's pockets are lined with Ray of Light-era cash. Want to see how bored Salkin is with Jesus? Look:

It reads like a fact sheet. The IMDB "Trivia" page for Pet Cemetery 3 was written with more excitement than this. It's not at all a hack job or a rush job, because, for all intents and purposes, everything you'd ever want to know about Jesus Luz is contained within this piece.

This is the definitive Jesus piece. Including how much he thinks he's worth ($30,000, which a club decided not to pony up for). It's exactly why this reads like a please, get this thing out of my life job. I almost kinda feel bad for his having to take this one on. Almost. Meanwhile, has anybody ever cared less about a Madonna boyfriend? No. Maybe it's a sign of the times, how we've grown with Madge, how Madge just can't buy/fondle up some excitement like she used to, or how we just have better things to give a shit about these days. Or maybe it's just a sign that—predictably—Jesus is just like every other model/DJ in New York City: meh.

Disclaimer: This theory is posited by Neill's own lawyer, and is probably false. That said! The New York Post has the attorney's intricate legal reasoning:

Hillgardner argued that case law protects mere nude physical activity — like calisthenics and ball-playing — from lewdness charges.

So because Neill was kind of writhing around in a "I look like I'm on so much PCP but actually I'm an artistic nudie model" way, it was protected! Also the lawyer says that the only things ladies cannot legally do topless are sunbathing and "handing out promotional material," so, ladies? Everybody's into art again.
[Pic via]

You probably know Christina Ambers' feet from such ads as "Rescue Me," "Maybelline," and "Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtreme Wear." She is only considered the hottest foot model around these days, that's all. And her hands aren't too shabby either!

Anyhow she married the doorman at her building on E. 74 St., and now she's alleging in a $10 million lawsuit that the co-op board is trying to evict her because they simply can't stand the sight of the doorman, a poor, rubbing all up on the precious rich sexxxy feet of Ambers, a non-poor. Other residents in her building say the couple had a tumultuous relationship, made noise, and had the cops called to their apartment. The Post, predictably, ignores that angle in favor of class war without mercy, leading its story with "Stick to taking out the recyclables, Angel."

The most interesting part of this story, of course, is not actual facts. It's the question of whether the New York Post can stir up a decent amount of class-based outrage amongst its readers on behalf of a couple that is one-half Latino man from the Bronx. If Ambers had married, say, a poor but proud firefighter from Bay Ridge, this would be an easy layup. But can the Post's faux-populism overcome its real racism? We shall see.

There's always the sexxxy feet pics to fall back on!
[Pic: Christina Ambers' Flickr]

• She Loves Models: "My name is Min Lieskovsky, I'm 26, and I'm addicted to male models. I've dated six of the world's top models, as ranked by Models.com," she wrote in Elle Girl. Perhaps her tastes have, ah, changed, a bit? "My secret to dating male models is simple: Tell them they're smart," she writes. Or, date a smart guy, and tell him he's attractive!
• She Is Quite a Hottie, if She Does Say So Herself: Let's pull more from that same Elle Girl story, which is truly a unique window into the psyche of Min Lieskovsky. "Each male model I dated told me he had never met a girl like me: smart, but easy to talk to; nerdy, but still pretty hot." Interesting. Are you in fact pretty hot? "I have long harbored fantasies of being a model," she says, but goes on to clarify, with admirable humility, "At 5'6" and 130 pounds, I consider myself quite a fox, but I'm not model material." Actually, she could have been a model if she weren't such a rebel: "the popular boys in my school who ranked hot girls said they'd have put me at No. 1 if I hadn't shaved my head or worn lederhosen."
• She Went to School, You Know, In Boston: "And while, with a Harvard diploma, I had entrée to a career of my choice, there was something very attractive about the idea of achieving fame with very little effort." Her thesis was about Cambodian genocide: "I'm really interested in human capabilities, which is why I'm interested in poetry, music, stuff like that. Genocide is just another one of those human capabilities, it's how you basically live death."
• She's Finally Listening to Her Mother: "Then I remember that men display identical tastes to mine, preferences that tend toward the young and professionally pulchritudinous. Women my mother's age have told me to find a man who would be a good father and provider, meaning: food, shelter, a steady income-stability. I smile and refrain from telling them that I can afford my own food and rent and that my friends and family give me support and love. About the only thing that I can't give myself is that flush of excitement upon locking eyes (and lips) with a really gorgeous guy." Uh huh.
• She Apparently Made Up Her Own Job Title: According to LinkedIn, Min is a "Writing and Ethnographic Marketing Consultant." Uh huh.
• She Enjoys Traveling: She went to Cambodia once with her writer friend! She had a good time. And took pictures. And that's just the beginning: "Lieskovsky's wanderings have taken her across Europe and to a number of South American countries. Along the way, she has partied at the American embassy in Cambodia, bluffed her way into a maximum security prison and learned bank-robbing tips from Long Beach Crips exiled in Cambodia. Lieskovsky isn't anywhere near done. 'I want to go to as many dangerous places as possible,' she says."
• She Has Goals: "'I want to be Angelina Jolie's assistant in Cambodia,' she exclaims."
• Her Friends Love Her: "'I can't think of anything that make her anything like other people. I don't know if she has any human traits really,' says blockmate Jennifer L. Nelson '03."

And there's more: The Facebook Flirting Salman Rushdie Used to Win Min Lieskovsky's Heart

[Pics: Myspace, Friendster]

Last night Gawker slipped into a private party at Rose Bar to mingle with Ford's most beguiling catwalk creatures. The darkened confines of the Gramercy Park Hotel hotspot, a lounge that is to model-gazing what the Serengeti is to spotting lions, was an obvious choice of venue. We came to this sexy safari equipped with a tape recorder, a camera, and an imperviousness to the embarrassment of asking tall, skinny girls with perfect bone structure silly questions. Because that's what we do.

If there is a rising star among the Ford fillies, it just might be Indian supermodel-in-training Lakshmi Menon. Only in the biz for a few years, Lakshmi has already graced the cover of Indian Vogue and Dazed & Confused, and is owning the runway this week at Rosa Cha, Carolina Herrera, Jason Wu...Oh, you want more? Trust us, you'll be seeing her smoky pout all over the place. But despite her surging career, all was not well in Lakshmi-land.

"There is stress in being a model," she confided, somewhat darkly."These days models are a little
undervalued, unlike in the '90s, when you had Naomi Campbell and Cindy Crawford and Kate Moss. They called the shots. But now its not so much about the models, it's more about the designers and the photographers and the art directors...."

OK, that's great and everything, but what we really want to know is, how does a guy get to romance a super-specimen like yourself? Would he need to own a private island or something? A gold-plated Cessna? Or at least a really nice yacht?

"He needs to be a good human being," Lakshmi said. "He needs to be loving, caring and above all, he needs to have a good sense of humor. I don't care about money because I'm making my own. To me, being rich is a turn-off."

This revelation was like a sucker punch straight to the beanbag. Was it true that some models were actually offended by the existence of incredibly rich dudes? We approached a stunning six-foot brunette to find out. Her name was Nika Lauraitis. She was 19, had bangs that grazed her eyebrows, and recently bagged a Moschino campaign. She was discovered when she was 15 at a Chicago mall. She laughed easily. And she was refreshingly honest when it came to potential boyfriends.

"If they tell me they're rich, I'm immediately interested," she said. "I like the trust fund type." Are there any dealbreakers? "Guys who are shorter than me. You've got to be over six feet." So you would never date a dwarf, even if he was your soul mate? "If he was rich!"

Had she ever been propositioned by sleazy photographers? "I've had my fair share. There was one guy from a magazine I won't name who came onto me. He was speaking Spanish. I didn't know what he was saying, but I knew it was dirty." So game was Nika, in fact, that Gawker operative Stephen Kosloff suggested she pose for an arty shot while lying on the pool table. She tentatively agreed. But a male friend of hers, a floppy-haired blonde dude who appeared to know his way around a runway himself, convinced her to nix the idea. Thanks a lot, buddy.

Then there was 19-year-old Polina Sova from Norway. She recently walked for Givenchy in Paris, and was scheduled to strut today for some line that she couldn't recall. It was late and she was tired. When Polina was done with Fashion Week and she didn't have to worry about fitting into tiny designer frocks, was there anything she really wanted to gorge on? "I would say marshmallows in the fire," she said in a thick Norwegian accent. "I'd eat a whole bag."

Karolina, a 25-year-old Polish model who looked like a young Natassia Kinski, used to starve herself so much that she'd have dreams of chasing pizzas. You may have seen her staring down from a Target billboard in Times Square dressed as a "little school teacher, really cute and hot, with thigh-high red boots." Karolina was kissing off the catwalk this year. "I'm going for the money jobs," she said. "Not too many shows pay. It's a lot of running around and competition. When I was a little younger I did it." And why did Karolina think that she was getting those money jobs, anyway? "I'm unique and I have a look that not a lot of girls have. A lot of photographers say I'm more like an actress. I like to go into character."

Did she miss those days as a struggling teenage model scrounging for runway gigs? "No," she said. "I lived in a model dorm when I was with another agency There were 6 girls in one apartment. We'd all have to share the bathroom. There'd be one in the shower, one in the mirror, and one on the toilet. We wouldn't forward each other's phone calls and we'd throw pillows at each other."

By this point, most of the girls had left to get up early for another round of castings and shows, the open bar was closed, and the Rose Bar regulars were trickling in. Russell Simmons, in a baseball cap and sweater vest, posed for a Polaroid with Mollie Gondi, 29, who was slated to walk in Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. show at Milk Studios today.

She had short black hair, some tattoos, and was from Tampa. "I play drums and I curate art shows," she told me. "I'm not some robot girl walking down a runway. It's exhausting and tiring, but being a model is in no way hard. It's long days and you don't sleep much and there's a lot of drama. But you're traveling and shooting for amazing magazines. I mean, come on! This is a pretty good life."

Photos by Stephen Kosloff. You can see more of his work here.

• What is Demi Moore's problem? She and her husband Ashton Kutcher did everything to publicize their Twitter presence. But now that she's queen bee, she's becoming more picky and totally dissed Sarah Brown, wife to Britain's prime minister. The nerve! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham arrived to New York for Fashion Week, but finds it unfashionable to discuss whether she had her chest reduced: "We should just not talk about each other's boobs." Why? We always have to see yours. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Oh no! Chef Mario Batali and his business partner are being sued for nearly $75,000 after failing to pay their rent. [Page Six]
  
  
• Could Anna Wintour's "Fashion's Night Out" be costing people their jobs? Rumor has it that modeling agencies are threatening to blacklist their models unless said models work for their company's events this evening. That business is ugly! [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Matthews had to miss Obama's big speech because he fell ill after some diabetes tests. He'll be out for the rest of the week, thanks to American health care. [TVNewser]
  
  
• Former New York City mayor and alleged homosexual Ed Koch knows the word "fuck." Pass it on. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl and her nameless husband are adopting a child. Because that woman needs to be influencing another living thing. [ET]
  
  
• A Prairie Home Companion star Garrison Keillor remains in the hospital after suffering a minor stroke. That's too bad. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Speaking of potty mouths, Kate Moss didn't appreciate when comedian James Nesbitt poked fun at her sex life during GQ's Men of the Year Awards. Her reply to his joke that they had screwed: ""He's so fucking rude. I'll never come to one of these fucking awards ceremonies again!" Oh, also, she totally got drunk and had zits. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Playboy mogul High Hefner has filed for divorce after his wife allegedly cheated on him. Here's a lesson, ladies: don't cheat on Hugh. It's simply not done. [Reuters]

Hyman went and got one of his nude models arrested yesterday in the Metropolitan Museum (enthralling blurry video of the crime at that link, btw). New York Post vagina beat journalist Justin Rocket Silverman got the explanation from the heroic security guard, who detained the stripping harlot model:

"There were little kids in here watching the whole thing."

Mmm hmm. And riddle us this: When Zach Hyman took nude hipster pixxx it was all fine and dandy, but as soon as he has socialite (we're just saying that because her photos appear on Guest of a Guest) model KC Neill strip at the Met, it's straight to jail. A bit of subculture favoritism? Well Zack Hyman takes nudes of all types of men and women all over, so don't blame him. Pigs.

[Pics: NBC New York, Zach Hyman]

After alleged skank model Liskula Cohen went to court and got Google to reveal Port's identity last week, this case has become the Most Important Moral Question of Our Time. And since the Post has signed on as Liskula Cohen's official blowjob journalism provider, Rosemary Port ran to the Daily News to tell her sad, sad tale of woe. She says the following things!

"This has become a public spectacle and a circus that is not my doing...I feel my right to privacy has been violated."

Now she is suing Google! If anyone deserves millions in damages here, it is skankblogger Rosemary Port. One thing she has going for her is that Liskula Cohen and her attorney are none too bright. A man who passed the bar exam says:

"If we had thought for a minute that the Google case would have brought more attention to the anonymous blogger's site, we never would have started it."

It's like trying to pick sides in Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla!

Police sources in Jenkins' native Canada, where authorities believe he fled after murdering Fiore, say that the 32-year old took his own life in a British Columbia hotel room.

"We were able to determine that it was Ryan Jenkins," said Sgt. Duncan Pound of the RCMP's Federal Border Integrity Program, during an early evening news conference. "At this point it would be speculation as to how long he had been there."

The find came just hours after RCMP said Jenkins was in Canada...

Honestly, we feel a bit cheated on this one: not only are we firm believers that murderers should feel justice's swift kick, but the brutality of this crime - Fiore's body was found in a suitcase sans teeth and fingers and was identified via her breast implants - only enhanced our thirst for a relatively happy ending, not a hanging.

People call each other names every day and it's not particularly noteworthy, but since Cohen actually won the legal right to unmask her internet Skankaccuser, the New York Post has decided to portray her in a heroic light, with comical consequences.

The secret angry Liskula Cohen-hating skankblogger is Rosemary Port, a 29 year-old who "used to work as a telemarketer and a nightclub hostess and promoter," according to the NYP, and started her skankblog after she heard Cohen was talking trash about her. Here's her Facebook photo, which she hasn't gotten around to taking down yet.

Port says she's scared now that her name is public, as well she should be. Because the Post, for reasons unclear (scandalous sexy ones? Nobody knows!), has decided she is not just some lady who got mad about some other lady talking shit about her on the internet and then wackily went to court over that internet thing—she is a brave crusader! Andrea Peyser was ordered to write a worshipful column about Liskula and as hard as she tries, she can't get that sexy enthusiasm going too much, as she plumbs the depths of Liskula's soul:

And she cooks. "I'm not a very good cook, but I try a couple of times a week to make a new recipe. 'The Joy of Cooking' is very good."

She also plays with her cocker spaniel, Chaya.

Right-o. People arguing, on internet. Not a god damn thing happening in August.
[Pic: FMD]

Concluding what has to have been the biggest waste of time in the history of the American judicial system, a Manhattan Supreme Court judge ordered Google to fork over the email address of the author of the now-defunct "Skanks in NYC" blog who once called Cohen a "lying, whoring skank." Armed with this information, the model did what models are renowned for doing: internet sleuthing! Says the New York Post:

Using various search engines, the clever cover girl came up with the person's name — and recognized it as a woman with whom she had a passing acquaintance.

She "was an irrelevant person" whom she'd bump into at events and restaurants around town, Cohen said. "She was always around."

Cohen, who for now is refusing to reveal her frenemie's name, said she called the girl out of the blue and surprised her.

The stammering blogger responded, "We shouldn't be talking . . . We should talk with the lawyers."

Cohen stopped her in her tracks. "I said, 'No more lawyers. It's OK. I said I forgive you. It doesn't matter anymore,' " Cohen told ABC's "Good Morning America."

"She told me we should talk in person. I said fine."

Wait, what? That's it?! What kind of bullshit melodrama is this? Where's the hair-pulling? The nail-scratching? Oh but wait, the lawyers aren't finished with this yet!

Cohen is not letting the matter drop just yet, and her lawyer, Steven Wagner, said he plans to file a defamation suit against the blogger as early as today.

Yes! A defamation suit in this case would be amazing, seeing as each side would be forced to provide evidence to show whether or not Liskula Cohen is or is not a "skank." How many men has Liskula slept with in the past five years? How many partners does a friendly lady have to bed to achieve skank status? Does blowing dudes in the back of cabs make one a skank? Unprotected butt sex? Oh my, this could be great fun. Yes, please. Ladies and gentlemen, we may have our new trial of the century right here!

Soon! The judge ruled that the blogger cannot remain anonymous, because calling someone a skank ho is actionable for a defamation lawsuit. Sez the NYP:

"The thrust of the blog is that [Cohen] is a sexually promiscuous woman," Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Joan Madden wrote in her decision. That included references to Cohen as "whoring" and "ready to engage in oral sexual activity."

Is readiness to engage in oral sexual activity more defamatory than, say, readiness to "engage" in the butt? This case has truly been an educational opportunity for anyone interested in the nuances of skank law ("Big skank" is Constitutionally protected speech, for example).

The lesson is, when you call someone a "skank ho," say it to their face.

Four Victoria's Secret models, Alessandra Ambrosio, Lindsay Ellingson, Marisa Miller and Emanuela de Paula, spent twelve hours today, twelve freaking hours, running around Manhattan talking about bras. Always the brave troopers, they even went to the top of Empire State Building, despite the fact that deranged giant apes find climbing it virtually irresistible.

"I've never been in the Empire State Building, and I'm pretty petrified of heights," exclaimed Marisa Miller this afternoon from a perch atop the 5th Avenue landmark. "I have at last conquered my big fear!"

Perhaps even worse, the day started so early that the models actually had to eat breakfast — twice!

"Our day started at 4 in the morning. We had like two breakfasts—you need to when you get up this early," added Miller. "I had one at 5:30 and then another at 9:30."

Goodness gracious! Be careful out there ladies. Victoria's obviously a slave-driver when it comes to spreading the word about her precious little Secret. Godspeed y'all!

Pic via Getty

A 20 year-old Hugo Boss model named Joshua Walter was arrested for robbing a slew of bodegas, etc. across Queens and Brooklyn with a crew of non-models. He even pistol-whipped somebody, cops say. He's also living with his former high school teacher. "When Department of Education investigators questioned Walter about Salamino, he said, 'I'm tapping that ass and there's nothing you can do about it.'"

Not going to touch that one. Let's just say the recession is so bad that models are now doing stickups. Moving on: What sort of monster would rob American hero Orlando Bloom? Somebody did. That's for sure. They took $500K in cash and jewels from his home in Hollywood while Orlando was innocently in New York, looking good.

Perhaps it was the fact that he keeps half a million dollars worth of cash and jewels in his empty home? No matter. We have reached the third part of our robbery journey: the part where Manhattan city councilman Miguel Martinez admits that he stole more than $100,000 of taxpayer money. He is a fairly good-looking person, as well.

If you see any good-looking men, call the police at once.
[Pic via]

What's the Model Lounge, you ask? Well it's this place downstairs, like, underneath this other place in SoHo called Delicatessen, which is just like this other place called Cafeteria, but whatever, and it's, like, a private club for models only. You have to have a membership card that says "Model" on it to get in, so models and only models can go down there between castings and text message the dudes they met at Avenue last night and accidentally sucked off in the back of a cab, or fix their makeup, or talk about how so and so is such a bitch and they just can't stand her. You know, model-y stuff.

The Model Lounge is a really cool place because before the Model Lounge opened, back in the old days, models would have to go to the Starbucks at the corner of Spring and Crosby to kill time between castings and then be around all those gross non-model type people and the hobos shooting up in the bathroom, holding up the freaking line all damn day, not to mention the fact that there's this creepy, gay, British new media overlord who has an apartment across the street, and he's always just lurking in the shadows.

But not anymore! Now they have the "Model Lounge," and the New York Post sent the intrepid Justin Rocket Silverman down to investigate and now he's the only human with a penis who will ever get to enter the Model Lounge in the history of the world.

Cat (Walk) Club [New York Post]
Pic via Nikola Tamindzic/Ambrel