This is just scary. Watch the video.

I've got nothing else for you. Braunstein's nothing more now than a quietly disconcerting slice of New York; the kind of psychopath this city used to breed regularly. It's the freak beast of humanity, it's a monster, the real kind: that which moves without remorse. And there's nothing any of us can do about it. We can't even be scared. How can you be afraid of something when there's no way to conceptualize their actions, or a way to respond properly to them? There's no better way to live your life, there's no fear to grab onto. This shit just is what it is: terrible.

EEEE!! What the fuck is that thing? Email me, please, so for the sake of science, we can understand the slaughtered beast that lay in front of us. Also, naming suggestions, please.

PREVIOUSLY: The Panama Gollum!

BEFORE THAT: The Southhold Something Creature!

AND EVEN BEFORE THAT SOUTHOLD CREATURE: The Spotted Taunting Toronto Doe Thing!

AND WAY BEFORE THAT, LIKE, WAY BEFORE THAT TORONTO THING: The Lime-Soaked Limey!

AND HOW ABOUT The Russian Monster, Where In Soviet Russia, Monster Blog About You!

AND THEN THERE WAS THE Monster Who Is Not So Much A Monster As It Is A Four-Earred Kitty!

THE ORIGINAL GANGSTER: Him.

Update: Let's get to know Carmello the Cowbeast—which I've decided to name him, just because—a little better.

EWWWWW. Our monster-spotter, Evan, notes:

I met this deceased beast at 6am this morning in Carmel, CA [Ed. Hence, his name]. His face looked pretty gnar, and there was still fresh blood around the nose that was getting sucked back out to sea by the waves. Crazy right? Ugly little fella. Mezoloic era, if I'd have to guess. People and dogs were ignoring it like it wasn't even there -but I can assure you- it was.

Cheers,
Evan

Gnar, indeed. Evan, Gawker Monster Investigations thanks you for your hard work and commitment to the cause. We will continue to seek out the truth regarding washed-up monsters, both of the figurative and literal kind, for as long as we possibly can. The truth is out there.

According to reports in Panama, the teenagers spotted the creature crawling out of a cave while playing in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City.
Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them, the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water.

All it wanted was to play with the children. And now this. A sad statement on our fear of the unknown.

But at least our new friend will leave a legacy. As Telemetro noted in the original (translated) report, "while some say it may be a being from another planet, others simply believe that is an animal."

Some say it's a sloth. We say: It's a lost friend.
[Pic via Telemetro]

The Associated Press caught her walking into a federal building in Raleigh, N.C., this morning, and snapped a picture. She appears to be carrying the son daughter that Edwards offered to take a paternity test to prove isn't his, a paternity test that curiously still hasn't been administered. Andrew Young, the former Edwards aide who falsely took credit for the kid in order to cover for his boss, testified before the same grand jury last month, the AP says.

[Via Talking Points Memo.]

—A banker who drank too much last night?
—A frat boy hazing victim?
—A banker hazing victim of a secret Wall Street banker frat?
—A publicity stunt?
—A never-before-seen half-man half-bull underwear monster?

Or what? Your explanations in the comments, please.
[Thanks to The Big Lead, who sent this to us. Dealbreaker has some guesses too.]

You can also get Vogue editor-at-large André Leon Talley saying, "It's a famine of beauty, honey—my eyes are starving for beauty." The ringtones are here.

No ringtones featuring Wintour's fluttery voice are available, but there's a workaround: Simply turn your ringer off, which will approximate the icy sound of Wintour silently judging you every time someone calls.

UPDATE: CityFile produced, on their own, ringtones featuring Wintour and Talley back in January. Now where would The September Issue's flacks have gotten the idea?

That's because the Twisted Sicko in question, Michael Jackson, "literally bought his children with the help of two brood mares and, apparently, his dermatologist — a group of amoral savages who had no problem giving their kids to a man who looked like the Phantom of the Opera and who behaved like a depraved worm."

Literally?

OK, I said it — and it's about time somebody had the nerve to say what millions of people must feel and believe about the once-talented black man who turned himself into a white woman before turning himself into a monster.

Ha...uh. Linda Stasi, ladies and gentlemen! Andrea Peyser is off today.
[NYP]

No idea what these things are, but you certainly shouldn't watch this video until you've fully digested your breakfast. This video is allegedly from a sewer snake cam in North Carolina. This is exactly what flamethrowers were invented for.

Naturally, our monsters-and-alien obsessed pals over at io9 spotted this yesterday.

Update: A local TV station in Raleigh has called up the folks who run their monster-encrusted sewers and they say the video is real, but sadly is actually a colony of worms "attach themselves to roots" and "gradually work themselves into weak points in the pipes."

Earls is a bad man. He raped a little girl and got a ridiculous one-year sentence. But it's still astonishing that last night two grown men openly discussed on national television whether or not it's OK to just up and kill him.

O'Reilly, cognizant of the criticism he received for his role in turning George Tiller into a national villain who was then gunned down by an abortion opponent, managed to struggle through the moral logic of Thou Shalt Not Kill. But Rivera, with a wink and a nod, basically said "Yes." The only reservation he has about someone taking his advice to go out and kill Earls is that they might get hurt themselves.

Here's the gist of the exchange:

O'Reilly: If Earls ever walks out of jail and gets killed, who are they going to blame?

Rivera: ... I can only tell you ladies and gentlemen, that I will not weep if something happens to David Earls. I do not encourage vigilantism. I think it is something that puts your own life at risk. I do not advise it, I do not counsel it. I will not, however, weep if David Earls is found sometime on a country road.

O'Reilly: We obviously don't want anyone to do anything. That would be as morally wrong as what Earls did—to take Earls' life. You can't do that.

Rivera: I don't agree quite with your moral reasoning. You're more moral than I am.

These men actually want people to die.

Joseph Brooks won the Oscar for "Best Song" in 1977, and proceeded to use that credential to help him lure starry-eyed young women to his apartment, where he got them drunk and raped them under the guise of "auditioning" them for a part that would launch their careers. He was allegedly assisted by his "42-year-old female personal assistant, Shawni Lucier"—when you add the "F," that spells Lucifer!

The pair would put ads on Craigslist and talent sites saying that an award-winning composer was looking for a pretty 18-22 year old girl to help with her career. In reality, cops say, Brooks had the rapes meticulously planned out.

Brooks primarily targeted victims from Washington state and Oregon — including former "American Idol" contestant Loretta Spruell, of Seattle — so they would be tired from traveling by the time they arrived in New York, authorities said. He allegedly hoped that would leave them without the energy to put up a fight.

Lucifer the assistant would pick the girls up at the airport, reassure them, and drive them over to Brooks' place, where he would spring his trap:

Once Brooks had his prey inside his apartment, he used the oldest trick in the book, cops said. He allegedly told the women they were trying out for the role of a prostitute, and the scene they were depicting involved drinking glasses of wine "repeatedly and quickly."...

Brooks then turned into a monster, urging them to take off their clothes and ultimately forcing himself on them, authorities said.

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.
Brooks is facing 82 counts of rape, sexual assault, and other charges, and he says he's innocent. Anyone who could make that song is predictably despicable.
[NYP. Pic: AP]

According to newly released White House audiotapes, Richard Nixon summed up his view of abortion in 1973 thusly:

"There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white," he told an aide, before adding: "Or a rape."

Not that you needed any more evidence that the man was a miserable fucking monster.

He also blamed anti-Semitism on the Jews:

"What I really think is deep down in this country, there is a lot of anti-Semitism, and all this is going to do is stir it up," Nixon said. At another point he said, "It may be they have a death wish. You know that's been the problem with our Jewish friends for centuries."

Previous tapes have shown Nixon referring to "cheap kikes" in the White House.

In a video shot back in January, we have Kate and the children getting set to be interviewed when Mady, one of the two older twins, complains to her mother that "I haven't had a drink all day" and "I'm going to get dehydrated." Kate then asks someone off camera to fetch her a bottled water, which she then proceeds to drink herself without giving any to Mady. When Mady, now close to tears, sees this she pleads with her mother to share the water, saying "I really, really need it," but Kate just tells her to "be quiet" because the interview is about to start.

Now, we don't quite agree with Michelle Collins of Best Week Ever that this is cause for Kate to be jailed, but we would like to at least see her have to have that wretched head of hers forcibly shaved by Mady and the other children. We think it's the fairest thing that could come out of this.

This beast washed up on Southhold, Long Island last week. The people who discovered it contacted Nicky Papers of Montauk-Monster.com, and he went and took this footage you see here. Monty's winter hibernation is over.
[Montauk-Monster.com via Animal NY]

So all these Boston residents suddenly find themselves besieged by vermin that terrify both man and beast, raiding their trash cans and terrifying one and all.

"They pop out of the trash. A couple of weeks ago one ran right across my hand. It's nasty," said Gerry Gentilucci, 43...
[N]eighbors blame the rodents on the massive hole Harvard began digging a year ago to build a five-acre science project.

Hmmm. Decades before the massive 530,000-square-foot underground science experiment hole: no rats. Since massive hole filled with who-knows-what: huge killer rats.

But Harvard officials strongly refute that the construction of its 530,000-square-foot science complex along Western Avenue has had any role in the rat infestation.

Speak not of the rats again.

[Boston Herald via Ivygate]

This email went out to the Park Slope Parents Messageboard, the place where the community is kept safe:

Dogs IN Tot Lot??!!!
Posted by: "bklynfam" jewelsluv@gmail.com bklynfam
Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:13 pm (PDT)

Dear Parents,

I am very upset that so many parents violate park rules and bring their dogs INTO the Tot Lot. For example today I was there for just 2 hours and three people brought their dogs. One of those parents even let their dog OFF LEASH. I am livid.

I don't care how cute, or small your dog is, or if you are holding it on a tight leash. Keep your dog out of the playground away and from MY child and all the children!! And when I say something to you about your dog, don't give me an attitude. You are breaking the rules and being totally arrogant and irresponsible. Leave your dog at home like I do.

Rules are rules for a reason. The fact is that dogs are animals and can turn mean for any reason; another kid or parent gets too close it it's owner or child, a child pets it too hard, or pulls a tail or ear, OR as toddlers do, FALL, may fall on a dog or near it and scare it. BITE.

Call To Action: Write a complaint e-mail to the Prospect Parks department asking for clearer, more prominent sign that clearly state NO PETS. Send you e-mail to info@propectpark.org . And say something to people who bring dogs. Tell them it is not allowed. If they don't leave or give you s++t, then call the Parks Enforcement Patrol at 718-437-1350 (put this number in your cell phone).

Thanks,
Juliette- dog owner to a dog that stays home, and mom to a toddler that betta' not get bit by someone's dog...

...OR ELSE, bitches. Or else.

Update: A rep from the Swiss ad agency Lowe that created this ad emailed to let us know that this — understandably — never ran anywhere.

[via Adrants]